Chapter Text
The walls of the castle lay untouched, pristine, completely at odds with the anguish hidden away inside.
The door to the king’s bedroom stands open in front of Matsukawa and Hanamaki, revealing high ceilings and curtains billowing inside open windows. There’s no fire in the hearth but that’s to be expected this late in the summer.
On the walk up here from his and Hanamaki’s room, Matsukawa had pictured opening the door to Iwaizumi throwing things around, destroying everything that reminded him of Oikawa. He’d pictured Iwaizumi crying in earnest for the first time in his life. He pictured Iwaizumi just sitting there eerily still, staring into space or at a portrait of Oikawa. Matsukawa had even prepared himself for the sight of Iwaizumi trying to take his own life.
What he hadn’t pictured, or even considered at all was the sight of Iwaizumi calmly walking around the room and appearing to be packing the essentials for a long journey.
Matsukawa can’t quite wrap his head around it and if Hanamaki’s stunned silence next to him is anything to go by, neither can he. They’d just gotten through dealing with their own wounds from the battle, physical and emotional, and had come to check on Iwaizumi, who had to be more emotionally broken than any of them.
Only to find Iwaizumi acting like everything is fine-and-dandy, he just really has business elsewhere.
“Iwaizumi?” Matsukawa surprises himself by saying it. He’s just… trying to put together why Iwaizumi is checking things off of a list, like he’s following through with a plan put together from a while ago. As if he’s headed off on some vacation that he’d just forgotten to mention.
Iwaizumi looks up at them at the sound of his name. “Oh good, you’re here.” His voice is solid, not even the whisper of a waver. “I need to talk with you two before I leave.” He marks off another item and places the list in his bag as well.
“You’re leaving? Now? ” Hanamaki’s voice cracks but Matsukawa’s brain is otherwise occupied with trying to understand anything about this situation. “Why? ”
“I have to go get Oikawa back,” Iwaizumi says, bracing his shoulders against their looks. He looks so determined and set on this plan that Matsukawa almost asks when they’re leaving but then he remembers that Oikawa is dead.
Matsukawa blinks and frowns at him.
“Excuse me?” Hanamaki scowls, stepping forward. “That’s not how death works, Iwaizumi.”
Iwaizumi glares back at him, crossing his arms. “That’s not how death usually works, but I have a plan.”
“Oh, a plan! You have a plan, do you? Well why didn’t I think of that?” Hanamaki looks back at Matsukawa exaggerating a look. “If he’s got plan then, well, who am I to stop him?”
Iwaizumi’s only response is to stare them down.
Some of the dots are starting to connect in Matsukawa’s brain. “You–” He doesn’t really want to say it. “You had a plan?” The words feel like they echo around the large room. “You had- have a plan for…. Oikawa being….dead?” The words taste like dirt in his mouth.
Iwaizumi looks away.
“Are you telling me that you were assuming he’d have to die?” Hanamaki’s voice is deathly quiet, but his next question rings with anger. “Are you actually telling me that you were expecting it?” He steps toward Iwaizumi, shaking with emotion, and Matsukawa puts a hand on his shoulder to try to… he doesn’t really know, but to keep Hanamaki from doing something stupid. “You were expecting to have to actually kill him yourself? ”
Iwaizumi flinches and his eyes flash back to them. “No.” He looks away again quickly. “I was hoping I wouldn’t have to. But I also knew it was a… likely possibility.”
“I thought it was just a last resort,” Matsukawa says, really trying to understand while also trying to push away the dirty feeling that he’d been lied to. “But you’re telling us that... you knew all along that you’d probably have to do it.”
He and Hanamaki can’t be standing more than a couple meters from Iwaizumi, but somehow, now, the distance feels ten times that much.
“Yes.”
Iwaizumi says it softly, resigned, and he looks towards a small familiar-looking trinket sitting on one of the tables. Matsukawa recognizes it; a small misshapen piece of wood that Oikawa had once thrust in their faces, insisting that it looked as pointy and angry as Iwaizumi. He’d laughed gleefully and then run off as quickly as he’d appeared, Iwaizumi stalking behind.
At the time, Matsukawa had been bemused, then looked at Hanamaki, amused. They’d laughed and teased the two of them about it several times before letting it slip their minds. Looking at the trinket now, the wood looks smooth and worn, as if from the effect of fingers rubbing over it time and time again.
“I knew,” Iwaizumi says, soft and this time with the faintest hint of mourning.
The sound of it brings Matsukawa back to the hill, to just after the fighting had been brought to an end–or… so he’d thought anyway. The image of Iwaizumi on his knees, cradling Oikawa’s lifeless body, will probably be something he’ll never be able to unsee. His wails of anguish, something he can never unhear.
“So you lied.” Hanamaki responds in a voice gone soft, all bite gone. He’s hurt, Matsukawa knows, but he also hears the subtle tone in Iwaizumi’s voice. He can see the pain that Iwaizumi must have been in, to be the only one to know, to know that he’d have to kill the love of his life.
Iwaizumi tenses briefly but then straightens once more. “I thought the best chance of saving him was to give everyone as much hope as possible. If I had shown even the tiniest doubt, everyone would have fed off it and we would have lost the small chance we had. So I decided to make it seem less likely that I would have to kill him than it was. I don’t regret it. I’d make the same decision.”
The set of his shoulders is a familiar one to the two of them. Iwaizumi has set himself against them, unyielding, awaiting their judgement.
Only this time, there’s no challenging eyes standing next to him. There’s no one else on his side. He is standing alone, against his closest friends, daring them to push back. Matsukawa’s eyes widen and his heart breaks again, leaving him wondering how many more times that can happen today before it breaks.
Hanamaki takes another step forward and this time Matsukawa doesn’t try to stop him.
“Idiot,” he says, and Iwaizumi stiffens. “We just wish you’d trusted us.”
Iwaizumi’s eyes shoot between them.
As if they would ever stand against him on something as important as this.
Matsukawa steps forward as well and swipes at Iwaizumi in the familiar way that makes it seem like he’s going to give Iwaizumi a good scrub on the head. Iwaizumi dodges with practiced ease and relaxes slowly, rolling his shoulders. He takes a deep breath. “Yeah, well.”
Hanamaki punches his arm. It’s probably harder than necessary if the look Iwaizumi gives him is anything to go by.
Scrubbing his arm, Iwaizumi speaks again. “Anyway, I needed to talk to you before I left.”
Matsukawa doesn’t like where this is headed so he cuts in. “I assume it was to say, ‘Here’s what you need to pack.’”
“What? No, it’s about while I’m gone.”
They stare at Iwaizumi silently. This is where they have to stand against him.
“Except, we don’t need to know any of that, since we’ll be coming with you.”
Matsukawa is grateful that he and Hanamaki seem to always be on the same page. He sweeps a gaze over Iwaizumi’s things, trying to gage what he’ll need to grab in a hurry if Iwaizumi makes a run for it.
“You’re not coming with me,” Iwaizumi growls, clenching his fists.
“You’re bringing someone back from the dead and you don’t think you’ll need back-up?” Matsukawa takes a step forward to stand by Hanamaki. He’s always liked it when they’re on even ground; it makes them a better team.
“No, I think you’ll be needed more here.” Noticing Matsukawa’s glance maybe, Iwaizumi shoves the rest of the things on his bed into his bag and shuts it.
“Puh-lease, Iwaizumi.” Hanamaki puts a hand on his hip. “You’re leaving Yahaba in charge right?” Matsukawa fights the flinch at Yahaba’s name. “Last time you and Oikawa did that, he practically forgot we were here. He works better with the people his age or younger. He’s never worked well with Issei and I because we’ve always been too close to you and Oikawa. Yahaba just pushes us off to the side.”
Iwaizumi frowns, opening his mouth up to refuse again most likely.
“Plus,” Matsukawa continues before he can regroup, “backup . You’ll need it. We’ve got it. We’re going. Now, what do we need to bring?”
Iwaizumiglares at both of them and crosses his arms. Matsukawa raises an eyebrow, because when has that ever worked against them.
“You know we’ll only follow you if you try to go alone.” Hanamaki smirks, knowing he’s close to breaking. Matsukawa nods along and imitates a grave expression.
Iwaizumi sighs.
A short while later, Hanamaki and Matsukawa join Iwaizumi in the courtyard where he’s speaking with Yahaba and Kunimi. They’re each carrying a bag and prepared to rough it since Iwaizumi refuses to tell them where they’re actually going. Just because he’s agreed to let them come doesn’t mean he’s suddenly become reasonable.
People are still coming in and out of the gates of the castle wall, bringing bodies of soldiers who were lost in the forest during the battle. They can smell the piles of perished demons burning outside the castle wall.
Yahaba is talking as they walk up.
“That’s what you want me to say? That’s barely less than you’ve told me!” Yahaba throws his hands in the air, something he’s started to do instead of scrubbing his hands through his hair.
Matsukawa wishes he would scrub his hair. It’d give him immense pleasure to be able to make fun of something about Yahaba’s appearance on his way closer.
Iwaizumi has no such reservations and runs a hand through his unaffected hair. “I know but-- I really can’t tell you anything, it’d be too dangerous. I don’t want our kingdom, or any others for that matter, to think we’re suddenly this weakened. They can’t think that we’re anything but in mourning.”
“Then don’t go on a secret quest shrouded in mystery!! Stay here and keep the kingdom as strengthened as it should be!” Yahaba looks imploringly at Iwaizumi for direction, but Iwaizumi’s face is hard. He’s not going to give on this.
Kunimi just looks tired and confused, a step up from his usual look of tired.
Iwaizumi sees them and turns. “Good, let’s grab our swords and head out.”
“That’s it?” Yahaba looks furious. “And you’re taking them?”
“Yes,” is Iwaizumi’s only answer, walking away.
Yahaba pushes between Hanamaki and Matsukawa to catch up to him, and Matsukawa has to keep from tripping him somehow. Hanamaki gives him a look that clearly says, Thank you for not tripping him. Matsukawa grunts in response.
Kunimi sighs and walks in the other direction, toward the families trying to identify the bodies. Also following Iwaizumi, Hanamaki and Matsukawa have no choice but to listen to Yahaba continue to argue.
“You trust them and not me with what you’re doing??” Yahaba sounds outraged, as if he’s been Iwaizumi’s best friend his whole life and not the two of them and the person they’re going to rescue.
Matsukawa can’t help himself. “Yeah, how old are you again?”
Hanamaki and Iwaizumi both give him dirty looks that are also tinged with the anger they feel at Yahaba’s words.
“Yes, Yahaba. I trust them more than you.” They enter the armoury, and Yahaba must realize his mistake, because he backtracks. He has to speak a little louder because of the clanking coming from next door.
“I meant, why can’t I know then? If I’m to be in charge while you’re gone, then how am I supposed to know what to say when people coming looking? How am I to know what you’re doing or when you’ll be back?”
Matsukawa groans at his words.
Yahaba slips him a glare, but looks back to Iwaizumi for his response. Iwaizumi belts his sword around his waist, and speaks as if to a child, “You tell them I’m mourning. I’m not ready to see anyone yet. Anyone who really cares will understand. Tell them you don’t know when I’ll be available but most likely not for a while. As for what I’m doing, the less you know, the better.”
His own belt on, Matsukawa leans against the wall, checking over Hanamaki and trying to convince himself not to shove every single piece of armour at him. Iwaizumi isn’t grabbing any so they’re probably in for a long journey where it’ll be impractical to carry around anyway.
“But when will you be back?”
Hitting his head against the wall he’s leaning against Matsukawa groans again.
Yahaba rounds on him. “Do you have something you want to say?”
“Yeah, your pants are untied.”
Yahaba turns red, but refuses to look. “No, they aren’t.”
“Damn.”
Hanamaki steps closer to jab him hard in the side. “Knock it off.”
Rubbing his side, Matsukawa stands up straight. “I’m groaning because our fearless leader isn’t understanding that what Yahaba’s really trying to say is that he’s worried. He doesn’t know when we’ll be back and he wants to know what’s going on because he’s worried about things that might come up. Clearly.”
He leans back against the wall, having said his piece and wanting to be done with it.
Yahaba glares. He stops and looks when Iwaizumi places a hand on his shoulder.
“Yahaba, you led well last time Oikawa and I were gone. You’ll do fine. If we need to get in contact, I’ll send a message. We shouldn’t be gone more than a couple months.” With that, Iwaizumi steps back out of the armory.
Yahaba, on the other hand, is frozen for a moment, eyes wide. Then he takes off after Iwaizumi once more. “A couple months? ”
Matsukawa’s eyes follow him out. “We’re never going to get rid of him are we?” He looks back to see Hanamaki sliding several sheathed knives of varying size into his bag. “I’m going to end up helping you carry those aren’t I?”
Hanamaki gives him a quick grin and leads the way out of the armory. Matsukawa follows.
“Why are you being a dick to Yahaba?” Hanamaki asks. Iwaizumi’s paused for them at the gate, still talking with Yahaba. “Didn’t you yourself admit you’re not really mad at him?”
“Did I? Well, I lied. I’m mad at him.”
“You’re impossible.”
“Thanks, you too.”
“...No.”
Yahaba has quieted, just looking at Iwaizumi and them with concern.
“Well, good luck. With whatever you’re doing.” He glances over them and then abruptly turns back and heads towards the keep.
“Good riddance,” Matsukawa mutters.
“Give him a break.”
Matsukawa looks at Iwaizumi, surprised.
He’s frowning, tense lines across his face. When he looks up at Matsukawa, his eyes are filled with pain.
“You weren’t the only one who was afraid.”
With that, he turns and leaves.
Matsukawa watches him walk off, reminded of the immense pain that Iwaizumi must be hiding. He looks at Hanamaki, wanting reassurance.
Hanamaki is looking after him as well, his own pain reflected on his face. He looks to Matsukawa. They hold each other’s gaze for a long moment; Matsukawa wants to hug him tight.
Together they break the gaze and head out after their friend.
The first bit of their journey is horrible. They have to wade through the bodies of demons on the forest path not yet fetched for burning. Matsukawa and Hanamaki grimace at the sight of it but trudge through. Iwaizumi looks a little pale at the sight of so many bodies, not having been in the forest area yet to see the ruin of it.
Eventually, though, they make it out of the battleground and take the road heading west toward the town of Nekoma. Iwaizumi’s been walking ahead of them, more out of habit, Matsukawa thinks, than because he’s leading. Hanamaki steps up next to him.
“Soooo, are we allowed to know where we’re headed now?”
Iwaizumi grunts. “We’re stopping in Nekoma for the night.”
“Not yet, huh. Why all the secrecy?” Hanamaki tilts his head at him.
Matsukawa steps up on the other side of Iwaizumi and he glances at him.
“I…” He looks between them, then takes a deep breath. “It’s got nothing to do with not wanting to tell you and everything to do with me being paranoid.”
“So nothing new then.” Matsukawa smiles at him, poking gentle fun.
Iwaizumi’s face softens from the tense lines it’s been in all day. “Yeah. I’m terrified that if I say it out loud to you guys, you’ll say something like ‘You’re crazy,’ and I’ll have to actually come to terms with the fact that I k–” He chokes, clears his throat. “Well, um. Anyway.”
Hanamaki suddenly starts giggling. Iwaizumi and Matsukawa look at him.
“That’s–” Giggle. “Absolutely terrifying.” Hanamaki’s eyes are wide.
Iwaizumi nods slowly as Hanamaki’s giggling trails off. “Did you ever get that checked out?”
“The giggling when horrified? I asked about it. Yuda said I was fine, so.”
“It’s okay, it’s cute.” Matsukawa sticks his head out to make sure Hanamaki can see his sappy smile from across Iwaizumi.
Iwaizumi looks at him incredulously. “It makes every situation more terrifying.”
“Yeah?” Hanamaki comes back. “So does your face, you don’t see me complaining.”
“You’ve literally complained about my face multiple times.”
“You frown a lot! ”
Matsukawa smiles, glad their journey doesn’t feel so dark anymore.
They bicker most of the way to Nekoma, walking all next to each other and move to single file when they come across someone heading the other direction. They do a pretty good job of ignoring the gaping hole next to Iwaizumi.
Matsukawa can’t remember the last time he’d been to Nekoma, but it had to have been a while ago because he doesn’t recognize a thing. He does however recognize the smell of food and spies a stand on the other side of the street. “Hey, I’m gonna grab some of that. You guys want any?”
“Duh.”
Iwaizumi considers it, nods. “You grab food from there and Hanamaki and I will try to get rooms in this place without using the royal seal thingy.” He jerks his thumb at the small inn behind him.
“Thingy, nice.” Hanamaki nudges him.
Iwaizumi shoves him back. “Shut up, already. I don’t have to be uptight and proper about it unless I’m planning on using it, which I’m not.”
Matsukawa heads across to get the food, stomach growling. The smell only gets stronger as he gets closer to the boiling pot of food, and he sees four or five smaller pots resting on a bench further in. He looks at the man running the stand and says, “Three of whatever is giving off that heavenly smell.”
The man springs from his stool, and Matsukawa can see now that he’s easily as tall as him if not taller. “Coming right up, sir!” He turns his head to the side. “Yaku-san! Customer!”
“I heard him,” says a disembodied voice. “Get him his food.”
“Yes!”
The man starts dishing out of the big bowl into smaller bowls. A short man with red-brown hair pops up seemingly from nowhere and tells him his total.
“Can I take the bowls and bring them back later?”
“Yeah, that’s fine. That’s what most people do. Don’t let the innkeeper see you in there with bowls from my stand instead of his tavern, but otherwise just bring them back.” He hands him his change.
The tall man hands him his three bowls of soup and Matsukawa realizes he hasn’t thought this through.
“Yaku-san doesn’t let me help him with the money anymore after I accidently lost him a bunch of money.” The tall man honestly pouts here, as if it’s obvious that Matsukawa will feel bad for him.
Matsukawa tucks one bowl in his elbow and then carries one in each hand. “I don’t blame him,” he says as he walks away. He hears an indignant whine and a laugh as he walks away.
Luckily, there’s someone else talking to the innkeeper and Hanamaki is waiting for him, so he slides right by without being noticed. Hanamaki takes one of the bowls and starts slurping it down while they head to their room.
“Hey,” Matsukawa frowns at him. “Don’t eat that in front of me when I’m clearly unable to eat.” He holds up the two remaining bowls to emphasize the point.
Hanamaki grins. “Says who?” He stops in the middle of the hallway and Matsukawa reflexively stops as well. Hanamaki holds up a bit of chicken pulled from the mash.
Gloriously, Matsukawa takes it into his mouth and groans when it tastes just as awesome as it smells. “You’re the best,” he says, swallowing.
“Obviously.”
They join Iwaizumi in their room, and Matsukawa hands him his bowl. He takes it absently, staring at the bed.
Immediately stuffing his face, Matsukawa looks him over. “What’s up?”
Iwaizumi stares at the bed a moment more before looking at him. “I… I don’t know. Oik– We... usually take the bed but he’s not here to whine about it.”
Understanding, Matsukawa also looks at the bed. Back when they were merely knights, not His Highness and his Royal Guard, it became second nature to only book one room for the four of them. Iwaizumi and Oikawa would take the bed after no shortage of whining and “I’m the Prince!”s from Oikawa, followed by teasing and heckling from at least two, if not all three, of his companions.
But he’s gone.
Ignoring the sudden and giant hole in his chest, Matsukawa sets his bag down and flops on the bed without spilling a drop of his mash. “Dibs.”
“Hell yeah!” Hanamaki flops on top of him sideways, also without spilling a drop.
They grin up at Iwaizumi. He looks extremely lost and innocent, and Matsukawa can appreciate that it’s a good look for him, but it’s also completely out of the norm. “Look, we’re… we’re going to fetch him, right?”
“Yes.” Some of that usual stubbornness enters his eyes.
“Then he can take the bed back when he gets back, but I called dibs.” Matsukawa makes a shooing motion.
Hanamaki copies his hand movement.
Iwaizumi stares at them. Slowly, he gives them a grateful smile and tucks into his food. Hanamaki and Matsukawa follow his lead.
After eating, they place the bowls by the door and settle down to sleep, Matsukawa and Hanamaki curled together on the bed and Iwaizumi on the floor beside them.