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5 years passed and yoongi stumbles upon a letter - a note to be precise- shoved in an old book they both enjoyed. the sight of that old paper, and the brown blotches makes him smile a little. he must have written it a long time ago, yoongi thinks.
"to my husband, my hyung and my best friend" is written on the top.
he can never not recognise that handwriting.
"jimin," he draws in a sharp breath as those two syllables escape from his lips.
how long has it been since he said his husband's name out loud? someone that wasn't even here?
suddenly the memories flood his mind.
the dreadful day he held his lover's hand for the last time while he was still alive, breathing. yoongi remembers sitting by his bed at that final moment, he remembers the loud screaming of that monitor line as it rose for the last time and rested in flat forever, as if it told him it was time to let go.
he didn't let go.
he wept, his tears rolled down on his cheeks to his chin and on their hands entwined hands but jimin's had no motion or any pressure. tears crept under their wedding bands, as if reminding him that this bond is stronger than he is going to give credit for.
those were cold cold tears.
"please baby. come back to me."
he cried. jimin was gone.
the doctors had told him. he knew it was jimin's final moments when the doctors let him in the ICU. he thought he'd be ready to face the new reality where he'd be able to live without him.
"hyung...it's time. they need to get him off the machine." he feels hands squeeze his shoulders.
it was namjoon who came in with the nurse. if it wasn't for namjoon, yoongi might have had not lived till today. namjoon was his - and has been - a guide in his life.
yoongi took a last look at him-he remembers- jimin's skin looked paler, as if all the blood in his body was drawn. his lips were chapped.
his beautiful lips yoongi always kissed whenever he wanted.
and he wasn't ever going to kiss those lips.
so he bent over jimin to look at him with tear-filled eyes. yoongi pressed his lips softly on the younger's.
a visible shudder ran in his body, making him cling to namjoon for support when he realised all the warmth in those lips yoongi used to feel was gone. jimin's lips were cold. colder than any ever sadness yoongi knew.
fuck he wasn't going to survive without him.
yoongi knew it would be hard. he knew it all. but he didn't know it would be that painful, like thousands- no, million claws being dragged on his heart and his chest, ripping him in pieces everywhere and making sadness bleed from his eyes- and he bled from every scratch; he bled from every where. his heart cried in hues of agony and longing. longing for someone he can never be able to have again.
someone he'd never be able to wake up next to; someone's warmth he wasn't ever going to feel against his skin. he needed jimin like he needed oxygen to breathe. he still does. it pains in the deepest corners of his chest, everytime he thinks about jimin.
his heart is scarred. it will never heal and jimin wasn't going to come back either.
it took awhile for him to adjust to it, waking up alone. he hates waking up alone. he hates the smell in the air now. no smell would ever amount to the smell of jimin in his presence. the delicate flutter of jimin's lashes on his cheek whenever they kissed. the soft hum of contempt that reverberated in their chest.
he still hates waking up alone. tangled in a white sheet he'd rather wish was jimin.
the note, he unfolds it and sits down in the chair by the fireplace and squints around the room. he thinks of what jimin might have written. he wonders then, how many times have they made love inside this study?
he can't remember.
he eyes on the first sentence at the top of the paper.
"before you start reading this I want you to smile, because I like it when you smile." and, yoongi does. it was actually something jimin used to tell him. it was jimin's routine telling tell him to smile often.
used to.
he continues reading the rest of what he had written.
"hyung, i have been the happiest when i have been with you. i am so sorry that i am not there today. but we talked about it right?" yoongi leans his head back taking a swift turn to the memory lane. they weren't married back then. they were only best friends who were too nervous to tell each other how they felt.
it was jimin who proposed and yoongi could have never even got the courage to say "I have loved you since your freshman year when you showed up at Namjoon's room asking if he had extra notes you can look at.”
"I am sorry I didn't show up at hoseok hyung's engagement. I was at the doctor."
that night Jimin told him about his sickness... how he would never recover and live his life as a normal person.
"let's have a normal life together. marry me jimin. we are already in this together. i will share your pain. i won't let you walk alone Jimin. i promise you that. i love you so much.” yoongi held jimin’s hand in his.
that night was the first time they made love since they got together. they cried and shared promises in between kisses.
"i love you, hyung."
"I love us." yoongi had replied. he looked forward for the upcoming days, though limited it would be with his jimin.
moving into their own place was a huge step. jimin was still healthy from the outside. he still went to work, but yoongi never stopped worrying. he didn't know what would happen next and when that call from hospital would show up on his mobile screen.
"baby. you don't really have to go to work." yoongi would kiss jimin's forehead every morning, when jimin did the last buttons on his shirt.
"i get bored at home because you aren't here hyung"
yoongi agreed. he worked longer hours than jimin.
they always came home to each other. and soon they were married. it was a small ceremony, with their friends and a few members of family who still lived in the city.
they were happy. really. happy.
until one night jimin didn't come home.
yoongi panicked. how could that be? he saw jimin in the morning..they kissed that morning after making plans to go for a get away. he saw the bags were already packed and kept beside their bed.
in the dead silence during his panic and worry the phone started to ring-no, not his mobile but the landline.
fuck.
"hello," yoongi choked out a greeting as if he knew what's going to come.
"is this min's residence? can I speak to min yoongi, please?" the voice was of a woman.
"that's me. who needs to speak?" yoongi wished he didn't ask that question because he knew they would be from the hospital.
"i am an attending nurse... i am calling to inform you that your husband collapsed on the job and was brought here around 7 p.m.”
he was put in ICU when he was brought in, and that morning was the last time he saw jimin smile. that precious smile. their doctor strictly told them, if jimin collapsed again, he might go into a coma and not even make it. spine tumors are deadly.
he wanted to tell jimin that he love him for one last time. he wanted to see, if there is even slight chance of jimin to wake up. but he cannot defeat destiny. destiny stopped letting him win that day. it split his world apart.
he returns his focus to the note, keeping aside the past.
"hyung, I hope that you take care of you.
are you still working at the company?? if not, do you still write songs and play it on your piano? I hope you do, hyung. piano makes you happy and less grumpy… hehe"
yoongi smiles.
"only if you knew how much the fucking piano makes me think of you jimin. All I do is write songs for you," yoongi scoffs.
he gets back to reading the note again and jimin had written, "I know it's hard. It was hard for me too. knowing that I would leave this world, that I won't be able to love you anymore. so I don't want you to wait forever for me. I want you to be happy. move on. you promised me you would. I would be disappointed. you have to, yoongi. for me."
a tear escapes his eye. his grip on the thin material of the note gets stronger.
then it reads "I am always in love with you, wherever I am, I hope you will find someone who loves you, and takes care of you so I can be happy up here. think about it okay? I want nothing but the best for you hyung. you'll always be my love in the entire universe.
loving you always,
your jiminie."
yoongi sits there crying to himself, holding that note in his hands.
if he could give everything in the world to tell Jimin that he can never move on, he would.
but he is going to try, for jimin.