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Published: September 13, 2015
Everywhere Hide looks, someone else's face has been smudged or shadowed over. He can't recognize anyone, but there is one figure he would never mistake; it’s Kaneki. The raven haired boy's back was to Hide. When the blond reaches his friend and spins him around, Kaneki is crying with blood splattered all over him.
"Hide, help me," Kaneki whimpers.
There are tears running down his face.
With a yelp, Hide takes a step back. Moisture hits his palms. It has a warm and sticky consistency between his fingers. The blond's eyes drift down to his hands. He, himself, is literally red handed.
"Hide, why aren’t you doing anything? You’re just going to stand there?” Kaneki's voice cracks.
Hide looks back up at his friend, afraid of what he’ll see. His heart stops. Before him is a blood drenched boy with white hair and unmistakable silver eyes. His face is void of all emotion. When their eyes meet, there’s not a single spark of recognition nor affection in those pools of silver.
Hide wants to reach out to Kaneki, he wants to say his name, but his voice isn’t working. Try, he might, but his body isn't responding to him. Saying nothing seems to have angered Kaneki. The half-ghoul growls and cracks a knuckle.
"Why didn't you help me, Hide? You promised me that you would always be there for me," The wounds Kaneki had previously are beginning to heal. "Where were you, Hide? It hurt a lot. I'm broken because of you. My mind is a mess because of you.”
Hide can only cry as he watches the already broken boy's soul turn into dust. Kaneki's pupils shrink while a sinister smile spreads across his face.
"Hey, Hide, I learned some new tricks during my time of torture," The ghoul cracks his knuckle again. The sound makes Hide mentally wince. “Did you know that twisting your ankle in literal terms can feel so good after it twists back into place? Huh? Did you, Hide? It’s like taking ecstasy."
Kaneki is swaying and stumbling around while chuckling to himself. His fingers tap around in the air from fidgety nerves. The half-ghoul creeps towards the human.
"Hey, Hide, what's a thousand minus seven?" Kaneki is grunting in pain, but that smile never leaves his face. “Tell me.”
Kaneki stops and screams as a centipede looking kagune thrashes from the ghoul’s back. An ominous looking mask shrouds the ghoul's face. It makes the smile even more unsettling.
“What's a thousand minus seven, Hide?"
Hide still can’t talk. Can’t move. He’s frozen where he stands as a dangerous being stalks towards him.
“Why would you let me become this?!" Kaneki shrieks before shooting his centipede kagune towards Hide. "I thought I could count on you! Why did you abandon me?! You made me a monster."
Hide cries out and shrieks as he wakes up from the nightmare. His breath is ragged with his heart hammering painfully in his chest. He gulps saliva down from the nerves. Hide’s whole body is drenched in cold sweat that’s soaked into his clothes and bed sheets. His blond hair clings to his face and neck, but Hide runs his fingers through it in an attempt to calm himself down. It’s the same dream that’s haunted him since the day Kaneki left. It wasn’t always this bad, but once Hide discovered everything that’s happened to Kaneki, he spends most nights avoiding sleep. He’ll drink an extra cup of coffee or pretend to be asleep and sneak out of bed when he hears Kaneki’s snores. The blond refuses to dream about what he’s let Kaneki become.
Hide just sits there sobbing silently with his face in his hands. He tries like everything to not shake the bed with his movements, but the trembling is getting hard to mask. A soft grumble makes Hide jump. The faint brush of fingertips caresses Hide's exposed skin. The human looks down at the source of all his regrets and pain. The beautiful man before him. His best friend and lover, Kaneki, fast asleep next to him; white hair covering his eyes.
'I'm glad I didn't wake him up this time.' Hide thinks to himself. He’s running out of excuses to tell Kaneki.
The blond runs his fingers through his hair again before letting out a long sigh.
'I thought I could count on you.' The words whisper in Hide's head. His shame will never let him find peace. He can never run from his greatest mistake. He should’ve been there for Kaneki. He should’ve confronted his best friend when he stopped coming to school. He should’ve-
He can play this “should’ve” game forever, but it won’t change the past. What’s done is done, and Hide fucked up. He encouraged that date. He knew she was trouble and yet he didn’t say anything. Kaneki has to hate him or pity him or both.
Tears pool in Hide’s brown eyes and fall. The human lets out pained and distressed whimpers. His self loathing is incredibly high tonight. Higher than any sky, any star. He doesn’t know how to make the bad thoughts go away. He never does. They sit there and fester and fester, eating away at his mind. It’s a surprise Hide’s survives this long. There’s another mumble and a nose and forehead are smooshed into his thigh.
Hide looks back down and bites his lip. The half-ghoul drapes an arm around Hide’s leg and nips at the skin affectionately. The blond smiles fondly. Kaneki will do that occasionally while they sleep or snuggle, though it’s usually on the neck or shoulder. It’s Kaneki’s unconscious self-assuring action. To make sure that Hide is still in his arms. That it isn’t a dream he’s in.
Hide strokes the white hair out of his boyfriend’s face.
“How could you ever love someone like me?” Hide whispers before sliding down carefully in the sheets.
The blond scoots close into Kaneki's arms and gives him a chaste kiss. Hide rests his forehead on the ghoul’s shoulder and fills his mind with Kaneki's scent and radiating body heat. The blond can feel his hair being messed with by Kaneki's breathing. It produces an itchy sensation on his scalp, but Hide doesn’t dare move to scratch it. The human sighs in relief and satisfaction as his storming mind quiets down. He drapes his left arm over Kaneki's side, and buries his face into Kaneki's chest. Within a matter of minutes, Hide falls back into a restless sleep.
Once Kaneki hears the evenly paced breaths from Hide, the half ghoul knows that his blond has drifted back to sleep.
“You idiot,” Kaneki sighs.
He cards his fingers through Hide's blond locks while placing light kisses against the side of Hide's head. This doesn’t happen every night, but when it does, Hide becomes so shaken up that he refuses to sleep until his body can’t handle it anymore and shuts down. Each and every time he has a nightmare, and Hide cries out Kaneki's name desperately, only breaks more of the ghoul's heart. Just like tonight.
Hide will scream things like, "I'm sorry! Kaneki, I'm sorry!" and "I didn't know! I promise!" or "Don't leave! I can still help! I'm sorry!"
Kaneki clings to the blond, holding him securely so he can feel every twitch the human makes. He hopes that whatever Hide dreams, the man will sense Kaneki right there with him. The fact that Hide believes he needs to apologize to Kaneki is so mind boggling. As if he has anything to apologize for! Hide deserves every bit of gratitude.
The half ghoul rubs small circles into the blond's back and murmurs comforting words against Hide's hair. Anytime Hide wanted to turn over, Kaneki kept him in place. If Hide wakes up in terror again, the first thing he needs to see is Kaneki, know he’s safe and loved.
The thing that bugs Kaneki the most is how Hide smiles and laughs it off when Kaneki tries to talk to Hide about it. Hide's been holding this storm inside and it's really taking a toll on the blond. There are times he won’t eat. He’ll pick up way too many shifts at work. Stay up at ungodly hours. He doesn’t want to be left alone with his thought for even a second.
In the middle of Kaneki running his fingers back up to the top of Hide's head, the blond stirs.
"Kaneki?" Hide asks with a broken voice.
Kaneki doesn’t respond. The half-ghoul just smiles gently.
“Did I wake you?” Kaneki asks after the momentary silence. Hide shakes his head.
“Not really.”
Hide rubs his eyes with the back of his hand. Even in the dark, Kaneki can make out dark circles under the human's eyes. Hide is still suffering from the previous night terror. Hide's trembling body is a dead giveaway to that fact.
"What are you doing up?" Hide asks the half-ghoul. He doesn’t process the situation entirely. Hide doesn’t realize that Kaneki was awake throughout the whole episode Hide had, but it is connecting little by little. When it finally all came together, Hide looks up at Kaneki with wide eyes. Silver meeting bronze. "Kaneki, I-“
"I love you," Kaneki says never breaking eye contact.
Hide is blushing lightly at Kaneki's abrupt confession. This isn't a new thing between them, but Kaneki isn't usually this direct. This isn't just a confession though. Kaneki wants Hide to understand that Kaneki never blamed himonce. That he never will.
"I love you." Kaneki holds Hide closer. The half-ghoul rubs his thumb soothingly against the back of Hide's head. "So much. I love you so so much."
Hide's steel wall of emotions is beginning to crack, and the ghoul can see that. He can see Hide's eyes beginning to glisten. Kaneki nuzzles his face in Hide's hair. The hand on Hide's head slides down the back of the blond's neck and traces patterns on the human’s skin. The other arm is holding Hide securely to him by the human's waist.
"Kaneki, where is all this coming from?" Hide's voice wavers. The tremble in Hide's lower lip, evident.
"Hide, I love you. You saved me. You continue to save me. Thank you, Hide. Thank you for being there for me through it all," The ghoul tucks Hide's head under his chin. He wants to spare the human's pride when he cries.
"Kaneki, I'm so," Kaneki can feel water rolling down his neck.
“Don’t you dare tell me you’re sorry,” Kaneki narrows his eyes.
“But-“
"Shhh, you don't have anything to be sorry for. You saved me, Hide. You saved me," Kaneki keeps chanting. “I’ll say it however many times it takes to get it through that thick head of yours. You saved me.”
This goes on for a while. Hide sobs into Kaneki's chest while Kaneki whispers praises and love into Hide's skin. When Hide's body begins to calm down from the spine breaking shudders, Kaneki pulls his face away to look at his beloved boyfriend.
There are fingers attached to Kaneki's shirt in a death grip. Hide’s so terrified of Kaneki disappearing again. When the ghoul moves his face back, Hide whimpers painfully.
"Hide," Kaneki whispered softly.
Hide looks up at the ghoul. His eyes are red and swollen. The blond's hair is sticking up in every which direction.
"Kaneki, I'm sorry I let you down. You went through so much. I-" Kaneki cuts Hide off by rubbing his thumb against Hide's lower lip.
"You never let me down. Not once. Not ever. Even when I wasn't aware of it, you still had my back," Kaneki's thumb slides down Hide's neck and pulls back the blond's shirt collar a bit. A faint, healing scar was visible on Hide's shoulder. From the time in the sewers. "And don't sell yourself short. You went through just as much pain too, and I was the one who abandoned you to it. I should be the one begging for forgiveness," Kaneki leans down to kiss the scar.
“I could never hold you accountable. None of my pain is your fault,” Hide argues.
“That’s where you’re very wrong. Thank you though. It’s a nice dream for me to have,” Kaneki chuckles sadly and hugs Hide entirely.
Hide holds Kaneki closer to him. He needs the reassurance desperately. He wants to know that everything is okay, but Hide feels selfish for wanting this of Kaneki.
"I'm sorry," Hide apologizes again, voice muffled by Kaneki’s chest. "For making you do this. I’m so pitiful."
"Don't ever think that, Hide. I'm happy when you let me help you. I don't like seeing you suffer, especially when you try to hide it. You always, always, take on my problems. You comfort me when I'm at my worst. You bring me back every time. Now, it's my turn to make you feel better,” Kaneki never looks away from Hide's gaze. A few stray tears left the blond's eyes.
"Kaneki,” Hide crumbled in Kaneki's embrace. "Kaneki. It hurts. Kaneki, it hurts so much."
"I know, Hide. I know. I'm here, though. I'm right here, so you don’t need to feel alone anymore," As if to make the words more powerful in their meaning, Kaneki nuzzles Hide's hair again then rests his forehead against the blond's. Their eyes are still locked on each other's. Kaneki whispers his lover's name again and again. "Hide."
Hide brushes his fingertips below Kaneki's left eye. Kaneki smiles and cups the side of Hide's face.
"I love you," Kaneki says and brings their lips together.
'It's my turn to take care of you, Hide.'