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"also, woojin-ah..."
at hyungseob's voice, jihoon smiles bitterly. he shakes his head, looking away from the stage because he just knows that woojin is smiling right now -- and it's not the kind of smile that makes his heart flutter, not anymore. it's rather painful to see. he's happy for woojin; he really is, woojin finally rose up in the rankings and even got first place in their team. he deserves the recognition, but what hurts jihoon is the fact that he can't tell woojin how he really feels about him, and how much he is happy for him... because it's too late.
jihoon dryly laughs as he thinks about it, he could only give woojin a fucking thumbs-up; friendly gesture, no harm, he's sure hyungseob wouldn't mind.
"jihoon-ssi, are you okay?" jihoon hears dongsu ask, and thank god he did or else jihoon would have had no choice but to hear whatever hyungseob has to tell woojin. "ah... yes hyung, i'm alright. i think i need to go to the bathroom though." he fakes a smile in which dongsu nods in response. before excusing himself, jihoon looked up at the stage where the only person who knew of his secret looked back at him. jinyoung frowns and subtly shakes his head, and jihoon understands that jinyoung doesn't want him to cry because he knows he looks like he's about to. he can't stop himself, even when's trying, he just feels really really really shitty.
the staff lets him take a bathroom break, saying that the actual break is coming soon anyways. jihoon appreciates this but he doesn't have the energy to smile widely anymore. he hurriedly enters the bathroom cubicle and shuts the door, trying his best not to make any sounds as tears fall from his eyes. he can't describe the pain in his heart but it really hurts -- to see the person you love being so happy with someone else, when you could've been the reason for that happiness if you were only brave enough.
he could remember all the times he tried to let woojin know he liked him, and how he miserably failed because he was afraid;
when they were waiting for the last member to join get ugly, jihoon didn't expect that it would be woojin -- like how he didn't expect he would eventually fall in love with the boy.
it started when jihoon learnt more about woojin and his passion for dancing; how happy he is when he finally fits the pieces together for the choreography, and how patient he is with teaching the moves to the members. he didn't get annoyed one bit if they couldn't get the dance move right, instead he would do his best to help them out.
one time, jihoon could not get how he has to do his part with seongwoo. samuel or daniel could have helped explaining it to him but it was woojin who extended his hand despite guiding hyungseob at that time, and it was one of the few moments he felt important to someone.
jihoon watched as woojin executed the move perfectly, making the latter chuckle. "why do you look so shocked?" he asked in between soft laughters. "because i can't just do that... that... move..." jihoon found himself stuttering with a heated face because he realized it was so easy to do... popping is literally his strength. embarrassing jihoon, you're embarrassing, he mentally remarked.
"hey, don't fool me. i know you're good, try it." a forced seoul accent broke his thoughts and he wished that he didn't look at the owner of the voice when he said this because woojin was smiling... and right there, jihoon just knew he was going to be fucked up. his heart was hammering against his chest only because of one reason; park goddamn woojin.
he knew he had to tell at least someone what he felt, so he ran to bae jinyoung. he was the only person jihoon trusted, and he knew he was worthy to be trusted because jinyoung also told him his secret -- funny, they both liked brand new music trainees. "you... you like him? oh my god, oh my god!" jinyoung whisper-screamed, having jihoon slap his hand over his best friend's mouth. "shut up! people are gonna hear you."
it was how practicing for the position evaluation went; with jihoon dying at every little interaction he has with woojin and jinyoung screaming his heart out at the cuteness of it. jihoon was so happy that jinyoung was supportive and he was also happy that jinyoung's getting closer with daehwi.
not long after, jihoon also became closer with woojin but not in the way he expected;
BoA came to their dorm and brought them pizza, making everyone excited including jihoon. because he was too engulfed with the idea of having pizza, he didn't realize he had his arms wrapped around woojin's, whilst jumping bubbly. he quickly took his arms back once he noticed but woojin looked at him with a puzzled expression. "what's wrong?"
"what do you mean 'what's wrong'?" jihoon shot back, also confused. "you were just clinging onto me seconds ago, did i do something wrong?"
what the fuck. jihoon's mouth was agape which probably caused woojin to put his hands between jihoon's cheeks. it really wasn't helping but jihoon coulnd't complain, especially when he cued "we will get that pizza, okay?"
he wanted to die.
but that lone action was also one of the reasons why jihoon fell more, and broke apart even more.
jihoon should've at least had a hunch, or should have noticed sooner but he was too busy with his own little world named park woojin that he completely ignored hyungseob's lovesick eyes. anyone in the room could tell hyungseob was in love with woojin -- well except jihoon at first, and jinyoung, who had no idea at all. "don't worry, it's not like woojin hyung likes him back, you told me he puts his attention to you most of the time." jinyoung tried to look at the brighter side which convinced jihoon. however, it still affected him.
"what am i going to do, jinyoung? i'm afraid." he said truthfully. "what is there to be afraid of?"
"losing the chance?" jinyoung could only sigh, but even so, jihoon was grateful for him.
they were down to the last few days of practice when daniel suggested they take this time to polish their own moves by themselves and then practice as a group afterwards. woojin thought it was a great idea and even said that he'd go around to make sure they were all practicing the correct way of presenting the moves.
jihoon knew he didn't need any more fixing to do but when woojin came around, he just wanted him to stay a little bit more.
and so he pretended he couldn't do the final steps well.
they've been doing the same set for the past 10 minutes and woojin was patient enough to go through all of it again and again. "okay, i'll watch you do it once and then i'll go." he eventually stated, moving back so he could see jihoon's full image. then, just like jihoon's plan, he purposely missed some beats and finished with a worried look. woojin just smiled as he told him, "jihoon-ah, i believe that you can do it if you keep practicing. so just practice, alright? i have to teach hyungseob-"
"wait."
woojin was about to leave but he stopped in his tracks, turning to jihoon.
"can you please... stay? just watch until i get it?"
but even jihoon himself knew it was stupid to ask woojin to stay; to pretend he didn't know the steps in the first place, to like someone at this time of the competition, to bet his feelings versus hyungseob's; because hyungseob... he was bold, he wasn't afraid unlike jihoon, he always showed woojin how much he cared for him and maybe by jihoon asking woojin to stay, he's intruding whatever there was between them.
so he waved his hand off, telling woojin to not mind what he said and adding, "hyungseob needs you more than i do." and maybe hyungseob really did, and maybe woojin deserved someone like hyungseob.
it was a pill that was hard to swallow, but if jihoon only had the courage, he would have been the one making woojin smille.
he forced himself to get over it, thinking of it as a ‘phase’ when he knows it wasn’t just a fucking phase because every time he saw woojin, he wanted to be with him — he wanted to hold his hand, to hug him, to eat with him, drink with him, laugh with him, love him, kiss him... but he could only look at him because he eventually found out that woojin was already dating hyungseob, and even when woojin got first place for their team, all he could do was say “congratulations, woojin!”
a loud knock on the door made jihoon snap back into reality, he wiped his cheeks with tissues and stepped out of the cubicle to be greeted by the person he expects the least to be there.
fate sure does enjoy fooling people into thinking they’re destined to be with each other when they’re only bound to cross paths.
“have you been crying? hey, jihoon-ah... look at me.” jihoon doesn’t want to look up, because he knows that the moment he would lock eyes with the person in front of him, he would only breakdown. “woojin, please... just go-”
“no. i watched you leave a while ago and i was worried, so please tell me why you’re crying, are you afraid you’d get eliminated? you won’t– you did really really well, hoon.” woojin pulled jihoon close to him and embraced him as he said this, and jihoon couldn’t help but cry because woojin is so oblivious that he’s the reason why he’s hurting and he’s the one holding him right now — at his most vulnerable state.
jihoon wishes they could stay like this, but the hears the door swing open from behind him and woojin immediately unwraps his arms around jihoon.
“oh babe, i was looking for you. anything wrong here?”
jihoon turns around and smiles at hyungseob, “i was just crying about the eliminations while your boyfriend just watched me.” he knows that woojin broke off the hug because hyungseob would’ve misunderstood it, and even though it’s unfair for jihoon to feel like that, he wants woojin to have a happy relationship with hyungseob.
he can always admire him from afar.