Work Text:
KARKAT settles down in front of his computer and begins to recite his newest email song, typing a new few characters from "kk_email.exe" with each line.
KARKAT: There once was a Troll from Nantucket,
Who put all his genes in a bucket,
He lived in an AU
And soon his genes grew,
'To a boy with grey text who said "FUCK IT."
He has finished typing the file name.
KARKAT: You know. Hypothetically.
He hits Enter and the email appears.
KARKAT: Dear Karkat, Some friends and I were just wondering, what's up with you and the other trolls' special powers? Like yours! What kind of special power is "blood" anyway? Can you shoot blood out of your eyes like some kind of horned [pronounces "horn-ed" here and elsewhere] toad? Sincerely, Fanfic Folks of the Internet.
Sounding panicked, he begins to compose his response.
KARKAT: Oh shit, it's the FFI again. Look, you people, I've already told you, what happened between Eridan and me in the locker room was strictly Bro Stuff! I was being helpful! Sometimes a stuck zipper is just a stuck zipper, no matter how much you… or your readers… [mutters] or he… want it to be to be otherwise!
He refreshes the page.
KARKAT: So let's talk about something more agreeable: namely, the horned toad. I think, on this issue, you guys and gals and I are finally seeing eye to projectile-blood-shooting eye! I mean, if I had to be resurrected as some kind of earth creature, it would totally be one of them or maybe one of those beetles that shoot scalding hot water out of their back ends! Which brings me disgustingly to the subject of our super powers.
KARKAT turns about and we see VRISKA is just about to pass by his chair.
KARKAT: Hey. Stheno. Some kids on the internet want to know why people who take one look at your face suddenly lose the universe's will to let them live.
VRISKA tosses her hair out of the wait of her seven-pupilled eye and crosses her arms.
VRISKA: That's a nice chair, Karkat, we wouldn't want anything to happen t—
KARKAT'S chair collapses underneath him. Vriska smirks and leaves. KARKAT pulls himself to his feet and stands in front of his Crabtop.
KARKAT: Looks like it's time for some footwork. And by footwork I mean "Stealing Tavros' chair from under him… work."
His imagination takes over the screen and we see him fighting a horde of mixed-prototyped imps.
KARKAT [offscreen]: Besides, my power's not that hard to understand! I'm the Knight of Blood! When I wade into swaths of my enemies, I get stronger as I'm immersed in their torment and bodily leavings! Each droplet that coats my scythes makes me more powerful, faster, and all-around more awesome. It's kind of like my favourite video game, which is way too awesome to exist in your pitiful human realms.
The shot switches to the title screen of Troll Castlevania: Symphony of the Night.
KARKAT [offscreen]: Now none of youse tell Kanaya about this because I'll never hear the end of it, but it's about an infighting family of rainbow drinkers, led by the infamous Troll Dracula, who's being opposed by his estranged biological offspring, Alucardllort!
KARKAT [offscreen]: He could have that power in that game. In fact, Sgrub was a lot like that game, because just like a castle full of skeletons, ABSOLUTELY NO ONE IN SGRUB CAN ACTUALLY BLEED!
Back to the computer. A "thump" is heard off-screen.
TAVROS [offscreen]: Uh… yeah, you can borrow my chair, Karkat, that's cool.
KARKAT returns, sits down and resumes typing.
KARKAT: As soon as the word "STRIFE" stamps itself onto reality, you're pretty much shit out of luck! I mean, I only got to use my power like, twice! The first time was when Jack stabbed me, that was something else. The second time, I asked Terezi to prick her finger for me just before a minor boss fight and the next thing I know it's a month and a half later and we're in a passionate, loving relationship! I mean, what the hell happened?
The shot changes to one of the horn pile, where we see GAMZEE, asleep, FEFERI, sitting, and ARADIA.
KARKAT: Of course, not all our powers are stupid and useless. Feferi's the Witch of Life! Now again, I don't know much about witches or extra lives outside of video games, but I figure if you gave her a… mushroom or something [Aradia does] she'd probably hand you back either a… 1-Up or twenty handfuls of Magic Powders.
FEFERI hands ARADIA a brown, rope drawn satchel. ARADIA walks a bit screen right to reveal EQUIUS, hard at work. She reaches into the bag and whips a handful of powder at him, causing him to catch fire. Romantically satisfied, she walks past FEFERI and her glare to drop the bag in GAMZEE'S lap before she exits left.
KARKAT: But what you've got to keep in mind her, FFIers [pronounces "Pfeiffers"], is that the game intentionally gave us all powers that would be completely incompatible with our personalities. That means pretty much everyone has a stupid power in the end!
Shot of an empty part of the lab. NEPETA is suddenly dropped in from above and lands on her knees, legs splayed in a typical anime cute pose.
KARKAT: Let's make a case study of the Rogue of Heart, our party's backup healer. Now what kind of person did our favourite apocalypse-causing video game deliver the task of patching our wounds and keeping us from pounding our flesh into a red smear? Num—
NEPETA: I love pâté!
KARKAT: …Number one: highly limited attention span.
A bullet point appears with a line attached to Nepeta's mouth, the first of many that will soon clutter her. She begins to confusedly bat at it, but it follows her wherever she goes.
KARKAT: Number 2: Weapon designed for extreme close quarter use, coupled with number 3: Armour of Protection -1, Tripping Hazards +5. And let's not forget her actual class, Rogue, meaning that, if we need her, we can't find her. Last, if they find her first, she's supported by a number of hit points barely outstripping a family of terrified muskrats.
NEPETA, who believes she has caught the bullet point about tripping hazards aimed at her tail after a few circular chases, smiles at the camera.
NEPETA: I'm just sensitive!
KARKAT: …to explosions.
We return to Karkat as the muffled sound of a bang in the distance.
KARKAT: So after all that technical explanation, I figure I'm going to have to reduce myself to your level so that you Internet people can understand with your incredibly limited attention spans. This might sting me a bit. And a-hem:
Each of his final statements is accompanied by a photo meme.
KARKAT: [longcat] Stupid powers are STUUUUUUUUPID.
KARKAT: [lizard, spitting blood from its eye] Monorail lizard lubricates its own track!
KARKAT: [a glossy of Karkat, winking and making finger guns at the camera] And all your base are belong to Karkat!
He gets up and leaves, his sylladex depositing a sheet of paper that reads "YOU HAVE NO CHANCE TO EMAIL MAKE YOUR TIME"
Easter Egg
We return to the horn pile, as a flickering lighting comes from off screen right.
FEFERI [concerned]: Equius, are you all right?
EQUIUS: Not to worry princess! [thump] I’ve almost beaten it out!
FEFERI: Because I can get some wa--
EQUIUS: Fine, thank you!
Gamzee, who has been peering into the bag of powder, spritzes himself with some, instantly transforming him into a Cukeman.