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Chapter Text

I got soul but I’m not a soldier.

I got soul but I’m not a soldier.

All These Things That I’ve Done – The Killers

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Dawn came slowly to the forest north of San Francisco. Sat against a cold outcrop of rock, two figures watched a large swath of trees, passing a single pair of binoculars back and forth between them. One had messy blonde hair, and a bow propped against her leg. The other had a hard face and short dark brown hair with the ragged look of having been cut recently. Her eyes swept the forest, her right hand rubbing her left, which was missing most of the smallest finger. She had been sat there for most of the night, her companion only joining her within the last hour or so, after waking alone. The curving path ahead of them remained stubbornly empty, no matter how much they strained their eyes, and as the day brightened around them, the taller of the pair stood up. The other followed willingly as she turned in silence, tracing one of the many paths back to the complex of caves the pair called home. She wasn’t giving up though. It wasn’t in her blood to give up.

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Lily’s footsteps followed mine, and they echoed with guilt. Guilt, guilt, guilt. Guilt for the dead, guilt for the living. Guilt for taking so much and giving so little. Guilt that she would still follow me, despite everything. Guilt, guilt, guilt. It had dogged my heels relentlessly for the past year and a half, intensifying once Blue Eyes had left, but the feeling was a familiar one to me. It had been my constant companion for the past 12 years.

            Reaching blindly backwards, I slowed my steps as I reached a wider section of path. Lily’s shoulder fit neatly under mine as her free arm came around my waist, her other hand holding her bow.

            “Couldn’t sleep?” she asked, finally breaking the silence that had shrouded our vigil.

            Somehow our feet kept pace with each other, despite the difference in our heights. I shrugged in answer.

            “Jac…” The warning in her voice was light, but it was still there.

            With a sigh, I glanced across at her feet, unable to meet her eyes. “People from the colony. Blue.” Blue Eyes was in all my nightmares now. His extended absence had opened the door for him to wander into my dreams. “And Koba.”

            Lily knew about Koba now. She knew everything, but still, she had stayed.

            Approaching the first of the arches along the river, I signed a quick greeting to the ape on watch, who nodded in return.

            “Not the soldiers?” Lily asked.

            I raised a hand to touch my cheek, a faint scar marking my stint of time among the enemy. Deep muscle bruise, a dislocated shoulder, and split skin over a swollen cheek. It wouldn’t even have scarred if I hadn’t picked at the scab so much, even with Lily batting my hand away. It was irrelevant anyway. That time had left much deeper scars that were much harder to see.

            “No,” I answered Lily. “They gave me a break.” I snorted at the irony of the idea. It was unusual for the soldiers to be absent from my dreams, and unheard of for them not to haunt my waking hours. Not a day went by anymore without the distant crackle of gunfire, the returning reports of more deaths.

            I’d taken a step back from the fighting, as I’d known I must ever since the last encounter with John. The soldiers were still my enemies, still our enemies, but they were more than that. I’d slept with them, ate with them, trained with them. Caesar was too good, too smart, to ask me to be in a position to kill them. So I’d retreated, remaining in the caves most of the time. I talked strategy with Caesar, had advised Blue on which direction to go to seek a possible new home, played with the young ones, taught alongside Maurice and Lily. We’re not totally removed – we helped plan ambushes on the soldier’s supplies, snuck around them into the city, worked with the apes to create better weapons. Our attempts were crude and often failed to begin with, but we developed relentlessly, and the smoke bombs the apes were now armed with were highly effective. It’s impossible to ignore the war, to forget about it, but away from the direct action, I did my best.

            For the most part, I’m happy with what I’ve been doing. There’s only been one instance where I’ve baulked.

            Caesar had been even graver than normal as he’d waved me over to where he was sat with his inner council. Leaving the group of youngsters to torment Lily, I’d bounded over to them. The slick rocks, slippery from the constant spray of water, had made me cautious at first but held little fear for me now. In quick, unquestionable terms, Caesar had explained his plan. The apes were losing. Slowly, they were being pushed back. The soldiers were determined, well-armed, and experienced. Caesar was looking ahead, to a different way out. He wanted to send out a small group to explore other possible places for the apes to live. A strategical retreat, moving far enough that the soldiers either couldn’t or wouldn’t follow. I’d private doubted there was anywhere the apes could run that the Colonel wouldn’t pursue them, but I’d held my tongue, my thoughts filled with a harsh anger, growing with every second. I hated it. I hated the very idea. The apes may not have development completely naturally, but they deserved the chance to live. They deserved to be able to build a home, to raise their families, and not fight for it. But they shouldn’t have to leave, to run, in order to do so.

            The second blow, that it was Blue Eyes who would be the one to go, had been too much. With a swift nod, and a brief sign to indicate my return, I’d turned and left. Deep within the network of caves, hidden in the darkness, I’d sunk down onto the floor, pressed my hands over my mouth, and screamed.

            Later that evening, once I’d had myself under control, I’d sat with the apes, discussing the possible places they could find to live, drawing a rough outline of a map in the gravel which I’d later copied onto a sheet of stolen paper. Within four days, Blue Eyes had gone, Rocket along with him. We hadn’t seen them since.

            “Hey, you okay?”

            Lily’s voice drew me out of my thoughts, and I blinked, looking around with a wry smile.

            “Yeah, just… a little lost,” I said vaguely.

            Her hand tightened on mine. “I’ve got you.”

            I looked at her in wonderment. Despite everything, despite admitting my whole story to her, my part in the ending of the world, she’d stayed. “How are you still here?” I asked.

            She grinned. “Where else would I be?”

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A wild hooting and fast hooves drew our attention up. With a quick glance at Lily, I jogged over to the end of the cliff, looking down in time to see an ape pulling their horse to a halt, eyes scanning around.

            “Caesar?” they signed.

            “Not here,” one of the other apes replied, as I scrambled closer.

            “What’s happened?” I called out.

            The newly arrived ape looked up. “Attack. Survivors.”

            Feeling suddenly cold, I made the final jump down to the path. The soldiers had been brutal with me. They would surely be even worse to a captured ape. “They were taken?”

            The horse snorted, stamping its feet as the ape shook its head. “Human survivors.”

            The world swayed, and I sat down on the rock I’d just jumped off of. It felt like I fell a lot further.

            Human survivors.

            John?

            I dismissed the idea as soon as it formed. It couldn’t be John. But it could be.

            “Jac?” Lily had joined me, touching my shoulder, her face worried.

            “Where?” I croaked, looking past her.

            The ape seemed unsure, looking around as if asking permission to tell me.

            I was back on my feet in an instant, though my vision went black around the edges. “Where?!” I demanded.

            “First east trench,” the ape signed reluctantly.

            “Jac,” Lily said again, louder.

            “I have to go.”

            “No,” she objected, catching hold of my elbow, pulling me around. “You don’t.”

            I looked at her blue eyes, and saw a different pair. “Yes, I do.” Shrugging off her grip, I turned away, jogging towards the corral. For the first time, I was grateful that Lily had insisted I learn to ride. I needed to move fast. I might already be too late.

Chapter Text

When I hear the Devil calling,

gotta pay him what he’s due,

I can’t stop the dogs of war.

Dogs of War – Blues Saraceno

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The apes were already parted, some craning their necks along the trench, but most focused on treating the wounded, or recovering the dead. Striding along, I felt their eyes upon me but didn’t look round, keeping my own gaze fixed ahead, where I could see Winter, Caesar, Luca, and Maurice focused on something in front of them. My feet quicken, and I slip past them, skidding to a halt as the object of their attention comes into view.

            Five figures, one ape and four humans. I scan the faces and don’t find the ones I’m looking for. My heart thumps unevenly with traitorous relief.

            Having confirmed John’s absence, I looked again. Two of the soldiers I don’t remember, though, from their expressions, they know who I am. The other two I do recognise; Preacher, his young face barely more mature than the last time I saw it, and Travis, an older man with a rough beard.

            “You!” It was Travis who lunged, ignored the apes as he threw himself at me. He didn’t get very far, Luca stepping forwards and throwing him back down.

            I flinched back but faced them again.

            “We thought you were dead too,” one of the other soldiers, a woman, said bitterly.

            “Hoped,” Travis corrected her, as he looked up at me from the ground.

            “Well you didn’t hope hard enough,” I said. Looking over them all again, my eyes lingered this time on the ape. It was Red. He held my gaze, somehow matching my surge of hatred with his. With an effort, I looked away. He was Caesar’s to deal with.

            Turning my gaze back to the soldiers, I spotted something that made my anger flare again. Moving forward, I ripped Preacher’s helmet from his head, ignoring his accusatory gaze. Turning it over in my hands, I looked at the two symbols etched into the side of it. An ‘A’ and a horseshoe shape. Alpha and Omega.

            “What is this?” I asked quietly, crouching down in front of him.

            “Alpha Omega. We are the beginning and the end,” the same female soldier as before spoke again.

            I lunged, smacking their bare face with the helmet in my hands. Blood sprayed everywhere, and they spat out a tooth before picking themselves up again. From the look they gave me, they would have returned the attack if it hadn’t been for the apes behind me.

            “I know what it means,” I said coldly, returning to my original position, looking directly at Preacher. “I was there in San Francisco when the people wearing it fire-bombed a hospital full of people. Not just sick people either. Doctors. Families. That’s what it means.”

            There’s half a beat of silence.

            “How long have you been wearing it?” I asked.

            “Does it matter?”

            I shook my head slowly. “I guess not.” It wasn’t the answer I wanted anyway. I told myself that it didn’t really matter whether or not John had agreed to this, but it didn’t stop the words hovering on the edge of my tongue.

            To stop myself asking, I flipped the helmet over in my hands, baring the two symbols again. Bracing it between my knees, I dug out my knife and set to work, scratching away at the markings, engraving a deep line across them. No one said a word as I worked, or as I placed the helmet down in front of Preacher when I finished.

            He looked down at the marred letters as I turned away, moving back to Caesar’s side.

            “What now?” I ask him quietly, searching his face. There had never been human survivors before.

            “Just kill us already,” Travis snarled.

            I turned, looking back over my shoulder at him. Caesar raised a hand to my face, touching the place on my cheek when I still carried a faint scar, a testament to what the soldiers had done last time they’d had one of our side in their power.

            “Shut the hell up!” another soldier hissed, as I met Caesar’s gaze.

            “What?!” Travis shot back, looking through us all. “They’re animals, he’s just gonna slaughter us.”

            Dropping his hand from my face, Caesar moved forwards. All eyes were on him at once, every breath held in trepidation. Turning, I took his place, returning Winter’s soft touch of reassurance on my arm.

            “I did not start this war,” Caesar said. “The ape who did is dead. His name was Koba. I killed him. Now, I fight only to protect apes.”

            “You’re lying,” Travis said, though he voice was wavering, and he’d shrunk back as Caesar approached.

            “It’s true,” I said softly. “I was there. I saw Koba die before you even arrived. I told you to go home. You have no fight here.”

            “Like we’d believe you,” Preacher spoke up, his eyes hard.

            “You say you protect apes… what about him?” Travis cut in, jerking his head sideways at Red. “And we’ve got ten more just like him.”

            We all looked along at Red, who had yet to look up at us. It didn’t suit him, highlighting the scars across his back and head. I wondered if any of them were from bullets I’d fired, and wished I’d had better aim.

            “I know these apes,” Caesar said. “They followed Koba. Tried to kill others after he died. Tried to kill me.”

            I had to quench the urge to spit contemptuously on the ground.

            “They fear what I will do to them, so now, they serve you, just to survive.”

            “I no fear you,” Red spoke at last, his words halting and broken. “You must fear. How long you think woods can protect you? Humans destroy you. Their Colonel has all power. Humans follow all he say. To them, he more than just human. He everything.”

            There were hoots and barking calls from behind me, from either anger or fear. My own blood was boiling as my hand found the gun at my waist. How dare he?! He’d betrayed them, turned on them. Now he thought to threaten us?

            Winter drew back, curling in on himself as Red’s hard gaze swept over us all.

            “He say: first Caesar die,” Red continued with relish, “then, you all die.”

            Spear, a young ape to the right, snapped first, snapping out a quick series of blows and throwing Red to the ground. I was seconds behind him, gun out and pressed against the back of the gorilla’s head. I wouldn’t miss this time…

            A hand on my shoulder made me pause, though I hated the hesitation. I didn’t need to look back to know that it was Caesar who had stopped me. With angry reluctance, I stepped back, turning away rather than look at the other soldiers.

            “Take him away,” Caesar signed.

            Grinding my teeth, I shoved my gun away as I watched Luca jerk his head to call Winter forwards. The white ape hesitated, shuffling his feet and looking away briefly before obeying the order. Pulling the darker gorilla up, both quickly shuffled out of sight.

            “Mistake,” I signed to Caesar.

            His eyes saw the word, following the movement of my hands, but he made no response.

            Teeth gritted, I glanced away, back to the soldiers, who showed no worry at all for their companion.

            “What do with them?” Luca signed.

            Caesar’s sharp eyes roved over the four kneeling figures, some of whom met his gaze, others staring determinately at the floor. Then he turned to me, focusing on my cheek again, a question in his gaze.

            “Don’t look at me,” I signed quickly, taking a physical step backwards.

            “Have no past with this,” Maurice signed, watching the humans.

            I followed his gaze, turning my attention back to the soldiers, watching their eyes flickered between the apes and the conversation they couldn’t follow. Now that I looked freely, I could see the symbol of Alpha Omega everywhere. Carved into their gears, tattooed under their skin. One of them even had it branded into the side of his head. I turned away.

            “No,” Caesar signed. “They are an opportunity.”

            I’d missed too much of the discussion to bother trying to understand but watched with trepidation as Caesar turned briefly back to the soldiers.

            “Bring them,” he signed, turned and walking away.

            As always, his orders were obeyed instantly, Spear, Luca, and two other apes each grabbing one of the soldiers by the arms and pulling them roughly upright, pulling them after their leader.

            “You going to let them do this?” Travis threw at me as he squirmed, trying to throw off Spear’s grip.

            “I don’t think there’s any confusion now about which side I’m on,” I shot back, having to turn as he was pulled past me.

            The female soldier, last in the line, spat at me as she was shoved past. It felt short, but my jaw still clenched before I followed along behind them. I didn’t know what Caesar was thinking and I was acutely aware of the gun at the back of my waist, but I knew if that was what he had in mind, he wouldn’t ask me to do it.

            The apes were all watching our strange procession pass, their eyes wary but expectant. I felt the same.

            When I saw the horses, I was confused. Was Caesar leaving again? Placing the fate of the soldiers in the hands on those they’d attacked?

            Not until Preacher was roughly shoved up onto one of the animals did I understand.

            “You’re letting us go?” Preacher asked, twisting around in confusion as the rest of the soldiers were mounted up as well, two on each horse.

            “Tell your Colonel, you have seen me now,” Caesar said. “And I have a message for him; leave us the woods, and the killing can stop.”

            I jumped down from the ledge before anyone else could speak.

            “Will make sure they get to the right place,” I signed to Caesar, turning away before he could reply, and taking the head of Preacher’s horse, pulling it along after me.     

            None of us spoke until the apes were out of sight behind us.

            “What are you doing?” It was Preacher.

            I didn’t respond.

            “They see you, they’ll kill you,” Travis pointed out harshly.

            That was undoubtedly true, but I had no intention of getting close enough to the soldier’s camp to confirm it.

            I maintained my silence the entire journey, walking in front of them to the grey area of the territories controlled by neither the apes or the soldiers. Beside a tall tree trunk, I pulled the horse to a stop, climbing up. From this vantage, I was a couple of feet about the soldiers, and Travis had to tilt his head to squint up at me.

            “What?” he asked suspiciously.

            “Keep still,” I said pleasantly, “or I’ll take your eye out.”

            I gave him half a second to absorb that before grabbing his head and tilting it away from me. One quick slash with my knife and blood welled up, dripping down the side of his face as he cursed at the sudden pain.

            “That’s my message,” I said, watching the blood continue to drip from the cut across his brand, marring the two Greek letters. “Get out of here. That way.”

            Preacher, flashing an unnerved look up at me, urged his horse forwards, perhaps before I decided to do the same thing to him as well. The second horse followed eagerly under the nervous guidance of the female soldier. Both these two gave me unmasked looks of disgust and suspicion as they passed. I couldn’t have cared less, jumping down off the tree stump as they disappeared from sight and retracing our steps slowly.

            The woods were alive with sound, but they’d never felt more silent. Just over a year and a half since I’d last encountered any of the soldiers. I’d been cursed, spat at, and wished dead. And John’s name hadn’t even been mentioned.

Chapter Text

And with the cataclysm raining down

Insides crying, "save me now!"

You were there, impossibly alone.

Iridescent – Linkin Park

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My eyes were still dry when I reached the first outcrop of rock that hinted at the rugged valley the apes had made their home. The roar of the river masked the noise of their presence, and I was able to ignore them all, eyes down, as I strode through their midst. There was only one person I wanted to see, and as hard as I tried to search surreptitiously out of the corners of my eyes, they still managed to find me first.

            At the touch on my arm, I swung around, the left-over tension from the morning’s events still sharp in my veins. Lily’s wide eyes were concerned as she hesitated, hand still outstretched. For a moment, I just stared at her, with the slightly random thought that my eyes might be just as wide as hers. Then I stepped into her, dropping my head to her shoulder as I wrapped my arms around her. She returned the embrace willingly but with a hint of hesitation. For the very first time in my life, I wished that I was shorter; I wanted to be engulfed, to be lost, to be held by someone who could surround me, and block out the entirety of the world.

            Lily guided me away from the rest of the apes, into a small compartment formed by some convenient boulders, shielding us from view on most sides.

            “What happened?” she asked softly.

            I stared straight ahead, to the opposite valley wall, and had no idea what to say. There was a tightness in the small of my back, but I was sure that if it relaxed, I would start shaking.

            “Was it him?”

            My head jerked up, and I found that Lily wasn’t looking at me, but at her fingers, entwined with my own. I didn’t need to ask who she meant.

            “No,” I said, my voice hoarser than I’d expected.

            She looked away, out from our private little shelter, blinking rapidly.

            No one even mentioned his name. “He might be dead,” I said viciously, to stop myself saying anything else.

            Lily’s head snapped back around to look at me again, her face studiously blank.

            My free hand, clenched on the ground, found a small pebble, and I flung it away, coming to my feet as I watched it land in the river. “I hate this,” I snarled. “I hate it.”

            Hands came around my waist from behind, and a light pressure between my shoulder blades told me Lily was resting her head on my back. She couldn’t put her chin on my shoulder. It wasn’t even that she was particularly short, I was just too tall. It was my fault. Always my fault.

            “We’re fighting them, and we shouldn’t be, and everyone’s dying,” I said morosely.

            “You don’t think we should be fighting them?” Lily asked, her tone lighter than the words should have been.

            “I don’t think we should have to,” I clarified bitterly. “I wish we’d never fixed the power. I wish they’d never put out the call on the radio. I wish…” I closed my eyes and sighed. “If only things could have been different.” That thought had been hanging over me for years. If only, if only, if only.

            “Would you take it back, if you could? Make it so none of this had happened?”

            The question was not one I’d expected, and my eyes roved over the apes while I thought. Would I go back? Undo it all? Bring back all the people, all that we’d lost, and wipe out everything that had happened? Cornelia, Maurice, Rocket, Winter, Caesar… they would all have been living vividly different lives, unaware of so much. Blue Eyes and Cornelius wouldn’t even exist.

            “Would you?” I asked, turning my head to direct the question at Lily.

            She was just as silent as I had been and for a second I wondered if that was because she didn’t have an answer, or if she didn’t think I’d like the answer she would give.

            For a few moments, we were both silent, watching the dead being given to the churning river, the dark shapes being carried quickly away. Then, a hoot, loud and demanding, brought our attention back from our far-off thoughts.

            Without needing to discuss it, we both bounded up the slope, slipping on the slick rocks and catching ourselves on our hands. Lily gained the smooth path before me and looked back with a worried expression on her face. In seconds I was beside her, using the advantage of my height to see over the heads of the apes blocking her view.

            Two horses stood at the far end of the path, both devoid of riders, but the tight cluster of apes thronging around them made me sure the newcomers were being warmly welcomed. My mind immediately began to churn, trying to work out who it could be. Not just a simple scouting mission around the forest, there was never this much excitement when they came back. I didn’t have long to think about it, for the centre of the mass was moving swiftly towards us. My hand found Lily’s, gripping it tightly. I’d thought that I was all out of hope, but I found a spark of it within my chest in those few seconds.

            I saw Rocket first, his grey head quickly recognisable. Then the crowd shifted, and I saw a flash of old wounds, long since healed to scars, and a pair of distinctive eyes. The breath I drew in was painful, my whole body clenching at the unexpectedly strong surge of emotion that flooded me. Knees locked, I couldn’t move, caught helplessly in place as Caesar moved into view, an arm around the shoulders of his elder son.

            Blue Eyes saw me, his mouth falling open in a pant, but he made no move to come forward. The distance between us was suddenly unbearable. I strode forwards, and he mirrored me. We collided in a tangle of limbs and mixed laughter and I breathed at last.

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The scene was repeated many times over, with Cornelia and Cornelius, with Lake, with Maurice and so many others. My smile only grew wider with each one, and I couldn’t take my eyes off him, even once Cornelius had climbed up onto my shoulders—a trick he was really getting too big for—and Lily had taken my hand. It was probably an hour before the excitement had died down enough for Caesar’s council to assemble properly. I sat between Lily and Winter, who was hunched and withdrawn. The news that Red has escaped his custody made me uneasy and had affected him even more deeply. Despite my giddy joy at the return of Rocket and Blue, I spared a second to press my shoulder against his. The show of solidarity didn’t particularly seem to reassure him, but there was little else I could do, so I turned my attention back to the centre of the group.

            The rough map, drawn by my own hands, sent a jolt through my heart as Blue Eyes spread it out between us all. He’d carried it with him all this time, touching a piece of me every time he looked at it. I wiped my eyes quickly as everyone leaned in, peering closely at a spot Blue Eyes was pointing to.

            “Here, Father,” he signed to Caesar, almost quivering with excitement. “We all start over. New home.”

            I twisted my head around, trying to work out where he was pointing to. With the map upside down, and faded from age, it was difficult to make out. So intent was I upon the map that I completely missed Cornelia’s question, only looking up at the movement of her hands out the corner of my eye.

            In response, Blue Eyes reached behind him, picking up a pouch and digging his hand inside. We all tensed expectantly as he held up a clenched fist and then opened it. Sand poured from between his fingers, scattering on the ground with a hiss. The other apes hooted with various emotions as I glanced sideways at Lily. She returned my gaze with wide eyes.

            “Desert,” Blue Eyes signed. “Rocket, I, cross it. Long journey, humans not find us.”

            Caesar and Cornelia exchanged a glance, some shared message, but my head was spinning too much to be able to follow their thoughts. Even the weight of Cornelius in my lap wasn’t enough to rein in my whirling thoughts. I felt lost in a whirlwind. So much had happened so fast.

            “Must leave tonight!” Winter signed, the frantic movements of his hands next to me drawing my attention.

            “Tonight? Impossible,” Lake objected from her place beside Blue Eyes.

            “Cannot wait! Soldiers get closer,” Winter argues, and I found myself nodding.

            Blue Eyes reached out to Winter, but the gorilla shrugged him off, jumping up with an angry jerk of his arm.

            In an instant, everyone was on their feet, Cornelia, Blue, and Lake all stepping backwards. Cornelius scuttled out of my lap to hide behind me, Luca and Maurice towered menacingly, but Winter didn’t back down, snarling up at them. It was only when Caesar rose to his feet, chest puffed out, face hard with anger that Winter’s head lowered.

            “Son was gone,” Winter signed, his hand almost twisting as he formed the fist that finished the sign with the force of his emotion. “Not know how hard for us here.”

            Caesar made no response, but Blue, without glancing around at his father, reached out once more to touch Winter’s arm.

            “Know you scared,” he signed, without judgement. “All are, but we still planning.”

            Caesar’s eyes met mine, and I spoke up as if we were alone, and he’d asked me explicitly for my opinion.

            “Lake is right,” I said, the group focussing on me. “It’s impossible to leave tonight. But Winter is right too; there’s no point delaying.”

            The apes, given someone other than Winter to focus on, were slowly returning to their original places around the map.

            “You know the place?” Caesar asked me.

            Reaching out, I swivelled the map around, looking at it properly, orientating my poor drawing against my memories of proper maps.

            “Desert. Possibly somewhere in Utah,” I murmured, frowning to myself. “Or you might have gotten all the way to the Rocky Mountains. Whichever one, it’s a long way.” I looked up. “Blue is right, they wouldn’t find you. Latitudinally it’s not that different to here, the climate is probably similar, without the sea mists. I don’t know, I’ve never been there.”

            “I came through the Rockies,” Lily said, frowning beside me, “but it was much further north.”

            “What was it like?” I asked her.

            She shrugged. “Depended on what altitude you went up to, really.”

            “Leave now!” Winter signed again.

            No one responded, but I looked at Caesar, raising an eyebrow. He, in turn, looked to his son.

            “It’s a good place,” Blue Eyes said aloud.

            Caesar’s eyes flicked to Rocket, who nodded. His sharp eyes turned back to me, unwavering. I was the one to look away, glancing around the cave.

            Will’s house, a refuge stolen from him. Who knew where he had been, what he’d lost next. Then the woods. The camp burned to ash. Now here, built up, adapted by the combined work of many hands. Yet another home to be snatched away from them.

            “Jac.”

            I looked back up at him, trying to smooth the bitter anger from my face. Was everything doomed to be unfair?

            “Are you with us?”

            My heart broke and was re-forged instantly.

            “Always.” I signed fiercely, hurt that he could have doubted me. “Promise.”

Chapter Text

Said you’d always be my white blood,

Elevate my soul above.

Giving me your white blood,

I need you right here with me,

Here with me.

White Blood – Oh Wonder

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The mountain became a hive of activity for the last hour of daylight. Apes knuckled quickly past, carrying messages, supplies, instructions. Lily seemed to be packed in seconds, no doubt a skill from her years of moving around. I took longer but was ready by the time the sun sank, throwing a few last rays of light onto the waterfall. Standing with my arms crossed, I watched the water sparkle as it fell out of sight. Another change, but much though I hated this one, it felt inevitable. We’d fought, made our stand, and been pushed back. Too many times, we’d been pushed back. The apes could not win against the humans. It was so clear to me now.

            A large figure moved up beside me, pale in the gathering gloom. I glanced briefly at Winter.

            “Alright? Ready to go?” I asked, trying to inject a briskness into my tone.

            He didn’t respond instantly, rocking slightly on his feet.

            “Jac!”

            I looked the other way, my eyes finding Lily, with Cornelius on her shoulders, swaying. Lily looked haggard, and I grinned. Raising a hand to indicate that I was coming, I gave Winter a final look, then hesitated. He looked scared. Turning away from Lily, I focused on him properly.

            “It’s going to be okay,” I said. “You heard Blue, this new place will be good, for everyone.” Reaching out, I pushed on his shoulder gently. “We’ll walk together, tomorrow. Talk.” With a final reassuring smile that he looked aside from, I turned away, striding over to pluck Cornelius from Lily, who sighed in relief.

            “Come on, Munchkin,” I said, my old nickname for him making him pant with laughter. “Let’s see what the others are up to.”

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It took a while for Cornelius to settle with his family – no longer a baby, it wasn’t as easy to wait for him to crave the comfort of his mother anymore. By the time I was disentangled from him, it was almost completely dark. Lily and I made our way through the tunnels by memory, the torches of the patrolling apes a welcome intermittent reprieve from the darkness.

            In the blackness of our now sparsely furnished cave, we lay down side by side, faces turned away from each other but shoulders pressed together. The silence, broken only by the occasional soft call, weighed heavily on me. As always, the night was full of accusing faces. My mind went over and over possibilities for the next day until, finally, I dropped off to sleep.

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Gunshots woke me.

            For half a second, I was frozen, trapped in fear and confusion. Then Lily moved beside me and the spell was broken. Rolling over, I scrambled to my feet, losing precious seconds as I extracted my gun from beside my pack before racing to the entrance. There, we both paused, listening. One way, Lake, Jasmine, Oren, many of the other mothers and young. The other way, Caesar, Blue, Cornelia, Cornelius.

            Shoving me to the left, Lily took off running to the right. With no time to call after her, I sent her a wave of emotion from my heart and raced away in the direction she’d pushed me, towards my family.

            More gunfire chased me through the dark tunnels, echoing from behind me, and cracking ahead of me. I lengthened my strides until I heard someone approaching from behind, fast. Spinning, I raised my gun, hands shaking from exertion. It was an ape who barrelled around the corner, and I barely had time to register Caesar’s face before he passed me. I sprinted after him, though he was much too fast for me to keep up. More gunshots. If I’d had enough breath, I might have whimpered.

            Please, please, please, please.

            The word ran around my head like a prayer, emphasising every footfall with the desperation of my plea.

            Please, please, please.

            Rounding the final corner, I somehow found the reserves to put on another burst of speed but in the next second, my legs had locked and I caught myself on the lip of the cave as gunfire exploded all around me. Flinching back, ears ringing, I just caught a glimpse of a human figure leaping backwards through the waterfall, spraying bullets in their wake.

            Heart pounding, I didn’t even have time to look around the rest of the cave before a streak of dark movement crossed it.

            “Caesar!” I screamed after him, the sound lost in my ringing ears. It was much too late and he launched himself through the waterfall. I knew a moment of utter terror, watching him fall to Koba’s bullet again. I was ready to turn and find a path outside, though it would no doubt be too late by the time I got out there when something else made me stop. Made my world shatter.

            Two dark shapes lay motionless on the floor, lit by the flickering torches all around the cave. Leaping forwards though I knew it was too late, I dropped to the ground beside them. Cornelia lay on her back, chest covered in blood, head turned towards her son.

            “No,” I moaned, feeling the vibrations of the word through my chest, rather than my ears. “No, no, no.”

            Blue Eyes’ namesakes were half-open, his expression dull and vacant. It made him look like nothing more than an animal.

            My hands reached out, but couldn’t make contact, shaking in the air above them both. This family, torn apart… Something clicked, and I looked up, wiping my face as I searched for a third body. It wasn’t there.

            “Cornelius?” The word barely whispered through my recovering ears. Not enough, not enough. “Cornelius!” On my feet again, I whipped around, looking everywhere for a hint of brown fur. “CORNELIUS!”

            Where was he? Had they taken him? Oh God, the thought alone was enough to make me shake all over. That would certainly have been enough to send Caesar on his wild leap out into the waterfall, but the lone figure I’d seen certainly hadn’t been holding him… Had there been more?

            Slowing, I came to a halt, trying to think, to imagine how it would have been. Surely the soldiers had entered the same way they had left, through the waterfall. Caesar had not been here. That left Cornelia and Blue with Cornelius. I nearly broke again at the thought of them standing together, upright and full of life. Choking down a sob, I shook my head. Cornelius was so much smaller, he wasn’t a fighter yet. So what would he have done?

            My eyes snapped open. Hid. Surely Cornelia would have told her younger son to hide, not knowing she would never see him again… Throwing off the dark, intruding thoughts, I tried to imagine the young ape scampering away. Not too far perhaps, not far enough to escape the sound of gunshots, or maybe even the sight of blood spraying from his mother’s chest… He would be scared, anxious, afraid. And my screaming wouldn’t help.

            “Cornelius?” I called again, my voice wavering now at a lower volume. “It’s okay, it’s me, it’s Jac. Where are you, Munchkin? It’s okay, please come out. It’s only me.”

            A sound.

            I turned. A small hand, wide eyes.

            It was hard not to run to him, but I made myself be slow, stepping around the bodies of his mother and brother to approach him, watching him draw back.

            “It’s okay,” I breathed, holding out my arms.

            He came to me in a great rush, wrapping himself into my chest, though his head poked over my shoulder, still gazing at the place where his family had fallen. I turned with him in my arms, bearing the sight in order to turn him away. My tears of mixed grief and relief fell onto his fur until new movement made me look up. Someone was coming up the tunnel. Many someones, judging by the amount of light flickering on the walls. Friends, or foe? There was no sound, or perhaps my ears were not yet sensitive to pick it up. Either way, I couldn’t tell if it was apes or humans. I glanced once more at Blue Eyes and Cornelia, but there was nothing more I could do for them. Clutching Cornelius tighter to me, I turned to the tunnel he’d emerged from and fled.

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We lost track of time, cramped into a dark niche of rock, hidden from the world. There was very little sound, only the occasional outcry or whimper. We tuned out the sounds, not interested in their origin, or meaning. We couldn’t hide forever though. Eventually, two voices filtered through to our numb mind, and we had to listen.

            “She definitely came this way.”

            “Yes. Heard her.”

            “And she didn’t come back. Did she follow you?”

            A snort. “Doubt it.”

            We knew those voices. They were safety, they meant that it was okay. They were family.

            I could have remained hiding, despite Lily and Caesar’s voices, but Cornelius stirred and suddenly we were two instead of one. With some difficulty, I shuffled out of the tiny space we’d been crammed into, my arms still tight around the young ape, and began to wind my way slowly back down the tunnel.

            “What about Cornelius? Any sign of him?”

            Cornelius stirred again at his name, looking out from where he’d buried his face in my chest. Despite myself, I slowed my steps as I approached the final corner. What would be waiting around it? Were the bodies still there? I couldn’t put it off forever though.

            Caesar saw us first, rising to his feet as his arms reached for his only remaining son. Cornelius leapt from me at once, racing to his father. Lily passed him halfway, coming towards me with equal speed.

            Staggering backwards, I caught us both from falling, but barely, holding what felt like Lily’s full weight in my arms. Past her shoulder, I saw Maurice and Luca, watching Caesar hold his son tightly.

            “Don’t you ever do that again,” Lily panted, her voice tight. “I thought you were dead.”

            I opened my mouth, to tell her that I wasn’t, that I was okay, but I couldn’t find the words. I wasn’t okay. I simply tightened my grip on her, feeling her shaking.

            It wasn’t until I pulled back that I realised her weight wasn’t on me by accident. Her face was pale and tight and she wobbled as I introduced some distance between us.

            “Lily?” It took me only seconds to find the large red patch running down her leg from her upper thigh. “Christ! You’re hurt!”

            Pulling her arm over my shoulders, I half lifted, half dragged her across to a rock, pushing her down forcefully.

            “I’m okay, it’s just—ouch!”

            She flinched as I poked about with her torn pant leg.

            “What happened?” I growled.

            “I might have gotten shot.” She hissed in pain as I felt the warmth of fresh blood on my fingers. “Maybe.”

            I growled again, a wordless noise of frustration. “Put pressure on it. Is there an exit wound?”

            “Stop,” Lily said, pushing me away. “I’ll be fine. Few weeks of rest, new scar. No big deal.”

            The pain on his face told me she was making light of it, but her eyes flickered past me and I slowed. I didn’t want to look back, to see the bodies of those who wouldn’t recover, but I had to.

            Caesar was watching me, releasing his hold on his son very reluctantly to sign.

            “Thank you. You protect him. Again.”

            I shook my head. “I was too late.” My throat seemed to close, and I had to force down a sob. With a supreme effort and many deep breaths, I fought to speak again. “Who was it?”

            “You no see?” Maurice asked from the side.

            I shook my head. “I saw them, but only very briefly. It was dark.” My eyes found Caesar again. “Did you see? Did you see who it was?”

            “Colonel.”

            I went still.

            Pitiless eyes, a bald head, tight lines around the mouth.

            “He was here,” I asked carefully. “Him? He… himself? It wasn’t just…”

            Caesar was shaking his head. “Was him.”

            My eyes closed.

            I’m not fussy about what I have to do to get it… You’ll be moved every hour, day and night… Have you ever stayed under water a bit too long?... You’ll find out what that feels like… Then we’ll see how many more fingers you want to lose.

            “You’re sure?” I asked him, my voice shaking as I opened my eyes.

            Caesar didn’t say anything, just looked at me, and the expression on his face made my already-numb heart falter with new fear.

Chapter Text

I loved and I loved and I lost you,

I loved and I loved and I lost you,

I loved and I loved and I lost you,

And it hurts like hell.

Hurts like Hell - Fleurie

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Dawn came quickly, bursting like an unexpected flower, blooming out of season. How could the sun bear to rise after such a dark night? I settled Lily on her horse, watching her grit her teeth against the pain in her injured leg.

            “Okay?” I asked, checking her bag was secure.

            She nodded. “You need to sort your own stuff out.”

            “Don’t worry, I’ve got time,” I smiled but she wasn’t convinced.

            Reaching down, she grabbed my arm. “Jac…”

            Looking up at her, I searched her scared face.

            “Please…”

            She knew.

            I returned her grip. “You’re going to be okay,” I said.

            “No,” she shook her head. “No, not without you.”

            I twisted my arm from her fingers, stepping back.

            “I love you,” she said, before I could turn away.

            Looking up at her, I felt a twist in my chest. “And I love you.”

            “Then come. Come with us. Come with me.”

            My smile softened. “Lily. I’ll be right beside you. Where else would I be?”

            Taking a deep breath, she nodded. Smile still held on my face, I turned and walked away. Twelve years of lying, and I thought that one would possibly haunt me the most.

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In the woods, high above the assembled apes, tucked into the undergrowth, I watched through my binoculars. Try though I might, I couldn’t keep the lenses away from Lily. She spent the whole time looking over the heads of the apes, giving only distracted or snappish answers to direct questions. I knew what, who, she was waiting for. But I also knew that I was right, and it took less than an hour for it to be proven.

            Caesar moved among the apes, holding Cornelius’s hand, looking around him as he went. When he found Lily, alone, he paused. They watched each other for a moment, neither saying a word. Then Caesar turned away, moving instead to Lake. I watched him hand off his son with gritted teeth and trembling hands. More than anything, I wanted to be there, to shove him, scream at him. But I’d suspected from the minute I’d looked at him with Blue Eyes’s body still warm beside us, that he was going after the Colonel. And I knew that if I had been down there, no matter what I’d said or done, Caesar would have handed his son to me and walked away, and I wouldn’t have been able to put Cornelius aside. His scared and grief-stricken cries tore at my heart even from this distance. So I hadn’t given Caesar the option.

            Because I couldn’t help myself, I looked once more at Lily. She was staring at Caesar’s retreating back with a mixture of shock and sudden understanding. She turned abruptly, eyes searching the surrounding forest. With one last pang of grief, I put down the binoculars and wiggled backwards, careful not to disturb too many branches that could give away my position. I’d been right about Caesar’s plan. Now I had to decide what to do about it.

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I found him heading west, towards the coast, trotting along an open path. Urging my own horse faster, hanging on grimly, I burst out onto the path a few feet ahead of him. He’d seen me coming, and slowed, a hard expression on his face.

            “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” I spat, yanking my horse around harshly to face him, blocking the path.

            “Are you going to try and stop me?”

            “I shouldn’t have to!” I shouted, both the horses tossing their heads at the volume of my voice. “What are you thinking?”

            “My wife, my son, are dead!” Caesar snarled back, his anger rising to match mine.

            “You think you were the only one who loved them?!”

            “Then you should know why I must go after him!”

            “And what about Cornelius?!” I demanded. “You still have a son. One who just lost his mother, and his brother, quite possibly witnessed it. He needs you now. And what? You’re just going to turn your back, leave him? Is he not enough? Is revenge so much more important?”

            “It’s not just that,” Caesar growled. “They know where our home is now. They can come back, can block our route out. If I kill him, they will all come after me, give others a better chance to get you.”

            “Oh, don’t bullshit me, Caesar,” I snapped. “Yeah, the soldiers know where you guys were. That means they can go straight back there. Could even be on their way right now. Maybe they get there and the others have left already. How long do you think it will take them to find their trail, circle around and cut them off? Or even work out which is their most likely route and get ahead of them? Do you really think you can find and kill McCullough before that happens?” I shook my head bitterly. “No.”

            We stared at each other for a second.

            “You know, I never thought I would have reason to call you selfish,” I said. “But if you were really thinking about them, you’d still be with them. So don’t pretend like you’re doing this for anyone but yourself.”

            “And you?” Caesar shot back.

            “What about me?”

            “Why are you here?”

            “To stop you!”

            “Why?”

            “Wh—? So that Cornelius still has some of his family, that’s why!”

            “Is that all?”

            Angry, I threw up my hands. “Just say what you’re thinking, because I’m not in the mood to play games with you.”

            “You still protect them.”

            I gaped at him.

            “That one… you kissed. You love him.”

            For a long moment, I couldn’t speak. After several breaths, I chose my words carefully. “How many times are you going to doubt me?” I asked, my voice shaking with emotion. “I have never betrayed you. And if you weren’t grieving, I don’t think you would accuse me of it now. AND,” I spoke over his as he opened his mouth, “yeah, John and I had something. And maybe I could have loved him. But you know what? I loved you more. Loved your sons more. And perhaps you could notice which side I’m standing on—which side I’ve always been on.”

            There was a long silence in which neither of us spoke. When it was broken, it came in the form of hoofbeats from behind Caesar. He turned at once, both of us watching three more horses approach us, carrying Luca, Maurice, and Rocket. I let out a weary breath. Maybe they would have better luck convincing him.

            They’ve barely reached us when Caesar shakes his head, but Luca signs before he can speak.

            “Soldier camp always moving, My guards think where it is. I take you,” Luca signed.

            “You’ll need me to back you up,” Rocket chimed in as well.

            “No,” Caesar said.

            Rocket’s face hardened slightly. “Please. Know feeling, to lose a son.”

            “I might not make it back,” Caesar said, and my hands tightened angrily on my reins.

            “That why I come,” Maurice signed, in his deliberate way. “To make sure you do.”

            Caesar seemed to hesitate, torn, then gave half a nod. My heart sank as he turned his horse, facing me again, but this time with allies at his back.

            I shook my head. “You won’t make it back,” I said hopelessly.

            Caesar did nothing, just looked at me.

            “I won’t follow you on a suicide mission,” I said. “I can’t.”

            “Then stay out of my way,” Caesar said, kicking his horse forward, pushing past me.

            I watched him go in horror, followed by the other three.

            “You were supposed to stop him,” I signed as they passed me. None of them responded. Turning my horse, I watched them riding stiffly away.

            “You’re going to get yourself killed!” I shouted after their retreating backs. “How does that help anyone?!”

            They didn’t look back, and as Caesar kicked his horse into a faster pace, the others followed him, leaving me alone.

Chapter Text

Here we come now on a dark star,

Seeing demons, not what we are.

The Flood – Take That

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Quite why I did it, I wasn’t sure. Maybe I wasn’t ready to go back to the troop, to look at Lily and Cornelius and admit that I’d failed. Maybe I wasn’t ready to give up on him yet. Whatever the reason, I followed the quartet of apes, keeping far back enough that I rarely saw them, tracking their horses’ fresh hoofprints along the muddy paths, guessing on a direction wherever the ground was too hard to leave a trail.

            My emotions slipped away as I tracked them towards the coast, a blank hopelessness covering my anger. It was at that point that I nearly gave up and turned away. Doing so would have required action, however, so I just let my horse keep walking, barely paying attention…

            The gunshot startled us both, the horse jumping sideways, unseating me even as I scrambled with the reins. It took several seconds for me to regain control, battling the dancing animal until it stilled, both of us staring off to the right. Only one gunshot. With a frown, I ignored the path to the right, instead urging my horse forwards. I knew this area a little – the path ahead rose and curved and would hopefully offer me a view of what was happening.

            I let the horse pick its own way along the ridge, peering down through the trees and listening hard. There hadn’t been any more gunfire, but I wasn’t very reassured by that.

            Yanking suddenly on the reins, to which the horse gave a disgruntled snort and stretched its neck in retaliation, I stared sideways, eyes fixed on a point through the trees, where I could see a body. He was slumped on the ground, blood soaking into the earth around his chest. There was no other sign of movement, but four horses that I recognised were standing in the treeline. My eyes returned to the body, then continued on, looking over the ground of wooden huts. There was only about half a dozen of them, two with wisps of smoke rising from the chimneys, the others silent. It was nowhere near large enough to house the Colonel’s army. They must be closer to the coast then. I nudged my horse forwards again without even thinking about it and almost stopped it again immediately. Why was I doing this? I didn’t have a good reason. I let the horse keep walking anyway, then nudged it again to move faster. Hopefully, Caesar and his companions would be distracted for a while and I could stay ahead of them.

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It was almost too easy to find the soldiers. Their camp was further north than it had been when I’d been among them, but they’d stayed close to the beach, no doubt taking advantage of the easy travelling up and down the coast. Leaving my horse deep in the trees, I made my careful way to a spot with a good view, bracing my shoulder on a tree trunk as I raise my binoculars to my face. The camp was a hive of activity, soldiers moving everywhere, wrapping up bundles of cloth in pairs, carrying boxes back and forth to a convoy of trucks at the north side of the sea of tents. Frowning, I scanned the outskirts carefully. All around the remaining tents were patches of compressed sand in neat rectangles. Spots where tents used to be, now bare. They were breaking camp.

            Lowering my binoculars, I retreated slightly, skirting among the trees, working my way closer to the trucks. A spur in the forest let me get without 30 feet or so, to the point where I barely needed the binoculars. I held them to my cheeks anyway as I watched, ready to raise them if I needed to. It was only seconds later that two figures ducked out of a tent and my heart went instantly cold.

            One of them was unfamiliar to me. The other was Colonel John McCullough. Jerking back behind the tree, I had to bite my arm to stop myself from whimpering. The fear was irrational, I knew that. Just a shock reaction. Taking deep breaths, I unlocked my jaw, peering around the tree again. Nothing happened; no sudden spike of fear. I watched the Colonel with an impassive gaze. He had killed Blue Eyes. My fists clenched.

            “I don’t care!” he said suddenly, voice raised as he rounded on the other soldier. “Just get rid of it!” With that, he stormed away, passing within throwing distance of my hiding place before stopping at the cab of a truck, talking to someone through the open window.

            Slowly, I slipped my hand to the small of my back, fingers tracing the grip of the gun hidden there. He was so close. It would be easy. There was another truck between us that I could use for cover. It was practically guaranteed…

            For Blue…

            Even as I tensed, ready to move, he stepped away, moving around to the other side of the truck and climbing in, the door slamming on my opportunity. Teeth gritted, I looked away, back towards the soldier who had been talking to the Colonel. He had just emerged from the tent again, this time carrying a box under his arm with a tangle of wires sticking out the top.

            I frowned, glancing once more at the disappearing truck. The Colonel was gone, and from the looks of it, the rest of the army was breaking camp, preparing to move on. I needed to move now to keep up. But even as I drew back, a voice called out and I hesitated. The soldier with the box looked around, grimaced, then put down his burden, jogging away.

            Eyes drawn to the tantalising tangle of wires, I considered. What could the Colonel be so desperate to get rid of?

            It was beyond stupid, they all knew my face, but it was so close…

            For another second, I remained hidden, talking myself in and out of moving. Then I ducked out of the trees, head down as I crossed quickly to the empty truck. A flash of camouflage made me flinch but it was just a jacket left in the cab. Yanking the door open, I grabbed the jacket, swinging it around my shoulders, pulling the collar up to my ears against both the cold air and any curious glances. The box was sat a few feet beyond the end of the truck and it took a huge amount of willpower to keep myself walking calmly forwards into the open space. I spun on the spot, crouching to scoop up the box in one movement before walking quickly back to the truck. Of course, I wasn’t that lucky.

            I even made it back to the cover of the truck. With every step I expected someone to call out behind me, raising the alarm. But nothing happened, the only calls were those from before, relating to orders or requests as the camp broke. Then a figure stepped around the front of the cab, eyes downturned as they shuffled forwards. I froze in shock and the sudden locking of my legs made them look up.

            Winter’s pale eyes went wide as he recognised me, both of us stunned. I’d even opened my mouth to question what he was doing, unable to fathom how Caesar had caught up to me so quickly, and infiltrated the camp, when I saw the brand over his left eye, the two Greek letters standing out, red against his white fur.

            Two things filtered through my shock.

            First, he hadn’t been part of the group with Caesar. And second, he looked terrified, just as he had last night, urging us all to leave.

            That had been the last time I’d seen him. He hadn’t been part of the troop this morning when Caesar and I had both split away. A whisper in the back of my head pointed out that I could have just missed him in all the other bodies, all the movement, but I looked at his luminous fur, and that new brand on his head, and the fear in his expression, and dismissed it.

            Winter took a step backwards, glancing over his shoulder, mouth opening.

            “Don’t,” I snapped quickly, the box wavering as I let go with one hand, feeling for the gun at my back. He saw the movement and went still, shoulders hunching. It was a ridiculous sight, he must have weighed at least twice as much as I do, but he cowered like a child. Guilty, guilty guilty.

            “Not a word,” I growled, taking a step forward. “You tell anyone that I was here and I will know. I will come back, and I will find you.”

            He retreated further, pressing back into the truck as I skirted around him, closer to the trees.

            “You chose the wrong side,” I hissed then turned and ducked back into the trees, breaking into a run with my prize clutched before me.

Chapter Text

We were the Kings and Queens of promise,

we were the victims of ourselves.

Maybe the children of a lesser God,

between heaven and hell.

Kings and Queens – 30 Seconds to Mars

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It wasn’t until I was back to my horse, panting from the exertion, that I slowed enough to let myself think. Dropping the box to the ground, I sank down beside it, shaking. What had Winter been thinking? I had known that he was scared, but he hadn’t just run away, he had gone to the Colonel. After seeing Red, the brand on his skin, the way that Preacher and Travis had looked at him, how could Winter have gone to them? Even once Red had gotten away…

               I went still, my head tilting. Gotten away? Had Red really escaped? I took a breath, willing away the horrible conclusion that my mind jumped to. I had no evidence that Winter had let Red go, or anything worse. He had been wounded. Maybe Red had been talking nonsense to him, distracted him, overwhelmed him. Maybe Winter had believed some of it, believed it enough to think that maybe the soldiers were the safer option. Maybe.

               Looking back over my shoulder, I grimaced. This wasn’t the time to be debating the possibilities of Winter’s change of allegiance. The soldiers were on the move, and Caesar could well be trailing them again already. Turning back, I looked down at the box beside me, poking through the tangled mess of wires. Even when I found a boxy unit, it took me several seconds to extract it but even once I’d pulled it free, I found very few clues as to what it was, or why the Colonel had so angrily demanded its destruction. There were plenty of jacks to plug wires into and a couple of dials, but if they had ever been labelled, the words were long since rubbed off. Placing it aside, I dug a little deeper through the box, eventually coming up with a solar power pack, a thin extendable rod, and finally, a microphone. It was only then that I put it together. Volume and frequency dials. A power pack. An aerial. And a microphone. It was a radio.

               I sat back on my heels, considering. Why would the Colonel had wanted the radio destroyed? It made no sense. With another nervous glance back over my shoulder, I shoved everything back into the box and mounted my horse with it balanced awkwardly in front of me. It wasn’t easy, and I was limited to a very slow pace, but it felt much better to be moving again as I guided the horse north, further into the trees.

               It was easy, from the first ridge of hills, hidden by the trees, to follow the soldiers north, moving swiftly along the coast. Sometimes I would glance back over my shoulder, wondering if Caesar was back there somewhere, if he’d seen Winter among his enemies, but I didn’t dwell upon the thoughts. I had resisted putting together the radio. With no way of knowing who was on the other end, it was just too dangerous. I didn’t regret my decision to salvage it, however. If the Colonel wanted it gone, I wanted it saved, and maybe with more observation, I could gain an advantage from using it.

               It was a cold, miserable night. Huddled into the trunk of a tree, a blanket pulled close around me, I looked out on the snow that had snuck down during the evening and thought about Lily, and Cornelius, and Caesar. Mostly though, I thought about Blue Eyes. I remembered the scars across his chest, and the way he’d looked at me when I was wounded, ready to die, and he’d told me his father was alive. I remembered his eyes, so wide and accepting, the power in his lithe body as he’d swung through the trees, protected his baby brother, embraced me. I cried, and the tears froze on my cheeks.

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There was little sleep for me that night, the snow was falling constantly and I shivered too much to be able to relax. When the sun rose, it was through a haze of white. Exhausted and cold, I got up, shaking off my blanket in a reluctant surrender of the pocket of almost-warm air beneath. I was actually glad to get back onto the horse, to feel its warmth under my legs and bury my hands in its mane. The soldiers had moved away from the coast, a wise move given the weather conditions, but the blizzard grew fiercer as the morning progressed, and I found it difficult to keep the lights of their trucks in sight as we moved ever further north. By mid-morning, I’d given up and was simply observing from one point, to get a general idea of their direction, then moving quickly along a parallel path for a while before checking again, thus minimising the amount of time I spent near them.

               So it was when I was out of sight of the column that the gunshots rang out. My horse shied as my heart began to pound, my hands clenching into tight fists as I looked up. Caesar? Please no. Surely it couldn’t have been…

               My mouth was very dry as I turned my horse and urged it forwards, moving much faster than was sensible over the obscured ground, perpendicular to my previous path, directly towards the noises. A third shot cracked loudly, and I gritted my teeth, reining my mount in just before the ridge ahead of me. The trucks were spread out in a line, all stationary. Scrambling with numb fingers, I pulled out my binoculars and peered through them, a hopeless cause in the swirling snow, but it did let me see several figures moving up from the end of the convoy, climbing into various trucks. The procession swiftly moved off again, but I remained where I was, trying to see through the trees to what they had been shooting at. I was praying not to see a glimpse of dark fur.

               My prayers were answered in a strange way. Far below, lying on the side of the road, were three bodies, human bodies, in uniform. Three bodies, three gunshots. I frowned, lowering the binoculars. Soldiers. They had been shooting their own men. Why? Dispatching those that were injured? I could rationalise no other explanation, but something felt wrong about it. Gritting my teeth, I pushed the dead out of my thoughts, continuing my pursuit of the living soldiers.

               They did not let up the pace, and by the time the snow stopped after midday, I had fallen behind, with only the lingering tire tracks and distant tail lights to guide me. Regardless, I ploughed on, following the road more closely for fear of losing the trail. I glanced behind me regularly but saw no evidence of Caesar and his companions, if they were even there. When night fell, the soldiers were out of sight completely, not a single distant light reflecting back to me. The snow began to fall again, lighter now as I halted my horse, gazing hopelessly ahead. Where were they even going? When would this trek northwards end?

.

.

Instead of hiding under a blanket and brooding, as I had done the previous night, I stopped under a copse of closely packed trees, where the snow was nothing but a light dusting and pulled out the tangled radio components once more. Time to try and use what I’d stolen. I smiled bitterly to myself as I spread the pieces out, trying to fit them all together, remembering the last time I’d stolen a radio from the enemy. That had just been a hand-held unit, taken from a body in a bank. My first contact with the soldiers, with the Colonel.

               Have I got your attention now?

               That had been after I’d saved John’s life for the first time. My hands stilled, the memories tumbling over in my mind’s eye. Forest, with her injured leg. The pain that had come afterwards, the argument with Caesar that had led to my murderous spree. My madness. Finding the radio. Then there had been the missile strike. Winter had helped me save Jasmine and her son, Oren. And the radio conversation. ‘Go home,’ I’d told them. So many times, I had told them. Their refusal had cost so much. If only they had listened, when Blue Eyes had still been alive.

               A tear hit my hand and I flinched, blinking and feeling more slide down my face, tasting the salt on my lips. Sniffing, I wiped them away, returning to my task and trying to banish the memories.

               I didn’t hesitate to flip the switch, the dials lighting up with surprising willingness. Scooping up the equipment, I shuffled out from between the trees, to a clear patch of ground, holding the aerial as high as I could above my head.

               “Does anyone read me? Come in, come in, over.”

               I stood, shifting my weight as I waited, barely caring who might hear or respond. Maybe the Colonel had another radio unit, maybe they would hear me. Maybe it would reach all the way to Seattle, but I doubted it. Not with this little unit, this little aerial. Pursing my lips, I looked up at the small piece of metal, wondering if I could somehow link it up to a pylon, send the signal out further.

               “Does anyone read me? Come in, over.”

               I repeated my call, my arm already tired, head hanging as I tapped a foot.

               “—ello. Do you hear me? Over?”

               My head snapped up, hands suddenly shaking. The voice was crackly but distinct.

               “I hear you,” I said. “I hear you loud and clear, over.”

               “Good to know, friend. Where are you based? Over”

               “Somewhere in California. Lost track at this point, to be honest. Somewhere north of San Francisco. You? Over.”

               “Pretty mobile at the moment. You been channel surfing? Over.”

               “Kinda,” I hedged. “I’m following a big group, was hoping to talk to them. Any chance that’s you? Over.” Lies, but hopefully believable, and maybe enough of a hint to move the conversation towards the Colonel.

               “Sorry, I doubt it. We’re moving south. Over.”

               “Ah well, maybe we’ll intercept each other. If I can catch up with these guys, it would be hard to miss us,” I laughed. “Over.”

               “Do… How much do you know about them? This group that you’re following? Over.”

               I grinned. They’d taken the hint. “Umm, not a huge amount. They seem to have been based near San Francisco for a while—I found a pretty permanent camp—but they’re moving now, and damn fast too! But anyone would be better than being alone, y’know? Have you got a big group with you? Over.”

               “We’re fairly big, yeah. Listen…”

               I waited, shifting my weight.

               “This group… are they soldiers? Over.”

               “Ummm… I couldn’t really say. Why? Over.”

               There was another pause, longer this time.

               “It might be better if you avoided them. Over.”

               I let that suggestion sit for a while before replying, and only doing so hesitantly. “Okay… You want to tell me why? Over.”

               “I… It’s just not a good idea. Trust me on this. Leave them alone. In fact, get as far away from them as possible. Over.”

               “That’s not really telling me much,” I said. It wasn’t telling me nearly enough. Why was the Colonel running north? “What’s so bad about them? Over.”

               “We’ve had reports that they’ve encountered a new sort of virus. Possibly a mutation of the original Simian Flu.”

               The aerial fell from my fingers to bounce off the ground. I just stared at it, frozen. The voice continued to issue from the radio unit, unaware of the bomb they had just dropped on me.

               “We’re not really sure at this point, but it’s not something you want to get mixed up in, okay. Seriously. Over.”

               My hands clenched. Bodies lined up, gunshots echoing. A mutation of the original Simian Flu. The sound that escaped me was somewhere between a groan of pain and a sorrowful keening.

               “Hello? You still there? Over.”

               The snow was soaking into the knees of my pants but I didn’t remember falling. 

               With a lethargic hand, I reached out for the microphone. “I’m here,” I said, dully. “Over.”

               There was another pause. “I’m sorry. It must be hard if you’ve been alone for a long time. There will be other people though. Better options. Keep going north, there’s a base at Seattle, they’re taking people in. Over.”

               “The virus, the new one, is it fatal? Over.”

               “We don’t know. Seriously, go to Seattle. Maybe I’ll see you then when I get back. Over.”

               “Yeah. Maybe. What’s your name? Over.”

               “Daniel. Sargent Daniel Walker. What’s yours? Over.”

               “Jacqueline. Jacqueline Boyd. Good luck to you, Daniel. Over.”

               “You too. Over and out.”

               The radio went silent, sitting dead in the snow. I very nearly lay down right then and there to join it.

               Of course they didn’t know if it was fatal or not. The Colonel was executing those who were infected before they had a chance to find out. Trying to stop the new virus spreading. But it clearly wasn’t working. So he was going north to… to what? To meet up with the soldiers from Seattle? Maybe they would have a way to stop the virus. But then why would McCullough have thrown away the radio. No. That wasn’t it. Something else then. Something important enough to make him abandon his war against the apes.

               I frowned, eyes focused on a stick poking through the snow. If the soldiers from the north weren’t coming to help McCullough… could the opposite be true? Were they going to stop him? But how? And why?

               My eyes moved upwards. The same reason McCullough was playing judge, jury, and executioner, of course. They wanted to stop the virus too. And no doubt they wouldn’t do it by half-measures.

               A face flashed before me, but I shook my head, pushing it away. It was too late for him. Far too late.

               Slowly, I dragged myself back to my feet, gathering up the pieces of the radio and lugging them back to the copse and dropping them back into the box. My horse looked up at my return then went back to tearing up what little foliage remained uncovered on the floor.

               I should have guessed that the virus could have mutated. Hell, I already knew it had mutated. It did so as soon as it was in a human system. The idea that it would continue to change was no great leap. It would take a miracle to find out just how it had changed though. Fifteen years ago, it would have been easy, or relatively easy. A few samples from someone infected, the equipment we’d had in the lab would have made short work of analysing it. Will would have sat shuffling papers around, unable to keep still until the results came back when he would instantly have burst into action. My smile at the imagined scenario faded.

               Yes, fifteen years ago, it would have been possible. Now… the likelihood of any decent equipment working was slim, there was no chance of collaborating with other scientists from around the world, getting their insights. And all my paper notes were stashed back in San Fransisco…

               Stop it, I told myself firmly. It was impossible for so many reasons, even before that stage. There was no point dwelling on it. I wouldn’t even be able to get close to the Colonel’s men anyway. No, it was better this way. The soldiers from the north would come, they’d eliminate the Colonel once and for all. Without its primary target, Caesar’s vendetta would end, and he would be able to return to the troop, to little Cornelius. I spared a thought for him, hoping he was okay. And Lily too, and the others. It was much better this way. The Colonel and his followers would kill me as soon as they saw me. It was pointless to even try.

               Unless…

               I closed my eyes. There was only one who might listen, who might hesitate long enough to give me a chance to talk.

               It was no effort at all to let the memories rush back. Standing on a beach, surrounded by a crowd and a swell of music, but feeling totally alone with him. The sting of a needle in my arm as I watched him fight for his life, two bullet wounds dripping blood from his chest. The expression on his face right before he’d walked out of a cold room, leaving me to be beaten. The feeling of his lips on mine.

               I slammed my palms down on the frozen earth beside me.

               It wasn’t my problem. They weren’t my problem. He wasn’t my problem. His father had killed Blue Eyes, killed Cornelia. Something inside my chest twisted in pain. I should want them all dead. I did want them all dead.

               So run away. It was my own voice, but it was Koba’s face that I imagined with it. You’re the one who made the problem. And it’s all you know how to do, isn’t it? Run away from your problems?

               Yes, I thought back viciously. That was exactly what I was going to do. The soldiers from the north would take care of the Colonel. It was past time for me to turn around and head back to the apes.

               And Caesar?

               I hesitated. Caesar was good at getting himself out of sticky situations… but he was also undeniably practised at getting himself into them as well.

               What if I turned around, headed back to the troop now, trusting Caesar and the others to follow, and they never arrived? Would I one day have to explain to Cornelius that I’d abandoned his father? I rubbed my face and sighed. I could try to find Caesar and his companions, explain about the new force from the north, and try to persuade him to give up his mission… I snorted at the very idea. There was little hope of that. I wasn’t even sure that I’d be able to find Caesar again. Were they still behind me, or had they overtaken me at some point? I had no way of knowing.

               Maybe the easiest thing would be to keep following the soldiers, to make sure they were eradicated, without Caesar being caught up in the crossfire.

               And John too?

               No, I told myself firmly. Time to let him go, once and for all.

               That was the plan then. I would continue tracking the Colonel until Daniel’s unit from the north found them. I might even be able to help the newcomers out, let them know where the Colonel was. They would be destroyed, the new soldiers would go back north, and Caesar could return to his family.

               What could possibly go wrong?

Chapter Text

You have been weighed; you have been found wanting.

The Wolf – Mumford & Sons

.

.

At some point, it had all gone wrong. I didn’t know where, or when, or how, but I could see the results right in front of me through the binoculars. My hands were shaking so much that I had to lower them, pressing my knuckles into the ground as I imagined a hundred different ways that I could kill the Colonel.

               It seemed that the soldiers hadn’t moved on much further after I’d lost them, for it only took half a day for me to catch up. They’d found an old quarantine facility, set into a mountain, with an old, rusted sign hanging from a gate, proudly proclaiming it to be the “California Border Quarantine Facility”. Its layout was logical for such a facility, with large fenced areas where those who were infected, or suspected to be so, could be separated from others. I could imagine the spaces crammed with human bodies. It wasn’t a hard picture to conjure, as the spaces were filled with bodies at the moment, though slightly different from the shapes of the sick humans that would have been there so many years ago.

               The figures currently moving around the complex were shorter but broad, with huge barrel chests, long arms, and strong shoulders. Covered with dark hair, they might have been indistinguishable from one another to anyone else. Not to me. I recognised them instantly, picking out individual faces through the binoculars. Lake, Tinder, Jasmine. Faces I knew. I briefly looked for Cornelia before I remembered just why she was absent.

               The apes weren’t idle. Under the watchful eyes and supervising guns of the soldiers, they toiled to shift huge chunks of rock into an arc around the compound.

               The longer I looked, the worse it got. Further along the valley, more of the apes were working in a makeshift quarry, pickaxes held aloft by main as their immense strength was put to use, hueing slabs of rock from the mountainside. Even as I watched, one slipped on the sheer surface, plummeting several feet before they managed to grab a ledge and stop their fall. The soldiers were even more abundant there, a greater concentration of guns to counter the danger of putting the tools in the apes’ grasp.

               Worst still were those who did not work. The ones who were locked inside one of the cages, tiny forms huddled together against the cold. Their faces turned away from me, I couldn’t be sure which one was Cornelius, but I told myself sternly that he must be there. Any other option was unthinkable.

               There was one other face that I searched for, one that remained absent, no matter how long I looked. Lily, my archer, was nowhere to be seen. Whether that was a good thing or a bad one, I couldn’t tell, but there was a tight knot in my stomach when I considered the possibilities.

               Looking out from my perch behind a boulder, I paused my fantasies of slow deaths that I could inflict upon the colonel to spare some curses for Caesar as well, though they were far less severe. I’d told him not to leave his remaining family. I’d told him to go back and stay with the troop.

               The rational part of me, very small at that moment, whispered that there was no way to know what had happened, or if Caesar’s presence could have prevented their capture, but I ignored it. I was angry and I didn’t care who the fury boiled over onto.

.

.             

With a deep breath, I turned my back on the mixed group, averting my gaze from ape and human alike. Friends and enemies. What was I supposed to do now?

               My plan was falling to pieces. Clearly, I could no longer sit and wait for the other unit of soldiers to come and wipe out the Colonel and his men. The troop would be caught up in the crossfire, more blood spilt.

               I tapped my fingers against my knees, thinking. I needed more time, but it was slipping away from me. Would I be able to bargain for more? Would they listen?

               There were no good options left. I sat up on my knees again, glancing over the boulder I was sheltering behind. I had to try. I’d come too far to abandon them. I had to try. Whatever the cost.

               It was quicker to assemble the radio this time since I’d done it before. Wedging the antenna into a crack in the rock, I sat cross-legged and flicked the microphone on.

               “Does anyone read me? Over.”

               The response was quicker this time too.

               “I receive you. Over.”

               “I’m looking for Sergeant Daniel Walker. Over.”

               There was a brief pause. “He’s known here. Who is this? Over.”

               “My name’s Jac. Jaqueline. I was talking to him yesterday. Is he there? It’s important. Over.”

               “Hang on.”

               I chanced another glance over the boulder whilst I waited.

               “Jaqueline. It’s me. What’s going on? Over.”

               Closing my eyes, I swallowed, considering every word carefully. “Sergeant Walker. I need you to hold off the attack. Over.”

               “I don’t kn—” There was a hiss and crackle as the words cut off.

               “Daniel?” I barked, glancing around even as I gripped the radio tightly. “Daniel!” There was nothing. No sound from the radio. No movement around me.

               The radio gave another crackle. “Jac? Are you still there? Over.”

               “I’m here.” My hands were shaking. “I’m here. Over.”

               “I need you to change the setting on your radio. It’ll make it easier to talk, without this back and forth. Okay? Over.”

               “Yeah, okay. Just tell me what to do. Over.”

               “You should have two large dials on the front of your control unit, and two switches on the side. Can you find them all? Over.”

               I glanced over the unit. “Yes, I see them all, over.”

               “Okay, there should also be a button beside the switch on the microphone. Have you got that too? Over.”

               “Yes. Over.”

               “Good. The switches on the side of the radio, I need you to flick the bottom one so it’s pointing up. Then hold the switch on the microphone in and press the button. Talk to me when you’ve done that and I’ll respond. If you can’t hear me, or I don’t seem to be hearing you, undo it, and come back to how you are now, you got all that? Over.”

               “I’ve got it, doing it now.” I flipped the switch and adjusted the microphone as he’d instructed.

               “Hello?” I tried.

               “Yeah, I’ve got you,” he said. “So this had made it so we can both talk, and it’ll keep the channel open. We don’t have to keep saying ‘over’ all the time.”

               “Okay.”

               “Good. So… You want to tell me what’s going on?”

               I took another deep breath. “The Colonel has stopped, he’s got his men in some old quarantine facility, but there are innocents there too. He’s using them for labour, seems to be making a barrier or something. He knows you’re coming, and if you hit him while they’re still in there, there’s going to be a lot of bystanders hurt. You’ve got to hold off the attack.”

               “Who said anything about an attack?”

               “You said the virus has mutated. McCullough’s executing his own men. Anyone who’s infected with it, I’m guessing. You’re not going to stop there, are you? You’re coming to get rid of all of them.”

               “How do you know who he is?” This was a new voice, slightly fainter, as if its owner was standing further from the microphone. Apparently it was something of a group call on the other end.

               “We’ve… we’ve met before.”

               “These bystanders, how many of them are there? Where did they come from? Were they at this facility before?”

               “I don’t know how many, exactly. A lot. At least two hundred, maybe three. I don’t know how they got here.”

               “If they’ve come into contact with McCullough’s men, they’re potentially infected as well.”

               I gritted my teeth. “I don’t think that’s the case. They’re not directly interacting. Unless it’s spread through the air, I don’t think they will have been exposed. And if it were airborne, this would all be redundant anyway.”

               “Do we know that it’s not airborne?”

               I doubted that it could be, as the original virus hadn’t been, but this didn’t seem to be directed at me, and I didn’t plan on responding, but someone else gave an answer.

               “She would know.”

               I went still. I recognised that voice. But it couldn’t be him. I must have misheard.

               “And you know these innocents aren’t infected, don’t you? The ‘bystanders’.”

               He’d always been able to make the air quotes obvious, even over the walkies in the colony.

               “Shut up, or get out!” Someone else snapped.

               “No! Come on, Jac, won’t you talk to me?”

               The plastic casing of the microphone had cracked and I forced myself to relax my fingers, releasing it before I spoke.

               “Denny?”

               He laughed, a sound that went right through me. “Thought for a minute you’d forgotten me.”

               I had, to a certain extent. I hadn’t thought of Denny in a long time. More than a year. It all came back at the sound of his voice. Days he’d spent coaching me with a pistol. Nights tangled together, trying to forget the past. Mealtimes, surrounded by the rest of the colony, shielded by the bubble of that laugh. His rough face, his scraggly hair. His expression after he’d overheard me admitting to Dreyfus and Malcolm that I’d be part of the team who’d made the original Simian Flu virus.

               Denny had been the one who’d held me up, and the one who’d knocked me down. He’d outed that secret, the only secret that had mattered, to the rest of the colony whilst I was trying to fix the dam with Malcolm.

               “Denny, what are you doing?”

               “I could ask you the same question.”

               “One of you had better explain how you know each other.”

               “It doesn’t matter,” I snarled. No doubt Denny would spill my secrets all over again soon enough. “Will you hold off on your attack?”

               “For what reason?”

               “So I can get them out of there!”

               “Do you have a plan for how to do that?”

               I open my mouth but nothing came out. That was a big fat ‘no’.

               “Every moment we delay is an extra moment for McCullough to prepare. And we don’t know that the other people are not infected. We can’t take the risk that they are. Your saving them could just be spreading the new virus.”

               “They’re not infected!”

               “We can’t know that.”

               I closed my eyes. Denny would tell them anyway. My revealing it first would change nothing. And it was the last card I had to play, literally. It would mean the end of the game, for me at least. I thought of Cornelius and knew it was worth it.

               “This new form of the virus started someone. Started in someone. What’s to stop it from happening again in someone else. One of your people maybe.”

               “If that happens, we’ll deal with it.”

               “What if I could offer you something better?”

               “Jac…”

               “Better how?” One of the other voices spoke over Denny.

               “A cure.”

               There was a moment of silence. My fists clenched as I waited.

               “You have a cure to the Simian Flu?”

               “No. But I’m telling you I might be able to make one to the new version of it. But not if you eradicate everyone who is infected.”

               “How?”

               “They’re in a quarantine facility. There’s got to be some scientific equipment in there. Might be enough to work out what’s going on.”

               “We’ve got equipment back in Seattle, and people have been working with it for the last 15 years. They’ve barely scratched the surface of the virus.”

               “They don’t know what they’re dealing with. I do. You say they’ve been working for 15 years? It took longer than that for the original virus to be developed. More time after that for the Simian Flu strain to be made. I only came onto the project for the latter stages, but I can still guarantee I already know more about it than any of the people you’ve got up in Seattle. I am the best chance you have.”

               The silence stretched out longer and longer but I refused to break it.

               “Are you serious?”

               “Did it sound like I was joking?”

               “You developed the Simian Flu?”

               “There was a whole team, and I was hardly the main part of it. But to a certain extent, yeah.”

               “That’s dispic—”

               “What the f—”

               “Seriously?”

               “Everyone shut up!” The voice cut through all the others. “What’s the catch?”

               I grimaced. “Honestly? McCullough is likely to shot me before I get a chance to do anything. Most of his men would do the same. I’m not sure I’ll be able to get close enough to explain, and even if I can, they probably won’t listen to me.”

               “Then why would you even try?”

               “Because I have to!” I snapped. “I have to try.”

               “Doesn’t add up. Why should we believe anything you say? What do you gain from risking yourself?”

               “Denny knows it’s true.”

               “That doesn’t answer my second question. What’s in it for you?”

               “The other group with McCullough… they’re my family. I will do anything to get them out of there.” I didn’t even need to look again. The images were locked into my mind, into my heart. I wasn’t going to leave the troop in this place. “Plus, maybe it’s a chance for me to right some of the wrongs from 15 years ago.” At least I’d be able to say I tried at that too.

               “Family?” It was Denny who questioned my choice of words.

               “Yeah, family,” I repeated. “If they weren’t caught up in this, I wouldn’t be here either.”

               “What’s the problem, soldier?”

               For a moment, I thought the voice was addressing me, and I bristled, but then Denny responded.

               “The people she’s talking about… they’re not people.”

               “They’re not human,” I corrected him. “They’re still people though.”

               “What are they?”

               “Monkeys,” Denny said unhappily. I scowled, though they couldn’t see it.

               “The ones McCullough has been fighting?”

               “He shot first,” I muttered.

               “So that’s what happened with you and McCullough? You were on opposite sides?”

               “Got a bit deeper than that, but yeah. Which brings us back to the bigger problem.”

               There was a brief pause, then Daniel’s voice came back. “I’m not sure how much we can do for you there, we’re still a way out from where you are.”

               “I’m not asking for help. Just need to know how long I have before you guys turn up.”

               “Uhhh, probably five days? Maybe six.”

               “What about the choppers?” Denny asked.

               “They can’t carry enough men to make a difference, and I’m not going to ask men to go on a suicide mission when we don’t know what the result could be.”

               “What if they didn’t set down? We just need something that will get Jac through the doors.”

               “A couple of Apaches should certainly help with that,” Daniel said.

               “No.”

               “Sir!”

               “Sir!”

               The objections layered over each other, and I couldn’t stop my smile.

               “One. Minimal crew, volunteers only. Tell them it’s recon, and that they’ll get more details en-route, I don’t want word of this getting too far.”

               “Yes, sir. I’ll put out the word.”

               “Think you’ll be able to get them to agree once you’re inside, Jac?”

               “I hope so. There’s at least one person in there who would give me a chance.”

               If he was even still alive.

               I shook off the grim thought. It was no longer personal. I needed John to be alive, if only to keep me alive.

               “Alright. Jac, where exactly are you?”

               “Umm… so there’s a valley, quite wide, quite flat, going south from the facility. I’m on the west side of it, half a mile or so away from them.”

               “Okay, we’ll put a crew together, and set out at first light tomorrow. We’ll approach along the valley, the guys will keep an eye out, but it will be up to you to make yourself known to them. Then, they’ll keep close and escort you in.”

               “Okay.”

               “But… if things go south…”

               “I understand,” I cut across. “They’re your priority. This is all on me anyway.”

               “Jac…”

               “Denny?”

               “Listen, I…”

               “Please tell me you’re not about to try and apologise.”

               There was a moment of heavy silence.

               “I shouldn’t have gone behind your back like that, telling everyone without giving you a chance to explain.”

               “Any what could I possibly have explained?” I shook my head. “It’s done, all of it. I don’t blame you for what you did.”

               “But you still went with them. You walked away from me.”

               “Yes, I did. I had to make a decision fast, and I would make the same one again.” There had been too many loose ends. Koba still running amok, Caesar injured… I couldn’t have walked away. And I hadn’t wanted to. “I don’t regret it.”

               “Even now?”

               I looked up, blinking at the sinking sun, wondering if it would be the last afternoon I ever had. “Even now.”

               “I’m going to be on that chopper tomorrow.”

               I gave a slightly watery smile, though I knew he couldn’t see me. “I’ll wave at you.” There was a moment of silence, and I wiped my face off. “See you guys tomorrow then. Jac out.”

               I flipped the radio off, listening to the quiet for several seconds before I began to cry.

Chapter Text

I didn’t lose my mind, it was mine to give away

No Regrets – Robbie Williams

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.

The sun rose the next day, and I appreciated it as I never had before, squinting against the bright light. What a miracle it was. Painting the cloud-studded sky a mirage of colours, such simple beauty. I wiped away the moisture clouding my eyes. I’d done enough crying already in the past 12 hours.

               Tugging the scarf wrapped around the lower half of my face a little higher, I scanned the horizon again, ears straining for the first sign of the promised chopper. It was still early, and I had no idea how long it would take them to get here. Snuggling further down into my jacket, I tucked my hands into my armpits, shivering in the chilly morning air.

               I’d prepared everything last night, removing all the gear from my horse and letting it wander as it pleased. Hopefully it would make its own way south, away from this cold weather. Anything that I couldn’t easily carry, including the radio the Colonel had dumped, I had piled up and stashed in a nook between tree roots.

               All my warmest clothes were layered up on my body, concealing the shapes of every weapon I had. Two hand guns, a spare clip for each, three knives. The original gun that Denny had left for me before I’d gone up to find the apes for the first time was long gone, taken by the soldiers I was about to confront before they’d tortured me.

               Why exactly was I about to walk back into their midst?

               I dropped my head down onto my knees. Surely it wasn’t too late to back out. All I had to do was stay here and not reveal myself when the chopper arrived.

               All I had to do was walk away.

               I thought of Lake, of Tinder, of Jasmine. Of little Oren and Cornelius. I thought of Caesar and Cornelia and Blue Eyes.

               All I had to do was walk away.

               I raised my head at the low whump-whump-whump reached my ears, finding the distant black speck in the sky and pushing myself to my feet without hesitation.

               Walk away? It wasn’t an option.

.

.

Snow whipped through the air, half-blinding me, stinging the sliver of my face exposed over the scarf and beneath the hat pulled low. The distance thumping of the chopper blades had become a scream above my head. Tiny figures raced back and forth half hidden by the whirling snow obscuring my vision, but growing closer with every step. Any noise was obliterated by the chopper, but I imagined the soldiers shouting at each other, throwing orders around, or maybe exclamations of fear. I was tempted to join them on the last point. At least walking meant I could pretend I wasn’t shaking.

               The noise changed first, the chopper peeling off to the right, circling away to maintain a distance from the soldiers. As my white shield of snow dropped to the ground, I glanced back, and for a second thought I saw a familiar face in one of the windows of the chopper. I dismissed the image, turning away and continuing my walk forwards alone, hands down by my sides.

               With the blinding snowstorm gone, I could see the soldiers more clearly, could see the way their guns were aimed directly at me. Behind them, I could see the apes as well, all looking up from their work, their attention drawn by the chopper and held by my advance.

               The gunshot made me flinch, even as the impact next to my feet sent me dancing backwards.

               “That was a warning shot!”

               The shout barely reached me, though I was close enough to recognise some of the faces peering at me.

               “You won’t get another one!”

               The chatter from behind me had me ducking, a whole series of bullets painting a line between me and the soldiers. I didn’t look back at the chopper as I straightened up again, pulling my scarf down.

               “Nor will you!” I roared back, though my voice nearly broke on the final word. I started walking again. “You want to hear what I’ve got to say.”

               There was a ripple down the line of faces, considering my words, or maybe recognising my face. It was enough for me to get closer, so close that we wouldn’t have to shout to hear each other any more. A few more paces and I was practically among them. I couldn’t stop, mustn’t stop.

               Preacher, his face dark behind his distinctive crossbow, poised and tense to my left.

               Anderson, staring at me with blank shock on his face, further away.

               Rick, striding forwards to intercept me, one hand already clenched in a fist.

               No sign of the one I was trying not to look for, the only one I would have believed to truly listen to me.

               I pulled my hat off and could almost feel the whispers flowing outwards as more of them recognised me. Rick was closer now, his face hard and closed off. Sweat trickled down my back and I suddenly regretted the many layers of clothing I’d forced myself into.

               A fist swung wide and my arm came up before I could even think about whether or not it was a good idea. My forearm forced his aside, but his other hand was faster, whipped up from below to connect, hard, with my stomach.

               The two jumpers and thick jacket cushioned the blow somewhat, but I still staggered backwards, curling over, coughing.

               When I looked up again, Rick had his gun pointed directly at my chest.

               “You don’t want to do that.” I choked the words out, eyes watering.

               “Oh, no, I really do.”

               The hooting call from behind him carried perfectly over the snow, echoed instantly by others, and all the soldiers shouting couldn’t stem the outcry.

               I looked past Rick, to where the apes, my family, had halted their work, staring at me, their cries drowning out everything else.

               Looking back at Rick, I noted the tension in his jaw, the way his hand was clenched on the gun.

               “I’m going to ask them to be quiet,” I said.

               He stared at me, but didn’t say anything as I raised a hand.

               Turning slightly, I looked past him, towards the apes, before raising one hand to sign.

               ‘Quiet. Please.’

               They obeyed the simple signs, though reluctantly, the occasional hoot persisting through the growing silence.

               ‘Thank you.’

               I turned back to Rick. “I need to talk to the Colonel. He needs to hear what I have to say.”

               “I don’t think he wants to hear it.”

               “They think he does.” I jerked my head backwards to where I could still hear the helicopter.

               Rick hesitated, eyes flicking past me.

               I glanced away from him too, checking the mood of the other soldiers. To my surprise, most weren’t even looking at me anymore. They’d turned, looking back towards the complex built into the mountain. I followed their gaze, looking up, past Rick’s head, and there he was.

Chapter Text

You may call me a dreamer, call me a fool,

just a blue-eyed believer in you.

But I’d die for that someone in the blink of an eye,

so tell me, please tell me,

just what kind of fool am I?

Under Grey Skies – Kamelot

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.

The Colonel was standing on a balcony, overlooking the complex with his arms crossed. Even at that distance, I recognised the bald head, the sunglasses, the unapologetic stance. And I knew he was staring right at me.

               The rest of the world fell away. The thump of the helicopter behind us, the occasional stressed hoot of the apes, the murmuring of the soldiers, it was all irrelevant. Even Rick, with his gun trained on me, was forgotten.

               I stared up at the colonel, and he stared back at me. It was like I was being seen for the first time. Even though he didn’t know everything—not yet—it felt like he did, like he was seeing through to my soul.

               The mountains could have crumbled around us at that moment and I wouldn’t have been able to look away from him.

               He broke away first, turning back inside, one hand beckoning as he did so. A long breath escaped me, and I glanced at Rick, who lowered his gun with reluctance.

               “Anderson,” he snapped, whirling about and striding away, so fast it was almost a jog.

               Anderson stepped forwards to fill the space he’d left, eyes fixed on my face. For an instant, I was tempted to make a comment, maybe even a joke, something to affirm the past between us, but I held my tongue. I couldn’t risk anything, not now. So I held my tongue, and let him lead the way through the complex in silence. He still had a bit of a limp.

               I glanced backwards, finding the menacing shape of the chopper still hanging in the sky. It dipped its nose, spinning in the air and headed back off down the valley. I swallowed as I turned away. That was it. I was on my own now.

               Most of the soldiers held their places, watching us go in silence. The apes were more restless, some knuckling along a few paces, shadowing my movement deeper into the compound. Everywhere I looked, there were familiar faces, all looking to me with hope, with expectation. I avoided meeting their eyes. There was nothing I could give them. Yet.

               I was so distracted by the older apes, that I didn’t think about where I was going, wasn’t prepared for the cry that tore my heart from my chest. The youngsters were crowded around the fence, tiny faces turned towards me, arms stretching through the fence. Cornelius was in the very middle, his hands pawing desperately at the air, his cries bringing tears to my eyes. Oren was next to him, looking almost as pitiful.

               Anderson didn’t say a word, not that it would have made any difference, as I broke away from him, hurrying over and dropping to my knees, my fingers pushing through the chain links as I tried to swallow down my sobs.

               “Munchkin,” I murmured, eyes closed as I pressed my head to the cold metal, feeling many small hands snaking around my face, gripping my short hair, running over my cheeks. Plaintive hooting assaulted my ears, punching at my chest.

               It hurt to pull back, opening my eyes, and meeting Cornelius’s gaze. His brown eyes, flecked with green and gold, were wide, full of fear and confusion. I hated that I had to add to those burdens.

               “I’m sorry,” I whispered, gripping his wrist and pressing a quick kiss to his fur. It was cold under my lips.

               The tears fell freely as I pushed quickly to my feet, turning away before I could break again. I closed my ears to their cries, walking away with gritted teeth, wiping my face dry only for new tears to track paths down my cheeks.

               Anderson still did not comment, leading me inside in silence, even holding the door open, letting me pass through first. There were stairs directly to the left inside the door, and I climbed them blindly, taking deep breaths. It wouldn’t do to face the Colonel in this state.

               By the time we’d climbed three floors, I had myself under control. The door that Anderson gestured to stood open, a chill breeze blowing out of it.

               The Colonel was waiting for me, standing with his hands planted on a wide table, his back to the open doors leading out onto the balcony. Circling partway around the table, I stopped opposite him, waiting for him to look up at me before I spoke.

               “Colonel McCullough.” This was no time to quibble about titles or ranks.

               His sharp eyes, no longer hidden behind his sunglasses, fixed on mine. They were cold, hard. “I suppose you think that stunt out there was making a point?”

               “It got me to you without getting shot. That was all I needed.”

               “So what now? You take your own shot?”

               I placed my own hands on the table, opposite his, in clear view. “No. Right now, we have the same goal. The guys coming down from Seattle agree.”

               “I doubt that. The Major General and I had somewhat of a difference of opinion last time we spoke.”

               “I know. You threw out your radio. I took it before it could be destroyed as you ordered.”

               His expression didn’t change, but his silence was commentary enough.

               “You want to save the human race,” I said, before he could speak again. “I’m probably the only one who can. You need me.”

               We stared at each other for several moments, but I refused to break the silence. He wasn’t stupid; he had to know that I wouldn’t have come here, wouldn’t have risked everything like this, if I wasn’t serious. Or at least I hoped so.

               “A bold claim.” The words were measured, calculated.

               “The truth. The virus is mutating, and your method of dealing with it isn’t working. Either the new virus has become airborne, which is unlikely to coincide with it changing how it affects us, or it’s incubating for a period before it becomes symptomatic, or all the strains are mutating spontaneously. For either of the latter, killing anyone who presents with symptoms isn’t going to do a thing to stop it.”

               Those hard eyes kept on watching me.

               “You killed three more of your men on the way here. It’s not sustainable, and it’s not working.”

               “You are remarkably well-informed.”

               “I’ve been following you, pretty much since your attack on the apes.” I fixed him with a hard gaze. “And I’m not the only one.”

               “I’m aware. It seems I missed my target.”

               Missed his target? For a moment, I was confused, then I worked it out. His target wouldn’t have been Blue Eyes and Cornelia. They would have been irrelevant to him. He’d been after Caesar. And he knew Caesar hadn’t died, knew that he was coming after him.

               “You know. How?”

               The Colonel’s eyes flicked to the side, to the door I’d come in through, and three more figures shuffled into the room.

               My head snapped around at the movement, but I looked away again quickly, dropping my head with a groan. I couldn’t look at them, couldn’t look at him. Partially because it wasn’t a good idea for me to say what I wanted to say, but mostly because I couldn’t stand seeing Caesar in chains.

               Without looking up, I raised my right hand, spelling out the word with my fingers.

               I-D-I-O-T.

               With a supreme effort, I looked up, keeping my eyes fixed firmly on the Colonel.

               “Any other threats you want to make?” he asked.

               “It wasn’t meant to be a threat,” I said, the words barely audible, even to myself. Swallowing, I tried to block out the dark figure in my peripheral vision, to make my voice strong again. “The original point stands.” I straightened up. “Do you want to save humanity or not?”

               “Not if it involves getting help from you.”

               We glared at each other until a new, slightly hoarse, voice from behind me broke the stand-off.

               “What do you need?”

               I spun so fast I nearly fell. It was irrelevant. My knees had buckled at the very first word.

               He leant heavily against the open archway behind me, those haunting blue eyes fixed on me.

               We said his name at the same time, the word a harsh crack from the Colonel, the whisper of an answered prayer from me.

               “John.”

.

.

It was like a dream, watching him move towards me. I might have reached out towards him, but I was still reeling from his presence, and could barely stay upright, turning on the spot rather than look away from him.

               He came to a stop on the side of the table facing the door I’d entered through, halfway between myself and his father, but he kept his eyes on my face. His expression was unreadable, but it didn’t stop me trying, searching the lines around his mouth, the tiredness lingering under his eyes.

               “You mean it?” he asked, breaking the silence. “You think you can find a cure.”

               I swallowed, taking a conscious breath. “Yes.”

               When had his voice become so rough and hoarse? And when had mine diminished to a whisper?

               “How? Why does it have to be you?”

               Somehow, it didn’t occur to me to hesitate. Even this, the deepest and darkest of my secrets, fell from my lips easily. Because he was the one who was asking.

               “I was part of the team that worked on the original virus. I know its original structure. It’s a better starting point than anyone else would have.”

               He stared at me, and I knew what was coming. Just like it had been with Dreyfus, with Denny. The rejection, the disgust.

               “Your name’s not Heather, is it?”

               My eyes dropped at last. I’d forgotten that I’d given them that name. “No.” Another whisper. “It’s Jacqueline Boyd. Jac.”

               “What do you need from us?”

               My head snapped up. That was what he’d said before, that had first alerted me to his presence, but now, after hearing the truth… could he be serious? His face certainly was.

               “You’ll help me?”

               “No.” The Colonel’s voice was thick with anger, but for the first time, it wasn’t directed at me. He was glaring at John, who returned the look steadily. “Weren’t you listening?” he hissed. “She made it in the first place! She’s the reason we’re in this mess! Give her half a chance and she’ll do the same thing again, or worse.”

               “I was listening. She’s right, your way isn’t working. I went along with it, did what was needed, but it’s not helping. What have we got to lose?”

               There was a long silence, then John determinedly turned back towards me.

               His father pulled a gun, I didn’t see where from, levelling it across the table at my head.

               There were ripples of movement from all around us, John turning back to his father, Anderson with his arms crossed outside the door, Caesar, Red, and Preacher all shifting from just inside it. I glanced across at the latter group, meeting Caesar’s gaze for the first time since John had revealed himself. He didn’t look happy.

               “Put that down, or I’ll put myself in front of it,” John said, his voice low and hard, dripping venom.

               Even the Colonel hesitated at that, his eyes flicking to his son. I could barely breathe, staring between them. Something had broken here.

               “I mean it.”

               For a second, his finger tightened on the trigger, and I tensed, expecting him to shoot before his son could follow through. Then he lowered the gun.

               I let out a shaky breath, loud in the silent room.

               John looked back to me, repeating his question again. “What do you need?”

               I took a couple more breaths, trying to remember the list I’d tried to compose.

               “Ah… this place used to be a quarantine facility, that means there must be some sort of lab set up? Equipment, chemicals?”

               John was nodding. To the other side of the room, Caesar made a sharp motion and I faltered, looking over at him as he signed at me.

               “You betray us?”

               I looked back at John, trying to continue as if my heart wasn’t breaking. “I’ll need access to that, and anything else you’ve found around here. If there’s anyone here with any sort of science experience, even if they were only in a lab for a week when they were a teenager, I’ll need all the hands I can get. That includes anyone from the group from Seattle as well.”

               “I’ll ask around. There’s a group of science geeks up north but it will take time for them to get here,” John nodded.

               “Okay. It might be worth them staying where they are if we can get communications established, depending on what facilities they have.” I took another breath. “If you have anyone left down in San Francisco, I need you to contact them, and if not, get someone down there, right now. I stole a load of original notes from Gen-Sys before the government could swarm in, and stashed them in the zoo. If we can get them up here, that’ll be a big step forwards.”

               “We can get someone down there,” John said, glancing at his father, who did not respond.

               “And you need to stop killing people. Even the infected. Especially the infected. I’m going to need blood samples from them, and from anyone else who is healthy, if they’re willing.”

               “No one is going to give you anything,” the Colonel said, speaking at last.

               “They’ll do it,” John spoke over him. “You can start with mine.”

               I opened my mouth, then closed it again, thrown once more. I’d hoped that John might hesitate long enough to let me explain, had been counting on it, but this went beyond what I’d dared to dream of.

               I steeled myself, knowing this final point would likely be the one to push them over the edge.

               “You want more?” the Colonel asked, before I could speak.

               I ignored him, looking directly at John. “And you let the apes go. All of them.”

               The Colonel gave a harsh bark of laughter.

               “Sneaky bitch,” Preacher muttered, shuffling in his stance, his crossbow still trained on Caesar.

               “You’re actually insane.” Anderson’s comment floated in through the door, where he shook his head in wonder.

               I looked away from them all, back at John. Even his face was hesitant. He’d acquiesced so quickly to my other demands, I hadn’t considered what I’d do if he refused me now. I couldn’t let that happen, not on this most important point.

               The Colonel was even less inclined to wait for John’s response. “No way. You’re out of your damn mind.”

               I met his gaze, forcing my expression to be still, my voice not to waver. “Let them go.”

               “Even him?” he pointed across at Caesar. “He’d come right back and try to finish the job, don’t try to deny it.”

               I glanced across at Caesar. I couldn’t deny that would very likely be the case.

               “No,” the Colonel repeated. “The apes stay. Until you find a cure.”

               I met his gaze, my shoulders pulling back. “And if I can’t? Or if it takes months?”

               The Colonel said nothing, but his finger moved on the table, tapping deliberately on the gun sat between us.

               I clenched my jaw, glaring at him.

               “Maybe that will give you some motivation. Because mark my words, I know why you’re here, and it’s not to save the human race. You only came here to save your precious monkeys.”

               I’m here because there’s someone I couldn’t bring myself to give up on.

               I didn’t say the words, though they were on the tip of my tongue.

               “Sir! Oh…” We all turned, looking towards the door, where a fresh-faced soldier was blushing under the sudden attention. “Sorry, sir, I didn’t mean to…” he mumbled his way into silence, swaying on the spot, unsure whether to back away or not.

               “What is it?”

               “It’s the Major General, sir. He’s putting out a call on the radio. Wants to know what’s going on with some scientist. Jacqueline-someone-or-other.” His eyes flickered to me as he spoke.

               There was a tense silence. I took the opportunity to look at Caesar. His enigmatic eyes, so familiar to me, seemed foreign, hauntingly cold as he stared back at me.

               I’m trying to help you.

               More words that I couldn’t say.

               “Have you sent any response?” the Colonel was asking.

               “No, sir.”

               More silence.

               “Time to choose,” I said, looking directly at the Colonel. “I don’t care why you think I’m here. I am the best hope you have. The best hope we all have. Do you want the human race to survive or not? That’s all it comes down to. Yes or no.”

               “We don’t have a choice.” John’s words surprised me, and his father too, who met his imploring gaze. John took a step closer to his father, lowering his voice. “We can’t carry on like this,” he said, so quietly that no one else would be able to hear him.

               The Colonel hesitated for another few seconds, then raised his head to stare at me.

               “Let’s go see what the Major General has to say, then.”

               My breath caught in my throat. It wasn’t a definite ‘yes’, but it was better than a straight-up ‘no’ and a bullet to the head. It was hope.

Chapter Text

Did you think we'd be fine?
Still got scars on my back from your knives.
So don't think it's in the past,
These kinds of wounds they last and they last
Bad Blood – Taylor Swift

.

.

The corridors we filed down were cold and uninviting. Grey metal and peeling yellow coated the walls in equal measure. Caesar’s glare followed me the whole way, though I kept my chin up, pretending I felt no guilt at walking away from him. The Colonel was right about one thing at least. I was doing this to help them as well.

               The room that we finally filed into, the young soldier leading the way, followed by the Colonel, then me, with John at the back.

               “… gone far enough. Now I know you’re listening and I don’t care what you have to do, you will…”

               “General Prescott.” The Colonel spoke over the rant that seemed to have been going on for several minutes, and silence fell in the small room that we were crammed into.

               There was a heavy sigh.

               “McCullough.”

               I was sure there was some significance to leaving off his rank, but the Colonel didn’t react. The silence stretched into discomfort. Gritting my teeth at their combined stubbornness and posturing, I made to step forwards, fully prepared to break the standoff myself. Before I could do so, a hand grabbed my wrist, pulling me back. Surprised, I looked around, and John met my gaze, his face tight.

               “Situation report, Colonel.”

               The other voice, the General, spoke first, though his tone was still abrasive.

               “Well, that would depend on knowing how much you already know about the situation.” There was a long pause. “Sir.”

               “Now is not the time for semantics, McCullough,” the General said, and I noted that his rank had been dropped again. “Unless you want my bird to put a missile through your front door.”

               I winced. This was going downhill far too fast for my liking. Twisting my wrist out of John’s grip, I took two steps forwards, angling slightly to the side to keep a good distance between myself and the Colonel.

               “General, this is Jacqueline Boyd.”

               “You’re the scientist?”

               “Yes.”

               More silence. I almost expected it at this point. What was he thinking about, I wondered? Who had he lost to the virus? Parents? Siblings? Partner? Children? All of them? I swallowed.

               “You’re going to fight this new infection?”

               I pulled a face. He was military, not a scientist, I couldn’t exactly give him a lecture about how it wasn’t really ‘fighting’ it, or about how it was a mutation of a virus, not an infection.

               “That’s the plan,” I said, glancing sideways. The Colonel looked back at me, his eyes hard. “Still working out the details.”

               “Good. Anything my men can do to help, just let us know.”

               I refrained from looking at the Colonel again. Shame he hadn’t been so obliging. “Thank you, sir.”

               “When will you be able to start?”

               I looked behind me. John’s face was unhappy, but his mouth gave a conciliatory twitch. “Right now.”

               “Very good.”

               It was no effort at all to turn away, and I kept my eyes forwards as John led me out of the buzzing room. He didn’t speak, looking around as he strode purposefully along dim corridors and through doors. Eventually, he shoved open a creaky door, and gestured me through first. I stepped into a small room, the walls covered with metal shelving, layered with cardboard boxes and flaking rust. There was a small window, barely larger than a letterbox, at the top of one wall, and it became the only source of light as John shut the door behind us.

               I turned to face him. “Thank you,” I said. “You saved my life back there.”

               John’s face remained closed off, his eyes deep and sad. “Jac.”

               It wasn’t a question, but I nodded anyway, my mouth quirking into something between a smile and a grimace.

               He looked away, staring unseeingly up at the window. “You shouldn’t have come here.”

               “I couldn’t not come.”

               “Because of them?”

               I stared at him. “Lots of reasons.”

               “It was stupid.”

               “Maybe. I guess I was counting on having someone who might take my side.”

               John looked back at me, far too close in the tight space. Something clenched in my chest at his expression.

               “There you go again,” he said, shaking his head. “Your side. Because it’s not the same as our side, is it? It never was.”

               “Then why did you defend me? Why did you agree to help?”

               “Because I couldn’t take it anymore. The men here… we’re more than just soldiers, we’ve been together too long to think otherwise. And killing them…” He shook his head, eyes closing briefly, as if shaking off an irksome fly. The tightness in my chest intensified. How much had he witnessed? Or, I shuddered at the very idea, had he been the one to pull the trigger?

               “What you were saying, about how it wasn’t working, it made sense. If there’s another option, it’s past time to take it.”

               I was the one to drop my eyes now, nodding at the floor.

               “I thought you were dead.”

               The harsh emptiness of his tone made me look up again.

               “I thought, surely… at some point, you must have been… I just assumed no one knew. Lots of bullets flying, it was so easy to believe. But then there you were. And I…” His eyes were boring into me. “I thought I’d come to terms with your death. But it turns out I wasn’t ready to see it happen right there in front of me.”

               “John…” The whisper was too loud, echoing around us in the cramped room, seeming to bounce back off the cold walls. John, John, John. My hand twitched, and I forced it to be still. I desperately wanted to reach out to him, but I stopped myself. I couldn’t be that cruel.

               “Did you have to choose them?” His voice was even quieter than mine, and he looked away from my gaze, shaking himself as if the words had slipped out. Clearing his throat, he stepped backwards, finally putting a sensible space between us. The distance ached.

               “Come on,” he said, his voice all business again. “I’ll show you where the labs are.”

               In one swift movement, he opened the door and stepped outside.

               Without the balance of his presence, I swayed, the space that had seemed so small now like a gaping chasm in front of me, ready to swallow me, body and soul. Scrambling around, I clawed my way out of the door, chasing John’s back as he strode away, not bothering to check if I was following him.

               “John!”

               He turned, looking sideways as he passed another corridor. I hurried to catch up, hearing other footsteps approaching.

               “Their bird got permission to touch down. Some of the men are disembarking.” It was Rick, his hand going to his gun as he became aware of my presence, though he refused to look at me.

               “Anyone we know?”

               “One of them is from San Francisco, he was with us briefly before going north. The others are Prescott’s guys.”

               Denny.

               My indrawn breath drew John’s attention, though Rick stared directly ahead rather than acknowledge me.

               “Alright. I’m swinging by the labs, then I come see what’s going on,” John said with a sigh. He clapped Rick on the shoulder before moving on. Rick didn’t react to the familiar gesture. Only when John was moving away, his back to both of us, did Rick turn to look at me. The expression on his face was not a pleasant one.

               I looked back at him, trying to hide the shrivelling feeling in my stomach. I could remember the first time I’d met Rick, when he’d accompanied John up to my fake home at the gas station in the woods. They’d come to ask for my help, and I had agreed. It had all been a lie.

               I dropped my gaze first, moving around him to follow John.

               With a few turns between us, shielding me from his angry eyes, I let my thoughts turn to the news he had brought. Denny was here, along with some of the other men who had been on the chopper with him. That could only be a good thing, surely? Their superiors had agreed to help me, and with far more enthusiasm than the Colonel had shown. Hopefully, they could provide me with some backup, or at least be a buffer against the anger I was facing on all sides here.

               I looked up at John, walking through the facility without looking back at me.

               Almost all sides.

               He’d done more than I could have dreamed of, despite all I’d done to him. All the lies, all the deception, and he’d still stood up for me, defended me, agreed to help me. I couldn’t help but think that I was just going to hurt him all over again.

Chapter Text

Sometimes I cut myself,

on the fine line,

between laughter and pain,

‘cause it all feels the same to me.

Sometimes – Black Stone Cherry

.

.

The lab was larger than I’d expected, a sprawling system of interconnected rooms with machines and equipment that I’d almost forgotten existed. John stood by the main door as I prowled up and down the double row of benches, eyes roving over the dusty interior of fume hoods, the peeling labels on cabinets and drawers, the blank screens of machines. At the other end of the lab, I came to a halt, reaching out to touch a row of volumetric flasks, just to check that they were real. My fingers left prints in the dust.

               Moving slower now, I walked back towards John. I paused at a fume hood, reaching inside to turn the tap on the sink. It sputtered for a couple of seconds, then a trickle of water splashed out, running down the plug hole, strengthening into a steady flow. I turned the tap off again, looking up at John as I shrugged off my thick coat, throwing it onto the closest bench.

               “Do you guys have power here?”

               John nodded. “There’s some gas generators. It drops out occasionally, but it’s fairly reliable most of the time.”

               He looked away, out the open door, as I nodded absently. There were a couple of small windows, barely bigger than the one in the cupboard, at the end of the room, which let in some light.

               “I have to go see what’s going on with Prescott’s guys,” he said, though he made no move to leave. “Will you be okay here?”

               I nodded, though my stomach clenched slightly, imagining a less friendly figure filling the doorway.

               Still, John didn’t move. His eyes were upon me. “Are you armed?”

               I considered. The truth was ‘yes’, but I wasn’t sure what answer he wanted me to give. Was he checking that I could defend myself, or would he want to take my weapons if I admitted to having them?

               John’s eyes narrowed at my hesitation.

               “Are you sure you want to know?” I asked, playing for time as I tried to read his face.

               “We’re on the same side now.”

               “We might be.”

               His mouth twisted, but I shook my head.

               “I’ll be fine. Go on.” I doubted the truth of my own words, but I’d been lying for too long to stop now.

               Still, he hesitated.

               “You’re not going to be able to babysit me the whole time,” I forced a laugh.

               “I’ll stay.”

               The new voice drifted inside the door like a ghost, its owner following in a similar way. Rick’s face no longer held the anger it had in the corridor, but neither was it reassuring.

               John did not appear to share my misgivings about Rick’s arrival. In fact, his face cleared at once, and he even shared a fist bump with his fellow soldier as he stepped outside. He did not look back.

               Left alone with Rick, I held my place, waiting for him to make the first move.

               He sauntered over to the other bench and leant against it, one hand playing over the butt of his pistol. My eyes followed the falsely casual movement.

               “Yeah, there’s no way you’re not packing,” Rick said, his voice as nonchalant as his fingers. “You’re not that stupid. Then again, I didn’t think you’d be stupid enough to come here either, so, who knows?”

               With an effort, I raised my eyes to his. “Eavesdropping?” I asked, trying to reconstruct a calm façade.

               Rick shrugged. “Why not?”

               I couldn’t argue with that. I looked away from him, though I did not turn my back. Spotting a roll of blue tissue, I ripped off a couple of sheets and began wiping down the bench top. There was a set of squeezy bottles just inside the nearest fume hood. The solvents had long since evaporated, but the white-topped water one was still half-full, and I sprayed the counter liberally, all the while avoiding Rick’s eyes.

               “So how did you get out?”

               I ignored the question, continuing to clean.

               “I mean, we found the skylight that was popped out, so that was pretty obvious, but there’s no way you got up there by yourself. So clearly you had help, but who? Was it just the apes, or someone else?”

               My hands were shaking now, unable to continue their steady wiping. He was too close to the one I hadn’t been letting myself think of. Because he was right. I’d had help. Messy blond hair and wide eyes.

               I looked up at Rick, trying to hide the sudden stillness of my hands. “You still underestimate them.”

               Rick nodded slightly. “Maybe.”

               I looked down again. Surely it wasn’t possible… Was there was way that they didn’t know?

               When I’d been stood across from the Colonel, I’d been waiting for him to throw Lily in my face. Yet she had never even been mentioned. And now Rick was acting as if the possibility of another human with me was just a theory. Had Lily avoided capture?

               Or was the Colonel just waiting for the opportune moment to hold her over me? Rick’s theorisation was too close to the truth to be coincidence. Lily could be somewhere in this very building. Alone. Afraid. They might have hurt her. I swallowed. There was no point deceiving myself. I’d been on the receiving end of the Colonel’s cruelty myself. If Lily was here, she had been hurt. She might even be dead already.

               Rick was still watching me.

               “You know, after you escaped, when John was still recovering, I was there. He’s more than just my CO. He’s my friend. I know him, and I know what you did to him, and if you think I’m going to let you do it again…” His voice was rising now, hands clenching convulsively.

               “Why are you here, Rick?” I cut across him before you could get any further. “You want to shoot me?” Standing up, I stalked around the bench until there was nothing between us. Three feet of air and anger. “Go ahead, but you’d better do it now, because you might not get another chance like this.”

               He was upright now, no longer leaning on the bench, both of us vibrating with the emotions pulsing in the air. But he did not draw his gun.

               “You’re going to talk about what I did to him? What about what you did to me? The apes your Colonel killed – they weren’t just Caesar’s family, they were my friends! And why do we go back further, to when you were torturing me? Dislocated shoulder, broken ribs, deep muscle bruises. I’ve still got the scars. And what about even further back, when you guys brought in chemical gas and released it? You know who got caught up in that? Me. I was right fucking there. I almost went blind in one eye. I was coughing up blood for a week! And you know what? I’m still here to help you, so if you want to shoot me, you go right ahead. Otherwise, stay the fuck out of my way!”

               Somehow, the three feet between us had become three inches. I could feel his breath on my face, could see every fleck of colour in his eyes, could almost hear his heart thundering to the same beat as mine. For a moment, we were frozen, suspended in our own world of bitter accusations. Then Rick’s eyes flicked sideways to the doorway and he drew back, stepping away from me.

               I turned.

               John was back, and he wasn’t alone.

               “You cut your hair,” Denny said.

               I had no words. I just stared at him, stared and stared as if I could swallow him with my eyes. He looked just the same. A little more weathered, a few more lines on his face perhaps, but still with the same ginger hair, the same deep eyes. The same face I’d woken up to on so many cold mornings, after even colder nights, when it seemed like he was the only source of warmth left.

               “It suits you,” Denny continued, cracking a hint of a smile, though it wasn’t as confident as it had once been.

               “Denny…”

               “Long time, no see.”

               I pulled back, reeling. The happier memories, the comfort, the nights tangled together, pushed aside by recollections of what had come after. His rejection after he overheard me admitting to my involvement in the ALZ-113, how he’d told everyone else about it, destroying any possible chance for me to re-join the San Francisco colony.

               “You could say that,” I said, unable to stop the bitterness seeping into my tone.

               Denny’s shoulders dropped a little, his eyes crinkling. “Jac, I’m sorry. Forgive me?”

               I looked at him, and found that it wasn’t even a question. It was in the past now. Any residual anger I might have held was washed away by the wave of relief I felt at seeing him again. I nodded, offering the first true smile I’d given in days.

               Denny returned it, stepping forwards and folding me into a hug. I closed my eyes as I wrapped my arms around him. How long had it been since I’d hugged another human being?

               Too long, was the only answer my mind could supply.

               I shut the voice down, smothering it with memories of other hugs. Stronger, rougher, hairier, but full of love, friendship, emotions beyond count.  I opened my eyes again, looking over Denny’s shoulder at John, who was watching us silently. He met my gaze unflinchingly, with an unreadable expression and once again I felt a coldness in my stomach, like a flicker of guilt for a crime I was yet to commit.

.

.

Denny and I broke apart after several long seconds. His hand rose to touch my hair, barely reaching my ears, and he shook his head ruefully.

               “I can’t believe you cut your hair,” he said.

               “Ages ago,” I admitted. I barely even thought about it anymore, lifting my own hand to rub over my hair.

               “Bloody hell, what happened to your hand?” Denny grabbed my wrist, pulling my left hand towards him, examining the scar on my little finger, two joints shorter than the adjacent digits.

               I gave a short laugh, flexing my hand as I pulled it away from him. “Long story.”

               Denny glanced back over his shoulder at John, who took the cue to join the conversation, though he stayed in the doorway.

               “The guys are getting food upstairs. Came to pick you up before joining them.”

               Rick stood up at once, moving over to stand by his lieutenant. I hesitated.

               Denny gave me a sharp look and snorted. “I remember this. I’ll drag you if I have to.”

               I barely glanced at him, fixing John with a stare. “You sure that’s a good idea?”

               “You’re here to help us, right? They need to get used to that idea.”

               I still didn’t move. His hand drifted to the pistol at his hip and he gave me a tiny nod. I sighed, but returned the gesture, moving over to follow him, glancing at Rick as I did. I thought I knew what the other soldiers' reactions would be to my presence in their midst, and I was pretty sure it would be closer to Rick’s attitude than John’s. I just hoped John wouldn’t need to use the gun at his side. He might say he wasn’t ready for me to be killed in front of him, but I didn’t want to test how far he would go in that resolve just yet.

Chapter Text

I’m on the outside, I’m looking in,

I can see through you, see your true colours.

‘Cause inside you’re ugly, ugly like me.

I can see through you, see the real you.

Outside – Staind

.

.

As I’d expected, the mess hall, which was crammed to capacity and then some, went totally silent as I followed John through the doorway. Every pair of eyes was fixed upon me, and not one of them was friendly.

               “And suddenly no one is hungry,” John said. It wasn’t loud, but in the sudden silence, the words carried.

               “Alright, Den?”

               The voice was unfamiliar to me, a surprisingly warm tone that didn’t fit with all the cold looks I was getting.

               Denny made a non-committal noise at my shoulder. I glanced back to see him glaring at the room at large, his hand on his gun, just like John.

               “This is her then?”

               This time, I managed to identify the speaker, a middle-aged man sat in a close group with four other men, their uniforms slightly different from those around them. These must be the other soldiers from the north, who had been on the helicopter with Denny.

               Denny nodded, and the soldier gave me an appraising glance.

               “Come join us. Budge up, boys, make some room.”

               For a moment, I hesitated, but they were likely to be the least hostile towards me, and the gap on the bench that was appearing was against the wall – no one would be behind me. It was too tempting of an offer to pass up.

               John nudged me with his elbow, pushing me forwards, and I picked my way around the edge of the room to slip onto the bench in the middle of the huddle.

               “Jac, right?”

               I nodded across the table at the one who had spoken, who stuck out a hand between us.

               “Lieutenant Garcia. Call me Miguel.”

               Lieutenant. The same rank as John. My eyes flicked up to check on where John was, wondering if there was a significance to that.

               “Miguel,” I repeated, shaking his hand. “Good to meet you. I understand you guys were on the chopper this morning.”

               “Yes, ma’am,” the one to my left answered. “You’ve got some balls on you. Metaphorically.”

               I snorted slightly as John, Denny, and Rick all joined us, sliding onto the end of the bench. John shoved a bowl across the table and I snagged it before it could fall off the edge.

               “No kidding though, I thought for sure you were going to be shot,” Miguel nodded. “Denny nearly had a brown accident.”

               “Did not,” Denny said, the dignity in his tone undermined somewhat by the sniggers of the other men.

               “Oh please, you bloody whimpered when she got hit,” one of the other scoffed. “You alright, by the way?” He shot the question my way, and I blinked.

               I’d practically forgotten the punch that had connected with my stomach.

               “Yeah. I’ve had worse,” I said, glancing up at Rick as I did. There was no guilt in his expression. Looking down, I pushed up my sleeves as I picked up the spoon resting in my bowl, playing with the oatmeal underneath it.

               “That sort of worse?”

               I looked up at Miguel’s words, not understanding what he meant, until I saw that his eyes were focused on my right forearm. I followed his gaze, looking down at the scars there.

               “Yeah, that was definitely worse.”

               “Is that a bite?”

               The question came from my right, though I didn’t look up in time to see who asked it. There was a bubble of expectant silence around me, that reached much further than the group immediately around me.

               I considered for a second, but if there was a time for honesty, this was probably it. “Yep.” I scooped up a bit of the oatmeal, letting the mutters come.

               “Did one of them do that?” Denny’s voice was somewhere between outrage and shock.

               I didn’t need to ask him what he meant. “Not one of the ones out there,” I told him. “Koba. He’s dead now.”

               “Fuck.”

               I made a non-committal noise through another mouthful of food. “There was history there,” I explained. “A lot of anger.”

               “When did that happen?” Denny asked.

               “Pretty much right after I left the colony the first time,” I said. “When I went up to see about the other guys coming up to work on the dam.”

               “How’d you get away?” Miguel asked.

               “I didn’t,” I shook my head. “Caesar called him off. Saved my life.” I glanced along at John, making sure he was listening. He dropped his eyes back to his own food.

               “Caesar. He’s their leader, right?”

               I nodded.

               “There are loads of stories going around, so be honest,” Miguel leaned forwards, “how smart are they, really?”

               “Well, put it this way,” I said, “however smart you think they are… you’re underestimating them. Everyone does. But if you want to find out, go talk to them.” I looked up from another mouthful of food to see doubtful looks being exchanged. “Seriously.”

               “They… didn’t exactly look like they were in a conversational mood,” Miguel said slowly.

               I snorted. “You didn’t believe that they could talk, you mean. I’ll introduce you at some point.”

               Miguel nodded slowly. “Alright. You’re on.”

               “Speaking of,” I looked along at John, “there’s still a discussion that needs to be had.”

               John dropped his eyes to his bowl, his face scrunching up in what was almost a wince. Still, he nodded. “Yeah, okay,” he mumbled, still not looking at me.

               Pursing my lips, I glared at him. Why the wince? What was he thinking about?

               I pushed my bowl away, crossing my arms on the table as I stared along at him. The other soldiers were watching us, I could see their eyes moving in my peripheral vision, but I didn’t look away from John.

               Denny sniggered. “God, I remember getting that look.” He looked across at John. “Mate, I’d start running now.”

               I didn’t laugh. Every second John refused to look at me, the knot in my stomach was tightening. Something was going on. Something bad. Was John feeling guilty, or just anticipating that it would be something that I wouldn’t be happy about? Either way, the knot was feeling more and more like fear.

               Eventually, with a sigh, John looked up, pushing his bowl away too. “Come on then.”

               There was something about his tone, the hunch of his shoulders, that said ‘let’s get this over with’. It didn’t help the twisting, clenching sensation inside me.

               I pushed to my feet at once. Privately, I agreed with him – probably better to get it over with.

.

.

The cold air outside hit me like a wall, and I regretted the decision to leave my thick coat in the lab. Wrapping my arms around my stomach, I clenched my fingers into the fleece of my jumper and leant into the wind that had sprung up, pushing me back from following John.

               Go away, the wind seemed to be saying to me. Don’t go this way, don’t do this.

               I pushed on.

               Things had changed outside. The adult apes were no longer scattered around the compound, but were huddled into a large, fenced enclosure mirroring that which held the younger ones. The main path that led up to the building separated the two cages. I scowled. Was it really necessary to keep parents from their babies?

               It took a while for the apes to realise I was there, we were halfway to the door leading into their enclosure before there was a ripple of movement, many rising to their feet, some giving hoots or barking calls that were quickly stifled.

               Four soldiers were pacing along the front fence, clutching their rifles nervously at the apes’ vocalisations. Preacher was one of them, though his crossbow was nowhere to be seen. I recognised one of the others as well, though I didn’t know their name.

               John made his way over to the gate at once, his body blocking my view as he opened it. The soldier closest to him moved over, hissing words at him whilst throwing suspicious looks at me. I ignore him, looking through the fence at the apes, who stared back, some knuckling a little closer, but remaining a wary distance from the fence and the soldiers beside it.

               Then the gate was open, and I didn’t care anymore. I didn’t care about the soldiers watching, about their suspicious glares, about John, about Denny.

               It was a miracle that I didn’t trip over, for I had no idea what my feet were doing. All that mattered was that they carried me through that gate, and then there was no more fences, no more barriers, and now I was moving faster, forgetting those behind me, because those ahead were all that mattered.

               They were there. They were all there. Lake, Tinder, Jasmine, Cedar, Oak. Limbs reached out to me, welcoming, comforting.

               I kept turning, looking from one face to another. It took a few moments for me to realise who I was looking for, and I stopped at once.

               They weren’t all there. How could they be? My family would never be complete again. No Cornelia, no Blue Eyes.

               Caesar wasn’t there either, I didn’t know where he was. The others who had gone with him on his revenge mission were absent too - Maurice, Rocket, Luca.

               Still no sign of Lily.

               Swallowing, I refocused, smiling at those around me, returning strokes and grasping hands with all those I could reach. Many of the apes stayed at the back of the enclosure, further away from the soldiers, but they were watching as I crouched down with those who had come to greet me.

               “Hurt?” Lake signed from beside me. “Lots of guns.”

               I shook my head. “I’m okay.”

               “Think they kill you,” Cedar huffed, from across the circle. I looked up at the female, remembering, as I always did, how she’d asked me to help her mate, Gray. How all I’d been able to offer was to end his pain.

               “No. I’m… I’m okay.” It was all I could say. “I’m going to get you guys out of here. Are you all okay? Is anyone hurt?”

               Looks and huffs were exchanged.

               “Hungry. Thirsty. No one hurt.”

               I looked away from the words formed by Lake’s hands, seeing the enclosure around us with new eyes. There was no shelter, no relief from the bare rocks. Any snow was long since turned to muddy slush. And not all of the apes were watching us. Some were lying on the ground, limbs flopping, chests either gusting with panting breaths or barely moving at all.

               “They haven’t given you any food. Or water.” My words weren’t nearly as cold as the feeling in my chest.

               There was a scattering of nods and shaken heads, every expression confirming my statement. I twisted, looking back over my shoulder.

               Most of the soldiers were hovering outside the fence, fingering their weapons. Denny was stood on the other side of the open gate, looking uncertain. John had gone one step further, and was inside, though only just. He dropped his eyes to the floor rather than meet my gaze.

               I stood up, leaving the huddle of apes and stalking across to him. He looked up again as I approached, his lips pressing together, and I wondered just how bad my own expression was. All I knew was that it wasn’t bad enough.

               My fingers were flexing as I stopped in front of him and his eyes darted down to the movement. I hoped he knew exactly how tempted I was to punch him right at that moment. It was the thought of the apes behind me, rather than the guns in front, that held my hands by my sides. Still, it was a close call.

               “Really? No food or water? Seriously?”

               He didn’t say anything.

               “And you didn’t do anything about it.”

               I could read the answer in his eyes, full of guilty defiance.

               I wondered for a moment if I could get away with shoving John, even if punching him was a step too far and balled my hands into even tighter fists to restrain them.

               “You are going to change this. Right now.”

               John looked past me, eyes moving back and forth.

               What did he see? Animals? Beasts to be used and abused and cast aside? How could I do anything in the face of such blindness?

               I saw friends, families, individuals. I saw humour and laughter and tears and pranks and love. He saw the enemy.

               His eyes came back to me. They were still hard, still defiant. But there was a hint of shame in them too. A hint of hope. He nodded.

               I glared at him for another moment, still debating the merits of various forms of physical assault, then turned away, stomping back over to the apes.

               “Think they definitely kill you,” Cedar said. I shook my head, but it did make me smile at least.

               Lake was still looking past me, across towards the fence. “Remember him,” she signed. She looked at me, touching a finger to her lips. I knew that this wasn’t a sign.

               I grimaced slightly, refusing to look back at John as I nodded. “I don’t think that will be happening again,” I said, squashing the spark of sadness in my chest at the words.

               It was definitely not going to be happening again.

               I turned towards Lake properly, lowering my voice. “Lake, where’s Lily?”

               Lake huffed slightly. “Not know,” she signed. “Not see.”

               My heart dropped.

               Jasmine chuffed on the other side of me and I turned to watch her hands. “Saw her. With us when the soldiers came. She had Caesar’s son.”

               Despite myself, I glanced away, looking across to the other enclosure that held the younger apes. Cornelius was there, pressed up against the fence, eyes watching all that was going on. Jasmine’s son, Oren, was beside him. As I looked, movement drew my eyes and I got a shock. Caesar was there, in a much smaller cage sat a few feet away from the enclosure with the younger apes in. He too, was watching us. I met his gaze for a second, then turned away, back to Jasmine.

               “What happened to her?” I asked, wishing that my voice didn’t shake.

               “Started coming with us. Was okay. Not seen her after.”

               Lily had been okay. She had survived the initial attack by the soldiers. But she hadn’t been seen since. I swallowed, trying not to think of the different possible scenarios that could have occurred since then. Sending a suspicious glance up at the compound looming over us, I pushed down the twisting in my stomach. Was she in there someone? So close, but so out of reach?

               The apes around me all shifted, standing up, Cedar backing away a pace. I looked around, seeing John carrying two buckets into the enclosure. From his measured pace and the tautness of his arms, they were very heavy. Water slopped over the edge of one as he navigated the uneven terrain. Denny was a few steps behind him, having hesitated at the gate. He threw several glances at me before depositing his two burdens and retreating several steps. John was watching me too, though he didn’t back off from the buckets.

               I stood up, moving away from the apes, on a diagonal path towards the gate. As I’d hoped, John followed my lead, moving to intercept me. Once he was away from the water, the apes moved forwards, the bolder ones hurrying up to the buckets, heaving them further back into the relative safety of the enclosure.

               A gentle touch on my wrist made me turn before I’d reached John and I found Oak had followed me, rather than go with his fellows to the water. The gorilla drew back a little as I spun, his deep eyes intent as he looked at me.

               “Saw her,” he grunted, eyes darting past me then back again.

               Knowing that John was only a few feet away, I raised my hands. “Lily? You see her?” I signed.

               Oak huffed, ducking his head in a nod. “Afterwards. Was lots of noise, distraction. She ran,” he signed, following my lead. “Soldiers shoot. Not know if she’s hurt. Kept running.”

               Lily had gotten away. I wanted to jump into the air and whoop. She was alive, she was safe, far away from all this madness. Then I sobered. Or had she been shot by the soldiers, and bled out, alone in the snow?

               I nodded to Oak, signing a quick thanks. He knuckled away, following the others to the precious water, leaving me standing alone, stranded in a sea of possibilities, not sure which, if any, were good.

               Dead or alive, wounded or safe, near or far… did any of it make any difference?

               “Jac?”

               I blinked and a tear ran down my face. Crap. Wiping it away, along with any others that might have followed, I turned around, not meeting John’s eyes as I hurried past him.

               “Hey, Jac!”

               Ignoring his cry, and dodging his reaching hand, I made it through the gate, only to be met with Denny’s concerned expression.

               “Hey, what’s wrong?” Denny’s voice was gentler, soft, reminding me of nights long ago.

               I turned away from him as well. None of them was the one I wanted, just reminders that she wasn’t here.

               Shaking my head slightly, I looked across at the other soldiers, who seemed unsure of how to react to my wet eyes. “Afraid the introductions will have to wait,” I said, eyes fixed on Miguel’s shoulder. If I looked at any of their faces, I thought I might start crying again.

               “Sure thing,” Miguel said cautiously. “C’mon lads, I reckon those guys could do with some water too.”

               He turned and walked off, his unit flanking him. John and Denny remained where they were, standing on either side of me. Both seemed to be waiting for the other one to leave so that they could talk to me. I couldn’t have been less interested in their contest, or in talking to them.

               I left them glaring at each other, walking away to the only one there who I felt that maybe I could talk to, pushing my worry over Lily away as I did. I couldn’t think about her right now. I couldn’t afford that weakness.

               Caesar didn’t move as I approached him. If not for his sharp eyes following me, he could have been oblivious to my arrival. Lowering myself to the ground, I ignored the cold snow and sharp rocks beneath it, leaning one shoulder against his cage, wrapping my hand around one of the cold bars.

               Looking straight ahead, I could see past the scattered rocks of the wall the soldiers had been trying to build. Caesar was visible in my peripheral vision, still not moving. We were both silent for a long time.

               I sighed. “How the fuck did we end up here?”

               “You forget so easily.”

               My jaw clenched as I turned my head, meeting his unflinching gaze. “I haven’t forgotten,” I said.

               “Really?” His eyes flicked away from me and he switched to sign language. “See no chains for you. Which side are you on?”

               I smacked my hand onto the bars of the cage. “How many times are we going to have this discussion?” I snarled.

               Caesar didn’t flinch, though some of the younger apes let out alarm calls, skittering away from the fence. Cornelius was there, his face visible to me past his father’s arm. He didn’t retreat from my angry gesture, his grip tight on the fence, face stretched in a constant whine.

               I flexed my fingers, working out the sting from the impact. “I work to get you free,” I signed, leaning forwards. “Put that brain of yours to work,” I hissed. “If I not follow you, I not be here. Not give food, water.” My hands faltered and I paused, wondering if my next words would be taking it too far. But I couldn’t hold them back. “If I on their side, I tell them that you have another son.”

               Caesar growled, his fur puffing out, lips drawling back to show his canines.

               “Shut up,” I snapped, slapping the bars again. We glared at each other. His growl was a long time in fading away.

               “You wouldn’t—”

               “Of course not,” I snapped. “Was not a threat.” I closed my eyes, taking a breath in the safe darkness behind my eyelids. When I opened them again, Caesar’s eyes had drifted away from me, tracking someone moving behind me. Moments later, Miguel and his men passed into my line of sight, carrying more buckets of water.

               Turning away from them, I shifted around to face Caesar fully, both hands gripping the bars of his cage. The cold metal was harsh against my palms.

               “I wish we could just go back,” I said, my eyes unfocused, looking into a different time. “When things were simpler. All the way back… Do you remember beating me at chess? Thrashed me, almost every time.” I smiled slightly, shaking my head. “What happened to us?”

               Caesar’s face was as cold as the metal under my hands. “There is no going back,” he said.

               I felt my heart break and re-forge at his words. I didn’t retreat, or release the bars, but something deep inside me loosened. Looking straight into his eyes, I saw without emotion. Without expectation. And I recognised what I saw.

               “If you were free right now, all of you, with the chance to leave, you wouldn’t take it, would you?” I said. It wasn’t really a question. “You’d do the same thing again. Leave your family again. You know who you remind me of? Someone else who couldn’t let go of his anger?”

               I didn’t say his name. I didn’t need to.

               Caesar looked away.

               “You can’t even deny it,” I shook my head slowly. I watched him avoid my gaze, then sat back, uncurling my hands from the cold metal bars. It was hard to let go.

               Caesar finally looked back at me as I stood up, our faces mirrors of cold glass. I wanted desperately to say something, to show him in some way that I hadn’t given up, that this step back was not me turning away, but the words wouldn’t come. How could I sum up everything that hung unspoken between us?

               “Think of your family,” I signed eventually, before raising my two fists in front of me. “Apes together strong.”

               It was hard to push away the memory of Blue Eyes teaching me that sign, soon after I’d met Lily. He’d told me that I was family. For the first time, the thought of him didn’t bring tears to my eyes. The pain was still there, raw, deep, cutting, but it no longer crippled me.

               Turning away from Caesar, I glanced around. The apes, both adults and juveniles, were huddled around their buckets of water. It wasn’t enough, not by a long way, but it was a start.

               John and Denny were still standing together, watching me intently. I nodded, unsure exactly which of them it was directed at, and led the way back into the buildings. It was time for me to uphold my end of the bargain, and see if I could repay some of the debt I owed to the world.

Chapter Text

I can’t stand the distance,

I can’t dream alone

I Will Always Return – Bryan Adams

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.

The lab, despite having only been in it once before, was oddly inviting when I returned to it, John, Denny, Miguel, and the rest of their unit trailing behind me. Leaving them ranged awkwardly around the door, I made my way into the centre of the room. It wasn’t particularly warm, but after the bitter cold outside, it felt almost tropical, and I shed another jumper, throwing it aside onto the thick coat that I’d left earlier.

               Scanning around the cupboards, I spotted a set of drawers labelled “PPE” and headed over, pulling them open one at a time. The second one from the bottom yielded an assortment of boxes of gloves and I pulled out the mediums, ripping the top open and extracting a couple, dropping them onto the dusty desk. I didn’t look back at the door as I pulled a handgun from the back of my waistband, ejecting the clip and checking the chamber before tossing it onto my jumper, putting the clip back into my pocket.

               “Good to know it wasn’t all lost on you,” Denny said.

               I gave half a laugh, remembering him drilling me on gun safety.

               He moved over, picking up the weapon and looking over it. “What happened to the Glock I left for you?”

               I paused in the act of pulling on the gloves, thinking. I knew what he was talking about – the gun he’d left for me before I’d gone up to meet the apes for the first time. I’d had it all the way through all that business, and when I’d come back down to the city to try and stop Koba too. In fact, I’d had it when I’d first been infiltrating the soldiers… My eyes snapped to John. The last time I’d seen it had been before I’d been shut in a room and beaten to try and get information about the apes.

               “I’m not sure,” I said, not taking my eyes off John.

               “Ouch.”

               “I had it for a long time. It was good, thank you.”

               I turned away from them, gloves on now, and moved around to the other side of the bench, opening the cupboards under the fume hoods. The labels on the outside of the doors were faded away, but the labels on the bottles inside were still legible. This particular one held various acids, sulfuric, glacial acetic, hydrochloric, nitric. There was even a single bottle of bromic acid. I raised an eyebrow. That was a new one to me. I wondered vaguely what they would have used it for, then moved on, making a mental note of where the acids were.

               “Anything we can do?”

               I looked up, smiling a little at the sight of them all still standing awkwardly around the doorway. Sitting back on my heels, I considered the question. I wasn’t sure how much they would be able to do here—most of what I needed would probably fall to John to organise. He didn’t avoid my gaze.

               “Still need someone to get my old notes from San Francisco,” I reminded him. “And blood samples from as many people as possible, once I’ve got stuff a bit more sorted down here.”

               John nodded. “I can get the ball rolling on that.” He hesitated, half turning away but not leaving. He didn’t say anything either.

               “Any of the rest of you want to pitch in, grab some gloves, see what you can find in the cupboards.”

               Denny stepped forwards at once, two of the other soldiers following him.

               “If you find chemicals, shout out, preferably not touching them. Anything broken or spilled, definitely don’t touch it. Rewrite labels, or just on the cupboards if it’s boring stuff.”

               “Is any of this boring?” Denny asked, picking up one of the volumetric flasks and tilting it.

               “Do we actually have a pen to write labels?” one of the others asked, and we were all silent for a moment.

               “Okay, eyes open for stationary as well.”

               I was vaguely aware of John speaking quietly to Miguel, but ignored them, moving along to the next cupboard, until he spoke my name.

               “Jac?”

               I looked up, somewhat reluctantly.

               “A word?”

               Across the room, Denny’s head had come up, watching us over the other bench. I paused, then closed the cupboard I had just opened and peeled off my gloves as I moved over. John didn’t wait for me to reach him, but stepped out into the corridor. I crossed my arms as I followed him, shoulders hunched against the questions I could feel coming.

               “Where in the city were your notes? We’ll send a guy with a radio, but the closer we can get, the faster it will be.”

               “Oh.” I uncrossed my arms. “They’re in the zoo, near the giraffe enclosure.”

               “Okay, I’ll pass that on. What happened out there? Why were you crying?”

               It was the question I’d expected, but after his misdirection, I was caught off guard and floundered for an answer.

               “Why, can’t you imagine anything out there that would have upset me?” I shot at him, hoping the accusation in my tone would cover for my pause beforehand.

               John shook his head, his face grim. “It was something specific, something they told you. What was it?”

               I looked at him, but couldn’t open my mouth.

               “Please tell me. We’re on the same side now. I might be able to help.”

               You might have done it in the first place… I forced down the thought. He was right, I wasn’t going to be able to do anything to help Lily from here. The question was whether I was willing to trust John with her life, as well as my own. But if Lily was unhurt, doing her own planning, would I be betraying her?

               She’s already hurt, I reminded myself. She’d been shot in the attack that had killed Blue Eyes and Cornelia. Out there in the cold, with an injured leg, all alone.

               I swallowed, then glanced over my shoulder. The door to the lab was within sight, though I couldn’t hear of the guys inside. Still, I took half a step closer to John, lowering my voice.

               “When you caught the apes, there was a woman with them.”

               John’s face cleared at once to a studiously blank expression, though his jaw was clenched.

               “The apes said that she got away, but that she was being shot at. And now she could be dead in a ditch for all I know!”

               I looked away from him, thumping my fist into the wall beside her as I let out an angry breath.

               “You care about her?”

               “Yeah, no shit!”

               “What’s her name?”

               “Lily,” I smiled at the wall. “I called her Archer.” I shook my head, waving a hand through the air. “Look, just forget it. Just… make sure the apes get something to eat. Please. And they need more shelter too, especially the young ones, but the adults too. They’re not meant for cold climates.”

               “I’ll sort something out. Listen…” John glanced over his shoulder like I’d done. “I don’t need to tell you to be careful here. It’s going to take some time for people to come around. You can trust Rick, but…”

               I snorted, cutting him off. “Rick hates me as much as the rest of them, maybe more. You saw us earlier. I don’t know what we might have done if you hadn’t interrupted us.” I met John’s eyes. “He says I hurt you.”

               John smiled painfully. “I’m not going to deny that.” He raised a hand, touching my chin briefly. My heart stuttered. “But what’s important is that you’re helping us now. I’ll talk to Rick. He’s with me. And I spoke to Garcia in there, he knows the deal. You trust the other guy, Denny?”

               I nodded.

               “Okay. Don’t be alone. Ever.”

               “And you?” The words slipped out, fuelled by the burning memory of his hand on my face.

               “I’ll be around. I’ve got to get a guy off down south.”

               Right. As I’d asked him to. Stay on track, Jac.

               “Okay… let me know when they get close.”

               John nodded. “Yes, ma’am. See you later.” He turned and was gone.

               I stood there for another moment, raising a hand to touch my face, as if I would be able to feel his fingers there. Then I shook myself and headed back into the lab.

               The soldiers looked up at my entrance and one of them triumphantly held up a Sharpie.

               “Jackpot.”

Chapter Text

Open windows, closing doors,

God can’t help us anymore.

Souls forever come and go,

Burn all the bridges and fire in the hole!

Fire in the Hole – Five Finger Death Punch

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.

Staring blankly at the screen in front of me, I stroked my fingers over the book in my lap and thought. I thought hard.

               It wasn’t like I didn’t have time to do so; the computer attached to the high power microscope hadn’t been turned on in over a decade, and it wasn’t sure that it wanted to do it now. It was so slow that I’d grabbed one of the chemistry books from the stack that Denny had found, and propped it open on my lap, a desk lamp directed at the pages.

               The rest of the room, and the adjoining labs, were dark and quiet. The natural light had long since faded from the windows. It must have been very late. Miguel and Denny were sat against the benches in the other lab, dozing. I wasn’t tired. My brain was too busy running in ever-more-painful circles.

               There was no way I was actually going to be able to find a cure for this new strain of ALZ. It was impossible. There just wasn’t the resources, or equipment, or the time. Our lab in Gen-Sys had been state of the art, with every possible chemical available to order, every piece of necessary equipment available within the building, a whole team of analysts to examine samples. Here, I had a dodgy power supply and everything was 15 years out of date.

               As part of a quarantine facility, the labs here were designed for analysing samples. I would be able to detect the new virus, maybe even isolate it. But synthesise a cure? No way. I’d known that would be the case even before I made the deal with the colonel.

               But there was more than one way to make up for the mistakes of my past. No matter how many times Caesar doubted me in the blindness of his grief, I’d made my choice many times over, and I’d never regretted it yet. This world no longer belonged to humans. It was only a matter of time before it became a planet of apes.

               This new mutation of the virus was just speeding the process along by removing the remaining humans. My part was to make sure the apes survived to see their new world, and that meant getting them out of here.

               The Colonel, and the General I’d spoken to briefly on the radio, even John, they were all so focused on the possibility that I could stop this virus that none of them had realised that they had given me access to a chemistry lab. And they had no idea of what I could do with it. Soldiers weren’t the only ones who could wage wars. Guns weren’t the only weapons in the world.

               The bottle of toluene had been my first discovery. From what I remembered, TNT could be hard to detonate, but it wasn’t impossible, and it wasn’t difficult to make.

               My second discovery took a little longer to click into place, but far outshone the previous one when it did. The front of the label had peeled off, leaving only the first two letters - “gl-“ – visible. But on the side, the full chemical name was given. Propane-1,2,3-triol.

               It was a long time since I’d had to think in chemical terms, and it took me a while to work out the common name. The hint of the first two letters helped. Propanetriol. Also known as glycerol. Which had lead me to the book I was now holding.

               I looked down, scanning the information again. It wasn’t much, just a tiny section used to illustrate enthalpy changes.

               ‘Nitroglycerine: the chemistry of an explosive.’

               I read the words again. It was right there. So easy.

               ‘… too dangerous in its pure form… extremely sensitive to shock… made by treating glycerol with a mixture of concentrated sulfuric acid and nitric acid…’

               There wasn’t a lot of detail about its synthesis, it was true, but there were other books that I could check. Between them, they would surely have enough information for me to give it a go. I would have to make some other stuff as well, hide it among other experiments, but I was sure that it was possible.

               I looked up at the computer screen in front of me, which had gone black again. Through the dust, my reflection looked back at me.

               She could do it, that emotionless face looking back at me, and she was willing to.

               “Hey.”

               The whisper made me jump and I spun around so fast that the book nearly went flying.

               “Sorry,” John murmured, moving over to sit on the stool next to mine.

               “Christ,” I whispered back, closing the book as casually as I could, sliding it onto the bench between us. “What was that for?”

               “Hey, I didn’t mean to. I was trying not to wake the others.”

               I looked back through the door to where I could see Denny’s legs stretched out across the floor. We were both silent for a few seconds, listening to the deep, even, breathing.

               “Anything interesting?” John asked, pulling the textbook towards him, looking at the cover.

               I snorted. “Not really what I was hoping for. It’s giving me plenty of flashbacks to my college days though.”

               John chuckled softly. “Sounds painful.”

               I made a non-committal noise.

               “Beaky set off for San Francisco just before sunset.”

               “Beaky?”

               “It’s a nickname. He likes birds. Plus, he’s got a hell of a nose.”

               We both laughed a little at that.

               “Anyway, he grew up near the city, has been there a few times before, so he should do okay.”

               “Okay, thanks for letting me know.” I glanced at the screen again, which was now displaying a mouse cursor. Even as I watched, it changed to the spinning hourglass that reminded me of Windows 97. Who still used that? I rubbed my face.

               “You should get some sleep, it’s late.”

               “Hmmm. In a minute.”

               “It’ll still be here in the morning.”

               “Don’t remind me,” I groaned, watching that stupid little hourglass turning over and over and over. “No doubt it’ll still be trying to boot up.”

               “Can you just relax for two seconds? Just come…”

               I raised an eyebrow at him. Was it just the odd light, or was there a flush of colour in his face?

               “I didn’t say anything.”

               “I didn’t hear anything.” That was a bald-faced lie. I’d heard ‘come to bed’ as loudly as if he’d shouted it.

               He cleared his throat, his ears undeniably red now. “Yeah. I didn’t say anything.”

               I snorted, grinning, both as his discomfort, and at the idea that just maybe, in another time, we could have… I pulled my mind away from that. It had been a long time.

               “God, can you imagine if your dad caught us though?”

               “Hey, it’s not like he gets me out of bed anymore.”

               I had a clap a hand over my mouth to hold in my laughter this time, and he grinned back, if slightly sheepishly.

               “What was he like?” I asked, once the giggles had died down. “The Colonel? Before all this?”

               John swivelled around on his stool absently, staring off into a dark corner. “How far back do you want to go?” he murmured, as if to himself. “He was alright, as they go. Not always around, always eager for a discussion when he was. He liked old stories. The Greek heroes, Beowulf, all that sort of stuff.” He snorted slightly. “We were talking about Beowulf when we first arrived down here on the Dedalus.”

               “Your mother?”

               He shook his head. “She died not long after the first infections. It wasn’t actually the Flu. Something else. Probably curable, but there was no one to go to. Dad wasn’t there, he was already fighting. It was…” he grimaced. “It was really bad up there, in the beginning. Hell, even after the beginning.”

               I nodded, thinking about Lily, on the move for ten years. “I think we were quite lucky down here. Everyone settled fairly quickly. A few roving gangs afterwards, but nothing too bad.”

               “What about your guy?”

               “My guy?”

               “The one who died. Caesar’s son.”

               I went still. The one your father killed, you mean?

               “Blue…” I rubbed an itch in the middle of my forehead. “He was… God. He was wonderful. He was so sweet, and caring. Even through all of this shit. And he could always surprise me. He didn’t want me to join up with you guys, back that first time. When I was up by the gas station, waiting for you guys to come up… every single time I saw him, he would tell me not to do it, ask me to come back with him, say that it wasn’t worth it. I shouted at him over it, actually. Shouldn’t have done that.

               “But, man, he could make me laugh too. He was always doing something stupid, saying something stupid. I’d turn around and see him watching me, all serious, looking just like his dad, but then he’d stick his tongue out and go gallivanting off.”

               I laughed, sniffing at the same time.

               “We were always talking to each other, improving his speech. Most of them can talk, but it’s like their signing, a bit rough and ready, but him… he could have performed Shakespeare one day, I swear.”

               I trailed off. John remained silent, waiting, perhaps sensing that I wasn’t done yet.

               “He wasn’t really interested at the start. Thought it was a waste of time. This was before you guys got here, though we knew you were coming. I told him that negotiations were the best outcome we could hope for, and something like how if they sounded more human, they might get treated as more human. And he…” I took a couple of deep breaths, feeling the quivering in my chin and my throat. “He would have been the one to do it.”

               I broke on the final word, covering my mouth as I hunched forwards, trying not to wake the guys in the other room. These weren’t like the silent tears that I’d shed outside for Lily. My back shook with the sobs, slipping past my hands to hover in the room around us. With a lot of gulping, I held the sobs inside, sitting up a little and giving a watery smile. John didn’t return the expression, his face solemn.

               “You would have liked him,” I said, and I was gone again.

               “Jeez, what are you guys doing in here?” Denny’s sleepy voice moved closer, and his familiar arms came around me. I couldn’t look up, leaning into his shoulder as I continued to cry. Beneath my sobs, I heard John get up and leave. No one said anything to stop him.

*             *             *

The cold hallways were empty as John walked down them, barely watching where he was going, climbing stairs with a heavy tread. The Colonel’s rooms, when he reached them, were still lit, the door standing open, but there was no one inside. John paused for a moment, looking around at the organised clutter, then made his way out onto the balcony, resting his elbows on the railing as he looked out across the compound.

               The lights were still on, reflecting off the snow, the men throwing dark shadows that rippled across the uneven ground as they paced back and forth. Their breaths plumed as icy mist, drifting away into the air.

               John crossed his arms, leaning forwards to look down to the smaller cage below. He could just about make out the huddle of featureless brown fur within it. The leader. Caesar.

               What had he and Jac been arguing about? For it had been an argument, there was no denying that. Even if they’d done most of their communication in sign language, the words that had been spoken were angry. The growls, the aggression on both sides had been unmistakable. What was he thinking now? Was he planning a way out, some new scheme? Or was he remembering his son?

               You would have liked him.

               John lifted his gaze, away from the captives, away from his men, staring unseeingly out to the horizon and beyond. Jac’s voice had been tremulous all the way through, and broken on the last word, so that it was barely intelligible.

               And then there was the moment when she’d gone in with the adult apes. Not a trace of fear in her step as she moved among them, and there had been genuine affection in their reunion, on both sides. Almost like she was one of them. Almost like they were friends. But surely that wasn’t possible… was it?

               Damn her, John thought viciously. Damn her twice over. But there was another feeling beneath the harsh overtone of the thought. Something deeper, twisting below the fiery surface.

               “Lieutenant.”

               John turned, straightening up. “Sir.”

               “It’s cold out tonight.”

               “Yes, sir.” It was cold inside too, a shard of ice embedded in his chest. And damn him, he couldn’t dislodge it.

               The Colonel made no further comment, turning away from the door, moving over to the table. John followed, pushing the sliding doors closed without having to be asked. They’d stood open for so long that it made no difference to the chill inside the room, but the Colonel seemed not to feel it. He sat down, nodding at the other chair. With only the barest hesitation, John came forwards, sitting down across from his father.

               This was where it had started, where she had stood, so hard and defiant, but honest too, honest for the first time. And he hadn’t thought about rank, about the witnesses, about anything. Hadn’t thought about his family.

               Put that down, or I’ll put myself in front of it.

               The words had come from the shard of ice inside him. Unbidden, unconsidered, spoken without thought. But it hadn’t been an empty threat. Even afterwards, John knew that he would have followed through. Would have stood facing his father, against him. For her.

               And that chilled him to the bone.

               “Well?”

               John shook himself, sitting up a little straight. The Colonel was waiting.

               “Not much to report, Sir. She’s been going through the lab, taking inventory of what’s there, trying to get some of the equipment running.”

               “This is after her little excursion outside.”

               “Yes, Sir. She wasn’t impressed with the conditions. Dug her heels in.”

               “Hmmm.”

               “Sir, what are we going to do with them now? The apes?”

               The Colonel’s eyes flicked over him. “In what way?”

               “It just doesn’t seem very… sustainable.”

               “From what she said, she could be working here for a while. It wouldn’t hurt for this place to be more defensible. I intend to put them back to work.”

               John nodded.

               “What about Prescott’s men? What have they been doing?”

               “Following her around, mostly. It seems one of them was in the San Francisco colony with her.”

               “Are they close?”

               “Hard to tell, sir. It seems like they were, but not so much now.”

               The Colonel nodded, sitting back in his chair. “Anything else to report?”

               John looked down at the table, remembering the way Jac had glanced around before saying anything, checking to see if anyone else might have been able to hear. Her tears in the cold air before, her sharp words afterwards.

               You care about her?

               Yeah, no shit!

               Her tone had been angry, but it wasn’t enough to hide the fear underneath, her concern over this other woman who had been with the apes.

               John looked back up at his father. “Yeah, there is something else.”

Chapter Text

Windmill, windmill, for the land,
is everybody in?
Feel Good – Gorillaz

.

.

“Got another three here.”

               I looked up as Anita slid the three sample tubes into the rack. “Thanks. Labelled?”

               “And recorded.” She tapped the clipboard as she put it down. “That’s everyone for the moment. I’ll see if I can scrounge up any more volunteers at dinner.”

               I nodded. “Okay. How many does that make?”

               “So far…” She checked the clipboard. “Twenty-one.”

               “Have you got time for one more before you go?”

               Anita frowned. “Sure, who?”

               I held out my arm in answer.

.

.

The sting that remained after she’d gone was familiar to me — I’d given blood a few times before the world went crazy, as well as contributing samples for Will’s work. Keeping my left elbow bent, I filled in the sheet where we’d been keeping track of the samples. A number to match with the ones on the test tubes, then name, gender, blood group. I snorted a brief laugh at the earlier entries. The soldiers had, without exception, given their rank as well as their names. I shook my head as I duplicated my details down next to the numbers 22, 23, 24, and 25.

               Luckily, the quarantine facility wasn’t short on the sample tubes. Getting the soldiers to agree to fill them was another matter. Twenty-one. I wasn’t sure how many men the Colonel had, but I was sure it was a lot more than that. I scanned up the list. Denny and Miguel were both on there, and I guessed several of the surrounding names must belong to those who had arrived with them. Another name jumped out at me.

               Sgt Rick Stephens.

               I glanced behind me.

               Rick himself was sitting on top of one of the benches in the neighbouring lab, throwing a screwed-up ball of paper up in the air and catching it again. I looked away again in case he saw me watching him. It seemed that John had followed through on his promise to talk to Rick, who had stumped into the lab to take his shift in the guard duty that seemed to have been set up around me. He hadn’t spoken a single word to me directly though. Still, it was better than when we’d been shouting accusations at each other.

               Of John himself, I’d seen nothing all day. I was torn between embarrassment and righteous anger at my break down the previous evening. Part of me cringed every time I thought about it, but another part was keen to point out at every opportunity that I was justified in my grief. Plus, it had been the actions of the soldiers, the Colonel, John’s father, that had caused it in the first place. It was only right that he should have left. Right that he should have retreated.

               But then why did I feel something shrivel inside me whenever I remembered the soft sounds of his departure?

               Loud voices echoing down the corridors interrupted my thoughts and I came to my feet, hurrying through into the other lab, eyes fixed on the door, which was propped open. Rick had slipped off the bench, his rifle held ready in his hands. He spared a single glance for me as I came to a halt next to him, then refocused on the door without comment. Running footsteps, pounding every closer, overlapping shouts, a tangle of confused words.

               A single figure swung around the door, panting slightly as their eyes found mine.

               “There’s another one,” the soldier said, eyes fixed on me. “With the new disease. Outside.”

               Rick lowered his rifle, snorting slightly. “Probably dead already.”

               I stepped forwards. “Show me.”

               Rick sighed.

.

.

The corridors flashed past, the unknown soldier leading the way, Rick bringing up the rear. His words chased me as we ran. Probably dead already. I didn’t believe it, refused to. The new virus couldn’t kill that fast, or there would have been no need for the executions the Colonel had been carrying out.

               Outside, blinking against the falling sun, we honed in on a knot of people, their angry voices drawing us in. Our guide fell back, but I pushed on, muscling my way through to the middle of the commotion.

               A single soldier stood, apparently stunned, in the centre, turning this way and that with wide eyes. Around him, three or four soldiers, including one who I recognised as being with Miguel, stood, facing outwards, hands and weapons raised towards the final ring of people, who were screaming at them, some with rifles pointing at them, others aimed at the confused soldier in the middle.

               “Jac!”

               “That’s her!”

               “Back off!”

               The crowd opened up a little as my presence was registered, the volume dipping as heads turned to gauge my reaction. The lone man in the middle, responding to the quiet, perhaps, staggered a few steps my way, and everyone, even those who had been defending him, flinched away, opening up the space around him even more.

               “Don’t let him touch you… get away… look out!”

               The renewed calls of alarm echoed into silence.

               “This is her fault! Get her!” The shout came from the other side of the circle, loud in the lull, but several other voices were raised in agreement.

               Rick was by my shoulder in an instant, rifle cocked and ready. “Back off!” he barked.

               The muttering lessened, bleeding away into the white snow. The only movement was that of the single soldier, turning back and forth, eyes still darting around.

               Swallowing, I took a step forwards, digging in my pocket and coming up with a pair of blue gloves as I did. I snapped them on as I approached further, intensely aware of everyone watching me. The soldier leant away from me as I drew closer, though he didn’t step away.

               “It’s okay,” I said.

               His eyes fixed on me briefly at my words, then darted away again.

               “What’s his name?” I asked the crowd at large. There was a silence, the shuffling of some feet. “One of you must know him,” I snapped. “What’s his name?”

               “Nathan. Goes by Natty,” someone, a female voice, spoke up at last.

               “Natty,” I repeated. I took a final step forwards, reaching out and catching his hands in my gloved ones. Someone watching gasped. “Natty, can you understand me?”

               Natty’s eyes, a dark muddy brown, were fixed on me now, sliding from our joined hands up to my face. He opened his mouth, but nothing came out. Just a harsh rasping, croaking, as if something was stuck in his throat.

               I grimaced. Did he not understand, or had he just not considered the possibility that he could nod or shake his head? Accustomed to being able to summon words at whim, maybe he couldn’t comprehend that it was no longer possible.

               “Okay, it’s okay,” I tried to soothe him, despite my internal turmoil. “Come with me, come on.”

               I moved backwards, keeping hold of his wrists, and he came with me easily, the other soldiers hurrying to get out of our path, leaving a wide berth around us. Rick backed up with me, but he’d taken several steps away as well.

               Looking back over Natty’s shoulder, I saw the mob watching us leave with angry eyes, unable to conceal the fear behind the expressions. So that was what Rick had meant with his words earlier. It seemed there was going to be a lot of work outside the lab to get the soldiers to come around to my way of thinking, rather than imitating the Colonel’s violent solutions. I glanced back over my shoulder to check where we were going, leading Natty away from the vengeful eyes, towards safety. It was a start.

.

.

I’d barely managed to get Natty into one of the small isolation rooms that we’d found, fifteen of them in total, hidden away in the back of the facility, before another soldier came hurrying up the corridor behind me.

               I vaguely recognised him as the same one who had interrupted my standoff with the Colonel, bringing news that Prescott was on the radio.

               “Ummmm…”

               I raised an eyebrow at him, hovering several feet away.

               “Spit it out,” Rick said, making the younger man jump, and turn towards him.

               “Sergeant, Beaky is on the radio, says he’s reached the city.”

               Rick nodded. “We’ll be right there.”

               The younger soldier went scuttling off at once at the dismissal and Rick turned back to me, eyes flicking past me to the small room where Natty was pacing, hands running over the walls.

               “He can’t get out, right?” It was the first words he’d spoken to me directly all day.

               In response, I held up a set of keys. There was a spare set on a hook on the wall, so I shoved the ones I held into my pocket.

               Rick nodded. “Let’s go.” Turning, he walked away, and I had to jog a few paces to draw level with him, peeling off my gloves carefully as I did.

               “John—”

               “John’s not here,” Rick spoke over me.

               My stomach swooped. “Where is he?”

               “Not here.” His tone did not invite further comment.

               The room with the radio equipment, once we reached it, was almost empty, the nervous young man who’d come to find us glancing over his shoulder at our entrance. Rick seemed to know his way around the space, moving confidently over to the left-hand wall, fiddling with some of the many dials.

               “What channel is he on?” he asked.

               “16.”

               A few more twists and flicks.

               “Beaky, come in.”

               “Sheriff? That you?”

               From the side, I caught Rick rolling his eyes. “Yeah. How’s it going down there?”

               “Weird being back here, y’know? And man, this zoo is giving me the creeps. Went past the chimpanzee cages. They straight up busted outta here, no lie. And the rest is like a ghost town. Some of the animals that didn’t get out, no one to take care of them… it sucks, man.”

               I looked down, suddenly ashamed. I knew what he was talking about. Things might have settled reasonably quickly in the city, but we were still all too preoccupied with our own survival to even think of the animals that had been left in the zoo. The stench of death and rotting bodies had hung thick about the place when I’d snuck in, a few weeks later, to hide the thick folder of notes.

               “Hey.” Rick snapped his fingers and I jumped a little, pulling my mind out of the past. “Where does he need to go?”

               “Oh. Umm, right.” I moved closer. “Where are you now?”

               “Just moving around the African exhibit now. I think the giraffe house is just up ahead. Something pretty tall anyway. It was the giraffes, right?”

               “Yeah, that’s right,” I said, trying to remember where exactly I’d been. It was so long ago… “Okay, so if you keep going until you get to it, and then go around to the south side.”

               “South…” the soldier, Beaky, muttered. “Man, this would be so much easier if it wasn’t cloudy.”

               “The coast is west,” I supplied.

               “Surely that’s true wherever you are – go west for long enough, you’ll hit an ocean, right?” His words were slightly muffled now, and rhythmic, as if he was jogging.

               “I’m not sure that’s true,” I frowned.

               “Eh. Fine. Right. South. Here we go.”

               “Okay, you should see like, a garage-type door, and then a fence to the left of that, and then another door on the other side of the fence. I think it was blue, or maybe green?”

               “Maybe once. It’s pretty faded now.”

               “Whatever. Jump the fence, the door is probably still busted from the last time I was there.”

               “Wow, you’re quite the rebel, aren’t you?” There was a grunt and a scraping noise. “Alright, one re-busted door. Where now?”

               I closed my eyes, remembering. My heart had been hammering, palms sweaty around the files, turning the paper slimy in my grip. Eyes frantic, scanning the room and the windows, ears straining for any sound of pursuit, sure that someone at the colony must be missing me, must be coming looking, ready to pounce with clawed hands and accusatory eyes. The huge metal containers could have held anything, their doors held tight by a thick padlock, but they leant forwards slightly, away from the wall, leaving just enough of a gap for me to force the files in, deeper and deeper, so that they couldn’t be seen…

               “Found ‘em.”

               My eyes snapped open, wondering just how much I’d said out loud.

               “Man, they’re really wedged in here.” The sound of laboured breathing, muffled curses of effort. “There! Yep, I’ve got them. Wow.” He rifled through, the noise of the papers coming through clearly over the microphone. “Damn, it’s like a whole other language, y’know? Yikes, how do you even pronounce that?!”

               “Get them back here, ASAP,” Rick ordered.

               “You got it, Sheriff, shouldn’t have so many hold-ups on the way back, be with you by tomorrow morning. Beaky out.”

               Standing up straight again, I let out a gusty breath as Rick continued fiddling with the console. That had been too real, too close. Surely, I needed to be heading back to the colony now, to show my face, make excuses for my absence. There was always work to be done, everything having to be relearnt…

               I shook myself. No. Different place, different time. Yet there was still work to do. My mind skipped ahead of me, already in the lab, reviewing the reactions I’d set up, and those I still needed to arrange. Then there was the soldier with the new virus, Natty. I needed to keep a close eye on him, try and work out how much of his mental function remained, whether it was deteriorating at all.

               “Ready to get back to work?”

               Startled, I looked up at Rick, waiting for me by the door. His face was just as closed off as before, though maybe with a slight softening around the eyes. Then again, maybe I was imagining it.

               I nodded. “Let’s go.”

               There was plenty to be done.

Chapter Text

Where there is desire,

there is gonna be a flame.

Where there is a flame,

someone’s gonna get burned.

Try – P!nk

.

.

The wind seeped the warmth from John’s bones as he sped over the white landscape, snow softening the features until it was all one blanket of shining light. The night spent outside hadn’t helped, and the air blasting past him destroyed any hope of regaining significant warmth. Standing upright, he looked around, letting the snowmobile coast to a stop as he squinted against the glare from the sun. Was that a flash of colour off to the side? A bare patch of tree trunk, or a sign of life?

               Cutting the engine of the bike, John hopped off, pushing his goggles up to the top of his head, pulling down the scarf over the rest of his face at the same time, setting free a great gust of air that misted and crystallised in front of him.

               It was all ridiculous really, he thought to himself, as he readied his rifle, advancing slowly through the snow that crunched underfoot with every step. It had been what, two, three days since the woman had escaped. She had no shelter, no supplies, in freezing temperatures. John was out looking for a body, nothing more. One that was probably hidden under several feet of snow as well. It was a hopeless mission.

               But it was the mission his father had given him.

               “If she’s out there, bring her back to me.”

               The words had been cold, harsh, but with an undercurrent too. An excitement, a secret hope. John knew what it was. This woman offered another layer of protection from anything Jac might plan.

               Jac… He surged on through the snow, stumbling over a hidden rock, but it was too late, the thoughts were there. What was she doing now? Was she even still alive? It had taken a lot to get Rick to promise, to give his word that he would protect her.

               How can you be so blind?... no idea who she really is, or what she’s going to do… just because you want to fuck her…

               Angry words spoken on both sides. Unfortunately, most of them had been true. He wondered if Rick’s face had bruised where John had punched him for that last comment. It had been a quick, harsh fight, both of them ending up on the floor, limbs tangled, breaths mingling in the scant inches between their faces. It had worked though, the transition to a more physical language. It always worked with Rick. When they’d both rolled upright, breathing hard, Rick had nodded, and that was that. Or so John hoped. He had no way to be sure, out here in the cold wilderness.

               Reaching the spot he’d been heading for, John reached out, brushing a gloved hand over the tree trunk. The thick matted branches overhead had kept some of the snow off, leaving the brown wood to stand out against the overwhelmingly white vista. John stood for a moment, hand resting on the trunk, staring off into the distance, where the trees and rocks hid the compound from view. This was useless. He wasn’t doing anything for anyone out here. Time to head back.

               He refused to imagine the look on Jac’s face when he told her that he’d failed.

               Whump.

               John spun, rifle raised, scanning back and forth for the source of the noise. A tree branch quivered, shaking back and forth. A clump of snow fell from it, dropping to the ground below with another dull whump. Sighing, John straightened up, relaxing from his tense pose. There was nothing out here.

               He was two steps back towards the snowmobile when it happened.

               A snap of cracking wood overhead, a muffled outcry, and something heavy landed on his shoulders.

               Knees buckled, dropping him to the ground, a blow to the head that rebounded off his goggles. His rifle jerked loose from his hands, dropping to the ground and sinking into the snow. John reached up, grabbing hold of a fistful of fabric and yanked hard, throwing his shoulders forwards. A figure flew through the air, rolling away in the snow in a flash of dark cloth and pink skin. The rifle was back in his hands, trained on the figure before it came to a stop, one small hand pushing it up, a face coming into view.

               Bright blue eyes, a mess of tangled hair, a snarl showing teeth.

               They stared at each other.

               “You,” the woman spat.

               John lowered his rifle a few inches. “Lily?”

               She gave no indication of recognition and said nothing more.

               “Jac sent me.” Why did the words taste so foul to him?

               “Liar!”

               “She told me that she called you Archer.”

               A flicker of something crossed the small face. “So you tortured her, again. Why am I not surprised?”

               “You think she would have given you up?”

               “I think you would have made her!”

               John lowered his rifle fully, climbing back to his feet, shaking the snow off his lower legs. “She’s not hurt. She’s working with us.”

               “Fucking lies!” The words were nearly a scream, though her voice cracked before it could climb any higher.

               “I’m not lying. She made a deal.”

               “Bullshit. Your father would have killed her before she had a chance.” There was an edge in her words now, a chattering of teeth. John looked at her, still lying on the snow. She was shivering.

               “Come on, you’re cold. Let’s get back.”

               “Fuck that. I’m not going anywhere with you.”

               “Would you rather freeze out here?”

               “Yep.”

               John snorted, rolling his eyes. Keeping one hand holding his rifle, he shrugged off his thick outer coat, flinging it across towards Lily. “Put that on, let’s go. Now.”

               She half rolled over, catching the coat between both hands, then promptly flung it right back at him. There was no power behind the throw, the coat barely leaving the ground. It skidded across the snow between them. “Fuck you.”

               John raised his rifle again. “I’m not asking.”

               “Go on then, do it!”

               “Oh, for fuck's sake!” He took a step closer, kicking the coat back towards her again. “I’ll drag you if I have to.”

               Lily gave a harsh laugh, the effect spoiled somewhat by the shivers that were now clearly visible. “Oh, you’ll definitely have to drag me. I’m not going to let you use me against her.”

               John paused, trying to ignore the way the words hit him. He wondered fleetingly if it would have been better just to find her body. It certainly would have meant less arguing.

               “Not even going to deny it,” Lily’s voice was quieter now, her eyes slipping closer.

               “You wouldn’t have believed me anyway.”

               A small laugh.

               “Look, Jac asked me to come and find you.” Well, maybe she hadn’t asked him to, but still… She had told him about Lily. It wasn’t too big of a leap.

               “Bullshit. Your father sent you out here.”

               That was the second reference to his father. She knew who he was. “Jac told me your name.”

               “She would tell you anything.”

               Those words were so quiet John wasn’t sure that he was meant to have heard them, but they made him freeze. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

               Lily just shook her head, eyes closed again.

               “I’m not going to leave you out here. So you can either get up and walk, or I can drag you. Choose one.”

               “Or you just get bored of this and kill me now.”

               “No.”

               They stared at each other.

               Lily grimaced. “Well, it’s going to have to be option 2 then.”

               Swearing under his breath, John slung his rifle over his shoulder, grabbing the coat as he moved forwards. It was only when he was standing right above her that he stopped, eyes drawn to a red patch on the snow where she’d rolled over. Blood. He looked her over more carefully. Red on her leg, red trailing across the stomach of her sweater through the open zip of her jacket.

               “You can’t walk?”

               With gritted teeth, she shook her head.

               “Then how the fuck did you get up in that tree?”

               She laughed now, a breathy sound. “A lot of determination. Plus, I heard you coming from fucking miles away.”

               “Right.” He stood, hovering over her. There was no way she could walk, it was obvious now. The injuries, plus the cold… He looked up, judging the distance back to the snowmobile. It wasn’t too far, and she was very small, tiny in fact, curled in the snow. He dropped down to her level, crouching in the snow. Her eyes flicked over his rifle.

               “Don’t,” he said. “You don’t want me to drop you. Come on.” He pulled her up into a sitting position, noting the wince as she shifted, then wrapped his coat around her. She bared her teeth again, though whether it was from the pressure on her wound or the warmth, he wasn’t sure. In one sharp movement, he gathered her close and lifted. She really was very small.

               She gasped at the movement, then settled, eyes closed. Her gloved hands clutched at the edges of the coat, pulling it closer around her. John kept his eyes up, feeling blindly for his footing as he made his way back to the snowmobile. Thankfully, he made it without slipping, and set Lily down sideways on the seat. She swayed slightly, but remained upright.

               “How bad are you hurt? Can you make it back?”

               “Made it this long,” she murmured.

               “Well, you wouldn’t have made it much longer.”

               A slight smile toucher her face. “Ooo, he’s smart too. What chance did I have?”

               John stared at her. “What?”

               She just shook her head again, still with that slight smile, blinking as she looked away. It was the soft smile that did it, the same one his mother used to wear. Somehow it clicked into place.

               I’m not going to let you use me against her.

               “You love her.”

               “And she loves you.”

               John recoiled. “What? No, she… I… we… it’s just…”

               Lily’s eyes turned back to him, pinning him.

               “No, she doesn’t.”

               She snorted. “Yeah, she’d say the same thing.” She huddled over a little more in his thick coat. “She’s stubborn like that.”

               John couldn’t breathe. It wasn’t true, surely. They had something, sure, he couldn’t deny that, but it was just a spark, nothing more. They threw words back and forth, working out some of the tension, but it didn’t mean anything. It didn’t mean… that.

               “We…” he cleared his throat. “We have to get back.”

               Lily made a small noise in her throat, eyes closing again.

               Bring her back to me.

               There had been no ambiguity in his father’s words. But now John saw it happening, the Colonel holding Lily, the threats he would make, the triumph in his tone. And Jac would turn towards him, towards John, accusation and betrayal etched in hard lines on her face…

               The shard of ice that had been living in his chest cracked and it hurt. He couldn’t do it. He couldn’t. He didn’t want to.

               He stood, frozen inside and out, and had no idea what to do.

Chapter Text

When the moon is looking down,
shining light upon the ground,
I’m flying up to let you see,
that the shadow cast is me.
Birds – Imagine Dragons.

.

.

Spoon moved from bowl to mouth. Slurp. Return to the bowl for more. Repeat.

               Several feet away from the action, I leant against the wall, arms crossed, fingers tapping against my elbow.

               The spoon made its circuit again, bringing more of the soup to Natty’s mouth. My offerings had been ignored, pushed away, even thrown aside. All amidst a complete lack of communication. He hadn’t uttered a single word, nodded or shaken his head, hadn’t even responded to my attempts to get him to make signs for yes or no. He’d watched, eyes flickering like a caged animal, flinching back from contact. And he’d refused to eat. Until now—now that one of his fellow soldiers had brought the food.

               “He’s eating.” Denny voiced my thoughts as he came up beside me, rifle held casually in front of him.

               The soldier further down the hall, who had been bullied into bringing the food, looked back at us, scowling. He was already edging back from his former companion.

               “That’s a good thing, right?” Denny prodded.

               I grunted. Was it? Pushing off the wall, I turned away, stalking back towards the lab. Denny followed, shadowing me like a ghost.

               “Or isn’t it?”

               I grunted again, then sighed, uncrossing my arms at last. “Yeah, it is.”

               “But….”

               Another sigh. “It shows he’s still got enough coordination to eat, physically, and knows that he should. But the point is that he’s only eating now. Now that someone he knew brought it to him. He wouldn’t take food from me.”

               “So what? Maybe he doesn’t like you.”

               “Exactly.” It was an effort not to round on him and snap the word out. It came out sharper than I’d intended anyway, cracking in the air. “So that would mean that he’s still aware of that fact, and will act on it too. But the problem is that if that’s true, how do I know that he really can’t communicate, or that he just won’t communicate with me? And for all I know, he might be attempting to communicate with others when I’m not there, but God knows they wouldn’t tell me about it if he was! I need—”

               I stopped myself before I could go any further. I needed John. But he was nowhere to be found. For the second day. My nerves were fraying. Where was he, what was he doing, what was he thinking? Rick still refused to answer my questions.

               “Sorry,” I said into the silence, as we approached the lab. “It’s not your fault.”

               “I could go chum up to him, if you like? Even if he doesn’t try anything with me, maybe I’ll get infected and then you’ll have an answer.”

               “That’s not funny. A couple of days ago, he would have been dead as soon as they realised he was infected. Might still happen.”

               “So what’s next?”

               I paused in the door to the lab, casting an eye over the interior, which looked unchanged from how I left it. The stack of files that Beaky had delivered early that morning spread over one of the benches where I’d started digging through them, the gentle whirring of stirrer bars from the fume cabinets painted across the scene, along with hissing as chemicals dripped slowly from burettes into beakers and reacted with the contents. My eyes were drawn to the one where glycerol was falling onto a mixture of nitric and sulfuric acid, held in a bucket of snow from outside to keep the temperature down.

               I blinked, shaking my head and considering Denny’s question. “I’ve got Natty’s samples, they’re analysing, so probably try to dig through some more of my notes until they’ve finished running.”

               Despite my words, I went first to the fume cabinets, slipping on some goggles and gloves before poking at the snow bucket, making sure it was still in contact with the flask inside, moving up the line, prodding at the other experiments I had on the go, swirling here, adjusting the flow on a burette there. Most of them were fairly innocuous, only there to cover up the serious ones. One was just water dripping into more water. I swirled that one was I went past it. I was attempting to make TNT at the other end of the lab, as well as the nitro-glycerine, but I wasn’t sure that I had the set-up right.

               I had just finished the rounds, pulling off my gloves inside out and tossing them aside when I heard approaching footsteps, heavy and hurried. Denny looked up too, from his usual perch beside the door, alert at once. Moving up the lab, I listened, trying to hear past the thumping of blood in my ears. More than one set of feet, and… was that Rick’s voice? His words were terse, harsh, questioning, but if there was a response, I couldn’t hear it. Closer and closer, until it sounded like every pair of boots in the compound was tramping down the corridor, ready to crush me. Then the shadow filled the doorway, and my breath caught in my throat.

               John.

               John was back. His face half-obscured by a scarf, goggles pushed up onto his forehead over wild eyes that scanned the room and snapped to me. And in his arms…

               A small figure. Limp, lifeless. A mass of tangled blonde hair.

               My breath escaped me in a squeaking cry. Knees buckled. Hand thrown out to the bench.

               Movement. A pale face turning, eyes blinking.

               “Jac!” A flurry of limbs, all of us taken by surprise. Lily twisted out of John’s arms, staggering on landing, flinging herself towards me.

               My knees, bent to fall, now launched me forwards, and we collided messily, both gasping for breaths as I drowned her in a hug. We were both shaking, both rocking. Coat, hair, skin, all cold under my clutching hands.

               I pulled back, taking in her pale face again, the shudders that wracked her. “Are you okay? Are you hurt?” I demanded.

               Lily shook her head, burying her face into my nest, hands clutching at my back.

               “She’s got a bullet wound to her leg, a few days old, scabbed over. And a new one on her side. Might have caught a rib, doesn’t seem to have gone too deep otherwise. Dressed that out while we were out there.”

               I looked up, over Lily’s messy hair, at John’s clinical assessment.

               “She’s really cold too, might be hypothermia, need to keep an eye on that.”

               He looked right back at me, holding my gaze without emotion. My eyes welled up with tears that I could not shed. This was where he had been then, for the last two days. This was what he’s been doing. My arms tighten around Lily. This was what he’d been saving.

               “Thank you.”

               The words were silent, no sound leaving my mouth, but he read them on my lips anyway. He nodded, his eyes still locked on mine.

               I looked away first, my eyes closing as I leant down to rest my cheek on Lily’s head.

               For several seconds, we just stood there, revelling silently in the other’s presence. My arms were holding Lily up, but when I tried to move to let her sit down, she growled in protest. The noise brought a smile to my face. Her shivers slowed and subsided.

               More footsteps were approaching.

               I blinked my eyes clear, looking up. I registered Rick for the first time, just outside the door, looking down the corridor at the newcomer. John had moved further into the room, leaning on the wall to the side of the door, eyes on his feet.

               The Colonel stepped into view, stopping dead at the sight of Lily, held safely in my arms.

               Instinctively, I turned, ignoring her protests now as I shoved her behind me.

               The Colonel looked away, eyes searching, finding his son. There was a long pause, the silence stretching until it seemed like it must snap from the tension.

               John’s jaw was set, his chin sticking out slightly as his father entered, but he didn’t look up. They looked so similar in that moment, anger written across both faces, only feet away from each other, but somehow miles apart.

               Lily’s muffled protests at her sudden movement cut off, and in my peripheral vision, I saw her staring past my outstretched arm at the Colonel.

               “Jac. That him?”

               The vehemence in the short words shocked me, even as the Colonel looked away from John at last.

               I made a low noise of warning in my throat as I nodded.

               She didn’t hesitate.

               In less than a second, she had ducked under my protective arm, lunging towards the Colonel.

               Everyone moved.

               John stood up straight at last, hands jerking reflexively. His father half turned, held his ground. Denny, rifle raised slightly, unsure of where to point it. Rick, out in the corridor, mouth opening to speak.

               Any words he might have said were drowned out by Lily’s sudden shouts.

               “You RAT BASTARD! MURDERING PIECE OF SHIT! SON OF A—”

               I leapt after her before she’d gone two steps, grabbed her waist and hauling her bodily backwards. My grip slipped on her coat as she writhed, slipping free. I snatched again, caught an arm this time, heaved her backwards, holding her to my chest as I spun us both away.

               “—BITCH, YOU’LL BURN IN HELL FOR WHAT YOU’VE DONE!”

               Lily’s screams stung my ears, both in volume and content. I took a moment to be proud of her before slamming us both into the bench. Two of the files slid off the top, falling to the ground with a soft slap. Lily paused to draw breath and I spun her around to face me, pinning her against the bench, our eyes inches apart.

               I didn’t say a word, just stared at her, my panting breaths matching hers. She tried to look away, back to the Colonel, but I caught her chin, kept her eyes on mine. A snarl flashed across her face, her eyes darting across my expression.

               Jaw set, brows lowered, eyes hard. It was a face I’d perfected, brought out whenever the younger apes, or even some of the older ones, had gone too far. It conveyed one word. Stop.

               The snarl faded from her face, her shoulders dropping slightly, breaths deepening.

               I didn’t relax my grip on her as I looked sideways, meeting the Colonel’s calculated gaze.

               He echoed my silence back at me, jaw jutting forwards. The anger was written across his eyes. He turned away at last, pausing to look once more at John. The younger man’s eyes flicked sideways, but he didn’t return the look. The Colonel waited for another second, then left without ceremony.

               For several moments, we remained frozen, then Rick stepped forwards to fill the space he’d left, and Lily shoved me away. I let her, stepping back as she pushed.

               “What was that for?” she hissed. “Why did you stop me?”

               I gave her a flat look.

               “He killed Cornelia! Killed Blue Eyes!” Her voice had risen to a shout.

               “And what do you think he would have done to you?!” My tone matched hers.

               “I don’t care. I could have got him!”

               “I care,” I signed, watching her eyes drop to follow my hands. “Thought I lost you. Can’t have it again. Or worse.”

               She subsided into silence, turning to lean back on the bench. “Lots hate. Too much.”

               “I know,” I said, switching back to speech as I moved cautiously over to lean next to her, wondering if she would push me away again. “But you’re more than that. Better than that. You have to let it go. For now.”

               Like Koba never could. I thought. Like Caesar can’t now. I shook off the second comparison, my eyes dropping to the floor with the shame of it.

               A mismatched stare met mine. A scarred face. A milky white eye.

               I flinched, my whole body jerking like I’d been hit with an electric shock. It was as if my thinking his name had summoned his image up, but it was no hallucination, and it did not fade away. Out of the corners of my eyes, I saw the others all turn towards me, Lily, Denny, John all looking over at my sharp movement. I didn’t raise my gaze from the floor, breath caught in my throat as I stared at the photo that had slipped free of the file that had fallen off the bench earlier.

               “What?” Lily asked, but I barely heard her, watching my hand as if it belonged to someone else, reaching down to pick up the file, pulling the photo out, staring down at the ruined face.

               “Woah.” Lily, looking over my shoulder, made a noise somewhere between horror and pity. “Is that…”

               “Koba.”

               “Hey, I remember him.”

               I flinched again. I hadn’t noticed Denny coming up on the other side of the bench, peering over my shoulder.

               “He was that real angry fucker, came down to the city, right?”

               I smiled bitterly, despite myself. “Yeah, that about sums him up.”

Chapter Text

Take my mind and take my pain,
Like an empty bottle takes the rain.
Heal – Tom Odell

.

.

The whole story came out over the next half hour, told as succinctly as I could make it, leaving out nothing except Cornelius’s existence. Koba’s eyes followed me from where the picture of him was propped up on the bench. I flicked through the rest of the files to avoid having to look at any of the men. Lily was sat on top of the bench beside me, still wrapped in the thick coat, sitting on her gloved hands.

               “… and then you guys turned up,” I finished, risking a glance up.

               Denny, who had known some little pieces of the story already, though not all of it, was leaning against the wall, shaking his head. “So that’s how you lost your finger.”

               I rubbed the wound in question, feeling the familiar crease where Ellie had stitched up the wound. I wasn’t all that surprised that he’d focused on that part of the story. “Yep.”

               “Jesus Christ. You’re fucking insane, you know that?”

               I flashed him a grin in response.

               Rick was still standing in the doorway, face guarded. He wasn’t looking at me, staring at John’s back. John himself hadn’t moved throughout my tale, rooted in the same spot where his father had left him, staring at the floor with too much focus to be daydreaming. My grin slid off my face as I took in the darkness of his expression.

               A rumble broke the silence and I looked the other way.

               Lily glared down at her own stomach. “Shh!” she said to it.

               “When did you last eat?” I demanded.

               She just shrugged.

               “We’ll get you some food,” John said, his voice empty.

               “She’s not going into the mess hall,” I said at once.

               John looked back over his shoulder. Rick imitated him, turning in Denny’s direction, who rolled his eyes.

               “Oh great, so I’m just the delivery service, huh?”

               Rick stepped away from the door, clearing the path. Denny continued to grumble under his breath, but left without resistance. Rick glanced at Lily and me, eyes sharp, then stepped in close to John.

               “You want to tell me what just happened?” he said, the words made audible by the hiss he put on them.

               John blinked, looking up at him. He raised a hand towards Rick’s face, to the bruise I’d noticed there yesterday. Rick dodged it, waving a hand between them like he was trying to shoo away a fly. For a moment, they just looked at each other, then Rick snorted, punching John in the arm. John’s face cracked into what was almost a smile as he retaliated with a shove. Arms locked, they grappled back and forth, but I could see that there was no force behind the movements, their feet remaining still, bodies not even swaying.

               “Seriously, man,” Rick said, as they released each other. “What was that all about?”

               John’s face fell back into a grimace. He glanced over at me and Lily, neither of us bothering to pretend that we weren’t listening. His eyes seemed to linger for a moment before turning away from me. “He told me to bring her back to him.”

               There was a momentary pause.

               “Oh shit.” Rick pulled a face, echoing John’s glance over at us. “I mean… fuck, John.”

               John just nodded. I couldn’t take my eyes off him.

               His father had told him to find Lily and bring her back to him. And instead, he’d brought her to me. In fact, the pieces clicked slowly in to place, he’d run here with her, arriving before his father could even get word of his success at finding her.

               “What now?” Rick asked into the silence.

               I blinked, running a hand over my eyes, pretending it was not to wipe away the moisture there.

               John moved at last, walking over to the end of the bench and bracing his hands on it, leaning forwards. His eyes darted back and forth, fingers tapping on the bench as he thought.

               “I need you to get on the radio, find out how far out Prescott is,” John said. “If he gets a move on, we might be able to avoid anything else happening. I’ll get word to Garcia, make sure he’s ready, just in case. Otherwise, don’t say anything to anyone.”

               “That’s it? You’re going to give him the next move?”

               John’s head came up, staring straight in front of him. “I’m not going to be the one to start this.”

               “I think you just did.”

               He turned to look back at Rick, who held his hands up as he backed out of the room. As he left, John’s head dropped back down, a breath hissing between his teeth.

               “What about Lily?” I asked, as the sound of Rick’s footsteps faded away.

               He looked up at the pair of us. “I don’t know.”

               “Get her to the apes, they’ll protect her.”

               “Hey!”

               We both ignored Lily’s protest, John shaking his head. “No good. He’ll go right through them to get her.”

               “Fuck that, I’m not leaving you,” Lily said.

               I took her hand, squeezing it tight.

               “For now, I think that’s probably the best idea,” John agreed.

               Looking around the lab, I grimaced. Not the best place to recover from her injuries, not to mention the explosives I had brewing, and the new virus going around… That reminded me, and I looked back at John.

               “Another one of your guys has the new virus. I’ve got him in quarantine.”

               John’s face twisted. “Who is it?”

               “Can’t remember what his actual name was. He goes by ‘Natty’?”

               His eyes closed, the pain clear in his expression.

               “You know him?”

               “It’s a small group, Jac. I know everyone.” He sounded tired all of a sudden.

               “Alright, alright, meals on wheels. Or feet, anyway. Who’s hungry?” Denny strode back in through the door, a stack of plastic containers balanced on one hand. He hesitated for a second, taking in the atmosphere and our expressions, then plastered a big grin on his face and carried on. Hand out in front of him, he wobbled it theatrically, as if about to drop the food, making his way over to Lily and holding the stack out towards her.

               “Ma’am.”

               Lily laughed a little, taking the top one. Denny withdrew, holding up a finger of his other hand, then produced a fork from behind the stack as if it were a magic trick, holding it out to her with a flourish.

               I felt a rush of affection for him. This was the Denny I remembered, always ready to ignore the tension in favour of making people laugh.

               “You guys hungry?” he turned towards me and John, holding out the containers.

               I glanced behind me, checking John’s expression. He shook his head, eyes returning to me.

               “Where’s Nathan now?”

               Nathan, right, that was Natty’s proper name. I remembered it now.

               “I’ll show you,” I said. “Are you going to be alright here?” I checked with Lily and Denny.

               “Sure. I’ll save you some grub,” Denny said, opening another container for himself.

.

.

Unlike the other soldiers, it seemed John had no reservations about being in close proximity to Natty, going straight up to the window of the small room he was confined in, both hands clenched on the ledge. I heard him sigh, and curse under his breath, though after Lily’s outpouring at the Colonel, it sounded pretty tame.

               “This is all my fault.”

               I raised an eyebrow. That was my line. “What do you mean?”

               He didn’t speak for a moment, staring through the window. On the other side, Nathan was sitting on the low cot, returning the gaze, his mouth moving, the same harsh gurgling noise issuing from it.

               “It was my unit that first got infected. We found it. We brought it back.”

               I stared at his back. This was new information to me. “When was this?”

               “About… I don’t know. Ten months ago? I think? We were out east, gathering supplies. On the way back, we came across a group of people. We stopped to find out what they were doing. None of them spoke—God, it seems so obvious now—but they weren’t friendly. No guns, but branches like spears, all threatening. We thought they just didn’t want visitors and left them.”

               John turned around, crossing his arms as he leant against the wall, staring down the corridor. Inside the cell, Natty craned his head to try and see where he had gone.

               “We were halfway back when one of my men…” John trailed off, waving a hand back towards Natty. I nodded. “We didn’t know what it was, or why it was happening, or what it meant. We tried to take care of him. But then the same thing happened to others. By the time we got back, four of them had it. We were trying to keep them separate, but it didn’t seem to matter. It just kept spreading. We couldn’t contain it, couldn’t treat it. The Colonel made a decision.”

               His jaw was tight, eyes dead. “I put my four down myself.”

               I swallowed.

               “I took them out there,” he continued. “I exposed them to it. It was my responsibility.” He blinked, took a breath. “For a few days, it seemed like it had worked. Then another of the guys who’d come with me got it too. He was shot in the barracks, as soon as someone realised. And it just kept happening. Every time we thought we were okay, another one would go down.”

               That was what Rick had meant, when news had reached us of Natty’s infection. He’d assumed Natty was already dead, because Rick had seen it happen before, had lived through the fear that had caused it.

               “How many of your unit got it?”

               John looked at me. “All of them. Every single one. Except me.”

               We stared at each other for several seconds. “Rick…”

               “Didn’t come with me.”

               Another silence.

               “It’s not your fault.”

               He looked back over his shoulder at Natty. “Isn’t it?”

               “It’s more mine than yours.”

               John opened his mouth, then seemed to think better of it, closing it again, looking back at the floor.

               I changed the subject. “What’s going to happen now, with the Colonel?”

               John let out a gusty breath, the sound drawn out, hanging between us for several seconds as he shook his head, face twisted. “Honestly, I have no idea. Hopefully, Major General Prescott will turn up, or his men at least. They’ll take charge, and it’ll be forgotten.”

               “Hopefully?” I asked.

               “What’s the alternative? I disobeyed a direct order. That’s insubordination, at a minimum. Or am I supposed to start a mutiny against him? I don’t think I have the numbers for that.”

               I looked at him. Don’t think I have the numbers, he’d said. Not don’t know if I could get them. Did that mean he’d been thinking about this? Or was it just idle phrasing?

               “About that…” I said, holding his gaze when he looked up at me. “I owe you, for not giving Lily up to him.”

               John snorted. “I did give her up; I told him about her.”

               I waved that fact away. “I don’t care.” It was almost true. “You brought her to me. I mean it; I owe you.”

               We looked at each other, a hundred ways for him to collect the debt flashing through my mind.

               He shook his head. “You don’t owe me anything. You’ve saved my life twice. And you’re helping us now.” He glanced back over his shoulder at Natty. “Help him, and we’re square.”

               I followed his gaze, grimacing while his back was turned. It was one of the possibilities that I’d guessed he might claim against. I thought of the samples Anita had collected, the analysis I’d already begun on them. And I thought of the explosives I was cooking up, the apes held captive outside. Munchkin, Caesar, Lake, Jasmine.

               John glanced back at me and I manufactured a fake smile for him, nodding.

               This would just have to become another debt left unpaid.

Chapter Text

You hate me when I break up,

You save me when I fuck up,

You love me when I'm back again

Merry Go Round – Smash Into Pieces

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.

The quiet twisted through the lab, permeating the interconnecting rooms, seeping over the occupants there. Occasional snores, the gentle shifting of sleeping bodies, a delicate whirr from the computers, the low hum of extraction… It all merged into the background as I worked, flitting between the high power microscope, and my nitro-glycerine synthesis. The clear liquid sat innocently atop the reaction mixture, but it was still an effort to keep my hands from shaking as I pipetted it up and transferred it carefully – ever so carefully – into a plastic bottle, making sure that I didn’t let the droplets fall from too high up.

               I had collected about a litre of it so far, from half the glycerine in the single bottle that I’d found. Undoubtedly it was still dirty, but I didn’t care about purity. I just needed it to detonate. I couldn’t see any way to test it without raising suspicion, not that there wasn’t enough suspicion around me already.

               Lily had managed to grab me when I’d returned from the visit to Natty, pulling me away from where John and Rick had their heads bent together in conference and Denny was scrapping out the remainder of his food. She’d pulled me into the adjoining lab, the dark room swallowing us. An ultrasonic had provided enough noise cover, combined with lowered voices for us to have a few private moments.

               “Are you going to tell me what’s go on now?” Lily had hissed.

               One eye trained on the three men in the other room, I’d told her of the deal I’d struck with the Colonel and John.

               Lily had scoffed and shaken her head. “What are you really doing?”

               A deep breath to find the words. Lowering my tone even further so that she’d had to bend closer to hear my words, I’d come clean about the explosives I was brewing.

               “And what are you going to do with them?”

               “I don’t know! I haven’t gotten that far yet. Get the apes out of here, somehow. Preferably before Prescott arrives and outnumbers us even more.”

               “Are you sure you can go through with that?”

               “What?” I’d searched her face, confused, trying to find the origin of her doubt.

               She’d glanced back through the open door. “I might have… when we were out there… I…”

               I waited as she fumbled through the words, avoiding my gaze.

               “I might have told John that you love him.”

               “You did what?” Any attempt to keep my voice low was forgotten, the final word cracking like a whip around us, striking us both. She’d flinched.

               “I didn’t mean to! I wasn’t thinking straight, okay!”

               I’d forgiven her, said that it was okay, that it didn’t matter. She hadn’t seemed convinced by the words, seeing through their frailty to the anger underneath. Because it wasn’t true.

               I loved Lily, I loved Caesar, I’d loved Blue Eyes, all in their own way.

               I did not love John McCullough.

               Yes, he was fine as hell. Yes, I’d sometimes felt I was losing myself in his eyes, so sharp and deep. And maybe I’d had flashes of wondering what it might be like to feel him in every single part of me, what he would sound like as he came undone. But I blamed that on hormones. It had been a long time with just me and the occasional snatched moments of privacy from the apes, two fingers and some imagination.

               None of that meant that I loved him. And I didn’t.

               No? A snide voice spoke up inside me. Then why can’t you stop looking at him?

               I ripped my gaze away, turned resolutely back to my nitroglycerine synthesis, instead of staring absently at the sliver of John’s face that I could see through the door into the room with the high power scope, where he was sleeping.

               It had been hard to find room for them all to stretch out in the end. For all John’s talk of not starting a mutiny, of not having the numbers to do so, there were a lot of soldiers in the labs now. John, Rick, Denny, Miguel and all those who had come with him, three other soldiers whose names I didn’t know, they were all packed into whatever space they could find. Like they were closing ranks, drawing tighter together.

               Turning away from the fume hood, I leant back against the counter, eyes wandering over the mess of limbs. These were the men who were willing to turn from the Colonel, to stand with John against him, even though John had chosen me. But he hadn’t chosen the apes.

               The dynamic of the situation had shifted, from the soldiers against the apes, to the Colonel against John against the apes. But if John imagined I was on his side out of the trio, he was mistaken. My position was just as it had always been, alongside Caesar. And no matter his shifting loyalties, John and the group who’d chosen to side with him were not in the same position.

               Are you sure you can go through with it? Lily had asked me.

               It was true that my initial eagerness had waned. I no longer wanted to do it. Love or not, I didn’t want to hurt John. But could I do it, for the apes? Yes, I could.

               Bang.

               My head snapped around, staring at the open doorway, listening to the echoes fade. Say one thing for the soldiers, that single gunshot roused them all instantly. Upright, weapons raised and ready, as if they’d never really been asleep at all. Their movement woke Lily, who groaned, rubbing her eyes as she sat up, the complete opposite to the soldiers’ alertness.

               “Stay here,” I said to her, before she was awake enough to register the words, and then I was out the door, charging along the corridor, my legs and heart both pounding out a single name. Because if it had been more gunshots, a whole volley, hitting hard and fast after one another, I wouldn’t have been as scared as I was in that moment.

               If it was only one shot, only one bullet, surely there was only one target it would have been aimed at.

               It was raining outside, deceiving drops that seemed light and innocent but fell with unerring accuracy, one after another. My hair was heavy with moisture before I made it halfway across the open space towards the commotion, dripping onto my face.

               I slowed as I approached the cluster of people, their features blurred by the weather. The Colonel still had his gun out, though it was hanging loosely at his side. Preacher was alongside him, crossbow raised and ready, pointing at two apes, one dragging the other towards the cage where the other apes were watching. I shook the water from my face, blinking out the confusion.

               “Rocket?”

               Ash’s father looked at me, blood on his face, then Red pushed him on, through the open gate, to where the other apes were waiting silently.

               I looked the other way, to where Caesar sat in his solitary space. He was upright, holding tight to the bars, but his eyes were bright, sharp, focused. There was purpose in them, a determination that had been missing before. What had happened whilst I’d been working inside?

               “Others here? Maurice? Luca?” I wasn’t even sure which of them I was signing at.

               The Colonel turned before I was done, his eyes immediately catching on my hands. He stalked over, pausing right beside me, leaning close.

               I held my ground. I was still taller than him.

               “Do that again, and I’ll break both your hands. Get back to work.” The words are low, harsh, and full of honesty.

               Without giving me a chance to respond, he moved on, knocking my shoulder as he did so. I scowled after him, raising my middle finger in a sign that even he would have been able to understand.

Chapter Text

Are they already gone?

Can we call them back again?

Are they already gone?

Will I find them in the end?

Already Gone – Disturbed

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.

The next morning, two more soldiers had symptoms of the new disease, and I had a single, terrifying, horrifying theory about how it could be stopped. It was John that had provided the final clue. And his blood sample. There, in his white blood cells, I’d isolated an antibody that I was reasonably sure was the one which had allowed him, out of all the others in his unit, to not be affected by the new virus. But that wasn’t all.

               I’d found the same antibody in a sample from another person. Just one other person. Mine.

               The corridor blurred before my eyes, and I saw again Rick staggering into the soldier’s medical tent, supporting John’s limp body. The details of the discussion that had followed had blurred, but the result was the same; John needed blood, and there hadn’t been anyone else around to give it. So I had volunteered. I’d given him my blood.

               Only a few hours later I’d been beaten and interrogated about the apes’ location, about my connection to them.

               Daylight ahead made me wince, bringing me back to the present with its brightness. I swallowed. I couldn’t afford to forget myself now.

               The right-hand pocket of my pants was bulging, and I kept my hand over it, supporting the sloshing weight, barely concealed by the hem of my thick coat.

               Outside, the scene was far removed from that of the previous night. The rain had stopped, leaving a sludgy mess on the ground that squelched under my feet, the noise echoed behind me by my guards. It was hard to think of them as anything else, especially with the looks the other soldiers gave us, the way they flexed their arms, as if itching to raise their weapons and shoot us down. But the feud between John and his father remained at an impasse, and it wouldn’t be long before they were both superseded by a higher authority. Major General Prescott and his men were not far away. Which was half of the reason why I was outside now.

               The older apes were not in their cage, but roving back and forth under the watchful gaze of the Colonel’s soldiers, still working to build his wall. I wondered what he wanted it for, but didn’t let my steps falter as I headed left instead, towards the pen that held the younger apes.

               Cornelius was close to the fence, letting out a soft hoot as he saw me approaching. The others looked around at the noise, taking up the call. I couldn’t help smiling, though it was a pained expression.

               There were no soldiers on the gate now, too busy focused on the adults, but I could feel eyes on me anyway as I paused, Rick moving past me to open the gate, though not without a suspicious glance over his shoulder. My expression gave him nothing. John wasn’t around to declare whether or not he was okay with this, a fact I had used liberally to make this happen. It wasn’t like I had any other choice. Time was running out.

               The gate slid open with a squeaking, grating, rust-filled noise and I moved inside, leaving Rick and the others behind. The youngsters were wary, eyes flicking from me to the soldiers. I offered them a weary smile.

               “Gently,” I signed, then tapped my left shoulder.

               Cornelius launched himself upwards, grabbing my arm and neck, huddling into the spot I’d indicated. I laughed a little, one arm curling around to hold him, the other still steadying the precious, dangerous load in my pocket. He was really too big for this now, and I had to step carefully as I carried him further into the enclosure, pressing a kiss to his head before sitting down next to a cluster of rocks.

               “Alright, Munchkin, alright,” I hushed him, holding out my other hand to some of the other apes, who pressed closer, vocalising their distress. Amongst the cover of their pressing bodies, I pulled the plastic bottle very carefully out of my pocket, slipping it into the cluster of rocks, wedging it into place. Then I pulled Cornelius away from me, looking at him with a very serious expression.

               “I need you to do something for me.”

               “Help?” he signed back.

               I nodded. “I need you to pass on a message to your father, can you do that?”

               Cornelius nodded again, wriggling a little, as if torn between eagerness to help and waiting to appear ready and collected. I had to fight back another smile.

               “Okay then.” I let him sit back on my knees so that I had both my hands free. “Tell him that more soldiers come tomorrow.” I signed the words as I said them. Cornelius understood speech very well, probably better than I could understand sign, but with something this important, I didn’t want there to be any miscommunication. It wouldn’t hurt to use both.

               “He needs to get out now. All of you.”

               “Escape!” Cornelius signed back excitedly. “Father, Rocket, talk yesterday night.”

               “Good. Tell them to hurry it up. Look here.” I pointed out the bottle I’d stashed in the rocks. “Listen very carefully. This is very, very dangerous. You must not touch it, okay? None of you, understand?”

               Cornelius nodded.

               “Promise me.”

               He made the sign and I nodded back.

               “Okay. Tell Caesar that this is explosive. Will break things. Break cages. Make fire.” I didn’t know the sign for explosives, but I mimed an explosion as covertly as I could, complete with sound effect. Cornelius’s eyes went wide. “Can throw it, or shot it with a gun. Must be far away. Okay?”

               Another nod.

               “It’s very loud. Will bring soldiers. But if he needs it, he should use it.” I looked down at his innocent, eager face and felt my heart squeeze. “Got all that.”

               He hooted enthusiastically, and ran back through the message, his hands darting.

               “Get out here,” he signed afterwards. “Bad place.”

               I hummed, and nodded.

               “Jac come with?”

               I looked away from him, out at the other apes. In the distance, I recognised Caesar’s back as he worked alone, high on the side of the mountain where the soldiers had the apes quarrying out huge chunks of stone. He glanced around often, and I thought I saw him making signs, but I was too far away to see what they were. I’d given him everything I could to help him get his family out. It was one of the reasons I’d wanted Lily out here with the apes. Because while I had hope for them, but I couldn’t see how I was going to get out of this mess.

               “Jac.”

               I started, looking down. Cornelius looked back at me, blinking. I gave half a laugh, tears filling my eyes. I’d never heard him speak before. And my name was the first word he said to me.

               “Come with.”

               I nodded. How could I tell him anything else? “Yes,” I said. “I’ll meet you guys outside, later.”

               He nodded, apparently satisfied.

               One of the other youngsters, bored with our tight, focused conversation has wandered off to the side, peering down at the bottle of nitroglycerine. They reached out towards it.

               Cornelius snarled, waving them off before I could, and I was gratified to see the other ape obey instantly, head down as they scuttled aside.

               “Danger,” Cornelius signed imperiously.

               I laughed at his commanding expression and he joined in, breathy pants of air. One of the other apes gave a call, and I looked up. It wasn’t a full-on alarm call, the carrying screech that spoke of immediate danger, but a series of soft hoots, cut off before they could build to a louder outcry.

               The source of the ape’s distress was clear. Another soldier had joined those at the gate. John.

               I hooted back, slower, calm, soothing. The younger apes still scattered back, alert and watchful, though they remained silent.

               Outside the enclosure, John was talking quickly to Rick, both exchanging gestures. Rick made a grab for John’s arm, but John shrugged him off, moving away and stepping into the enclosure instead, pushing the gate mostly closed again behind him.

               I frowned as he approached, tensing, ready to push Cornelius behind me. I couldn’t stop my eyes flicking to the spot where the nitroglycerine was hidden. A few more steps and John would be able to see the bottle.

               Just as I was about to get to my feet, ready to meet John to stop his progression any closer, he stopped and sat down.

               I blinked, stunned. He wasn’t looking at me, but at the young apes. Both his hands were visible in his lap, far away from the handgun at his side. His rifle was nowhere to be seen.

               “Alright?” There was a thread of caution in his voice, not quite fear, but a tension that I wasn’t used to seeing there.

               “Uh-huh.” It was the only response I could come up with.

               “Sure?”

               “Hmmm.” I cleared my throat, trying to find a more eloquent answer. “Just needed to get out of the lab. Couldn’t think.”

               John grinned, the expression not directed at me, but at Cornelius in my lap, his mouth stretched wide, teeth on show.

               I looked down, seeing the same expression on the young ape’s face, though his eyes showed the true emotion he was trying to convey.

               “That’s not a smile to them,” I told John. “It’s a fear expression.”

               “Oh.” John stopped at once, face dropping.

               I smiled a little at his discomfort, then looked back at Cornelius. The fear-grin was still wide on his face, his body tense with the presence of the soldier so close. His dark eyes flicked to me.

               “Bad man?” he signed.

               I hesitated, unsure of how to answer. Apparently my silence was enough for Cornelius to make up his own mind. He picked himself up, his legs braced on my knees, standing upright and swinging his arms back and forth, beginning his own pant-hoot, but clearly with no intention of easing off of it as the other ape had earlier.

               It was an effort not to laugh at his display, or John’s face, which had gone a little pale, his eyes widening. Unfortunately, it wasn’t very comfortable to have Cornelius standing on my knees, and I didn’t want the other apes getting riled up, or indeed the adults becoming distressed.

               I wobbled my knees to get his attention then hooted back at him, soft and deep. His vocalisation trailed off as he lowered himself back down, huffing and turning his face away from us both.

               “Easy,” I murmured, still in the same low tone, reaching forwards to groom my fingers down his side.

               “What was that?”

               “He’s trying to intimate you,” I said.

               “Uh-huh.”

               From the expression on his face, I thought it had probably worked. I laughed a little.

               “Just be glad he’s still small. And don’t freak out, but you’ve got two more visitors behind you.”

               He didn’t, to his credit, though I noticed his neck stiffened at once. Very slowly, he turned around from the waist, peering back over his shoulder.

               One of the pair, a young orangutan, scarpered as soon as John began to look around, but the other one held his ground, head bobbing a little as they looked at each other.

               “That’s Oren,” I said.

               “Right. Is he going to try and run me off as well?”

               I snorted, as Cornelius climbed back into my lap for a hug. “No, he’s just curious. And possibly jealous for some attention.”

               Oren continued to creep closer, skirting around John’s side towards his feet, reaching out a cautious hand to flick the laces of his boots, then jumping back again. Cornelius squirmed in my arms as he watched his friend, still nervous.

               “We… uh… we should be getting… back… inside…” John’s voice was quiet, trailing away as Oren worked his curious way around John’s boots, then exploring up the side of his legs. He moved at last, slowly extending his hand out towards the small ape. I tensed, and Oren did as well, swaying backwards and forwards on the ground. John waited, hand still outstretched. In my arms, Cornelius gave a tiny chitter of warning. In one explosive movement, Oren jumped forwards, smacking John’s hand down, then spun around, racing away, hooting his triumph loudly as he did so. John blinked after him, stunned, then grinned a little, shaking his head.

               Pressing a quick kiss to Cornelius’s head, I encouraged him off my lap and stood up, brushing myself off as I moved over and held out a hand to help John up. He took it and I braced myself, hauling him to his feet. For a moment, we both stood, looking out over the young apes. Those further away had lost interest in us, returning to their own rough and tumble games, or quiet grooming. I watched John watching them, noting the furrow in his brow.

               “They’re not your enemy, John,” I said quietly. “They never were.”

               He didn’t disagree.

Chapter Text

The world is a vampire, sent to drain

Secret destroyers, hold you up to the flames

And what do I get, for my pain?

Betrayed desire, and a piece of the game

Bullet with Butterfly Wings – Tommee Profitt ft. Sam Tinnesz

(Originally by The Smashing Pumpkins)

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I expected to lie awake that night, ears straining for any hint that the apes were making their move but despite myself, I fell asleep quickly. It was still early when shouts awoke me and I jerked upright.

               “They’re here!”

               “… seen outside, let’s go!”

               “… more Apaches.”

               The words layered over each other, a confused jumble of words that my barely-awake brain struggled to comprehend.

               I pushed myself to my feet, one hand reaching out for Lily, who had been sleeping beside me. Her face echoed the confusion and sleep on mine. John pushed his way through the confused mess of the other soldiers.

               “Prescott’s here,” he said tersely. “We need you.” His eyes were on me.

               “What? Why?” Lily shrank back, her hand clamped around mine.

               “You’re the reason they’re not attacking. Might help to have you there. And he’ll probably want an update.”

               My stomach swooped. An update. What was I meant to say, that the way to avoid infection might be held in my blood, in John’s blood too? Every soldier within 5 miles would be lining up with a razor blade to slash it out of me at the faintest suggestion that it was true. I swallowed, pushing my thoughts away. It wasn’t important right now. I would deal with what to tell them if it came to that. But I was more focused on something else. John had made no mention of the apes.

               I hadn’t been woken during the night – did that mean that Caesar hadn’t needed my explosives to get out, or that they had failed to escape altogether? Only one way to find out for sure.

               I stepped forwards, pulling Lily with me. “Let’s go.”

               John’s eyes flicked to Lily, the surprise showing on his face. Until now, I’d done everything I could to keep Lily isolated in the lab.

               “She’s coming,” I said firmly, before he could object.

               He gave a shrug and a nod, before moving away, shouting orders to the rest of the group, who settled quickly. I noticed Garcia and most of his men hurrying out the door first, though Denny remained behind, staying close beside me. There was no time to offer him any reassurance or acknowledgement, we were already hurrying after Garcia, Lily’s footsteps matching mine.

               My heart was hammering, though it had nothing to do with the physical exertion. What would we find outside? There was light ahead, the soft pastel colours of dawn, muted by the press of bodies spilling out through the open doorway.

               John went through just ahead of me, moving forwards enough to allow us outside before turning back, giving more orders, directing his men into a new formation.

               I didn’t listen to any of it, my hand tight around Lily’s as I stretched up onto my tiptoes, looking over the heads of the other soldiers.

               Then a brief gap opened up in the press of bodies, and I didn’t have to crane my neck anymore.

               Beside me, Lily gasped.

               The door to the apes’ cage was open. The enclosure was empty.

               I looked the other way. I had to be sure.

               The mirroring enclosure, where the younger apes had been, was just as deserted.

               They’d done it, they were gone. It was over.

               I relaxed. Completely. My shoulders slumped, my hand went limp around Lily’s, my eyes closed and I sagged. But there was a smile on my mouth.

               A helicopter roared overhead and sound rushed back around me.

               “Where are they?”

               “Quick, to the wall!”

               “Where’s the Colonel?”

               “They’re coming now!”

               “Where the fuck did they go? Where are the kongs?”

               I opened my eyes again, knowing I should stop smiling, but I couldn’t. If anything, the expression grew with the shouts of confusion from all around me. What did I care? What did any of it matter anymore? The apes were free, that was the important thing. The rest was all meaningless noise, irrelevant.

               My eyes found John, just as he was turned away from the apes’ empty enclosure, and looked directly at me.

               My smile faded away as we stared at each other. He looked into me, through me, to the depths of my soul, and found the truth hidden there. And the longer our eyes lingered, the more secrets he seemed to pull out, the more truths he seemed to realise.

               “Lieutenant!”

               John’s eyes snapped away from me and I swayed, struggling to find myself. I’d been so happy, so pleased about something… Ecstatic with relief…

               Where had that gone, why was the gaping hole it left so painful?

               “It’s the Colonel, he’s not responding!”

               Something tightened in John’s face as he stared at the speaker. Without looking at me, he said something to Rick, then began to stride back towards the building behind me

               “John!” I lunged, releasing Lily’s hand, and grabbed his arm, swinging him around. “Don’t, don’t go.”

               He shrugged off my grasping hands without thinking, but he paused, looking back.

               “Come with me.” The words were out before I thought about them.

               For a moment, I thought he was going to agree. Then his face hardened and he took another step back, away from me.

               “He’s my father.” Despite the coldness of his tone, he still hesitated for another moment, as if he was about to say something else, then he turned and was gone, plunging back through the doorway, and I was left behind, staring after him.

.

.

I turned away from the doorway where John had disappeared and found Rick staring in the same direction, looking almost as shocked as I felt. His eyes flicked to mine and I saw the same numbness, the same sick feeling, reflected back at me. Then he turned away, face hardened, professional once more.

               “Easy, tighten up there, let’s get moving,” he barked out the orders, his voice full of certainty that I wished I could believe. “Garcia, go on ahead, see if you can intercept anyone.”

               Garcia, though I thought that he technically outranked Rick, nodded, gesturing to three of his men, and set off at a jog, immediately lost in the crowd. Rick followed more sedately, and Denny stepped in closer to me, urging me forwards. I let him chivvy me along, though I continued to glance back over my shoulder. A few more soldiers, stragglers, were emerging from the doorway, but none of them had the dark hair, the blue eyes, that I was watching for.

               “THERE!” The shout cut through the rest of the confused babble, and we all looked up, seeing one of the men already atop the wall pointing out at something beyond. Next second, the air was split by the chattering of gunfire as he raised his rifle and pulled the trigger, unleashing a storm of bullets. The group all flinched instinctively, dropping into crouches, weapons raised.

               “What the…”

               “What’s happening?”

               “Is it them, are they attacking?”

               “What’s Prescott doing, we had a deal?!”

               “It’s the Kongs, get them!”

               “Don’t shoot, Prescott is out there!”

               The words rippled around us, confused and desperate shouts from all directions, a mixture of exclamations and orders, all lost to the chaos. One word got through to me. Kongs. What the soldiers called the apes. They were still out there, and the soldiers were shooting at them.

               “Jac!”

               I turned at Lily’s voice. Somehow, she’d slipped away from me, over to the gate to the apes’ enclosure. She was pointing at something that I couldn’t see, but my eyes focused instead on the gate, standing open, undamaged. I spun around, looking the other way. The gate to the other enclosure was the same, partially open, undamaged. I remembered waking up this morning, after a night of sleep undisturbed. Caesar hadn’t used the explosives.

               Shoving my way past Denny, I raced across the open space, ignoring the shouts behind me, and slipping through the open gate. Where had I put it? I’d been some way inside, and there had been a cluster of rocks. There! I dove, prising the precious container out of its hiding spot. The liquid inside sloshed around as I turned, running back out to where the soldiers were standing, stunned by my sudden action.

               With every stride, the nitroglycerine shivered, and I held it as far away from my body as I could. The plastic was cold against my hand, which would stabilise the compound, making it harder to detonate, but that wasn’t enough to calm my nerves. Outside the fence, I skidded to a halt, looking one way, then the other.

               On the wall, the soldiers were still firing. It felt as if every bullet struck my heart, each one carrying the potential of death for my adopted family. What if they hit Caesar, or Cornelius? My single bottle of explosives wouldn’t be enough to stop them all. But maybe as a distraction it would give the apes an opportunity to escape.

               Ahead of me, Rick had stepped forwards, his suspicious eyes on the bottle, his mouth opening. Behind him, I could see Lily. She knew what I held, and I could see the realisation in her eyes. Unnoticed by the soldiers, all focused on me, she began to back away, into the apes’ enclosure.

               “What…”

               I didn’t let Rick get any further. In one movement, I turned back towards the buildings, drew back my arm, and then hurled the plastic container with all the strength I had. It arched gracefully through the air, tumbling end over end towards the doorway where John had disappeared. I knew one heart-stopping moment of grief at the thought of him, then the container hit the wall.

Chapter Text

I shoot for the sky, I’m stuck on the ground.

Why do I try – I know I’m gonna fall down?

I thought I could fly, so why did I drown?

I’ll never know why it’s coming down, down, down

Down – Jason Walker

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The corridors seemed dark after the brightness of the dawn outside, or maybe it was just the shutters that had fallen across John’s eyes that shaded everything before him. The look on Jac’s face… There was a feeling in his stomach that he didn’t want to put words to. Her smile, so gentle but so strong. Full of relief and triumph when she saw that the apes had somehow escaped in the night. It was like all her dreams had come true. Like nothing else mattered to her. Maybe it didn’t.

               Maybe it didn’t matter to John either. He clenched his jaw as he took the twisting stairs two at a time, racing upwards, drawn on by the sound of pounding on metal.

               At the door to his father’s room, he found a whole crowd of soldiers, using an old fire extinguisher as a battering ram. There were dents in the door from their efforts, but it remained closed.

               “Lieutenant,” one of them, Corporal Frances, snapped him a salute. “We’re not getting any response, sir. What’s going on?”

               John paused, staring at the door. It only locked from the inside. If it wasn’t opening, it was because his father was inside. Though not necessarily alone.

               “Keep trying,” he said tersely, then moved on, leaving the confused soldiers behind him as he jogged away, down the passage that led to the rest of the rooms on this level. Or that was what they thought at least. John knew otherwise. There was a small opening in the back of a supply closet that backed onto his father’s quarters. John had wanted to block it up completely, but his father had disagreed, saying it was a useful advantage to have, especially as no one else knew about it.

               Finding the right room, John flung open the door, shoving the piles of boxes aside to reveal the small hole, barely three-foot square, just large enough for him to push through…

               On the other side, there was a little bit more room, the opening hidden by a sheet of wood that slid quietly to the side, further disguised by other junk, piled artfully around the opening to provide cover. Squirming through the tight hole, John remained in a crouch, listening hard. He could hear the pounding of the other soldiers trying to get in through the door, but nothing else. Slipping his Glock out of its holster on his thigh, John peered over the top of the closest box.

               The room was a mess. Chairs were lying toppled, papers were scattered everywhere, a flask overturned on the table leaking liquid across the surface and dripping steadily onto the floor. Darker spots also dotted the walls, smeared into streaks. Blood.

               Straightening up, gun at the ready, John stepped out, his steps soft and light. Finally, between the banging at the door, which he could now see was barricaded with an assortment of items, he heard a new noise.

               A choking, rasping, gurgling noise.

               His heart sank. It was the sound that had haunted his dreams for the past months, ever since he’d had to murder four of his own soldiers, men who had trusted him. It was the sound they had made, the only sound they were capable of, once the new virus had taken hold of them. And now it was here, in his father’s rooms.

               Maybe it’s not him, maybe someone else broke in here…

               But he squashed down the traitorous hope, knowing it was lies. Cautiously, already knowing what he would find, he stepped to the side until he could see through to his father’s sleeping quarters.

               John froze. He’d thought he was prepared, that he knew what was waiting for him. He was wrong.

               There was his father, lying spread out, a blanket twisted around him. But there was another figure as well, standing over him, dark and foreboding, a gun held steady, pointing at the Colonel’s head. Even though John had barely looked at him before, probably wouldn’t have been able to pick him out of a group, he knew exactly who it was. Who else would it be?

               John swallowed, but even as he stood there, he saw that he was wrong. The gun in Caesar’s grip wasn’t steady at all. It was shaking, shaking badly, and even as he watched, the ape began to lower it, turning away.

               John’s father let out a hiss, reaching up to grab the barrel, bringing it back to the middle of his forehead, grinding it against the skin there.

               “Don’t.” John barely felt the word leave his mouth, barely heard the whisper that danced through the air, but it was enough to make them both look around, man and ape starting at his presence.

               Caesar looked away first. His father’s gaze lingered a little longer, but eventually turned aside, eyes hard and determined.

               “Please.” John took a step closer, lowering his own gun as he did so. “I won’t stop you, but please… please don’t.”

               Don’t go… Jac’s words echoed in his ears but he pushed them away.

               For a few seconds, it seemed that Caesar would pull the trigger anyway, then he drew back, laying the gun down on the table next to his father and stepping away, turning and meeting John’s gaze. John took a breath, caught in the ape’s eyes, the spark within them. Then Caesar was moving past him. The path clear, John holstered his gun, hurrying forwards and dropping into a crouch at his father’s side.

               “Dad…”

               How long had it been since he’d called the Colonel that? The word seemed to stick in his throat, or maybe that was just the lump that was already there.

               “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to… I shouldn’t have…”

               The colonel reached out, touching his son’s face and John blinked, surprised by the moisture there. He wiped his face quickly.

               “It’ll be okay, Jac’ll find a cure, she’s been working on it, she’ll…” The words trailed away. There was no cure now. Jac was gone, and that last hope had gone with her. For a moment, John’s fists clenched, anger rushing through him like a shock of electricity, burning out all else. Jac… she’d betrayed him, after all he’d done for her, all the times he’d fought for her, defended her… and she’d thrown it all away.

               The image of her from the day before, the young ape balancing on her knees, came back to him, and the anger faded away.

               They’re not your enemy, she had said. And she wasn’t his enemy either. If he’d fallen for her deceptions, he had no one to blame but himself.

               “I love you, Dad. I’m sorry.”

               His father’s eyes slipped away as John fell silent, his hand reaching out towards the gun next to him. John swallowed, blinking more moisture from his eyes as he mirrored his father’s actions, reaching out to support the weight of the weapon.

               To his surprise, however, his father drew back, pushing his hand away.

               Their eyes met again. Vaguely, John understood. This wasn’t his choice, and it wasn’t his burden.

               Father and son stared at each other as John McCullough Sr. raised the gun to his temple, finger on the trigger.

               The gunshot split the air with a loud crack.

Chapter Text

My name is ruin,

My name is evil,

My name’s a war song,

I’ll sing you a new one.

My Name is Ruin – Gary Numan

.

.

The world came back to me in bits and pieces. The sky overhead, blue and pink, flames caressing the edge, writhing upwards towards the distant clouds. A ringing in my ears, sharp pain when I turned my head. The doorway, where the bottle of nitroglycerine had impacted, was gone. Cracks radiated upwards from a crater in the wall, at least five feet wide. Chunks of rock littered the ground around it, scorch marks radiating outwards like a star bursting upon the ground. Pushing myself up onto my elbows, I winced at the stab of pain in my head and my right shoulder. The sleeve was torn, fluttering loosely, and I felt something warm trickling down my arm.

               Around me, the soldiers were picking themselves up as well, those further away from the centre of the blast recovering first. Some of those closer weren’t moving at all. I saw red flesh, burned and warped, broken limbs lying at odd angles.

               A streak of brown knuckled past and I blinked, opening my mouth, but Caesar was already gone, racing away towards the wall.

               The wall, the soldiers.

               “They…” The words wouldn’t come, my vision swimming as I crawled around, swaying as I tried to get upright, staring off towards the wall, which refused to come into focus.

               “Jac!”

               “They… shooting… stop them…”

               “Jac.” It was Denny’s voice, his face that covered my vision, his hand on my cheek, steadying me. “Are you okay?”

               “I had to… had to stop it…” I breathed, falling sideways and catching myself with one hand, fingers sinking into the slushy mud underneath.

               “You bitch.”

               I blinked again, looking up, past Denny. It was Rick, blood trickling from his nose, and one of his ears. He was swaying too, but he was upright, and his rifle was pointing right at me.

               “I told him you were planning something, I told him not to trust you, that you didn’t give a fuck about us. You were only here for your precious monkeys. Should have known you’d cook up something like this.”

               I staggered upright, using Denny’s shoulder to support myself, and faced him. Around us, the other soldiers, those that could, were doing the same, their faces hard as they glared at me. Past them, another face stared at me, horrified. Lily.

               “You know what, Sergeant,” I spat out, as I raised one hand, signing two letters – GO – without taking my eyes off of Rick, “maybe you should have thought of that before you let me into that lab. And you forgot one other thing too…” I grinned at him, showing my teeth. “I’m a fucking chemist.”

               Rick’s face contorted with fury and he took half a step forwards, pulling the trigger of his rifle, just as Denny lurched to his feet in front of me.

               The rifle cracked, bullets chattering, and Denny crumpled.

               I dropped to my knees beside him, forgetting Rick and the other soldiers.

               “Denny?” My chest and face were covered in blood, but it wasn’t mine. “Denny!” His eyes were open, but unseeing, blood pumping sluggishly from the side of his neck and his chest.

               Another explosion rocked the ground beneath me, sending the soldiers staggering. Two more followed in quick succession, the huge propane tanks along the side of the compound going up one after another.

               Something came streaking around the side of the apes' enclosure, racing towards the gate. Caesar. I blinked, shaking blood from my eyes. He saw me this time, eyes locking onto mine, and he gave a sharp bark, calling to me. I looked down at Denny once more, his lifeless gaze staring off to the side. Scrambling to my feet, I ran forwards with shaky steps. There was an aching pain spreading in my side, flaring when I inhaled.

               The soldiers were recovering, Rick looking up. He swung his rifle up again.

               I was too close, inside the gun’s range. Pushing the barrel aside, I shoved Rick as hard as I could, sending him sprawling back to the ground with a yell, then I was past them. More guns were pumping out bullets all around, but another propane tank went up and then I saw Caesar dropping through a hole in the ground. I skidded the last two feet on my side, feeling rocks tear at my pants, and fell after him into darkness.

.

.

No time to rest, Caesar knuckled on, leading the way. Lily was waiting for me, our hands grabbing clumsily for the other in the dim passage. We raced after Caesar, splashing through puddled water. A roar built behind us, and a blast of hot air pushed us forwards. Stumbling, we somehow kept our feet, holding each other up and pushing on.

               Caesar turned off, lunging for a ladder on the wall and scrambling up. I pushed Lily ahead of me, then clawed my way up, emerging in the middle of a convenient mess of boulders. Somewhere close, I could still hear the roar of flames from the compound. I wanted nothing more than to collapse there and not move again for a week. Was it really only just after dawn? It felt like the end of a very long day. But it wasn’t over yet.

               With a hiss of pain, I pushed to my feet and looked around. The wall of the compound was visible to the north, though it was broken, toppled into piles of rubble in several places. Beyond it, flames were crackling merrily, reaching high into the sky. At the breach further to the east, men in white camouflage gear were climbing inside. General Prescott’s men had arrived.

               Caesar was standing close by, leaning on one of the boulders as he looked out, watching the new soldiers assess the situation.

               The other way, off to the west, I could just pick out the trail of apes, their dark bodies moving quickly against the white snow as they climbed out of the valley.

               “That way,” I said quietly to Lily, pointing them out. “Go, quick. We’ll be right behind you.”

               She pulled me into a brief hug, then scuttled off, bent over to remain unseen.

               I walked stiffly in the other direction, over to Caesar. He was leaning more heavily on the rock now, looking as exhausted as I felt, but he still looked around as I sidled up beside him, crouched low behind the boulders.

               “Alright?”

               I tried to contain my many questions, all the things I wanted to say, in that one word. Caesar looked at me, and I knew that he’d heard them.

               Whatever had happened in the compound whilst we’d been separated, he looked at me and I saw the old Caesar, the one I remembered from before the war had even begun. He reached out a hand and I grasped it tightly with mine. We smiled at each other, and I felt a tear slide down my face. It was over now. We were out, we were free.

               “Let’s get out of here,” I suggested.

               Caesar wasn’t listening. His gaze had moved away, back out to the plain where the new soldiers were assembled, and his expression turned wary again. I turned, peering out from behind the boulder.

               Faces, covered in scarfs and goggles, were turning in his direction, silence spreading out like ripples in the pond as they stared at the ape.

               One of those closest shifted, as if to raise their gun.

               I drew in a sharp breath of horror, and stood up.

               There was something surreal in the air as I stood there, shoulder to shoulder with Caesar, staring out at a sea of hidden faces. Covered as they were, I had no way of knowing what the soldiers were thinking as they looked up at us. The one who I’d seen raising his gun lowered it back down. Far off in the distance, I could make out a group in different uniforms, clustered in front of one of the large Humvee vehicles. Were they the officers? I had no way of knowing. In the other direction, I saw movement at the breach in the wall, and despite the distance between us, I thought I recognised Lieutenant Garcia as he climbed over the wall. His face, unlike so many of the others, was uncovered, but I couldn’t make out his expression. It was clear that he was looking at us though.

               All over the open valley, glances were being exchanged, heads put together, questions asked and unanswered.

               I glanced sideways at Caesar and he looked back at me.

               Before either of us could make another move, a dull rumble began to sound. The earth beneath us was shaking. The soldiers could feel it too, their movements were panicky now as they turned in every direction, trying to see the source.

               Caesar found it before I did, going suddenly still. I followed his gaze.

               “Shit.”

               High above us, up the mountain over the quarantine compound seemed to be letting off a cloud. A great cushion of white was rising into the air. Below it, the snow that covered the mountain was shifting, slipping downwards.

               “Run. Run, go, go, go!” I tore at Caesar’s back, already scrambling sideways.

               He was seconds behind me, but quickly drew off in front, knuckling away along the path the other apes had taken, the soldiers behind us long forgotten. He glanced backwards, pausing, but I waved him on.

               “Go!” I screamed. Beyond him, I could see Lily, who had also turned, head turning from the avalanche, gaining speed with every second, to me. She was making the calculation and not liking the results. For a second, I thought she was going to run back down towards me, but then Caesar reached her, tugging her arm as he passed and she ran on.

               I risked a glance sideways, up towards the wall of snow and ice cascading down upon me.

               I wasn’t going to make it.

               I ran faster, legs pumping furiously, but the ground was only just beginning to rise, it was much too far to the heights where I might be safe, or even to a tree that I could cling to. The rumble was louder now, a roaring pounding like a waterfall, getting closer with every second, too close.

               I looked up, saw Lily’s face looking down at me, her mouth open in a cry that was lost to me. Then everything was gone.

Chapter Text

When all hope is lost, and there’s no end in sight,

lift up your eyes, heroes will rise.

And lay down your fear, get ready to fight,

heroes will rise, heroes will rise.

Heroes will Rise – J2 & Chroma Music

.

.

White everywhere, tumbling, shoving, pushed along. Floating on top of a churning tide, limbs flailing wildly as I tried not to sink. Failing. Crushing weight everywhere. Pain to match. Darkness closing over my head.

               Stillness came gradually. There was a softening of the tide, a slowing of the tumbling rollercoaster. The snow flexed and shifted, then nothing.

               It took a few seconds for my brain to re-engage. First thing I found was that I could still breathe. Instinct had made me cover my face with an elbow, and the air pocket that had created was small, but enough for now. I seemed to be vaguely horizontal, though how deeply buried I was, I had no idea. My other arm was extended over my head, encased in cold snow. One of my legs was bent backwards at the knee, but not far enough for any stretch to be uncomfortable. Yet.

               Of all the ways I’d thought I could die over the last decade and a half – catching the virus, an angry mob discovering my past, Koba taking his revenge, the soldiers shooting me for any of my numerous crimes against them – being buried in an avalanche to suffocate had not been on the list. A trickle of water, melted snow, ran down my face. Maybe I wouldn’t suffocate, maybe I would inhale snow and drown instead.

               I closed my eyes. It was so dark that it made no difference. This was the end then. So many deaths. Sophie, my friend back in the San Francisco colony. Denny, who had died saving me, whether intentional or not. Ash, so young and full of promise. John, no doubt killed in the explosions, or buried just as I was now. Blue Eyes and Cornelia. Even Koba passed through my thoughts. Another droplet of moisture trickled down my face, not so cold this time. My tears were warm against my skin.

               It was okay, I tried to tell myself, as I lay in my cold grave. Caesar had survived, Cornelius and Lily too. At least, I hoped so; there had been bodies lying in the snow outside the wall, where the soldiers had spotted the apes making their final escape. I had no way of knowing who had been killed. Had Lake survived, Jasmine, Cedar, Oak, Rocket? What about Maurice and Luca? I hadn’t seen them since I’d confronted Caesar about splitting from the rest of his group and going after the Colonel.

               I could hear them now, the distant cacophony of overlapping calls. The sound of family.

               My eyes snapped open. I could hear them. Really hear them, not just inside my head. Maybe I wasn’t buried that deeply. Maybe I could get out. Maybe I could survive.

               Cornelius, Lily, Caesar, Lake, Jasmine… I could see them all again. It didn’t have to be over.

               I writhed in the snow. Or rather, I tried to. My legs felt like they were stuck in concrete, the weight on my chest too much to be lifted. But my right arm, outstretched over my head, shifted slightly. Abandoning the rest of my body, I poured all my focus, all my determination, into that one limb. Muscles strained, flexing, fighting.

               My fingers shifted, wrist bending, forearm lifting up.

               Somehow, the air felt even colder than the snow.

.

.

I dug myself out gradually, and with a lot of contortions. My head had only been about two feet under the surface, but I’d been angled down, so my legs were much deeper. By the time I’d excavated a hole large enough for me to slide out of, my pants were wet through. But I was out. I was alive.

               Standing on top of the lumpy layer of newly turned snow, I looked around, marvelling at every little thing. The sun glinting off the snow, the feel of the wind, the smell of trees and smoke, it was as wonderful to me as anything had ever been, and I revelled in it.

               After several moments, I turned, eyes scanning the mountainside. I vaguely recognised the line of the cliffs where Lily and Caesar had climbed to safety, but I couldn’t see any movement up there. But I had heard them. The apes had survived, I was sure of it. I began to walk.

               It seemed to take a long time, stumbling over the fresh, uneven terrain. The avalanche had shifted rocks and ripped branches off trees, all the debris mixed in with the snow to form treacherous footing. Eventually, I made it up out of the devastation, back to solid ground. There, I turned around, shielding my eyes against the glare off the snow as I looked out over the valley. Far off, on the other edge of the avalanche’s destruction, the sun winked back at me, reflecting off something shiny. I squinted, looking hard. Tiny figures scuttling around like ants. Not all of Prescott’s men had been caught in the wave of snow, it seemed. The distant soldiers were intent on their work, probably trying to excavate their colleagues, so I turned away, trudging on up the slope.

               My chest was searing by the time I reached the top, a sharp pain that didn’t match the rest of my aches, and I pulled aside my coat and sweater to investigate. Something hard and sharp pressed back against my exploring fingers, and the pain jabbed at me again as it shifted. There was a hole in my shirt, the skin underneath wet and slippery. I peered down, trying to see.

               It was a bullet, mangled and misshapen, lodged in my skin against one of my lower ribs. I pulled it out, staring down at it. Denny’s face flashed before me, the way it had looked as he’d struggled to his feet, only to fall again. One of Rick’s bullets must have gone all the way through him, but hadn’t had enough velocity left to do any real damage to me. The blood was sticky against my fingers.

               The bullet slipped from my grasp, falling into the snow at my feet. I’d left him behind. Whether intentionally or not, Denny had saved my life, and paid with his. And I’d left his body there as if he was nothing to me.

               To go with Caesar, to survive.

               The justification didn’t seem like enough. Swallowing, I kicked some snow over the bloody bullet and walked on, wiping my eyes with the back of my arm. He was buried now anyway, along with Rick and the others. And John. I wiped my eyes again as I crested the ridge.

               There they were.

               The troop of apes were spread out on the other side of the slope below me. My family.

               I smiled at the sight of them, free once again, and began to make my way down towards them. Everything was going to be okay now. No matter what price had been paid, this was the result. This was what mattered.

               I was spotted before I was even ten steps out of the treeline, a single hoot going up that drew all the other’s attention. Lily was the first to break out of the group, almost falling over as she launched herself up off the ground and charged towards me. Her face was streaked with tears, her eyes very red. She hit me with almost as much force as the avalanche, and I staggered several steps backwards as I held her. Over her shaking shoulder, I could see the rest of the apes, the majority on their feet and looking towards us.

               Drawing back from Lily, I smiled at her. She was trying to talk, but every time she opened her mouth, another sob would overcome her. Shaking my head, I put my arm around her shoulders, letting her continue crying into my side as I guided us both down towards the rest of the apes.

               Everywhere I looked, there were familiar faces. Tired, dirty, but alive. There was Cedar, a group of other female apes clustered around her. There was Oak, nodding to me in recognition. There was Lake, little Oren in her arms. Her face was more sombre.

               “Jasmine?” I signed.

               She shook her head.

               My shoulders slumped a little. I was scared to ask my next question, but I had to. “Caesar?”

               Lake pointed.

               I turned.

               There he was.

               Sat on the ground, Cornelius held to his side, flanked by Rocket and Maurice, Caesar looked steadily up at me. His bright eyes were unwavering. Disentangling Lily from my side, I stepped forwards alone. In front of him, I dropped to a crouch, bringing my head level with him. It was a physical effort to lift my eyes from the ground.

               For several long seconds, we were both silent, staring at the other.

               “Forgive me,” I said, the words catching in my throat. “I couldn’t risk them finding out what I was doing. But all I did, I did for you.”

               Caesar shook his head. “Nothing to forgive. You were right, I was blinded by hatred. Could not see what was really important.” He reached out, releasing Cornelius to grip my shoulder. “It’s over now.”

               I wound my arm around his, feeling the strength in the limb. He was so warm.

               “You stayed behind at the end, when the others were already out,” I said. “The Colonel?”

               “Dead. All dead now.”

               The words were spoken and I felt nothing.

               “Not all of them,” I said, remembering what I had seen when climbing the slope. “A few of the new soldiers didn’t get buried.”

               Caesar huffed as he released me. “They search for their friends. We will be long gone before they look for us.”

               I nodded, ready to be gone from this place and the memories locked here, under the ice. “What needs to be done?” I asked briskly. “What are we waiting for?”

               Cornelius climbed out of his father’s lap, scampering over to me and jumping up onto my knees. “Jac!” he announced and I smiled.

               “Waiting for you,” Caesar huffed, but when I looked up, he wouldn’t meet my eyes. He turned away, and began issuing orders to the others, preparing to move on.

               There was no way Caesar could have known that I’d survive the avalanche, or be able to dig myself out, but it was a kind thing to say, whether truthful or not. As I looked down at Cornelius, steadying him where he perched on my legs, I wondered if, in the end, the only thing we could give each other was kindness.

Chapter Text

No need to forgive, no need to forget,
I know your mistakes and you know mine.
Monsters – James Blunt

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The miles fell away under our collective feet, a snaking train of lives, stretching southward.

               I had broken away from the troop on the first day, Lily following along, for she refused to be parted from me, and returned to the little copse of trees where I’d stashed my gear before entering the soldiers compound. It might have seemed like a pointless errand to anyone else, there was nothing of real value to retrieve. No food, no weapons. Nothing useful. Just a single, creased, worn photograph. It had been years since I’d taken it from on top of a piano in the Rodman household, but it had survived. Like us, it had survived. Maybe after all that, it deserved to come all the way.

               The apes even managed to find some of their horses, abandoned by the soldiers, though I turned down the offer to ride on one. My feet worked perfectly well, and I still didn’t like the big animals. Too unpredictable.

               So, I walked each day, near the head of the column. Rocket led the way, leading us, at long last, to the place he and Blue Eyes had discovered. It felt like so long ago that they had returned with the news, a new place the apes could call home. Caesar was there, Cornelius often riding in front of him. Maurice completed the trio, for the fourth member was notably absent. Luca had died before either Caesar or I had made it to the soldiers’ compound.

               In his absence, others had joined the leading group. A strange ape was there about half the time, his almost hairless head poking out from a bright blue parka jacket. He called himself “Bad Ape”, and spoke just as well as Caesar, though he didn’t know any sign language. He’d told Lily and me his story the first evening, as we sat huddled around a small fire. Lily had listened, fascinated, full of questions. I’d heard it with half an ear and asked nothing. Another time, I might have taken more note, might have actually thought about what it might mean, but not now.

               The other addition to our group was even more of a shock. A human girl, blonde hair and huge eyes. She reminded me of Scope. She had the new virus, the now-familiar gargling choking noise the only sound leaving her mouth. Despite that, she had already picked up several signs, and seemed to listen intently to everything that was said. Here at last, when it was too late, was the conclusive proof that the new virus did not reduce people to the dumb brutes the Colonel had said it did. This should also have elicited more questions from me, but it did not. Lily made an effort to be kind to the girl, christened Nova by Maurice, but I wanted nothing to do with her.

               For all the triumph this journey should have brought, I was numb inside. I might have clawed my way out of the avalanche, rising from a snowy grave, but I had left part of myself behind. Everything was in shades of grey, the colours muted and distant. Each night, as the apes began to settle, I would make my way to the back of the column and scan the horizon, watching for any sign of pursuit, any flash of light or hint of movement. The persistent stillness did not assuage my fears. Some of the soldiers had survived. Some of Prescott’s men hadn’t been buried. Surely, they would be coming after us. Wouldn’t they?

               The fourth night, as I stood at my vigil, someone came up to stand beside me.

               “There’s no one out there, Jac,” Lily said quietly, slipping her hand into mine.

               I squeezed it, but couldn’t find any words to offer in response.

               “We need you here, not out there,” she continued. Her voice was so gentle.

               “I’m here.” The words were weak and vague.

               “Are you?” She turned back, facing the apes, instead of the gathering night. “You know, there’s only one person who’s been quieter than you since we set out.”

               I turned to look at her, blinking.

               “Caesar. I’m worried about him.”

               Had he been quiet? I had no idea. I’d been so wrapped up in myself that I had barely noticed anything around me.

               “Then you should say something to him,” I said, breaking my silence at last.

               “Not my place.”

               “And you think it’s mine?” The idea was ridiculous.

               “He needs you. We all do.”

               I snorted, returning to my scan of the horizon, though I couldn’t see much of it through the gathering darkness anymore.

               “Cornelius needs you,” Lily offered, in response to my derisive snort. “And I’ve been talking to the others as well. You didn’t tell me half of what you’ve done for them, especially early on. They trust you, rely on you. And they’ve noticed that you’re different now. It’s making them nervous. With Caesar withdrawing too…”

               I looked down. Caesar was their strength. That much, at least, I knew.

               “Talk to Maurice. He’ll talk to Caesar, if you don’t want to.”

               “Do you love Caesar?”

               “Of course I do.”

               “And you love John?”

               My head snapped around, and I glared at her. She wasn’t looking at me. I turned, walking past her, heading back towards the head of the group. Lily fell into step beside me, the question hanging between us.

               “We’ve had that discussion,” I said shortly. “And it doesn’t matter anymore.”

               “Do you think he’s dead?”

               It seemed Lily wasn’t going to let it drop, so I forced myself to consider the question. “Yes, I do.”

               “Then let him go.”

               “I’m not out here looking for him!” I said, exasperated. “I saw the other soldiers. After the avalanche, I saw them. I’m not the only one who survived, and if they come after us, we’re right back where we started. So excuse me for taking precautions.” I’d stopped, turning to face her again, my hands bunched into fists.

               “That’s not what I meant.”

               We stared at each other.

               “I care about you, Jac. But this… it’s like I’m walking around with a ghost, and it’s going to kill you. I’m not going to stand by and let that happen. So pull your head out of your ass, let the past die, and go see what’s wrong with your ape.”

               “He’s not my…” I cut myself off. My heart was pumping, and the colours were alive all around me.

               Lily was right, I was only half-engaging. The other half of me was looking backwards, and not just for signs of attack.

               “Come back to us. Please.” Lily smiled slightly, then walked past me, leaving me alone in the twilight.

               I turned to look, not at the distant horizon, but at the apes, huddling together for comfort, the occasional fire flickering low. They didn’t need me. As a collective, they were perfectly capable of getting by on their own, I was nothing to the group. But maybe there was a shred of truth in Lily’s words. There were those I counted as friends. Lake, Cedar, Oak. I had been neglecting them all. I hadn’t even checked on how Oren was coping after the death of his mother. And what about those who were even closer? Cornelius would gambol around me, and I would always draw up a smile and a laugh for him, but now that I thought about it, he had been coming to see me less and less over each day. Had he sensed the falseness of my jollity? And Caesar… I hadn’t even noticed that he had been quiet. Lily had had to come and point it out to me, with a metaphorical slap round the face as an accompaniment. Maybe I deserved it.

               Let the past die. Damn, why was Lily always right? I looked back out into the darkness of the northern horizon, imagining I could see through the miles and mountains, back to where the buried compound was.

               I had asked him to come with me. It had been stupid, and ill-considered, but I had said the words, and I’d meant them. But he had made his choice, and I had made mine.

               “Goodbye John,” I whispered.

.

.

When I reached the small campfire where the leaders had stopped for the night, I found that most of them had retired to sleep. Lily was curled up with Cornelius, facing away from the fire. Maurice and the girl, Nova, were a little further away. Rocket and Caesar were still awake, sitting silently side by side. There was no sign of Bad Ape.

               Rocket looked up as I approached, sitting down a few feet away from them. I gave him a very small nod, then fixed my eyes on Caesar. Getting the message, Rocket huffed and retreated, leaving us alone.

               “Anything?” Caesar signed.

               I shook my head. “No. It’s quiet out there.”

               Caesar huffs a little, but doesn’t say anything else. He didn’t expect anything else.

               “Are you okay?”

               He looked up at me.

               “You’ve been very quiet.”

               “So have you.”

               “Yeah.” I couldn’t deny it. “But I’m not now. So talk to me. What’s going on?”

               Caesar looked away, staring into the fire. “If they do come… what will you do?”

               I knew what he was talking about. My nightly vigils were not exactly subtle. “Same thing I’ve always done,” I said. “Whatever it takes.”

               He smiled a little. “I believe you.”

               “What’s going on?” I asked again, cautious, because now I could feel what Lily had noticed when I hadn’t. There was an air around him, something deep and sucking, a grey-tinted whirlpool.

               “Soon, it will be up to you.”

               “What will be up to me?”

               “I know you will… keep them safe.”

               “Caesar… what are you saying?”

               He turned a little, looking at me at last. “My time is almost up.”

               “Your time… you... what…”

               He raised a hand, curling it around to touch his side.

               “You… Are you hurt?!” I lunged forwards, scrambling around to his other side, pushing his arm out of the way. “Why didn’t you say anything earlier? Christ, when did this happen?” The wound was small, compact, hidden under his wiry fur, but he flinched when I tried to touch it, pushing my hand away.

               “Leave it. Too late anyway.”

               “Why didn’t you tell me?” I hissed, glaring at him. “What, you were just going to leave it like this? I could have done something!”

               “You can’t fix this, Jac.”

               My jaw clenched as he said my name.

               “I feel it… inside.”

               “Who else knows?” My voice was croaky, rough. It didn’t sound like me at all.

               He shook his head.

               “Caesar…”

               “I will see them home. Make sure they are okay. But…”

               I looked at him, really looked. His face was drawn, eyes dropping with exhaustion. When had the fur around his muzzle gone so grey?

               “You’ll look after them.”

               “They can look after themselves,” I said, blinking. “But I’ll be there. I promise. I’ll do whatever I can, whatever they need.”

               Caesar smiled, reaching out to brush his knuckles against my face.

               “God,” I muttered, wiping at my face. “This can’t really… I mean… there’s got to be something someone can do.”

               He didn’t respond to that. There was no real need.

               “You should tell some of the others at least.”

               “No,” he huffed. “No need.”

               “No need? You think it will be easier for them if they don’t know it’s coming, if you just…” I bit off that thought. It was too painful. The idea didn’t fit in my head. He was Caesar, permanent, immovable, constant. “What about Cornelius?”

               We both turned, looking over to where the young ape’s head was resting on Lily’s side.

               “I have done all I can,” Caesar said, “to protect both my sons. I can only hope, for one of them, it will be enough.”

               That was too much. The sob burst out of me, and I covered my mouth with my hand, body curled inwards as the tears ran down my face. There wasn’t enough air, I was drowning, buried again, but this time it wasn’t my grave.

               Caesar’s strong grip pulled me upwards, turning me to sit beside him, and I leant into his uninjured side, smelling the familiar musky scent of his fur, hiding my face until I’d mastered myself.

               He was looking at me when I finally raised a very wet face. “Apes together strong,” he signed. “Family… strong.”

               I hiccupped a little, but managed a nod. “I love you.” I rested my head against his, both our eyes closing for a few seconds.

               He pulled away first, standing up slowly and moving off into the night, scooping up his son from beside Lily before moving off a little further and settling down to sleep. Now that I knew what to look for, I could see the hesitation in his stride, noticed how he used his left arm to pick up Cornelius, avoiding straining his injured side. I sat there for several more minutes, staring at the dark huddle that was father and son.

               Surely there had to be something I could do, some way to make this right…

               But that wound wouldn’t be fixed by sticking a Band-Aid on it. Who knew how deep it went, what damage it could have done to Caesar’s internal organs? Even if I did know, there was no way for me to fix it. I wasn’t a surgeon. The entirety of my knowledge of first aid was to keep a wound clean and stick a bandage on it. That wasn’t enough anymore. I wasn’t enough.

               Lily sat down beside me, making me jump. Looking at her face, I wasn’t sure that she’d ever been asleep at all.

               “You heard?”

               She nodded, taking my hand. I stared into the fire. Just when my numbness had been pushed out, it was creeping back in. This wasn’t the same grey cloud that fogged everything though. This cloud was tinged red, sharpening everything. Anger and helplessness twisted together, neither one useful.

               Lily didn’t say anything, just sat beside me, holding me together as I fell apart.

.

.

I went from blind to hypervigilant overnight. With my eyes opened to Caesar’s injury, I couldn’t stop watching him, terrified of any slump, any sign of fatigue that might indicate his life slipping away. Despite my intentions to interact more with the rest of the apes, I was unable to leave his side, hovering like a mother hen. Cornelius thought this was wonderful. He gambolled back and forth from my side to his father then back again. I engaged with him more fully than I had for the rest of the journey, playing and laughing, but always I had one eye on his father. And I didn’t like what I saw.

               Caesar was struggling. How could I have missed it before? He rode with his right arm curled around his injured side, his left one gripping the mane of his horse tightly, as if he might fall at any second.

               Cornelius seemed to have some instinctive understanding that something was wrong, even if Caesar hadn’t explained what it was. The young ape was exceedingly gentle when he climbed up to sit with his father, with none of the exuberance he displayed around me and Lily, jumping and swinging from our arms, leaping from our shoulders to the ground, weaving through our legs.

               It wasn’t until the evening, after watching Caesar’s excruciatingly careful dismount from his horse – staggering when he landed – that I made my move. Leaving Cornelius in Lily’s custody, I jerked my head at Caesar, moving away from the rest of the group. The valley we were halfway down was littered with scrubby bushes and boulders, and I picked two of the latter, steering us towards them and sitting down. Caesar followed slowly.

               “Tell me what happened.”

               Caesar huffed, managing a smile. “Will it help?”

               The words cut me with their accuracy, but I didn’t flinch. “It might,” I pressed. “Tell me.”

               “You first. What happened outside?”

               I blinked, not having expected Caesar to turn it around onto me. If that was what he wanted though, I was willing to trade. “Cornelius told you about the explosives?” I checked.

               Caesar nodded. “Was too loud. Needed quieter.”

               I waved his explanation away. “In the morning, the soldiers were all awake, they knew the General’s soldiers were arriving. We all went outside to meet them, which is when we saw that you had all gone. Or, I thought you had anyway.” I threw him a glance, but he made no response.

               “The soldiers on the wall started shooting, shouting. They’d spotted some of you guys outside. I saw that the fence to the other enclosure was open, and guessed that the nitroglycerine – the explosives – would still be in there, so I grabbed them. I don’t know what I was thinking, something about how if I threw it at the wall it wouldn’t stop enough of them, that I needed it to be a distraction instead. Though I don’t know why I thought it wouldn’t be a distraction there. Anyway, I threw it at the buildings.” Even though John was inside. A phantom knife in my chest twisted. I took a deep breath. As Lily had said; I had to let him go.

               “When everything cleared I saw you, saw you go past.”

               Caesar looked surprised, but didn’t interrupt.

               “Rick, one of the other soldiers, was pretty pissed off. Not unjustified but whatever. He… he said he should have known, should have stopped me earlier. That he knew I would betray them. He…” I swallowed, remembering the crack of the rifle, the sudden terror. “He tried to shoot me. But Denny stood up at the same time. It killed him instead.”

               I didn’t look at Caesar. I’d almost forgotten he was there. “I don’t even know if he meant to do it,” I admitted. “He wasn’t even looking at Rick, probably had no idea what he was doing. Guess I’ll never know.”

               I shook myself slightly, trying to forget the spray of blood from Denny’s chest, the blank look of his eyes.

               “Then there was another explosion,” I continued, “and we were all knocked about a bit. I saw you coming back, so I ran. You know the rest.”

               “Lily?”

               I thought back. “She came outside with me, but didn’t know what I was doing when I ran to grab the explosives. She was on the other side, closer to the hole you guys dug to get out.”

               “And John?”

               I went still, my eyes flicking up to Caesar. He still looked tired, still in pain, but there was a focus in his gaze, an intensity that saw right through me.

               “John…” the name was almost a whisper. I cleared my throat, pushed down my emotions, tried again. “John came outside with us, but before the soldiers on the wall started shooting, word came down that the Colonel wasn’t answering his door, or something.” I glanced up, assuming Caesar was the reason behind that. “John went back inside. He was in there when I blew up the door.”

               Caesar shifted slightly. “I know.”

               I stared at him. “You saw him?”

               He nodded, and began to tell his side of the story.

               “Got the rest of the apes out, but couldn’t leave. Not until…”

               I nodded. We both knew that Caesar couldn’t have left that thread hanging loose.

               “Went back inside, to the Colonel’s room. He was in bed. Gun next to him. I took it.”

               My breaths were short and coarse, my eyes locked upon him. I could practically see it, the dark room, the vengeful ape, the flash of the gunshot.

               “He was sick.”

               “What?!”

               Caesar nodded. “Couldn’t speak, like the others.”

               “Oh, God.” I looked away, not seeing the valley before my eyes. I hadn’t seen that coming. “And you…”

               Caesar shook his head. “Couldn’t.”

               My shoulders drooped a little with the weight of my empathy for him. My heart was full of pain and pride.

               “Then your John was there.”

               My fists clenched and I saw red. “John shot you?”

               But Caesar shook his head again. “Saw me with gun, but said he wouldn’t stop me. When I didn’t do it, he went to the Colonel.”

               He’s my father, John’s last words to me.

               “Spoke to him. I not listen.”

               I nodded almost absently. Of course, he hadn’t.

               “Colonel took gun. Shot himself.”

               My chest, so full of emotion so recently, was now empty. “And John?”

               “Said I should go. He stayed.”

               Oh, John. I clenched my teeth together, trying to hold down the moisture that threatened to fill my eyes. I’d told him that the apes weren’t his enemy. Had he finally, in the eleventh hour, accepted that?

               Blinking away the wetness, I looked back at Caesar. This wasn’t about John. “What then?” My voice sounded rough in my own ears.

               “Felt explosion outside. You.”

               I nodded, falling back into the flow of the story, pushing John from my thoughts.

               “Other soldiers at the door, breaking it down. Took grenades from inside, went out, down from balcony. Didn’t see you.”

               There was a hint of apology in his tone, but I shrugged it aside.

               “Went towards wall, towards big tanks there.”

               I drew in a sharp breath. The propane tanks. Caesar had set his sights much higher than mine in terms of the scale of destruction.

               “Before I could…” he shifted, touching his side gingerly.

               “Who was it?”

               “Young one. With… like a bow, but not.”

               I thought for a few seconds, then it clicked. “Crossbow. Preacher.” I’d barely seen the young soldier when I was in the compound, had half-forgotten about him. “Fuck. Go on. What happened?”

               “Red.”

               I frowned. The gorilla? What did he have to do with it?

               “He killed the soldier. Preacher.”

               My eyes went wide. When had Red had that change of heart?

               “He was killed for it. But gave me time. Big tank. Big boom.”

               I gave half a laugh of amazement. Red, Preacher, John. So much I hadn’t known. “Christ,” I muttered, still trying to turn it over in my head. It took several seconds for me to recall why I had wanted the story out of him anyway. “So, a crossbow bolt,” I said, my eyes latching onto Caesar’s side.

               He huffed a small laugh, but stopped quickly. “Don’t,” he said. “Too late. Don’t want to be thinking about it.”

               Not when he has such little time left.

               I opened my mouth, but then met his gaze and stopped. His gaze was firm, full of surety. I swallowed down my protest and nodded. “Thank you, for telling me.”

               Caesar stood up again. “Your John…” He made a half-shrug as if to say ‘not so bad after all’. I smiled as he walked away.

               My John. Funny. Every time someone had said ‘my Caesar’, I was so quick to correct them. With John, for some reason, I didn’t have that urge. He’d let Caesar go. My John.

               The circle was quiet when I made my way back to it, Lily poking at the first flames of a fire in the middle.

               Caesar was sat in his usual place, between Maurice and Rocket, Cornelius sitting by his feet, playing with a pair of sticks. He looked tired and I felt suddenly guilty. I shouldn’t have made him talk so much.

               “Rocket, how long until we get to this place?” I asked, breaking the silence.

               Everyone looked up.

               Rocket blew out air through his nose, head turning from one side to the other. “Two days, three days,” he signed.

               I nodded. Would Caesar last that long? I looked up at him and he looked back, his face calm. Some of his serenity seemed to pass from his eyes to mine, slowing the thudding of my heart. He had accepted the inevitable, now I had to do the same, so that I could support him.

               Lily sat next to me, pressing her shoulder against mine.

               “Alright?” she asked quietly.

               I nodded, smiling as best as I could.

               It was the last word she would ever say.

Chapter Text

Your light will terrify the dark

I call upon the name

That tears another part

My doubt will answer to your scars

And fear will have no place

No hold upon my heart

Terrify the Dark – Skillet

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.

I was up early the next day, exchanging nods and smiles with the rest of the leading group. Lily seemed distracted, but I knew she wouldn’t flinch from speaking up if she needed me, so I left her to her thoughts and hung back as they sent off, dropping back down the column.

               Of those I had been hoping to see, Cedar was the closest to the front, her normal group of females around her. Tinker, Ash’s mother, took the time to stroke my hand as I fell into pace with them. She looked tired; the determined journey after their extended imprisonment was taking its toll, and on top of her pregnancy, it wasn’t surprising that her head was drooping, her steps stiff. I combed my fingers through the fur on her shoulder, trying to impart some strength in the gesture.

               “Alright?” I asked the group at large.

               There were huffs from many of the apes.

               “You think more soldiers come?” Cedar signed as she walked. I noticed the others look around, waiting for my answer.

               I shook my head. “I don’t think so,” I said. “Most of them are dead. If any of the ones that survived were going to follow us, they would have been here by now.”

               The apes exchanged glances, some looking more convinced than others.

               “I’ll see about setting a lookout at the back. Then if they do come, we’ll be warned.”

               There were more nods at that, soft vocalisations between individuals, chuffs and snorts of reassurance.

               “Thank you,” Cedar signed and I nodded at her, slowing my pace to drop further back along the column. Lily’s words stayed with me as I did, how she’d said the apes needed me, relied on me. She was wrong, of course. If I hadn’t been here, Cedar would just have approached Caesar or Rocket with their concerns.

               I considered her thoughts as more apes overtook me. Even with my nightly vigils, I hadn’t considered the logistics of the possibility of being followed. I had no idea how far we had travelled, but the weather was noticeably warmer; there was no sign of the snow down here, so it couldn’t be an insignificant distance. The landscape was different here too, the forested mountains gone, replaced by wide, dusty plains, occasional lakes, smaller pockets of hills. Our south-westerly path had taken us out of the California that I knew, possibly into Nevada or even Arizona. But whatever the distance, the passage of so many apes would undoubtedly have left signs for someone to follow, if they did want to do so. The sandy dunes we had crossed over might create a break in our trail, wind smoothing out our tracks, but the rest of the terrain hadn’t been so forgiving. The initial snow, transitioning through mud to stone, would have left a clear path, and that didn’t account for the apes stripping vegetation as we passed, digging for roots each morning and evening. Someone who was determined enough would be able to follow us. While we were still moving, we might keep ahead of them, but once we reached our destination, it would allow them to catch up. It wouldn’t hurt to set a watch behind us, maybe even have a couple of scouts ranging out, but it would become even more important once we stopped. Of course, the more time passed, the more the signs of our passage would be erased. And what would we do if General Prescott’s men did turn out to be following us? We didn’t have a single gun amongst us.

               Something touched my arm and I jumped, my heart pounding as I spun around. Lake stood there, Oren clutched in one arm. I let out a breathy laugh at my own reaction.

               “Sorry, I was miles away,” I said.

               Oren looked up at my voice, but his eyes were dull and uninterested. My heart, still galloping at twice its usual pace, gave a pang. I held out my arms in a silent offer. Lake passed him over gratefully.

               “Mother?” Oren signed, as he twisted around in my grip to look up at me.

               “She’s not here, Oren. I’m sorry.”

               He dropped his head onto my shoulder, supremely disinterested in anything else.

               I grimaced. I’d hoped that he might start talking soon, now that Cornelius was exploring a few words, but it seemed unlikely whilst he was in this state.

               “How long travel?” Lake signed, now that she had both her hands back.

               “A couple more days, Rocket says,” I answered.

               She nodded, but her face was drawn inwards, her eyes cast down.

               “What is it?

               “Think… ones… not here.”

               My own expression fell to mirror hers. It wasn’t just Jasmine either. There were so many others that we had left behind. Luca, Blue Eyes and Cornelia, Ash. Even Koba flitted through my thoughts, adding his name to the list.

               I reached out, grasping Lake’s hand. “I know.”

               We walked together in silence, remembering those who no longer walked with us.

.

.

By the time the sun began to sink on our right-hand side, I’d made my way right to the back of the column, answering questions and offering encouragement wherever I could. I pressed on as the apes slowed, some heading off to forage for water and edible plants, and returned to the head of the column. Those who travelled on horseback were dismounted by the time I reached them, Lily, Maurice, and Nova, bent over a small pile of twigs, starting a fire.

               I approached Rocket and Caesar, passing on Cedar’s concerns, which had been echoed more than once among the other apes, and my idea to set a lookout on our tail, and the need to maintain a watch once we’d arrived at our destination. Caesar nodded without comment. Pain was starting to show in his expression and the permanent slump of his shoulders. In his silence, Rocket promised to organise it.

               Satisfied, I left them in peace, moving over to Lily, who was now staring into the flames she and Maurice had coaxed to life. Before I had a chance to sit down beside her, she stood up, taking my hand and pulling me off to the side.

               “What is it?” I asked.

               She dropped my hand, moving on a few more paces before turning back. She wouldn’t meet my gaze, staring at the ground instead.

               “Lily?” My voice was tight.

               “I’m sorry,” she signed.

               “What? Why?” I was worried now. Lily rarely signed when it was just us two; there was no point.

               “I love you.”

               I stepped towards her, but she back off, shaking her head. A tear slipped from her eye, trickling down her face. “Lily, what is it? What’s happened?”

               She was really crying now, tears falling thick and fast, but she gasped, trying to control herself. She swallowed and opened her mouth.

               For a few seconds, I thought she was simply still too overcome with emotion, as no words came out of her open mouth. Then I heard it, across the space between us. That terrible grasping, rasping, choking noise. My heart stopped.

               Lily covered her face with her hands, weeping freely.

               My heart must have started again, because my pulse was all I could hear, all I could feel. My breaths had paused, my eyes glazed over, my hands limp and still. I was colder than when I had been buried under the avalanche.

               “No.” The breath ghosts between my lips, barely formed into the word, dissipating before it’s truly there.

               Lily drops one of her hands to her chest, moving in circles, like she was in pain. Then I realised she was still signing. Sorry, over and over.

               “No!” I stepped forwards, gripping her shoulders, ducking to try and see her down-turned face. “I’m sorry, Lily, I’m so sorry, this is all my fault.”

               She looked up at that, shaking her head, sniffing and wiping at her eyes. She raised her hands to protest, but I grabbed them, silencing her.

               “I love you.”

               Her face crumpled again, and she leaned into my chest with renewed sobs.

               “It’ll be okay,” I whispered to the gathering evening, holding her close, even as my own eyes began to prickle, my nose stinging with the oncoming tears. “It’ll be okay.”

               I would make it okay, whatever I took. My blood had stopped John getting sick – it could save Lily too. My chest tightening with determination, but then the feeling slipped away. I didn’t have any equipment, or any of the knowledge to do a blood transfusion, and even if I did, would it even work? Could whatever was in my blood cure, as well as prevent? It was irrelevant either way, because once again, just like with Caesar’s wound, I couldn’t fix it. I wasn’t enough.

Chapter Text

What a shame, what a shame,

to judge a life that you can't change.

The choir sings, the church bells ring,

so won't you give this man his wings?

What A Shame – Shinedown

.

.

Lily didn’t want to tell the apes about her catching the new virus yet, and I was happy to go along with that. They would find out eventually, and it didn’t make much difference to them anyway for the moment. Besides, there was something else already hanging over us.

               We’d been walking for about an hour the next day, Lily’s hand clutched in mine, Cornelius riding on my shoulder as he used to when he was little, when Rocket pulled his horse to a halt ahead of us. His head was up, eyes scanning the top of the ridge we were climbing. There was a single scraggly tree poking over the top, breaking the line of the ridge, and the slopes on either side of us had been growing steadily greener over the past day, more and more trees taking firm root all around.

               Rocket expanded his chest, letting out a pant-hoot, the build-up climbing to a series of hoots that made me wince with their volume, standing so close to him. Behind us, the rest of the apes began to chatter and hoot in return. Urging his horse off to the side, Rocket swung down from its back, racing up the rest of the slope on his knuckles. The rest of the column of apes broke, racing after him, tiredness forgotten in their eagerness. Lily and I were swept along with them, Cornelius leaping from my shoulder, leaving us both behind.

               At the top of the ridge, I released Lily’s hand, jumping up to the top of a boulder at the side of the trail in one stride and gazing out at the view before me.

               A large lake rippled blue and silver in the sunshine at the bottom of the basin, surrounded by rocky slopes, scrubby pine trees crawling over them. There was water and wood and rock, and I could see larger trees off on the western shores, as well as crags and crevices in the landscape that could be used as part of planned structures. It was sheltered and protected and private. It was perfect. It was beautiful.

               From atop my boulder, I turned, looking back down the slope. The tide of oncoming apes was slowing now, most already streaming past me and down into the valley. At the side of the path, Caesar sat on his horse, watching them pass. Maurice had stayed with him. My chest clenched. Caesar had said he would make it here, to see his family in their new home, and he had. Would he be able to hang on a little longer? Would we be able to have just a few more days? He looked up, as if he’d heard my thoughts, and in his smile, I saw the answer. There would be nothing more. His time was up.

               Slowly, he dismounted, making his way up the slope with Maurice by his side. The slight incline that Lily and I had charged up so easily looked like an epic climb under his dragging feet, but he made it, staggering over to the trunk of the single stunted tree and sitting down heavily at its base.

               Jumping down from my elevated perch, I walked over, each step draining the joy from my heart. The sunlight, the lake, the valley, none of it seemed quite as bright as I stood before Caesar. He was breathing hard but managed a smile. I leant forwards and kissed him softly on the cheek, pressing my face to his.

                “I’ll never forget you, Caesar. No one will, I promise. Say hi to Blue Eyes for me.”

               I pulled away, touching his face one last time as Maurice came to sit beside his friend. Stepping away, I turned back to the valley, though it was now blurry to my eyes, giving them some privacy.

               When I turned back around, Caesar had slumped sideways to lie on the rock, his eyes closed, his powerful, energetic body still.

               He was gone.

Chapter Text

I’m not strong enough to stay away,

Can’t run from you, I just run back to you.

Like a moth, I’m drawn into your flame,

Say my name, but it’s not the same.

You look in my eyes, I’m stripped of my pride,

And my soul surrenders and you bring my heart to its knees.

Not Strong Enough – Apocalyptica ft. Brent Smith

.

.

Two weeks after we had arrived at the lake, I climbed up to the single stunted tree that had been our first glimpse of the place, and sat down in the late afternoon sunshine. Shielding my eyes, I looked out across the valley, the view so very different from how it had been when we had first arrived.

               Everywhere I looked, I could see pockets of activity. A group of youngsters was playing on the slope below me, hiding between rocks and jumping out at each other. Further down, at the shoreline, several apes were testing out a raft made of logs lashed together using their own branches. As I watched, they pushed off from the shore, three of them hopping up onto the wooden platform. It drifted steadily further out onto the lake but within seconds the apes were trying to move around and had unbalanced themselves, two out of the three tumbling into the water. I grinned as they splashed back to shore through the shallows, hooting their discomfort.

               Reaching out, I lay a hand on the rock beside me. “Hey, Caesar,” I murmured.

               He was buried right there, only feet away from where he had died. Everyone had a hand in the burial, the apes filing past silently, each taking a handful of loose earth and dropping it down onto his body. Maurice and Rocket had brought up the end of the line, piling the rest of the earth onto the grave, and setting a large flat stone atop it.

               I’d never been religious, or believed in an afterlife, but that hadn’t stopped me from coming to sit here and talking to Caesar. This afternoon, I didn’t feel like saying much, so I just sat, going over everything in my head. Overall, the apes were doing pretty well. The local coyote population had learnt to give this basin a wide berth after a couple of scuffles, but without serious injury on either side. The trees on the western banks of the lake were riddled with nests balanced in the forks of branches, and mirrored by the larger nests of the gorillas on the ground beneath. Lily and I had commandeered a spot under an overhang of rock. The ground was rough and stony, and all the undergrowth was sharp and thorny, so it wasn’t the most comfortable place to sleep, but it was dry. Something to make a softer surface was just one of the many supplies on a list that I had been compiling in my head over the last two weeks. Because I had a mission.

               The first goal would be to find signs of human civilisation. We had crossed a couple of highways on the way here, but the closest had been three days away. I wanted something nearer. I would strike out in other directions, and see if I could find any other roads. I could then follow them to whatever towns or cities might be nearby. It would have been helpful if we had a map to show where exactly we were, but we didn’t. That was one of the things I would try and get. Like everything on the list, however, it would be a case of taking whatever I could find.

               Tools would be useful, I could foresee a lot of construction going on here. I would also keep an eye out for any canned or dried food that was still around. The apes were far better foragers than Lily and me, and all shared their spoils, but that didn’t stop me missing other food. I was toying with the idea of planting some vegetables, as I’d done at the gas station north of San Francisco. It would be good if we would actively cultivate a source of food, rather than just stripping the countryside bare.

               The other major item on my list was weapons. A fainter hope, given that guns had become more valuable than food at one point after the initial spread of the virus, but I was uneasy with the knowledge that the troop was relatively unarmed. True, any of the apes would far outmatch a human in terms of strength when it came to close fighting, but if an enemy with guns turned up, we would be at a significant disadvantage. After my experiment with the nitroglycerine, I wouldn’t have objected to having some explosives on hand either, but I didn’t even know where to look for that. You didn’t exactly walk into Walmart and asked for three cases of dynamite. Still, it was quite a long list to be getting on with, even if I doubted that I would find most of the things on it.

               Tomorrow, I would begin to head out and search. The apes were secure in their location here, and could do without me for a few days. Yesterday had been the last of the patrols that were sent out to look for any signs of the soldiers following us. Like all the others before, they’d found nothing, and Rocket and I had decided it had been long enough. It was time to start looking forwards, not behind. That didn’t mean we were completely lax about security now though. I turned, shielding my eyes as I looked up to the peak of the hill to my left. I could see the silhouette of the lookout stationed up there, keeping watch over the northern horizon behind me. Satisfied, I turned back towards the valley.

               “It’s going to be a big day,” I said. So much to do. But for once, I had time to do it in. The future stretched away in front of me. “It’s going to be okay. We’re going to be okay.” I stared at the ripples on the distant water, not seeing it at all. “It’s not the same without you.” I heaved a sigh and got to my feet, brushing off my hands. For another moment, I stood there, looking down at the rock where Caesar had died. Then I turned and walked away, descending towards where the young apes were still playing at their game. They would never be forgotten, Caesar, Blue Eyes, all those we had lost, but that didn’t lessen the sting of their absence.

               I was halfway down towards the playing youngsters before Cornelius spotted me, jumping up on top of the closest boulder and giving a call that sounded like he was laughing, bobbing up and down as he invited me to play. I hadn’t even realised he was one of the ones down there. Grinning, I changed direction to head towards him, already throwing off my melancholy. The game started as ‘tag’, but quickly became a conspiracy in which it seemed to be ‘apes vs Jac’, the little ones screeching with delight as they raced around together, leaving me desperately trying to catch just one of them. Young though they were, they were already faster than I was, and although I currently had the advantage of having longer arms, I didn’t think that would last for much longer.

               Eventually, completely worn out, I threw up my hands in exasperation and flopped down onto a rock, waving them away to continue playing, albeit without their favourite victim, while I caught my breath. Cornelius abandoned his friends in favour of coming to sit beside me, snuggling into my lap. I gave him a kiss in between panting breaths, stroking my fingers absently through his fur. All he’d been through, losing his whole family, all I could hope was that things might finally begin to settle for him now, and he could enjoy what was left of his childhood.

               So of course, that was when it all changed.

               The alarm call was like a scream, so much so that I looked around for Lily before realising what the noise actually was. Then I was on my feet, Cornelius whimpering on the ground, cowering behind my legs as I turned, looking back up the slope to the top of the ridge. The ape on lookout was upright, one arm pointing out to the north. They screamed again, a short, sharp sound.

               “Stay here!” I urged Cornelius, pressing down on his shoulder as if I could physically fix him in place. He continued to chitter anxiously as I turned away, racing up the slope towards Caesar’s tree. All around me, other apes were stopping their activities, all looking up. Some, like me, were racing to assess the danger themselves, others were retreating, chivvying each other to hiding places.

               A third alarm call made me speed up, barely aware of what my feet were doing. I was sure that at any moment I would twist an ankle, or stumble on a stone, but somehow I kept my balance. Some of the other apes had already reached the ridgeline ahead of me, ranging out across the summit, hooting nervously to each other. I slowed to avoid ploughing into them, worming my way through to the front.

               At first, I saw nothing. That in itself was a relief to me. A large force attacking would be hard to conceal. It must be a smaller group, sneaking in. But they had been seen, we were warned, the advantage of the element of surprise destroyed.

               My eyes were drawn to movement and I blinked, taking another half step forwards as I squinted. The lone figure wasn’t hiding at all, but walking boldly across open ground. Their hands hung empty at their sides. They glanced up and despite the distance between us, despite how different they looked out here, despite knowing that it couldn’t be true, I recognised them.

               I would have recognised him anywhere.

               My knees buckled and I sat down, not feeling the rocks and sand under my fingers. It couldn’t be true. And yet there he was, walking inexorably towards me. Towards us. The sounds of the apes behind me came back all at once, and I was no longer alone. It wasn’t just about me, not even about me and him. There was more to consider.

               I heard a disturbance behind me, the shifting of many bodies, and then Maurice’s distinctive gurgling call approaching. I was back on my feet in an instant. Because even if it wasn’t just about me and him, I couldn’t let him go, couldn’t stand aside and let Maurice or Rocket or anyone else make a decision – the only, horrible, inevitable decision – without going to him first. I had to see him, had to talk to him.

               I was halfway down the slope before Maurice reached the top of the ridge. I heard his rumbling call, the vocalisation full of anxiety and fear, but I did not turn back. My eyes were fixed ahead, on the man climbing to meet me. The noises of the apes diminished until there was nothing but the sound of my feet crunching on the ground. Then I could hear his feet as well, could hear his breaths, could see his face, worn and tired and thin, but alive and present and real.

               “John…” I couldn’t find any other words to say. Nothing would be able to encompass everything inside me.

               “Jac.” He looked awful, his face drawn, dark shadows under his eyes, but the blue eyes themselves were bright and fierce.

               “What are you doing here?” There was wonderment in my tone, more than accusation.

               “You asked me to come with you. I guess I’m just checking if that still stands.”

               I blinked. It was true. In the middle of everything, on the cusp of losing him forever, I’d asked him to come with me. And he had turned away.

               “You didn’t though. You left.”

               John looked aside, some of the light fading from his eyes, leaving them haunted.

               “What happened?” I asked, drawing his eyes back to me, gratified when they lost their horror.

               “You can ask Caesar that.”

               “I’m asking you.”

               John’s jaw clenched. “The Colonel had the new infection.”

               I looked at him. Last time we’d spoken it had been ‘my father’. Now it was ‘the Colonel’.

               “Caesar was there. Gone to get his revenge or whatever.” The words were harsh and brutal, but clipped too, dispassionate, as if it had happened to someone else. “He didn’t do it though. He walked away. He… the Colonel… he shot himself.”

               “I’m sorry, John.”

               He paused, letting the words hand between us, then nodded. “Caesar, he… I…”

               “You let him go.”

               He looked up at me. “He told you.”

               I nodded.

               “What now?”

               My heart twisted. “That’s not up to me.”

               “Right.” He lifted his gaze, looking over my head.

               I turned, following his gaze. The apes were still ranged along the ridge, skittering nervously back and forth. Maurice and Rocket were a few steps ahead of the rest of them and as I watched, Lily pushed her way through the group. At the sight of John, she stopped dead, her mouth dropping.

               “How did you survive?” I asked, turning back to him.

               “I was still inside when the avalanche came down. The building was damaged, but it survived. There were ration packets in the kitchen. I dug my way out. Took a while, I don’t know how long. It was very dark.”

               The last four words were quiet, and I shuddered. I could imagine just how dark it must have been. How many hours, how many days must he have been trapped?

               “Were there any others? Is anyone else here?”

               He shook his head again. “There were three others, at the start. One of them couldn’t handle it. He didn’t make it out. The other two went after Prescott.”

               My stomach clenched. “They know you came here?”

               He shook his head. “I didn’t know what I was going to do, just that I wasn’t going with them. I told them to tell everyone that I’d died. They’re good guys, they will. Took a while before I found signs of where you had gone. Then took a while longer to decide what to do about it.”

               “And what did you decide?”

               John spread his hands. “I’m here, aren’t I?”

               “Why?”

               “You know why.”

               Another twist of my stomach. “John, it’s not just me,” I said, trying to make him understand. “I have to think about them too.”

               “You said they’re not my enemy. I’m willing to prove that can be mutual.”

               I looked at him. “Do you mean that? Really?”

               He looked up at the apes again and, not for the first time, I wondered what he saw when he looked at them. Was the answer to that question different now?

               “I do,” he said.

               I met his eyes. He didn’t look away.

               Something in my chest twisted painfully. Would he be here if he knew the truth – the whole truth? I glanced back over my shoulder. Above us, Lily had taken several steps forwards, to stand with Rocket and Maurice. She looked worried.

               I was torn. There was no point going and explaining what was going on to the apes without letting them decide whether or not John could stay, it would be cruel to hang that possibility over their heads without allowing them to discuss it. But equally, I didn’t want to go through the process of trying to persuade the apes to give him a chance when he might want to walk away, or worse, once he knew the whole story. And I had to tell him. I had to.

               I tried to think about it logically. The easiest thing would be to avoid one of the decisions, so which one was more likely to fail? I thought there was a slim chance that the apes could allow John a chance to join them, but when I imagined telling John everything, all my secrets laid bare, I couldn’t picture him accepting it. I had to talk to him first.

               “Hang on,” I said to John, then looked back up at the apes. “Need talk with him,” I signed, making the movements as broad and clear as possible, to be visible over the distance between us. “Wait. Please. I be quick.”

               “Dangerous?” Maurice signed.

               “I think no.”

               Lily looked more worried than ever, but none of them objected. The crowd of apes, already restless, was boiling with movement, all of them having seen my signs. I turned away, back to John.

               “We need to talk. First.”

               “About what?”

               “The truth.”

               His eyes tightened, a reservation entering his gaze. “Okay.”

               “When…” I didn’t want to bring up his father’s death again, and rephrased my words. “When you were inside the compound at the end, when you let Caesar go, there was an explosion.”

               John nodded slowly. “I remember.”

               “That was me.”

               His face scrunched in confusion but he didn’t say anything.

               “I made a bottle of nitroglycerine in the lab. I tried to do TNT as well, but that didn’t work. Whatever.” I was getting side-tracked, stumbling over the words that I didn’t want to say, but that I had to. “That’s what I was doing in the lab. I wasn’t trying to find a cure. I was making explosives to help the apes escape.”

               John blinked. “But what about the blood samples? And all that other stuff? The microscopes and…” He tailed off as I shook my head.

               “That was just cover,” I said, “to convince you that I was trying to find a cure.” There was also the antibodies that I’d found, in his blood and mine, but I didn’t want to get sidetracked with that now.

               John looked away, staring out at the vista for several seconds. Then he snorted slightly, just a huff of air out of his nose. “Rick was right. He kept on saying that you were lying.”

               “He said that he told you not to trust me.” The words were barely a whisper. I could still hear Rick snarling them at me, see the expression on his face.

               “He was there?”

               I nodded.

               “What happened then?” His voice was grim, almost angry and though I’d known the emotion was inevitable, it still sent a stab of pain through my chest.

               “I…” Why had I been so cruel, so vindictive? Maybe I could lie, not tell John what I’d said next? But no, I owed him some honesty at last.

               “I said that he should have remembered that I was a chemist before you let me in the lab,” I said, my eyes closed as I bit the words out.

               John snorted again, but it sounded lighter than the last one. “I bet he loved that.”

               “He tried to shoot me.”

               “Tried?”

               He was looking at me again, I could see his face at the edge of my vision, but I couldn’t meet his gaze.

               “Denny was in between us. He… died.”

               “And Rick?”

               “He was alive when I… got away, but with the avalanche…”

               I risked a glance up in time to see John’s face twist.

               “I’m sorry.”

               He shook his head. “I knew… realistically…”

               I waited, but as the pain dissipated from his expression, it left nothing but a gentle sadness.

               “Why aren’t you angry?” My voice was louder now, as if the emotion had infected me instead of him. I thought I’d heard it in his voice earlier, but it wasn’t there now. “I betrayed you. Lied to you.”

               John looked at me. “What do you know about me?”

               “What?”

               “And I mean deep stuff, not just the colour of my eyes or anything like that. Be serious.”

               “What’s that got to do with anything?” I was completely thrown.

               “Humour me.”

               I frowned, but fell silent, staring at him. What did I know about him, really? Deep stuff. The first image that came to mind was the one of him in the lab, leaning on the bench, his head hanging down as he faced the possibility that he might have to stand against his father. Then it was the story of how his whole unit had been infected with the new virus. And the memory of when we’d gone searching for the apes together, right after we’d met, the other soldiers ranged around us.

               “I know that whatever you’re doing, you give it everything you have. And that you won’t ask anyone else to do anything that you wouldn’t do. I know you’re loyal, and when you’re torn between two sides it rips you apart.”

               John tilted his head. “Okay, that’s… embarrassingly accurate. But see, I know you too. I know that you will do anything for people who are important to you. And if I believed that your priority was something other than the apes, that’s on me, not you.”

               My shoulders slumped, the inside of my chest melting.

               “And I know you feel guilty too, not just for the fact that you helped make this virus, but because you survived it. And so now you feel like you have to justify your presence everywhere, that you have to give more than you take. That’s why you pretended to join us in the first place, so that you could feed information back to the apes, so that you could feel useful.”

               My mouth was open as I stared at him. How did it feel to have your soul pulled from your body, to have to stare it in the eyes? I thought it would feel something like this.

               “That’s not true,” I said, but the words came out as a whisper.

               “Isn’t it? Aren’t you telling me all this because you think it will drive me away? Because you don’t believe that you deserve anything you want?”

               “That’s not why!” There was no whispering now, the words were loud and angry. “I’m telling you because I want to be honest! Because I want you to know what you’re getting into.”

               “Alright. I know. I’m still here.”

               I stared at him, the fierceness in his eyes, the set of his jaw. I know one more thing about you too, I thought. Slowly, I nodded.

               “Alright then. Wait here.” I turned away.

               “Wait.”

               I paused, turning back to John. He reached behind him and pulled a gun out from the back of his waistband, holding it out to me by the barrel.

               “You should take this,” he said.

               I blinked. He had been armed the whole time, could have killed me, could have shot one of the apes at any moment. I reached out, gripping the gun. It looked a lot like the one Denny had left for me in San Francisco, so long ago. Nodding, I turned and headed back up towards the apes, leaving him behind me.

               Maurice, Rocket, and Lily had been joined by Cedar and Lake. The rest of the crowd of apes went quieter as I approached, all of them watching me expectantly.

               “What he want?” Rocket huffed, as I reached them.

               “You alright?” Lily signed at the same time.

               I looked down, checking the gun to give myself time before I had to answer. The clip was full but the chamber was empty. Making sure the safety was on, I tucked it into the back of my pants.

               “He wants a chance. To join us,” I said, looking up at all of them.

               “No!” Rocket signed emphatically, without hesitation. “Kill him.”

               Maurice gave an undulating rumble that could have been either dissent or agreement, as I turned to look back down the slope. John wasn’t watching us, but staring off to the side, arms crossed.

               “Jac.”

               I looked back at them as Maurice said my name.

               “He soldier,” the orangutan signed.

               “He’s alone,” I pointed out.

               “Dangerous.”

               “He let Caesar go. Let him live.”

               “He say that but—”

               “Caesar told me,” I cut Rocket off. “Their stories match up. He’s telling the truth.”

               “You think he should stay,” Lake signed.

               I looked away. That was the problem. This was everything I’d wanted; John and the apes. To be able to have them both. But was it too good to be true?

               “It’s not about what I think,” I answered her.

               “What do you think?” Lily signed, her words awkward. She wasn’t as practised as the apes.

               I looked around the circle. They were all waiting to hear what I thought, to hear my opinion. Because they valued it. “I think he deserves a chance,” I said. “He says he wants to prove that he’s not our enemy. I think we should give him an opportunity to do so.”

               Rocket huffed dismissively, but Maurice was quiet, looking down the slope at John. The others, like me, sensed that he was on the verge of speaking, and waited.

               “I think,” he signed, “ ’what would Caesar do’?”

               We were all silent at that.

               “We don’t know what Caesar would have done,” I said quietly.

               “We can honour his legacy,” Maurice objected.

               “I think he should stay,” Lily signed. “Before, he saves me. He kind. He tries help.”

               “I agree,” Lake signed, surprising me. She made no arguments and offered no reasoning, but her eyes met mine.

               “Too risky,” Rocket cut in, sensing that he was losing.

               “He say he alone,” Cedar spoke aloud. “Can stop him, if he tries to hurt us.”

               “One life lost is one too many.”

               “Koba would have killed him,” Maurice signed.

               My jaw clenched. I had told Caesar, in the soldiers’ compound, that he was like Koba. Was that where Maurice was going with this?

               “Caesar would give him a chance,” he finished.

               Rocket looked around at us all, as if he couldn’t quite process what we were saying. His eyes settled on me.

               “Trust him?” he huffed

               I considered, not taking the question lightly. This was more than just if I would trust John with my life. It was about if I would trust him with their lives as well.

               I know you, he had said, and he’d proved that he did. And I knew him too.

               “Yes,” I answered Rocket. “I do.”

               Rocket huffed again then stood up and walked away. I blinked, surprised, but the others rose as well, as if that meant the matter was solved. They dispersed among the crowd, who congregated around them, seeking answers. Lily touched my arm gently, offering me a smile before slipping away.

               I turned around. John was looking up at me, his attention drawn by the movement. I waved him up and he began to climb towards me.

               “Jac.”

               I glanced over my shoulder. It was Cornelius, who had wormed his way through to the front of the group, and was now watching John approach, his teeth bared in nervous fear.

               “Bad man,” he signed.

               I shook my head. “No. Good man.”

               He didn’t respond to that, but his expression of fear didn’t fade, and he recoiled slightly as John stopped a few feet away from me. His eyes flicked from me to the young ape.

               “Do you recognise him?” I asked.

               “Is he the same one as before, who was on your lap?”

               It sounded like a guess, but I nodded anyway.

               “This is Cornelius. He’s Caesar’s second son.”

               John’s eyes widened. “Christ.”

               I nodded, glad that he understood the implications.

               “Where is Caesar?”

               I looked down. He’d noticed his absence from our little council session. “Caesar’s dead,” I said. “He died the day we arrived here.”

               John’s mouth opened but nothing came out, his eyes wide with shock. “I’m sorry,” he said, after several seconds.

               I nodded, looking back at Cornelius, who was still eyeing John warily.

               “He’s still scared of me,” he observed.

               “He’ll get used to you.”

               John’s eyes snapped back to me. “Really?”

               I nodded.

               He let out a big breath, shaking his head as if he couldn’t quite believe it.

               “I’m not giving the gun back to you though,” I warned him. The others had made no mention of the gun, but they didn’t need to.

               “I wasn’t going to ask you to. It’s yours anyway.”

               “Mine?”

               He nodded.

               I gaped at him. I’d thought that it was similar to the one I’d had, but I hadn’t realised it was the same one. I hadn’t seen it since I’d gone from the soldiers’ guide and advisor to their prisoner. But that meant…

               “You kept it all this time?”

               “Yes.”

               “Why?

               His head tilted to the side slightly and he smiled. “You know why.”

               He was right. I did know. I took a step forwards, closing the distance between us. His eyes met mine, inches between us as he lowered his head a little. My hands were on his shoulders, his on my waist, and our lips met.

               The last time we’d kissed, it had been a parting, a goodbye. It had been the end.

               This was a beginning, our beginning, and I dove into it hungrily.

               Cornelius made a disgusted noise behind me and we broke apart. I looked back in time to see him turn and scamper away.

               I laughed at his reaction, then took John’s hand, tugging him forwards. “You’d better come meet the rest of them,” I said, and led him forwards, towards our future.