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Chapter Text

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Goodbye Until Tomorrow

“All I could do was love you hard and let you go”

 It was 3:31 in the morning and Peter was still sitting cross legged on the couch studying for his Performance and Literature final with Wendy. He knew it was their fault. They had no one to blame but themselves. Well...they could blame their past selves like they always did.

“Fuck past us.” He said turning to his partner in crime “those guys are so fucking stupid, why didn’t they just study when they had the time instead of rewatching episodes of Game of Thrones and going on tumblr?”

“I know. I’m glad present Peter and Wendy are responsible and have learned from past Peter and Wendy’s mistakes.” She said as she pushed her bangs out of her face and adjusted the textbook she was currently balancing on her knee. “I’m sure this won’t happen again now that we have become responsible adults.” she smiled her voice laced with several layers of sarcasm.

“That’s true. It’s not like this happens every semester and we always say the same thing.” He said with mock seriousness, the smirk evident in his voice. “I can’t believe your stupid boyfriend went to bed. It’s not like he’s any more prepared than we are.” Peter said after a minute or two.

“Well he clearly hasn’t learned from past Jason’s mistakes.”

“Poor thing. It’s a shame he hasn’t reached our level of maturity.” Peter mumbled, not able to suppress the oncoming yawn.

It was strange, he thought as he always did, that his college roommate’s name was Jason. Jason Snow, loud and effeminate and silly and surprisingly straight. All the things Jason was not. The more he thought about it though the more he realized that everyone in his life was sort of an antithesis to his Jason. Well, not his Jason. Not anymore. Not for years.

His first year at Berkeley he refused to have a roommate. Too many bad memories, too much baggage. Instead he stayed in a single with just his memories and his baggage to keep him company. He went to his classes, he went back to his room; that was it. That was his life.
His mom would call every monday at 8, his father called, never. She asked him how he was, he said he was "fine", he asked her the same, she said she was "good." She would do most of the talking since talking about his life had become a minefield. She would ask vague questions about his life and he would give her vague answers and then they said goodnight. These phone calls never lasted more than 10 minutes. Neither had much to say. She didn’t ask him to come home for the holidays, he didn't ask her if he could. Instead he stayed where he was. Alone and barely living.

That was it for almost a year. His voluntary solitary confinement. Then one incredibly warm day in April, right as his crippling, numbing depression was hitting an all time low he woke up.
He had been preparing for an Intro to Theater exam when he felt compelled to look out his window and what he saw surprised him. It was April. Students were scattered across the grass studying or just talking. Some were playing games. Some were just jogging or cycling through. They all looked so happy, so at ease. They were a part of something. They were warm.
It was April.

Obviously he knew it was April but it hadn’t quite registered in his angst-ridden brain. It was April and he hadn’t even noticed. He was a freshman in college, he was at UC Berkeley,he was in California, he was studying what he wanted, he could be who he wanted to be and make friends who accepted him for who he was and be with someone who wasn’t afraid to hold his hand in public and instead he had squandered his year waiting for his old friends to call and say they were okay with who he was, waiting for his mom to ask him about his life and really want to know, waiting for his dad to pick up the phone just to say hello...waiting for Jason. Stupid fucking Jason.
This beautiful spring day hit him like that time Lucas had accidentally thrown a basketball at his face Junior year. Hard, and fast and so unexpected.
He grabbed his books, stuffed them into his bag and all but sprinted out of his dorm. He smiled for what was probably the first time in that entire year as the sun hit his face and warmed him from the inside out. Peter made his way through the hot grass dodging frisbees and students until he found the perfect spot. It was a large, old tree, right in the center of the park. It had more leaves than any tree he had ever seen and the trunk was molded so perfectly that his back fit comfortably into it. He opened his books and continued his studying but this time it was different; it was harder to concentrate but once he did it easier to learn. He felt light and warm and happy.
No one talked to Peter that day as he sat by that tree but still he felt less alone than he had his entire life. He felt free.

He took his exam the next day and didn’t go back to his room like he always did instead he found the tree again and opened one of his favorite books.
He met his best friends that day. A curious, imaginative, adventurous, pedantic and stubborn girl appropriately, yet coincidentally named Wendy and her boyfriend Jason. They were both Theatre majors like Peter and he vaguely remembered them from some of his classes.
The two of them had brought Peter back to life again. No. They’d done more than that. They helped create Peter 2.0, a new and improved Peter. Confident, loud, carefree and unapologetically happy.
They spent that last part of their freshman year bringing Peter out of his shell. They listened to him and they didn’t judge. They made him laugh and cry and storm off in fits of anger. They became his friends and his confidants. They became his family.

As time went on he learned everything about them. They both grew up in Connecticut(though Jason was born in Chicago) just an hour away from Peter, who was in Rhode Island.

Wendy and her sister Harper, who was also at Berkeley, were the products of Chris and Jack’s relationship. Jack and Chris had wanted children and had implanted two eggs with each of their sperm into a donor. Both eggs had taken and nine months later Wendy and Harper were born. Wendy once confided in Peter and told him she knew she was Jack’s kid and Harper was Chris’s but they both pretended they didn’t know who their biological father was.
Jason was the middle and favorite child of an airhead heiress and her stockbroker husband. Neither was very well equipped to have kids but they tried and despite being a little neglectful they weren’t bad parents.

The two met when they were 15 in ballet class. Jason was new to the class and had tripped over her pointe shoe. “It was love at first sight!” he always says. “He was a fucking idiot.” she insists. Still, they grew inseparable. She would wait for him by the door. They would stretch together. He would walk her, and then later on drive her home. They met each others families. He transferred schools for her and then finally when she couldn't ignore it any longer, she asked him on a date.
“It was the dumbest thing I ever did” she joked when they first told Peter their story.
He thought they were beautiful. They were everything he and Jason could have been if Jason had just let them.

The day he heard his friends love story was the last time he cried for Jason. That was when he said his goodbyes. What it all boils down to is he grew up and Jason didn't and he couldn't waste away, waiting for him to do so.

Those last few weeks of freshman year were transformative. He felt like he had changed more in eight weeks than he had in his entire time at St.Cecilia’s. By the end of the year Jason informed him that he and Wendy were thinking of living in one of the Co-ops next year and suggested he join them and that’s how he ended up here. In Wilde house, the lgbt themed Co-op at UC Berkeley, sitting on a glitter covered couch at 3 in the morning trying to remember random facts about the Tempest. He couldn't ask for a better life.

“Yo earth to Simmonds! You’re zoning out dude.” Wendy admonished

“Do you remember when we met?” Peter asked ignoring her previous comment.

“Duh. You were sitting by that tree you’re like obsessed with, reading Wicked. I fell in love. I had to talk to you.” she sighed melodramatically

“Why? Cause I was reading Wicked?” he laughed

“I repeat, duh!”

“Do you talk to every stranger you come across who is reading Wicked?”

“More or less yeah.” She said her face completely void of emotion. Suddenly she smiled her Cheshire cat smile(the smile that let Peter know she was either onto something or about to mock him) and closed her book. “So…” she said scooting closer to Peter and sitting on his notes “feeling nostalgic are we?” she placed her head on his shoulder and immediately picked it back up “reminiscing about the good old days huh?” she poked his side. It was a carefully choreographed danced. Like most things with Wendy were. Just another one of her quirks. “You’re about to cry aren't you, you big baby? she mocked placing her elbows on her knees and her face in her hands as she continued to smile, wide and bright “you do know what that means don’t you?” then her smile drops, she sits up straight and looks him in the eye “We clearly have to go to bed because you’re obviously exhausted and I can’t handle your hazy sentimentality. You might as well be drunk.” she said patting him on the shoulder faux sympathetically.

“You’re a dick.” he pouted knowing she was right, he always got nostalgic when he was worn-out.

Once again she laughed and rose from the couch. “Come on” she ordered as she started putting their stuff away. “I think we’ve done enough studying for one night. Don’t you? Besides if we fail we’re still hot enough to become porn stars.”

“Touche” he answered getting up to help her pick up “at least we have a backup plan.”

They made their way up the stairs both almost tripping over one of Tyler’s paintings.
“Goodnight my love I shall dream of the moment we shall reunite” Wendy said with her usual hyperbolic flair when they reached their respective rooms.

“Adieu my sweetest love, rest knowing I am just across the way from you” he couldn’t help but occasionally join in on her theatrics it was way too much fun.

“Oh thanks heavens.” she exclaimed opening her door and walking half way in “my door shall be but an extension of yours, my dreams shall swim across to join you in yours, my longing shall be placated by the coming morrow.”

“Good night, good night! parting is such sweet sorrow, That I shall say goodnight till it be morrow.” Peter quoted blowing her a kiss before closing his bedroom door.
He stretched his back before climbing into bed, his fingers instantly seeking out the warmth they were sure to find. “Hey there” he breathed out, a smile on his face, when he felt Lip’s arms around his waist. Technically Peter and Jason were roommates and Wendy had a single, however most nights Jason would sleep in his girlfriend’s room and Peter would invite Lip over. He had been dating Phillip Levinstein for 10 and a half months now and he couldn’t be happier. He was living the life he dreamed of in high school, except Jason had been replaced with Lip. Dreams of going to Jason’s games and walking out holding his hand were replaced with the reality of going to Lip’s photography exhibits and walking out holding each other up, drunk from all the champagne. Going on a date to a movie theatre or a restaurant was replaced with making up stories and adventures through photographs and emailing them to their friends or making origami cranes in the park and then hiding them all over campus. Spending lazy days in eachothers arms was now marathoning something new on Netflix with Wendy and Jason, and a picnic in the park was now Krav Maga in the park. Jason’s golden hair and big blue eyes had become Lip’s curly brown mess and caramel gaze. Despite all this his new life felt just like Peter thought it would. He was young, and alive and in love. His parents would disapprove as would his old friends and even Jason himself but he could care less. Right now, in this moment, Lip’s arms around his waist and his lips on his neck, he felt peace and that’s all that mattered.

“Lip?” he asked nudging his barely awake boyfriend.

“Hmm?” was all he got back from the limp body pressed against his.

Peter sighed and closed his eyes, collecting himself before speaking.
“Thank you. For everything. I...you...you make me very happy so thank you. Now please go back to sleep and ignore my raging sentimentality. It’s just cause I’m tired and thinking about my past. I’ll go to sleep now, I promise.”

The room was dead silent for several minutes and Peter started to think maybe Lip hadn’t heard him but right as he was dozing off, he felt Lip move and his grip on Peter’s waist get tighter. Then again all was still. One minute passed. Then two. Then three until he felt a hand on his face and a pair of lips on his own, fast and insisting until just as quickly as it happened they pulled away. Then once again, silence. Peter waited for him to say something or at least kiss him again but the silence stretched on even longer than before. It wasn’t until he heard Lip’s soft snores that he understood. Lip didn’t talk about serious things. He just didn’t. He made jokes and told stories but when it came to moments like these where he was required to be serious he preferred to stay silent. Not that he was emotionless or distant, he was just different. Peter declared; Lip expressed. He would kiss, and touch and nuzzle and hug. His love was shown in small touches and soft caresses. His anger in punched walls and pulled hair. His pain in stretched fabric and bone-crushing hugs. He was as stoic as a cowboy but as needy as a kitty cat.

That kiss was his way of showing Peter he had been heard and he was appreciated.

He laughed softly and buried himself in Lip’s embrace, letting the warmth lull him to sleep.

Chapter Text

My Body is a Cage

“My body is a cage that keeps me from dancing
with the one I love but my mind holds the key”

 Jason made his way across campus, eager to start packing. He had just finished his Urban Politics final, which just so happened to be his last final of the semester; but in studying for it he had put off packing for his trip to California.

His parents had just bought a penthouse in Marina Del Rey, so instead of going home for Winter Break, Jason and his friends were going there. It had been Nadia's idea originally and at first Jason had been unsure about it, but after how difficult these past few weeks have been, the last thing he wanted was to spend 4 weeks at home.

It’s true that him and Nadia’s relationship with their parents had greatly improved after his first suicide attempt, and he truly did value how helpful and understanding they had been through this whole process but that didn’t mean their constant hovering didn’t annoy him. What he needed right now was to relax. Not to have everyone’s eyes on him at all times, wondering if he’s suicidal again, asking him how his therapy is going, if he thinks he’s being cured, inquiring about his love life and doing so much fucking hovering. His sexual abnormality and all the therapy and discomfort that came with it was not something he wanted to discuss in-depth with his parents but they seemed to have other plans.

Luckily his friends were different. It was an unspoken agreement between him and his friends that this was something they had discovered about Jason but not something they discussed. A few of them did sometimes try to talk about it, but it was rare.

Not that he cared. He hated talking about this even with his therapist let alone his friends and family. He felt as if the less he talked about it the less real it was, but he knew that wasn’t true. Regardless of whether he talked about it or not, it was still there. He was still sick. Bill kept telling him that this was a long process, and that he’d come so far and that he was almost there, but if he was being completely truthful, Jason felt the complete opposite. Instead of better he felt he was getting worse. He was aware that his therapist knew more about the subject than he did but Jason just couldn’t shake the feeling that this wasn’t working. Instead of feeling a weight leave his shoulders he felt like he was drowning. Suffocating.

When he got to his room, his roommate, Derek was already there,also packing.

“Dude, I had a good reason for leaving this till the last minute but your last final was two days ago! You have no fucking excuse…”

“Fuck off jackass. I’ve been too busy fucking your mom!” Derek joked back.

“Okay two things” Jason said as he put his bag on Derek’s bed. “One, that’s fucking gross and two, I am so sorry you had to go through that, my mom’s a bitch.”

“Yeah she is.” Derek said, laughing. “Are you gonna start packing?”

“Yeah but I only have half an hour. I have a meeting at 3:30…” he said awkwardly, not wanting to bring up his therapy; especially with Derek, who was the only one of his friends who had never officially acknowledged his situation.

“oh...uh...you didn’t forget about the party tonight right?” he asked trying very hard to sound casual.

“Nah dude. I can pack in half an hour you know that.”

“Exactly! So can I, which is why I left it until now.”

“Bullshit! I know you’ve been at this for at least an hour and you’re still not done.”

“true dat.” Derek laughed. “I’ve spent the last 20 minutes alone just looking for my passport. Still can’t find it but...whatever no big deal I’ll just sneak on the plane in Matt’s suitcase which is probably going to be fucking huge...you know cause Matt’s such a fucking girl.”

Jason chuckled and started gathering his clothes. “Dude that sucks! Find it because I’d feel kinda bad leaving you behind. I’d still do it, but I’d feel bad.”

“Oh also, do you know where my camera went? I wanna take it with us but I can’t find that either…” Derek asked from underneath his bed.

“Uh I’m pretty sure Danny took it, so he could impress that film major he’s obsessed with.”

“Who? Karma?”

“I guess, I dunno I thought her name was Karla…”

“Bro, her name is Karma and nothing Danny does is going to impress her unless he turns into you, cause she keeps asking me about you and I’m pretty sure she wants you to fuck her...and marry her.” Derek said, putting on his coat and scarf.

“What makes you say that?” Jason asked distractedly

“She told me.” He laughed “Dude she even told me about a sex dream she had about you. Bitch is freaky.”

“Oh?” He knew there were a bunch of girls trying to get him to fuck them, or date them, or even marry them but he was pretty sure they all knew he had a girlfriend and after he threw himself off a building last year he was pretty sure they all knew about his sickness too, so he didn’t know why they were all still so obsessed with him. “I’m sure Lucy would love to hear all about that.” He joked.

“I’m pretty sure she’d run her over with her car or something. Not saying your girlfriend’s crazy or anything just, jealous you know?”

“Trust me, I know. Where are you going?” He asked when he looked up to see Derek in his coat, putting gloves on.

“To get my fucking camera back. I don’t trust Danny to not break something while he’s trying to get into Karma’s pants.” he said and left without another word.

After Derek’s departure it was a lot easier for Jason to concentrate on packing before his meeting. When he was finally done (in 16 minutes, record time!) he put on his coat and walked to his car. He could tell by how empty the parking lot was that half the student body had already gone home. The lucky one’s whose finals were over days ago.

Usually he went to his support group every Tuesday, unless class interfered but since everyone was going back home soon, they were having an extra meeting just to make sure everyone was in the right mindset during the holidays, and didn’t do anything stupid while they were away and had no one to hold them accountable for their actions.
Jason had originally started out going to a therapist twice a week and working through his depression, his shame, and most importantly, his urges and as time went on Bill thought it would be helpful to meet other people like him. People who were struggling with this unnatural attraction and were trying to fix the problem and lead normal lives. The support group had really helped him put things into perspective and understand that he was not the only one plagued by this but he sometimes felt as if he was the only one not making much progress.

Everyone except him had reported a reduction in their thoughts and urges but even though he was trying so hard and doing everything he was supposed to be doing, he still felt as if he was right where he started: Dreaming about him, fantasizing about the feel of his skin or the softness of his lips or the intoxicating scent of his body…pretending it was him and not Lucy he made love to.

But according to Bill, that was it. That was the reason he’s made less progress. Many in the group had simply fantasized about being with their own gender, few had had anonymous flings to assuage their lust but he was different.

He was the only one who had been with another man. Truly been with him. It hadn’t been just a fantasy. He hadn’t just fucked him in a public bathroom and left it at that. No, he had lived with him, slept with him, laughed with him, studied with him, eaten with him. They had made plans. 'Forever, you and I' he had promised him, time and time again. It had been five years of his life, of course he couldn’t just forget it and move on. He had indulged his desires in a way none of them had and he was paying the price.

As soon as he walked into the large office where the 17 of them met, he was enthusiastically greeted by Louise: a short, sardonic redhead who had latched on to Jason from the moment they met. He didn’t really mind it. She reminded him of Nadia.

“Hey! How was your last final?" She asked from across the room. No one even noticed though. They were used to Louise's loud, booming voice by now.

"I think it went fine." He said once he took his seat next to her.

"Of course it did." She said knowingly "you're too perfect to fail anything, ever."

Jason scoffed at that "Louise if I was perfect I wouldn't be here right now, would I?"

"Touche. Have you finished packing for your trip?"

"Yup, right before I got here. Are you sure you can't come?"

"If only my parents would leave me the fuck alone but no, they take Christmas way too seriously over at the Stepford house" she said rolling her eyes and crossing her arms petulantly. "Have a drink for me and pray that I don't kill my aunt Rachel. Bitch gets annoying after she's had a few."

Jason laughed and put his arm on her shoulder. "Okay will do, but you'll be missed."

"I better be." She said smirking at him. "Anyways..." she drawled leaning in and lowering her voice. "Have you heard?"

"Heard what?"

"About Aiden?"

"What about Aiden?" He asked, genuinely curious.

"Dude totally fell off the wagon! Like point of no return level."

"What?! What happened?"

"All I know is that he left with this guy from his work. He left his parents a note apologizing and saying they were moving to L.A. and getting married. So..."

"Holy shit! No fucking way!" Jason was shocked to say the least. Aiden had been such a hard worker. He had put in so much effort and he seemed to be making so much progress. And to just throw all that progress away...well, that was certainly a shame. "Damn, I feel bad for his parents."

"I feel bad for him, too." Louise answered "I mean we both know how fucking hard this situation is. It's way easier to give in to it than to fight it. I can't blame him for faltering. I just hope he changes his mind before it's too late. Otherwise..." she trailed off when Bill walked in.

"Alright, we're all here so we're gonna start right away." Bill's voice pierced through the chatter, silencing everyone as he took his seat. "Am I right to assume we have all heard about Aiden?" He started cautiously, his eyes scanning the group for their response and continued "It's a great shame and I hope that instead of judging and condemning him, he will be in all your prayers. We all know how difficult it is to overcome these urges and how easy it is to give in to them especially in today’s society with all the queer acceptance and gay marriage. It’s easy to get swept up in all that nonsense" He shifted in his seat and turned to Tim "Now, Timothy has some very exciting news to share with us, don't you?"

Tim gave his usual cocky smile. The one that made Jason incredibly uncomfortable for some reason.

"Yes I do Bill." He looked around the room and made direct eye contact with Robbie who was sat to Jason's left before speaking again. "I proposed to Rhea last week. We're getting married in August."

"Well congratulations Timothy! See guys, change is possible. It's slow and gradual but in the end you can all lead normal lives if you put your minds to it. I am very proud of you Timothy and I'm sure your parents are as well. I know your same sex attraction has not completely gone away but this is a wonderful step in the right direction."

As Bill spoke, everyone else, Tim included had their eyes fixed on Robbie. They had both admitted to having sinful thoughts towards each other in the past so if anyone's reaction was especially interesting, it was his.

"Congratulations Tim." Robbie said with an awkward smile and immediately turned to Jason for help.

"Yeah man congratulations!" Jason said loudly. Everyone's attention was now on him. "You're a real inspiration man." He added. He meant it too. There was nothing Jason wanted more than to have a normal life. It just didn't seem possible for him right now but Tim was on his way to accomplishing it. And he genuinely did seem happy, so change was definitely possible, like Bill always said.

After everyone was done congratulating Tim on his engagement, the session truly began. They each went around the circle and spoke about their progress as well as their obstacles. Jason waited nervously as he listened to his companions.

Tim talked about his bride to be and how glad he was with his decision and the direction his life was going.

Robbie awkwardly confessed to being upset by the news of Tim's engagement and feeling a setback in his progress.

Alexis complained about Penny , the sorority girl who kept asking her out and who she swore was definitely testing her patience but not her resolve.

Damian delighted and scandalized everyone with the story of his first sexual encounter with a girl.

And then it was Jason's turn and his stomach dropped. He had so much to say, so much turmoil inside of him that he didn't even know how or where to start.

"Alright why don't you start by telling us how you are?" Bill suggested "I'll admit I've been a little worried about you recently."

"Oh! Uhh, I don't really know..." He sighed "I'm not gonna try to kill myself again if that's what you're worried about. But..."

"That's good to hear." Bill said and motioned for him to continue.

"I...I think...I..." Jason sighed again in frustration, then took a deep breath to try to calm himself down. "I'm just...I'm pissed off I guess, because I'm not getting better. I'm getting better at ignoring it and at pretending to be someone else but I'm not actually getting better. I still have these thoughts and these feelings and I hate that. I hate that I might never get better, you know? That I'll just learn to suppress it enough to live a normal life but I'm never going to be normal myself."

"If you ask me that's more than good enough though." Harry said in his usual nonchalant, matter of fact, way.

"I guess, but I'm fucking miserable and I hate the thought of being this miserable for the rest of my life. And I think of what would make me happy and it's all shit I can't control because being like this doesn't make me happy, so even if I was with him" he knew he didn't have to say who him was. They all knew. "I wouldn't be happy because being with him is wrong and it's disgusting and everyone I care about would hate me and stop talking to me but...being without him is making me miserable and being with this poor girl I'm not attracted to, is making me miserable."

"Then what would make you happy?" Bill asked

"The only thing that would make me happy is to be normal or...or dead. But I'm neither of those things. And I don't understand what I did to deserve this fucking...disease...I just..I want it to go away but it's not. And I'm trying so fucking hard and I'm doing everything you tell me to do but at the end of the day I'm still a fucking queer, and I'm still pining after a guy my fucking diseased brain convinced me I was in love with and I'm just so fucking exhausted." He exhaled loudly. "So yeah..."

Bill remained quiet, waiting for Jason's emotions to calm down.
“I’m sorry.” Jason said after a while. “I wish I had something more positive to share.”

“Jason…” Bill started attempting to catch his eye, except his patient refused to look at anything but his own hands. “this isn’t one of those society banquets and balls your mother throws. We don’t just share good news and gossip here. This is where you kids come to overcome this problem that plagues both you and our society as a whole. Hey, look at me when I speak to you, I’m not talking to the top of your head.”

A few moments passed before Jason could overcome his shame enough to look up at his mentor. When he finally did look up, his shocked companions looked at each other in awe. In the almost two years they had known Jason, no one had ever seen him cry. Not even after he tried to kill himself last year and they had gone to see him at the hospital. But now here he was, blue eyes brimming with tears that his pride refused to let spill and it was worrisome to say the least. If he was upset enough to be almost crying in front of them, then the situation was worse than any of them originally thought.

“Thank you.” Bill continued “I am so incredibly proud of all of those here who have made incredible strides in their journey but I think I’m proudest of you. You may feel like a failure Jason but you’ve shown a strength of character that quite frankly surprised even me. When you first came to me and I heard your story about how you had engaged in such an unhealthy and delusional attachment to that boy, I honestly thought you’d leave my guidance quickly and go back to that lifestyle but here we are, 3 years later and you’re still going strong. Like I’ve told you before you are in a tougher situation than everyone else. The way this thing grabbed a hold of you and the attachment you shared with that boy makes it very difficult for you to get better. Difficult but I swear, not impossible. You’ve gotten so much better already, even if you can’t see it. Trust me. It’s a slow and painful process but I promise you one day you’ll wake up and this will be a thing of the past.” Bill paused and looked around the room dramatically before once again making eye contact with Jason. “All of you here are suffering from a mental disorder. Nothing more, and just like it’s difficult to treat someone’s Schizophrenia, it is difficult to treat this and just like some people have a more severe form of OCD than others, some of you have harder urges to suppress. That’s okay. The important thing is that instead of listening to the liberal propaganda that is running rampant in our country you’re here getting help. In the end that makes all the difference to God.” Bill once again paused to look around at the others, this time with a look that suggested that one of them should offer up some encouragement.

“He’s right!” Louise said immediately. “You’re doing so much better and if you continue on instead of trying to hurt yourself again you’ll be able to look back on all this and be proud of yourself.”

“You say that you didn’t know what you did to deserve this but you didn’t do anything.” Anna said before Jason could respond to Louise. She was a shy mexican girl who usually only spoke when directly addressed and was the only one there who had attempted suicide more times than Jason. These two things meant that whenever she dispensed any advice it had an air of sage intelligence to it.

“You don’t deserve this.” she continued. “No one deserves this but I happen to think you’re strong enough to make it through this and you know we’re all here for you. All of us are here to help you so stop fucking acting like we’re not. If you need to talk, which clearly you do then talk to us. Any of us. We can understand what you’re going through and we can fucking help. So like, let us okay?”

“Well fuck Anna, thanks for taking my spotlight.” Louise joked, as usual making everyone else laugh too. “Here I thought I’d be the one giving him some heartfelt encouragement and you just show up out of left-field to steal my thunder.”

“Sorry Louise.” Ann said with the brightest smile they’d ever seen on her.

“No thanks to the both of you for speaking up.” Bill chimed in. “I hope they we were able to help you in some way.” He said looking at Jason.

“Yes, sir it did.” Jason nodded, clearly still fighting off tears. “Thanks guys…” he paused suddenly, not knowing how to convey any of the things he was thinking and not enjoying everyone’s eyes on him right now. “Can we please move on though? I think I’m done getting stared at, for today.” he joked awkwardly.

“Yes.” Bill declared emphatically “Anna! Since we seem to have gotten you in a talking mood how about you go next…”

Anna talked about her family and how nervous she was about disappointing them and so on but at this point Jason was too busy failing to collect himself to really listen.

He sensed he was right on the verge of some kind of breakdown. He was never one to cry much but recently that’s all he really felt like doing.

He was ashamed of it.

‘One more to the list.’ he thought.

How many more things could he be ashamed of? At this point the list was overflowing.

Chapter Text

Let It Be

“When I find myself in times of trouble, Mother Mary comes to me.

Speaking word of wisdom: Let it be.”

Peter was full. After they finished their finals he and his friends walked to a restaurant about 10 minutes from campus for dinner.

They did this every semester; it was their ‘holy shit we got through finals’ tradition. It was a great tradition really. They went to a nice restaurant, ate a full, five course meal, got expensive drinks and by the end Wendy and Harper’s parents would always text and say to put the bill on their card because “we’re so proud of you kids for getting through your finals.”

Which at first made Peter feel like a mooch but now it was just part of the tradition. A part that he took full advantage of, so really, Peter was full. But he only had a little bit of pie left and he was trying to decide whether to eat it anyways. It was really good pie but...

“Oh my God! Nate, shut the fuck up!” Wendy cried from across the table. “You say that every time you take any test. Ever. And then guess what? Lo and behold, you never fail.”

She spoke so loudly she managed to not only get the attention of the table next to them but also Peter’s who hadn’t been paying too much attention. He was too busy trying to decide whether to finish his pie or not.

“Shut up and go back to your cheesecake. And for the record that's not true. I don't always say that...”

“Yes you do!” Lip interrupted “ Ever since we were kids whenever you take a test you come to me telling me you failed and then you don't. You've never failed but you still have this pathological fear of it. It's annoying.”

“Hey Nate, do you want my therapist’s number?” Peter said with a smirk. He understood Nate’s fear but he’d never waste an opportunity to make fun of Nate’s neuroticism.

“Stop ganging up on me!” Nate quoted jokingly.

“Put the pout away buddy, there’s no need to bring Tommy Wiseau into this.” Wendy joked “Come on we're just teasing. Seriously dude you didn't fail.”

“I bs'd half the answers.”

“So?! I bs'd all of the answers on mine and I'm pretty sure I passed.” Jason said in between bites of his dessert.

“Yeah, this is college. The more you bullshit the more likely you are to pass.” Peter knew this from experience since his grades had greatly improved since he realized this.

“I guess.” Nate said halfheartedly.

“Peter's right.” Wendy said “the more you bullshit the better you'll be. And if it makes you feel any better, I'm pretty sure you studied more and bs'd less than the rest of us.”

“Well...except Harper.” Lip pointed out.

“Ah yes, Harper.” “Wouldn't it be great if she stopped texting our parents and interacted with us?” Wendy teased.

“Wait is that really who you’re talking to?” Lip asked “You two are way too attached to your parents.”

“Says the stereotypical jewish mama’s boy.” Said Harper rolling her eyes.

“She speaks!” Peter said “Who knew all she needed to talk was a reason to make fun of Lip.”

“He just makes it so easy. How can I resist?”

“You guys are mean.” Lip said with a fake pout.

“Hey how does it feel to be ganged up on?!” Nate smirked “Now you know what I go through.”

“Yeah but you deserve it. I don’t.”

“Okay shut up you two, we have more important things to discuss than how stupid Lip is and how Nate most definitely failed his final.” Wendy said.

“Ugh come on Wendy! We are not spending another 20 minutes talking about Pink’s lyrics!” Jason whined.

Peter silently agreed. They had spent more time than necessary on that topic and he was not keen to repeat it. Especially not when he was still being tempted by his leftover apple pie.

“I know. Unfortunately right now we need to discuss other things. Are they more important than analyzing the flaws in Just Like a Pill? No they are not. But alas we must discuss them anyways.”

“Do you want the rest of my pie?” Peter asked before she could say anything else, knowing she’d take it immediately.

And he was right. Without saying a word she slid his plate in her direction and finished the leftovers in two messy bites.

“Thank you, Peter Pan.” she said before gulping down the rest of her wine. “Okay, first order of business: winter break team leader Phillip Levinstein, how go the preparations?”

“My dad sent me the keys to the penthouse in the mail. I got them yesterday, so that’s all set. I bought us tickets to this dinner/dance cruise and I rented us a yacht because why the fuck not? Also we’re going parasailing.”

“Damn! Winter break team leader Phillip Levinstein, you’re killing it!”

“Thank you winter break secretary Wendy Gilmore.”

“So we’re officially the dorkiest group of people on the planet.” Nate said fondly.

“Astute observation, winter break analyst Nathan Cohen...Fine, I’ll stop.” Wendy said after Harper rolled her eyes at her and signaled for the check. “Anyways, moving on to the second order of business, What time are we leaving tomorrow?”

“If we leave at 6 we’ll probably be there by noon and we’ll beat traffic…” Peter said hesitantly, knowing very well the reaction he’d receive from his friends.

“Peter shut up no one wants your opinion.” Jason groaned “Or yours!” He said pointing at Harper. “You morning people have no right to tell the rest of us to get up so fucking early.”

“Agreed!”

“Lip! You’re supposed to be on my side.”

“Sorry babe, but fuck no! I’m not getting up that early.”

“I say we leave at 10.” Wendy chimed in. “We’ll get there by 6 which will be early enough to go to the beach for a while.”

“We could probably get away with doing a bonfire.” Lip said in agreement.

“Fine.” Harper sighed while she grabbed the check from the waitress. “Anyways, third order of business-”

“Excuse you!” Wendy said in mock offense “I’m the one in charge of the business orders mam and I do not appreciate your-”

“Shut up.” Harper interrupted and once again rolled her eyes at her sister.

When he first met them, Peter had assumed they didn’t get along. They had such a sarcastic relationship that any outside observer would assume they hated each other. In reality though, they were thick as thieves.

“Dad says that he is so proud of all of us for getting through finals and he told us to put our dinner on The Card.” Harper finally said with a knowing smile.

The Card had earned its capitalization.

There were actually two credit cards and they’d been given to Harper and Wendy for “emergencies” but more often than not their parents would text them whenever they got a really good grade or had some big accomplishment and they’d tell them to go do something fun and “put it on the card.” It was sweet how eager they were to spoil their kids and truly shocking how not spoiled they both were.

“Fuck yeah, The Card strikes again!” Jason joked.

“Please, one of you tell your dads we say thank you.” Peter said as he always did.

Honestly he was quite grateful for it, though it did make something deep inside him ache a little. Or more than a little. He couldn’t help but think about his parents every time.

Every time any of his friends talked to their parents. Every time any of them even talked about their parents. When they offered up their money and support and advice.

They all had these wonderfully close relationships with their parents. Like how Peter and his mom used to be. Like how his dad was with his other kids.

He hated to admit it but he was jealous. Of both his friends and his siblings.

“Hey.” Wendy leaned in to whisper. “Are you okay? You got kinda down.” And this was why she had become his best friend. She was loud and crass and incredibly sarcastic but no one cared more about the people they loved than Wendy did. She always knew when they needed her and she was always there.

“I’m okay, I promise. I just got a little nostalgic but what’s new.” He said with a weak chuckle. “Nothing to worry about though.”

“If you say so.” she said with a smile before turning to her sister to help calculate the tip. He knew she wasn’t convinced and he knew she wasn’t done with the subject but at least she knew to drop it while they were in public.

After dinner they dropped Harper and Nate off at their dorms and quickly made their way to Wilde house to pack for their trip.

Lip, Nate and Harper had packed already but as usual Peter and his roommates had left it to the last minute. It was more out of arrogance than laziness though. All three were fairly fast at packing. You don’t go to a boarding school for 7 years and not get good at packing, though he wasn’t sure where Wendy and Jason acquired the skill.

“Done!” Peter heard Wendy yell from across the hall. “I win.” She said walking into their room.

“Well technically, I win.” Lip said “I was done 2 days ago.”

“Shut up Lip, no one cares.” she said, not even bothering to look at him as she flipped him off. “Are you two almost done?”

“I’m just grabbing underwear and then I’m done.” Peter said.

“I’ll be done soon. Do you think I’ll need all my swim trunks?"

“Bring them just in case. Peter can you help me with something over here when you’re done?” She asked pointing towards her room.

“Sure. I’ll be right there.” He knew what she wanted. He had already known she’d bring the subject up again. He finished zipping up his bag and threw it next to his bed before making his way across the hall.

“Alright, tell me what’s bothering you.” Wendy demanded without any preamble.

Peter sighed and sat next to her on her bed. He didn’t really want to talk about this but he knew she’d never leave him alone until she knew he was okay.

“Nothing. I was a little upset earlier but I’m fine now. I promise.”

“What upset you?”

He probably wouldn’t have answered if she didn’t look so fucking earnest about wanting to know.

“You know something Wendy you’re very privileged.” he spat out. “I know it’s crazy to say that something so simple as having your parents love you and be proud of you is a privilege but for me it is.”

“It’s not crazy. I know not everyone has what Harper and I have.” she said while gently grabbing one of his hands. “I’m sorry that you don’t. You deserve it more than anyone I know.”

“Thanks. Honestly though, I’m okay. I’ve more or less made my peace with it. I just get a little sad when I see how much your parents love you. Or jealous, I guess. Or both.” He said with a shrug.

For a while Wendy didn’t respond. She just laid her head on his shoulder and strengthened her hold on his hand.

“You know what Pete? Fuck ‘em.” she eventually said. Slowly and quietly. Then she raised her head to look him right in the eyes and repeated, louder than before “Fuck. Them. You’re a great person. Fucking talented and brilliant and you have the biggest fucking heart. You deserve better but they don’t deserve you. At least not yet. One day they’ll realize their mistake.”

“Thanks Wendy” He said, giving her a weak smile.

“Look, I know it’s not the same, I know it’s nowhere near the same but I love you. And my dads and my sister love you. I know we can’t be your real family but I hope you know we’d like to be the next best thing.”

“I know. Thank you.” He smiled before adding “Hey Wendy, if I ask you something will you please promise to answer honestly?”

“Of course.”

“How done are you with all this mushy sentimentality?” He laughed “Because I know you and I assume you’re slowly dying.”

She let out her usual boisterous laugh and immediately released his hand.

“Honestly, I was about to go slit my wrists. I’m surprised your therapist hasn’t done it yet. I mean how depressing can you get? ” She got up from her bed and started walking towards the door “Like boo fucking hoo, cry me a river why don’t you?” She said in her usual sardonic way.

She went to open the door but before she did she turned to him and he saw that look on her face. The look she usually got when she was about to make a particularly stupid joke. “Hey Peter? If you were a dwarf do you know what your name would be?” she paused for effect before screaming out “Weepy!” in between giggles and with that walked out the door.

“Oh God, I crack myself up.” He heard her say from the hallway.

Peter chuckled to himself. She was insane, bordering on psychotic sometimes but boy was he glad to have her around. He’d spend his life in his head if it wasn’t for her. Always brooding on the past. It was good to have someone who would both listen to him and distract him.

But still...

He walked across the hall, into his room and found the three of them lying in bed.

Wendy and Jason in Jason’s bed. She was talking animatedly but he looked half asleep and was barely paying attention. And Lip lay in Peter’s bed, only slightly more awake than Jason but not by much.

“Look!” Wendy said to him when we walked in. “These two idiots were falling asleep on us.”

“It might be the food coma” Peter half whispered. He stood there unsure for a while before asking what he came in to ask.

“Wendy, do you mind if I hijack your room for a little while?” he was hoping she wouldn’t disapprove of what he had to say. “I want to call her. You were right but I still want to keep trying. At least with her.”

“That’s okay.” She said, smiling kindly at him. “Let me know if you need me.”

“I will, thanks.”

“Good luck.” she called out as he walked back out of the room.

It took him a while to get up the courage to do it but eventually he found himself on Wendy’s bed, pressing the call button. He felt like a child sitting there with his knees drawn up to his face and his fingers crossed, but this was important. And he was nervous.

He knew nothing would be different this time and he’d be left disappointed but he prayed to be wrong. Maybe this time would be different. Maybe.

“Peter?” he heard from the other side of the line “Is something wrong?”

“No mom. Everything’s fine, I just…” He took a deep breath before continuing “I just wanted to say hi.”

“Oh!” She actually sounded surprised and he thought, not for the first time that maybe it wasn’t just her. Maybe this rift between them was on him as well. He didn’t call enough. He barely went home anymore. Maybe if he tried harder things would be like they were.

“So...hi.” He said lamely, wishing he could find the right things to say to make them okay again.

“Hi honey.” She sounded happy to hear from him he thought. Or maybe that was wishful thinking.

The line was quiet for a while, both waiting for the other one to say something.

“So…um...”

“How were your finals?” Claire finally asked.

“Good! I think.Yeah, good. I had my last one today actually.”

“That’s nice honey. I’m glad you’re doing well.”

She sounded so genuine that Peter’s brain must have short circuited because he found himself asking a question he’d only asked two or three times since starting at Berkeley. “Would it be okay if I came home?” he asked “For the holidays, I mean?” He really had no idea what possessed him to ask that. He already had plans and besides, he already knew her answer.

“What? Honey if you were going to come home you should have told me ahead of time.” she sighed “I’m going to be driving up to Maine with Nana. We’re having Christmas at Anne’s house and…” there was a pause here. She was trying to find a delicate way to say it. “you know how protective Anne and Hugh are about their kids, Peter.”

“That’s okay mom.” He said. “Don’t worry about it.”

She sighed once again. “Sweetheart, you can come home if you need to but I’m sorry that I won’t be here.”

“No that’s fine don’t worry about it. I’m fine here. I just wanted to see you but you’re right I should have let you know beforehand.” He felt dejected but she was right. It was dumb to assume she wouldn’t have other plans. Though it was dumber that he couldn't go to his aunt's house anymore…

“I’m sorry Peter.” she said, and she did sound it.

“Maybe...I can come home for Spring Break?” He hated how desperate he sounded but he didn’t want to just give up.

She was quiet for some time before giving a heavy sigh for the third time in this conversation. “Your dad is taking Sarah and his other kids to LA for spring break and Sarah insisted I go with them.”

“Is Julie okay with that?” he asked, knowing how rude his stepmother could be.

“Of course. I wouldn’t be going if she disagreed. Besides it’s for Sarah’s sake.” She said calmly. No trace of her usual venom when she spoke of his dad’s wife. “You know how much Julie loves your sister.”

And he did. He was just surprised Claire would so placidly admit it.

His dad and Julie had formed a happy little family once he and his mom divorced. Her son, his daughter and their three new kids. A perfect nuclear circle that never held any space for Peter or his mom.

Except now it seemed she had found a place with them. They seemed to finally have peace. Maybe he'd been the problem all along.

“I’m just a few hours from Los Angeles,” he tried again “maybe I could meet you guys?”

“Peter, you know your father’s stance on all this.” she said and he could tell she was starting to get annoyed.

“But-”

“Peter! Walter has made himself very clear on this subject. Now I know you want to see him honey but sometimes you need to respect other people’s wishes and he wishes to have some space from your...situation.”

“Are you talking about him or you, mom?” He asked bitterly.

“Peter why would you call if you just wanted to pick a fight?”

He stood up from Wendy’s bed hoping walking might calm him down. He was on the verge of tears but he couldn’t give up just yet.

“I’m sorry. I don’t want to pick a fight with you. I just miss you.” he said, his voice breaking “I just wanted to see you.”

“I miss you too Peter. I hope you know that.” She whispered. Her voice sounded raw and strained. He realized she was crying and the last bit of him that was holding off tears of his own, gave in. He sat back down as hot tears streamed down his cheeks. But maybe this meant something. She was crying too. Maybe they had made some sort of breakthrough.

“Maybe,” he began hesitantly “I can come home for the summer?”

She stayed silent for a minute before he heard her sigh once more. “Yes Peter. Maybe.” He had never heard her sound so cold and distant before.

If he had thought they’d made a breakthrough he was wrong. And stupid for ever hoping.

“Mom?” he ventured to ask, knowing the answer would break his heart. “Do you need space from me?”

Her only response was “I’m sorry, Peter.” before the line went quiet once more.

“Okay.” He said through his tears, as he tried not to sob into the phone. “I’ll respect your wishes. Just let me know when you’re ready. Okay?”

“Goodnight, Peter” She sounded exhausted. He wasn’t sure if it was from talking to him or because it was late.

“Bye, mom.”

He wiped his tears on his pajama sleeves after hanging up the phone and tried to calm himself down before he went back to his room. He knew Wendy would still be awake and he didn’t want her to see him like this. He didn’t think he could talk about this anymore tonight.

After a few minutes he stood up and silently made his way back to his room. Where he found Wendy sitting up, waiting for him.

“That bad, huh?” she asked after seeing his face.

“My dad still wants nothing to do with me and she told me she needed space from my ‘situation’ and that I needed to respect her wishes. Oh and my aunt and uncle still think I’m a pedophile.” He told her with a bitter chuckle.

Wendy opened her mouth to say something but stopped herself, sensing nothing she said would make him feel any better. She instead opted for hugging him and hoping he understood everything she was trying to say.

“It’s okay. I’m actually better than I thought I’d be. I’m mostly just tired. Emotionally drained I think.” He let go of her and gave her a quick smile. “I just want to get some sleep.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes. Thank you though. You should go to sleep too.”

“Okay. Is it okay if we sleep here?” she asked “Jason’s already sleeping. I don’t want to wake him up.”

“Of course. It’s his room too.” he said and gave her another hug.

“Goodnight.” she said after pulling away. She walked over to the door and turned off the light before getting back in bed.

“Goodnight, Wendy.” he said from his bed.

“Goodnight, Peter Pan.”

He smiled fondly, grateful once more for her presence in his life. Hers and of course Lip’s who, unconscious as he was still wrapped his strong arms around Peter the moment he lay in bed. But nothing could assuage the storm inside him.

He kept replaying the phone call in his head and he felt sick.

He felt sick and tired and his head was throbbing, but through it all he saw Wendy’s big, earnest eyes in his head and he only had one thought: Fuck them.

Chapter Text

Fidelity

“And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds”

“Alright, see you tomorrow.” Nadia said before hanging up on Ivy and pulling into the visitor’s parking lot. She immediately grabbed her phone again and dialled her brother so he could come pick her up. She could easily meet him at his dorm instead of waiting for him to pick her up at her car but this was the opportunity she had been waiting for. It was nerve wracking, but she knew she had to have this conversation with him eventually and right now seemed like the best time for it.
If Nadia was being honest, she mostly just didn’t want Derek around when they talked. He’d manage to fuck things up, for sure.
“I’m so sorry Nadia!” Jason said when he picked up. “I’m not at school yet. The meeting just ended but I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
“That’s fine. I’ll get Derek to let me in.”
“Okay good. Sorry Nadia.”
“Jason, it’s not that big of a deal. You’re meeting is more important than you opening a fucking door for me. Your roommate can let me in, who cares?” Nadia said rolling her eyes.
“Fine. See you in a little while.” He said with a chuckle.
“See you here dumbass.”
She texted Derek as soon as she hung up, before grabbing her bag and walking to their dorm.
At this point she was an expert at finding her way around Notre Dame so she found the building with no problem but she’d be lying if she said the walk didn’t kill her.
These long walks around her own college campus had provided her with an excuse to get in shape but she hadn’t taken it. Exercise sucked and food was great. Simple as that.
But moments like these she did question whether she had made the best choice. This was one long fucking walk.
By the time she got to the building she was panting and sweating and embarrassed as fuck. The last thing she wanted right now was to see Derek. Not while she was looking like gross, sweaty mess, still here he was. Looking fucking perfect. Like always.
“Wow Nadine, did you walk here from D.C.? You’re sweating bullets.” he said while grabbing her bag from her hand.
“Fuck off.” Nadia said her face turning red. Whether this was from embarrassment or anger, neither of them really knew.
Nadia figured she was maybe just angry that he managed to embarrass her. Why should she give a fuck what he thinks? If he had a problem with how she looked he could fuck off to someone else. See if she cared.
“Hey, I only meant it as joke. I’m sorry I upset you, Nadine.”
“My name is Nadia Jackass and you didn’t ‘upset me.’ I don't give a fuck what you think.”
“Not even if I think you’re beautiful.” Derek tried, with a tentative smile.
Something between a sigh and a groan made its way out of her mouth before she yanked her bag out of his hand and started towards the door. She stood there with her arms crossed, looking anywhere but at Derek.
“I thought you came here to open the door not to be an ass.” she said still not looking at him.
“Right.”

They walked up the stairs in silence. Nadia stomped away, ahead of Derek, while he tried to keep it together. Once inside she sat on Jason’s bed and while pretending to look through her phone, coldly said “Thanks for opening the door.”
“Come on Nadia! How the hell did I manage to fuck up already?” Derek asked, sitting across from her on his bed.
“Yeah, how did you?” She said, still refusing to look up from her phone.
“Everything was fine over the phone. You never cared what I joked about-”
“I care now.” Nada said with a shrug of her shoulders.
“Why?”
“I don’t know.” She said, finally looking at him.
They sat in silence for a few minutes until Derek decided to be brave. “Do you know why I did it over the phone?” he asked nervously.
“Cause I go to school in D.C.” was the sarcastic response.
Derek sighed in frustration. “No. I could have waited till you came here but I was nervous.” he said, trying to ignore her sarcasm.
“Yeah I know. Big, fat, angry Nadia is so intimidating to talk to. She’s such a bitch that everyone around her-”
“I’m in love with you.” Derek interrupted. He took advantage of her shocked silence to say everything he had to say. “I was nervous because I’m in love with you. I know we just started this but I also know that I want you to be my wife. I’ve been sure for a year now and it took me 8 months to get enough courage to ask you out because it was terrifying and really fucking important. I do think you’re beautiful and I’m sorry I upset you. I didn’t mean to make-”
“Please shut up.” Nadia stood up before quickly realizing she didn't want to be standing up right now. It was too much effort. “I don’t wanna talk about this anymore.” she said and went back to pretending to look through her phone. Her face, void of any expression.
“Okay.” Derek whispered.
Her eyes briefly flit towards him. If they hadn’t, she wouldn’t have realized how heartbroken he actually seemed to be.
Once when they were talking about Matt, Ivy told Nadia that sometimes girls forget that men had feelings too. They’re not used to seeing them so they forget they’re even there. It was probably worse for Nadia. Nadia sometimes forgot everyone had feelings. She felt so much anger and resentment sometimes, that the thought that she could be hurting someone’s feelings failed to cross her mind. She had been trying to work on that but…
“I still haven’t found my passport.” Derek said with a forced smile. “I was looking for it earlier but Danny, that little bitch, he stole my camera because he was trying to impress some art major who’s obsessed with your brother. I had to go confiscate that from him before he broke it. You know how Danny gets when he’s making an ass out of himself.” He kept babbling while looking around the room. He was almost shaking with the effort of trying to remain casual and unaffected.
“You don’t need a passport for domestic flights.” Nadia offered. But he wasn’t paying attention. She wanted to say something more but nothing would come out. She was frustrated with herself.

She was as emotionally constipated as the rest of her family. That was the whole problem. This was the McConnell way. Cold and distant. Never show any emotion. That is until you can’t keep it in any longer and you have to lash out. Her and her father, lashed out in anger, lashed out at others. And her mother and brother lashed out against themselves. They self destructed. As a result, all four were miserable.
“I was looking at the website and it definitely takes higher resolution videos but the control system is more complex. I could probably-”
“Derek please shut up about the drone!” He had been brave so maybe it was her turn to be brave too. Bare her soul or whatever.
“Right. Sorry.”
“Fuck. No I’m sorry.” she said. “I was kinda shocked. You caught me off guard but I…”
She got up but then just stood there, unsure of her next move.
A text from Jason saying he was on his way sprung her into action.
“You’re really attractive Derek. Like really fucking attractive. You’re athletic and charming and girls are all over you. Hot girls. I just don’t get why me? You ignore the hot girls and you’re in love with me. What the fuck?”
“You are a hot girl.”
“Derek be fucking serious. Tell me why?”
“You are a hot girl.” He repeated, slower this time. He shrugged before elaborating “I’m in love with you. I think you’re beautiful, I think you’re hot. You are beautiful.”
She felt a lump in her throat and remembered why she never had these serious conversations. “Agree to disagree?” Nadia said, embarrassed by how much this meant to her.
“Nadia...earlier, I was joking and I just meant that you looked tired, I wasn’t trying to make you feel bad about you weight. I don’t care about your weight. I really don’t.”
“I know what you meant. And I don’t care about my weight either, except when I do. Which is often. So I guess that means that I do care. And sometimes I blow shit out of proportion. Sorry.”
“So we’re okay?”
She nodded. “This probably won’t be the last time though. Ivy says I get aggressive and irrational when I’m insecure so…” she trailed off with a guilty smile.
“That’s fine.” Derek grinned. Relieved he hadn't managed to fuck it all up already. “So, can I kiss you now? Cause I've been waiting for this since we started dating.”
Nadia slowly nodded and nervously tilted her head up.
It was the best kiss she’d ever had. He wrapped one of his arms around her waist and pulled her towards him. He didn’t kiss her awkwardly like every other guy did. Like they wanted to kiss her “pretty face” but wanted their hands nowhere near her body. Like they wanted to forget what the rest of her looked like.
He kissed her with the certainty of a man who had been wanting to do this all year. His other hand tangled in her hair and his body pressed against hers. She was still winded and sweaty but she didn’t feel like an ugly, sweaty mess anymore. At least not right now. Later on she’d go back to feeling like the fat, sweaty, beached whale she always considered herself to be but this was a reprieve.
She pulled away suddenly but couldn’t keep herself from smiling when she saw his confusion. “So Jason’s on his way.”
“Oh.”
“I promise I’ll tell him about us before we leave but I want to do it in private. You know? Just me and him.”
“You think he’ll be pissed off about it?”
“I don't know.” Nadia smiled awkwardly and pulled away. “I don’t think so but I also don’t wanna upset him. It’s not about you though.” she quickly added after seeing his face. “Don’t get mad at him.”
“How is it not about me? I’m his friend but you think my dating you is gonna upset him?”
“I think deep down it was comforting to him that my love life was as much of a mess as his. Not in a selfish way just comforting.”
“What?” Derek laughed. “His love life is definitely not a mess.”
He turned away, visibly uncomfortable. His shoulders were tense and Nadia could tell he was about to start rambling again if she didn’t say something soon.
“I know that you, like everyone else want to pretend otherwise but I know you know. My brother is...different. Nothing he does is going to change that. No matter how much he and the rest of you choose to ignore the fact.”
“I don’t think we should talk about this. This is his personal business.”
“Okay, fair enough. I just...that’s why I’m nervous to tell him. I do think he’ll be happy for us though.” she offered him a small smile before saying. “You do know you don't need a passport for domestic flights right?”
“Yeah, I vaguely heard you say that earlier.” He said with a chuckle.
“How have you lived this long not knowing that information, dumbass?” she teased.
“You know what? Your brother didn’t know it either when I talked to him.”
“So? He’s a dumbass too. That’s why you get along.”
They both jumped when they heard the keys outside the door. When the door finally opened and Jason walked in they were already on opposite sides of the room. Derek was sitting in his desk chair pretending to use his computer and Nadia had gone back to sitting on Jason’s bed and staring at her phone.
“If you even think about apologizing again I’m gonna punch you.” she said after seeing his apologetic face.
Jason’s face relaxed and he instead broke into a smile. “Hey Nadia.” He said pulling her into a hug.
“Hey dickface. How you doing?” she asked pulling away.
“Good. How was your drive?”
“Not terrible. Could have been worse.”
“Sup dude.” Derek said from his desk. He didn’t look in their direction though, still pretending to be very preoccupied by his computer.
“Thanks for letting Nadia in.”
“Sure. Hey, so your sister told me I don’t need a passport for domestic flights so you know...thanks for being stupid man.”
Jason chuckled before walking over to his bed. “Way to ruin my fucking prank, Nadia.” He reached into his mattress and pulled out Derek’s passport.
“Dude what the fuck?! You’re an asshole!”
“Consider it payback for that bubble wrap prank, you dick.”
He tossed the passport on Derek’s bed, still laughing.
“Fair enough. I deserved that.” Derek stood up and held his hand out to Jason. “Truce?”
“Fine.” Jason said while shaking Derek’s hand. “We both know it’s bullshit but sure truce...for now.”
They both started laughing again, earning an exasperated eye roll from Nadia, who was sitting by Jason’s desk being ignored.
“Hey if you two idiots want me to wait outside while you bromance it up, you just let me know. ”
“When are we heading over to the party?” Jason asked awkwardly, in an attempt to change the subject.
‘Fuck!’ Nadia thought, kicking herself for her stupidity. She should know better than to joke about Jason like that. Especially about his roommate.
“We can go whenever.” Derek said. His face was just as uncomfortable as Jason’s.
“Cool.”
Nadia couldn’t believe her luck. She’d been there less than half an hour and she had already created two incredibly awkward situations. And she still had to tell Jason she was dating his roommate. Awesome.

“Let’s just fucking go now.” she said.

She hoped this would put an end to the awkwardness and it seemed to work. As soon as she said it they both mobilized and the three of them headed out.

Chapter Text

Mad World

“The dreams in which I’m dying

are the best I’ve ever had.”

That morning, Jason was woken up by the incessant buzzing of his phone coming from somewhere in the room. His stomach was doing flips and the ringing in his ears was steadily making the throbbing in his head worse. He tried several times to sit up but everytime he so much as moved, the room would start spinning. He couldn't even open his eyes without wanting to throw up. By the time he managed to get upright the phone had stopped ringing.

He wasn’t in his room, he realized belatedly as he looked around for his phone, which had once again started to ring.

“Answer your phone Jase....my head.”

Right. He was in Lucy’s room.

By the sound of it, Lucy was equally hungover. For both of their sakes, Jason jumped out of bed but the phone had already stopped ringing by the time he found it; underneath the pile of crumpled clothing he and Lucy had seemingly tossed on the floor the previous night.

He typed out a quick message to Nadia, hoping she wouldn’t call again until later. He was hungover, starving and naked, this was not the time for what was surely a nagging phone call.

He sluggishly picked his clothes up and started getting dressed, doing his best to ignore the pounding in his head with every movement he made.

“Lucy, It’s already 7. We should get up before Nadia starts freaking out.”

“Crap...Okay…” Was her reluctant response. Lucy wasn’t known for her punctuality so Jason was beginning to worry he’d have to put in some effort to get her up, but before he could make up his mind she was already sitting up.

He was relieved. Their polar opposite views on punctuality was the main source of their arguments and Jason was not in the mood for a fight. Especially not when they were about to spend 5 hours on a plane.

By the time they were dressed it was already past 7:30 and Nadia had called once more. They agreed she’d bring his suitcase to the airport since they were already “behind schedule.”

The plan had been to wake up early, grab his stuff and go get breakfast but here they were almost 8 in the morning and they hadn’t even left campus. It had been extremely irresponsible to get as drunk as he had the night before but these days Jason almost preferred to be drunk. Everything was easier that way. Still, he should have been more time conscious. By the time they were finally heading to the airport it was already 8:30. A full hour behind schedule.

At the airport, they only just managed to make it on the plane on time. Ivy, who had been waiting for them for close to an hour had almost gone ahead without them. But at least they all made it.

It didn’t take long until (as usual) everyone but the twins fell asleep.

Their parents had, from an early age stressed the importance of staying in control in all situations. The less you slept in public the better. Their point had been one of composure and dignity, but they had driven that point home with such fervor that now both Jason and Nadia were terrified of falling asleep even during a long flight.

Because of this, they had sat next to each other but now Jason felt it had been a terrible idea to do so. The uncomfortable silence between them was almost too much to deal with. Neither had settled in, opting instead for awkwardly staring ahead and occasionally looking out the window. He knew she wanted to say something about their argument the night before and he knew he should probably say something as well but still, the silence remained. Until finally…

“Jason…” Nadia started hesitantly. “Look...last night I…” She sighed not even knowing what to say. Jason could be so volatile sometimes and she didn’t know how to make sure her point got across without pissing him off.

“Derek and I…”

It was Jason’s turn to sigh. “Nadia I don’t give a fuck about you and Derek. I mean I’m glad you’re happy, and if he hurts you, I’ll make sure to kick his ass but it’s none of my business who you date. Do you really think our fight was because you’re dating Derek?”

“Well fuck Jason, I don’t know-”

“Lower your voice Nadia. Please…”

“ Sorry! ” She whispered “I just...You’re mad that I mentioned him. Right?”

“Nadia...I need you to start minding your own business.”

She saw how his shoulders sunk in and his head was lowered. His face was already starting to form splotchy red mark around his cheeks. She could tell he was on the verge of tears. How could she mind her own business when simply alluding to this was enough for him to cry?

Jason didn’t cry. That was another thing their father had scared into him since childhood.

“Men don’t cry Jason. Real men don’t cry.”

But here he was. About to cry on a plane, next to his friends and his girlfriend because she’d alluded to their conversation last night. And she was supposed to ‘mind her own business’

“You are my business.” She tried, knowing it wouldn’t be enough for him.

“Sure but the decisions I make about my life are not. I get that you-”

“What if you kill yourself?” She interrupted. “What if you try again and finally succeed? Is that not my business Jason?”

“Lower your voice.” He said harshly.

A heavy silence fell between them. Jason knew he was about to make his sister cry which was not common for Nadia. For either of them. McConnell’s don’t cry. At least not in front of anyone but God.

It’s not like Nadia was any more comfortable with emotions than he was. She had not been ready for the feelings this conversation was eliciting. She couldn’t remember when their life had become so fucking complicated.

“I’m sorry for making your life this complicated Nadia.” He said as if reading her mind. “I’m not going to kill myself.”

“Yeah you are...but you’re right. I should mind my own business...I need to let you go.”

Her voice was hollow but her eyes betrayed the emotions she felt.

Jason wasn’t sure what to say so once again, silence descended. He took her hand in his but his eyes were glued to the window and out at the sky.  

“Please let me in, Jason.” Nadia said distracting him from his thoughts. “I’m sorry I keep bringing this stuff up but...I just think you need to talk about it. Everytime I see you, you look further and further gone and it scares me.”

She waited for him to say something but he didn’t. She tried one last time. “I promise I won’t judge and I won’t tell you what to do. You’re right that your life is your business. I shouldn't be telling you what to do. If you talk to me, I’ll just listen…”

Jason’s hands were shaking. He looked around to make sure everyone else was asleep. “I can’t, Nadia.” He whispered.  “There are things I only ever tell Bill and maybe sometimes I do want to talk to someone else but I really can’t.”

Nadia only nodded too, afraid to say anything. She squeezed his hand lightly, hoping it would encourage him but he remained silent.

“Try...please.” she said after a while. “For me. I would have more peace of mind if I at least knew what was going on or what you’re thinking.”

“Not now.” He whispered. He looked so nervous that Nadia felt sorry for pushing him. “When we’re alone…if one of them is awake...you know? I don’t want anyone else hearing…is that okay?”

“Of course!” She said with what she hoped looked like an encouraging smile and not a manic twitch.

They fell into another uneasy silence, but by this point neither of them had the energy to break it. Neither of them was able to relax and settle in, instead they sat there lost in their own thoughts.

Nadia was at her wits end. Every day she wakes up and wonders if this is the day he’ll kill himself. Every time the phone rings, a chill runs down her spine. She breathes easily for a second when she picks up the phone and it’s not that . But only for a second. Then she remembers that it’s only a matter of time. For the past few years this has been every day of her life. She can’t bring herself to be mad at him though. Whatever she was feeling clearly didn’t compare. At least she still wanted to live.

She looked around at their sleeping friends and sighed. Boy was she jealous of them. How she wished that she could fucking sleep. But that’s how she’d started feeling every time she was around her brother.

She pulled out her book and pretended to read.

Jason on the other hand went back to looking out at the sky.

He imagined what it would feel like to fall. They were so high up it would probably feel like flying. At first. But then...

It would be over quickly though. By the time he got to the ground it would be over in a second.

Then what?

Could he finally be at peace? Maybe he’d end up in hell anyways. After all, suicide was also a sin. Or maybe there was nothing.

Nothing was still better than this.

He imagined what it would be like to fall and become nothing.  

Nothing has no responsibilities. Nothing doesn’t feel shame or lust or fear.

Nothing doesn't dream…

He’d dreamt about him last night. Nadia had mentioned him at the party, she’d said his name and so he’d dreamt of him. Maybe that wasn’t the reason though. After all, he had dreams about him frequently. But this one was different.

Whenever Jason dreamt of him, he dreamt in fragments.

Sometimes it was just a scent. A familiar mix of coffee and cinnamon that Jason could never forget.

Sometimes his voice. The hushed and insistent “I love you” that would fall from his lips like a prayer.

Sometimes he saw him, but blurry and colorless as though his mind couldn’t conjure up the whole image.

But last night he’d had it all.

They walked naked through the field where they’d shared their first kiss all those years ago. They were Adam and Eve. God had made them for one another and had made the world for them.

He could finally see him. All of him. Every color, every freckle, every detail of him was finally in focus.

As they walked along the path, he named every animal they came across, as Adam had done but when he finished, he turned to Jason.

He’d been smiling but now his face was pleading. “Name me.” he begged. “Name me.”

He couldn’t remember how the dream ended. Only that he’d failed. He’d been incapable of saying his name. He hadn’t been able to say his name in years. Not even in his dreams.

Once they were off the plane and everyone was awake and energized, Jason was finding it hard to hide his foul mood. The California sun was beaming down on them in full swing and everyone was chattering incessantly. Everyone but Jason.

Derek and Ivy had succeeded in distracting Nadia, who was now busy rambling about how late they all were today. She looked relieved to not be talking to Jason.

He didn’t blame her.

The cab ride to the penthouse was 40 minutes long and Jason spent the whole ride forcing himself to join in on the conversation between Lucy and Danny. The other 4 were in a different cab so Jason was glad to have less people analyzing him.

He didn't even know why he was so upset. Sure the dream threw him off but who cares? This isn’t the first time he’d dreamt about him and he doubted it would be the last. Still, he couldn’t shake the strange feeling the dream had generated.

“...you probably need one too right?”

“Wait what do I need?” Jason asked realizing he’d zoned out at some point during the conversation.

“I was saying we should find a bar when we get there because I need a drink and you probably do too.” Lucy repeated.

He could tell she was trying to seem nonchalant but they all knew what was going on. Jason needed to be drinking most of the time. Otherwise he got moody and distant like he was right now.

It wasn’t alcoholism, at least he didn’t think it was, it was just easier to be a little drunk. It made it easier to forget and pretend but he hated that everyone knew that.

“We can find one if you want to but I don’t really want to drink right now.” He said trying to save face as much as he could. “I’m kinda tired actually. Nadia and I don’t really sleep on planes remember, so I’m just tired.” Hopefully that explanation helped.

The truth is he was dying for a drink but he didn’t want Lucy to feel he needed to be drunk to be with her...even if that was a little true.

“Oh I’m sorry baby!” She said visibly relieved. “I’ll let you take a nap when we get there!” She leaned over to kiss him and he did his best to enjoy it.

He kissed her again knowing well how his role needed to be played. He was the handsome and dutiful boyfriend who passionately loved and desired his beautiful girlfriend. It didn’t matter that they all knew it wasn’t true. All that mattered was the role.

“You two are gross.” Danny said with a laugh. “Stop making out in front of me before I start throwing up.”

They all laughed. That fake and empty camaraderie that usually followed Jason’s performances.

The insidious reminder that so long as he continued playing this role, he was loved.

“We should definitely go to the beach tonight.” Jason said, changing the subject. “Lucas and Tanya are getting here tonight so he’ll find a good spot to get high on the beach.” Jason forced another laugh, trying to act as normal as possible, even though his mind was still troubled. His deflection seemed to work though as they both got distracted talking about Lucas and the beach for the rest of the cab ride.

By the time they got to the penthouse it was just 1 in the afternoon but Jason was already as tired as he had pretended to be. Or at least he thought he’d been pretending but now he remembered how much he’d drank the night before and how badly he had slept. No wonder he was in a bad mood.

Luckily, no one made a fuss about him wanting to stay in. He made up some bullshit about a migraine and everyone was happy to let him sleep.

He was asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow. He slept a deep and peaceful sleep but, hours later when he awoke he felt the sensation of having dreamt of him. If his hard on was anything to go by he definitely had.

It's not all Jason’s dreams about him were sexual, it's that all his sexual dreams were about him…

He willed himself to not touch himself, knowing the great sin he’d be committing by indulging those thoughts of him. If he stayed in bed he’d be too weak to not do it, so he immediately got up and quickly changed his clothes.

The apartment was completely empty when he went out into the living room but he had a message from Nadia telling him they were picking up food.

He sat down and turned on the television hoping it would distract his mind, but everything brought him back to his penis. He couldn’t shake the feeling and his mind was trying to remind him of his dreams.

Why did he keep having all these fucking dreams?!

They were getting more and more frequent and it was really messing with his mind. He tried to do everything right but his mind was still sick and it wouldn’t stop sabotaging him. No even now.

Frustrated with himself, he headed outside hoping to clear his head.

He walked around the garden in the condo but even that was upsetting him. It reminded him to much of the field in his other dream. Jason sighed and sat down to gather his thoughts.

A few months ago he could have sworn he had been doing better. He had really thought he was being cured but now he was worse than he’d ever been. Bill must be right because this certainly felt like an addiction or like being sick. He couldn’t get these thoughts out of his mind, his hands would shake and he seemed to have less control of his body with each passing day.

He tried to use the exercises Bill had taught him to get his mind of him but nothing was working.

He still felt like a raw, gaping wound and if he was being completely honest, he was horny. But it wasn’t something getting drunk and fucking Lucy could fix.This was much worse. He hadn’t felt this way since High School.

Jason wracked his brain but he couldn’t figure out why this setback, all of a sudden. Why was he feeling like he was still back at St. Cecilia’s, dreading every second he spent away from him and the safety of their room?   

He was starting to get scared of what he might do if he was by himself for much longer. He started making his way back to his penthouse. He was in the lobby when he noticed, and suddenly the small thread that had been slowly pulling these past few weeks, completely unraveled.

In the distance, near the elevators, amidst a cacophony of several other voices, Jason heard him. His heart was pounding. He felt he could no longer breathe. He turned the corner just as he was entering the elevator but still…

Jason saw him...Peter.