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Stephen found references to the spell years ago when he was still a novice at Kamar-Taj. Back then the daily pain had been bad but he'd just found new hope. When he'd read about it he'd shuddered, horrified at the mere concept and unable to imagine how somebody could be that desperate. It was overkill anyway. Dead was dead and you didn't come back from that.
How naïve and clueless he'd been back then.
But thanks to his excellent memory it was easy to recall it years later when his world had shifted and he knew that dead was not dead and people could be brought back not only through medicine and science and that the window to do so was far longer as soon as magic was involved.
Being a powerful master on the cusp of being named the next Sorcerer Supreme had its perks. One of them was unsupervised access to Wong's domain - the library of Kamar-Taj. It was easy to work his way through the references in various books until he finally held the tome that held the actual spell in his shaking hands. He looked and it and shuddered all over again. It was horrifying. Gruesome. Dark magic at its worst.
It was what he needed - deserved - after all he'd done. It was the only way he could really be sure that this death would finally stick.
Stephen felt relived, despite everything that awaited him in the near future. He was willing to pay any price to finally end it for good.
It would be slow and painful; the book had warned. The gradual breaking of the connection between his body and his soul would take time and he would feel every agonizing second of it. Stephen didn't mind. He could live, or rather die, with pain.
His hands were shaking far more than usual when he traced the sigils over the tea he'd brought with him and murmured the incantation. As soon as he was finished he took the cup and drank it without hesitation. The let it vanish immediately afterwards; there was no reason to leave any trace of what he'd done behind. He felt nothing but a slight twinge in his chest but that would soon change, he was sure of that. He carefully put the book back where he'd found it and left the library. Another meeting with the other masters and his duties here would be done. Forever. Then he would collect the Cloak, which he had left behind in his quarters because he knew that it would have tried to stop him at any cost, and return home to the Sanctum.
And wait for the end there. Despite what he knew he still hoped that it would come sooner rather than later.
*
The same night he woke up in the worst pain he'd ever experienced. His hands, his neck, his back, his chest - it was waking up after the accident all over again but without the benefit of painkillers to get him through it. The book had been right; he could feel the first fractures in his soul. He gritted his teeth, let the tears flow and knew that this was just the beginning. It would get worse from day to day until finally…
He couldn't wait for the moment when he'd take his final breath, secure in the knowledge that nothing and nobody could and would bring him back from this.
I'm coming, the promised the waiting darkness. Just a little while longer and I'll be with you.
He should have died years ago in that car crash. He should have bled out, or drowned, or the impact should have snapped his neck. He was just correcting a mistake, that was all.
*
As predicted the pain grew worse almost by the hour. His familiarity with chronic pain didn't help one bit - this one was pure hell with no relief except death in sight. He couldn't concentrate, he couldn't sleep, he could do nothing but curl up in some corner and try to endure it without screaming. He'd left the Cloak downstairs and locked himself into his bedroom. He'd never leave it again. Wong would probably be the one to find his body after he didn't show up to the ceremony to make him Sorcerer Supreme. It couldn't be helped but Stephen regretted it nevertheless.
Despite everything, Stephen reveled in the excruciating pain. He'd made so many mistakes, in first life as well as the new one he'd been granted after the accident. He'd laughed in the face of rules, he'd misused magic and - worst of all - he'd dared to take on the responsibilities of the Sorcerer Supreme and given away what was not his. And now those in charge wanted to gift him with the title for real, when he'd already proven over and over again that he wasn't even worthy of the magical abilities he already possessed. The slow breaking down of his soul was the only fitting punishment; the fading away into nothing, after he gave the Eye of Agamotto away, had been far too kind. And then he'd been brought back from that anyway.
A new wave of pain passed over him and Stephen choked on his breath. This time it was not the poison but the thought of Tony that made him double over and cry out in misery.
I'm sorry, he thought for the very first time since he'd made the decision to use the poison. Ever since he'd realized that his feelings for Tony Stark had changed from tentative friendship to the very first stirrings of love he'd been afraid. Afraid of being found out, afraid of the inevitable rejection. Even though the poor man's engagement hadn't survived the arrival and eventual defeat of Thanos there wasn't any sign that that Tony felt anything but reluctant friendship with him. They'd met a few times for lunch or dinner, sure. They'd talked about a lot of things, but nothing too personal. Or had they? It was hard to concentrate and his memory had become blurry in the last few days. They had only touched once and that had been when Stephen had stumbled and only Tony's lightning fast reflexes had kept him on his feet. If he really concentrated he could still feel Tony's grip on his left arm and he allowed himself the luxury of recalling the moment in every detail. He couldn't remember another moment in recent memory when he'd felt as safe and protected.
Stephen's sacrifice had been worth it, yes, because it meant the world still had living, breathing Tony Stark in it. But that didn't mean that he didn't have to be punished for his transgressions.
Another sliver of his soul broke away and for a while Stephen forgot about everything but the pain.
Soon, the darkness whispered. Just hold on for a little while longer.
*
Seven days after he used the spell Stephen finally slipped into unconsciousness. His body still fought the magic and tried everything to keep itself alive but it was no use. By now Stephen's soul was almost completely severed from his body and the parts that had been cruelly broken away had withered and died without their anchor.
It was the day Doctor Stephen Strange was supposed to take over the responsibilities of the Sorcerer Supreme and when he didn't show up Wong was the one to visit the Sanctum to look for his errant friend and former pupil.
*
"Boss, there's a call for you."
"Not now, FRIDAY. I've still got this report to go through and after that…"
"It's Master Wong. He says to tell you that it's about Doctor Strange."
Well, that got his attention. Tony barely knew Wong, had met the man only a handful of times after Thanos' defeat. But Stephen? That was another matter. They were friends, even though there often were long periods of time where they didn’t speak to one another because of their busy, hectic and pretty incompatible lives. Come to think of it he hadn't heard from Stephen in about two weeks or so. Time for a call, he decided. He had some cool new stuff to show off and he kind of missed the company of an intellectual equal who was also funny and very nice to look at. "Put him through."
"Mr. Stark? It's about Stephen. I need your help."
No hello, no nothing. But there was an undertone in Wong's voice that put Tony on red alert. "What happened? I can be there…"
"Now," Wong finished the sentence for him the same moment a portal formed in the middle of Tony's office. Wong put down the phone and just spoke directly to Tony. "The idiot has done something to himself and now he's dying."
Tony didn't even think about the obvious answers to that. Like: Did you call an ambulance? or Do you want me to get him to hospital? or the most important one And why do you call me? Instead he got up, made sure that the Nano-reactor was on him and stepped through the portal with only the tiniest hint of trepidation. Other, more important, questions and feelings where crowding out the rest. "Where's Stephen?" he asked the moment he stepped through the portal. Wong looked afraid and frenzied - both things Tony would never have him thought capable of.
Instead of answering Wong just grabbed him by the sleeve and dragged him along the hallway to the door to Stephen's bedroom where the Cloak was fluttering around in a panic. The bad feeling intensified as Tony looked between Wong and Cloak. "Stephen?" he asked and was surprised how quiet and weak his voice sounded.
"Is in there." Wong gestured to the closed door. "It's magically blocked and I can't break the spells. I'm hoping you can blast the door open."
"And how do you know that he's not just sleeping in there and we'll wake him up for nothing?" Tony didn't think so, not when he took the behavior of the Cloak into account and Wong's uncharacteristic anxiety. He'd already activated the suit and configured a cannon before Wong could answer.
"He should have been in Kamar-Taj today for an important… meeting. When he didn't arrive on time I did a quick locating spell and it showed him here. There's no reason for that and so I did another spell. It revealed that he's not sleeping but actually dying behind a magically locked door." Wong gave it an affronted look and a kick. "It's bad so hurry up and let us in!"
Wong's final shout got drowned out by the noise of the door splintering in a thousand pieces. Tony was the first one through the remains and the dust of the blasted door and scanned the room, the Cloak behind him, while Wong was still coughing in the hallway.
"Stephen?" There, in the corner, that was him, wasn't it? "Stephen!" Tony shouted before sprinting over to the body lying on his side on the floor before the window. The suit was already retracted back into its reactor by the time Tony fell to his knees beside Stephen. "Stephen?" he tried again, far more quietly this time. He carefully reached out to touch Stephen's neck to feel for a pulse. His hands where still shaking slightly, so he was not dead, but he didn't look alive either. To pale, to thin, to cool and far too still apart from the shaking. Was he even still breathing? "What have you done to yourself?" Still pressing his fingers to Stephen's neck and counting the too weak and slow pulse he moved over to the side to make room for Wong. "FRIDAY? What's the status?" he asked while Wong performed some complicated looking hand movements, complete with muttered non-English.
The sensors in Tony's glasses painted a grim picture. "Heart rate is dangerously low, as is his temperature. Brain activity almost at zero." FRIDAY lowered her voice to a whisper. "Death is imminent, boss."
Tony closed his eyes for a moment to not see the diagrams anymore and swallowed. "Wong?" Despite everything he hoped for a better diagnosis from the sorcerer but he only got a shake of his head. The Cloak, which had approached cautiously, reached out to touch Stephen, too. Tony moved out of its way to allow it easier access. Its agitation was clear to see.
"I can confirm what your lady is saying. He's almost completely gone."
"But why? He was healthy two weeks ago when we last met! He couldn't deteriorate this fast!" Panic tried to claw its way back into the forefront of his mind and Tony fought against it with all of his will. He had no time for it. "He was looking perfect two weeks ago," he repeated, helplessly. Tony had been this close to asking him out on a proper date but had hesitated at the last moment when Stephen had mentioned something big coming up in Kamar-Taj. Another time, Tony had decided. They had more than enough of it, after all.
Wong just looked down and Stephen with tears in his eyes. "Why?" he whispered. "Why did you do that to yourself?"
Wong's words brought him back to reality. "What did he do? And don’t tell me that it's some magic secret or God help me…"
"Suicide," Wong interrupted. "He killed himself in a way so gruesome and brutal that a non-sorcerer can't even comprehend it."
Killed himself. Not tried to. Tony concentrated on the faint heartbeat under his fingertips. "He's not gone yet. How can we save him?"
But Wong shook his head. "We can't. He poisoned his soul, ripped it away from his body, piece by piece. It's a drawn-out and very painful death. There is no way of saving him. The spell is designed to prevent exactly that."
"No!" Tony refused to accept that. He'd lost too many people, most of them in brutal ways, but not one of them to suicide. He'd been tempted from time to time, sure, but to actually do it? In a manner as brutal as Wong had just described? That Tony couldn't understand. Just mix a few pills with alcohol and get it over with. Or go out in a blaze of glory while saving the lives of others.
There had been no warning signs, whatsoever. Two weeks ago Stephen had been the perfect company for a nice dinner - charming and funny and so much Tony's type that he could barely keep his hands to himself. The signs had been there, he was sure that Stephen was also interested. But still he'd managed to restrain himself from just kissing Stephen on his beautiful lips. I should have done that. Maybe he wouldn't have…
"You said it ripped apart his soul," the words left a bad taste in his mouth and his stomach heaved. Poor Stephen. Why? What hurt you so bad? "Is there a way to… I don't know… put it back together?"
"The poison weakened the connection between his physical form and his soul and fractured it in the process. Then… pieces of it, for lack of a better term, broke off, bit by bit." Wong took both of Stephen's still shaking hands between his own. "The severed pieces wither and die immediately. The process is painful and takes days. Death is the inevitable end, there's no antidote and now way to stop it once it started. He's already gone. His body just hasn't realized it yet."
"There has to be a way." Tony's voice had broken completely and he could see almost nothing through the veil of tears. There had to be a way. "There's still something of his soul left, right? Otherwise he would be dead?"
"Stark, Tony, he's already…"
"Yes or no, Wong. Is there still something of his soul left?" That beautiful, wonderful soul that deserved only happiness and the best things the universe had to offer but had to suffer through so much instead. Too much, Tony's subconscious supplied. He didn't know what exactly had broken Stephen in the end but it didn't matter. They would find a way through it, he would drag Stephen to the best therapy money could buy and he would watch over him 24/7 until the stars burned out if that's what was necessary to keep him alive.
Another incantation, more murmuring but at the end Wong nodded. "Not much, it's literally hanging on by a thread, but he's still in there." Tears stained his face and he looked as stunned as Tony felt. The big Why? still hung in the air between them.
The idea was crazy, Tony knew that. He knew almost nothing about magic and the little bit he knew he could do without. But he'd managed to fall in love with a sorcerer and was determined to bring him back from the dead. So, magic it was. He would learn everything necessary to keep Stephen by his side. But for that to happen he had to save him first.
"So if his soul was ripped… away," God, the words were hard to speak and Tony concentrated once again on the faint pulse under his fingertips while his other hand grabbed on to Wong's and through them to Stephen's. "Can we give him a new one?"
Wong looked at him as if he was crazy. Rightfully so but by now the idea was here and crystallized more and more with every second. "His body has lost its connection to his soul, right? But what if we give him part of another, healthy one? That can act as a bridge between his broken one and his body? Could we save him that way? Can we heal him?" Can I get him back to tell him that I love him?
The are you crazy? look had morphed into an you are crazy look. "You want to transplant a soul, Tony, seriously?"
"Basically, yes."
"And I guess you're offering to be the donor, am I right?" Wong fast far to perceptive but right now it saved them precious time. He was already thinking it over, planning and Tony could barely sit still, desperate to do something. But one look down at Stephen stilled all those impulses. Tony could feel death approaching. He's not yours. Not yet. You'll get him when it's time. Not now. He still has some much to do. To live.
"Theoretically speaking…"
Tony didn't like to repeat himself. "Yes or no, Wong."
"I can try. But there'll be consequences. For both of you."
"Will we both be alive to face those consequences?"
"If it works? Yes."
"Then do it. You can tell me about later."
Wong looked at him for a long moment, judging his sincerity. He gave in with a nod. "Give me a moment. I'll have to get something." Wong more or less ran out of the room.
Tony gathered Stephen up in his arms and held him close, with Stephen's head on his shoulder. A partly formed armor gave him enough strength to pick Stephen up and carry him to his bed, the Cloak fluttering behind them. "We'll get you through this," he promised the unresponsive man in his arms before he laid him down gently, "and I'll get you all the help you need. I don't care if you'll hate me for it but I can't let you go. You deserve so much better", than pain and misery and death. But he didn't speak those words out aloud, they had no place here. He wanted to press a kiss to Stephen's lips but resisted the temptation. First, he had to get Stephen back and then through this depression or whatever it had been that had forced him to such extreme measures. Then, and only then, they could talk about them and their eventual future together. If Stephen ever forgave him this invasion of his privacy. But Stephen would be alive. That was all that mattered.
"Ready?" Wong asked a few minutes later and looked at them nervously.
"Ready," Tony confirmed. He still had one hand on Stephen's neck, tracking his pulse, while holding Stephen's right hand with the other one. He bent down and whispered a quick "I love you" into Stephen's ear before he closed his eyes and let Wong's magic wash over him.
*
It didn't really hurt. There was the sensation of something being ripped away from his chest but it faded almost immediately and hadn't been really uncomfortable to begin with. The arc-reactor, in all the time it had been inside of him, had been far more painful. But it was still a… strange sensation and not really pleasant.
The loud gasp that Stephen gave as the piece of Tony's soul in him began to repair the damage was the last thing Tony heard before he himself slipped into unconsciousness.
*
"You're his link to life," Wong told him hours later, after he'd woken up. Stephen was still fast asleep but his breathing and pulse were better and a little bit of color was back in his face. Tony was beside him on the bed, close enough for their bodies to touch, while Wong was on Stephen's other side, watching them both like a hawk. "If you die, he dies. That's a fact. So if you want him to live you might want to rethink your current career."
That was unexpected but not really a surprise, the more Tony thought about it. "That's one of those consequences you mentioned earlier." Fuck, giving up being Iron Man had not been on his immediate agenda, despite the constant nagging of his friends to step back and take better care of himself. He looked down at Stephen. He wasn't doing it for himself but for someone else. It was easier to stomach this way. "Okay. What else?"
Wong just looked at him and shrugged. "How should I know? This has never been done before. Congratulations, Tony, you and Stephen are the first true soulmates outside of fairytales and popular fiction fantasies."
"Soulmates? Great." Tony looked down at Stephen and the queasy feeling intensified. Stephen Strange, doctor, sorcerer and apparently majorly depressed guy that had just tried to kill himself in the most fucked up way imaginable, bound to Tony Stark, the guy with the survival instinct of a moth drawn to a flame, according to his friends. And the rest of the world. A match made in heaven. Hell. Wherever. "We're lucky when we survive until the end of the year," Tony muttered. Wong sighed and looked heavenwards as if to ask for help.
"I didn't say anything about you. You'll survive his death. Just not the other way round."
God, this got worse and worse. "Any more unwanted responsibilities you want to dump on me? Am I responsible for his feeding and bedtime, too?"
"Would do him a world of good if somebody finally where. You do realize that he's a mess, right?" Tony was beginning to, yes. "And don’t forget that this was your idea." But Wong looked at him with kindness. "Thank you. I would have missed him." Wong touched Stephen's trembling hand. "We'll see how everything affected his magical abilities when he wakes up. There could be trouble on that front, too."
Great. Tony was beginning to doubt of he'd done the right thing in his panic but one look at Wong, and the affection with which he looked at Stephen, put those fears to rest for good. He'd done the right thing, now he - they - just had to live with the consequences.
*
"It began after I came back from the shadow dimension." Eight hours later Stephen was sitting up and holding a mug of tea in his trembling hands, aided by the Cloak around his shoulders. He barley drank from it but used its heat to warm up his fingers. He didn't have the strength to look at his audience of two but forced himself to tell the story as far as he'd been able to piece it together. "I went there the day after our," he paused for a moment, "date." He looked up at Tony and smiled slightly. "I would have responded to your overtures more if there hadn't been the ceremony in two weeks' time. I wanted to get this over first and come back to you as the Sorcerer Supreme. It would have given me and us more freedom to pursue this thing between us." The smile vanished. Now, he would never be the Sorcerer Supreme, instead he could count himself lucky if he could remain as guardian of the New York Sanctum.
"I think I brought something back from there," he finally continued. "It began shortly after I'd come back - I just felt so depressed, desperate and hopeless. Soon I could think about nothing but making it all stop." Wong took the mug out of his hands and Tony cradled them between his own. "I think I can remember everything but it wasn't me, you understand? I haven't thought about killing myself in years and I've had more than enough deaths anyway." Tony leaned over and pulled him close for an embrace and Stephen followed willingly.
When he'd woken up restrained by Tony's nanotech he'd almost panicked, before he realized that his two friends where there and watching over him. It turned out that Tony and Wong were afraid that he'd try to kill himself again as soon as he woke up and had reacted accordingly. Their surprised reactions, when Stephen had just looked around in wonder and asked them what had happened and why he was tied down, would have been funny if it hadn't been so heart wrenching. Stephen had seen Tony cry before but never over him and Wong's tears had been equally hard to watch. Their despair had been palpable Stephen felt like shit for putting them through this trauma and with every word of their story he'd felt worse.
Maybe it would have been better if they'd found him too late but Stephen loved his life too much to not be thankful. No matter the inevitable frustration in the future. At least he had one, even if it was bound to Tony's. Dying together with someone had never been on his list of things to do but it seemed that destiny had other plans for him and had shortened his lifespan considerably. But at least he had some time left. Concentrate on the positive.
"And now?" Tony's tone was so carefully neutral that Stephen wanted to smack him. "What do you want to do now?"
Not killing myself, he wanted to snap but Stephen held himself back. "Honestly? A shower and something to eat. Whatever it was, it's gone." With the better part of my soul. It made Stephen shudder. He could feel the emptiness inside of him and it was an abomination. Wong had assured him that it would continue to heal and that he would feel better in time but the fact remained that he'd lost most of himself and it had been replaced with something alien. Still, he felt better than he should have, all things considered. He was grateful for Tony's sacrifice even though most of the consequences would only reveal themselves in time. "You don't have to book me the next therapy session available and I don't need a suicide watch. I'm the same I was two weeks ago." Minus a few vital parts, substituted by the man who was looking at him as if he was the sun and the moon in one. And while he probably could use therapy for a myriad of reasons being suicidal wasn't one of them. Been there, done that, hadn't been to his taste.
Stephen preferred living, but that was no longer up to him alone. He gently disentangled himself from Tony's embrace. "And what about you? What are you going to do know?" He had no more rights to demand anything from Tony than he had two weeks ago and whatever decision Tony made it had to be his own, unburdened by his new responsibility for Stephen's life. Tony had survived being Iron Man for over twelve years know, Stephen had all the faith in the world that he could continue to do so. But still…
Tony shrugged. "Retire, I guess." He put a finger to Stephen's lips to stop the forthcoming protest. "It's something I should have done long ago; after Thanos at the latest. Pepper and Rhodey are haunting me almost daily with their pleas to stop putting myself into mortal danger every few weeks." His fingers left Stephen's lips and caressed his cheek instead. "Turns out I just needed a good reason to stop and I think that I've finally found it." He smiled at Stephen. "We both deserve to rest now, I think. But not the eternal kind."
Wong just smiled indulgently as Tony leaned forward and enveloped him in the tightest, most welcome hug of his life. "No regrets," he whispered but Stephen knew they would come. Trading Iron Man against Stephen's life wasn't the best bargain but it had been the only one available.
While Tony held him he could feel Wong embracing him from behind. He looked up at his best friend and managed a weak smile, despite his tears. "Thank you."
They'd sort everything out. Eventually. Hopefully.