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It starts like this:
They’ve never really paid much attention to each other. There’s something to be said about being fierce rivals—they’re given a sort-of pass as to why their groups don’t speak to each other, or even really acknowledge each other.
He’s particularly rebellious about it. Where the others will at least nod, or make eye contact, Jaeduck’s found a certain appeal in stonewalling their rivals, especially the dancers in the group. Him and Jaejin both. “We can’t let them think we’re scared of them,” Jaejin mutters under his breath, “we’re just as good as they are.”
Jaeduck agrees. He could take Moon Heejun any day. Or any of the others. Not Jang Woohyuk, though, Jaejin’s already called dibs.
Then, for some end-year show or other, they end up performing Candy, and everything changes.
He likes the song. He really does. It’s catchy, and it’s a fun dance, and he takes to learning the choreography with ease.
On the day of the show, they’re all milling around backstage as usual, getting ready. Jaeduck’s running over the dance again the way he always does, just lightly going through the choreo while the others chatter away about something or other. He doesn’t notice when they start moving into another room, still immersed in the steps.
Jaeduck hums under his breath, takes a couple of steps back, and bumps into something.
He immediately swirls around to see what it is, and nearly topples right into Tony An, who catches him by the shoulder and blinks in surprise, face just a few inches away. “Careful,” he says, and he lets go. Jaeduck rubs at his shoulder absently, still feeling the lingering warmth of his hand for some strange reason.
Tony’s just looking at him, eyes wide and curious, a stray strand of hair gone untucked by his ear that he reaches up to push back. He’s really cute up close.
Oh.
“Oh,” Jaeduck says, and he takes a small step back, face flushing with embarrassment at being caught out. “Sorry.”
“It’s nothing,” Tony replies, looking a little coy for some reason. They’re still making eye contact, still standing far too close to each other, closer than they’ve ever stood to each other in the past two years. “See you on stage, later.”
“Yeah,” Jaeduck mumbles, biting at his lip nervously, “you too.”
Someone shouts his name, which startles him. He finally tears his eyes away from Tony, realises everyone’s disappeared, and hurries off to join the group.
The performance goes well. Fans of both their groups cheer the entire time. It’s a cute moment, one that Jaeduck enjoys thoroughly as he bounds about the stage, grinning wildly. At some point, the H.O.T. members end up coming on stage too, and they jump about together, arms around shoulders, a rare show of unity.
Jaeduck bounces over to the left of the stage and nearly bumps into Tony again, but this time, they catch each other’s gazes and Tony smiles brightly, not missing a single step. Jaeduck grins right back, and steps a little closer, wrapping an arm around his shoulder when they fall into the final chorus. Tony does the same, before they jump away again.
The song ends, and the boys all trundle offstage, catching their breaths.
Jaeduck falls back a little, and ends up walking right beside Tony, who glances over and says, “That was fun. You danced really well.”
“Yeah,” Jaeduck agrees, still feeling the adrenaline that comes with going up on stage and doing what he loves to do the most, and he bumps Tony’s shoulder with his again. “Thanks. It’s a really good song.”
“Thanks,” Tony replies, and their eyes meet again. “We never really said hi to each other, did we?”
Jaeduck swallows back the abrupt shyness that rises in his throat—what’s wrong with him all of a sudden?—and nods. “Not really. Um. Hi. I’m Kim Jaeduck?”
It takes Jaeduck aback a little when Tony laughs. “I know,” Tony says, amused, “it’d be pretty bad if I didn’t know your name, since you’re a Sechskies member.”
That makes Jaeduck laugh too. “I guess,” he says, and they stop walking just before they reach the split in the hallway that leads to their respective waiting rooms. “It was fun performing with you, um. Tony.”
“You can call me hyung,” Tony says suddenly, words coming out a little fumbled. “I, uh. I mean. I know we’re supposed to be rivals and all, but like. You’re cool. I want to talk to you more.”
His heart thumps wildly against his chest. “Oh,” Jaeduck says, and he has no idea why he’s feeling like this, but Tony’s smiling at him and there’s something telling him to say yes. “Me too, um. Tony-hyung. Won’t... won’t it be a bit weird, though? Since we’re kinda not supposed to be talking to each other.”
“The others don’t really have to know,” Tony says, “it’ll be our secret.”
The idea of it feels a little exciting, like they’re doing something they’re not supposed to. “Our secret,” Jaeduck echoes, and he smiles. “I’ll catch you around soon, then.”
“Yeah,” Tony says, “see you.”
Neither of them turn to leave.
“Bye.” Jaeduck takes a step backwards, and smacks his shoulder against the door frame. “Ow, fuck,” he mutters, clutching at his arm, and Tony snorts. “You saw nothing.”
Tony raises an eyebrow, and Jaeduck flees the scene.
Back in the waiting room, Jiwon cuffs Jaeduck around the back of the neck for coming in late, and asks him, “Where’d you run off to?”
“Bathroom,” Jaeduck lies, and he manages to escape Jiwon’s grip, scampering off to bother Suwon or Jiyong. But—even as he sprawls across Jiyong’s lap and attempts to get him to come play a round of matgo, he’s still thinking about the way Tony An had grinned at him, the way he’d met his eyes, the way he’d said, you danced really well.
I want to talk to you more.
You’re cool.
That fluttery feeling in his stomach is back. Jaeduck feels like he should recognise it, should know what that feeling is, but something’s stopping him from pinning it down exactly.
“Get off, fine, I’ll play you at cards!” Jiyong finally goes, and Jaeduck snaps out of his thoughts, rolling off to go grab his cards from his bag.
A week passes, and Jaeduck’s almost certain that Tony’s forgotten about him, considering how busy both their groups are with promotions, with variety shows, with interviews. Considering how huge H.O.T. is. How would he even have enough time to think about a single conversation he’d had one week ago?
Jaeduck’s not entirely surprised, though something does keep him anticipating each time they’re on a show together, that maybe they’ll get to talk to each other again.
But they continue to pass each other in the hallways pretending to not know each other, the way they always have.
Jaeduck almost puts it out of his mind too, until one day he’s suddenly yanked behind the door to the emergency stairwell as he’s passing by, and he’s about ready to yell for help, that he’s being kidnapped, when he sees who his kidnapper really is. “Tony!” he says, immediately feeling that weird fluttery feeling in his stomach again, and Tony grins, letting go of him. “I mean—hyung. I thought you were a serial killer.”
“Do serial killers usually hang out at music shows?”
“Do normal people usually drag other people out of the hallway without telling them first?” Jaeduck shoots back, and Tony laughs. “I thought you forgot about me.”
“Hard to forget when we’re eternal rivals. Hey,” Tony says, “how long until anyone thinks you’ve gone missing forever?”
“About twenty minutes. Why?”
“I have snacks and cards.”
Jaeduck brightens up immediately. “None of the kids wanted to play with me yesterday. I think I’m in withdrawal from not playing for four whole days.”
Tony snorts, but digs out the chips from his bag and hands Jaeduck the pack of cards to shuffle.
Jaeduck smiles, and settles in.
It’s surprisingly easy becoming friends with Tony.
Tony’s incredibly laid-back and cheery, more than Jaeduck had expected him to be. He likes to talk, and so he does, going on and on about just about anything under the sun. He’s funny, too. Jaeduck likes that about him, likes that he can talk to him for a minute and spend a solid thirty seconds of that time laughing.
He wishes he’d known this Tony earlier.
But, to be fair, Jaeduck’s only ever known Tony through cuts of performances, from television shows, from interviews that him and Jaejin sometimes huddle together to watch back in their little room just to make fun of their hair and moan over how they can’t get outfits as nice as theirs.
He supposes it’s the same for Tony, then.
So, becoming friends is the easy part—it’s hanging out that’s the difficult bit.
It almost seems like fate’s determined to keep them apart, what with their constantly clashing schedules and the strict eyes of their companies, constantly keeping them worked to the bone, and the all-too annoying media, who play up their groups’ rivalry to a frenzy.
Then, one night at some awards show that they’ve both been scheduled to attend, Jaeduck lets Tony slip him a little piece of paper as they pass each other by, no other words accompanying it.
He hides it until he gets back, waiting until Jaejin’s snores rise from the lump of blankets on his mattress before he unfolds it under the dim light of his study lamp, peering at the tiny mess of handwriting.
This is my phone number, it says, and Jaeduck’s eyes widen at the string of numbers that follow after. “Whoa,” Jaeduck whispers, reading on. You said your landlady let you use her phone. We can’t meet up often so call me at night.
Jaeduck rereads the note so many times that he’s practically got the number memorised by the time he curls up on his own bed to sleep, heart thumping at the thought of having Tony’s own phone number. He doesn’t know if Tony gives it out to a lot of people, but being in that group makes him smile to himself, and he has to stuff his fist in his mouth before he wakes Jaejin up with a stray giggle.
He doesn’t know why he’s so happy, but he just is.
The next day is full of schedules, but Jaeduck can’t think about anything other than the note he’d gotten yesterday, and Jaejin looks at him weirdly in the van on their way back in the evening. “What’s with you?” he asks, “you’re making the van shake with all that bouncing.”
“Nothing,” Jaeduck says quickly. “Just had too much cola.”
Jaejin doesn’t look very convinced, but he drops it.
The second they get home, Jaeduck storms upstairs to throw his stuff down before calling over his shoulder, “I have to uh, call a friend, be back later!”
Jaejin grunts something in response from where he’s nose-deep in a bag of chips that Jaeduck doesn’t hear, already on his way to ask the landlady if he can use the landline for a little while. She’s a sweet old woman, always asking if they’ve eaten and patting down Jaeduck’s hair when he comes in to wish her good morning.
He gets her permission without any difficulty, and carefully dials, mouthing the number to himself as he does.
There’s a click, followed by several long beeps, and Jaeduck chews on his lip anxiously. What if he’s not calling late enough, what if someone else picks up, what if Tony isn’t home yet—
“Hello?”
Jaeduck clutches the phone closer to his face. “Hyung!” he says, glancing around, not sure if he can say Tony’s name without Jaejin hearing. “It’s Jaeduck. You said—you said I could call… right?”
“Jaeduck!” He hopes he’s not imagining the excitement in Tony’s voice. “You really called!”
“Yeah,” Jaeduck says, curling his finger into the telephone cord absently, “yeah, I mean, of course. I really wanted to talk to you.”
“Oh,” comes Tony’s voice, and it’s a soft breath. “Me too.”
There’s that feeling again, in the pit of his stomach. Jaeduck bites back his smile, and asks, “So, did you hear about that new Super Metroid game?”
They talk for a good twenty minutes, until the landlady’s calling for Jaeduck to come get something to eat, and Jaeduck hangs up with the promise to call again.
For a few weeks, the calls are good enough. Jaeduck’s sure the landlady’s probably thinking that he’s got a secret girlfriend hidden away somewhere that he keeps calling, but he can’t help it if he’s excited to talk to Tony—he’s fun to talk to, and he listens to what Jaeduck has to say, too.
He’s different from the other friends that Jaeduck’s got—not that he can’t talk to any of his other friends, but there’s something about Tony that makes Jaeduck trust him, talk to him about the things that really matter. He finds himself talking about how much he misses his family back in Busan, and how he’s so tired from practicing but always makes himself practice even more because he’s afraid he’ll mess it up, and how he wishes he could just do well enough to make his mom proud.
In turn, Tony talks about his own family, and how he hasn’t seen his dad since he moved back to Seoul, and how the pressure of being in a group like his really gets to him sometimes.
“It’s tough,” Tony says, one night over the phone, “but I’m glad I’ve got you to talk to about it. You understand. You’re in the same place.”
“Yeah,” Jaeduck says. “I understand.”
There’s a long pause, not an uncomfortable one, but then Tony says suddenly, “We should meet up.”
Jaeduck blinks at the wall. “When?”
“Tonight.”
“What.” Jaeduck glances at the clock. It’s almost eleven. They’ve got an early morning tomorrow at six. “Hyung, how—”
“I know a place. Will you meet me there?”
Jaeduck bites his lip. He doesn’t want to get into trouble… but if Tony’s willing to risk sneaking out of a company dormitory to hang out with him, then he should too. Besides, he thinks, when else will he get to see Tony face-to-face again, anyway? “Okay, I’ll try. If I don’t get there by midnight, then you go home.”
Tony tells him where to meet, and Jaeduck hangs up, feeling a little jittery with nerves and trepidation. For once, he’s glad he doesn’t live in one place with the rest of the guys.
But—shit. Jaejin.
Jaeduck pokes his head into the room that they share.
Jaejin looks like he’s asleep, face smushed into his pillow. Jaeduck tiptoes in, and quietly reaches for his bag.
There’s a snuffling noise, and Jaejin turns over from where he’d been facing the wall.
Jaeduck freezes, but Jaejin’s still asleep, letting out a snore.
He waits a moment, and then continues to gather his things silently, before padding back out of the room. He closes the door, and then heaves a soft sigh. God, if Jaejin had woken up—
Jaeduck carefully toes out of the house as well, not wanting to wake the landlady either, before pulling his beanie down over his eyes and dashing down the street before anyone can see him. Never know who’s around, after all.
It doesn’t take too long to get there. He walks for about half an hour, nearly getting lost once, but the signs help, and soon, he finds himself in a little deserted space. He hopes he’s gotten the right spot, since it seems that Tony’s not here yet. The place looks like it was supposed to be a park, but there’s a bare playground that’s only half-completed, and a couple of benches.
Jaeduck heads over to one of them, and sits back, kicking his heels against the concrete.
It’s funny, he thinks. He’s done a lot of rather rebellious things before, but sneaking out of his room without anyone knowing to go see Tony An in the dead of the night is something he never imagined himself doing, ever. Jiwon would probably have a fit if he knew.
The minutes tick down.
Tony better get here soon. Jaeduck shivers a little. He doesn’t quite like the idea of waiting here by himself.
Out of nowhere, there’s a hand on his shoulder, and Jaeduck jumps up, nearly shrieking until he sees who it is.
“Chill, chill, it’s me!” Tony pulls his hand back, and Jaeduck smacks him in the arm, betrayed. “God, I didn’t know you’d get that scared.”
“It’s almost twelve and I was alone in a creepy park,” Jaeduck says, a bit of a whine in his voice, “what did you think was gonna happen?”
“Sorry,” Tony says, before stepping forward to tug him into a hug. Jaeduck’s breath catches in his throat, and he hugs back, curling his fingers into the back of Tony’s jacket. Tony smells nice. Like coffee and the hint of some sharp shampoo. “I’m glad you came.”
“Me too,” Jaeduck mumbles. They pull apart, and just stand there for a moment, quiet save the sound of cars passing a little ways away, and maybe some dogs barking.
Then, Tony says, “Cards?” He holds up a messenger bag that Jaeduck hadn’t noticed. “I brought drinks too. Your favourite.”
Jaeduck takes the bag from him, and digs out the bottles stowed away at the bottom of the bag. “Oh,” he says, genuinely surprised. “Oh whoa.”
It really is his favourite. Tony actually remembered it from the conversation they’d had probably two weeks ago, when Jaeduck had just offhandedly mentioned how much he liked yogurt drinks. Jaeduck can’t help the wide smile that immediately crosses his face, and he says, “You’re the best, Tony-hyung.”
“Seungho,” he says, and he looks hopeful. “We’re friends, right. You can call me by my real name. If you want. Only if you want.”
And, god, of course Jaeduck wants to. He wants to be able to call Tony by his real name, wants to be able to spend time with him, share stories with him, see the way he smiles, reach out and touch him and smell his hair and hear him whisper into his ear—
It’s only hours later, when Jaeduck is falling asleep after sneaking back into his and Jaejin’s room, that the realisation comes, slow like smoke winding around his head, drawing patterns behind his quickly-closing eyes.
You like him, a little voice in his brain says, as he drifts off. You like Tony.
And Jaeduck thinks, distantly, of course.
Of course he likes Tony.
He wakes up a few hours later, and shoots up straight in bed, the realisation crashing down on him in full now.
“Oh shit,” he breathes, and Jaejin makes a sleepy noise from the other bed. “No, shh, go back to sleep.”
Jaejin aquiesces, and lapses into silence.
Jaeduck rubs at his eyes, and lets out a long breath. Everything makes sense now—the way he feels every time Tony smiles at him, the way he keeps getting excited to be around him, the way his heart constantly feels like it’s about to burst whenever Tony compliments him for something, or remembers something that Jaeduck likes.
And, that fluttery feeling in his stomach that’s been there since the start?
Jaeduck draws his legs up to himself, and hugs his knees, suddenly feeling a little out-of-place, a little unsettled. He’s never—he’s only ever liked girls this way before, and he didn’t ever think—he didn’t know that he’d feel this way about another boy, much less—
Much less the one person he never even thought he’d be friends with.
Jaeduck lies back down again, and stares at the ceiling, feeling like he’s just found out something completely new about himself that he’d never known before. He should feel more bothered about it, maybe, but he just… feels the same.
Like it just makes sense.
And it does, he thinks. It’s Tony. Of course he’d like him. Who wouldn’t?
Well. Not the exact same way, probably.
Jaeduck presses his face against his pillow, and lets out a quiet huff. He’ll figure this out as he goes along. It won’t be that bad, right? It’s just a crush. It’s just a teensy bit of attraction. He can navigate this, no worries.
He could even be wrong. It could just be that same teenage adulation that he’s seen in fans his own age. Maybe he just… really, really, really respects Tony so much that he thinks he likes Tony.
Maybe, he thinks, maybe it’s nothing at all, and his brain’s just playing tricks on him.
Three days later, he catches Tony’s gaze before a show at Music Camp, and Tony smiles, all genuine and earnest and wide, even though anyone could see them, even though anyone could be watching. It reaches the corners of his eyes, making them crinkle, and Jaeduck abruptly wishes he could kiss Tony right then and there.
Jaeduck’s breath hitches.
Oh, he thinks. So it is a crush after all.
For two weeks, he can’t bring himself to call Tony.
Every time he thinks about hearing Tony’s voice, he imagines accidentally blurting out that he might have a thing for him, and he can’t have that happening, can he?
So, he throws himself into other things—Sechskies activities, school-work, computer games. Anything besides Tony, cute Tony and his cute smile, and the way he treats Jaeduck like Jaeduck’s someone worth getting to know.
It doesn’t really work.
“Dude.” Jiwon elbows him in the van, on the way back after schedules. “You okay? You look like you’ve been thinking too much recently.”
“It’s nothing,” Jaeduck mumbles. “Just… thinking about choreo.”
Jiwon raises an eyebrow. “That’s not your thinking-about-choreo face,” he says, and Jaeduck regrets saying that. Jiwon’s always been able to see through his expressions; they’ve known each other long enough, and he’s observant. “What’s up?”
Jaeduck shrugs, not wanting to give it up. His heart is already in his throat just thinking about it.
Jiwon scrutinises him for a long moment. “You like someone, don’t you?”
“The hell,” Jaeduck says, head whipping around to face him, “how’d you—”
“You really think I don’t know what your face does when you’ve got a crush? You always get all thoughtful and shit.” Jiwon leans in and squints at him. Jaeduck swats him away. “Who is it, though? Is it one of the Baby V.O.X. girls? Is it Miyoun? ‘Cause I wouldn’t blame you…”
“It’s not!” Jaeduck feels his cheeks colouring. Don’t let Jiwon find out, don’t let Jiwon find out. He’s so glad that Jiwon only decided to bring this up after everyone else got dropped off already. Jaejin’s napping in the back seat, so Jaeduck’s not worried about him. He can sleep through just about anything. “You… uh, you wouldn’t know them.”
Jiwon’s silent for a moment, then he crows joyfully. “It’s one of your Busan girls, isn’t it? I knew you were up to something when Jinnie said you’ve been calling back home a lot recently.”
“He what,” Jaeduck says flatly, shooting the still-asleep Jaejin a glance, “I’m gonna strangle him in his sleep.”
“Hey, don’t shoot the messenger.” Jiwon pokes his cheek. “Did you confess already?”
Jaeduck hesitates. But then, he figures, if he keeps it vague enough, he could vent without actually giving anything away? “No,” he eventually says, and Jiwon goes ‘ooh.’ “I don’t think I will, actually.”
“The fuck, why not? It’s not like she’s a celebrity, right?”
“Uh, right.” Jaeduck swallows. God, he sucks at lying. He needs to divert, quick. “But, like—I don’t think they... feel the same way,” he finishes lamely.
“Hey. You won’t know until you try, right?” Jiwon thumps him on the shoulder, just as the van pulls up to Jaeduck and Jaejin’s place. “Call your girl tonight, huh?”
“Yeah,” Jaeduck says noncommittally, as he reaches over the seat to slap Jaejin’s head lightly, waking him up. “Thanks, Jiwon-hyung.”
Click. Beep. Beep—
He picks up almost immediately. “Jaeduck!” comes Tony’s voice, sounding like he’s relieved to hear from him. “You didn’t call for so long—I was starting to think you didn’t want to talk to me anymore—”
“Of course not!” Jaeduck clutches the phone closer, suddenly feeling a thousand times happier at hearing his voice after so long. “I… I missed you, Seungho-hyung. Sorry I didn’t call. I just—I had to take care of something.”
“Whenever works for you. I don’t mind. I can always wait.” He sounds fond even over the phone. Jaeduck’s stomach is going to tie itself into knots at this rate. “Always.”
“Oh,” Jaeduck says, biting his lip as he feels a smile come on, “okay.” There’s a short pause, and then, he asks, suddenly feeling a bit bold, “Do you… want to go get dinner next week? Like, real food? I know we always bring snacks along when we hang out, but—I just thought it’d be fun. Something different.”
There’s a silent moment on Tony’s end as well. Maybe it was too sudden, Jaeduck thinks, nervous. But then, Tony goes, “I know a good place. You gotta dress nice, though.”
“Sure,” Jaeduck says, resisting the urge to pump his fist in the air. “Yeah, sounds great.”
Tony rattles off the name of a place that’s near their usual spot, and a time, and adds, “It’s a pretty unknown spot, and they have those high booths, so no one will see us.”
“Can’t wait.” Jaeduck leans back against the wall, smiling up at the ceiling. “I’ll see you.”
“See you. Sleep well.”
“You too.”
Jaeduck hangs up, and makes the short trip back up to his room, holding back his glee the entire time. Dress nice, he thinks, flopping onto his bed. Like it’s a date.
And, he freezes, because—shit. He doesn’t even know if Tony—if he even is—
Jaeduck swallows, and shakes his head. No. No point thinking about that. He’ll just go enjoy himself, and test the waters. Or something. That’s what people do right? When they’re not sure if the person they like likes them too?
“Fuck,” Jaeduck whispers, kicking at his blanket ineffectually. “Why are feelings so complicated.”
“Dunno,” comes Jaejin’s voice from the other bed, “hey, so, have you really been calling a girl back home instead of your mom? You told me it was your mom.”
Jaeduck throws a pillow at Jaejin, who promptly tips over and falls off the edge of his bed.
They split drinks and share a bowl of hot noodles, elbows knocking, knees touching.
Jaeduck feels warm, not just because of the noodles, but because Tony’s not moving away even though they’re sitting so close together. They could be sitting further apart. It’s a big booth, there’s more than enough space, but—Jaeduck doesn’t want to move away either.
It feels natural to be this close. It’s like they’ve been drawing towards each other steadily over all these months, closer and closer until Jaeduck knows what it’s like to feel the brush of his hand against his.
They talk about the things they usually do—performances, funny stories about fans, their groups. Jaeduck laughs at Tony’s terrible jokes, at his exaggerated tales of stage accidents, and almost snorts soup out of his nose when Tony tells him some silly story about Woohyuk and a somehow misplaced kitten.
“... And then he screams, loud as anything, and almost falls out of the window.” Tony shakes his head, and Jaeduck muffles his laugh with the back of his hand. “It’s still funny. Gosh.”
“He’ll kill you if he knows you told me,” Jaeduck mentions, giggling.
“Worth it,” Tony says with a grin, and there’s something in his eyes, and something in his voice that makes Jaeduck wonder… just a little…
When Jaeduck had first walked into the hole-in-the-wall earlier in the night, Tony had already been sitting there, adjusting the collar of his shirt, and when he’d spotted Jaeduck he’d sort-of paused for a moment, eyes skirting over him. Like a once-over.
He’s still not too sure what to think of it, or whether he should even think anything of it.
And now, Tony asks, “Do you wanna go for a walk?”
They end up at their usual spot after a little while of walking, the little abandoned park, no one else there in the middle of the night but them.
It’s starting to get a little cold. Jaeduck rubs his palms along the sides of his arms, feeling the chill. He should’ve worn a thicker sweater.
Then, he feels warmth across his shoulders, and he glances up to feel Tony putting his own coat over Jaeduck’s shoulders, tugging it around his front and straightening the collar. “Why didn’t you bring a jacket?” he chides. But it’s fond, and it makes Jaeduck’s throat tighten a little when he registers just how close together they’re standing. “There,” Tony murmurs, patting the lapel down, before stepping back. “Better?”
“Yeah,” Jaeduck murmurs, and his gaze flicks up to meet Tony’s. “Thanks.”
There’s something weird in the air, now that Jaeduck’s finally settled what he’s been feeling this whole time. Like—like some tension that’s always been there, but a lot more palpable than before. Like it's coming from both sides.
They end up just sitting beside each other on the bench, both of them silent, not sure what to say. Jaeduck sneaks several glances over at Tony, who keeps doing the same, until they both end up bursting into laughter.
“Okay, sorry,” Jaeduck says, “it was getting awkward.”
“Yeah, I just.” Tony shakes his head. “There was just something… I dunno. First dinner, then walking over, and now here…”
“Almost felt like a date,” Jaeduck says without thinking.
“Is this a date?” Tony says, teasing the way he always is.
“Only if you want it to be,” Jaeduck answers, too honest for it to be taken as anything else, and—oh god, he’s really just said that. Oh god.
He quickly looks away, horrified that he’s allowed himself to slip up like this.
Tony does a double take. “What?”
“I said,” Jaeduck, a little muted, “if you want it to be. Because I do. I want it to be a date.” It’s now or never, he supposes. “I like you. As more than friends.”
He hears Tony take an audible breath, like he’s genuinely taken aback, and Jaeduck prepares for the worst. The words are out there now, there’s no taking them back.
He’s really just—god, he’s really confessed to another boy. Jaeduck suddenly feels like getting up and just running away, but he couldn’t do that to Tony. Not ever, even though Jaeduck’s heart has gone into overdrive and he feels like throwing up.
What if he’s read it all wrong, what if Tony doesn’t even remotely feel the same way?
Jaeduck feels his heart sink when the seconds pass, and Tony still hasn’t said anything.
“Look,” Jaeduck says, the words tumbling out like they’re tripping down the sidewalk, “just forget I said it, m’sorry, please don’t—”
Tony makes to move forward, and Jaeduck flinches a little.
“Shit, Jaeduck, wait, don’t—” Tony sounds hurt, and Jaeduck chances a glance back at him. Tony looks thoughtful, but he doesn’t look like he’s about to beat Jaeduck up or anything. “I just. I didn’t know. I thought…”
Jaeduck waits for him to finish.
“I thought it was just me,” Tony says, quiet, like he’s afraid someone else will hear them, and Jaeduck’s heart rises from the bottom of his stomach right up to his throat, pulse roaring in his disbelieving ears. “I didn’t know you felt the same way.”
They stare at each other in the dim light for a long moment, just unsure what to do next.
“Seungho-hyung,” Jaeduck says softly, and he lets Tony move closer this time, not making to run away or anything. “We’re both—”
“I know, I know,” Tony says, biting his lip anxiously, “but you’re. I dunno. Different. I see you and I just really want to—” and he pauses.
“You want to what?”
“Kiss you,” Tony says, all rushed and nervous, and all those butterflies from before are back. “I want to kiss you. All the time.”
Jaeduck sucks in a breath. “You can,” he says, “if you want to. Because I want you to, too,” and Tony looks like he’s just won the lottery, eyes wide. The look on his face makes Jaeduck giggle a little, and that must do it, because Tony’s surging forward to press his lips to Jaeduck’s, and Jaeduck falls silent after that, eyes sliding shut.
It’s not too different from kissing a girl, is Jaeduck’s initial thought. Tony’s mouth is warm, is just a little chapped—but it’s when Jaeduck lets his lips part just a little and he feels Tony’s tongue touch the inside of his upper lip that he inhales a little sharply, mouth falling open a little wider, and it lets Tony lick into his mouth, their tongues just brushing together slightly. It feels hot, and a little wet, and it makes Jaeduck’s entire body shiver, fingers clutching at Tony’s shirt to ground himself.
Okay, he thinks absently, so maybe it's a little different. The girls he’s kissed were never this forward. Not ever, not the way Tony is being, one hand boldly coming up to clasp Jaeduck’s cheek, tilting his face a little as he kisses Jaeduck a little deeper.
They part for a breath, and Tony’s eyes flutter open. He looks a little stunned, like he can’t believe that he’s just done that. Jaeduck can’t really believe it either. “Your mouth is so soft,” Tony mumbles, and Jaeduck feels his stomach flip pleasantly just hearing the words, “I mean, um, was that… okay?”
Jaeduck takes a breath. Steady, steady, he tells himself. “I liked it,” he admits softly, voice just a little wobbly. “Can we—can we do that again?”
“Yeah,” Tony says, biting his lip a little, looking like he wants to do nothing else than to kiss Jaeduck again, with the way he keeps staring at Jaeduck’s mouth. “Yeah, please, I wanna.”
They kiss again, and this time Jaeduck takes a little more initiative, tugging Tony in a little with the fistful of shirt he’s holding onto, and it’s good, it’s so good. Jaeduck feels it all the way down to his toes when he tastes the sugar on Tony’s tongue and Tony makes a tiny noise in the back of his throat, one that Jaeduck swallows up with a soft exhale of his own.
He’s breathless when they pull away, and the soft smack that their lips make sends a hot flush down his entire body. There’s a shine to Tony’s mouth that wasn’t there before, now visible in the soft light from the streetlamp. Jaeduck blinks away his dazedness and glances up to meet Tony’s eyes.
Tony looks back at him, a little amazed, a little grateful, a little scared—and suddenly, Jaeduck wonders what the hell they’re even doing, feeling the fear rise in the back of his throat. They shouldn’t even be talking to each other, much less… this.
What would everyone else think? What would his family think?
But—Jaeduck thinks, as he looks at Tony—sweet, earnest Tony who’s spent months breaking curfew for him, who’s snuck around his strict management for months for him—maybe if they just give this a chance, maybe it’ll be okay. If they’re just careful—maybe they’ll be okay.
He reaches for Tony’s hand and curls their fingers together. “Nobody has to know,” he says, voice soft, the words an echo of their very first conversation, “it’ll be our secret.”
Tony dips his head a little, letting out a hard breath, probably thinking about the same things that Jaeduck’s just run over in his mind. “It’s not going to be easy,” he says eventually.
Jaeduck leans in, and noses at his cheek. “Nothing we do is ever going to be easy. But we can at least go at it together.” He kisses at the corner of Tony’s mouth, and whispers, “I really like you, Seungho-hyung.”
Tony’s fingers tighten around his. “Okay, yeah. Okay,” he says, like he’s gathering the courage to admit it to himself, and he smiles. “Yeah. It’ll be okay. We can do this.” Tony takes a breath. “Together?”
“Together.” At that, Tony’s smile grows, slow and soft across his face.
Jaeduck beams right back at him, feeling ridiculously content, and Tony kisses him again.
They wrap up their performance to a smattering of applause, and loud cheers from the section that’s decked out in yellow. Jaeduck waves cheerily to the fans, and hops down from the stage, catching his breath as he goes. That’s the end of promotions then, for this song. Jaeduck’s already preparing himself to start learning the choreography for the next one. He always has to be ready.
From across the hallway, he spots a familiar group making its way into a room.
Tony lifts his gaze and meets his. Jaeduck smiles, hoping he’ll see it from all the way across.
Right away, Tony smiles right back, and it feels a bit more special this time, compared to all the other times they’ve shared these secret little smiles. Like it means something more. Like it’s just for him.
Jaeduck lets the warmth in his chest settle, and he counts down the days, hours, minutes, seconds to the next time they’ll get to hold hands again.