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Xander leaned against the back wall of the Bronze, staring at the stars. There was a stake tightly gripped in his left hand, but it wasn't as reassuring as it usually was. The reason it wasn't was that Xander Harris was doing the improbable: he was having Deep Thoughts.
Xander knew he wasn't stupid. He might not do all that well at school, and the most moronic statements might tumble out of his mouth on occasion, but he had a brain. And that brain was working overtime at the moment.
"Giles?"
In the darkness, he saw the starlight reflect off the older man's glasses as he looked over from his listening post by the door. "Yes, Xander?"
"Willow's alive, right?"
"Xander?" Surprisingly enough, the confused reply held none of Giles' standard exasperation. He took that as a good sign and continued.
"I'm just making sure I didn't, you know, fall asleep on the library steps and dream the rest of the afternoon."
"No, no you didn't." He didn't need to be able to see the Watcher's face to know that a slight smile had crept over his features, and his face echoed it as Giles' provided the reassurance he needed. "Willow is very much alive. Thank goodness."
Silence settled over them again as they each returned to their earlier activities. There were certain times, with certain people, when he could resist the reflex to fill any silence with inane babble. It was hard though, as it had been ingrained at an early age. Sometimes he wondered if childhood exposure to the Harris household had trained Willow's babble-reflex as well. Willow.
"Giles?" Giles didn't respond this time, but Xander could feel the weight of his attention shift back from the door to him. "She could have died though, couldn't she? I mean, we all could, any time. And not be revived."
"This isn't a game, Xander."
He nodded into the dark and was surprised to feel Giles move to lean against the wall next to him. Shouldn't he be listening for Willow's signal? "Shouldn't you be listening for Willow's signal?"
An arm moved against his as Giles... did something. Shrugged, maybe? He stopped himself from asking, as the other man was answering his question. "We've both heard Willow scream before. I am certain it will be quite as audible two feet away from the door as it is at the door."
"True." The silence settled again and Xander leaned slightly into the heat of Giles' arm, thinking. "I don't think it's a game. I know it's all life and death and unlife and stuff. But... I try not to think about it when I don't have to. Death, I mean. Unlife, too, I guess."
Giles sighed, but it wasn't his normal one, the one Xander'd classified as his "Xander is a moron" sigh. It sounded sad and rather lonely, two emotions Giles usually tried to hide from his Slayer and her friends. "Death happens. You deal with it and continue living. Unlife, you deal with by alternative methods, but the grieving process still needs to happen."
Xander thought about the way Jesse's body had felt as it hit the stake and the sudden loss of weight as it had burst into dust. He thought about rose petals scattered around Giles' apartment and the way Buffy's wet hair had felt against his cheek as he gave her mouth to mouth. The feeling in his chest as Willow had vamped out in the Bronze earlier that day, and how his first thought had been to go to the library. To Giles.
"If you died today, would you have regrets? Things you wished you'd done? Or said?"
"Of course," Giles replied automatically, then paused to actually think about the question. "Quite a number of things, to tell the truth."
"Me too."
Xander started to tap the wall behind him with his fingers and jiggle his left foot as he fought with himself. He desperately wanted to elaborate, but his brain was screaming at him not to say anything that would embarrass him later. The fight was futile, though.
"Yup. I'd regret lots of things. All sorts of things." He sensed Giles' head turn towards him as the words poured out of his mouth. "Not even things that I know can't be undone now, like saving Jesse, but little things. Telling Willow what her friendship's meant to me. Putting fresh flowers on my grandma's grave. Telling Buffy how much of a hero she is. Kissing you. Apologizing to Cordelia. Finding out what actually goes on in Oz's brain. Hurting Angel and--"
"Xander?"
He stared at the stars resolutely, ignoring the tenseness in the body next to his. He was already regretting saying anything, but it wasn't like he could take it back. He just wished that Willow would scream right about now.
"Xander?"
"Gee, I wonder what's taking so long in there. I guess Willow must have pulled it off, or we would have heard *something* by now, right? I hope she's--"
This time he was interupted by the faint sound of screaming. He'd never felt so happy to hear his best friend in distress. He tossed the stake into his other hand and pushed off from the wall.
And was suddenly pushed right back against it. Giles was right there, so close Xander could feel his breath against his cheek, his hands on either shoulder. "Xander?"
He didn't dare look into Giles' eyes, so he looked over his shoulder instead. "We need to go in, Giles. Willow..."
"Xander. Look at me." The voice was quiet. And smiling. Xander wondered when he'd learned how to interpret Giles' facial expressions through tone of voice. Then he forgot everything he was thinking as he met Giles' eyes.
The feel of Giles' lips against his own was totally unlike either Cordelia's or Faith's. Warm and dry and... tongue. There was tongue. Giles-tongue.
Giles' entire body pressed briefly against his own and then pushed off. "Don't die."
And then Giles' hand was on his wrist and he was being tugged towards the door. As Giles pulled the door open, Xander tightened his grip on the stake in his hand and made plans to not die. Not dying sounded like a good plan indeed.