Chapter Text
Shouta was 16 years old when he realized he was attracted to men. Or, more specifically, when he realized he was attracted to a specific man. More specifically, attracted to a certain boy. A boy who was loud and blond and outgoing and literally the opposite of everything Shouta was . Yet somehow, this was the boy his dumb feelings decided to develop a crush on. He cursed them every day he went to class and got butterflies whenever Hizashi smiled at him.
He had no idea how to deal with feelings. Yes, he did feel them at times, but nothing like this before. He never understood when the kids around him started crushing on girls, or would talk about how hot girls were, or any other behavior surrounding girls that frankly disgusted him.
But then Yamada fucking Hizashi had to come around and ruin everything.
It came like a punch to the gut in the form of a smile from an overly friendly classmate for Shouta to rethink everything he had believed about romance and attraction. He felt like an idiot for not realizing sooner that, maybe the reason he didn't understand other boys attraction to girls was because he wasn’t into girls.
That lead to a lot of panicking about what that meant for him, which then turned into panicking over whether Hizashi would ever like him, which then switched to panicking over whether Hizashi even liked guys. It was a lot of panicking, and Shouta was honestly sick of it. He hated that he was now all distracted by Hizashi, that he was hyper aware of everything he said around the other boy, that his heart raced whenever they brushed up against each other. He wanted his feelings to die.
It didn’t help that Hizashi was so... physical. He would constantly be touching Shouta, whether just keeping his hand barely touching the other boy or by hugging him every moment he had the chance. Shouta was pretty sure he would implode if he was hugged by Hizashi one more time. One more time and the misery would end.
Shouta usually didn’t initiate the contact. Sure, he didn’t really mind it when it happened, but he almost never felt the need to hug Hizashi first or anything else ridiculous like that.
Apparently, drunk Shouta had different levels of physical contact he was okay with.
He learned this the hard way, when their class was staying at a hotel for a school trip and one of the boys had brought alcohol with him. Shouta wasn’t going to drink at first, but after a while he realized it looked... fun. Hizashi had accepted the drink immediately and was currently dancing clumsily to music that another boy was playing.
Shouta itched to feel as loose as Hizashi looked- just free and happy and not caring if he looked like an idiot. He did look like an idiot, by the way, but that just added to his charm. He didn’t care if he looked like an idiot. He just did ridiculous things, never caring about the consequences.
Shouta was almost jealous of him. He could just exist, not caring about what was logical or never bothering to think through his actions before he did them. Granted, Shouta didn’t want to be at that extreme, but he did wish he could be slightly more careless like Hizashi was.
It was that like of thinking that got Shouta to finally accept the drink that Hizashi offered him, thinking that he was young, he might as well have a little bit of fun. Age appropriate rebellion and what not. Whether this was an excuse to have Hizashi dance with him the way he was dancing with some of the other boys was irrelevant.
He got drunk quickly, way quicker then he had anticipated. It shouldn’t be that surprising —he hadn’t exactly gotten drunk before— but he still wasn’t expecting how fast he would get this drunk. He felt warm and giddy and he couldn’t control the laughter that kept bubbling out of him. He felt like a completely different person. It was thrilling.
He also couldn’t control his feelings like he could sober, which meant his mind betrayed him and made him get more affectionate with Hizashi then he ever had been before. He danced up against him, feeling the other boy laugh into his neck as some of the other boys gave joking wolf whistles at their antics.
After awhile of dancing, they collapsed onto the floor together, Hizashi laying with his head in Shouta’s lap. Before he was even thinking about it, he had his hands running through Hizashi’s hair. He always wanted to play with it, it looked so soft and fluffy, but he hadn’t had the courage to touch it until now. It was softer than he had ever imagined. Hizashi gave him a confused look, but Shouta just smiled down at him and continued to play with his hair.
Suddenly Shouta’s heart was racing quickly, feeling like it was going to jump out of his chest as Hizashi reaches his hand up and brushes it against his mouth. He didn’t know what he was supposed to make of this action, but he liked the feeling, so he leaned his head into the touch and mumbled, “You’re really warm.”
Hizashi paused for a moment, his mouth slightly open as if he wanted to say something. After a moment he said, “I’m warm?”
Shouta nodded slightly and smiled, saying, “Yeah, warm. You’re always... warm. I like it.”
I like you , Shouta thought, but thankfully had stopped himself from actually saying it. Apparently his drunken brain wasn’t that stupid after all.
He barely remembered the rest of the night, but he thinks he spent most of it cuddled with Hizashi. At least, he was pretty sure that was the case, considering they woke up pressed together in the same sleeping bag. He didn’t know how they even managed to fit in it together, but they somehow had managed.
His memory of the night was foggy, but he remembered enough to know he had been an overly affectionate fool. He just hoped Hizashi didn’t remember, so he wouldn’t have to come face to face with his embarrassing antics. He vowed to never get drunk around Hizashi again, he couldn’t trust his stupid feelings from saying something stupid , like “I have a crush on you” or something equally bad.
Thankfully, Hizashi never mentioned anything that had happened that night. So, either he didn’t remember the night, or he just didn’t care. Shouta wasn’t sure which option he prefered. Maybe the not caring option? He couldn’t decide.
That night just lead to Shouta’s crush getting more intense. He could still feel the way Hizashi’s hand felt against his lips, and it made him wish that he could feel his lips pressed against them instead. It was hell.
Of course he had to go and fall for the only person who went out of their way to befriend him. Fuck, as far as he knew, this “crush” could just be him mistaking platonic feelings as romantic. It’s not like he had a lot of experience with
either
feeling. He had no idea how to handle himself or his feelings. He was fucking
screwed.