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Hi. My name is Ichigaya Arisa, and I'm not quite like most people. You see, I can read people's minds. Their emotions, their intentions, and their thoughts. It is my curse, though I do not know what I did to deserve it. My grandma calls it a gift, but I have no clue where she got that idea. It has ruined my life.
I'm not sure when it all started. Maybe when I was born. Certainly for as long as I can remember. I could hear both what people were saying, and thinking. I could tell how they were feeling. Sense what they were going to do, or at least what they wanted. And let me tell you, it's hard to tell the difference between what someone is saying out loud, and what they're saying in their mind. Unfortunately there's no hollow echo effect like on TV or film. But there is a... slightly different flavour to it. It's hard to explain. Suffice to say, I've gotten better at telling the difference, even if it can still be difficult when you're in a direct conversation with someone. But as a child...
I didn't know there were some things people weren't actually saying out loud. Didn't know that I was the only one who could hear it. So I responded to people's thoughts. It still sounded like them, after all. I just wanted to be helpful, and friendly. I didn't understand that not everyone was always honest about everything. That there were things they wouldn't want others to know. Or that some things were never meant to be heard. Learning about intrusive thoughts threw me for a loop. I still sometimes get startled by those. Of course they're not going to throw themselves in front of a car. Or stomp on that dog. I can sense that they're not actually going to, or want to, do that. But they're still startling. I guess the people who have them are just used to them.
People didn't take kindly to my behaviour. Kids can be cruel. So can adults, maybe even more so. It was hard to make friends. Harder to keep them. I creeped them all out. Or scared them away. They didn't really understand what was going on either, but it made them uncomfortable. By the time I started truly understanding what was going on, and that maybe I should learn how to hold back, it was too late. Rumours about me were abundant. I was the weird kid. Some kind of witch. Or monster. People were avoiding me, or worse, bullying me.
I withdrew from everyone. Stopped talking to the other kids. Stopped raising my hand in class. Stopped going anywhere outside of school. Stopped making myself noticed. Only my grandma didn't reject me, and she was the only one I couldn't reject either.
But even long after I stopped, my reputation still stuck. I was still a target. An easy one, with no support, and no one to stand up for me. Even though no one probably even remembered any longer why they disliked me.
As for standing up for myself... I think... I think maybe I can influence people. I'm not sure. But one time they were picking on me, making fun of me, I just got so desperate for them to stop. My walls couldn't hold. And something... happened. I'm not even sure what. It's like the memories are blurry. All I know is that the kids stopped, and I felt really dirty afterwards. Whatever had happened, it made me feel like I had been dragged through sewage. I stopped going to school after that.
I have always been smart, even if that didn't translate to people skills. So I was able to keep my grades up even without attending class. It's not like I had anywhere to go, or anything to do, so I always had time to study. Burying myself in books was a relief, honestly.
And gradually I learned how to shut things out. Shut them off. I was able to find the focus I needed to not read peoples' minds. So I could mind the pawn shop, or go grocery shopping, without getting overwhelmed. It's not perfect, I'm hardly a master, and it's definitely tiring. But I can do it, to an extent. It's harder the closer someone is. Both physically and emotionally. Like my grandma, it's very hard to not read her. But I don't really feel the need to avoid it either. I don't read her every thought, but I can always tell how she's feeling. Whether she's worried about me. She worries about me a lot. But she's also kind, and understanding. So even her worry is a source of comfort, in its own way.
I don't remember a lot about my parents. I don't know if they were like me. My grandma says they weren't, but maybe she simply didn't know. Not that it really matters. Not that I'll ever know. My grandma is all I have. Or... she was.
You see... six months ago I was still all alone. And I liked it that way. Really. I wasn't lonely. Not that lonely, anyway. Even though I had changed school since the incident, and there were no longer all the rumours about me floating about, I still stayed at home. Only attending the very minimum amount I had to. I was afraid. I didn't want the cycle to start over again. Didn't want to have to navigate that minefield, and just get hurt again. It was better that way. But then she came into my life, and turned everything on its head. I'm in a band now, even though I never meant to be. I have friends, even though I thought I would be better off without.
* * *
"Arisa-chan. Can you play this for me? I'm trying to figure out what the song is missing, but I keep hitting the wall."
"Yeah, sure," I say, and accept Rimi's sheet music.
Ushigome Rimi is our band's bassist. A sweet, helpful girl with a serious love for chocolate, and some unfortunate self-esteem issues. I want to tell her to believe in herself more, especially since she's the second most skilled of us, but I know it's not as easy as that. And I'm still bad at properly talking to people. At least she's gotten more confident since I first met her.
Though peering into Rimi's mind can be a bit of a gamble. She also has a big love of horror, and a very vivid imagination. The things she thinks up are not for the faint of heart. Sort of amazing for someone so timid. I guess they say it's always the quiet ones you have to look out for.
"Thank you," Rimi says after listening to me. "I think I have some ideas now." She takes the sheet music again, and heads over to the table to grab her pencil.
"Hey, Arisa." O-Tae comes up to me. "I have taken new pictures of my bunnies. Do you wanna see?"
"Eh? Why would I want that?" I ask.
"They're gotten really fluffy now that the weather is getting colder. They're sooo cute."
"Ugh... fine, lemme see."
She beams at me, and hands me her phone.
Hanazono Tae, or O-Tae as we call her, is our lead guitarist. And the one who's played the longest, so she's the most skilled. The nickname was Kasumi's idea, of course. Yet somehow we've all ended up using it. O-Tae likes it. I'm just glad Kasumi hasn't come up with one for me. It'd probably be something like Aris-nya, or... Ari-chan... listen, just because I can read her mind, it doesn't mean I know how it works.
Anyway, O-Tae is a bit odd... okay, a lot odd, but there's not a shred of malice in her. She's a weirdo, but she might also be the purest soul I have ever met. Rimi is positively sinister by comparison. Maybe you have to be weird to be that sincere.
She was right. The bunnies are super cute. Maybe I should ask to come over and pet them... just a little. I bet they're extra soft.
"Hey, sorry I'm late!" A voice coming down the stairs calls out. "I brought pastries for everyone!"
That's Yamabuki Saaya, our drummer, scion of Yamabuki Bakery, and pretty much the archetypal big sister. She's always eager and willing to look after others. It seems to come naturally to her, possibly because she has two younger siblings. But she is really bad at looking after herself. Far too willing to sacrifice her own happiness for the sake of those she cares about. Even when it kills her inside. Like Rimi, she has improved. She realises it's okay to want things for herself. Though I can tell her old instincts are lurking not far beneath the surface.
Rimi jumps up immediately, hoping that the pastry bag includes a chocolate coronet or two. Her favourite. No way is Saaya going to forget to include those. Though it's too early for a break, we haven't even gotten started yet. We're still missing one person.
Oh no, here it comes. The thundering steps down the stairs.
"Arisaaaaa~!"
I know it's futile to try to dodge, and I get hugged very tightly. How is she always so quick?
"Hey, let me go!" I protest.
"But I love you~!" She says.
"There won't be any me to love if you crush me to death!"
"Ah, good point!" She doesn't let go, but at least she eases up on the pressure. Humming happily as she rubs her cheek against mine.
This is Toyama Kasumi. Our vocalist, and second guitarist. The bane, and love, of my life. It's complicated. She's the one who started all this.
* * *
It was a day like any other. The weather was nice, so I had been tending my bonsai, as usual. Completely unsuspecting of the approaching storm. I found her sneaking about our pawn shop's storeroom, and thought she was a burglar. Listen, all I could tell at first was that she had her eye on something in there. It wasn't an unreasonable assumption. Though we quickly cleared it up.
If only I had known back then what was in store. Maybe I would have done something differently. Kasumi threw my entire life into chaos, and I don't think it's possible for things to go back to how they were. Maybe I could have done something to avoid that. But... maybe it's better things turned out as they did. A lot has changed since that day, and while I'm still not used to all of it, it's not all bad. And my grandma worries a lot less now.
How do I describe Kasumi? Nosy. Meddling. Boundless energy. Annoying. Relentless. Driven. At first I thought she was simpleminded as well, which is not entirely incorrect, but also not fair. It's more that she's... uncomplicated. Sort of. Listen, I already said these things are hard to explain. The key thing from a mind-reader's perspective is that Kasumi has a lot of emotions, and she feels them all very strongly. When she's happy, she beams. When she's excited, she sparkles. When she's proud of herself, she's insufferable. When she cries, she bawls. And when she's hurt, it's heart-breaking. To me, she's like a beacon. I can always tell where she is, and how she is.
And she has a lot of love to give. She loves Rimi. She loves O-Tae. She loves Saaya. She loves her 'Aa-chan', her little sister Asuka. She feels all of this keenly, and powerfully. I admit it, I get a little jealous that she's able to love everyone so much. But... I take enormous comfort in one fact. She thinks I'm the best thing in the whole wide world. I can't tell you why, I don't really understand it myself, but she feels this more strongly than anything else. Can you blame me for being attracted to that? Even if I'm bad at showing it.
* * *
I have started going back to school. Not long after this whole debacle started, I ended up going back. Or getting dragged back, more like. If I'm completely honest, I probably needed the push. Or pull. Whichever applies better.
It is easier now. While I learned that there's still talk about me, it's not malicious like it used to be. People are just curious. Interested. My classmates want to talk to me. It's not easy to deal with, but it is easier than it used to be. It helps that I am partly able to shut things out now. So I don't have to hear and feel them all the time. I've even started helping out with class stuff a little. I have a slight legendary status, I suppose, as the school's enigmatic top student. People want to rely on me, and... it feels good. A little. Not that I need it, but... it helps.
And I've learned that I might not be the only one with... secrets... at this school.
Though I still have to take days off. Staying focused so I don't get everything just rushing into me is tiring. I need days to rest every so often. But should I start to lose control while at school, it helps to focus on her. We're in different classes, but her presence is so strong, her light so bright, that she's still easy to find. She drowns out everything else. I'm not going to say she's the only thing that keeps me going, I have a bit more faith in myself than that. I would have found some way to manage. But she makes it all easier to bear.
She loves me. It's impossible to deny that. She's not perfect. She makes mistakes. She has accidentally hurt me. But she is also wonderful, and she truly loves me. And I love her.
* * *
"You didn't have to come here, Arisa," Saaya says. "I could have come to your place."
"I didn't want to mess up grandma's kitchen," I say.
"But you're okay with messing up ours?" She's amused, not upset, thankfully.
"I figured you're more used to it," I reply. Surely bakeries get messy all the time.
"Ahaha, I guess. But you're not going home until you help clean up," she tells me.
"Ugh... I suppose that's fair," I concede. "Sorry, I'm not really used to baking." Grandma handles all that stuff. I do other things.
"I can tell," she says, and giggles lightly. Teasing me. I suppose that's fair too. It's a little embarrassing how much of a mess I've made, even with Saaya's help. And we're not even done yet.
I put my attention back to what I'm doing. My own hubris is slightly to blame. I figured that if I had the recipe, then how hard could it be? Turns out it's hard enough. Why does dough have to be so sticky? I'm not sure I'll ever have clean hands again.
"So why did you suddenly want to bake something for Kasumi?" Saaya asks out of the blue.
"Wha- w-w-why would it be for Kasumi?!" I stutter. Very smooth.
"Who else would it be for, hm?" She smirks.
Are you suddenly a mind-reader too? "W-well, maybe I just..." I try to think up some excuse, but I can hear loud and clear that she wouldn't believe anything I'd say. "Fine... I just want to give her something back, for... everything..."
"Ooohhhh?" How does she manage to sound so smug?
"Never mind, I didn't say anything!" I slap the dough, sending a puff of flour into the air. "What? What's with that expression?" I ask. Nay, demand.
"Oh, I was just thinking how nice it must be to be in love~," she says, and grins at me.
"Sh-shut up, or I'll stick my dough-fingers on your face!" I warn her, causing her to laugh out loud.
I know Kasumi would be thrilled with anything I made for her, no matter what, but that just makes it feel even more important that I put some effort in. If she's going to be happy with it, then so should I.
And one day, I'll tell her about me. I know she'll accept me. There's no way she'll push me away. No chance she'll dump me. But even though I know that... there's still that tiny 'what if' in the back of my mind. A seed of fear. Maybe I've read her wrong. Maybe she will dump me. Or even if she doesn't, she'll see me completely differently, in a way I won't like.
But no. She wouldn't do that. I'll tell her. One day. Soon.