Work Text:
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Learned a new saying today; “So firm you could bounce a coin off of it.” This has been paraphrased from what I overheard this afternoon, but I’m sure I’ve managed to capture the sentiment behind the words. What’s surprising is that I heard it being used to describe Commander Erwin’s butt.
This brings me to the question—Is it possible to bounce a coin off of someone’s butt? |
*****
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Question from previous entry still bothers me. Was so preoccupied during a meeting that afterwards, Levi asked me what was going on. I asked him if he’s ever heard of this intriguing phenomena happening before. Didn’t get an answer since he started walking away while I was still talking. He probably had to go oversee the trainees again.
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*****
Levi cornered Hanji after the meeting, arms crossed and eyes narrowed. “What the fuck’s wrong with you?” he snapped without preamble. The meeting had gone on longer than planned because they’d kept spacing out.
“Have you ever heard of anyone bouncing a coin off of someone’s butt?”
Levi blinked at Hanji. Hanji blinked back at him.
What the actual fuck.
Levi marched back to the barracks without saying another word.
*****
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Overheard another conversation about the Commander’s butt. Participants were discussing how the Commander was such a great leader, and how they were willing to follow him anywhere. (We have such loyal soldiers! :D)
Someone added that it helped that the rear view was really great. Took me a moment to analyze the meaning of the comment. Later that afternoon, looked over at where the Commander was talking to Captain Levi and tried to get a good vantage point from which to observe his butt. Objectively speaking, I suppose it is a good butt. However, constant 3DMG work ensures that all members of the Scouting Legion are fit. Surely all soldiers also have equally firm butts? Note to self: explore possibility that this might be a qualitative problem. |
*****
Was Hanji checking out Erwin’s ass?
Levi glared at them as best as he could from where he was standing. They didn’t notice and kept craning their neck to get a better look. The damned idiot was practically falling out of their seat.
“Levi?”
He looked up at Erwin and realized that he’d asked Levi a question.
“It’s too fucking noisy in here,” Levi said. “I can’t hear you. Let’s go outside.”
He glanced at Hanji as they walked out of the dining hall and saw them scribbling furiously in a notebook.
*****
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*I have decided to start a new field journal completely dedicated to my new project. I feel the need to clarify that experimentation on this is conducted completely during off-work hours.
Analyzing the possibility of bouncing something off of Commander Erwin’s butt seems to be a good first step in answering the question of whether or not the Commander possesses a superior gluteus maximus. I have chosen to focus on the quantitative in the meantime, since it’s easier to compare results. Have acquired a bag of coins. This is the first step. Now I need to find more willing subjects for points of comparison. |
*****
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Finding volunteers for subjects wasn’t as difficult as I thought it would be. Have gathered what I feel to be sufficient data to be able to establish a baseline.
*See attached data sheets. Factors of note include firmness vs. flabbiness, flatness vs. roundness, and the ratio of hip width to butt size. To sum it all up, results so far seem to indicate that bouncing a coin off of someone’s butt is impossible, in either the clothed or naked testing conditions, for either men or women. Part of me thinks that I’ll just get the same results with Commander Erwin, but many of the soldiers are trying to convince me that he will be an exception. Still trying to come up with a way to get my hands on the Commander’s butt. The direct approach seems best, but something tells me the Commander will try to get out of it by saying he’s busy with paperwork. Maybe I can ask Levi for help? |
*****
“Levi! Levi!”
He turned around, barely having time to frown before Hanji grabbed his hands. Their eyes were huge and shiny and manic behind their glasses. That was not a good sign.
“What do you want?” he snapped.
“Help me test if a coin can bounce off Commander Erwin’s butt!”
Levi froze. He did not hear what he just heard. Hanji had not opened their mouth and said “Erwin” and “butt” in the same sentence.
He yanked himself free from Hanji’s grip and hurried to the bathroom. He needed to wash off any weird germs they might’ve given him. If he got infected, he’d probably start obsessing about asses too.
*****
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Levi walked away when I asked him to assist me in my experiments. He probably had something important to do. No problem; the other soldiers volunteered their services.
Planning and construction of the first Commander Erwin trap has commenced.
Fig. 1 The trap’s relatively simple: we wait for the Commander to walk down the hallway and a volunteer “bumps” into him while carrying a pile of papers. The Commander bends down to help pick them up, putting himself in the perfect position, and I throw a coin at his butt. |
*****
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It didn’t work. :| I forgot to take into account how fast Commander Erwin’s reflexes are. He caught the papers before they could even hit the floor.
Hopefully Trap 2 will yield better results. Stringing up a tripwire in front of the Commander’s office should be easy, and after the Commander falls, I’ll throw the coin at him before he can stand up. |
*****
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Trap 2 was a failure. Some of the younger recruits were horsing around and tripped on the wire. Was unable to find a replacement before Commander Erwin went inside his office. Who knows what time he’ll come out?
However, Moblit has very helpfully pointed out that I’ve forgotten to obtain the Commander’s measurements. I must rectify this immediately. Obtaining a pair of Commander Erwin’s pants comes before attempting to work out the kinks in Trap 3. |
*****
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I have successfully gotten my hands on a pair of Commander Erwin’s pants! The trainees assigned to laundry duty tried to stop me, but I informed them that it was crucial to my latest study. Minimal injuries were suffered—I only strained my arms a bit from carrying a huge load of freshly washed pants.
Had to ask Mike to help identify which ones were Commander Erwin’s. His sense of smell has never failed yet, and I’m 99.9% sure that the pants he has identified belong to the Commander. |
*****
Levi was bored. The trainees were off doing chores around the barracks and they were still waiting for approval for the next expedition. He wasn’t needed anywhere and there were only so many times he could dust and sweep and scrub his room before even he decided that it was spotless.
“It’s for science!”
Levi barely avoided getting run over by Hanji carrying a giant pile of pants. Moblit hurried after them, waving his hands wildly and saying, “This is a bad example for the trainees!” A few feet away, the door to the large building that housed the laundry area was open. A trainee poked his head outside, saw Levi, and quickly scurried back inside and shut the door.
He decided that he didn’t even want to know. He wasn’t that bored. Unfortunately, when he walked into Hanji’s office later that day, he walked into Mike handing Hanji a pair of pants. “These are Erwin’s.”
“Did you just fucking smell the crotch of Erwin’s pants?”
Mike shrugged. Hanji dug around the mess on their desk. “Where’s my measuring tape?”
“What the fuck is going on?”
“Levi! Have you changed your mind? Do you want to help me test if you can bounce a coin off the Commander’s butt?”
He looked at Hanji’s manic expression. “Fine.”
Guess he was bored enough after all.
*****
“Erwin.”
“Levi.” Erwin paused mid-step. “What is it?”
“Your stupid tie is fucking crooked.” Levi scowled and reached up to yank on Erwin’s bolo tie. “It’s been bugging me all afternoon.”
Erwin bent down obligingly. He blinked a bit when Levi pulled again, but leaned down a bit more. He was so busy outlining improvements to the scouting formation in his head that he jerked back in surprise when something hit his behind.
He straightened up, Levi’s hands letting go of his tie, and quickly turned to look behind him.
“I can’t believe it!” Hanji crowed. “It actually bounced! Moblit? Moblit! Did you mark where it landed? We need to check the distance! Commander don’t move we need this to be as accurate as possible!”
Levi walked around Erwin to move closer to where Hanji was leaning over Moblit while he drew an X on the floor. “Hn. Didn’t think it’d actually work.”
Erwin watched them for a few more seconds before walking away. He’d just gotten a good idea for strengthening the right quadrant of the formation, and he needed to find something to write it down on before he forgot.
He’d ask Hanji later how far the coin went. He’s been wondering about that himself.