Work Text:
i.
the first time i met you
The first time they met, Jinyoung was at five feet and a half, body too long to be dangling from the monkey bars at the small village park facing the new house on their block. He was ten, and unsuspecting— big, hazel brown eyes blinking curiously at the truck unloading boxes right in front of him. He sees a woman come out of the car parked in front of the moving truck, a woman too old to not be married yet too young to have a child already in college. He bites down on his lips and hopes for a sign — please bring out a bike, or a sports car-shaped bed, or a dog! A dog would be nice.
But the movers bring out a grand piano, and a little boy following suit in a cute blue sailor outfit like the one he has at home.
The first time they met, Daehwi was the first to see him— surprised, uneven eyes looking straight into Jinyoung’s own, forehead creased into a confusion at the boy hanging upside down on the monkey bar while staring at him intently. Daehwi hesitantly waves at him, catching the boy off-guard who immediately scrambles to get down from where he was hanging.
Daehwi takes two steps forward, and another three, and another four until he’s across the road and in front of the boy. His eyes are big, and brown, but his face is as small as a bean. The kid’s face is flushed, like he had just went for a run. He pulls out a hand and gives him the warm smile his mother reminded him to give when meeting new people.
“Hi, my name is Daehwi.”
He expects him to take it, give it a shake, and tell him his name as well. What he doesn’t expect is a woman’s voice calling out a name from his right, and the boy immediately running towards the owner of the voice and hiding behind her back.
“Jinyoung, what did I tell you about running away when kids want to play with you?” The woman lets out a small laugh, before turning towards Daehwi. “I’m sorry, he’s really shy.”
“Daehwi?” he hears his mother call out from behind him, and sees her walk towards their direction as well.
“Oh, are you our new neighbors?” The woman asks, “We live two blocks away from you,” she adds on, pointing at the small one-storey house with a blue roof.
“You’ve already made a friend?” Daehwi hears his mother wonder as she reaches him, a protective hand hovering on his shoulder.
“I think he’s scared of me,” Daehwi tells her, but he sees Jinyoung shake his head from behind his mother’s skirt.
“Now, Jinyoung, how are you gonna make friends if you hide behind me all the time? Go on and introduce yourself,” the woman gives him an encouraging pat in the back before gently pushing him towards Daehwi.
This time, Jinyoung doesn’t protest. His head is still looking down, little fingers fidgeting and the cute stammering that’s making Daehwi impatient.
“Hurry up, I just wanna know your name.”
“Daehwi!” His mother scolds him, but the other woman just laughs at Daehwi’s small, commanding voice.
“I’m-I’m Jinyoung. Bae Jinyoung—” he yelps in surprise when he feels warmth on his left hand, and sees Daehwi’s bright toothy grin in such close proximity.
Daehwi squeezes Jinyoung’s hand before shaking it, “Hi, Jinyoung. I’m Lee Daehwi. I hope we can be good friends.”
“I...I hope so too,” Jinyoung whispers but that’s good enough for him. Daehwi smiles even more.
“Do you wanna come over? My mom made brownies!” Daehwi asks him, before turning to his mom. “Jinyoung can come over, right?”
“If Jinyoung’s mom agrees, then why not?”
Jinyoung then turns to his mom, who gives him a bright smile. “I don’t see why not. Just be back before supper time, okay?”
“Yey!” Daehwi jumps excitedly, left hand still on Jinyoung’s right. “Let’s go!”
Jinyoung nods, ears in a pretty shade of crimson, as he lets Daehwi pull him towards his house. Daehwi’s little hand fits his own just fine, his palm warm like a fresh cup of hot milk but Jinyoung likes it just fine.
“You’re my first friend here, Jinyoung,” Daehwi tells him proudly as he opens the door and steps inside.
“You’re my first friend…ever,” Jinyoung shyly admits as he follows where Daehwi had squat down on the living room carpeted floor.
Daehwi blinks at him in surprise, “Really?” Jinyoung nods. “Then you must be really happy you met me,” he jokes but Jinyoung nods again.
“I am.” Daehwi smiles.
“I like you already, Jinyoung,” He gives him the toothy grin again, his smile constantly bright like he’s never had sad days in his life. “I feel like we’re gonna be great friends for a long time.” He brings out his pinky for Jinyoung to see and locks it with the unsuspecting latter. “Let’s be friends for a long time, okay? Pinky swear!”
“P-pinky swear.”
Daehwi’s smile widens. “Yey! Do you want some brownies now?”
(Jinyoung finds out later that Daehwi is nine, but is in the same grade as him, that he plays the piano and is gonna go to the same school as him this Spring. He finds out about his family, his dad having died back when he was still three, and his mom working two shifts 24/7 to make ends meet. He learns about his favorite color, how he likes his eggs cooked in the morning and what he thinks is the perfect weather for a perfect day.
The first time Jinyoung meets Daehwi, he’s ten and learns about his favorite color but not about how this boy would mean the world to him later on.
Jinyoung does keep his promise, though. They remain friends, for years and years until he could no longer bear to keep being simply
just that.
)
ii.
the first time something’s different
The first time something didn’t feel the same as it used to be, Daehwi’s sleeping over, and it’s ten minutes before Jinyoung’s sixteen birthday. They’re sprawled on Jinyoung’s lumpy mattress, with Daehwi trying to read and find any interest in Jinyoung’s Marvel comics collection scattered all around his room while his head lies on Jinyoung’s lap, and the latter trying to focus on studying for their English test the next day.
But his head is not comprehending active and passive tenses at the moment, and for some reason all his thoughts just end up going back to the living, breathing warm entity complaining about the Avengers and invading his personal space as of the moment.
“Captain America sucks,” Daehwi announces as he closes the comic book and sets it down. His head is on Jinyoung’s lap, the English textbook covering more than half of his face but he can still see his eyes. When he catches Jinyoung’s eyes looking down at him for a brief moment, he giggles. “Why are you studying so hard? It’s just a short quiz.”
“Well, I’m not the one who lived in LA for ten years now, am I?” Jinyoung rolls his eyes before pushing Daehwi’s head off him. The latter complains but complies anyway, and scoots over. “Daehwi please, I don’t wanna flunk.”
“You can always copy off from me, you know that right?”
Jinyoung gives him a look, “I have my morals, thank you.”
“Oh wow, we love an honest man,” Daehwi cackles before moving closer to sit next to him and lays his head on Jinyoung’s shoulder. “What do you wanna do tomorrow?”
“Survive the English quiz.” Daehwi hits him on the arm. “Ouch, that actually hurt?”
“Be serious. What do you wanna do? How should we celebrate your big day? Do you want a sweet sixteen party?” Daehwi jokes.
“Anything’s fine, really.”
Daehwi gets up and faces him. “Jinyoung!”
“What? I’m serious. Look, anything is fine as long as it’s with you—” Jinyoung’s words cut off short for a moment when he looks up to see Daehwi’s face.
The lighting in his room is a little dim, a soft orange glow complimenting Daehwi’s brown eyes just fine. His bed hair looks like it had been swept by the wind and his features look soft illuminated by the ambient lighting. Jinyoung has seen him in this room before, in this lighting, in this angle, but there’s something new that he’s only feeling now seeing him in this light. Something in between a sting and a burn, something he definitely hasn’t felt before.
He looks up to Daehwi whose lips are in a pout. “If you said that to a girl, she would’ve definitely blushed all the way to the tips of her ears, but since it’s just me, it’s just another reminder that I’m your only friend.”
“I don’t like girls, though,” Jinyoung confesses before closing his textbook and setting it down on his bedside table. He lies down on his bed and closes his eyes.
“What the? So you’re just gonna reveal that to me and then sleep on me?” Daehwi scoffs in disbelief. “Scoot over. I wanna lie down too.”
Jinyoung moves to give Daehwi space and turns to his left facing him. Daehwi’s forehead is creased and his eyebrows are furrowed.
“Since when did you realize?”
“Hm, not that long ago.”
“And you didn’t tell me immediately?” Daehwi pouts in disappointment. “I literally called you at 3am in the morning the moment I had come into realization.”
Jinyoung shrugs, “I only accepted it recently.”
“Well, I’m just glad you told me,” Daehwi tells him. “After all, as your only friend, I feel like I should know so I’ll know who to set you up with.”
Jinyoung laughs, “You really like emphasizing that you’re my only friend, huh?”
“It gives me a little pride, but also makes me sad. Go out and make friends, my dude!”
Jinyoung gives him a smile before closing his eyes again. “Nah, can’t handle too much emotional attachments. You’re more than enough.”
“Well, I’m flattered but no. That’s it, we’re going to a party tomorrow, okay? I heard Park Jihoon, a senior in my club, is having one tomorrow. You need to widen your connections!”
Jinyoung rolls his eyes, to which Daehwi immediately replied with another hit on his arm. “Ouch, alright, alright. We’ll go.”
“Great. I’ll also see if I can find you a potential love interest,” Daehwi wiggles his eyebrows to which Jinyoung immediately snorts at.
“No thanks.”
“But why?”
“Then I won’t have time for you,” Jinyoung tells him honestly. “I like how things are now. Let’s not get boyfriends until we go to college.”
“Eh? Why do I have to stay single too?”
Jinyoung gives him a mock angry look to which Daehwi laughs at.
“Come on. Even if I get a boyfriend, I’ll always have time for you. Bros before hoes, remember?” Daehwi reminds him as he snuggles closer. He looks at his wristwatch. “One minute.”
“Promise?”
“Promise,” Daehwi assures him. “You can go look for a boyfriend too. I don’t mind honestly! Even if you, barf , flirt in front of me, it’s perfectly fine! Just make sure I’m the first to know who you like.”
“You’ll always be the first to know. Always,” and with that, Jinyoung closes his eyes again. Daehwi lifts his head up to look at him, and smile.
“12 midnight of the tenth of May. Happy birthday, best friend of six years and counting. I love you.”
It’s not like Daehwi hasn’t kissed him on the cheek before, but today feels weirdly different. The feeling of Daehwi’s lips on his cheek lingers long like a ghost, even when he has turned the lights off and Daehwi’s already sleeping soundly next to him. It’s a new feeling, like flying on the clouds and feeling as light as air, yet it gives a scary feeling like what if he falls down to the ground any minute without anything to catch him?
Jinyoung gives Daehwi one last glance before drifting off to sleep.
(The first time he realizes what the weird feeling on his chest meant, it’s through the hard way, and later than he should have. He realizes then why every passing thought is suddenly about him, and why the sight of him sends his heart beating like drums on a parade, and he realizes too late why there’s a weird sting when Daehwi tells him about the guy from the next class that he has his eye on, and why he cried on his room for hours after Daehwi had told him he might be in love for the very first time, and it’s not his name that he says right after.)
iii.
the first time you got your heart broken
The first time Daehwi gets his heart broken, they’re eighteen and it’s prom night.
Jinyoung’s used to getting his broken constantly ever since he realized he sees Daehwi as more than just a friend. It’s a feeling he’s gotten used to over time. He forces himself to not think of any underlying meaning whatsoever when Daehwi gets a bit too close, that all the kisses on the cheek and the tight hugs at night are merely friendly affection, yet he can’t help but bring himself to hope. Hope that maybe there’s something more to it than just platonic love. Hope that one day, Daehwi will see him as a man too.
That hope, however, gets crushed three days before the actual prom night when Daehwi runs up to him excitedly, his eyes beaming like stardust as he says the four words he was hoping not to hear just yet.
“I got a date.”
It doesn’t register the first time he hears it, so Jinyoung mumbles a quick, “What?”
“I got a date to prom!”
It feels like being hit by a truck and then thrown off a ledge. It feels like jumping down a plane but forgetting to pack a parachute. Jinyoung’s mouth contradicts what he’s feeling inside as he mutters a low, “I’m happy for you.” But with the way Daehwi had smiled when he had told him about who the guy was, and how he had liked him for a while now, and how his heart is just full of bliss at the moment, Jinyoung can’t help but let out a sad smile.
He is happy for him, no doubt about that, but the heart still aches and breaks for something it had hoped for and never reached. He tries to not think of the rose that’s gonna wither anytime soon inside his locker, or how the box of his favorite chocolates he had supposedly gotten for him will probably melt now. He’s used to this, so instead, he musters the courage to ask him if he has gotten his suit ready and when he’s gonna buy a corsage. Daehwi asks him if he’s found a date already, and Jinyoung lies through his teeth. “I’m still looking.”
He didn’t bother looking for anyone else though. He didn’t even bother going to prom, despite his mom nagging him about how it’s his last year and that he should make this the most memorable night of his life and not be a lazy bum lying on their living room couch and watching Game of Thrones reruns . He would much rather stay here than watch Daehwi slow dance with somebody else that isn’t him.
That is, until he gets a text from Daehwi himself.
Jinyoung, I need you.
Jinyoung doesn’t ask why. He never asks why. He just asks him where he is now, who’s with him, and when he’s gotten his answer, he wordlessly sprints out of his house and into the storm.
The first time Daehwi gets his heart broken, they’re eighteen and he’s shivering underneath the heavy pouring rain by the park where they first met, on prom night when he’s supposed to be in his favorite suit and smiling at the boy he likes.
But when Jinyoung gets to him, he’s crying so much his eyes have gone red. Jinyoung’s a few inches taller so he holds the umbrella over their heads and takes off his hoodie to give him even just the tiniest of warmth.
There’s a momentary pause for a while, with Daehwi’s sobbing mixing with the sound of the rain before he hears him whisper in between deep breaths, “He likes somebody else.
Jinyoung feels his heart sink. “I’m sorry.”
Daehwi’s cries get louder. “Jinyoung, I like him a lot. I really do,” his lips are quivering from both crying and from the cold. “Jinyoung, it hurts. It hurts so much.”
Jinyoung gives him a pained look. I know.
He knows the feeling too awfully well, but the number of times his heart got broken don’t compare to how much he feels shattered now watching Daehwi cry. He’s seen him cry before, when they watch tearjerking movies or when he talks about how he wishes he could’ve known his dad longer, but this is the first time he’s seen cry over a guy he likes, the first time he’s seen him cry this much. It’s a million times more painful than Daehwi not choosing him, and a billion times more than the realization that Daehwi might not love him back.
And it hits him like lightning. That he would much rather get his heart broken over and over again for as long as Daehwi’s is still intact. That Jinyoung, without a doubt, would be willing to give up his own happiness in exchange of keeping Daehwi smiling forever. He can’t bear to see him cry ever again.
“He made me feel special…so special. I thought we had something going there. Where did I go wrong? Where did I lack? Why not me? Why did he not choose me?”
Jinyoung cups Daehwi’s tear-strained face with both his palms. Even with the tears soaking his face, and the rain dripping from his hair, Lee Daehwi is still the most beautiful sight he has ever seen.
“What about me? Why did you not choose me?” He can see the confusion swimming in Daehwi’s eyes. Jinyoung gives him a pained smile. “You’re never lacking to me, Hwi. You’ll always be more than what I could ever ask for.”
“Jinyoung…"
“I’m sorry.”
The first time Daehwi gets his heart broken is also the first time they kiss, underneath the heavy pouring rain, at the park where they first met. Daehwi’s wearing his favorite suit, while Jinyoung’s still in his pajamas. His hands are on his face, while Daehwi’s are on top of his, and from the way they shake, he knows it’s not just because of the cold.
Daehwi’s lips taste of tears mixed with raindrops and strawberry chapstick.
“Why…”
“I like you. I’ve liked you for a while now.”
(The first time Daehwi gets his heart broken, Jinyoung also gets his shattered. Daehwi doesn’t look at him in the eye when he pushes him away and runs towards the direction of his house, when he leaves without a word, and without a goodbye, and when Jinyoung waits for him to look back and he doesn’t.
And that’s when Jinyoung realizes he’s walking on thin ice, and that his greatest fear is not losing the boy he likes, but losing the boy he’s been best friends with for years.)
iv.
the first time i said i love you.
The first time Jinyoung said ‘I love you’ to Daehwi was when they had a small fight back in sixth grade— Daehwi not choosing Jinyoung as his home economics partner since they both suck at cooking, and Jinyoung sulking and refusing to talk to him for 2 days. Jinyoung’s mom, however, forces him to knock on Daehwi’s door with the fresh batch of cookies he tried to bake under his mom’s supervision, and his mom glaring at him to say sorry and an “I love you” after a reconciliation hug.
The first time he said it, there was no deep meaning to it. Jinyoung even gagged afterwards and Daehwi stomped on his foot but gladly accepted the cookies anyway. The first time he did mean it, he says it in a voicemail he sends the night he kissed him under the rain along with the confession he’s been bottling up for two years and an apology for not being sorry at all that he kissed him that night.
Hi, it’s me. You’re probably wondering why I did it, and why then. I admit it wasn’t the best of timings, but I hope you’re not thinking I’m also just playing with your heart for kissing you right after another guy played with it first. It wasn’t a spur of the moment decision, and neither was it something accidental, and if you want me to say sorry, I’m sorry but I won’t.
I like you. More than just a friend, and definitely more than what you’re thinking of. Heck, ‘like’ might even be an understatement now. Since when? Two years ago, or probably way before that and I just never realized it until it was too late. You started seeing more people. It was no longer just Jinyoung and Daehwi. You’ve broaden your horizons and it felt like I’m slowly losing hold of you.
But I don’t blame you. I don’t have the right to hold you down from flying away from me.
I know I’m taking a risk. Worse comes to worst, I’ll probably end up not only losing the boy I like but also my bestfriend of eight years. I can’t afford to lose my bestfriend, but I also don’t think I can stand another day only being the bestfriend. Daehwi, it hurts each day knowing we could be something more but nothing’s happening because I’m not doing anything. Because I’m scared of losing you.
But something snapped inside me tonight. It’ll hurt to lose you, but it’ll hurt me even more to see you get your heart broken while I can’t do anything about it even when I’m there. It hurts knowing I would be willing to keep your heart safe forever if you give it to me, but I’m only standing at the sidelines watching it get shattered to the ground.
This is a risk. I know this is a risk, ‘cause anything can happen now, and tomorrow, and over time, and I might end up losing more than what I can bargain, but Lee Daehwi, I don’t think I’ll ever love anyone as much as I love you.
The first time Jinyoung says ‘I love you’ to him, it’s through a voicemail and he doesn’t realize he’s said it until it’s sent out and all he hears is the beep that comes afterwards. It’s the same beep he hears from the receiving end for three consecutive nights until he finally gets a call back, and pebbles being thrown at his bedroom window at three in the morning.
When he looks down to see who the culprit was, he’s locking eyes on a pair of his favorite shade of brown, of the one person that has been running on his mind all day. Jinyoung’s about to move out to meet him when he hears him say, “Don’t. Stay there,” voice cracking like he’s not used to talking.
“Daehwi.”
“Jinyoung,” Daehwi’s eyes are still on his. “Why are you only saying this now?”
When Jinyoung doesn’t respond, Daehwi continues.
“I’ve liked you before. I’ve liked you for the longest time. Why now? Why only now? When there’s only a few months left ‘til graduation, and we’re leaving for college. In different universities. In different cities. Why only now?” he sees his shoulders shake and even from the distance, Jinyoung can tell he’s about to cry. “When I thought there was no chance of ever getting you to see me, so I tried to forget. I tried to move on and live by the idea that you’ll only ever be my best friend. Nothing more and nothing less. And I thought I was finally okay. I’ve started liking other guys again, but then you kissed me, and I feel like everything just went down the drain.”
Daehwi’s crying now. His shoulders are shaking and his voice is slowly breaking.
“How can a person be this weak? How did one kiss dissolve all the years’ worth of trying to get over you? I can’t believe all it took was one single kiss and now I’m back to li—”
“I’m coming down.”
“Jinyoung, no. Stay there. Just let me get this off my chest and then everything can go back to the way they used to be.”
“Then say it to my face. Let me hear you say it to me in person,” Jinyoung tells him before hanging up and running down to meet him.
The early morning wind is cold and the fabric of his shirt is thin, yet he feels the warmth on the tips of his ears and the entirety of his chest, like heartburn but without pain.
Daehwi’s brown hair is windswept to the side and his eyes are red from crying, yet he still looks the most beautiful to him now basking underneath the moonlight.
“Now what did you want to tell me?
The first time Jinyoung said “I love you”, it’s through a voicemail and he doesn't hear it back. The first time he finally gets a response, Daehwi’s crying so much he’s having a hard time breathing, but Jinyoung hears it loud and clear.
“I love you. I love you so much that it scares me,” Daehwi lets out. “Jinyoung, I’m scared. The future is scary. It’s scary enough to not see you everyday anymore when I just limited myself to just being your friend, but now you have my whole heart at the palm of your hands miles away from me. Anything can happen. I don't wanna lose you. I can’t afford to lose you.”
Jinyoung wipes his tears using the back of his hand, “You’re not gonna lose me. I love you too much to ever let that happen. I’ll never leave you behind for as long as you promise to stay. Whatever happens, I’ll be here to stay if you stay. Do you believe in me?”
Daehwi nods, and Jinyoung gives his forehead a kiss. “I believe in you.”
“Do you still want everything to go back to the way they used to be?”
Daehwi cries harder, “No, I love you too much to be able to continue pretending that I only find you attractive as a friend.”
Jinyoung laughs, “And I love you too much to to be able to let your heart slip away again.”
(Jinyoung asks Daehwi to be his that night, to which Daehwi cries to even more, but they’re happy tears this time and makes Jinyoung’s heart swell in joy rather than tear it apart.
The first time Jinyoung said I love you isn’t the last. He told him “I love you” when they told their parents about their relationship. He told him “I love you” when they donned their graduation hats. He tells him “I love you” each passing day. Before he sleeps, and after he wakes up. When he asks him how his day had been, or where he is now. It’s become a constant in their everyday lives that Daehwi immediately notices when it suddenly started becoming lesser and lesser, and the “I love you”s that were once filled with warmth and sincerity suddenly felt cold and no longer held the same meaning as they used to.)
v.
the first time we fought
The first time Jinyoung and Daehwi fought as a couple, they’re both sophomores in college, and Jinyoung’s finally broadening his connections by engaging with more people. And with more people he encounters, the lesser time he has to leave Daehwi cute daily messages, or even simply just answer his calls.
Daehwi tries to understand. He decided to throw away the idea of college for both Jinyoung and what he really wants to do in life, and pursue music instead by looking for record labels to submit his productions, sometimes getting singing gigs in local pubs and bars for additional income to pay for the bills of his shared apartment with Jinyoung. They decided to get a place for themselves, in a city two towns away from home, so they’ll have somewhere to call theirs.
It was okay the first year. The place truly felt like home, and Jinyoung’s arms felt like the safest place on earth. Jinyoung used to stay in a lot if he didn’t have classes. Daehwi doesn’t usually leave until it’s seven in the evening, and he would be out until one in the morning. But they made it work. Jinyoung would study while he waited for him to come home, and Daehwi would make sure he’d be awake to cook Jinyoung breakfast the next day and see him leave off for university.
It was supposed to work, but then again, Jinyoung is taking up a pre-med course since he’s always wanted to be a doctor ever since they were little, so of course he’s bound to be busy eventually. It wouldn’t be a surprise if that plan only worked out for year. Eventually, Jinyoung had to stay out later than usual so he never sees Daehwi leave, and when he does reach in time to see him off, he’d either pass out immediately on the couch, or not be able to stay up late to wait for him to come back home.
Daehwi tries to understand, but then a day of not seeing him suddenly turned to days until it turned to weeks of barely seeing each other unless it’s to eat breakfast together or sleep with the other already having his eyes. It’s gotten to a point where their usual weekend date became a once in a month thing until they no longer did it.
It’s gotten to a point where Daehwi doesn’t even know where Jinyoung is at the moment, or if he’s even gonna go home today or the next day.
The first time Jinyoung and Daehwi fought as a couple, it’s supposed to be their second year anniversary. Jinyoung hasn’t come home in days, his last text being three days ago telling him he’ll be staying over a classmate’s house for a while to finish their term paper. Daehwi doesn’t stay up when the clock turns to midnight, and he wakes up to it being a right decision since he doesn’t see a “Happy anniversary” in his phone’s notifications.
It’s gotten to a point that Daehwi’s tears have already dried up that he can no longer cry anymore, and half of the day passes on with just him locking himself in his room. He doesn’t send Jinyoung a text either. If he forgot, then he forgot. Daehwi shouldn’t have to be the one to remind him of how special today was supposed to be.
Daehwi doesn’t remember falling asleep, but he wakes up to somebody’s warm breath against his nape, and when he turns, it’s Jinyoung’s tired eyes that he locks on.
“Hi.”
He’s supposed to get mad. He’s supposed to be upset, but all Daehwi could do was snuggle closer and heave a sad sigh, “I miss you. I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever.”
“I’m sorry. Uni has just been a real bitch,” Jinyoung apologizes as he strokes Daehwi’s hair. “Do you wanna go out to eat? There’s this okonomiyaki place downtown that I really wanna try.”
Daehwi had to stop himself from breaking down right there and then. It really feels like it’s been forever since Jinyoung had asked him out. It’s usually Daehwi setting up their dates.
“Sure. Just let me get changed first.”
An okonomiyaki place isn’t really Daehwi’s idea of a romantic second-year anniversary dinner, but he’ll take what he can get. What matters is he’s with Jinyoung, and he remembers when Daehwi almost believed he didn’t.
And maybe Daehwi should have believe his doubts today, ‘cause when they reach the restaurant, it’s not just them and it’s not just their anniversary date.
Jinyoung places an arm around his shoulder before smiling widely at the rowdy gang at the table they just approached, “Hey guys, this is my boyfriend. The one I told you about. Daehwi. Hwi, these are my classmates. And that girl over there is Chaesol. It’s her birthday today, and she said I could bring you along.”
Daehwi slowly takes Jinyoung’s arm off of him. “Jinyoung, do you remember what day is it today?”
“Huh? It’s a Friday, why?”
Daehwi shakes his head. “Nothing important.”
There’s a heavy feeling in his chest, and all he wants to do now is curl up in his bed and forget today even happened, but he’s forced to sit in a table with people who he barely know and Jinyoung’s too busy to talk to him either. They stay there for three hours, but it felt like a decade to Daehwi.
Jinyoung drives him home, and the car ride is awfully silent up until they’re on the driveway of their apartment, and Jinyoung has finally noticed.
“You’re awfully quiet today. What’s wrong?”
Daehwi scoffs, before turning to him, “Do you really not know what date today is?”
“Um, it’s not your birthday, right?”
Daehwi clicks his tongue, “My birthday’s a month ago.”
“Then I don’t know? Is it really that important that you’re being really stingy now?” Jinyoung asks, already frustrated. “Okay so I forgot whatever today is, so what?”
Daehwi pulls out a small box from his pouch and throws it at him. Jinyoung luckily catches it before it’d hit him right in the eye.
It’s a neatly wrapped pink box, and when he opens it, he sees the watch he had been eyeing for quite some time but couldn’t afford it since it was insanely expensive. Along with the watch is a small handwritten card.
“Oh,” Jinyoung breathes out. “It’s our anniversary.”
“Was,” Daehwi corrects him. When Jinyoung looks at the time in his car, it’s already 12:25am. “Sorry only I thought today was something worth remembering.”
“Hwi, it’s not that. It really just slipped my mind. It’s just that I’m busy—”
“You’re always busy, I know that! But it doesn’t even take ten minutes to try to check what day today is, and if you have anything important you should be remembering,” Daehwi retorts. “I wasn’t even expecting you take me to a special candlelit dinner or buy me some expensive ring. All I wanted was for you to remember, and at least greet even once. But you didn't.”
“Hwi, I’ll make it up to you, promise—”
But Daehwi shakes his head, takes off his seatbelt and storms out of the car and into their apartment. Jinyoung runs a hand over his face in frustration. Not at Daehwi, but at himself.
Literally, what kind of dumbass boyfriend forgets their anniversary and even has the audacity to take him out with his friends when Daehwi was most likely expecting a nice dinner date with just them two. He immediately runs after him, but Daehwi already locked himself in their room.
A knock. “Daehwi, let me in.”
Another. “Daehwi, please I’m sorry.”
Third time. “Baby, please, it really slipped my mind. I’m an asshole. Please, let me in so we can talk and I can apologize properly.”
Fourth. “Jinyoung, please leave me alone for now. I’m just really, really tired and I don’t wanna lash at you or get in an argument with us saying things we might regret later. Please.”
“Are you mad?”
“Disappointed, yeah. Hurt, most definitely, but mad, I don't think I’ll ever be mad at you.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Good night, Jinyoung.”
Jinyoung sleeps on the couch that night. When Daehwi wakes up, he’s no longer there, but there’s breakfast on the table— it’s a failed attempt on an omelette with a messy “I’m sorry” written in ketchup, and cup of coffee gone lukewarm, but it’s enough to make him smile. Daehwi makes a mental note to text Jinyoung later so they can have lunch together and make up for what happened last night.
(The first time Jinyoung and Daehwi fought, isn’t the last time they do. They fought one time when Jinyoung lied about staying over for research, but ended up going to a bar with his frat brothers. They fought when Daehwi met up with the producer who took interest in him when Jinyoung told him not to, since it was definitely an interest unrelated to music. They fought when Jinyoung failed to get into med school, locked himself in his room and refused to talk to anybody, even Daehwi.
They both know their relationship had not been perfect from the beginning. There had been small fights way before, even when they were still just best friends, but those fights were easily resolved in an hour or two. But these fights lasted for days, leading up to weeks, the longest lasting a month with no communication, no apologies and no effort to get things back to the way they used to be. Sometimes it’s Daehwi’s fault; often times, it’s Jinyoung who’s to blame. More than half of their relationship had been spent on fighting until Daehwi could no longer take it anymore.)
vi.
the first time we broke up
The first time they broke up is the only time they ever did, already nine years into the relationship, and without any actual confrontation. No dramatic monologue. No hurtful words thrown across the room.
It happened faster than he could bring his mind to register what just happened. Jinyoung wakes up at ten in the morning with nobody beside him, but he’s already gotten used to it so he doesn’t think much about it just yet. He’s tired from having to juggle two working shifts to make ends meet for their bills and his review fees since he still hasn’t given up on his dream to be a doctor.
The apartment is quiet, just like every other day, but that morning just felt lonelier and emptier than usual, and when he sees the white envelope tucked underneath the plate with the breakfast Daehwi had cooked for him, the gut feeling in his stomach he’s been ignoring is suddenly proven true.
And when he reads the letter, he now knows why Daehwi’s toothbrush wasn’t in its usual place when he had washed up today, and why he doesn’t see the organ across the dinner table anymore.
My dearest Jinyoung,
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry. I’m sorry. That’s all I can ever say. I’m sorry I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry I can’t hold on to whatever’s left of us anymore. I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
I can’t keep holding you back like this. You could’ve finished med school and become a doctor a long time ago if it wasn’t for me. At the same time, I should stop declining opportunities because it’s not in par with your schedule. We both have dreams we want to achieve, and if it’s this relationship that’s gonna hinder the both of us from growing and reaching them, I don’t think I wanna do this anymore.
You might think I’m an asshole for giving up on us now, but Jinyoung I’ve been fighting for years, and as much as I want to fight more for this, to fight more for us, I’ve gotten to the point where I’m too tired and worn out already. Everyday with you now just feels like a never-ending war, and my ammo’s about to run out.
But I loved you every single moment of that war regardless. It’s because I love you so much that I was able to withstand this long, and even when I’m saying goodbye now, I want you to know it’s not because I’ve fallen out of it. I love you. I will always love you, Jinyoung.
The past nine years had not been perfect, and neither was the eight years before that too. We have more days down than we have up, but regardless of everything that’s happened, I don’t regret saying yes to you that night.
I remember you telling me you’ll never leave me for as long as I stay. I’m sorry for leaving first and breaking that promise. My feet no longer wants to stay rooted in one spot when I know I can go to much farther places, and so can you.
Bae Jinyoung, you have been my heart’s greatest joy for more than half of my life, and I don’t regret ever meeting you. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for being my friend. And I’m sorry.
Don’t wait up for me. Don’t look for me. Just be happy, even if it means living without me.
Bae Jinyoung, you will always be my life’s greatest memory. Farewell.
(The first time Jinyoung and Daehwi broke up, it’s the only time and it’s through a letter that Jinyoung tears into shreds right after he reads it. He tried calling Daehwi’s number multiple times, but he’s not picking up. He never does until the number no longer works, and Jinyoung’s given up calling and his eyes are too tired to let out tears.
The first time Jinyoung and Daehwi broke up, Jinyoung is a mess and he’s downing his ninth bottle of beer in a bar somewhere in Red Light District. Daehwi’s friend, Woojin tells him the latter’s flew back to LA with his mom, and Jinyoung screams at him when he tells him to stop destroying himself over the boy whose heart his beaten up too much over the years it got tired of the pain and ran away from him.
Jinyoung knows it’s his fault. He knows too awfully well that the safe place he promised he’d keep Daehwi’s heart in had crashed and burned years ago.
The first time Jinyoung and Daehwi broke up, Jinyoung’s breaking down in a bar somewhere in Red Light District. The first time they broke up, is also the first time Jinyoung has felt the most scared in years, for he not only lost the boy he loved the most, but the boy who taught him how to.)
vii.
the first time i tried to find somebody new
The first time Jinyoung tried to find somebody new, two years have already passed. He’s twenty-eight, and just got out of military service. His hair is in a buzzcut now, and his posture is a lot stiffer than the last time his friends saw him.
It’s in a welcome back party set up by his friends in college, in a small BBQ house somewhere downtown. There’s meat, and beer, and new faces Jinyoung doesn’t remember seeing before.
Some of his friends have become doctors now; some gave up the dream halfway and pursued different career paths. Some have their own families now; some are new seeing people. And then Jinyoung’s there avoiding every question that has to do with a certain boy who’s now living his dream in America.
Woojin updates him from time to time. He knows Daehwi got a scholarship to Juilliard, and is working part-time at a record store somewhere in downtown New York. That’s all Jinyoung could bear to ask him.
He doesn’t ask him how he’s doing, or if he’s seeing someone new, or if he’s happy with his life there. He devoids himself of any emotion other than missing the person who was once his best friend.
“So he just broke up with you through a note ? Oh my god, isn’t that a bit, I don’t know, asshole-ish?” Jinyoung knows her name is Areum, and that she’s a friend of Chaesol but that’s all he knows about her. She pours him another drink. “It’s like the Medieval version of breaking up through text. T’s not thee. T’s me. ”
“I mean, it was my fault anyway,” Jinyoung defends before chugging down the shot glass filled to the brim with soju. “I wasn’t the best boyfriend. I had been neglective over the years. I even forgot our anniversary twice. I wouldn’t blame him if he got tired of me.”
“But you loved him, right?”
“Love,” Jinyoung smiles. “I did, and I still do.”
Areum gives him a sad smile, as she reaches to touch his arm, “Hey, I know it’s hard, but you do know he’s not coming back.”
“Yeah. I know."
“Listen, Jinyoung, I know you don’t know me all that much, and I don’t you that well either, but you can always give me a call whenever you need a friend,” She tells him as she passes him her card. “I’m down for drinks anytime if you need somebody to talk to.”
Jinyoung gives back a smile, “Thanks.”
(The first time Jinyoung tried to find somebody new, it’s with a girl even though he knows he doesn’t like girls, and Woojin’s telling him off for only using Areum as a distraction when he doesn’t even have the slightest intention of forgetting Daehwi.
Woojin’s right. Every touch of the hand doesn’t have the same electricity that courses through him like the warmth in Daehwi’s hand. Every hug just feels like holding on to thin air. Every kiss just makes him wish he still has Daehwi to hold and call his.
The first time Jinyoung tried to find somebody new, he’s only slapped with the realization that nobody would ever make him feel as much Daehwi does. The first time he tried to find somebody new, is the last for he can never find somebody else to ever fill in the hole Daehwi left in his chest.)
viii.
the first time we see each other in a long while
The first time Jinyoung sees Daehwi for the first time in a long while, it’s unprecedented and it’s Daehwi who sees him first, five years into their break up.
Jinyoung already tried imagining this scenario a bunch of times, already tried coming up of numerous reactions for various situations. He thought of meeting him in a bar when he’s most likely drunk to insanity. He has thought of meeting him in a restaurant, when he’s on one of the random blind dates Woojin sets him up with. He’s thought of bumping into him at the bathroom when he’s run out of toilet paper. But he didn’t prepare himself in meeting him at the cereal and biscuits aisle of the grocery store, simultaneously reaching out to the last box of Fruit Loops.
“Jinyoung?”
There’s a long pause in his breathing, like somebody’s thick low-heel boot is on top of his throat. His hand on top of his feels like fire, and he feels his chest about to go into extreme heaving.
“D-Daehwi,” he tries to acknowledge at least. “Hey. I didn’t know you’re already back in Seoul.”
That’s a lie. Woojin told him about it a week before Daehwi’s flight. He already knew Daehwi was back three days ago. He literally shut himself in his room and tried to survive with just Chinese takeout. The only reason he’s out now, in his favorite gray hoodie and striped pajama pants of all things, is because he’s run out of cereal and the grocery store is the last place Daehwi would like to go to.
But, boy was he wrong.
“Yeah, I got back a few days ago.” I know. “Your hair is so long now. And brown.”
Jinyoung reaches for his head in reflex. That’s right, Daehwi left when his hair was still in a bowl cut and still in its natural black. Jinyoung let his hair grew out and decided to dye it a hazelnut brown not too long ago, with Woojin calling him Korean Jesus for it.
“I see you dyed yours to blonde,” Jinyoung comments afterwards.
Daehwi hasn’t really changed that much from the last time they saw each other, aside from the shocking mop of blonde hair on his head and his face looking calm and happy and stress-free, something he realizes he hasn't seen in a long while now, even when they were still together.
“It looks so dry now, right? My scalp is so bad now. My hair was literally orange a week ago,” Daehwi laughs.
Jinyoung smiles, “It suits you.”
“Thank you,” Daehwi lets out a giggle. “It’s really been a while, huh? Five years....wow.”
“Hard to believe, huh?” It’s been a long five years.
“Yeah, who would’ve thought time would change your opinion on Fruit Loops?” Daehwi teases to which Jinyoung blushes at.
He’s right. Jinyoung doesn’t even like Fruit Loops, but he’s been buying them ever since the split. He buys them constantly now that it just became a habit of his to just get the Fruit Loops even though he has to force it down his throat and it’s Woojin who finished them often.
“Uh, time changes people, I guess.”
Daehwi gives him a soft smile, “Does it really?” He takes the box, looks at it for a moment, and stretches it out for Jinyoung to take. “Here. You can have it.”
Jinyoung quickly shakes his head, “But you got a hold of it first. You can have it. It’s your favorite cereal after all.”
“Oh no, it’s fine. I just wanted to take a look at it since I haven’t had Fruit Loops for a long time now,” Daehwi tells him as he pushes the box into Jinyoung’s arms. “I haven’t had them for five years.”
“Oh.”
“People do change over time, huh?” Daehwi lets out a small laugh, and it’s the same laugh that always get Jinyoung up on his toes and leaving him wanting more.
“Well, it was lovely seeing you again, Jinyoung. I don’t wanna take too much of your time now so I’ll be on my—”
“Have you had breakfast yet?” Jinyoung immediately asks him before he can turn his shopping cart around.
“Huh? Uh, not yet actually,” Daehwi blinks at him in surprise.
“Do you wanna eat with me? Well it can be brunch now considering it’s already eleven,” Jinyoung asks. “I mean, it’s fine if you don’t want to, but there’s this new bakery right across the store that I wanted to try and—”
Daehwi smiles, “I don’t see why not.”
Jinyoung returns it, this time a bit more wider. “Alright then.”
(The first time Jinyoung sees Daehwi in a long while, they’re thirty-two and they’re walking hand in hand towards the bakery right across the grocery store. Daehwi tells him he’s still afraid to cross roads without somebody holding his hand, and this earns a laugh from him. Jinyoung orders bacon and eggs along with a cup of black coffee, while Daehwi has pancakes and tea, just the way they like it.
The conversation is light and warm, and just the two of them laughing and catching up on what they missed in each other’s lives. As if they never had fights that had them mute for months before, as if they never got each other’s hearts broken years back.
And when Daehwi asks him how he’s been the past five years, Jinyoung tells him honestly that he misses him. Too much. And when Daehwi tells him the same, there’s a spark of hope burning somewhere inside his chest.
And when Jinyoung asks him if he was ever happy with him before, Daehwi says yes in a heartbeat.
“I was the happiest with you, Jinyoung. Nothing’s ever gonna change that.”
So Jinyoung takes his shot, “Then if we could start all over, would you be willing to take the chance to make things right between us?”
Daehwi smiles, “If it’s meant to be, then it’s meant to be.”)
ix.
the first time i see you walk down the aisle
The first time Jinyoung sees Daehwi walk down the aisle, they’re fifteen and it’s Jinyoung’s cousin’s wedding. It’s at the beachside, and the aisle is nothing more than a red carpet laid out on the sand and adorned with white rose petals.
“I want my wedding to be in a beach too,” Daehwi tells him as he slowly walks down the red carpet, his white suit pants getting sand all over them.
Jinyoung waits for him at the end of the carpet, picking on the orchid corsage pinned on his blazer “I want mine to be in a hotel. With a diamond chandelier on the ceiling. That would be nice.”
Daehwi hops on the last step, an inch away from where Jinyoung stood. “Hm, really? Then I want my wedding to be in a hotel with a diamond chandelier too!”
Jinyoung makes a face, “Copycat! Just have the beach wedding.”
“How are we gonna get married then if you’re in the hotel and I’m at the beach?”
It takes a while before it registers to Jinyoung’s head what Daehwi had meant, and when he finally realizes it, his cheeks are flushed red and he’s burning. Daehwi cracks up.
“Oh my god, you should have seen your face! That was priceless!”
“Shut up! What if you speak it into existence?”
Daehwi makes a humming sound as if he’s thinking about it, before turning back to him, “Eh, I don’t really mind. As long as it’s you.”
The first time Jinyoung sees Daehwi walk down the aisle for real, it’s in a fancy hotel in central Seoul, and there’s a diamond chandelier sparkling above their heads. The first time Jinyoung sees Daehwi walk down the aisle for real, it’s on his wedding day, and Daehwi looks the most beautiful in white.
His favorite song is playing— a more softer rendition of A Whole New World . Daehwi had always liked Aladdin among all the Disney movies. An orchestra had been hired for the event, and it’s the most beautiful symphony Jinyoung has heard yet.
His hands are getting clammy, and his three-piece suit feels a little stuffy now, but the moment he sees Daehwi step through the double doors, none of those matter anymore. All he sees is him.
Daehwi’s dressed in a white three-piece suit, just like how he’d picture their wedding to be. He looks like an angel without wings. He has always looked like an angel that’s too good to be real.
Even from afar, he can see the way Daehwi’s eyes crinkle. It’s what they do when he smiles really wide. Even from afar, the happiness in Daehwi’s eyes reaches where he stood by the end of the aisle. It’s a contagious energy, that Jinyoung could not help but break into a grin too.
When Daehwi finally reaches him, Jinyoung can see the tears about to drop, his eyes now glassy, but Daehwi gives him his biggest, brightest toothy grin just yet.
“Hello, bestfriend of 27 years.”
“Hi, first love,” Jinyoung smiles at him. “You look amazing.”
“Same goes to you. Your hair brushed up always looked good on you,” Daehwi compliments as he reaches to touch his hair.
“Hey, you’ll ruin it,” Jinyoung complains to which Daehwi laughs to. He gives the boy in white one more glance-over before sighing in content. “I’m happy for you, really.”
“Hurry up and get married already. I’ll be your best man too!”
Jinyoung laughs, “Nah. I think it’s too late for me to find love now. I’m old ,”
Daehwi hits him playfully in the arm. “No, it’s not! Life starts at 40, just so you know.”
“Maybe,” Jinyoung gives him another smile, “Well, I guess this is it. We can’t have your groom waiting for you long. He might run away.”
“Nah, he won’t. He loves me too much.”
There’s that familiar sting again. The sting that comes and goes for years. It lingers like a ghost, and Jinyoung thinks he can never get rid of it.
“I love you, Hwi. Always.”
Daehwi gives him one last smile before he walks past him and towards the arms of the man who he found a safe place for his heart after Jinyoung burned his.
The first time Jinyoung sees him walk down the aisle, he’s not going towards him. He’s watching him by the side exchange vows with a man that’s not him.
But Jinyoung’s not sad. He’s happy. He’s honestly happy for him, but there’s a tinge of regret that’ll probably haunt him for the rest of his life.
The first time Jinyoung sees Daehwi walk down the aisle will also be the last time he’ll let his heart ache for him, just as it’s the first time he’s finally giving him up and the last time Jinyoung will ever love someone this much.
x.
the last time i tell you i love you
Dear Lee Daehwi,
By the time you’re reading this, a year must’ve already passed by.
How are you? I hope things are going fine with work. I can’t believe my bestfriend is teaching music in Juilliard. Juilliard! You never cease to make me proud.
I hope things are going fine with Hyunjin too. I have no doubts he’s a good guy. I just hope he still takes you on the weekly date night, and makes sure to give you your favorite glass of milk before you fall asleep. Tell him to also give you massages before going to bed, okay? We all know your back is really bad. You outta take care of that, okay? I hope he’s learned how to make lasagna now, even though I know mine will always be your favorite (ha!). Remind him to always have Fruit Loops on stock or you’ll get extra cranky in the morning. I wanna save him the trouble of seeing the Fiery Dragon of Los Angeles. Hahaha.
You’re probably wondering where I am. I’m neither here or there. Don’t worry, I’m not dead by the time you’re reading this. (Hopefully.)
You’re also probably wondering why I’m writing this letter. I actually don’t know either but I found a carrier that delivers slow mail in one of my travels and I figured I’d write you one. I mean, you are my only friend. (Just kidding, Woojin might sulk.)
We had quite the adventure, huh? Who would’ve thought the boy missing one of his front tooth back when we were ten would actually be my one that got away? If you told ten-year old me, he would’ve most likely cried in frustration hahahaha. But I don’t regret everything we’ve been through, and neither do I regret where we are and how things ended up for us now.
But if there’s one thing I regret, it’s not keeping my promise to keep your heart safe then. I’m sorry you had a hard time because of me. If there’s one thing I want time to reverse, it’s for me to treat you better while you were still mine.
But hey, things happen for a reason right? If it’s meant to be, it’s meant to be. Maybe we were just destined to meet, but not destined to end up together. Either way, I would still be happy to be a part of your life, and you be a part of mine.
I hope you’re really happy now. That’s all I ever want for you.
I love you, Lee Daehwi. Always had and always will.
“Love, Bae Jinyoung,” Daehwi smiles as he folds the paper into a neat square. “And you waited thirty years to give this to me? The letter said one year after I got married.”
Jinyoung shrugs, “Not my fault you moved and I didn’t know.”
“Not my fault either that you just left without a word!” Daehwi yelled at him. “Really, couldn’t you just send a text saying, Hey, gonna be a travelling doctor now, don’t worry about me, I’ll send you a postcard every three months ?”
Jinyoung cackles, and when he thinks he’s had enough of a laugh, he takes a look at the boy who meant the world to him, and still does.
Daehwi aged like fine wine. At sixty-seven, his hair is now white as snow and there are wrinkles at the side of his face, but his eyes still glimmer like he’s in the prime of his youth. Like they’re still both seventeen, and it’s three am and they’re standing in front of Jinyoung’s house. And like when they were ten, at the park across the new house on the block the very first time they met.
“I had to forget about you for a while.”
Daehwi gives him a sad smile, “Did you?”
“For a while,” Jinyoung returns it back. “But I—”
A honk from the car behind him cuts what Jinyoung was about to say.
“Dad, hurry up! We’ll miss our flight!” Jinyoung’s adopted daughter calls him out from their pick up truck. “Hi Uncle Daehwi! I’m sorry my dad is still a sap but we really need to go now.”
“Chu’s very impatient, huh?” Daehwi laughs. He leans close, and fixes Jinyoung’s crooked collar. “Well, guess, this is goodbye then. Tell Japan I miss it. Will we even see each other after this?”
“Don’t talk like that,” Jinyoung says. “I’m sorry I won’t be here for his death anniversary.”
“We’re not getting any younger. It’s the truth. And it’s alright,” Daehwi smiles. “But make sure to be here for my birthday. If not, call at least.”
“Of course.”
“And Jinyoung?” Daehwi calls out right before Jinyoung could step down from his porch. “You’re still this life’s happiest memory.”
Jinyoung gives him a smile one last time before stepping out of the gates and into the truck, before he leaves for Japan, and before he basks in the realization that this would most likely the last time they’ll be seeing each other again.
“And the heart will never ever forget you either, Lee Daehwi.”
Daehwi waves him goodbye. One last time.
“Bye, bestfriend of 57 years.”
“Farewell, last love.”
The last time Jinyoung tells Daehwi he loves him, it's when they're 67, and he doesn't say I love you, but farewell, and Jinyoung has a flight with a promise to come meet him again soon. The last time Jinyoung tells Daehwi he loves him, it's through a smile and a goodbye, and it's the last memory he'll ever have of him.