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"Hold up, before you do anything stupid, dangerous, lethal. I gotta tell you something..." I wheeze, wincing against the pain in my ribs.
Steve halts the process of setting off his makeshift explosive.
"Sure, Danny. Anything. What is it?"
I look into his eyes and - aww shit - I have to look away again because I'm sore, I know I'm damn sore because I just had a building fall on my head and nearly crush me to death, but Steve's eyes --
There's a different kind of pain I see there. It's concerned and it's pleading and it's "Hey, Danno, anything. Give me your pain because, look, I don't ever want you to feel what you're feeling now, not if I can do a single thing to stop it."
I can feel my eyes start watering - stupid dust allergies - and I have to look away because I can't look into those blue eyes of Steve's if I'm cryi- if my eyes are watering because goddammit this could be the last time I ever see him and I don't want to die with him thinking I'm a softie.
I can feel what I feel. Deep down in my chest. Like indigestion, but it's been hours since I ate. Not even a last supper for me. Typical shitty luck. Not quite like indigestion, but like something's stuck down in there and it's making my heart quiver.
I've only ever felt it once before. It was when I'd just had a bomb defused two foot in front of me after the longest afternoon of my life, standing, talking to Steve but not able to reach out and touch him. Until all of a sudden I was free and he was right there and I thought I was going to cr- hayfever - because I could hold out my arms and he slid in between them, like a puzzle piece sliding into place.
And he'd smelled a bit ripe, probably because of the muggy heat of the afternoon, but maybe because he really was as worried as I was. And somehow. I didn't care. I just, sort of, held on. And he did the same. And then he did something weird that went beyond a bro hug.
He sort of pressed his face into my shoulder and I heard a small intake of breath followed by a sigh of relief.
Which would have been weird, and honestly? Would have brought it up and pestered him about it forever except - - - well. It made my heart quiver.
His support and his vulnerability and his smell and his smelling me.
*quiver*
That's the only way I know how to describe it.
"Whatever happens, I just want you to know that..."
Which brings us back to now and how it feels like all this is going to come out of my mouth and - - -
"I really, really hate you so much." There's not much conviction in my voice though.
Which is funny, because it really sounds like the last thing I'm ever going to say to this man is that I hate him. Which can't be true, because still this lump in my chest goes *quiver quiver* as if to say, no, no, no, you said it wrong, you meant to say -
But Steve just laughs.
I'd tell him to get his head examined. Humour - really? Trapped in a tomb of concrete and he's laughing!
But then I look at my man - - woah, MY man? - - and I really can't say anything at all because, oh God, oh shit, his eyes are crinkling up and his eyes, they're sparkling, and he's saying -
"I love you too, Danno."
And, between you and me, it feels so right when he says it, because I know he means it.
He turns away, and I let myself be happy - purely happy - before he turns away to detonate his grenade. I don't think about when this feeling of happiness is going to end and I don't think about Steve loving me, because I guess there are worse people to die with. Beside.
I'll hold onto you, I promise him silently.
If your awful plan doesn't work, if the building collapses further.
I'll reach out and grab you and I'll - hold onto you, Steve. If you hold onto me, and I think I know you will.
I know I can't keep you safe, but I'll sure as hell try to, babe.
I guess I love you too, then.
I guess -
There is a *boom* that makes me ears ring, and I reach out, frantically, for my man.