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“Mornin’!” Dean tapped his fingers against my door as he passed by my room.
I didn’t reply, I barely even had the energy to sit up in bed and try to recover from yet another nightmare. I was just so tired of the same crap, of being scared and feeling like, no matter how much we hunted, our job was never done and bad things were always going to happen.
“What’s with you?” He must have noticed something was wrong with me when I didn’t come up with a cheerful ‘good morning’ of my own.
“Nothing” I said in a low voice, trying not to let him notice how shaky it felt.
Honestly, I felt like crying. The vivid images of my bad dream flashed before my eyes, the screaming and sobbing of it echoing in my mind. To make matters worse, a heavy void had settled in my stomach at the thought that my nightmare could very well become a reality. That Sam and Dean… ugh, I didn’t even want to think about it.
Even in the security of the bunker, I didn’t feel safe. I felt like some monster would sneak in and attack us during the night, kill us in our sleep. I wasn’t used to the hunter life yet, and it was so terrifying that it was breaking me.
“Y/N, what the hell…?” Dean walked into my room, standing next to my bed and looking down to me. “Are you sick or something?”
“N-No…” The fact that he was watching me so closely just made it worse.
Dean was always strong, never talked about his feelings. I didn’t want to show how vulnerable I could be in front of him. How broken, frightened and defeated I had been feeling for days now.
“Okay, quit that and tell me” It might have been that he didn’t have his coffee yet, or that he was just grumpy in the morning, but he sounded… annoyed. “C’mon, spit it out”
“I just…” I dared to briefly look at him, even knowing my eyes were watery. When I met with his harsh green eyes, I averted my gaze again. “I can’t do this anymore, Dean… I’m on edge, I can’t stand it anymore… Knowing there are so many bad scary things roaming around out there… It’s too much for me”
“Oh, really?” He sighed in exasperation. “Because last time we checked, Sam and I and every other damn hunter in the world feels like that”
“Dean…” I complained, knowing him well enough to realize where he was going with it.
“So why don’t you grow up and suck it up like everyone else does?” Dean was starting to raise his voice. “It’s bad enough without you whining and complaining, but on top of all I have to take you by the hand and babysit you too, Y/N?”
“Dean…!” I tried again, begging him to stop his anger, it wasn’t helping. It was only making things worse.
“Why don’t you do something about instead, huh?” By this point, he was almost shouting. “Save me the trouble of picking up your pieces!”
I started sobbing, lowering my head in the hopes that he wouldn’t see it. Even if I was being loud no matter how hard I tried to conceal my tears.
“Great, now you’re crying!” Dean let out a grunt of frustration and left my room, slamming the door on his way out.
I just stood there, starting the day in the worst way possible. Waking up from a nightmare and being shouted at by Dean when I told him I was scared instead of comforted like I needed.
*
For the next few hours of the day, I barely even left the room, I didn’t even had the stomach to have breakfast. Sam heard our argument and asked if I was okay, and he hugged me and comforted me, but it wasn’t enough to make me feel better. I needed Dean’s validation, only his, to feel better. I needed him to understand why I was scared, why it wasn’t as easy as just ‘sucking it up’.
The sadness and apathy made room to pure anger. I couldn’t believe he treated me like that, it was a jerk move. Maybe it was me trying to hide my broken heart under layers of pure fury, but I didn’t mind at that point.
I barged into his room, wondering if he ever got out of it himself, and began screaming at him like he had done to me. He sat up since he had been lying down on his bed, awake.
“Nice going, Winchester, you jerk!” I paused for a moment, seeing how he stared at me dumbfounded, but I needed to vent. “I needed you before, and instead you go and scream at me? Like that’s gonna make me feel better?”
He didn’t say anything, he just stared blankly and stood up. He slowly approached me, and I tried to read his expression in search for any signs of anger, but I found none.
“You better remember the sound of my voice, because I’m not speaking to you in-” I stopped immediately when he suddenly engulfed me in a tight and urgent hug.
“I’m so sorry, Y/N” He whispered, desperately squeezing me against him. “I shouldn’t have screamed at you, I… I feel terrible”
There was so much emotion dripping from his voice. I was frozen in place, not even hugging him back as I was so shocked by his unexpected demeanor.
“It’s okay if you wanna give me the silent treatment, you don’t have to even look at me, I deserve it” He sighed, this time almost like it was hard for him to breathe. “I’m an ass, but I just… When I saw you so affected I got so angry… It just… I hate it with a burning passion, seeing you like that”
“I… D-Dean…” Was all I could manage, astonished like I was.
“It’s gonna be okay, sweetheart. I’ll make sure of it, because I’ll give anything for you to feel safe. I’ll protect you from any damn thing that dares threaten you or even scare you, I promise you that” When I felt how he rested his chin atop of my head, still lovingly squeezing me against him, like trying to keep me together, I broke down.
I hid my face in his chest and started crying in there. But at least the warness of his protective presence and his arms securely wrapped around me brought me some comfort. I held on to his plaid shirt, grounding myself in his presence there.
“Forgive me, Y/N” His hands were now rubbing against my back trying to soothe me. “I just love you so much, I couldn’t stand watching you like that”
I wanted to reply to him, say something, anything. But I didn’t know what, and my tears kept me from talking anyway. Our lives were just hard, being a hunter was horrible. But at least we had each other.
“It’s gonna be okay” He whispered, his deep voice calm yet emotional. “It’s gonna be okay, Y/N”
He kept repeating those words as he hugged me tight, refusing to let me go. I contented myself in that and remained silent, allowing him to comfort me like I needed him to. And for the first time in days, maybe even weeks, I felt safe.