Work Text:
wonwoo is eight and getting shoved into lockers that his body has to crumple to fit into because of how awkwardly long he is and he’s eating lunch in the bathroom stall and sometimes in the janitor’s closet because if the kids see his feet under the stall door they laugh at him. he’s shrinking into himself, letting his vocal chords grow cobwebs from the way he refuses every conversation and his hands grow strength from the way they fidget under the table. he’s taking off his glasses after his mom drops him off at school because he doesn’t want to give anyone any more ammunition. he’s feeling hopelessness before he can name what it is.
and then –
wonwoo is ten and his brother is two years younger but a few inches taller than him. wonwoo waits for it to come, pities him, but his brother doesn’t get bullied. he comes home from school on the first day and talks animatedly about how many friends he made, how the teachers love him already, how beautiful everyone keeps telling him he is. their mom dotes on him and tells him how proud of him he is and makes dakgangjeong to celebrate while wonwoo tries to remember if she made him anything when he came back from his first day. his brother eats ravenously, food flying everywhere as he continues on about someone who invited him over to play video games with him the next day or about the new project his teacher gave him for the week.
and wonwoo wants to be happy for him, of course he does. but wonwoo is ten years old and still doesn’t have a single person to call a friend and he’s looking at his hands and wondering what is so wrong with him.
and then –
wonwoo is thirteen and kwon soonyoung moves in next door. wonwoo sees him, with his police siren red hair and his head out the window like a giant dog, before he sees anything else. he sees soonyoung jump out of the car before it even reaches a complete stop and run full-speed at the door, jiggling impatiently at the handle, before the moving van even finds a place to park. he sees soonyoung looking over to where wonwoo is stood on his porch, eyes wide and mouth agape, and waits for the elevator gaze. he waits for the nose crinkle and the squinted eyes and the face-contorting sneer. wonwoo waits for the look of mockery, but all he sees is bright smiles and overenthusiastic waves, soonyoung’s arm outstretched like he’s calling for wonwoo from oceans away. wonwoo gives a meek wave of his own, his own arm tucked at his side.
and then –
it’s only been months since they met but soonyoung’s turning fourteen and appears at wonwoo’s door, asking if he’d be the only person at his birthday not-so-party. he chatters with no uneasiness about how he’s still new to everything and hasn’t had the time to make any friends yet, and he’s kind of scared to start public school in the fall because he’s been homeschooled by his parents up until that point, and soonyoung’s mom asked him to invite wonwoo over, and would wonwoo like to come and eat some cake and maybe celebrate birthday not-so-party things with him? wonwoo is reeling, still trying to pull his mind away from the way soonyoung laughs in between every other one of his own sentences, and finds himself nodding before any of the words piece together in his brain.
soonyoung takes wonwoo over to his house and shows him every nook and cranny, every window ledge to sit on to watch the perfect summer sunset and every hiding spot to keep his sister from stealing his stuff when they’re in a fight. he shows him his video game collection that were mostly hand-me-downs from his older cousin, and his book of constellations that he was going to sign when he became a famous astronaut but was currently using to name the stars he saw from his bedroom window.
wonwoo is stood next to soonyoung, still as astounded as on the first day they met, watching the light from soonyoung’s birthday candles flicker against the wooden panelling as soonyoung scrunches his face together, thinking of a wish. soonyoung blows them out with a force wonwoo has never seen before, and then turns to wonwoo, smiling all the while.
and then –
wonwoo is turning fourteen the month after and he approaches soonyoung’s door shyly and asks his mother if he’d like to come over for a birthday not-so-party. soonyoung bounces over, wondering what was behind that closet door and if that scarf was handknit and if wonwoo bought all his video games with his own money and did wonwoo’s mom clean his room for him or did he do it himself? wonwoo keeps up with all the questions as best as he can, but he doesn’t feel that anything about his house is particularly interesting. soonyoung tells him he’s very interested, and he wonders out loud if any of wonwoo’s other friends are coming.
wonwoo scratches the back of his neck and feels his face grow hot as he admits he doesn’t have any other friends, that he’s been living there his entire life and never really found anyone to like him. and in a stern face soonyoung says “i like you” with such bluntness that it felt like the most obvious thing in the world.
and then –
wonwoo is sixteen, and he’s never really grown into his height, but soonyoung’s never really grown into his cheeks, so he thinks it’s okay. soonyoung gets along with everyone in school, of course he does, but he never leaves wonwoo’s side, a boat clinging to the surface of the water. he’s finishing up an audition for the school play and wonwoo pretends he also has something to do after school so soonyoung doesn’t feel bad asking for a ride. soonyoung runs to wonwoo’s car and jiggles on the handle impatiently, bursting with his audition high and ready to talk for hours about the way they all laughed at his jokes and when he got so flustered he had to start again and how the room got quiet with awe when he reached the end of his monologue. the inky night sky makes wonwoo seem more like a ghost than ever before, but soonyoung glows.
they’re halfway to their houses when soonyoung says he doesn’t want to go home quite yet, and wonwoo doesn’t even think before taking a sharp turn and driving them around town for hours, soonyoung in the passenger’s seat talking about anything that pops into his mind.
and then –
wonwoo is seventeen, and his mom sends him to the doctor because his fidgeting has gotten worse and his body shakes when the teachers call on him and he never makes eye contact if he can help it. he tells the doctor that there are days when he doesn’t feel like he’s in control of his own body, like his actions are being guided by the million different voices in his head with none of them being him, and the doctor gives him anti-anxiety medication. wonwoo swells with an emotion he can’t name, and he picks up soonyoung after his drama class so they can skip third period together and skip rocks on the pond.
soonyoung sympathizes with him while wonwoo throws rocks and mutters under his breath about how there isn’t anything wrong with him. soonyoung says he doesn’t think anything’s wrong with him, and he’s known wonwoo for years and the doctor’s only known him for a little bit, so what does she know? wonwoo drives them both home and tells his mom that his last class was cancelled and realizes as he’s falling asleep that the emotion he was feeling was betrayal.
and then –
soonyoung turns eighteen on opening night, and wonwoo hands him a bouquet and an offer to drive him home the moment he gets off stage. soonyoung says goodbye to a few more people and accepts a handful more bouquets before following wonwoo to his car, who barely makes it inside before he finds himself confessing how much he wants to kiss soonyoung right then, how wonwoo didn’t take his eyes off of him the whole night.
and then wonwoo’s hand is resting on soonyoung’s cheek and they’re kissing in the school parking lot like they’re underwater and finding air in each other. wonwoo has his other hand around soonyoung’s waist and he keeps mumbling about how long he’s been waiting to do this.
and then –
wonwoo is turning eighteen and their graduation is approaching and soonyoung and wonwoo can barely even remind themselves to care. wonwoo talks about all that they can do when he turns eighteen, how they can run away together and get married and spend the rest of their lives together. soonyoung talks about their future beach house, or even just any house on the water where he can spend his time with his head in wonwoo’s lap as he listens to the waves. wonwoo tells soonyoung he doesn’t care where they are as long as he’s with him. soonyoung kisses him in response.
and then –
wonwoo is nineteen and he goes to a school near home and he tells everyone it’s because he doesn’t want to leave his family, but really it’s just because he’s scared. his brother is being recruited by a model agency and he’s graduating with honours and he makes their mother so proud and wonwoo knows he’s a disappointment and he knows why. he knows he doesn’t have any friends and he doesn’t have a major and he doesn’t have a girlfriend and he doesn’t take his anxiety medications. he knows why no one’s ever going to be proud of him, but he still wishes someone was.
soonyoung is going to a school for acting that’s a two hour’s drive from wonwoo’s house, and he visits and calls and texts as often as he can, but wonwoo can’t help but feel like the two of them are oceans away.
and then –
soonyoung is trying out for his college’s musical, and it turns out he can sing and dance as well as he can act, and he fits in right away, because of course he does. his facetimes with wonwoo are in between dress fittings and rehearsals, and each one starts with a theatre party he went to or a new person obsessed with his singing voice. each one ends with a rushed notice that he has to leave and a declaration of love and hanging up before wonwoo can even say goodbye.
and wonwoo wants to be happy for him, of course he does. but wonwoo is nineteen years old and no longer has a single person to call a friend and he’s looking at his hands and wondering what is so wrong with him.
and then –
and then they’re fighting, and they can’t seem to stop.
and then –
wonwoo wants to cry from frustration, wants to tear his hair out, and he tells soonyoung that he has no idea how it feels to have no one like him.
and through gritted teeth soonyoung says “i like you” with such bluntness that wonwoo could hear the way the earth shattered underneath them.