Work Text:
To marry an Addams means taking marriage very seriously. After all, it is till death do you part.
And even then, sometimes they come back.
Stop me if you've heard this before. Boy meets girl, boy and girl are torn apart by a turkey named brotherhood, boy and girl come together over the grave of a Barbie-deprived black widow. But that's just the beginning.
Seventh grade did, indeed, keep them apart, as did most of high school. But Joel Glicker was smart and persistent (witness his possession of the only complete set of 'Schizos and Serial Killers' cards on record) and Wednesday Addams was... an Addams.
High school didn't stand a chance.
Joel's parents grudgingly gave permission for the occasional weekend visit and the Addams' postman grew adept at eluding the clutches of Gate as he delivered Joel's rambling descriptions of fifth period English ("Mr. Taylor is worse than Gary. If he deconstructs Moby Dick any further, Ahab will end up killing his father and marrying his mother.") and picked up Wednesday's terse replies ("You can collect arsenic by boiling old flypaper").
Joel kept that note and years later slipped it into Another Man's Poison: Secrets to Knock 'Em Dead Entertaining from Lucrezia Borgia, Madame de Brinvilliers, and Martha Stewart, making sure to leave it where his mother could find it.
Stella Glicker had mixed feelings about the Addams family. Why couldn't Joel find a nice normal girl? But a mansion in Westchester is still a mansion in Westchester. Mel was just thrilled that Stella's coddling hadn't repressed his son's heterosexual urges.
Joel eventually forgave Thing for leaping out of Debbie's grave. Thing eventually forgave Joel for throwing him to the ground and performing an impromptu Mamushka on him.
Lurch was a harder sell; the misery Fester's late wife had inflicted on the family was still a sensitive subject and he was not enthusiastic about welcoming another stranger. ("Uuuuuuueeerrrrrrggg." "He'll warm up to you," Pugsley assured Joel. "Just don't make any sudden moves.")
Pubert learned that Joel didn't bounce.
The cast came off after six weeks.
When he graduated from high school, the Glickers took Joel to Disneyland. After he promised that they could take a side trip to Death Valley to feed the vultures, Wednesday accepted Joel's invitation to accompany them.
Three different princess performers quit and an entire tour group of Brownies burst into tears after listening to Wednesday explain the real relationship between Little Red Riding Hood and the Wolf. Stella looked faintly ill. Mel seemed fascinated despite himself.
Joel made sure to drop a pair of mouse ears on Wednesday's head and snap a picture before she whipped them off and force-fed them to a Dwarf.
For her eighteenth birthday, Joel handed Wednesday a severely wrapped parcel, dull grey paper with a darker grey ribbon, and a single rose, blood-red petals gone to faded rust that crumbled at the merest touch.
Beauty Secrets of Elizabeth Bàthory. Wednesday kept her eyes downcast, dark lashes fluttering against pale cheeks. But hints of a smile played at the corners of her mouth.
Joel Glicker had seen the face of evil. And he had known fear. Allergies, Gary Granger, Camp Chippewa - all paled in comparison to living with Stella and Mel Glicker. But nothing had ever terrified him so much as this moment.
He stood beneath the tattered chuppah, scorch marks clearly visible across its surface ("Mordeccai Addams' child bride fanned the flames as Rome burned," Morticia announced proudly), waiting, waiting, waiting.
His heart leapt when Wednesday finally appeared. She was a vision in black, shrouded in a lace veil that fell to her feet, clutching a bouquet of black orchids. She seemed to glide at her father's side as Gomez led her down the path from the house.
When they reached Joel, Gomez solemnly placed her hand in Joel's. Then he stepped back to stand next to Morticia and promptly burst into tears. Fester, well-supplied by Dementia, slipped him a handkerchief and harmonized with his own loud sobs.
Cousin Itt presided over the ceremony, complete with yarmulke and side curls (and Joel didn't even want to think about the story behind that; the Addams' devotion to tradition put Bubbe Glicker to shame).
Flora Amor caught the bouquet.
Fauna sulked.
Grandma groped him on the dance floor. Morticia pressed a cool kiss to his forehead after a stately waltz.
His mother couldn't tear her eyes away from Pubert and What, who were practicing their sword swallowing under Fester's watchful eyes ("Dinner knives! Just the thing for boys your size!")
His father incautiously accepted a cigar from Thing and had to be helped into the library for a bit of fresh air. ("He'll be fine," Cousin Margaret said. "He just needs a few minutes with a good book.")
Niagara Falls was Stella's suggestion.
Too many safety rails.
Calcutta? Gomez and Morticia shared a fond - and heated - glance.
So old-fashioned.
Mel ventured the Poconos.
Joel and Wednesday just stared.
Fester and Dementia favored the Bermuda Triangle.
Tempting. But the odds of a round trip were still too low.
A flurry of taps caught everyone's attention.
Thing held up a glossy brochure with a flourish.
Scranton is so lovely in the spring.
The telegram arrived at the Addams home two weeks later.
JOEL DEAD STOP PREPARE GRAVE NEAR DEBBIE STOP WHO KNEW HE WAS AFRAID OF POLKAS STOP
A beautiful wedding, a thrilling honeymoon, a moving funeral. What more could a girl hope for?
Groaning timbers, the howl of the wind through tattered draperies, the moan and clank of the rack and wheel in the basement below, all were familiar and comforting. But wait.... Could it be?
Wednesday lay there in the vast bed and strained to hear the slightest whisper of sound.
The creaking of the stairs. The shrill squeal of the rusted door hinges.
The foul reek of still crypt air and the tang of freshly disturbed graveyard dust swept over her. A crash of thunder shook the room and lightning briefly illuminated the figure at the door.
Her heart leapt in her throat as she heard those three little words she so longed to hear.
"Honey," Joel said, "I'm back."