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Jean-Luc watched from a corner of Sickbay as the new Odan left Sickbay with a frown on her face. Earth may have come a long way in accepting transgendered species, including acceptance of their own humans who were transgender, but that still didn’t make it any easier when someone you loved changed. He knocked softly on the doorframe at Beverly’s office.
“Captain, is everything alright?” Jean-Luc studied his long-time friend, and if he was honest with himself, the object of his affection. Her eyes appeared slightly red-rimmed, and the smile she gave him hadn’t reached her lovely eyes. The tip of her nose was red and she looked like she had been crying. Jean-Luc strode around her desk and she turned with her chair to look at him. He gently brushed her hair back and placed a kiss on her forehead. “I should be asking you that, Beverly.”
“Oh...” Beverly looked up at Jean-Luc and saw the compassion in her friend’s eyes. Truthfully, she had used Odan as yet another way of avoiding thinking about how she felt about her best friend and commanding officer. Tears sprung to her eyes and she rested her head against his torso. “I’m...I’ll be fine.” Jean-Luc wrapped an arm around her back and gently rubbed it. “I meant what I said yesterday. I’m here for you...in whatever capacity you need me.”
“Thanks,” Beverly looked up with watery eyes. His face reflected no judgement or anger with her, just concern for a friend. “Could we....”
“Let’s go for a stroll in the arboretum.” Beverly smiled. He always knew what would make her feel better, and a walk through the floral garden would help to lift her mood. He held out his hand to her and she took it, briefly wondering if he would walk with her though the corridors like that. While most of the crew knew the two of them were close and had been before, they usually kept their relationship professional while on duty and Jean-Luc only showed his affectionate side in the privacy of their quarters or if they were using the holodecks together.
He kept her hand in his as they walked through the corridors . His face was schooled into the look Jack had once called “formidable captain”. No one would dare comment or even make an eyebrow raise over their joined hands. When they got to the arboretum, Jean-Luc removed his hand from hers and settled it around her waist. He pulled her close against his side and she felt his body heat through their uniforms and relished in his warmth for a moment. Beverly rested her head on his shoulder, then leaned up and kissed his cheek in thanks. He smiled. “Shall we?” She nodded.
He kept a hand on her - either around her waist, across her shoulder, touching the small of her back, or holding her hand in his as they strolled through the familiar place. Beverly revelled in the feel of his touch. It was like reaching for your favourite blanket on a cold night – warm and comforting. “I don’t know how I feel right now,” she began as they paced their way around a pond. “That’s alright. We are allowed to have confusing feelings. Talk, if you need to.”
“I think I was falling in love with Odan....the first one. No, I guess that wasn’t actually the first Odan, was it?”
“He was the first Odan we met.” She nodded, satisfied with that explanation. Truthfully, she didn’t know how many previous lives Odan had lived. She briefly wondered if it was similar to those religions that believed in reincarnation, but then dismissed it as the Trills always remembered their past lives.
“I felt betrayed when he was laying on my biobed and told me to save the symbiot and not him. I wondered, Jean-Luc, if I had saved Odan but not the symbiot, would I have still been in love with him? Would he have been in love with me?” Jean-Luc shrugged. “You’re not in love with Will Riker, are you?” Beverly shook her head. “Hardly. He’s basically a younger brother to me. A really annoying little brother.” Jean-Luc chuckled at the description of his first officer. He was glad his staff was close.
“So nothing happened with you and Odan when they were hosted by Will?” She shook her head. “I thought I wanted it. I even invited him to spend the night in my quarters. But in the end...I couldn’t. I wasn’t able to see beyond the outside, which looked like my friend Will....am I a horrible person?” Jean-Luc shook his head.
“No. You’re not. Perhaps if you had known about the Trill and symbiot earlier you might have been able to, in time, accept Odan for who they were. But you weren’t given much time to adapt to it, were you?” She shook her head. “No. I mean, maybe, if Odan had told me when we met that he was a symbiot and that after his body died the symbiot would be in a new body with his memories I might have reacted differently or been more prepared....but then when they sent a woman to be the new host...” she trailed off and glanced around the arboretum.
“We’re alone. I had them close the arboretum to the public this afternoon and told the botanists to have the afternoon off. You can speak freely and no one will hear you.”
“Thank you,” she brought them over to a bench and sat down. She tucked one knee under her and played with Jean-Luc’s hands, tracing up and down his palm subconsciously. “I’m not a very sexual woman.”
“You are.” She shook her head. “No, what I mean is I can’t change my sexuality on a whim. I like men. I’ve never had an interest in a woman. I don’t,” she blushed, “I don’t want to touch a woman intimately or be touched by one.” She looked down at their fingers. “Does that make me a bad person?”
Jean-Luc reached out and tilted her chin up. He pushed a strand of hair behind her ear. “No, I don’t think so. I’m not sure I would want to find myself in a sexual relationship with a man.”
“You’ve never?” He shook his head. “Walker kissed me once when he was drunk, but that’s the extent of my experience. I’m attracted to women. Kissing Walker was...”
“Revolting?”
“Scratchy. How do women handle that?”
“We don’t,” she grinned and reached her hand up to run along his cheek. “Well, some might, but I prefer my men clean shaven.” He smiled and leaned into her hand on his cheek. “I’ll remember that.”
“I feel like such a hypocrite. Or maybe that’s the wrong word. I don’t want to be intimate with a woman, and yet I feel like I should have given Odan a chance. How must she feel?”
“Probably sad. A little rejected.” Beverly shoved Jean-Luc. “Hey, you’re supposed to be cheering me up.”
“Do you really just want platitudes?” She shook her head. “No.”
“I didn’t think so.”
Beverly shifted her legs to rest her chin on her knee. “Should I have given her a chance?”
“Probably, but then what if you couldn’t be intimate with her? You wouldn’t have wanted to lead her on.” Beverly shook her head. “No, but I just rejected her right off the bat and didn’t give her any time...didn’t give myself any time.” She sighed. “This isn’t really helping. I feel like I’m talking in circles.”
“Sorry.”
“No, it’s not you. I’m glad you’re here with me. You’re my oldest friend, Jean-Luc. If I can’t talk to you about this...who can I talk to?”
“Deanna? Or what about your Academy friend you tried to set me up with once? Austra?” Beverly laughed. “Deanna would only try to psychoanalyse me. I haven’t spoken to Austra in years. We lost touch after Jack died and I was struggling to be a single parent. I don’t think she knew how to handle it.”
“I’m sorry. I know I wasn’t around much the first few years after Jack’s death, either.” Beverly waved her hand. “You were on assignment. I had Walker, though. And you came back. But...can I admit something to you?”
“Anything.” He turned towards her on the bench and pulled her against his chest. He kissed the top of her head. “That’s why I’m here, Bev.”
“I was scared for you every day of your mission.”
“But it was just an exploratory mission, nothing even near the frontlines of combat. Nothing like....” he trailed off, not wanting to bring up Jack’s death.
“Nothing like Jack’s situation, I know. But I was terrified I would lose you. When I heard your ship had been destroyed, I was a wreck until you called.”
“I’m sorry,” he kissed the top of her head again. “Walker never told me.”
“I asked him not to.” Jean-Luc nodded. “If ever there was a loyal friend, it was Walker Keel.”
“Yeah. I miss him, you know.”
“I do too,” Jean-Luc’s voice caught. His friend’s death three years prior had hit him hard. He and Walker used to talk once per week and he missed his old friend’s council. His friend probably would have a lot to say about his current situation, sitting on a bench in the arboretum with his arm wrapped around Beverly. In fact, if Jean-Luc closed his eyes, he could picture the man laughing and telling him to just get over it, tell her how he felt, and kiss her already.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought him up. We were talking about Odan and....”
“It brought up other losses. It’s okay,” he smoothed her hair back. “But I promise I will never leave you.” Beverly grinned. “Like a bad penny.” He grinned back and pulled away from her to look at her face. “Beverly, I....” She leaned forward and kissed him. He smiled against her lips and brought his arms behind her back to hold her close as they kissed. She shifted so she was sitting in his lap as their kissing continued. She outlined his ear with her finger and tickled the small fringe of hair on the side of his head. They broke apart and she rested her head against his forehead before speaking. “I’m not...I’m not using you as a rebound.”
He kissed her again. “I didn’t think you were.”
“Good. Uhm...can we go someplace private? I know no one else is here, but I’d rather kiss you in the privacy of our quarters.” She reluctantly slid off his lap and reached for his hand. He rose, and gave her a gentle kiss before wrapping his arm around her waist. “Sure. Your quarters or mine?”