Chapter Text
I’m in a nightmare. That’s the first thing my mind registers. How do I know this? Because it’s always happening, I’ve lived through this memory so many times that it’s just routine at this point. If anyone asked me to, I could recite every word that’s said; though I’d prefer not to, it’s not exactly a moment I like to think about.
The incident used to scare me beyond belief, still does; just not as bad. I should be used to it by now but it’s hard to watch yourself die every time you try to sleep. It’s not a pretty site. I like to think of it like a jump scare in a movie, you know it’s coming but somehow it still makes you scared.
I’m not myself in the nightmare, if that makes any sense. I mean, I’m not seeing it through my eyes; I’m standing there. I just watch, I can’t move, can’t speak; I’m simply a bystander. I wish I could do something, something to prevent what happened. But even if I could, it’s just a memory. It’s long in the past, the damage is done. And there’s no going back.
I’ve watched the good parts of the nightmare already, but it’ll all turn dark in a minute. It started out like a normal day, better actually. It was an amazing day, I was happy and that’s always my favourite part. Seeing myself laugh, smile and play. It was pure happiness, a feeling I haven’t felt in a while.
In my memory, it was just my sister Emily and I. Our parents were out so we had some time to ourselves. We were running around my room and just having fun. We didn’t have the tv or radio on, we never heard the warning.
Turns out a big tornado was coming. It was a Saturday afternoon, none of the lights were on. We didn’t notice the power go out and we weren’t near any windows. We had no way of knowing what was coming. I blame myself for what happened, I should have payed more attention. I should have seen the signs. I should have been more careful. Now I have to live with the consequences.
I watch as my emotions switch once I noticed what was going on, it came like a snap of a finger. It happened because a tree fell down outside causing a large bang. When I got to the window we didn’t have time to go to the basement so I grab the mattress from my bed and put it over top of us.
I was lucky, extremely. Usually debris doesn’t make sounds like that, I wouldn’t have noticed until it ripped our house apart. I feel like someone was looking out for me, but I’m probably just overthinking it.
I watch with pain as my sister begins to panic and I attempt to calm her. She didn’t deserve this; our area isn’t a place at risk for disasters so neither of us knew what to do. All I know is to put a mattress over yourself and get to the lowest ground possible, we wouldn’t have made it downstairs so this had to do.
Our roof goes flying off like a cork on a bottle. My sister screams and I hold her closer. I never really made the comparison of my look change until now. My human self has long beautiful curly hair, I remember having a constant fight with having it neat and tidy; I gave up after a while, so I just let them go. I also had stormy grey eyes, they’re the only thing that stayed the same. I snap out of my thoughts when debris starts whipping around.
I close my eyes, I know what’s coming next. I’ve made the mistake of watching this scene before, never again. It was horrible. A piece of debris hits me on the back of the head, I know it’s going to happen soon.
I see it coming though, it was coming for Emily. I couldn’t let it hit her. So, I pushed her farther into the mattress and take the blow. I sacrificed myself for her, it was worth it in some ways and others not.
“I love you Em,” I say in a choked voice. This was just after I pushed her. Then the debris hits my head killing me.
The moon decided to resurrect me, I don’t understand why. He cursed me, I should have died and become happy in somewhere else. No, he made me a spirit and doomed me an eternal life of sadness.
I only ever cause pain; my powers ruin lives. Why would he make me a spirit when all I do is cause harm? I don’t get it, he’s all about protecting children; I am too, but why make someone that will just jeopardize that?
I bolt up right from my dream, all my senses are gone. I can’t feel anything. This happens every time, I don’t know if it’s from shock but it’s scary. I draw my legs to my chest and burry my face in my knees.
I don’t need sleep, I don’t know why I even try. I guess I just want to be normal, to feel normal again. I feel awful all the time, and it’s starting to affect my powers. Though I don’t need sleep I feel exhausted, physically and mentally.
Ironically, I’m the spirit of tornados; so, I cause the exact disaster that killed me. I hate it, I cause so much harm but that’s just what I’m meant to do I guess. Death and destruction follow me where ever I go, maybe I just need to be no where.
I lift my head up resting my chin on my knees and hug my legs with my arms. I feel so bad, I can’t even explain how much it hurts. I feel like a giant hand is squeezing my heart so hard that the blood stopped flowing. I constantly feel a tiny tornado swirling inside my ribs, it won’t go away and its driving me mad.
I start to gain my hearing back and are immediately attacked with screams. I look over at the cause and notice a grey twister heading towards a city. My breath catches and I sprint hoping I can undo my mess before it’s too late.
I point my palms at the tornado and try to at least slow it down, it’s not working. Ok, I need to calm down. I take deep slow breaths as I continue in attempt to erase my magic. I can’t calm down, every breath I take is racked with sobs.
I give up, I wrap my arms around myself and fall to the ground. I sit on my knees and hug myself trying to calm down, but the comfort just makes me sob more. I can’t do anything, I know that; I wish I could but I don’t know how.
I drown out the noise and just hug myself on the ground. My ashy grey curls fall around my shoulders like a curtain as I tip my head down in defeat. I start shaking beyond control, I hate this, I hate myself, I hate everything. I wish it would all just stop!
I force my tears to slow and wipe my face of all emotion and slowly look up at the damage I’ve caused. I put my hands at my side and slowly stand up trembling. My breathing slows down to normal and I just stare at the demolished city.
The pain dulled to a cold throbbing in my chest, it’s better than before but it still hurts. I dig my nails into my palms to let myself know that I messed up, it also helps me stop crying. My eyes burn as they go dry and I swallow down the lump in my throat.
I close my eyes sadly and turn around walking back through the forest. The world doesn’t need this, doesn’t need me. Everyone has problems and doesn’t need my disasters ruining them. I just make everything worse.
I’m sad all the time and when it gets really bad like that tornados form, I can’t control them any more. It’s causing harm and death that I don’t intend. I don’t want to hurt people, I never wanted to hurt anyone. I’m not a bad person. Just had a bad life.