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Castiel hated having to do this. He really did. Was it too much to ask that his friend be allowed happiness? Normally, when Dean was gone somehow, Sam was moving Heaven, Hell, and Earth to get him back. Tonight, he lay collapsed in bed, barely able to move.
Castiel hated having to do this, but he loved that he could. That Sam would allow him to come find him in this state and not only tolerate his presence, but welcome it, even wish for it. “Sam? It’s me. Can I come in?” Sam didn’t move, at least not in any major way, but he shifted enough that the invitation was obvious. Castiel took off his trench coat and lay beside Sam, putting an arm around him. “What’s wrong, Sam? Why are you hiding?”
“I’m still processing the emotional whiplash. The worst thing I could ever think of, followed by one of the absolute best, followed by a close second to the worst… I’m…” Sam looked up, finally, unshed tears making his sunflower eyes even more complicated than usual. “Cas, the main thing I’m feeling right now? I’m pissed. I’m pissed at Michael for breaking his deal with Dean and not getting out.”
“As you should be. I am, too.” Castiel tightened his hold on Sam. “I don’t understand why being pissed at Michael is bothering you.”
“That’s not what’s bothering me. I’m pissed at Dean, too, for making the deal in the first place. And I’m pissed at both of them for ruining what should have been one of the best moments of my life.” Sam blinked, and a couple tears fell out. “Was it really too much to ask for that I could have one freakin’ minute to process and just enjoy the fact that Lucifer was gone, dead, for good, out of my life, never to make me afraid again? One minute. I didn’t even get that before Michael took Dean from me.”
“Oh, Sam.” Castiel kissed his forehead. “You deserved far more than one minute there. You should have had the rest of your life to celebrate that in peace. You’re absolutely right.”
“I know… god. I know I’m not allowed to have nice things, that when I start to get too much happiness, something’s gotta happen to make it all go to shit again. You, Dean, Jack… that’s all I want. Happiness for my boyfriend and my brother and my…” Sam smiled, and it looked real enough to fool anyone but Castiel. He could see the fear behind it. “Lucifer called me Daddy Sam. Jack didn’t argue a bit. I never wanted a kid of my own, I didn’t see any way a kid of mine wouldn’t be cursed by being mine, but Jack? He’s right there with you and Dean, now. If anything happens to him…”
“I know Jack sees you as a father, and I’m very grateful for it. Jack told me about Dean’s treatment of him, and how if it weren’t for you, he wouldn’t have had any support at all until I came back. Bringing me back was about his fear of losing your support. I take it that never truly happened?”
“He heard Dean talking about me only supporting him to get Mom back, and reacted like a kid would. I set him straight as soon as I knew what was wrong.” Sam swallowed hard. “I can’t… I don’t have it in me to push you or him away, and I don’t think either of you would let me, but it scares me to death. I know I should be out there celebrating. I don’t want Mom to worry, or Jack, or Bobby, or anyone else… but I can’t. Dean’s gone. I can’t start planning what to do to get him back yet, because of this anger and this whiplash and just I’m so scared and so… I can’t do this, Cas. I can’t. Not again.” The tears spilled over.
Castiel pulled Sam in, holding him as close as he could. “You can’t do this alone, but Sam, you’re not alone. Jack and I are here for you. We’ll help you get Dean back, and then you’ll have all of us. You’ve got your mother, Jody and her girls, Donna, Bobby and the rest of the Apocalypse World survivors, Rowena… you’re not alone, Sam. You haven’t been alone in a while, and you won’t be alone.”
“I know, but… that kinda makes it worse? The last time I started to feel like this, like I was surrounded by family, I lost everything all at once. Bobby, even as a ghost, you and Dean blown to Purgatory killing Dick, Crowley taking Kevin and Meg, even the Impala gone… I was alone, in a way I’d never really been alone before. I probably could have gone to Jody. Should have at least tried. It’s just, the more I have to lose, the more lost I am when it happens, you know? It’s scary, having this much.”
“I understand completely,” Castiel said. “It’s not the same, I know, since I left it all behind on my own and you and Dean were here on this side, but when I chose to turn my back on Heaven… when I chose to leave the angels gathering to take on Metatron to save Dean… it was terrifying.”
“Oh my god, I hadn’t even thought… you’ve been through losing everything, and it’s so much more than…” Sam's face crumpled, and the tears came back. "I'm so sorry."
“Shhhhh. Sam, it’s not a contest.” Castiel kissed Sam when Sam tried to protest again. “I can understand your fear. That doesn’t make it unworthy.”
“I know. Still, I kind of feel… never mind. You know how I feel, so no need to hash it out more. Can we just stop talking about it? Find something to distract me so I can get some sleep and have my head on straight in the morning when we start the hunt for Dean?”
Castiel nodded. “I have an idea. Dean told me something once, that a dog said you give excellent belly rubs. Can I have one?”
The risk paid off, as Sam stared at Castiel for a few seconds and then burst into laughter. “Dean told you about that? Oh my god. I thought he’d just buried the memories of that day down in a deep dark hole with everything else he hopes never comes up again. Sure, come here, take your shirt off, it works better if it’s direct skin contact.”