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There’s a notion, a rumor, floating around their campus about how one glare from Lay can turn away anything, or anyone, unwanted coming his way. Jaehyun on the other hand, believes differently. He used to find Lay’s expressionless face and monotonous voice as intimidating as haunted houses on Halloween. But now, six months into becoming an acquaintance of Lay and clowning Taeyong into taking a psychology course with him, Jaehyun characterizes Lay’s odd behavior and resting bitch face as a coping mechanism. Though he’d never say it to his face, of course.
Jaehyun stares at the empty table and chairs, he’s currently sitting in the less crowded corner of the student center, sipping on a lukewarm cappuccino from a styrofoam cup. A drink Johnny had brewed for him earlier in the day. The affection behind it had Jaehyun so incredibly smitten, he didn’t have the heart to remind the older man about his distaste towards hot caffeinated beverages. He rests his chin against the round shaped wooden table in front of him. The stiffness of these lounge chairs always bothers him, and that’s why he doesn’t come here often. He’s only been here a few times, accompanying either Taeyong, to return a book, or Johnny’s sister Eunji, because making nice with your supposed in laws is always a plus.
Johnny’s the one whom Jaehyun is doing this for. He’s at the student center on a Saturday, waiting to catch Lay before noon. He’s doing this for Johnny. Jaehyun scans his environment, stretches his arms behind his head, and observes that save for a couple of student workers, the center is completely empty. It isn’t surprising, considering the fall semester doesn’t start for another three weeks. The campus is peaceful during this time of the year, before annoyingly excited freshmen are bustling through it. Jaehyun can hear the movement of a blinder clashing against a window somewhere, the soft turn of pages and footsteps of someone moving behind him.
He looks at his phone for the millionth time in the past five minutes, two minutes left to twelve. A few seconds later, Jaehyun hears the entrance door slide open. He rests his head against the back of the chair, and counts to a hundred on his fingers. When he’s done, Jaehyun zips his bag and tosses whatever’s left of his drink in the recycle bin and runs toward the reception desk.
He taps at the glass jutted to the wooden reception desk, and then clears his throat- another way of making his presence known. Lay currently has his back to him, and so Jaehyun stares at the clan of papers beneath the glass to keep himself busy.
He looks up a while later to find Lay near the desk, and not bearing modicum of functional patience, Jaehyun speaks up “Lay hyung, could you—”
Lay lifts his finger, and points it to the small clock placed at the edge of desk, without looking up. Twenty seconds to twelve. Jaehyun adjusts his backpack, his smile dropping a little. This was going to be tough but, nonetheless, he had to go through with it. He hadn’t expected Lay to react any differently; he hadn’t expected him to react at all. Considering that’s how most of their interactions go; Lay listens to him, moves his face or a finger in acknowledgement but doesn’t say anything. Jaehyun takes a step back from the desk, detaching his arms from the glass when Lay gives him a snide look for leaving handprints on it. He lets his gaze bounce from the golden bell on the desk next to the clock, to the rows of empty aisles, to a girl sitting in the corner of the room. A mountain of haphazardly placed papers and books sitting in front of her.
Finals.
Jaehyun’s entire body shivers and he looks away. He can’t imagine sacrificing his summer to academics. His eyes land on Lay, and Jaehyun feels as though something is misplaced. There’s a change but he can’t exactly pinpoint what. That is, until he finds himself checking out the older man’s outfit. He’s not dressed as comfortably as he usually is. Lay’s oversized hoodie is replaced with a white button up and his pants—
“Are you wearing skinny jeans?!” Jaehyun almost jumps over the counter to get a closer look. Lay’s eyes widen at Jaehyun’s query, he looks around to see if anyone is watching this travesty unfold, slapping Jaehyun’s hands off the counter.
“Yes, what do you want?” Lay asks, while fixing his collar.
“You’re dressed nicely, oh my God— did you shave? And since when have you had an undercut?” Jaehyun’s buzzing with excitement then it hits him, “Wait,” He points at Lay, “Are you trying to impress someone?”
Most people wouldn’t be able to tell but Jaehyun has already convinced himself that he knows Lay at a less superficial level than others do. Therefore, he knows that the slight tension in Lay’s posture stands for P-A-N-I-C. Lay looks away almost immediately and busies himself with arranging a bunch of papers. Jaehyun is still staring when Lay when looks up, at him, seconds later. Jaehyun watches Lay roll the papers, and then reach across the counter and smack the side of Jaehyun’s perfectly styled hair. Sadly for Jaehyun, his poor reflex skills and Lay’s unbelievably long arms don’t let him get far enough to avoid the hit.
“Stop staring, you’re spoken for.” Lay whisper yells.
Jaehyun massages the side of his head, a small pout forming on his lips. He trudges forward, placing his elbows on the glass and resting his cheeks within his palms. “Spoken for? What are you, thirty?”
Seemingly, Lay understands his question is rhetorical and doesn’t grant Jaehyun a response. Jaehyun continues to stare at Lay through his thick bangs till he can feel the older man’s resolve crumble.
“What do you want, Jaehyun?” Lay’s monotonous demeanor is back and Jaehyun worries a little if this is how Lay truly speaks, not just a tone reserved for him specifically.
“I’m pretty sure whoever you are trying to impress won’t appreciate that tone.” Jaehyun says.
Lay tilts his head, and places a bundle of papers on the glass and pushes them forward till they make contact with Jaehyun’s elbows. Pushing them off the counter. Jaehyun retracts the easiness in his posture immediately.
“I have work to do, Jaehyun.” Lay says, in a deep set voice.
Lay’s voice reminds Jaehyun why he’s actually here. He blinks a few times, and gathers what he has to say.
“Okay,” Jaehyun stretches his neck, “I actually have a favor to ask of you.” Lay doesn’t say anything which Jaehyun takes as a sign to continue. “I want you to teach me how to cook. Nothing extravagant, just the basics.”
Jaehyun searches Lay’s face for any hints of affirmation, but the raven haired man’s stoic exterior makes it difficult to do so.
“Why don’t you ask Taeyong?” Lay says while assembling papers into different neon colored folders. Jaehyun had seen this coming. He drops his bag next to his feet, and places his chin on the desk. An exaggerated sigh escapes through his lips.
“He’s in Japan with Yuta hyung, they left two weeks ago.” Jaehyun mumbles.
“And that upsets you because?” Lay questions.
“They didn’t invite me,” There’s a hint of resentment in his tone. Jaehyun holds his pettiness to himself for the time being, “That’s not the point. They don’t come back for another two weeks and I need to learn how to cook before school starts.”
“Why do you have to learn cooking before school starts?” Lay says, while putting away a bundle of neatly assembled folders in their, Jaehyun assumes, designated drawers.
“Because I have to.” Jaehyun’s tapping his index finger rapidly against the glass. His insistent tapping comes to a halt when Lay slides shut a drawer harshly. The sound makes him jump and lose the little composure in his posture.
“I can’t do anything for you if you’re going to act like a child, Jaehyun.”
Jaehyun considers his options, he could tell Lay the truth which technically wouldn’t do him any harm but he decides not to risk it. Lay and Johnny ran in the same social circle, just one slip up and everything would mess up. He opts for the less risky option, a well constituted lie. That he is yet to think of.
“I,” Jaehyun massages the back of his neck. He looks up and Lay is staring at him with inquisition in his eyes. Generally, that wouldn’t bother Jaehyun but something about the sheer agitation dripping from them is starting to stir apprehension in his stomach. He stares at Lay for a minute more before conjuring something, “It’s our anniversary.”
Lay scowls, actually scowls, with his entire face. Something Jaehyun has never witnessed before. “You and Johnny started dating in November.” Lay says.
“No no no, not our yearly anniversary. Johnny took me to his family cabin last year around this time.” Jaehyun says.
“And what’s so special about that, that you have to celebrate it?”
Jaehyun can’t find the courage to reason, instead he paints a smirk on his face and raises his brows. Making his and Johnny’s endeavors filthily obvious, even though no such thing happened. He just wants Lay to not question his motive further which he knows the older won’t after this.
“I didn’t need to see that look, you could’ve just said something.” Lay half yells, a disgusted sigh escaping his lips. Jaehyun shrugs.
“You asked.” Jaehyun points a finger at himself, “I simply answered.”
Lays postures deflates, like a balloon after being struck with a needle, his expression forlorn. “How can I help you in all of this?”
Jaehyun sparks at that, “Teach me how to cook please, and you can’t say you don’t know how to cook. Johnny raves about your food sometimes so I know you’re a good cook.”
“I’m sorry, Jaehyun.” Lay steps closer to the desk, “But I’m not at all interested in spending my free time doing volunteer work.”
“But hyung—“ Before he can continue pestering Lay. An instinctively feminine voice calls out Jaehyun’s name
“Jaehyun!”
Jaehyun turns around to locate the voice, it’s Eunji, Johnny’s sister, standing a few feet behind him. A smile unknowingly finds its way to his lips. “Noona! How are you?” He says, enthusiastically.
“I’m good.” Eunji walks toward the desk, a bundle of books settled against her right arm, “What are you doing here?”
Jaehyun watches her gently place the books on the wooden edge of the desk before replying, “Nothing, I just dropped by to say hi to Lay hyung.” Eunji makes a humming sound in lieu of acknowledgement. “What are you doing here, noona?”
“I came to pick up a few friends.” Eunji tilts her head in the direction of the thick books. Jaehyun notes the condition of the books; they’re thicker than most of his course books and given their withering condition, he figures they’re definitely older than him. He thinks of all the books mantling every bit of extra space in Johnny’s dorm. The mere image makes him shiver. He watches Lay lift the books and place them in front of him while punching something into the computer.
“More books?” Jaehyun says, trying to mask his discomfort with a polite smile.
Eunji lets out a soft chuckle, “Yes hyunnie, but I promise I won’t lend them to Johnny this time.” She takes a step towards Jaehyun and ruffles his brown hair. She turns towards Lay, “So, how’s your week going?”
There’s a sudden shift in the atmosphere, that’s only noticeable through close, very close, behavioral observation. Lay is flashing his purest smile; dimples and a full set of white teeth visible. Lay runs his hand through his hair and Jaehyun is so taken back. Given the fact that Johnny knows the Chinese man better but he has never seen Lay act like this with any of his friends or anyone in general. Even Baekhyun, the fourth year pre-med prodigy whom Jaehyun has seen loiter around with Lay on campus so often. The polite mannerism, charming smile and attractive aura, ‘Who is this man?’ Jaehyun thinks. The shrillness in Eunji’s voice zeros his focus back to the pair in front of him.
“Philosophical literature isn’t that hard to decipher.” Eunji says, with a crescent eyed smile. “Especially for you it shouldn’t be.”
“What is that supposed to mean?” A corner of Lay’s mouth lifts forming half a smirk.
‘Is this how intellectuals flirt?’ Jaehyun thinks, it’s a horrid thought.
“You know since you’re a lit major.” Eunji says.
“Wait,” Jaehyun interjects, “You know Lay hyung’s major? How long have you two known each other?”
Eunji smiles at Lay before answering, “I’ve been coming here a lot since they converted that corner” she points to her left, “into a library.”
The make do Library happened almost two years ago. Does that mean Eunji has known Lay longer than Jaehyun? Jaehyun looks at Lay and immediately regrets the action. Apparently, whatever conversation was happening between them clearly meant more to Lay than Eunji. There’s no other reason for the older man to unload wrath through his eyes onto Jaehyun.
“Here you go, Eunji.” Lay says, redirecting her attention back to him. “You’re good to go.” Lay places the books on the glass counter top. Eunji lifts them with strength Jaehyun marvels at.
“Thank you, Yixing. I’ll see you next week.” Eunji grants Lay a full face smile, and waves at Jaehyun before leaving.
“You’re on first name basis?” Jaehyun asks. Lay ignores him and continues doing whatever work he was doing before Eunji came. “Hyung, you’ve known Johnny hyung longer but he still calls you Lay?” Jaehyun attaches himself to the counter, “Hyung, look at me.” Jaehyun says, seconds later when Lay still won’t verbally recognize Jaehyun, the younger man takes his best shot.
“There’s a guy in my intro to marketing class,” Jaehyun detaches himself from the counter and picks up his backpack. This is not a tactic he wants to use but being friends with Yuta has taught him a lot of things. One of them being how to capitalize off of his adorable smile paired with his ability to think fast. Lay has his back to him, “His name is Kim Junmyeon, and he’s the current student council president.” Lay is still minding his business paying no heed to him, Jaehyun makes sure to raise his voice when he says the last part, “He asked me for Eunji noona’s number last week.”
A smile forms on Jaehyun’s lips when Lay’s posture visibly stiffens. Lay turns around and looks at Jaehyun, “Why are you telling me this?” He says.
Jaehyun shrugs, “I told him I’ll ask her first and then pass the number to him. You wouldn’t have a problem with that right?”
Lay walks towards the desk, “Why would I? We’re just friends. She’s her own person, she can make decisions for herself—“
“Great!” Jaehyun claps his hands together, “She’s probably sitting outside I’ll go ask her.”
“Wait,” Jaehyun feels a rather strong grip on his upper arm. He turns around only to find Lay looking at him with a confused expression like he’s having a fight with himself, “I’m free on Monday, Wednesday and Thursday afternoons.” He slowly lets go of his hold on Jaehyun’s arm. “We can meet at my place if you want. Just don’t” Lay doesn’t finish his sentence, instead he tilts his head towards the entrance door.
Jaehyun receives the message anyway, “Of course not, Hyung.” It takes a minute for what Lay just said to settle in, Jaehyun’s reaction comes late but not any less dramatic, “Wait, you’ll actually help me?” Jaehyun says, shock apparent in his voice. A weak threat was all it took for Lay’s resolve to crumble? Lay nods and Jaehyun almost jumps over the counter to hug him. Lay presses his hand against Jaehyun’s chest pushing him back down.
“Not here.” Lay says sternly. Jaehyun grins at him anyway, not being able to hold back his joy.
“Thank you so much hyung!” Jaehyun says, excitement brimming from his tone. When Jaehyun exits the student center, with a huge grin plastered on his face, he feels much more confident and hopeful. Maybe, maybe, this will help him deal with his problems in a better way.
~~~~
There are a lot of things in life that Jaehyun has accepted with a sense of resignation. When Taeyong replaced their ugly tottered red couch with a love seat, knowing how attached Jaehyun was to it, or when Johnny choose to spend his spring break with his high school buddies instead of Jaehyun. He accepted it, because he had no other choice. Just like now, when a lumpy cream colored mixture, that was supposed to be a solid pizza dough, is sitting on Lay’s kitchen counter. Jaehyun has to accept the fact that he has screwed up.
“How can you mess up a pizza dough?” Lay is standing on the other side of the white marble counter, “It’s just flour, oil and yeast. How is that difficult for you? I thought you were an honors student.”
Jaehyun sighs, his brown bangs are covering half of his face. He stares at the sad spectacle in front of him, it’s starting to emanate an ugly feeling within him.
“I don’t know.” Jaehyun says, diminutively. He looks at Lay, and the older man’s knitted brows and forlorn expression only makes him feel discouraged. Jaehyun steps away from the counter and walks to the sink to wash his hands currently covered with flour. He hears Lay sough. When he turns around Lay is holding a small measuring cup that has flour stains all over it, and filling it with flour. He has a calculative look on his face, Jaehyun knows better than to interrupt. When the cup is half full Lay dumps it on the pasty mixture rather gracelessly and starts kneading it.
“I don’t mean to be dreary, Jaehyun. I just thought this would be easy for you since you’re smart.” Lays says. Jaehyun walks past the counter and drops himself on Lay’s leather couch.
“Textbook smart only.” Jaehyun says, trying to sink himself into the couch.
“Who said that—“
“Me, Hyung why do you think I rely on Taeyong hyung so much? I can’t take care of myself on my own.” Jaehyun drop his head between his palms. “I’m clumsy, insufficient and—“
“Now you’re just exaggerating, Jaehyun.” Lay says, while placing the dough into a glass bowl and covering it with a cloth. “None of that is true.”
“Hyung,” Jaehyun lifts his head, “Do you know how Johnny and I met?”
“Yeah, at a frat party where he handed you orange juice and you decided that you want to marry him.”
Jaehyun can hear the sarcasm in Lay’s voice but doesn’t acknowledge it, “That’s true, but—“Jaehyun stops himself when he realizes how drastic the change will be in their dynamic if he continues. He opts to sulk instead. There’s silence, no questions follow his abrupt pause. All that can be heard is Lay’s lethargic steps from the kitchen. Jaehyun applies his retention to taking in the details of Lay and Baekhyun’s apartment. It’s quite similar to his and Taeyong’s, an open plan kitchen, random furniture placed symmetrically to give it a homey vibe. A T.V is sitting in the center of the room, with a torn up leather couch as its only audience that Jaehyun is currently occupying. The wall behind it is covered with a hoard of pictures aligned neatly in horizontal lines. Jaehyun vaguely remembers some of the people in them; most of them are pre med students that he has seen around campus. He only recognizes Lay, Baekhyun and two extremely tall guys that he has seen as frequent visitors in the student center.
When he’s about to look away, he spots Johnny in one of the pictures. Jaehyun just knows by looking at the picture that it was taken when Johnny was a freshman. Back when Johnny had long hair that was never, despite his efforts, ever styled properly, paired with his lash lines coated with thick layers of eye liner. Jaehyun feels warmth spread in his chest, not because of Johnny’s get up but because of the unadulterated smile he is wearing.
A dull ache precedes the warmth as he feels a dip on the other side of the couch, and Jaehyun turns his head. His eyes land on the elder’s hands. His fingers are pruning, Jaehyun can still see some flour on Lay’s arms but doesn’t comment on it. He exhales, collecting his thoughts piece by piece, before talking about the thought that has been nagging at him for months now.
“John hyung brought it up during beginning of this year,” Jaehyun’s fingers are absentmindedly playing with the open fabric of the couch’s sleeve, “that he wants to stay in Chicago for a few months after graduating.”
“And what’s wrong with that?”
“Oh, I don’t know Lay hyung” Jaehyun says, sarcastically, “I’m going to be away from the man I love for months.”
“So?” Lay is looking at him devoutly.
“So?” There’s a harsh edge in Jaehyun’s tone, “What do you mean ‘So’?! Do you know how scary it is to be away from someone you love for an indefinite period of time?”
“No, I don’t.” Lay replies honestly, his tone unwavering.
“Exactly.” Jaehyun drops his head against the cushion covers, “He brings so much more to this relationship than I do. He’s patient, caring, never says a word when I act eccentric in front of his friends. In fact, he defends me.” Jaehyun flaps both his arms aggressively. “Last week, I almost broke his and Yuta’s brand new T.V and when Mark called me a delinquent, Johnny went on a rampage about how individuality should be accepted more. Do you understand why I’m scared?!” Jaehyuns throat hurts by the time he’s done, he coughs. He didn’t realize he has been yelling the entire time, suddenly there’s guilt crawling under his flushed skin. Accompanied by a pain that he swallows because no, he refuses to cry.
“I do, you’re scared he’s going to find someone better.” The calmness in Lays tone makes Jaehyun feel comforted in a way till what the older man just said hits him.
“I could really use some encouragement right now.” Jaehyun groans.
“You could.”Lay says and Jaehyun wishes social hierarchical values weren’t embedded so deeply within him. That’s the only thing stopping him from losing it. They stay quiet for a minute, Jaehyun knows Lay isn’t the best person to turn to for false reassurance. Maybe he’ll just have to wait till Baekhyun comes back then. He readjusts himself on the couch, trying to find comfort that Lay, sadly, won’t offer.
“Despite all your inadequacies,” Jaehyun doesn’t move when Lay starts talking. He knows the older is going to say something he doesn’t want to hear and it’s better if he doesn’t react at all, “You’re still accepted Jaehyun.”
“Accepted?” Jaehyun turns his head to look at Lay.
“I know the real story of how you and Johnny met,” Lay rushes to eliminate the alarm in Jaehyuns eyes, “not because he told me but because I was there when it happened.”
Jaehyun isn’t looking at Lay anymore, he’s staring the small jar placed on the edge of Lay’s glass coffee table. “Have you told anyone?” He asks. Please say no. Please say no.
“No.” Lay says, the firmness in his tone is assuring enough for Jaehyun to believe him and go back to his unalarmed state. “Although, I have to admit I was tempted to tell Baekhyun once. The way you emptied your drink on him was just too funny.”
Jaehyun scoffs, he turns his entire body to face Lay and defend his dumbassery, but stays mute when he sees the expression on Lay’s face. The older man is actually smiling and it’s a sight that’s oddly settling to watch. Jaehyun spots something akin to fondness in him.
“So,” Lay looks at Jaehyun, “the long and short of it is that Johnny still loves you very much even though you’re prone to being an idiot. He, for some reason, finds that charming.”
“He does?” Jaehyun his tone laced with pure affection. Lay takes one look at him and makes a motion to get up.
“Turn off that disgustingly soft look, Jaehyun.” Lay says while making his way to the kitchen. “We have a pizza to prepare, get up.” He yells out the last part to pull Jaehyun out of his trance which it definitely does.
It’s not what Jaehyun wanted to hear but it’s something. The next time he steps into the kitchen it’s with a tether of confidence. He’s going to make this work. He has to.
~~~~
Progress, in Jaehyun’s case, is exhaustingly slow but real. Over the course of a week, Jaehyun has learned a lot and Lay has taken onto slapping Jaehyun’s hand every time he tries to eat while cooking. They’ve moved on from classic pizza to deep dish pizza. Given Johnny’s history, Jaehyun is confident that if he nails this, Johnny will definitely like it.
“How are things between you and Eunji noona?”Jaehyun asks. He hadn’t dropped by the Student Center since Lay had agreed to help him out. They’re in Jaehyun and Taeyong’s new apartment for a change. The younger didn’t want to disrupt Lay’s roommate given, Baekhyun had finished a 48 hour long shift in the morning.
“What are you implying?” There’s a pause in the atmosphere when Lay proposes that question, Jaehyun blinks at him aloofly.
“Nothing, I’m just asking you how things are between you two.” Jaehyun says.
“Oh,” there’s reluctance in Lay’s mannerism but Jaehyun has learned not to pry. “It’s going fine. Are you done with chopping the mushrooms?” Lay asks.
Jaehyun nods, a proud smile plastered on his face. He doesn’t mind the switch in the subject, once he’s over his dilemma he’ll definitely work out a scheme with Baekhyun to help Lay out.
“Good, now sauté them with the peppers.”
Jaehyun turns on the stove, he’s flipping over the vegetables with caution in the saucepan when Lay asks him a question. “How are you and Johnny doing?”
Jaehyun stills, he could lie but he knows by now that any attempts to dodge the question won’t work. Lay has this weird way of pulling things out of people and Jaehyun doesn’t want to make himself look like a fool again.
“We haven’t spoken much these past few weeks.”
“Is everything okay?” Lay asks, the concern in his tone makes Jaehyun’s heart melt.
“Yes, it’s just that” Jaehyun haphazardly stirs the vegetables, “He’s taking summer courses and he started his internship last week. Plus his afternoon breaks overlap with our cooking sessions, that’s why.”
“Didn’t you say you wanted this to be a surprise?”
Jaehyun grabs the bottle of soy sauce and carefully pours a few drops onto the vegetables before replying. “He knows I’m hanging out with you but he doesn’t know what we’re doing.” Jaehyun’s reply is a little distracted.
“I’m done.” He turns off the stove and turns to looks at Lay. There’s something odd about the way Lay is looking at him, Jaehyun raises a brow at him but the older shrugs and moves on. Jaehyun decides he’ll ask him about the look later on.
“After this,” Lay says while stirring the sauce, “We’ll make pancakes.”
The younger claps his hands together, “Okay!!” Jaehyun counts the dimple smile that forms on Lays face as an accomplishment.
Jaehyun never intends to land in situations that add onto his list of delinquencies. Things just so happen to take place at the wrong place, at the wrong time and with the wrong person. Jaehyun’s entire body is bathed with flour, Lay’s slender fingers are wrapped around his waist trying to help him regain his balance while Johnny’s staring at them with eyes dripping with unforgiving wrath. Jaehyun wishes his existence could vanish like dry flour in thin air.
Jaehyun can’t, he just can’t, piece together anything coherent enough to explain how misleading everything looks. Before anything is said, Johnny slams the door shut earning an expected jump from Lay and Jaehyun.
“Someone say something before someone starts crying.” Johnny drops his bag below the wooden key hanger and takes reserved steps towards the kitchen.
“I can explain.” Lay says tentatively, his grip on Jaehyuns waist hasn’t loosened a bit.
“Oh, you better,” Johnny’s fastens his pace but before he can enter their sacred domain, Lay yells, and that too right into Jaehyun’s ear, making him flinch.
“Don’t!” Johnny stops walking and looks at Lay like he’s ready to fight.
“Hyung, let go of Jaehyun’s waist.” Johnny says, his tone makes Jaehyun gulp.
“I can’t and you know you can’t come here,” Lay says, Jaehyun doesn’t and will probably never understand how the older man remains calm in every situation. “There’s batter everywhere John, if I let go, your boyfriend will fall and if you come near, you will get injured.”
“So you’re just going to stand there? Groping Jaehyun forever?” The rawness in his tone makes Jaehyun shiver. Lay scoffs and places a hand on Jaehyun’s chest, pushing him towards himself and pressing Jaehyun’s back to his chest. His other hand, resting against his waist, tightens.
“Jaehyun,” He can feel Lays breath on the back of his neck, “slowly pull out your right foot from your shoe and step outside the puddle.” Jaehyun obeys, while persistently avoiding the Johnny’s gaze. “Good, now do the same with left and don’t let go of my hand.” He reaches out to hold Jaehyun’s hand.
Jaehyun carefully steps out of the puddle. He holds onto Lay’s hand, helping the older get out without slipping and he does.
Jaehyun has his back towards Johnny, so he doesn’t see the older grab his hand and pull him towards himself.
“Now explain.” Johnny says. Fortunately Jaehyun isn’t the recipient of his boyfriends wrath, it’s Lay.
Lay rolls his eyes and moves to grab a small towel placed on the edge of the counter. “I’m going to take a shower. You two should talk.” He waves a finger at the space between Johnny and Jaehyun and leaves.
Jaehyun watches his boyfriend stare at the space Lay was occupying a second ago. He gently lets of his hold on Jaehyun’s arm and walks towards the loveseat.
The raven haired man probably expected Jaehyun to follow him but he still can’t move. The aftermath of what happened is still reeling in, he can’t imagine the billion misguided scenarios running through Johnny’s mind right now. He wants to defend himself but where should he even begin with. He should have listened to Taeyong when he had the chance, lying to your partner is definitely draining and unnecessary.
He is so close to pretending that this is an hallucination, none of it is real till Johnny speaks up. “Well.” Johnny is looking at him from the loveseat. Jaehyun’s expression hasn’t changed from the second he saw Johnny walk in. He is still gaping with his eyes wide open. The befuddling look on Johnny’s face strips away the shock. Jaehyun feels a sharp pinch on his skin like several needles are being pressed against it, followed by an overwhelming sensation that he can’t define.
“I can explain.” Jaehyun’s words come out throaty and barely above a whisper. Obviously, Johnny doesn’t catch what he says. Jaehyun clears his throat and coughs for good measure to revive his voice. “I can explain.” His words sound clearly enunciated this time.
Johnny raises his eyebrows at him, a clear signal urging him to continue. Jaehyun slowly takes off his soaked apron and drops it on the kitchen floor, he’ll take care of that mess later, and walks to the loveseat, tentatively. He doesn’t sit on the couch, however, like Johnny is excepting him to. Instead, he settles on the floor, next to Johnny’s knees with his back pressing against the coffee table.
“Hyung was teaching me how to make blueberry pancakes.” Jaehyun says, while staring at the black step carrying the weight of the loveseat.
“I know, I saw that,” Johnny says, the sharpness in his tone makes Jaehyun squirm with anxiety. During the year and a half they’ve been together, Jaehyun has heard Johnny speak with an edge in his voice a number of times but the younger had never been on the receiving end of it. “Can you tell me why he was groping you?”
Jaehyun rushes to get everything out at once, resulting in him overlapping his words and trying to translate what had happened, prior to Johnny walking in, with weird hand gestures.
“My hands were wet and hyung told me to dry them off before holding the bowl but I didn’t and the bowl slipped out of my hands and the batter spilled and I swear Johnny I’m not cheating on you.” The last part comes out as a whisper, Jaehyun now has a hand resting on Johnny’s right knee, his back isn’t pressed to the coffee table anymore. His entire body is now facing Johnny.
“Jaehyun.” Johnny grabs Jaehyun’s hand, the one resting on top of the elder’s knee. “I know you’re not cheating on me. But,” Johnny is looking at him with reserved doubt in his eyes and Jaehyun wants to dissolve himself into the floor of his apartment for ever thinking that lying to his boyfriend would bring him any good. “You have to know how deceitful everything looks. I just want to know what’s going on.”
Jaehyun sits up and joins Johnny on the loves seat, all the while not letting go of the other’s hand. “You know how I’ve been canceling on you to hang out with Lay hyung,” Johnny nods, coaxing Jaehyun to continue. “Well, it was because I asked him to teach me how to cook a few things that I know you like.”
“But why?” Johnny is looking at him incredulously, “Not that I mind you learning how to cook or him teaching you. I’m just curious.”
Jaehyun sighs, this wasn’t going to be easy and this talk between them was long overdue. Ever since they got together, officially, Jaehyun always had known that his eccentricities and inherent impulsive behavior would lead to their break up, or a massive fight that would definitely result in an irresolvable rift between them. “I just,” it feels downright embarrassing to say it out loud but he has to go through with this, “wanted to do something nice for you.” The silence that washes over them is just uncomfortable but Jaehyun doesn’t want to be the one to say or question it. So he waits, he waits for Johnny to say something and he does.
“What are you trying to say, hyunnie?” The nickname makes Jaehyuns nerves calm down a little like he hasn’t lost Johnny yet.
“Sometimes,” to think about your insecurities is one thing. To openly voice them out to someone, especially to your significant other, is horrifying. He has no idea how Johnny is going to react to what he’s about to say. If he’s not the same calm and compassionate Johnny that he always is, Jaehyun doesn’t know how he’ll deal with the pain that will settle after. It takes courage and words Jaehyun never thought he would willingly say. “I feel that you do so much more for me and our relationship than I do.”
Johnny doesn’t say anything so Jaehyun continues. “Not that I don’t appreciate that. But, I also want you to feel appreciated you know.” the dread of voicing his insecurities settles in his stomach like the three day old pasta he ate in the morning. He can’t seem to shake the feeling either are giving off in his gut.
Since he’s feeling unusually brave, Jaehyun doesn’t end his dialogue there. “Also,” he’s playing with Johnny’s fingers, insistently avoiding eye contact with him. “Remember when you went to Chicago for spring break.”
“Yes?” Jaehyun can feel the confusion in Johnny’s tone.
“Do you also remember telling me that you wanted to move back after graduating when I called you?”
“I said that?” Johnny asks. Jaehyun stops playing with his fingers and looks up immediately.
“Yes, you did.” Jaehyun says, accusation coloring his voice. “I called you to tell you how much I missed you and you kept yelling about how much you love it there and how you wanted to move back when you’re done.”
Johnny titles his head and scrunches his nose, “I did?”
Jaehyun wishes his mind would stop taming his anger with words like cute and adorable, because all he wants to do right now is slap the confusion off Johnny’s face. He groans, “You’re telling—“
“Wait!” Johnny turns his body towards Jaehyun, “Is that why you’ve been acting strange ever since I came back from Chicago?” Jaehyun raises a brow at him and Johnny immediately corrects himself. “I meant particularly strange.”
Jaehyun chooses his words thoroughly and properly before bringing them to life, “Yes, partly.” Seconds later his face is pressing against Johnny’s chest while the raven haired man is parting kisses on his scalp.
“Johnnywhatareyoudoing?” Jaehyun mumbles into his boyfriend’s chest. He tries to pull himself out, only to have the older pull him back again.
“You have no idea how relieved I am.” Johnny sounds breathless and Jaehyun is so beyond confused. But he gives up on pulling away, instead tries to nestle his head in a more comfortable position.
“What?” Jaehyun says with mock annoyance. Johnny is still pressing kisses on his head.
Jaehyun finds Johnny pulling away just enough for him to get a clear view of his face. “Jaehyun,” Johnny says, “First, I am so glad you’re not cheating on me.” Jaehyun opens his mouth to defend himself but realizes, he has absolutely nothing to say in his defense. Everything had been orchestrated by him in the worst way possible, he closes his mouth immediately.
“Secondly, I am so sorry for ever giving off the impression that I don’t care about you or respect you enough to talk about something as huge as moving away, especially without you.” Johnny is tracing Jaehyun’s jaw line with ghost like touches. “I was happy when I was in Chicago but the whole time I was there I felt as though there was a part of me was missing and, God, this sounds so cheesy but the second I came back here,” Johnny’s right hand is now cupping Jaehyun’s cheek, “I felt lighter and when I saw you I felt… whole.”
Jaehyun lifts his hand and rests it on top of Johnny’s, the older brings their faces closer and presses a soft kiss on Jaehyun’s forehead. “I love you, you know that right?” Johnny says, his lips only centimeters away from Jaehyun’s forehead. The younger drops his head into his boyfriends chest.
“Of course I know, you expect me to not know after saying all of that?” Jaehyun mumbles and Johnny laughs, not a small chuckle, but heartily with his whole body moving Jaehyun along with it.
“Do you want to try the pizza I made?” Jaehyun says, when both of them have calmed down from their emotional high with Jaehyun promising Johnny to be more open about how he feels because as wonderful as Johnny’s romantic outburst had felt, he would much rather avoid lying to Johnny in general.
“Of course baby.” Johnny says and Jaehyun beams, he grabs the olders hand and drags him to kitchen. The pizza is resting inside the electric oven and a little away from the mess that Jaehyun had conveniently forgotten about for a few minutes.
Jaehyun puts on oven mitts and carefully pulls out the pizza and places it on the clean edge of the counter, “You’re going to love it. Lay hyung and I worked really hard on it.” He says proudly.
One bite in and Johnny is all moans and insistent praises. “I’m so proud of you, hyunnie. This tastes amazing.”
Jaehyun looks away, when heat rushes to his. He had never been able to handle compliments very well. “You know,” he starts, “Maybe the whole lying thing was—“
“No, Jaehyun.” Lay emerges from the bathroom, shirtless with a small towel hanging on his shoulder. “Lying to your partner is never worth it.”
Jaehyun scoffs, “Johnny hyung,” Johnny turns to look at him with a mouthful of pizza, “Could you ask Eunji noona to drop by? I want her to try the pizza too.” His tone is dripping with maliciousness.
Johnny nods, pulling out his phone just as Jaehyun catches Lay ready to bust a vein. The death glare he receives from Lay does nothing to tune down the blissful state Jaehyun is in. Right now, he feels lighter than air and so sure about his future with Johnny, maybe having something akin to this will be good for Lay.
“She said she’ll be here in ten minutes,” Johnny says with remnants of a slice in his mouth, Jaehyun grabs a tissue and gently cleans the olders chin.
“I’m changing into one of your shirts,” Lay says while walking to Jaehyun’s bedroom.
“Amazing,” Jaehyun says, when Lay is out of sight he grabs Johnny’s forearm to get his attention. “I have something to tell you.” His tone lacing with excitement, “But you have to promise me you won’t freak out and will at all costs help me.” Johnny nods eagerly and Jaehyun’s smile grows wider to the point that his jaw is starting to hurt. The readiness in Johnny’s posture warms his heart.
Guilt is still lingering in his conscience somewhere and it probably won’t leave him alone for a while, with good reason. There’s so much love for Johnny in him. The epiphany hits him in the softest manner possible, like fresh autumn breeze passing through him. It’s the complete opposite of how he had imagined the revelation to hit him. Instead of daunting, this feelsexpected like Jaehyun would’ve questioned himself if it had been any other way. Jaehyun stares at Johnny in complete silence for a few seconds, letting his thoughts untangle themselves from the mountain of doubt he had built in the past few months. With a clear mind, Jaehyun says the following words with a mischievous smile on his face. “You’re going to love this.”
~~~~