Work Text:
Vacation
"Damn that Samson... if it weren't for him always intervening and pulling that accursed Dr Venture's dimpled ass out of danger... why I'd.."
"You know the therapist told you you need to stop projecting onto others. You're supposed to take a step back and analyze yourself, and your methods." Dr Girlfriend dotingly chastized The Monarch, who mumbled and slouched in the seat of the RV they'd rented for the annual Truce Picnic. A weekend each year for the head of Venture Industries and his various allies, consultants, and even sworn enemies to just take a break from the whole string of squabbling affairs. "And didn't you say you weren't going to seethe and plot this weekend? This IS supposed to be a vacation you know.." She dropped her voice and mumbled. "Not that I can remember the last time WE took one for us.."
Monarch caught the whispered undertone and sighed. "You're right.. you're right. Come on, the minions should have the badmitton set up already." He tugged her along and they exited the RV, after the usual struggle to get his wings through the door.
"I still say it wouldn't kill you to just switch to a polo shirt and some khakis for the weekend." Dr Girlfriend lectured him, garnering a slightly defeatist grumble, as he trudged back inside, emerging in a weekend outfit that had been in mothballs for long enough to offend the sensibilities of any suburbanite soccer mom.
"Happy?"
"Ecstatic. Now come on." She took his hand and pulled him along to the badmitton court, (it was their year to set up the game stuff. And for the record, Orpheus was working the grill.)
"I feel naked..."
"Hush up and later you might be."
The Monarch promptly shut up.
~*~
"Come FORTH, all ye peoples of this festival of peace! I bring to you such unspeakable delights of cut and grilled meats as to make your taste buds dance and sing! And above all else, do NOT enter yon portal!" Dr Orpheus pointed across the picnic grounds.
His daughter, who respectfully wishes not to have her name appear in such direct conjunction with him at present, half turned her head and cocked an eyebrow. "The port-a-john?"
"Yes... I had Taco Bell last night."
"Daaaaad...."
"Hey Orpheus, the burgers ready?" Brock strode up, already carrying a plate with fries and egg salad piled high. The Venture bodyguard had had his reservations when he saw on the sign-up board that Dean and Hank had made the side dishes, but after force-feeding some of it to Underbite, with no signs of death or disease a full hour later, he was satisfied.
"YES my friend! These patties of ground beef have sizzled and faintly smoked to a flame-cooked perfection!" Orpheus raised his arms, and a spatula, emphatically, causing the grill to burst higher into flame, then subside again.
Brock paused, examining the food. "So I guess they're uh... well-done."
Orpheus lowered his head somewhat sheepishly. "Err.. yes, it would seem so." He raised one on a spatula, setting it on a bun and passing it to Brock, who promptly went about seeking enough barbeque sauce and other fixings to top his fries with, enough that would make an Atkins dieter keel over in terror.
~*~
"Make him run faster Dean!" Hank shouted, laughing.
"Got it!" Dean poured on the speed as much as his gangly legs could manage, running with the kite it had taken him and Hank the better portion of the early afternoon to get skyborn. A certain albino, having lost his umbrella, was drastically trying to stay in the shadow of the kite. So of course the boys didn't make it easy.
"You boys are AN-TAGO-nists! I'm gonna tell your fatha! Just as soon as I can get to some damn shade!"
"Go on, run pinky!" Monarch, in the spirit of the truce, cheered on the Venture brothers as they ran by the badmitton court, the aforementioned albino scampering behind.
~*~
Dr Venture glanced across the picnic grounds from his beach chair. Dean was currently collapsed in a heap under the volleyball net from exhaustion. Helper had taken up the entertaining duty of keeping the albino scampering for shade with Hank still running along shouting. The 'good' doctor held up a beer in his left hand, clinking it against the beer of his momentary neighbor, The Monarch.
The Monarch snorted in amusement at the same time Dr Venture let out a disappointed sigh. They said the same thing at the same time, but in different tones. "Goddamn that boy's a pussy."
~*~
Doctor Orpheus' daughter, who still requests not to have her name shown here, crouched on the ball of her toes by Dean's head. "You think you're going to be able to get up by the end of the weekend."
Dean croaked a response. "I'm.. I'm totally in control. I'm just... acclimating myself to the local geology. There's a lot you can tell by laying in the grass." He floundered for any sort of excuse.
"Mhm. Like the fact that that chipmunk's been peeing on your leg for the past five minutes?"
Dean lifted his head enough to look down, and there it was. He winced his eyes shut and let his head fall back, still unable to get up to stop it.
"So.. this top the testicle-spinning incident for embarassment?"
"Easily."
"Yeah well, I need to go make sure Dad hasn't started another fire. Talk to you later if you manage to recover. And change your pants." She got up and strode off, rolling her eyes as a team of the Monarch's minions were trying to play charades with Phantom Limb.
~*~
"Ringer again?! That does it.. I'm callin you on this one big guy.. you've been cheating, haven't you?" Brock squared off against Underbite, chest to chest, glaring intently.
Underbite would have bared his teeth and glared back, if not for the fact that he'd been using his lower jaw as the horseshoe. Once it had been retrieved for him, and hosed off, the glaring and baring of teeth did indeed commence. "How DARE you you beefcaked rent-a-cop! How DARE you accuse Underbite of cheating at such a pitiful activity as horseshoes!"
"I know you're using a magnet in that thing.. ever since that fork came flying at you two rounds back." Brock remained cool.
"Oh yeah, sorry, that was me. I was eating egg salad with my hands before, and the fork slipped away when I tried using it for my fries." Hank piped up, raising a hand in admittance.
Underbite wheeled on the Venture boy. "Eating fries with a fork, and egg salad with your hands... Boy, I am an evil megalomaniac dictator, with a bionic jaw of doom.. and you SICKEN me."
~*~
The Picnic ended a day early that year. All the other campers cleared out in a hurry, after The Monarch's RV started shaking around 11 o'clock at night. Truce or not, there were just some things that didn't need to be heard. And not being quite sure which member of a heterosexual couple was telling the other to 'spank them harder', was definitely one of those things.