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I feel your ghost, smell you all over my clothes
Oh, all your smoke's stuck in me longer then you did
I had my doubts, I had to check it all out
And now I see that you've run back when I thought you'd quit
You took my air out of your lungs
So you could breathe with another one
Laoghaire walked out of Jamie’s parents house, tears still in her eyes, her breath laboured. But still, she walked with her head high. She wouldn’t let this beat her. She was an incredible young woman with a bright future. Well, that was what her Granny would say to her time and time again. Even if no one else believed it, she had to. She knew she deserved better. But, oh, she loved James Fraser with every fibre of her being.
She found herself infatuated with Jamie after the first time she had met him. They sat across from each other in their university induction, both studying History and Politics at the University of the Highlands and Islands in Perth. She smiled sweetly at him, tucking some of her hair behind her ear. Jamie returned the favour, give her a sweet smile. All it took was that little smile and she fell for him, this attractive gorgeous hunk of a man. Yet through time, she realised he wasn’t interested in her. She kept fighting for him but he appeared uninterested. Then she caught him, holding hands with another man. This hurt her, but it didn’t deter her. She would fight for Jamie Fraser.
Yet times went on, he continued with this John person for most of their university career. Then all of a sudden, in their fourth year, this fluttered out and Jamie and John went their separate ways. So Laoghaire remained hopeful. There was a rumour that Jamie was only bisexual, yet some said he was as gay as they come.
One night after all their deadlines had passed and they were finally free of uni, they decided they would go out to celebrate. They darted about a few pubs, starting at The Green Room, heading to the Venue before they debated Ice Factory or Loft. Deciding it was better to settle on Loft because; ”am I fuck goin’ aw the way out to Ice Factory where aw the wee jakey kids are out getting pished and high oan eccies”, Angus shouted in protest at the thought of Ice Factory. Once they had all clambered into Loft and got a wee bit more wasted, Laoghaire pulled Jamie up on the dancefloor. Desperately trying to get his attention, she began to grind against him. Jamie smirked, letting her do what she had wished to him. Once they had all filtered out of Loft after last orders, Laoghaire led Jamie back to her flat - it was close so it saved him getting a taxi back to his.
After that night, they had a good steady relationship. Laoghaire didn't care that he had been with men, she was just happy that he was hers. For a year and a half, Laoghaire loved Jamie fiercely, staying with him through thick and thin. They had moved in together, obviously, they had found a flatmate in Willie, but she still lived with her love. Oh, she was so happy in love.
But that was all thrown away now. She would have to move out. Because Jamie had had his way with her and was now satisfied, he discarded her. Is this what he did to John too? She didn't know.
But she would do what she could to get him back. She’ll move out, give him some space and then once he realised what he had lost, she’ll welcome him back with open arms. For she was his and he was hers.
Or so she believed.
Oh tell me, why her, not me?
What did I do for you to wreck it all?
Oh Lord, it's not my fault
Why her, not me?
Why did you have to build the walls so high?
Oh no, I'm not done climbing
She heard about me, and all your history
I'm not tryna burn myself but I can let it go
Piece by piece uncovering dishonesty
Never been truth in anything I've ever known
Laoghaire walked along Princes Street, talking a little to her friends. They had all been made aware of her scheme to win Jamie back; all agreeing with it, desperate for her to shut up about bloody James Fraser. Eventually, they decided to stop in for a coffee at Starbucks. They settled in nicely, each going up one by one to order their Pumpkin Latte’s (typical white girl drinks, they knew it and they owned it). Laoghaire suddenly stopped talking, her jaw gaping open.
Jamie had just walked in. He looked happy, really happy. Then she realised that he was with someone. They had only been separated for a few months and he was already with someone knew. This wasn't fair, he wasn't meant to be with someone knew. He was meant to be with her, Laoghaire truly believed that James Fraser belonged to her, no one else.
”Oh, hey Laoghaire.” Jamie smiled, clearly being a gentleman and acknowledging her.
”H-Hi, ” She smiled, ”how are you?”
”Am good, good. How are you?”
”Good.” She nodded. ”This your cousin?”
Jamie laughed a little, shaking his head. ”Uh, not quite. That’s Claire, we’re, uh seeing each other.”
Laoghaire’s heart dropped. Was her beloved actually seeing someone else? Did he really discard her like she was nothing? Surely not.
“Jamie,” Claire smiled, “you coming? We’ve got to get to the hospital.”
“Coming, love.”
“Hospital? Is everything okay?” Laoghaire quizzed, clearly prying. After all; this thing with Claire was only temporary, she would have her Jamie back in her arms soon.
“Uh, yeah,” Jamie’s smile turned into a grin, “We’ve to go see the midwife about Claire’s scan. But, anyway, it was nice seeing ye again, I hope yer well.”
Laoghaire’s world came crashing down, was this Claire pregnant? Was the baby Jamie’s? Surely not, maybe she doesn’t know who the father is and Jamie, being the gentleman stepped up. After all, that Claire did look like a whore. But that was fine; if Jamie wanted to raise a child that wasn’t his and help this Claire out, Laoghaire would deal with it. She would help Jamie if she must.
“You okay, Lee?” One of her friends asked, curious as to why she was silent. “It’s not because of Jamie is it? You should just move on!”
“Yeah!” Another agreed, “You deserve so much better than him!”
While Laoghaire appreciated all this, she still couldn’t process Jamie Fraser being someone’s Dad. At least, a father to someone else’s child. But she’d have to get used to it.
She would. Eventually.
She heard about me, and all your history
I'm not tryna burn myself but I can let it go
Piece by piece uncovering dishonesty
Never been truth in anything I've ever known
Finding out I'm not the only one
Took the air right out my lungs
Months past and Laoghaire slowly began to realise that Jamie was slipping further and further out of her reach.
The child was his. Jamie was having a child. And to top it off, he was engaged to this Claire.
They had barely known each other two minutes and they were already settling down and having a family. How was that fair? Laoghaire did everything she could for Jamie when they were together. She did everything right. So why wasn’t it enough? Why wasn’t it her that wore his ring? Why wasn’t it her that carried his child?
“Why her not me?” Laoghaire wailed to herself in her room after seeing the engagement announcement on Facebook.
In a fit of jealous (and drunken) rage, Laoghaire pulled up Jamie on messenger and began to type a long winded message. She had had enough. It was time he knew how she felt.
[Laoghaire MacKenzie: You’re an absolute prick, James Alexander Malcom MacKenzie Fraser. An absolute prick. I did everything for you when we were together. I did everything right. Why wasn’t it enough? Why did you have to fuck me over like that, huh? You discarded me like you did John. That’s what you do, huh? Abandon people when you get scared. I bet you’re only marrying that whore because she’s pregnant with your bairn. I can’t believe you. You’ll leave her just when you realise that she’s worthless. But I’ll be here, I’ll always be here for you waiting for you to realise the mistake you made.]
It wasn’t until the next morning that Laoghaire had realised what she had done.
Oh she had definitely fucked it.
[Jamie Fraser: Go go hell, Laoghaire. How could you bring John up? If you MUST know, he left me. He left me because his conservative Grandfather found out about us and threatened to cut him off. I thought he was it for me - you were only meant to be a rebound. But I cared for you too much to let you down, until I met Claire. And before you say it, I ended it with you BEFORE I got with Claire, I had that much decency. I’m going to ask you once and once only to keep out my family life and stop prying. Goodbye Laoghaire.]
She started to cry again. She had well and truly lost James Fraser. She hadn’t meant to push him that far. She really didn’t. But she had.
“Well, Laoghaire MacKenzie. Ye’ve well and truly fucked yerself.” She muttered to herself.
Oh tell me, why her, not me?
What did I do for you to wreck it all?
Oh Lord, it's not my fault
Why her, not me?
Why did you have to build the walls so high?
Oh no, I'm not done climbing
“Now, please remember you are now studying at a higher level that your honours degree. A lot more is expected of you in a shorter time.” The professor spoke clearly to the class in front of him.
Laoghaire had decided the November prior to this that she wanted to study a History Masters. And thankfully, she had gotten on the degree.
She had carefully taken note of everything the lecturer had said, making sure that she wasn’t missing anything. This was an important year, a difficult one, but important.
She knew that by concentrating on a masters degree, she wouldn’t be so focussed on Jamie and whatever he was doing. No, she would be spending many a night in the library trying to study and trying to keep her mind off a particular red headed Scot.
Once the lecture was over, she made her way down to the bottom of the class, ready to leave. In a daze, she accidentally stumbled into the professor. Muttering multiple apologies, she looked up. A soft smile spread across her face and she lit up.
“S-Sorry, Professor Randall, I wasn’t paying attention.”
“Oh, please. Call me Frank.”
Laoghaire blushed, tucking a bit of hair behind her ear.
“Sorry, F-Frank.”
Frank smiled, patting her on the back. “It’s okay, uh?”
“Oh! Laoghaire. Laoghaire MacKenzie.”
“Well, Laoghaire. It’s a delight meeting you. But unfortunately I have another lecture to teach. I’ll chat to you later.”
Laoghaire blushed, nodding profusely and walked out the lecture hall towards the library.
Frank. Professor Frank Randall. Oh, he was gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous.
As weeks passed, Frank and Laoghaire exchanged subtle glances during lectures. It wasn’t right for a professor to date their student, so Laoghaire remained careful around him. Until the end of semester one. They knew that Frank wouldn’t be her lecturer anymore.
“Laoghaire, can I have a word?” Frank asked, pulling her to the side once the final lecture had been dismissed.
“Would you like to go out for dinner sometime?” He asked once he knew they were alone.
“W-What both of us?”
“Yes,” Frank smiled, “I would absolutely love it if you would go out with me.”
“Oh, Frank, that would be lovely.”
Frank smiled, looking around him carefully, ensuring there was no one about. Once satisfied, he gently pulled Laoghaire into a gentle kiss.
She smiled against his lips, butterflies fluttering around her stomach. She hadn’t felt this way since Jamie. And this certainly felt better than Jamie’s kisses.
“I’ll pick you up tomorrow at 7.” He smiled. “Oh, and here’s my number.”
“Thank ye, Frank. I’ll see you tomorrow.” She blushed again.
This made Frank’s heart swell, so he pulled her into one last kiss before letting her go.
Tell me, why her?
You gave her unconditional love
Tell me, why her?
But I'm still climbing
Tell me, why her?
You gave me conditional love
Tell me, why her?
I won't stop fighting
No, no, no
I won't lay low, low, low
You gave my soul, soul, soul
I'm not giving in, no
No, no, no
I won't lay low, low, low
I've done no wrong, wrong, wrong
I'm not giving in, no
Thoughts of Jamie no longer cluttered Laoghaire’s mind. She finally felt relief. Now that she had Frank, she had no need to worry for Jamie. All her devotion had been diverted into Frank and she knew he appreciated it.
She didn’t even care that he was that Claire’s ex-fiancé and he didn’t care that she was Jamie’s ex. They both hated that couple with a passion. Yet they both also thanked them, in a twisted way, for if they hadn’t found each other, Frank and Laoghaire wouldn’t have found each other.
It was in Laoghaire’s nature to be completely devoted and borderline obsessive over a person and Frank needed a person like her to obsess over him. They worked in their own wee quirky way.
Laoghaire and Frank were happy together. Thoughts of Jamie and Claire well behind them.
They were okay.