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i.
It’s just that one second they’re lying side-by-side inside the Red Lion and everything is fine, and the next Lance lets out a long sigh and nothing is okay.
Keith’s eyes don’t move from the ceiling but he can hear Lance start tapping his fingers nervously in rapid rhythm. His breath comes faster yet harder, his left knee begins to shake. Lance does this kind of thing when he’s anxious. After all this time in space with him Keith has learned to watch for the signs, but he’s never directly confronted him about it because that’s not the kind of person he is and they don’t have that kind of relationship but -
“It’s not over, is it?”
Well, no , it never is, and that explains some of the anxiety, but that’s not news , either. Keith hums delicately in response. It’s non-committal, but enough for Lance to continue.
“Aren’t you tired, Keith?”
And yeah, he is, but he’s not good at this kind of conversation, so he stays silent this time around.
“Yeah,” Lance sighs, barely audible against Red’s gentle, background hum. “So am I.”
ii.
It wasn’t always this way.
Before their return to Earth, before space, really, before they knew what the world Galra meant -
He’d catch Lance staring at him from the other side of the Garrison, sometimes. If he’d bothered to ask, he knows Lance would’ve bluffed, would’ve made up some excuse like I’m just scoping out the competition, you know, one day I’m going to be a fighter pilot too -
and if he’d asked, he’d know Lance had been just ever-so-slightly disappointed that he doesn’t get to show Keith his victory.
Later, too, during and after Shiro’s rescue, he can tell Lance isn’t opposed to Keith’s presence. It’s a delicate balance between them, then, weighing more than just Shiro between them as they make their way out of the base.
And then, well, Lance found Blue.
See, Keith is all looks like there’s a force field around it and distrustful and checking the defenses, looking for weapons, half of him sure they can turn this into some kind of weapon and the other half sure it’s about to attack.
But Lance, Lance is sure the eyes are totally following me and he sees the personality, he looks deeper than the exterior and knows just what to do and in that moment, in the passion deep in his crystal eyes he’s proven himself to Blue and Keith, somehow at the same time.
When Keith found Red for the first time, it was in the midst of chaos. He was sure he was about to die - he was about to die - before the jaws snatched him up in a moment of alright, okay, I suppose this one will do.
But Lance - Lance is all heart, and so is Blue, and it’s so, so perfect.
iii.
Lance almost dies a hundred times over when they reach space.
They all figure that would change a person but it never does, never seems to affect his psyche deeper than a few minor abrasions.
Every time, Hunk smiles and laughs, yells that Lance is just that tough, then mutters some worry in Spanish when nobody is listening. Pidge is somewhat the same; so busy with tech upgrades and equations that only Hunk has a chance to comprehend, she expresses her gratitude towards Lance, then carries on, because she figures they don’t have to worry about Lance. None of them do; not even Shiro, not when he knows everything will carry on as usual.
Yet -
Lance almost dies a hundred times over when they reach space, and Keith is sure that’s got to change a person, but it never does.
iv.
Sometimes, Keith will see Lance stare at Allura for too long at a time.
What’s that all about? Got a crush? he’ll ask, because it’s none of his business.
You know me, Lance will reply, playing into the stereotypes he’s built around himself.
And yeah, Keith does know him, and that’s how he knows he stares at Allura with anger, with blame, blame for sending them all up here in the first place.
v.
He doesn’t blame Allura, not in the slightest.
Her people are dead. She needs revenge, she needs to complete her family’s mission. She needs to do the right thing. He would do that same thing.
But - they’re kids.
They’re kids who didn’t get a chance to say no, and that’s -
well. That explains a lot.
vi.
The Blue Lion is supposed to represent stability - at least, that’s what Keith understands it to be, and he thinks Lance takes some pride in that. Through everything, he’s stable, he’s loyal, he’s someone his friends can count on.
They’ve been everywhere in the universe, and Keith knows with certainty that kind of person is rare.
Blue’s not responding!
And Keith would stop and talk Lance through this crisis because he can’t imagine his Lion straight up ignoring him, not talking at all that’d be - that feeling of rejection, he can’t fathom, but he’s kind of in the middle of a battle right now and Lance is fine he’s always fine he’ll be fine
right?
The Blue Lion is supposed to represent stability, and the Red Lion is supposed to be impulsive. Good in a fight, sure, a good second in command - but anxious, fast-paced, and impulsive.
And Red wants Lance as her pilot.
It’s not that - if Keith has to be the one to pilot the Black Lion then yeah, of course he trusts Lance to be the second, by his side the whole time, advising him on the best action to take. It’s what he did for Shiro, and it’s what he needs now. But Lance -
After everything Lance has become anxious, fast-paced and impulsive and that’s -
Keith understands how a person can become that way. It happened to him, after all, but he likes to think he’s moved past it all but. He doesn’t want that for Lance. He doesn’t want that for anyone.
vii.
I love flying Red, I do, but it’s not the same.
What feels wrong to you?
She doesn’t respond the same way. She’s probably able to tell.
Able to tell what?
That I don’t want to be there.
viii.
And after all that, they get to Earth again, and it’s the same thing as space except now they have gravity.
Lance! Lance, please respond, Lance come in!
“What happened out there?” Keith asks, much later, when they’re somewhat but not completely safe.
Lance is silent for a long, long time, uncharacteristically so. Then, “It was the end. I was going to die.”
“You didn’t, though.”
“But I was going to, Keith! I knew it, and I - I accepted that. I didn’t try to stop it.”
The chill that goes through Keith’s bones is so intense he doesn’t ask for clarification. He doesn’t want to understand what happened to the boy he used to know, the boy whose crystal eyes looked up at the Blue Lion in awe rather than fear. He doesn’t want to know where that boy went because he doesn’t want to admit that he’s gone.
They’re gone.
ix.
Keith visits Lance in the hospital, briefly, sneaking into his room because technically, he’s not yet allowed to leave his own.
“We did it,” Lance whispers when he sees him.
“Yeah.”
“We finally did it.”
It’s in this moment the innocence and vulnerability is back in his demeanour and suddenly they’re sixteen years old again, fifteen maybe, and Keith is catching his glances in the Garrison and everything’s fine.
x.
And now they’re here, lying in Red’s jaws because both of them found a home here, Keith out of obligation and Lance out of necessity.
But, still, a home is a home.
“Aren’t you tired, Keith?”
Of course I am. How could I not be? How could I not be so, so tired of always doing the right thing? Of always showing up? Of always being here, no matter what? That’s what he could say.
Instead, he mildly agrees, because that’s what Lance needs right now.
“Yeah. So am I.”
“You know,” Keith says, cautiously, carefully, “One day, we’ll get to rest.”
Lance laughs, and it’s the best sound Keith’s heard in years.
“Yeah. One day, maybe.”
One day, maybe, but for now they can stay where they are and for a moment, pretend that their biggest worry is competing for the best scores in fighter pilot simulations.
For now, that’s the best Keith can offer, because he’s so, so tired.
epitaph -
What do you think would have happened if Blue hadn’t responded to me?
Well, I think we’d all be a lot happier.
Yeah. Maybe. But it’d all be for the wrong reasons.
Lance is all heart, and for now, it’s still beating. That’s all anyone can ask.