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V wasn’t sure when it occurred to him that the best person to give the rest of Rika’s things to was Yoosung.
He supposed it happened when he’d seen pictures of her with him, littered amongst Rika’s very little worldly possessions. It may have happened when he couldn’t stand the thought of having her things deposited into some charity store, or worse, left to rot in some dark place somewhere.
Even now, he could barely bring himself to part with them.
That said, he knew he had to heal, and though he wasn’t sure where to start or even if that were possible for him at this point, it meant re-arranging her apartment for MC’s comfort and ease of mind.
He hadn’t actually stepped a foot into the apartment, at that. MC had met him at the front door with a few boxes, and V spared a thought to how thankful he was that he hadn’t had to go inside.
As he placed them into the car, she’d asked him if he was ok. They all asked that these days, and he offered her a small smile and re-assured her that yes, he was fine. More than fine these days, as everyone seemed to know (and that was definitely because of Saeyoung) that he knew Hyun and Jumin a little more intimately than most.
He was grateful for their company, their support, and their own weird but very certain ways of expressing love.
He was also more than thankful for the entirety of the RFA, who continued to emotionally prop up V in ways he hadn’t realised he’d needed.
Without them, he didn’t know where he’d be.
It’d been a while since everything had metaphorically exploded in V’s face, all of his secrets coming to a very brash and open light, and yet, the RFA still loved and cared for him. Hyun had very openly expressed his...distaste for Rika, and Jumin had been very solemn when surveying all the damage that had occured since.
V’s eyesight wasn’t quite the same, and wouldn’t be for a long time, even if he had eventually taken steps to have the surgery needed to repair some of the issues left behind by Rika’s fury.
Everyone thought that V was mending, slowly but surely, even though he took careful steps to retain his privacy and keep his remaining secrets intact. That sometimes meant smiling when it felt like it took all of his energy to do so.
Rika hadn’t passed on from this world, but V felt that, in some strange way, she had. Certainly, she had gone to a better place suited for her, and that was an institution far away from here, far away from V and the RFA where she could be helped and maybe she, herself, could heal.
He hoped she could. He wanted that for her.
So here he was, at Yoosung’s door, hoping to some degree that their relationship, which he had only just begun to fix (amongst the many things V intended to fix), wouldn’t be damaged by his showing up with Rika’s things. Yoosung was hurting too. V wanted to make sure he didn’t worsen that. He wanted him to be happy, maybe find solace in the discarded things she had left behind.
Yoosung opened the door with a surprised expression, despite knowing that V was going to do this. That surprise settled into a warmer, if not more nervous, look.
“You can come in!” He offers, and V can’t help but smile.
Sometimes, he forgets that Yoosung is the youngest of the group. He’d gotten taller since they’d last seen each other, and he almost matched V in height now. He’d soon be taller than his boyfriend, Saeyoung, which no doubt, Saeyoung would love.
They were sweet together.
V enters his apartment, and Yoosung quickly busies himself with making tea, whilst he places the box on the nearby table, very gently.
When Yoosung returns with tea, after passing V a cup, he looks to the cardboard walls housing Rika’s things.
“Are, uh...are the rest in the car?”
“There’s a few more, but not many,” V replies, trying not to sound strained as he does.
Yoosung’s face falls a little, and Jihyun quickly jumps in to reassure him. He wants to smooth away the sadness there with kindness, as much as he can offer.
“It’s all yours, I promise, I haven’t taken anything for myself,” He tries to smile, but he must have looked like a wounded animal because Yoosung’s brow furrows.
“Why not?”
“It’s...very complicated,”
“Is it another secret?” Yoosung asks brazenly, face falling even more. Of course, Yoosung is still hurt over the secrets kept from him in the first place, and V can’t blame him for harbouring some distrust still.
“No, I-...” Jihyun begins, unsure of where to start with this. He wants to tell Yoosung everything. He knows he deserves this response, but he wants to fix it nonetheless. For Yoosung.
V pauses, looking over her things and sighing.
“Yoosung, it’s...difficult to explain what it’s like to love someone like I loved Rika,” He tries again.
“I love Saeyoung,”
“It’s similar, but Rika was…” He struggles to find the words, not because he doesn’t know how to, but because he can’t bare his own truth when he speaks it. “Rika was like the sun. She was bright and wonderful, but whenever I came too close, she burned me,” He swallows. “But I went back again, and again, and again, because I couldn’t see the shadows she cast around me. All I saw was this beautiful intensity that I wanted so badly to be a part of, but in doing so, all I did was let her hurt me, and worse, the people I cared about,”
His fists clench a little. They’re shaking. Yoosung looks surprised again, but there’s a hint of sympathy in his eyes.
“Why?” He asks, again, softer this time.
“Because I loved her,” He can’t stop the words this time. He’s not angry, but his body is trembling, and Yoosung’s eyes widen. “God, Yoosung, I loved her so much.”
The cup that held his tea clatters to the floor and V brings a hand up to his lips. “I did so many terrible things,” He begins and his voice hitches. “I couldn’t-...I tried to stop-, no, that isn’t right, it was my fault,”
“Oh shit,” Yoosung mouths, the profanity sounding strange on his tongue as he reaches for his phone. “Oh God, I didn’t think this would happen,” He fumbles with the phone, already opening up his texts and sending a quick group one en masse. When he looks up afterwards, V is already on his knees, trying hard to bring the broken shards of the cup together.
“No, no, V, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you!” Yoosung drops down with him, and V is crying, and he can’t seem to stop.
He tries to hold the shards in his hand and how profound that he would choose now to talk about the fragments of his mind, barely holding it together, whilst cupping the tiny pieces of the cup from the floor.
“I’m sorry,” He attempts, letting Yoosung take the broken shards from him carefully to place them in a nearby trash can. “I’m so sorry,” His voice is a choked whisper.
“V, it’s okay-,”
“It isn’t,” He brings a hand to his mouth. “I thought, for so long, that I was doing the right thing, because I thought I was meant to, because I believed in her above anyone else,”
“V-,"
“I’m so sorry,” His hand slides up to his face, covering his eyes and the wetness that welled up there, still knelt upon the floor with Yoosung, who looked more uncomfortable and helpless than he ever had in his entire life.
There’s some sort of bang resembling a hurried knock upon Yoosung’s front door, and Yoosung springs to his feet.
When he pulls his front door open, Hyun is stood there, looking more than a little windswept and exactly like he’d ridden all the way there without a helmet on.
“V!” He clambers over, bypassing Yoosung who shared the same worried look that Hyun wore, and Hyun lowers himself next to V almost gracelessly, red eyes level with his.
“Hyun, did you ride all the way here without your bike gear?” He laughs and it’s a strange, choked up sound, wiping furiously at his eyes. Everything looks a little akin to a blur now and he’s trying to sound a little less broken at this point. For Hyun’s sake.
“That is so far from what we should be talking about right now,” Zen responds and doesn’t sound even a little bit annoyed. He sounds so worried.
V spares a moment to think about how he doesn’t at all deserve that level of care, and tries to pull himself together, to no avail. Hyun takes a look at the box sitting on Yoosung’s table and sighs to himself.
“Those her things?”
V nods. “What’s left of it,” He feels the words bubbling in the back of his throat, threatening to overspill. “Please, understand, I’m not...only upset at having to sort through her belongings, as if she’d died,” He pauses, for his own good more than anyone else’s. “I’m upset at what I let myself become. I’m upset that I let myself hurt everyone I care about, and I’m upset that it’s all my fault, and I’m sorry,” He feels his voice waver. “I can never be sorry enough, Hyun, Yoosung,”
Hyun waves one hand almost wildly, like he’s trying to wave the very thoughts in V’s mind away.
“Let’s stop this right here. You didn’t hurt people, V, okay? She did, sure-” He turns to Yoosung briefly, taking his gaze away from V and giving him a small moment to try and pull himself back together again. “-sorry, dude, but Rika hurt a lot of people. Shit, look at Saeran. But you,” He turns back to V again, eyes understanding. “You did your best. She had a fucking cult, V, how’s anyone supposed to go up against that? You tried, and we know, okay? We all know.”
V opens and closes his mouth.
Just like that, Hyun had taken a small chunk out of the monster of guilt that weighed down on V’s chest. For now, the beast that had threatened to completely overwhelm him had been soothed, and with it came a new kind of emotion that V couldn’t quite place, but he knew that a modicum of gratitude laced it.
The tears spill down his cheeks once more, and as he goes to speak, to say some kind of thanks (and thanks would never really truly cover it, not really), when a more curt but still quick knock comes from Yoosung’s open door.
Yoosung side steps for Jumin to enter, and V only just notices that Yoosung has likely been on his phone the whole time just to update everyone else on his current state, and that guilt of burdening the others returns a little.
Jumin’s brow furrows visibly, and he looks pointedly at Hyun.
“What did you do to him?”
And that breaks some of the tension, easing V into another laugh that caught in his throat. Of course, Jumin likely already knew the situation from Yoosung’s texts, but the comment was so very typical of his childhood friend that he couldn’t help but laugh.
V could almost predict the indignant look on Hyun’s face before the tears cleared enough for him to see it. That brought another small, shaky laugh itself, because of course Hyun would rise to it. It was them, and it was a small comfort in the mess he had become.
“You know what happened! Why the fuck are you accusing me of it?”
Yoosung finally speaks, voice still high-pitched and uncomfortable but finally on ground he can deal with.
“Guys, please, not now!”
“It’s ok,” V manages out, finally. There’s a watery element to his smile, but it’s a smile nonetheless. “Honestly, it’s ok. I...had my moment,”
“No, it’s something that needs further conversation.” Jumin offers in what V knows well as an attempt at being helpful. Jumin knows just as deeply as Jihyun does that this is a subject that needs to be temporarily closed in a way that wouldn’t let it fester, as wounds tended to.
V wants to say that he doesn’t attempt to protest, but as his mouth opens, Jumin shakes his head.
“We’ll need more tea.”
“I can do that! I can do that,” Yoosung repeated, almost tripping over himself in his haste to probably make himself feel useful. V felt another wave of guilt that he had come to Yoosung’s home, when their relationship was still in its youth again, just to break down on his kitchen floor. He had made Yoosung feel uncomfortable in his own home.
“I’m sorry, Yoosung. I really am fine now,”
Neither Hyun nor Jumin looked fooled. They wouldn’t let this end so easily, because they were both of them kind people. It was a kindness V felt selfish accepting. After all he had done, all he had let Rika do and they were here, offering comfort and support in spite of it.
“I promise I’ll replace your cup,”
“It’s fine. I can handle the cup,” Jumin waves away V’s comment easily, placing a hand on V’s shoulder.
Now, that surprised him, just a little. Jumin’s attempts at displays of physical affection were rare, though he and Hyun likely saw them more than most. The hand was a comforting presence that definitely grounded him.
“Guys, I’m really not mad about the cup,” Yoosung defended, sounding slightly pouty as he went about making more tea. It seemed they were settling in for the long haul.
“And even if you were, it’s easily replaceable.” Jumin quipped back, and V brought his hand up to touch his.
His other hand found Hyun’s, and squeezed.
“Thank you,” He managed out.
He felt Hyun squeeze back slightly, face still fixed in a soft smile. He may have been an extremely talented actor, but there was no way to fake the understanding and kindness in his eyes.
It was overwhelming in its own way, to have all this attention and compassion poured out to him.
“Hey, don’t mention it,” Hyun reassured, trying to shift himself so he was sitting next to V without letting go of his hand. He didn’t quite make it, but V appreciated the closeness all the same. “Pretty sure you’ve done this for me more than once.”
“I would do it again every day if I had to,” V said, softly.
“Well there you go then, your turn today,” Hyun nodded at Jumin as he spoke, and while it was definitely nice to see the two of them show solidarity on something, V could see a slight warning in Hyun’s eyes.
He knew they would be bickering again before long. He didn’t mind it at all - the normality of it all would be welcome.
“So it is,” And V tried to laugh again, feeling himself relax, just a little, in their presence.
Maybe this was something he could do; talk to them about the things that had been plaguing him since their time with Rika had come to an abrupt conclusion. He could trust that they would still care for him, and he could learn that he deserved the love they so willingly gave.
In time, V would heal.
And he would do it with the love and guidance of the people he cared about.