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It’s all Gabriel’s fault. That’s Dean’s story and he’s sticking to it.
If Gabriel hadn’t brought over that Asguardian mead in an attempt to get Cas drunk then he wouldn’t be attempting to wrangle his incredibly drunk brother. Dean hadn’t been stupid enough to drink the god juice but Sam, Sam had accidentally mixed up his and Cas’s drinks and here they were.
Dean didn’t know where the heard of moose had come from, Dean didn’t want to know where the herd of moose had come from. Honestly that was probably Gabriel’s fault too but right now he didn’t particularly care because Sam had wandered into the herd and was riding one like it was a mighty steed.
“Sam!” Dean yelled, “Get off of the moose!”
“No!” Sam cried, raising a stick above his head like a sword, “They have accepted me as one of their own!”
“Goddamnit, Gabriel! What was in that mead?!” Dean screamed.
“Hold up, hold up, Deano. I’ve got this,” Gabriel said, eyes fixed on Sam and vaguely glazed around the edges.
“Gabe, I don’t-” Dean started and then Gabriel snapped.
The hairdo that appeared on Gabriel’s head was an offence to hairdos everywhere. It looked like his hair had been made into golden antlers and suddenly Dean had a flashback to that one chick movie he’d ended up watching while babysitting an eight year old girl, Diary Princess or something.
“Oh, Sammy!” Gabriel called and bounced into the herd after Sam.
Dean watched in horror as Sam dove off his “mighty steed” and tackled Gabriel to the ground. He didn’t need to see that or Sam’s shirt getting ripped off or Sam yanking Gabriel’s pants down.
“Oh, for fuck sake,” Dean barked and turned around to look at Cas who was swaying slightly, “You alright, Cas?”
“Dean,” Cas said and leaned in to Dean, so close that the taller man could smell the honey on his breath, “Dean, I would like to have your children.”
Dean blinked because he couldn’t have heard that right. There was absolutely no way that had just come out of Cas’s mouth. Dean’s brain was throwing up all the error messages, all of them and Cas’s eyes had just turned into the blue screen of death.
Then, Cas giggled, hiccupped, and toppled into Dean’s body, knocking them both to the ground. He curled around Dean’s body like it was a giant pillow and kept giggling as Dean just blinked up at the star filled sky.
Dean was officially the only sober person in the clearing and that was just wrong on so many levels. He might as well just lie here and wait for the angels to sober up, he was pretty sure he could hold this over Sammy’s head for the rest of their life.
“What the fuck was in that mead?” Dean asked the sky and watched as a shooting star blazed across the sky.