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"what we have right now doesn't mean anything, right?"
i slip into my seat in the cafeteria and rest my head on the table, hiding my face in my arms. i hear an "are you alright?" from aelita. or was that yumi?
i can't be bothered to reply with anything other than a hum.
i have planned on keeping myself shut in my room while hacking away at something, just to get my mind off things. i only remembered to come down to breakfast just so aelita wouldn't get worried. another good thing is that odd and ulrich are known to sleep through breakfast during the weekend, so not seeing odd, even if it's for a day, might be slightly effective.
"what do you mean?"
"you know, there's nothing romantic between us. all of this means nothing."
i can't help but think of the talk we had yesterday. it has been an unavoidable train of thought ever since, which doesn't seem to be wanting to stop any time soon.
"odd, i don't think you realize. i love you."
a sigh.
"those words have always been so meaningless and empty to me."
maybe i should've just kept my mouth shut.
i suddenly hear strings of 'good morning's and am forced to lift my head up. then and there, stands ulrich in his slightly wrinkled green denim jacket, his hair still messy, probably from waking up about half an hour ago. how strange that he's already here.
"where's odd?" yumi cocks an eyebrow.
"oh, he'll be here soon. he's still getting ready."
oh.
"but it's true; such simple actions like cuddling or soft cheek pokes and kisses may mean nothing to you and maybe they're just actions to fill up the hole in your heart. but, odd, you have made it impossible for me to live without you! maybe i really wouldn't want to live if you were to leave me..."
jeremie had never seen odd unable to respond up until that day.
get out of my head.
my gaze lowers and my cheek is soon back to the table's flat surface.
"sorry, uh... forget i said that. it didn't mean anything. you're right."
still, without any response, jeremie heard the factory's old elevator doors open with a shriek and, in a halt, jeremie was alone.
odd had left without a word.
perhaps jeremie did mean every word he said.
odd and i's relationship is a secret. or was.
we weren't really close up until be bonded over the loneliness we felt. the first talk we had which lasted more than a few seconds happened under the many shining stars one cold october night.
since then, we only interacted when we were alone. only sensually.
however, no 'i love you's were ever said. well, up until yesterday.
that's because what we have isn't love. it never was. something in my head just made it seem like it was.
maybe because we'd smile at each other from time to time, knowing that we had a secret nobody else knew about.
or the fact that odd would light up even more when he saw me.
or maybe the way we'd tease each other, and odd's red flustered face.
jeremie felt stupid.
he never thought odd felt the same in the first place.
but why would he crack and tell him how he felt then?
i remember one of our 'dates' so vividly. it was just an ordinary ice cream date, but for some reason, it held so much more meaning to me.
the thing is, odd and sweets don't mix well together so that in turn gave him a sugar rush. he forced me to run with him right after eating the ice cream. "burn off the excess calories" he said. him being lazy and me incapable of any physical activity whatsoever, we didn't run very far. i laugh at the memory dryly.
jeremie now stared at the wall, realizing what he had done.
he had just ruined a perfectly fine relationship with odd, just because his feelings got the better of him.
but maybe their relationship wasn't perfectly fine after all.
"jeremie, are you sure you're okay?" aelita asks again, concern evident in her voice.
i lift my head again, only to be met with worried glances from my friends. i weakly nod before a flash of purple catches my eye.
odd is coming.
i start panicking, trying to grasp any solid excuse for leaving now.
odd sits down and immediately starts babbling about something insignificant.
he doesn't even look at me.
i feel relieved but, at the same time, something deep inside me aches.
'if only i had not said those three words.
if only there was an option to restart everything.
if only our bond could be bulletproof.
if only.'
i hastily stand up, looking at nothing in particular. clumsily dashing out of the cafeteria, i don't even bother to look if odd even acknowledged me.
if only i could forget him.