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I tossed and turned in my bed. Frowning uncomfortably and shivering as the temperature dropped farther. I heard whisks of voices dancing by my ears, the voices of those whom I cared deeply of. The voices of people I've murdered. The voices of those I've lost.
Though the air was cold and I was now covered in a sheet of frost, I was sweating and panting as if I had been running. I had been, in my dreams, my nightmares. It played through my head over and over as a taunting blade that edged me toward death and caused me to curse the gods as I've suffered too much and loved not enough. His voice. Her voice. Each individually prodding at my emotions and causing me to sob quietly as I shiver and squirm helplessly.
Soon it became too much and I lurched forward, almost resurrecting from a terrified sleep as I sprang into a sitting position. Hot sweat coated my body just beneath a layer of frost that threatened to end my life. My throat constricted as if a snake was twisting itself into a deceptive necklace for me, my eyes red, puffy, and itchy. A river of tears ran down my rosy cheeks and snot fell from my nose and ran over my quivering lips. My room was freezing over again.
I got up and without much thought I opened the door to my small hut of a bedroom before closing it behind me. Stepping into the chilling breeze that tore its way through my thin nightgown and violated my skin underneath. I held myself as I numbly stepped on snow covered stone and down some stairs. Before I knew it I was outside Haven and sitting nearby the old potion master's house barely beyond the gates to the small village. I sat down stiffly, or more stumbled backwards and fell onto my arse and sat there in a dumbfounded state before I grew comfortable in my spot and began looking to the peppered sky and the grinning moon that seemed all to happy in comparison to my nightmare. Everything was happening so fast and so many emotions were begging to raise up.
I looked out at the stars. My mind numb from the day's events. I remembered what Varric had said earlier before I had decided to go to bed. He was right. Most people would have spread this out over a few days - being wanted, then suddenly apart of the armies of the fateful, then on top being branded as the Harold of Andraste. I would sound out of my mind if I sent a letter back home. What would my parents think of me? Or the keeper? The cold air danced around me, sending flurries of snow up into the air causing me to shiver. Normally I had my hair pulled into a tight bun, making the illusion I have less hair than I really do, that and my helmet was on at all times. But due to my sudden nightmare I hadn't really thought of pulling my hair back up. My honey gold hair danced in the wind and soaked itself in the snow around me.
"Star gazing?" An abrupt voice chimed into my thoughts, gentle, tired, and without a doubt older in tone. I nodded. I didn't have to look to know who it was. "In your night gown?" Nod. "In twenty below zero temperature" I paused and nodded before turning slightly to look up at the worn out Commander. He heaved a sigh. "You'll end up falling ill... You do know that right?"
"I'll be fine" I mumbled and looked back to the stars. My green eyes shining with curiousity as I slowly submerged myself into my thoughts again. But it didn't last long.
The commander sighed again and sat down next to me. "So I'm guessing you won't be going back inside any time soon?" I shook my head and he nodded a little. "Stubborn." He chuckled playfully and followed my gaze to the stars. "What are you doing out here anyway? Didn't you see enough of the stars in Redcliff? It's warmer there after all."
"I.... I just wanted to look at the stars." I lied. But what kind of image would it give off if I said 'I had a nightmare'. Many in Thedas didn't believe a Mage when they said 'it's just a nightmare' to them a nightmare for a Mage consisted of being prodded at by a demon. I had yet to experience this, or at least I haven't that I can remember. "Just can't sleep - wanted to look at the stars."
Cullen laughed softly and shook his head. "Yea... Me too actually...." He said quietly and from there we both stayed quiet. Staring at the forever twinkling stars. It was nice to have company. "You know..." he started and turned away a little as he tried to find somewhere else to look - anywhere but in my direction. "I haven't seen you with your helmet off before... You look good."
"I'm surprised you even recognized me without it, Commander." I smirked and then he added with a witty look.
"Not everyone has a glowing mark on their left hand, you know?" Cullen looked back at the stars and opened his mouth as he drew in a breath and hesitated a moment before speaking. "What's your name by the way? Cassandra only introduced you to me - I never actually caught your name."
I hesitated a moment, trying to think of the right one. "Atish'an is my birth name." I paused and played with my fingers before I finally looked back over to him. "Though those I helped escape slavers took to calling me Fen'Revas." I gave a gentle smile, it was best to make friends when in this time of war, it was never good to feel alone, especially when so far from home. I wasn't sure how long I would be apart of this mess and the sooner it ended the better - though I didn't want to get close to anyone I knew it was better to not hide. I proceeded to write both into the snow using my index finger before looking back to the Commander who looked rather pleased.
"I rarely have met with the Dalish, but you look oddly familiar." He paused and I gave a confused look. He laughed. "My memory must be warped to some extent - I remember seeing a elvish woman about your hight hanging around Kirkwall at one point." My heart skipped and began a slow jog in my chest, though I remained calm on the outside.
"Kirkwall is near the free marches, it is possible we met at one point when I had gone into the city to trade with a human." I wasn't completely lying there, although it was less trading with humans and more helping slaves escape, but he shook his head.
"No... the woman I seen wasn't trading with anyone - she had been talking with Varric and the Champion and an elven man who if my memory serves me correct his name was Fenris." He explained calmly and rose a brow as I gave a gentle smile.
"That...was me. I'm almost certain." I said softly and he nodded a bit.
"How do you know who I seen was you?" He asked with a curious smile.
I gave a soft laugh. "Because I was put in contact with Fenris to assist in freeing slaves.... or rather he was to assist me, I already had a reputation in doing so." I said with a soft smile and then added. "That's what Fen'Revas means in a sense, Freedom Wolf. I fight for the freedom of all people."
Cullen nodded and sighed gently though his smile did not waver any. "It explains why you side so heavily with the mages then."
"Well, now that you understand I hope you're not going to be shocked when I head to red cliff come tomorrow morning." I paused and laughed softly. "That is, if I get any sleep before dawn."
Cullen shook his head. "No, I won't be surprised any. It will make sense." He smiled and gave a sigh. "I take it that means you'll be heading back to bed then?" He asked and watched as I got up and dusted myself off. I nodded and he nodded in return. "Sleep well, Atish'an."
"Dareth shiral, Cullen." I gave a gentle smile and headed off, retracing once numb footsteps as I went back to my small hut. My head was more clear now, perhaps the nightmares wouldn't return for the night.