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Haru could only watch Rin’s father’s death, the tragedy unfolding, the all-consuming waves swallowing the small fishing boat. How? How could he help? The nightmares around him were so real. Tangible even. The feeling of helplessness and fear engulfed Haru like the ocean. Rin’s emotions were so entangled they were nearly impossible to separate. It was uncanny to see just how much that single event in his life altered him to become the man he was today. The negativity was slowly easing its way into Haru’s mind, blanketing it like a dark cloud. He had to fight this. For himself.
For Rin.
Mustering up as many warm, heartfelt memories of the two of them together, Haru mentally forced them upon the darkness. He thought briefly there might have been some lessening of the rampant emotions, but the small light was soon swallowed within the water. Only time would tell if that simple action would work. If it would cure even some of the nightmares within Rin, Haru would count it as a win. Maybe he could take away that suffering, if even a little.
Subconsciously, he knew Rin would be returning soon. He had to pull himself away from the dream state but found himself being pulled under with Toraichi’s capsizing boat. The feelings of fear, unbearable sadness, and hopelessness began pulling him in. Fighting back suddenly became a necessity. Would he escape? His heart was pounding harder as every attempt to release himself from Rin’s nightmare failed. One struggle after the next, he couldn’t seem to break free from the darkness.
A hand landed on his shoulder. As if nothing was real, Haru woke with a start. The bedroom was just as he left it, dark, cool, and the only window opened just a crack for the breeze to toss the curtains ever so slightly. However, Rin was there, and he looked incredibly worried. It pulled the last of the nightmares from Haru’s mind.
“Haru?” Rin asked tentatively, his look unwavering.
“Rin?” Haru replied, bolting into a seated position. Blinking the drowsiness from his eyes, he realized he was still clutching Rin’s haunted pillow. Casually, he placed it back on the bed afraid what Rin would think. This was, after all, his first day living with him. Sure, they spent multiple nights wrapped in each other’s arms either here or at Haru’s old place, and even last night together as first time permanent roommates, but this was different. Would Rin think he was some sort of child, grasping onto a pillow as if to comfort himself?
“What are you doing?” was all Rin asked. That same worried look was there, taunting Haru like Rin knew that he had found out about his secret.
“I was unpacking and got tired,” Haru lied. He knew the pillow had magic properties. He knew it was designed to help Rin cope with his tragic past, present, and potential future. As intended, his worries and fears were poured into its tightly woven cotton, sinking into the foam core. But what was once comforting turned murky. Perhaps there were too many nightmares, too many horrible memories and encounters that it backfired. The nightmares once forgotten were back, twisting into a self-fulfilled prophecy of darkness causing Rin to perpetually run from something within him, something he was never meant to escape. Haru had only hoped that with a little of his own light Rin would be able to embrace it and eventually accept what was, and fight for what is and what may be.
“Did…” Rin paused, afraid to continue his question. “Did I keep you up last night?” He looked ashamed. His eyes were downcast, unable to reach Haru’s blue orbs desperate to understand what was going on below his dark red locks. It pulled at his stomach, Haru hated to see Rin in such a state. It couldn’t be helped. Fighting nightmares like his would cause anyone to break under the stress. Haru stood and carefully tilted Rin’s chin for their eyes to finally meet.
“You didn’t keep me up,” Haru said. That was another lie. Rin’s dreams had gotten so violent the past few weeks it was nearly impossible to share the same bed with him. It prompted a serious change. Something had to be done. Haru didn’t mind less sleep. Coffee existed, and it helped him hide the dark circles under his eyes. What caused him the most grief was seeing Rin wake day after day with the same exhausted look as if he had been fighting something during the night and had gotten nowhere if not regressed. Every day began like this. Rin would put on a brave face, but it wasn’t enough to fool Haru.
As soon as their eyes met, Haru smiled and pecked Rin on the lips. “The bed is warm, how about you take a nap?” No better time to test the theory than the present, right? However, the near cringe look Rin returned turned Haru’s stomach over.
“I don’t know,” the red head replied warily.
How? How could he help someone who couldn’t find comfort within his own dreams? Who feared the thought of shutting his eyes lying next to something that had helped him overcome the toughest moments?
“I can rub you back?” Haru suggested. And without waiting for a reply, he slowly eased Rin onto the bed. Lying next to Rin gave him so much comfort. Perhaps Rin could find that again within the once comforting pillow. Haru wasn’t about to give up hope.
It didn’t take long before Haru could hear Rin’s breathing slow. Kissing him gingerly on the forehead, Haru eased himself out of the sheets and replaced his spot with Rin’s pillow. Hoping by some off chance that small glimmer of hope Haru planted could be found within the darkness, that small something for Rin to grasp and ease the fight inside, Haru sat on the edge of the bed and waited. It wouldn’t be long. The nightmares always came early. And when they did, they were ferocious.
The first twitch came suddenly, quickly followed by another. Rin’s whole body convulsed as if he may be throwing punches. Haru remained seated, fighting every nerve not to wake him, holding onto the small glimmer of hope. Which nightmare was he having now? His father’s death? His failure in Australia? The loss of his lifelong dream? Perhaps he was feeling the stress he put Haru through in high school. Haru found those dreams to be the most painful to endure. They fought against each other when they both knew they were stronger together, supporting each other, sharing the water.
Haru found swallowing difficult. Rin’s quivering took on another level. Biting his lip, he decided to wake him. It was fairly obvious nothing he had done was remotely close to helping. Haru would have to find another way to relieve Rin’s suffering. Somehow. He couldn’t give up. He had to persevere for Rin’s sake. He couldn’t fight this battle alone, and Haru wanted to make sure Rin knew he wasn’t alone.
Reaching his arm out to shake Rin’s shoulder, Haru paused. Something had changed. Something he hadn’t seen before. Upon Rin’s face was a look he hadn’t experienced in a few years. That same look existed when Haru dove over him during their relay together. The shock coupled with admiration, it pulled at Haru’s heart enough to stop his advances. And if by magic Rin’s body relaxed. Haru couldn’t breathe. His hand hovered over Rin’s hot skin as he waited for another violent spasm to occur, but nothing came.
Tears began to well in the corner of his eyes. Overjoyed that Rin wasn’t there to see it, he quickly wiped them away and placed a comforting hand on Rin’s head and whispered, “You’re not alone. I love you and I’ll always be here for you.” Slowly getting to his feet, Haru exited the room and closed the door silently behind him.
* * *
Rin watched in awe as all of Haru’s memories suddenly filled his mind. He was right about his hunch, Haru must’ve figured out about the pillow his grandmother gifted to him all of those years ago. It was solely to help him through his hardest times while he perused his father’s dreams. That altered to finding his own dream at a later time, but it was as if she knew he would need the comfort and support down the road. Rin wasn’t sure what suddenly changed, but recently he was having a hard time fighting off those demons he thought he tucked away throughout the years. The fight turned into a chase and Rin couldn’t escape. As if it was his last breath of air before he finally gave in, there was Haru. He was there when he couldn’t find his dream. He was there when he hit the wall in Australia. He was always there. Even now. Acutely aware of events happening outside of his subconscious, Rin’s heart swelled. He could see the tears about to spill from Haru’s swimming blue eyes. Those words, his actions, the thought of Haru reaching him during every dire part in his life, they fueled the fire within lightening the path. He was not alone, Rin had Haru. Even after all of this time.
Thank you, Haru.