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“I don’t know,” Shen Wei finally says.
“You don’t know?” Zhao Yunlan echoes.
Shen Wei grimaces a little, and then looks away from Yunlan’s gaze. It’s very easy to say yes to Yunlan when Yunlan is looking at him like this. Scratch that. It’s very easy to say yes to Yunlan in general, no matter what Yunlan is asking for, no matter how he’s asking for it. “I don’t know if I know how to be in a relationship, Yunlan.”
“What a coincidence,” Yunlan says quickly, tugging at Shen Wei’s sleeve until Shen Wei looks up at him. “Me neither! We’re both smart. We can figure it out together.”
“That’s not- I’m not-” He trails off, unsure of the right words for the situation, and even more so of his own feelings. He likes Yunlan, he really, really does. But he’s also self-aware enough to know that he’s very different from Yunlan, that he’s lacking in many of the traits that will make for a good boyfriend. “Yunlan, I really don’t know.”
Yunlan doesn’t say anything for a long moment. He also doesn’t let go of Shen Wei’s shirtsleeves, or look away from Shen Wei’s eyes.
Shen Wei squirms a little under Yunlan’s scrutiny, and that seems to be the thing that breaks Yunlan’s concentration.
Yunlan quickly lets go of Shen Wei’s sleeve, and takes a good couple of steps away from Shen Wei. “Sorry,” he says quietly. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable.”
“I wasn’t,” Shen Wei tells him.
Yunlan nods curtly, just once. And then, “I can’t just stop liking you. But I also don’t want to make you uncomfortable, so...do you want me to stay away from you for a couple of weeks?”
The thought of Yunlan’s constant presence around him being not so constant anymore is surprisingly unbearable.
“No,” Shen Wei says vehemently.
Too vehemently, because Yunlan’s eyes narrow just a little, and Shen Wei can almost see the way the hopefulness in his eyes grows more calculating until it settles finally on just knowing.
Shen Wei hates and loves in equal parts how well Zhao Yunlan is able to read him.
“Okay,” Yunlan says, and takes two steps towards Shen Wei. “Do you want me to stop expressing my affections for you?”
Shen Wei’s cheeks heat. “I… What does that mean?”
“The touching, for example,” Yunlan says, reaching out to brush his fingertips over the back of Shen Wei’s hand, just the softest caress that almost makes Shen Wei shiver. “The teasing. The gifts.”
Shen Wei swallows.
Yunlan smiles a little at that. “Do you want me to stop?”
“No,” Shen Wei whispers, unable to help himself.
“Okay,” Yunlan says, and his smile could light the entire goddamn city.
Shen Wei is so fucked.
—
Shen Wei worries almost obsessively about the conversation he had with Yunlan over the entire weekend.
Saturday afternoon, he drafts a message to Yunlan almost thirteen times before he gives up lets his phone run out of battery. Then he worries that Yunlan wouldn’t be able to reach him if his phone is out of battery, and dashes into his study for his phone charger.
Yunlan doesn’t contact him.
Saturday night, he almost calls Yunlan to ask if he’s had dinner, if he’d like a second dinner if he’s already eaten because Shen Wei made his favourite wonton noodles. He chickens out before he’s able to click down on the call button, and ends up dejectedly eating his noodles alone.
Yunlan, again, doesn’t contact him.
Sunday morning, Shen Wei almost runs into a pole during his morning run because he thought he saw Yunlan from the corner of his eye. It turns out it was just someone who owned a similar leather jacket. Shen Wei knows because Shen Wei ran after him to check.
Yunlan still doesn’t contact hin.
Sunday night, Shen Wei makes it till 8pm before he can’t stand it anymore and goes straight to bed. He can’t worry about Yunlan if he’s not conscious to do so.
It’s not that he’s not grateful for having the time to think things through alone, but he’s uncomfortable and on edge that he hasn’t seen Yunlan in close to 48 hours now.
He wonders —worries, rather— secretly if Yunlan has wisened up and moved on.
He falls asleep with his phone in his hand.
Zhao Yunlan doesn’t call.
—
Shen Wei is understandably a little dejected on Monday morning.
He’s glad it’s a Monday, glad it’s a new start of the week — perhaps all he needs is to just focus on his teaching to take his mind of Yunlan. He could probably extend his office hours this week.
He can’t fret over whatever this thing is with Yunlan if he doesn’t have time to, right?
He’s already psyched himself up to ignore this whole Yunlan thing, when he exits his apartment building to find Yunlan leaning against his car, clearly waiting for Shen Wei.
“Xiao Wei!” Yunlan calls out to him.
Shen Wei spares a moment to wonder if this is an illusion, before he says, “Yunlan? What are you doing here?”
“I’m picking you up,” Yunlan says matter-of-factly. “What else could I be doing here? I brought you breakfast as well, it’s in the car. C’mon, you don’t want to be late for your first class.”
It’s...not uncommon for Yunlan to send him to the university every once in awhile. Most of the times, it’s because Yunlan is starting the day off early and following up a lead somewhere close; other times, it’s because he’s somehow talked Shen Wei into making him breakfast.
None of those times have followed a love confession by Yunlan that Shen Wei botched up. Sort of. He doesn’t really know, because Yunlan hasn’t said anything about it yet.
Shen Wei ends up getting into Yunlan car anyway, because Yunlan is smiling at him expectantly, and it’s already been tried and proved that Shen Wei is unable to put up any form of resistance to Yunlan’s smile.
“Did you have a good weekend?” Yunlan asks, once Shen Wei is all strapped in, and has taken the you tiao and soy milk combo Yunlan offers him. “I wanted to call you so many times, but Zhu Hong said it would be better if I gave you some peace and quiet. She says I can get a little much.”
Oh.
The knots in his stomach loosen a little, and he quickly bites into his you tiao to avoid saying anything embarrassing.
Yunlan lets the silence settle in for awhile, and then continues with, “I missed you.”
Shen Wei turns to look at him.
“I didn't see you for one weekend and I already miss you,” Yunlan says ruefully. “Did you miss me too?”
Shen Wei takes a pointed bite out of the you tiao in his hand.
Yunlan laughs a little at that. “Is it too much? I’ll tone it down,” he promises. “And oh, don’t worry about getting lunch from the canteen today. I’ll come by with food. You still have 12 to 2pm off today, right?”
—
They settle into a nice routine over the next couple of days.
Shen Wei makes extra breakfast and packs it for Yunlan who is always waiting downstairs —with the car, not the bike, because he knows Shen Wei doesn’t like riding on it—, they chat about either the new case Yunlan is working on or the lesson Shen Wei has planned for the day, Yunlan flirts a little, Shen Wei blushes a lot, Yunlan always comes by the university for lunch.
It’s a nice routine. Shen Wei enjoys it.
Shen Wei is also stupidly grateful that Yunlan isn’t being pushy about the whole dating thing — Shen Wei really does think that he will make a bad boyfriend for Yunlan, although, as his grad student Li Qian points out, they are basically already dating, and Yunlan seems to not have found any issues with Shen Wei’s suitability and or competency yet.
He’s just...hesitant, he supposes.
He’s afraid that if he allows himself to have this, if he accepts Yunlan, that he'll have to let him go when Yunlan realises a couple of months, weeks, even days into the whole thing that he can do a lot better than boring ol’ Shen Wei. Shen Wei isn't sure if he'll be able to let go, then.
He sighs, at the thought, and packs up his teaching materials. He should get back to his office instead of worrying over problems that he can choose to ignore instead. Class dragged out a little longer than he thought it would today; Yunlan must already be waiting for him in his office with their lunch.
He passes a couple of other professors as he’s crossing the campus, and most of them burst into soft giggles when they see him.
The third time it happens, he fishes his phone out from his pocket, and rings Yunlan. “What did you do?” he asks as soon as Yunlan picks up.
“Why don’t you hurry back, and see for yourself?” Yunlan asks, and Shen Wei doesn’t even have to see his face to know that Yunlan is smirking, can almost hear it in his voice. “Also, uh, it...might be a little much, which I swear isn’t my fault. I asked Xiao Guo to help out with the order and the decorating because I had a meeting, but I guess my handwriting is a bit sloppy, so he misread 100 for 1000, so- Oh. It just occurred to me that I probably should’ve asked you first, but I hope you’re not allergic to roses?”
Shen Wei breaks into a slow jog. “I’ll be there in two minutes.”
“Great,” Yunlan says. And then, “Wait, that’s a no on the allergy, right? Xiao Wei? Do I have to get rid of the roses before you get back, Xiao Wei?”
Shen Wei will never admit, not even at gunpoint, that he’s smiling a little at the concern in Yunlan’s voice when he hangs up.
—
Yunlan sends him a feedback form titled “How Can Zhao Yunlan Do Better in the Courtship of Shen Wei?” two weeks from the day he asked Shen Wei to be his boyfriend.
Li Qian laughs for a good fifteen minutes when she sees the form on Shen Wei’s desk, and then another fifteen more for good measure when she sees that Shen Wei is actually seriously filling the form out.
Zhao Yunlan beams at him when Shen Wei returns the form.
That in itself is worth all of Li Qian’s sniggering. He tells her as much the next day.
“You’re not doing badly at this boyfriend thing, you know that, right?” Li Qian asks him. “I mean, you spent close to two hours filling up that trash feedback form because it was important to him, and because you wanted to make him happy. I don’t think anyone expects anything more than that out of a relationship, you know? Just a thought.”
Shen Wei considers her words.
Huh.
—
Shen Wei doesn’t get to talk to Yunlan about his newfound revelation because the SID gets called in to help out with a case the next town over the same day.
“I’m already on the way. I’ll be gone for a couple of days,” Yunlan tells him over the phone. “But I’ll miss you.”
Shen Wei fights the urge to swallow his words and hide his feelings, and emerges triumphant. “I will, as well,” he tells Yunlan softly. He hears the shaky breath that Yunlan draws, and it makes him smile. “Stay safe.”
“This case that we’re going over to solve has no idea what’s about to hit it. I’m going to make the team work round the clock to crack it as soon as possible, I swear. I’m going to try for 24 hours.” Yunlan lets out a soft laugh. “Xiao Wei,” he says softly, “I can’t wait to come home to you already.”
—
Shen Wei is in the middle of a lecture the next afternoon when a delivery boy cracks the door open. “Sorry to interrupt, but I have an urgent delivery for Professor Shen Wei? Someone told me he’d be in this room?”
Shen Wei blinks at him. “I am Shen Wei,” he says.
“Oh, good!” the boy says cheerfully, and jogs to the front of the room, and sets two paper bags down on Shen Wei’s table. He passes his phone to one of the students sitting at the front row. “Sorry, but please help me video this? The guy who ordered the delivery gave me a $100 tip to do this.”
Oh no.
This has Zhao Yunlan written all over it.
“My very beloved Professor Shen!” the boy recites loudly and with feeling, turning back to Shen Wei. “Please remember to have your meals and to rest adequately in between classes!”
A couple of students start giggling. A few more phones start recording them.
Shen Wei wants the floor to swallow him whole, but he can’t even find it in himself to blame Yunlan — Yunlan was probably expecting him to be alone in his office, but Shen Wei had volunteered to sub for another professor who was having a family emergency.
It’s...a sweet gesture, in a way. Even if he probably isn’t going to ever be able to live this down.
“Even though I am not by your side, my heart is with you, always,” the delivery guy continues. “Please find in temporary replacement of me, a nice and healthy lunch delivered straight to you. I hope you are thinking of me the way I am thinking of you!” The delivery boy nods, then. “That’s a direct quote from Mr. Zhao. Have a good day, Professor Shen! Again, I’m sorry for interrupting your class! Mr. Zhao’s instructions were to deliver it to you in person, and he paid me a lot of money, so I felt bad about just leaving the food on your desk.”
“It’s okay,” Shen Wei tells him kindly. “I’ll make sure Mr. Zhao leaves you a five star review.”
The boy waves at him happily, and then leaves.
Shen Wei sighs at the students who are all either outright giggling, or trying very hard to control themselves. “I was just opening the floor to questions before we were interrupted?” he reminds them.
A dozen hands shoot up.
“I will take any question that does not relate to the food delivery,” Shen Wei adds, and to his surprise, most of the hands stay up. “You at the back. The girl with the red shirt and the ponytail?”
The student in question stands. “Is Mr. Zhao your boyfriend, Professor Shen?” she asks jokingly, which starts up another round of giggling.
When Shen Wei lets out a long-suffering sigh, she straightens up and moves onto her actual question about their assigned lab project, which Shen Wei is grateful for.
The question sticks in his mind, even after class is dismissed.
Is Zhao Yunlan his boyfriend?
The answer is: no.
It’s an answer that makes Shen Wei feel uneasy, no matter how accurate or true it is.
He can’t wait till Yunlan gets back so that Shen Wei can turn the no into a yes.
—
Shen Wei gets a call from Lin Jing a couple of hours later, just as he’s packing up to go home.
“Hi, Prof Shen, how quickly can you come over?” Lin Jing asks.
Shen Wei frowns. “Why? What happened?”
“Chief Zhao is in the hospital,” Lin Jing tells him.
Shen Wei’s knees go weak, and he has to lean against the table for support. “Is he okay?” Shen Wei rasps out, half afraid of the answer he’s going to get.
“Oh, no, sorry, Professor Shen, I should’ve said! It’s not life-threatening. It’s nothing serious, he’s just...very drugged up now, and we thought that he would want to see you the most when he wakes up.”
“I’ll be there within the hour,” Shen Wei tells him.
—
True to Lin Jing’s word, Yunlan is very drugged up when Shen Wei gets to him.
“An angel,” Yunlan says when he sees Shen Wei, reaching out to grab at Shen Wei’s hand. Shen Wei lets Yunlan tangle their fingers together, and doesn’t even pretend that he doesn’t already feel a lot of his anxiety and worry seep away from just the simple contact. “Xiao Guo! Xiao Guo, an angel has come to visit me!”
“Oh, Zhao Yunlan,” Shen Wei murmurs, and turns to look at Guo Changcheng. “Is he okay?”
“The doctor says it’ll wear off in a couple of hours,” Changcheng tells him. “He had to get some stitches, but he’s mostly fine.”
Yunlan tugs at Shen Wei’s hand to get his attention. “You’re very pretty, you know?” he tells Shen Wei. “You look like this guy I’m in love with. Do you know him? Maybe he’s an angel too! His name is Shen Wei, and he’s as pretty as you are. Prettier. The prettiest. And he’s so smart. And so kind. And so, so lovely. I miss him.”
Shen Wei’s heart feels very full.
Changcheng coughs politely, and then says, “I’ll just...head back to help the team with work now that you’re here, Professor Shen.”
Shen Wei nods. “Thanks for taking care of him,” he tells Changcheng before Changcheng leaves, closing the door behind him.
Shen Wei settles down onto the chair by the side of the bed. “How did you even get hurt this time, hmm?” he murmurs.
“Really wanted to catch the bad guy,” Yunlan tells him sleepily. “Really wanted to go home.”
Shen Wei’s lips twitch a little at that. “Oh?”
“Mm hmm,” Yunlan says, and tightens his grip on Shen Wei’s hand. “I’ve got the loveliest boy waiting for me back home. I miss him. You’re an angel, can you tell him that I miss him?”
“I’m sure he knows,” Shen Wei tells Yunlan, and cards through Yunlan’s hair gently with his free hand. “I’m sure he misses you too.”
Yunlan blinks at him sleepily. “You really look like him,” he tells Shen Wei, awe in his eyes. “Can you stay here a little longer so I can look at you?”
Shen Wei smiles. “Go to sleep, Yunlan. He’ll be here when you wake up.”
“Okay,” Yunlan says, and then slowly closes his eyes.
He doesn’t let go of Shen Wei’s hand.
Shen Wei doesn’t let go either.
—
He must have fallen asleep at some point, because in the span of one blink and another, the morning sun is already shining through the room, and Yunlan is already awake and staring at him.
“Are you feeling better?” Shen Wei asks, sitting up. “Do you hurt anywhere? Do you need anything?”
Yunlan shakes his head, and then seems to change his mind, and nods instead. “I need to apologise,” Yunlan says very seriously.
Shen Wei stares at him. “For what?”
“For getting hurt,” Yunlan says, and reaches out to cup Shen Wei’s face. “You must have been very worried. I’m sorry for making you worry. I’ll try not to anymore.”
Christ, Shen Wei is truly in love with the kindest, softest man.
“Zhao Yunlan,” Shen Wei says gravely, “do you want to be my boyfriend?”
It feels good to say the words out, to repeat the words that Yunlan had said to him a few weeks ago. He feels a lot lighter now that he doesn’t have to deny himself this anymore.
Yunlan’s lips part in surprise. “I think we better call for the doctor first,” Yunlan says, after a long pause. “I want to make sure I’m not still tripping on the good drugs.”
Shen Wei laughs. “We could do that,” he tells Yunlan. “But every minute we waste is an extra minute I’m not kissing y-”
“Or,” Yunlan interrupts, making grabby hands at Shen Wei, “we could just not call the doctor.”
“Or we could do that,” Shen Wei agrees, and then kisses him.