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---1---
It is one thing to know Revolver, Leader of The Knights of Hanoi, cyber terrorist, Playmaker's rival. It is another entirely to know Ryoken Kogami, the man behind the mask, the voice from 10 years ago.
Yusaku can't erase his crimes, the ones Ryoken committed behind the mask, he can't erase the guilt he must feel now, crushing him silently.
But after months of the Tower of Hanoi collapsing, when Yusaku stops to think about it, he really knows very little about Ryoken. And at the same time, it’s like they have known each other for years. Ten years of having his voice, his words, stuck in his mind, holding onto them for courage, wanting to find the person behind them, reach out and save him.
Yusaku is intent on them becoming friends, as he’d declared in their duel. But right now, even though they have teamed up, working together and keeping track of suspicious movements made by Sol Technologies or the newest appearances in Link Vrains, he’s not sure where they stand.
He’s impulsed to ask, because Ryoken hasn’t really said anything. They hang out often enough, but it’s mostly for work. Friends are supposed to know things about each other, right? Yusaku thinks he understands Ryoken on some level--something deeper he can’t explain, but does he really? He has put his trust in Ryoken, willing to bare himself open during their duel, knowing he can understand his own grievings.
But when it comes to the more basic things, he doesn’t know anything.
And maybe it shouldn’t bother him as much as it does but he’s-- curious , maybe a little anxious. He has this desire in his heart to be closer to Ryoken, the one person who can understand him, but he doesn’t know where to start. There’s not an abyss standing between them, but Ryoken himself has walls, keeping his distance despite everything, guarding his heart.
The day of their duel, when Yusaku had held him in his arms and heard his muffled crying against his head, felt him shaking as he held him through it, he'd seen him vulnerable, open, everything crashing down on him. That day, when they’d watched Stardust Road together and he’d taken Yusaku’s hand, smiling softly, it might have been the longest Yusaku got to glimpse to what’s underneath, to the sorrow, the pain he has to carry. To a quiet kindness Yusaku had always thought his once faceless voice would have.
Yusaku wants to break those walls; wants to know the man behind them, truly understand him.
He finds himself mulling over this very often when they are together, sitting outside Cafe Nagi, both with their laptops out and working silently. It’s never uncomfortable, but more and more Yusaku wants to break the silence, say or ask something.
One day he finally blurts the question out.
“...Are we friends?”
He hears the rhythmical sound of Ryoken typing on his laptop stop, the man turning to him with an incredulous look. “...You ask that now?”
“Is that a yes?”
“...I--I assumed, since…” It’s rare to see Ryoken struggle with words, hands rising to gesture vaguely in the air. “You. You said you wanted us to be friends, didn’t you?”
“Yes, but are we?”
“Oh my GOD .” Ai suddenly pops up from Yusaku’s duel disk, laughing and shaking his head. He puts the back of his hand to his forehead, bending himself backwards and batting his eyes at Yusaku. “You cradled him in your arms at sunset--” Ryoken coughs subtly at this. “And now you ask if you are friends ?”
“I mean.” Yusaku unconsciously fiddles with his jacket’s sleeve, feeling perhaps a little embarrassed. “Does it work like that?”
Ryoken looks confused. “What do you mean?”
“If I say we are friends…” He tilts his head. “Are we? Is it that simple? Friendship should be a mutual agreement.”
“I…” Ryoken gazes up in thought, hand tugging a little at a strand of hair. “I don’t think It’s something we agree on one day, it merely... happens .” He looks back at Yusaku. “Without us noticing. Or rather...I suppose it’s up to each of us to define it for ourselves.”
Yusaku cups his chin in his hand, humming. “I see.” He stares at Ryoken long and hard for a moment. “...Am I a friend to you then?”
Ryoken seems caught off guard by the question, eyes widening a fraction. Something crosses his gaze, something Yusaku can’t catch when the man averts his eyes.
“I--Am I, to you ?”
“I asked first.”
“I asked second.”
Ai groans , throwing his arms in the air. “How are you two this dense !!!” He points at Ryoken. “Just answer the question Ryo-Ryo!”
“Please don’t call me that. Ever again .” Ryoken throws AI a pointed look before shaking his head. He sighs, fingers drumming restlessly on the table
“...First.” He begins, holding his pinky up. “You were formerly my rival. Until a while ago, I could only think of you as such...As someone standing in my way to keep me from my goal.”
He holds up his ring finger next. “Second...You effectively stopped my plans. Everything I had worked for came undone that day.”
“Third…You said there was a new path I could walk on. That we could walk on, together.” Ryoken looks at him, at last, face less guarded than before, his brow relaxed. “After all I’ve done...after knowing who I am, I still don’t understand why you would say that. It seems more fitting that you’d resent me, as the one who carries the blood of the man that made you suffer.”
“You are not him.” Yusaku says quickly, unwavering. “I don’t judge you for what he did.”
A faint look of disbelief, or perhaps resignation, crosses Ryoken’s face. There’s a conversation there, one that Ryoken is probably not ready to have yet, so Yusaku doesn’t push.
“...Even so...If I could be selfish, just one last time…” There’s a glimmer of hope in his eyes. “I...I would like to be friends.”
Yusaku’s eyes brighten. “Me too.” He blurts out, chest feeling light. “I’d like that, too.”
“Then…”
“Yeah.” His lips curl up in a small smile. Ryoken smiles back, and they stay like that for a moment, looking at each other.
Friends . It was once something that had seemed so far away from his world, a bond unattainable for him. But he has become determined to move forwards, to walk towards the future. His chest feels warm knowing this man, the one he’d been longing to find for so long, is someone that is part of it.
Ai snickering breaks the moment and they both turn to him, seeing him looking at them with a smug face.
“You two are so cute~ Ah, friendship!” He places a hand to his chest, extending the other in a pose. “What a beautiful thing! I wonder, where will this take them?! Will it perhaps bloom into--”
“AI, shut up.” Yusaku mutes the duel disk, effectively silencing the AI, who pouts and kicks his feet at this. Yusaku huffs, fighting of a smile. In part, maybe he should thank Ai for his small intervention.
“Thank you.” Ryoken sighs in relief, turning towards his laptop. “We should probably get back to this, now.”
“Yeah.” Yusaku nods, setting the duel disk aside and focusing back on his own computer. It’s silent again for a few beats before Yusaku snorts, remembering something Ai had said, back during their duel.
“You know... if you are friends with me, it means Ai is your friend now too.”
“ No. ”
“I’m sorry, we come as a combo deal now.” He jokes, deadpan, tilting his head towards Ryoken. “Do you want a refund?”
“...” He looks genuinely thoughtful for a moment before sighing, defeated. “...I’ll live with it, for you.”
For you’ . Yusaku can’t fight back a small grin, as he turns back to his screen and focuses on the lines of code in front of him, and not the way the words make his heart leap for a moment.
---2---
“How do you usually take your coffee?” Yusaku asks, when they are sitting outside, during a break for once, steaming cups in their hands. Ryoken pauses before the cup touches his lips, caught by surprise.
“I drink more tea, at home.” He says. “ But black coffee is usually fine for me.”
Yusaku scrunches his nose a little. “Isn’t that too bitter?”
Ryoken shrugs. “I don’t focus much on the taste…” He pauses, rotating his drink in his hands and watching the coffee swirl. His eyes soften almost imperceptibly, as he speaks again. “Though I...like to have it with milk sometimes. Tea, too.”
Yusaku hums, nodding. “I like to add cream.”
“And three spoonfuls of sugars!” Ai chirps from the duel disk, snickering. “Yusaku’s got a secret sweet tooth--”
“Shush.” Yusaku lightly chops the top of the duel disk, making Ai whine. “I’m just not fond of bitter things.”
Ryoken’s lip curl up in a smile, taking a careful sip of his coffee. “Frankly, you struck me as the type to chug your coffee straight from the pot.”
“No, that’s something Kusanagi-san would do.” Yusaku spares a short glance to the hot dog stand, Kusanagi humming some tune as he grills. “You don’t want to see him when he’s gone more than twenty four hours straight without sleep.”
“Noted.” Ryoken nods.They fall into a comfortable silence for a few beats, watching the skyline, the few seagulls flying close to the water. Yusaku has taken to following one of them with his eyes when Ryoken speaks again.
“Is there any particular sweet food you like?”
Yusaku side glances at Ryoken, mulling over the question for a moment. “...Crepes.” He mumbles. “Though I haven’t eaten them in a while.”
Ryoken hums, sipping his coffee slowly. He has this look on his face, contemplative, or planning, that makes Yusaku suspicious . He’s thinking of something.
A few days later he’s proven right, when they had decided to stop for the day; they had been making slow progress and until they got more clues on what SOL was up to, they wouldn’t get anywhere. Usually Ryoken would take his leave once they were done, but today he turned to Yusaku with another purpose.
“Would you care to accompany me?”
Yusaku is taken by surprise by the proposal but he nods, following him. Kusanagi had set up shop by a park today, so they walk side by side in silence through it, people passing them by, before Ryoken comes to a stop in front of another stand. One look at the sign of the shop has Yusaku’s eyes widening.
“You planned this.” It sounds accusatory as he looks between the crepe shaped sign and Ryoken, who shrugs, one hand resting on his hip.
“I happened to see it on my way here to meet you. I thought you might like to have one, given what you said the other day.”
It’s something so small, but Yusaku finds himself stupidly happy that Ryoken remembered, even if he should have seen it coming by the way Ryoken popped the question. He’d planned this.
And Yusaku is not going to waste this.
“Sure. Let’s go get get some.” He tugs at Ryoken’s sleeve, pulling him along and not catching his confused wide eyed look.
“I don’t--” He blinks up at the cashier, looking lost. “I...never had one of these.”
“Then I’ll order for you. Is there anything specific you don’t like?”
“No, not in particular…”
Yusaku nods, turning to the types of crepes listed behind the cashier. He orders once he’s made his choice and goes to fish out his wallet but Ryoken is quicker than him, paying for them both. Yusaku frowns.
“I could have paid.”
“It’s fine.” He shakes his head. “I intended this to be my treat from the start.”
After a moment of waiting the cashier hands Yusaku the creppes and waves at them as they walk away. Yusaku hands Ryoken one of them.
“Here. Blueberry.” Ryoken takes it, eyeing it curiously. “Trust me, it’s good.”
Yusaku is already taking a bite of his, strawberry and cream, humming as he swallows. He has a weak spot for treats like these.
He tilts his head at Ryoken, who takes a tentative bite of his own crepe. His face, although imperceptible, lits up immediately and he takes another bite.
“This is good.” There’s an almost childlike wonder in his eyes, and Yusaku can’t help smiling.
“Told you.” He nudges his crepe towards him. “Want a bite?”
Ryoker perks up, blinking at the offered treat before taking a small bite off the crepe, humming thoughtfully.
“Not bad...However, I think I prefer mine.” He looks back at his crepe then at Yusaku. “Do you want to try it?”
Yusaku shakes his head and Ryoken shrugs, looking content enough to munch on the sweet treat. They eat in silence for the most part as they walk slowly through the park, birds chiming, laughter or passing conversation surrounding them. There’s not an overwhelming amount of people in the park, just enough to say the park is full, yet Yusaku finds himself at ease.
“...Thank you.” He says after a beat, catching Ryoken’s attention. “For this.”
“Don’t mind it. This…” He fiddles with the napkin around the treat, looking at it. “This is what... friends do, is it not?”
Yusaku feels like a sudden weight slammed into his chest, warm and tender, spreading through him and making his toes curl. He rubs the back of his neck, looking from his crepe to Ryoken, smiling faintly.
“Yeah...Yeah, you are right.” Friends. Friends . The word that used to feel so distant now feels right at home, in this moment.
He can’t fight back a snort when he sees the state of Ryoken’s face. Ryoken’s brow pinches in confusion. “Is something the matter?”
“You have cream on your face. Here, let me--” He rises up on his tip toes and with a napkin rubs at the corner of Ryoken’s mouth and then at his nose, finding the way the man scrunches up his face a little too.. .adorable. “There.”
“Ah, thank you…” He seems embarrassed, a hint of pink on his cheeks. He peers at his almost finished crepe and pops the last of it on his mouth. “I did not realize how messy these would be too eat, however...I enjoyed it. I see why you are fond of them.”
“I’m glad.” Yusaku finishes up his own crepe, before tossing the napkin on a trash can on the way. “Next time, I’m paying.”
There’s a short pause in which Ryoken turns at him, blinking, looking almost--expectant. “Next time?”
“We can...do this again, right?” Yusaku stuffs his hands in his pockets. “It was nice. We don’t always have to get crepes we can just--” He turns to Ryoken too, hopeful. “Hang out?”
And Ryoken takes in the smallest of breaths, before he nods, hand rising to tug a little at his hair. “That...Yes.” His lips curl up almost imperceptibly. “That would be nice.”
---3---
(Warning: Nightmares / PTSD mention)
Yusaku's revenge might be over, his determination to walk forwards towards the future is set, but that doesn't mean he still doesn't get nightmares or reminders. Some nights, Yusaku gets a break from them and can enjoy a dreamless sleep. But it has him on edge, knowing that the night terrors will creep closer again eventually, ready to jump at him, to catch him off guard and swallow him into the dark.
And tonight he dreams, like so many other nights, of painful shocks coursing through his small body, of slumping on the ground, exhausted, hungry, gritting his teeth and wishing it to be over. Duel, after duel, after duel, it's all the same. The white room feels like it only gets smaller and smaller, the walls are closing in on him and he's trapped, he can't get out, he can't leave--
'Where are you?' Where's the voice? He finds himself wishing fervently to hear his voice, to hold onto something for strength, but there's nothing but white walls and the painful feeling in his chest. He can't take this anymore, he can't breathe, he can't, he can't--
Yusaku wakes up with a startled cry, feeling winded. He really can't breathe and as he sits he's dizzy from the lack of air, hand digging on the wall for support. The feeling of being trapped isn't gone, he still feels like he is inside that room, locked, and his chest aches from breathing all wrong, accompanied by the ever familiar clog in his throat.
He doesn't think, when his hand shots up to his phone, the desperate need to confirm something.
He's lost and confused and wishing only for one thing, as he presses onto the contact and calls.
The person on the other side picks up at the second ring.
“...Yusaku?” There's surprise in Ryoken's tone but the concern wins over, Yusaku's erratic breathing heard through the receiver. “Yusaku, what's wrong?”
“Can't---” He hiccups, breath hitching and he hates that he can't stop it, body shaking and fingers barely able to support the phone in his hand. “Trapped, I can't—can't--” He slumps against the wall, eyes unfocused. “I can't--”
“Yusaku, breathe. I'm here, you're safe—Focus on my voice, alright?” The voice. It's different, older, mature, but Ryoken is the voice from ten years ago, a pillar of strength, holding Yusaku together when he felt he'd crumble. Even now. He's here.
“Breathe, for now. In--” As Ryoken takes in a breath, Yusaku tries to imitate him. “Out--” He breathes out. After a few repetitions he feels less winded, but his mind is still somewhere else, a different place, a different time.
“...Yusaku. Three things.” Ryoken's voice is a reminiscence of ten years ago, speaking softly to him through the phone, grounding him. “Tell me three things you can see.”
The room is dark, but his eyes are used to the darkness by now. They trail across the room. “...A desk. My duel disk...Books.” No sight of white walls.
“Now, three things you can touch.” Ryoken's voice is slow, patient, bringing him back to reality. Yusaku swallows, breaths out. His hand curls around the bed sheets.
“The sheets...” His cheek is pressed to the wall. “The wall...It's cold.” He scrambles for one more thing. “The phone.” No feeling of the hard floor from back then.
“And...three things you can hear?”
Yusaku breathes out, heart rate coming down and calming. He listens intently to the world around him, a night not as quiet as it seems. “...Crickets...The wind...” A small pause, as he focuses on the person on the other end of the phone. “Your breathing.” The voice, the same voice as before, but different.
“Good.” Ryoken's voice is still soothing, almost a whisper, but firm, present. “How are you feeling?”
Yusaku sighs, bringing his knees close to his chest. “...Better. Exhausted.” A pause. His fingers fiddle with the blanket underneath him, starting to feel embarrassed. “I'm sorry for calling so late. I didn't...” 'I didn't think.' He'd just wanted to hear Ryoken's voice. He hadn't realized he'd even called him until he heard him.
“It's fine, you didn't wake me.” At this, Yusaku frowns.
“...Why were you awake?”
A hum answers him from the other end of the receiver. “Much the same reason as you...It looks like it's a restless night for us both.”
Of course. He feels silly asking, now; Ryoken probably has nightmares too, even if he didn't live the hell Yusaku did. Maybe about his father, maybe about the screams of all those children. Maybe about things Yusaku doesn't yet know about.
“...Are you okay?” The question slips before he can think it through. Ryoken, however, lets out a small chuckle.
“I should be the one asking you that, after the way you sounded when you called. I'm fine.” There's some shuffling on the other end of the receiver. “Watching the ocean has always helped me relax.”
Yusaku takes a moment to picture the man standing by that tall glass window, stardust road reflecting in his eyes, deep in thought. He wonders where his mind wanders at this hour of the night.
“...Think you'll be able to sleep?” Ryoken is saying as Yusaku focuses again and he hums a little.
“I usually don't get much sleep after...after that.” He confesses, moving to lay back down and get comfortable anyways. “I stay up building my deck or...or talking to AI, now.” He huffs but there's something fond in his voice. “He's a good distraction.”
“...I see.” There's something in Ryoken's voice he can't quite decipher, but it's gone as he continues, after a hesitant pause, sounding a little unsure. “Do you...Should I leave you to it or--”
“No.” He answers too quickly and clears his throat before going on. “I mean, If...If you're not going to sleep either, we...we could talk. If you want.” 'I want to.' is the heavily implied meaning.
“Oh”. Ryoken seems caught of guard by this, but not displeased. “Okay. Yes I...I wouldn't mind that.”
“Okay.” Yusaku's voice goes a quieter. “Good.”
Silence. It last only a few seconds before Ryoken clears his throat and speaks.
“I was under the impression that talking was done with words.”
“Yeah.” Yusaku fiddles with his blanket. “I don't really know what to talk about.”
“Then why did you propose it?”
“I like listening to you.”
“Oh.”
There's another pause, before Yusaku hears Ryoken exhale against the receiver.
“What...” He seems to mull over the question before continuing. “What is your favorite time of the day?”
This is clearly Ryoken's attempt at conversation and Yusaku gladly takes him up on it.
“Sunset...or dusk. I like to watch the sun fade in the horizon, sometimes, see the first stars come up.” He pauses. “Can I assume yours is night time?”
Ryoken huffs out a laugh. “I suppose it's easy to guess. I can only watch Stardust Road during the night...however, recently...I think dawn and sunrise have become a close second.”
“Yeah?” Yusaku turns on his side, letting the phone rest next to him on the pillow. “Why's that?”
Ryoken hums, his tone becoming a little softer, tinted with something almost hopeful. Just the sound of it makes Yusaku feels calmer, relaxed. “It...makes me think of your words.” If he focuses, Yusaku can almost picture him smiling faintly. “Moving forwards...finding a new path...Seeing the sun rise, as a new day begins...It gives me a small hope that I’ll find it.” A pause. “Perhaps that is a bit silly but…”
“No, it’s…” Yusaku mumbles. “It’s nice. I like that.” He smiles, speaking close to the speaker in a hushed voice, like someone else other than Ryoken could hear him. “I...I want to watch the sunrise with you, someday.” He wants to watch Ryoken’s dawn, his sunrise, as he stands in the light, taking steps forwards. He wants to be part of it, to walk beside him, together.
It must be the late hour, tiredness in his bones, that makes him picture Ryoken’s hand in his, fingers linked, that serene smile directed his way with the sun crossing the horizon before them. It makes something flutter in his chest.
“I…” Ryoken clears his throat. “I would…I would like that. Perhaps we could watch the sunset, too.”
“Yeah…” Yusaku nuzzles his pillow. “We could go stargazing too…”
“That would be nice.” Ryoken agrees. “Do you...know any constellations?”
“Mmhm....” Yusaku fights to keep his eyes open, Ryoken’s voice soothing him, even if moments ago he was sure he would not be sleeping. “Orion...And that’s about it.” He stifles a yawn. “Do you? Know any?”
“Yes, I know quite a few.” He’s speaking slowly, and Yusaku wonders if Ryoken is doing it on purpose, knowing Yusaku is falling asleep. “Astronomy has fascinated me since I was a child...There was this book I read front to back many times, memorizing all the constellations in it.” There’s a longing in his voice, that tugs at Yusaku’s heart.
“Then you can show them to me, when we stargaze.” His hand curls over the sheets. ”There’s so much I…” His voice breaks over a small yawn. “...I want to see with you, that I want to show you too. If it’s with you...I...” He fights to keep his eyes open but they ultimately fall closed. It’s quiet for a few beats and he’s about to doze off when Ryoken speaks.
“...Yusaku?”
“Hm?”
“I would...like to see it too. All that you want us to see, all that you want to show me.” If Yusaku wasn’t on the verge of sleep, maybe he would catch the affection creeping on Ryoken’s voice, a whisper. “As long as it’s with you…I want to see everything.”
It’s with those words that Yusaku is lulled to sleep, missing Ryoken’s last words before he hangs up.
“Good night, Yusaku.”
---4---
On occasion, when they are done for the day, either of them proposes a place to spend the evening, nowadays. They don’t try to force it, but it becomes a little like routine, and Yusaku is glad for it. Sometimes they end up simply walking by a park or near the docks, munching on some street vendors food--often enough Kusanagi’s hot dogs--others they sit in small quiet cafes or restaurants Yusaku has never heard about.
Conversation isn’t always present, but when it does, Yusaku ends up discovering simple little facts about Ryoken; how his favorite colour is red “If I had to choose one, I mean...I also rather favor blue.”; how he puts dried petals between the pages of books, as he’d seen in one he’d brought one day with him “It would be a waste to simply toss them, I think.”; how he has a soft spot for old, classic romantic comedies “Please mute that AI’s laughter before I am tempted to do it myself.”.
And in turn Ryoken’s interest is peaked whenever he finds something new about Yusaku, if not mildly concerned when he first discovers Yusaku’s terrible eating habits, consisting mostly of convenience store food, or how little attention he actually pays in class in favor of napping to catch up on sleep.
“You should take better care of your health.” Yusaku had shrugged at the comment but he’d been warmed by Ryoken’s concern for him.
Perhaps, that comfortable atmosphere between them, had made him forget for a moment that there are deeper things he is also a stranger to about Ryoken.
“...You can order dessert, Yusaku.” Ryoken’s chin rests on his palm, looking a tad amused by the way Yusaku’s eyes are piercing the menu. They are on a small restaurant on the corner of the street, having finished dinner. Yusaku shakes his head.
“Expensive.”
“I don’t mind--”
“No.” He states firmly, frowning. Ryoken sighs, a little exasperated, but he contemplates the menu for a moment, before his eyes light up.
“...Do you like Apple Pie, by chance?”
Yusaku perks up at that. “I...don’t dislike it.”
“We could order a slice and share it.” One corner of his lips curls up. “Does that sound good?”
Yusaku takes a moment before nodding, giving in. Once the waitress arrives back with their order, Ryoken is the first to dive in with his fork, humming around it as he takes a bite. A moment later Yusaku does the same before nodding approvingly.
“It’s good.”
They eat in silence for a few beats, before Yusaku looks up and catches Ryoken’s smiling faintly down at the dessert, almost reminiscent.
“...You look happy.” Yusaku points out and Ryoken blinks, caught off guard.
“Oh, I...I was just remembering something.”
Yusaku doesn’t say anything but he throws Ryoken a look that clearly read ‘go on’. After a moment of hesitation, Ryoken speaks, fork cutting another piece of pie.
“I don’t know if I should be revealing this...I feel Kiyoko would get embarrassed about it if I did, but…” Kiyoko. It must be Kiyoko Taki, Baira, as Yusaku had known her. But he never thought he’d see Ryoken referring to her with a small soft edge to his voice, and it only makes him more curious.
“When I was younger, she often watched over me when...father could not.” His thumb runs absently over the handle of the fork. “She was insistent on cooking dinner for me but, frankly she--” He huffs, eyes creasing with fondness. “She is an awful cook. I was just recalling how she once made Apple Pie for dessert...it wasn’t spectacular, but it was perhaps one of the best things she cooked for me.”
“...” It’s hard for him to picture--Baira, a Knight of Hanoi, cooking for a younger Ryoken. In his mind she is merely a Doctor, a former researcher part of Kogami’s team, a former Knight. There is much he doesn’t know--of a time before that, perhaps, and finds himself with mixed feelings inside him. He wonders what kind of relationship Ryoken had with her, and the rest of the Knights, for him to smile this softly. It’s a glimpse at a Ryoken he doesn’t know. “...I see.” He takes another small bite off the pie, inspecting it for a moment. “That sounds nice.”
There’s a lull of silence, before Ryoken sighs. “I’m...I’m sorry, I realize that must have been--misplaced.” He fiddles with his fork. “I shouldn’t have brought her up.”
“Why are you apologizing? I wanted to hear about it.” Yusaku shakes his head. “I don’t know the rest of the Knights as you do. It was just surprising.”
“I know. I just…” Ryoken brow pinches, like he’s trying to decide whether to say what’s on his mind. There’s a completely different conversation that can spur from this, Yusaku knows, but he’s not going to force it. In the end, Ryoken speaks. “Kiyo---Baira, as well as Faust, they have both committed unforgivable things, while working for my father, and then, with me. I understand you must regard them much the same as you did my father and I do not blame you.” He stops fiddling with his fork and instead does it with his cup of tea, thumbs running over the sides. “I...would understand if you regarded me like that, too.” Yusaku wants to interrupt here, but Ryoken keeps going.
“I have known both of them for a long time, and I know they regret every crime they committed, from the depths of their hearts. I’m not trying to change your mind, or say what they did---what I did, as well, is justified.” He grips his cup. “After the Tower collapsed we...talked. And we know we must bear our sins, no matter how heavy, no matter how much we wish we could erase them...”
There’s another pause, Yusaku mulling over his words, before he speaks.
“Doctor Kogami was my true enemy.” At this Ryoken looks up. “The people who helped him during the Incident are not free from blame, and I...can’t forgive them.” He can’t, but they are not the same as Doctor Kogami either. He looks Ryoken in the eye. “But I believe in moving forwards, towards a new path. I don’t know either of them, but...you do. And I trust you. So…” He rubs the back of his neck a little. “You don’t have to apologize for talking about them. If anyone can make you smile like that, I want to know.”
“Oh.” At that, Ryoken’s cheeks redden slightly. He must have not realized how he looked. “I…”
There’s an awkward pause, in which Ryoken takes a long sip of his cup of tea before huffing. “I did not intend the air to become uncomfortable, I’m sorry.”
“This guy sure apologizes a lot.” Ai, of course, chooses now to pop out. Yusaku is sure he’d buried that duel disk deeper in his bag.
“It’s fine.” Yusaku gives him an understanding look. There are other topics that they haven’t touched on, yet, that will eventually come up, and they’ll have to talk about too.
One, in particularly, tugs at Yusaku’s mind and he finally brings it up on their way back.
“...Don’t compare the way I feel towards Doctor Kogami with you.” He frowns up at Ryoken, gaze intense. “He’s the one that tore my life apart. You saved me.” By mere impulse, he reaches for Ryoken’s arm, resting his hand there. “I could never despise you the way I do him. You’re your own person, Ryoken.” ‘ You’re not him .’
“...You’re too lenient on me, Yusaku.” Ryoken murmurs after a moment, shaking his head.. “I saved you but...it doesn’t erase my own sins. I also hurt many, and it was all for the sake of the man that hurt you .” He lightly bats Yusaku’s hand away, his eyes as intense as Yusaku’s. “Don’t be so quick to forgive me. I’m not a good person.”
There’s a sudden tension in the air, almost palpable, and it’s no surprise Ai hasn’t piped up again.
“ I choose who to forgive. I never said what you did was okay but...I understand why you did it.” Even if he despises Doctor Kogami, he knows why Ryoken would go to such lengths for him. Yusaku’s hands curl into fists and he purses his lip. “You say you are not a good person but you--you did save all those kids, and me. Even when you said you regretted it...I don’t believe you did. I know there is kindness in you.”
“Was it kindness, when I sacrificed all those people to the Tower?” Ryoken bites out, and Yusaku hates the growing distance he can feel between them, even when they are still walking side by side. “I was willing to sacrifice everything and everyone for that. Even you , and myself. That was not kindness. If you hadn’t stopped me, we would not be here.” Yusaku has to walk faster to catch up to Ryoken’s sudden quicker strides. “Don’t create a false idea of myself in your head, Yusaku. I’m not kind.”
“Then why did you save us?” Yusaku grabs Ryoken’s arm to stop him. “Why did you look like you wanted me to stop you, during our duel? What did you want to do, deep down?”
Ryoken bites his lip. What he wanted...what he wanted to do---
“What I wanted doesn’t matter.” It hadn’t mattered. “It’s what I did, in the end, that afflicts our today. I think you fail to acknowledge that.”
“What you did was wrong, I am not saying it wasn’t, but I know you--”
“You don’t know me.” Ryoken hisses out and pulls his arm away from his hold, taking a step back. Yusaku’s heart aches at the words, at the distance that is building between them, at the way Ryoken is closing himself off.
“You think you do. But all you really know is my voice and my words from ten years ago. Whoever you thought I was…” He averts his gaze, hair falling over his eyes. “I’m not that person.”
“Ryoken--”
“I think it’s best we part here for today.” He says abruptly. “Goodbye.” It’s with a brisk stride that Ryoken walks away quickly, not looking back even when Yusaku calls out to him to wait, hand outstretched towards him but fingers catching only air, the distance between them growing until Ryoken is gone from view. And Yusaku stays rooted in place, hand curling into a fist and pressing his lips together.
‘You don’t know me. You think you do’ the words settle an ache in his chest, burning. His hand curls over his heart, gripping tightly at his shirt.
Maybe he’d been foolish, thinking he understands Ryoken. Maybe this feeling in his heart that they can understand each other is wrong; because Ryoken is right, there really is much he doesn’t know about him even when he wishes he did. There is much that Ryoken doesn’t know about him, either, even when Yusaku is sure he could tell the man about it and Ryoken would understand.
But they are like parallel lines, even now, standing opposite each other and never touching, no matter how much you close that gap between them. Yusaku had felt he really had closed that gap, if only a little, that if he kept reaching for Ryoken maybe...maybe he’d reach back.
Perhaps he had tried to rush a conversation the man wasn’t ready for yet. And Ryoken had pulled back.
“...Yusaku?” He feels a light tug at his other sleeve and he looks down at Ai, holding onto his shirt and looking worried. Yusaku is not sure what kind of expression he’s wearing for Ai to look at him that way. “Hey...let’s go home.”
Yusaku takes a deep breath before he nods slowly. “...Yeah.”