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Awsten made a beeline for the sofa Geoff and Otto were on, flopping onto it with the intent of someone that was looking forward to it.
Shame he was only met with confusion and suspicion.
"Uh, hi?" Geoff said.
"Where were you?" Otto said, immediately frustrated.
"Hahah! Okay, wow, it's a really long story, but you gotta promise me you're not going to hate me forever."
"Whatever, just tell us where you've been, we were worried sick."
"Uhm. Yeah. Well. You know how I kept my 'stuff' at her house?"
Geoff and Otto gave each other an "Oh shit, here we go" look before redirecting their attention to Awsten.
Noticing the action, Awsten nervously laughed.
"Ah. Well, you see, Iiiiii..."
The other two kept staring intently.
"...I threw myself out the window and haunted the house for a few days until she brought me back from the dead out of grief. Then we both kinda realized it was a bad idea to be sticking around in a relationship neither of us actually wanted? I bailed and shambled around for a while and now I'm here."
Long, awkward pause.
Geoff was stunned. "Threw yourself out of a window? What?!"
"Who fucking does that? What if she didn't bring you back? She'd be fully justified in doing so!" Otto said.
"Then I'd be kinda fucked! The entire plan relied on her being upset and desperate enough to use my stuff to bring me back to my own body."
Otto scrunched his face up in frustration. "You killed yourself and emotionally manipulated her into performing necromancy because...why?"
"She made my life a living hell, so I decided to make hers an actual living hell!"
"By making your life an actual living hell too?"
"I'M AN INCREDIBLY PETTY PERSON."
"I know she did you wrong, but that's, that's evil!" Geoff said.
"It would have been more evil if I wasn't winging it."
"Huh?"
"Only came up with the plan three minutes before I walked through the door. I was flying blind as soon as my head hit the pavement. I was mad and just wanted to get back at her as soon as possible."
Otto hid his face in his hands while Geoff winced.
"LOOK, I'M NOT PROUD OF THIS."
"If you're going to take the Left-Hand Path, could you at least take a moral compass with you?" Otto asked.
"I shouldn't have done it. You two were in the house before I did it too, so I had to put you through all that."
"Awsten, we didn't go through 'all that'. Your explanation is the first we've heard about any of this." Geoff said.
Pause.
"We were still here when you left. We never went to her house. "
Even longer pause. [1]
Otto's voice took on a mocking tone. "Oooo, were we a manifestation of your conscience? Because if we were, then next time, you should take a fucking hint when we show up!"
"Yeah, okay, I get it. Like, shit, I really fucked up. I can't apologize either because she's either scared of me now or she'd kill me. Or both. Probably both."
"Again, fully justified."
"How did you get unzombied anyways?" Geoff asked.
"Same thing that happened the last time I died. Y'know, the cultists?"
***
At an altar deep within the woods, a group of hooded figures started chanting ominously.
The main figure in a skull mask walked straight to the altar as his congregation hushed. He turned towards them, bombastically throwing up his hands, ready to start with the proceedings...
"Uh, someone is coming."
The hooded figure that sheepishly informed the others of that certain someone, pointed over to the lumbering figure in the distance.
The main figure took off the dramatic skull mask to reveal a messy haired guy with glasses, mildly annoyed at getting interrupted before the start of his well-rehearsed monologue. The man casually walked over to the intruder with the urgency of someone who took great pride in telling others off.
"This is private property! Please go back to your home and pretend you didn't see any—oh hi, Awsten."
Awsten groaned.
The guy's vision finally adjusted to notice Awsten's current situation.
"Whoever resurrected you before did a way better job."
Soft affirmational grunt.
One of the cultists shuffled over to the lead guy's side.
"Quinton! We can't keep interrupting rituals to help every rando that shows up in your backyard!" they whispered curtly.
"We're not on a strict timetable here. Think of it as community outreach," Quinton whispered back.
The other cultist got a closer look at Awsten and sighed.
"Okay, you're right. It's a waste of a perfectly good pretty boy to just leave the pallor and the eye color as it is. Did they even remember to restart the heart? This is a rush job if I've ever seen one."
"I'm sure they tried their best, most first time necromancers can't even raise a corpse, let alone get everything up and running again."
"At least there's no smell."
"Thank fuck, the smell is the worst."
The cultist walked away, whispering "I knoooooow."
Quinton beckoned Awsten over to the obligatory creepy pentagram surrounded by candles marked into the ground.
"Come over here and lay down in the circle."
Affirmative grunt, followed by him doing as told.
"Now close your eyes."
Quinton pulled out a knife. He held out his other arm, repositioning his thumb so that the space between his thumb and index finger was more evident.
"Now open your mouth and say 'ahh'."
Loud whining noises.
"C'mon, I gave you the goat's blood the last time and you were complaining about the taste as soon as you regained your wits."
Acknowledging the validity of his statement while still being reluctant grunt.
"This grosses me out just as much as it does you, bud, but that's just how it's gonna be."
After the whole ordeal ended, Quinton helped Awsten up from the ground.
"You're going to have a very cryptic but symbolic hallucination sometime this week. Your brain was lagging for a prolonged period of time, so it has to play catch up."
"Okay, I'll just have to ride that out." [2]
"Are you sure you don't want to be involved with us? I don't even mean believing in anything that we're doing, I mean in that it would be very beneficial for you to be practicing dark magic in a group instead of going solo with absolutely no guidance whatsoever."
"I HAVE MY REASONS."
"Are they good ones? Because you're engaging in amateur hour bullshit and honestly, it's a waste of your talent."
"You're a nice enough person, Quin, your friends probably are too. If I somehow fuck up my most important relationships with actually normal people, you'll be the first to know."
Quinton sighed. "Do as thou wilt, I guess. Oh, and here's a lollipop."
***
"He wasn't lying, his blood actually did taste better! Shit, I hope this didn't awaken anything in me."
Otto got up off the couch. "TMIiiiiiiii."
Geoff joined Otto. "We have long since passed the point of TMI. This is our life now."
Awsten didn't join them.
After a few minutes of silently stewing in the kitchen, Geoff spoke up.
"Her old car is still in our driveway. But it's in Awsten's name only, so he's not gonna get in trouble if we trash it."
Otto stayed silent.
"And she wasn't going to want it back anyway. It'll be cathartic for all of us."
"What, we're going to help him graduate from the Carrie Underwood School of Getting Back At Your Cheating Ex?" Otto asked.
"I'd prefer 'Before He Cheats' over 'Hit 'Em Up Style' and either of those two over what Awsten actually did." [3]
Otto put a toothpick in his mouth, mulling over Geoff's proposal.
"I mean, I feel like punching something that's not going to have to deal with the consequences of my actions too, so...sure, why not? It's what he should have done to begin with, really."
Geoff nodded. "Awsten's not going to like it, but I'm gonna be blasting the Street Fighter II bonus stage music all the way there. That's how I choose to be petty." [4]
"You are the salt of the earth, Geoff."