Work Text:
I could never forget the first time I meet Kise.
Over the years, fate had become a word we would often hear when retelling the story. Kise was fated to meet me, to watch me play and to fall in love with a sport he had previously never cared for. Kise would only laugh and agree, I shrugged every time. Fated meetings had never been something I was a keen believer of. Had I also been destined to meet Kise? To fall in love with him, a love that was never to be shared, acknowledged or returned? The idea was ridiculous. If anyone had ever asked me, fate had nothing to do with it, just dumb luck.
But I was wrong. Sometimes, the universe truly does align and makes possible even the oddest occurrences, however, the outcome isn’t always a favorable one.
That day was the living proof of it.
Thirty minutes had passed since Kise and I were supposed to meet. Reluctantly I waited at the same street court we meet at every time. I waited but not for him, I knew he wasn’t coming. I waited for the text saying he wouldn’t make it, probably because things dragged with a shoot or something like that. It’s not that I wasn’t sympathetic of his situation, being close with him I often witnessed the hardships he went through by having to deal with work, school, and practice, all at the same time. Still, I couldn’t help feeling disappointed when the message finally arrived.
Sighing, I had no choice but to head home. The sun had already set and, thankfully, the train wasn’t as packed at that hour, which I always appreciated. On the other hand, whenever the rides were too quiet, I’d get really sleepy, sometimes even missing my stop. I scanned the wagon and the people on it, trying to keep myself distracted and avoiding dozing off. A couple of girls giggling on one side, people commuting from work on the other; kids being loud, some guy talking on the phone; nothing too interesting really. However, when I looked at the far end of the wagon, I noticed someone I most definitely didn’t expect to see, it was Kise. I couldn’t think of a reason as to why he would have taken that train, especially since, according to the message I had gotten from him earlier, he should’ve still been at work. Regardless, I walked there and took a seat next to him.
“Finished early after all?” I said while sitting down, but as I took a second look at him, I realized I’d made a mistake. No, he wasn’t Kise but he looked so much alike. Hadn’t I spent the last few years memorizing every trace of him? How could I have mistaken a stranger for him? His long, amber eyes, his shiny, blond hair, the curve of his rosy lips. Those were all features I knew too well. And there they were, in front of me, just not on the person I was used to seeing them on. It was such a surreal feeling seeing them in someone else. No matter how I looked it, this guy was a carbon copy of Kise. Was I going insane? Had my crush evolved in such a way I saw Kise everywhere?
Whether it was my mind playing tricks on me or just the weirdest of coincidences I ignored completely.
When I realized my error, I moved away a little, still unable to look away from the face that so closely resembled Kise’s. Surely my intense gaze must have made him uncomfortable, but somehow, I couldn’t stop.
“Sorry, I mistook you for someone else.” I said. “You just… look a lot like a friend of mine. It’s crazy.”
When he stared back at me, I felt hypnotized by the honey ocean of his eyes. Deep and rich, a tad empty, compared to Kise’s, but breathtaking nonetheless. I could have stayed like that for a while but the announcement of my stop brought me back to reality. I suddenly felt very embarrassed and stood up. “Anyway, sorry...” I said as I exited the train. When I heard the doors closing behind me, I looked back to see him one last time. It was as if a part of me expected him to disappear into thin air, like a dream, but when I turned, he remained there, looking back at me.
When I got home, I could hardly concentrate on anything else. My mind kept circling around that extraordinary event, but more than that, I kept thinking about Kise, what will he say when I tell him about it? For a guy so proud of his looks, to know they aren’t unique. I thought about calling him and I opened my bag to search for my phone but strangely, it wasn’t there. Had I dropped it somewhere? I kept searching, beneath my books, on the pockets of my pants, under my bed, but nothing… Maybe I should’ve been more worried about it, hell, I knew my mom was going to be pissed if she found out I lost it, but with everything that happened that day, it sort of slipped my mind.
My dreams were rarely memorable, but that night I had the strangest one. I dreamt of a room whose darkness devoured me, and I, lying on the ground, prey of an inexplicable fear, was unable to move or speak. I was terrified, I wanted to run away, to scream, but all I could do was stay still as the darkness overcame me. I still remember the cold sweat on my forehead after waking up, agitated by a dream so vivid I could barely tell I was dreaming.
The next day at lunch break I went to the rooftop to take a nap, as I usually did when I needed to regain some hours of lost sleep. Just me, and the gentle autumn breeze.
“Dai-chan, here you are!” Satsuki came bursting in.
“What do you want? I’m trying to sleep.”
“Break’s almost over, you shouldn’t be sleeping.” She nagged as she sat next to me. “Something wrong?”
“Yeah, this annoying girl keeps talking to me when I’m trying to sleep.”
“You don’t have to be rude.” She pouted.
“Hey...” I said, after a while, “do you think it’s possible for two people to look identical?”
She seemed taken aback by my question, “Identical? Like twins?”
“Yeah, exactly like twins,” I answered, “but not blood-related.”
“Isn’t that just an urban legend? Is that why you’re sleepy? You stayed up all night reading creepy stories?” She smacked my head before I even had the chance to respond. “You shouldn’t read those things if you can’t handle them, you know.”
At that instant, the bell rang, announcing the end of lunch break. She dragged me to classes after that and we didn’t bring that subject to again. The day went by rather quickly after that, maybe because I slept through most of my classes. Before I knew it I was taking the same train back home. Only this time that guy that looked like Kise wasn’t there.
In the infinite sea of people that are the streets of Tokyo, chances were I would never see that person again. I thought it had just been a strange one time encounter that would rob my sleep for a few nights but then I’d never think about again. Come to think about it, I had a similar thought the first time I meet Kise.
Against all chances, when I crossed the platform after arriving at my stop, I saw him, sitting on a bench. He looked at me as if he had been waiting. I didn’t even think about it before I started to move towards him, like drawn in by a cosmic force beyond me.
“I was looking for you,” he said once I was close, and he drew something out of his pocket. It was the phone I thought I’d lost. “You dropped this yesterday when you hurried out.” As to be expected, his voice also resembled Kise’s, though, in comparison with Kise’s usually loud tone, his was much calmer.
“Oh, yeah… thanks.” I said as I awkwardly took the phone from his hands. I somehow didn’t know how to behave around him.
“You don’t have to be nervous.” He laughed as he stood up.
We ended up walking out of station together. He told me he was new in town and asked if I knew a good place to eat around here, I told him about a few and ultimately ended up going with him. It was strange but the thought that went through my mind was ‘ if I was able to get along so easily with Kise, it should be the same with him, right?’
That was the start of our weird relation.
I never mentioned him to anyone else but we hung out together many times after that. I don’t even know if we could call each other friends, the truth was I didn’t really know much about him. He had told me his name one time but I forgot, I always called him Kise, he didn’t seem to mind. He wasn’t as chatty as Kise, in fact, I did most of the talking whenever we were together. I ended up realizing the only thing both of them had in common were their looks. Why, did I keep hanging out with him, then? I truly couldn’t say; ever since I first meet him I felt this inexplicable attraction towards him that went beyond his looks. I was well aware of how strange it was but I couldn’t help it, after all, Kise lived in a different town, he had work and could rarely find time to hang out together. The other Kise was always there. Being with him felt a lot like being with Kise. It was like being completely alone, just the two of us, away from all noise and trouble. My body felt light and I, like a dream, floated to another dimension where Kise and I could be together.
Maybe I was tricking my mind into thinking he actually was the person I had been in love with for so long and not a complete stranger.
Yet, that didn’t mean I stopped seeing the real Kise, after all, he was the only one I was in love with.
“Aominecchi, are you doing anything next week?” Kise said to me one day we meet to play basketball.
“Next week? Why?”
“You know, it’s Halloween! We should go see a scary movie.” He said, excited.
“Ugh, I hate scary movies, why don’t you take some girl?” I shrugged
“No, it has to be Aominecchi,” I immediately blushed hard and turned my head away, “I’d be too embarrassed getting scared in front of a girl, but if it’s you I’ll be okay since you’re even more of a scaredy-cat than me.”
I threw the ball at his face, pissed off, “What was that? Say that again.”
“It was a joke!” He groaned.
“Fine, Kise. I’ll go with you if you beat me.”
Of course, that didn’t happen. But the look on his face when I said it, so thrilled, was enough for me to realize, even before the game started, that I’d end up complying. I always did when it came to Kise. I used to wonder if he ever noticed how special he was to me or if he ever suspected of my feelings. Sure, I wasn’t the most expressive person and he could be oblivious but, sometimes, you just know, right? Maybe he did and decided to ignore it, I guess I could understand that, if things were the other way, I wouldn’t know what to do either.
The next day, I met with the other Kise. We went to a nearby park and laid on the grass watching the stars. My hand lightly ghosted to his and before I knew it, I had stopped looking at the sky and instead was concentrated on him again.
At that point, I thought he had become used to the way I looked at him, as he mostly ignored me. But this time, it was different. He gave me a mocking expression, then he took my head in his hand and pulled it closer to him. “Say, this friend of yours I look like,” he whispered, “does he know how much you want to fuck him?”
I pushed him back, uncomfortable by hearing him talk about Kise. I was going to leave, but as I was about to stand up I felt his hand pulling me back. “Don’t be upset, Daiki,” he said giggling, “Do you want to try it?”
I’ve done so much stupid shit in my life, I recognize it. In most cases, I didn’t know what I was doing was wrong until I ended up hurting myself or someone else; in this one, however, I knew going into it how incredibly wrong it was, how I would never be able to take it back, and how much I would regret it later on. I knew it but I couldn’t stop myself.
“Just once,” I told myself, “ just once and then I can forget about Kise, I can go back to being just friends with him and put these feelings to rest ” as if doing so would magically erase the love I felt for him, though at that moment I could certainly see the logic of it.
We went to a motel together. It was really late, I made sure of it. I was so embarrassed by what I was doing that I didn’t want anyone to see me,
Once there, things moved on rather quickly. Before I knew it, I was kissing the lips I knew would never be mine, I was tasting the skin I only knew in my dreams, and I was hearing that voice, that sweet voice moaning my name. I hadn’t forgotten the one under me wasn’t Kise, but god knows I would never be as close to him as I was now. What did it matter it wasn’t real?
“I love you, Kise.” Funny thing, that was my first time saying those words out loud, and I wasn’t even saying them to the person they were directed to.
I hated myself after I was done. How short had the orgasm been compared to the entire life I had left knowing what I’d done. I felt I had betrayed Kise, even if we weren’t a couple, and wondered how I was going to look him in the eyes after.
I wished I could say the disgust I felt with myself at that time was enough for me to never do it again. Remember how I talked earlier about an inexplicable cosmic attraction I felt towards the other Kise? Whatever it was, it multiplied by hundred after we had sex. That attraction evolved into an actual physical need for him. I thought about him so much, I counted the minutes before I could see him. It’s not like I developed feelings for him, after all, he remained almost a complete stranger to me, yet, I still craved for him so badly. Being with him gave me some sort of high, but afterward, I felt like my energy had been completely drained.
We would only meet at night. Sometimes, we would go to a motel, but most of the times we meet at an abandoned house by a forest outside of the city
Of course, the whole thing started to affect my life soon. I would get little to no sleep at all. I would go to school completely restless and slept through most of my classes, which obviously lowered my already mediocre grades. I stopped going to practice altogether since I didn’t have the energy to stand it. I also stopped hanging out with Kise, as I couldn’t bear to face him; I came up with a different excuse every time he texted me, and though some were really lazy, he accepted them without second guessing. Satsuki, my family, my friends at school, they all notice there was something wrong, but what could I say? I couldn’t let anyone find out about the other Kise.
A few weeks went by like so. Things didn’t improve and my feelings towards the other Kise became even more complicated. I loved him because he looked like him, I hated him because he wasn’t. I knew it but acted delusionally. In my wildest dreams I imagined he transformed completely into him under my arms, and when I woke up to find him still, I hated him even more.
One Saturday, Kise had been texting me incessantly to meet up. I had given him hundreds of excuses, yet he kept insisting. My best guess was that Satsuki had told him something was wrong with me and he felt complied to do something about it. I didn’t really want to see him, not in the state I was in. Every moment I spent with the other Kise I wished I could be with the real one instead, and now things had taken such an ironic turn. Against my better judgment, I ended up saying yes.
We meet at the usual street court. My heart was pounding before Kise arrived, and once he got there, I could see I wasn’t the only one feeling nervous. Kise looked upset but, as always, he tried to play it off with a smile, as if I didn’t know him enough to tell he was faking it. We started playing and it became more and more evident that something was bothering him, but since he didn’t want to tell me I figured there was no point in asking about it. Since I had ditched practice the last few weeks, my gameplay wasn’t at its finest, and for the first time ever, Kise was actually beating me. When the score hit 30-25, he stopped the game. I thought he’d be thrilled for having finally won against me but instead, he just looked really frustrated.
“You haven’t been practicing, have you?” I avoided his gaze. He turned his back to me and started walking away.
“Wait, Kise, why are you getting so upset?” Surely I wasn't at my best but his reaction threw me off.
“This is the most we’ve seen each other this month. I was really looking forward to playing with you but you clearly don’t care so, just forget it.” In all the years I’d known Kise I’d never seen him so angry, but more than that, he really seemed hurt. I truly was an awful friend.
As I saw him walking away, it hit me. I really didn’t deserve Kise. All of the pain from my unrequited love was no more than the price to pay for being selfish and self-centered all this time.
I didn’t go home that day. Instead, I went to see the other Kise. I had every intention of ending things with him at that moment but something happened. I don’t remember what exactly, things get really blurry from here on out.
I recall being on top of that dirty mattress at the abandoned house. My body wasn’t responding. I was awake but it felt like dreaming, or perhaps I was dreaming I was awake. It’s hard to say.
I couldn’t feel time passing so I couldn’t say how long was I in that state, it could’ve been a week, it could’ve been a month. In all of that time, I didn’t go home or school. Occasionally the thought of my family looking for me popped into my mind, I imagined my mother crying or Satsuki’s worried face, but I couldn’t do anything. I had been stripped from all willpower and I honestly wasn’t sure anymore if I was still alive. It felt like every drop of life had left me, I had been drenched from all energy, and the scarce moves I made felt like were being controlled by someone else.
I had read of monsters that can take the shape of any human. As time went on, I became more and more convinced that the one I had referred to as the other Kise wasn’t even human but some sort of ghoul that had taken the form of the thing I desired the most and had been feeding off my energy. How could I have been so blind? What kind of person would be okay with me using them as a fulfillment of my impossible fantasy without them gaining something from it? There was no salvation for me, I was going to die at his hands and all I could think of was Kise would never know how much I cared for him, how everything I had done I did thinking about him.
I remembered the dream I had that night, so distant in my memories; that nightmare had come true, I laid there, in the darkness of that abandoned house, unable to move or speak, doomed to be devoured by the monster next to me. That dream had been a warning, a premonition of what would happen.
Every day, I went to the same convenience store to get some food, after all, I still needed to keep eating, so that he could feed on me for as long as possible. Since I wasn’t in control of my own body, there was no risk of me escaping. I was basically a living dead, walking without any free will.
That last day hadn’t been different. I had a bag of groceries in my hand and was heading back into the house. I felt someone tugging me, holding me back. My vision was blurry so I couldn’t see who it was.
“Aominecchi! Where have you been? We’ve been looking for you nonstop!” Even though he was close to me, the voice seemed so distant in my head I could barely hear it.
“What’s wrong with you? Why aren’t you saying anything?” the voice broke down in tears. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry I got mad at you. Please, come home, Aominecchi...” My mind was so clouded I could barely make sense of that distant sound. Was that voice Kise’s? It couldn’t be, it was probably a dream. Yet, seeing the actual him, even in a dream, made me smile.
“I’m sorry, Kise… I won’t be able to play with you anymore..” I dragged my words, as I could hardly speak.
“What are you saying? I don’t care what you got yourself into, I’ll help you out, just come with me!” I felt his hand on mine, so warm in contrast with my cold one. Maybe it wasn’t a dream, after all, yet I already knew I was beyond help.
But with that brief moment of consciousness, however small it was, I knew what I had to do.
“I’ve loved you since I first meet you, Kise” I felt my voice running out, I was probably about to lose the last bit of control I had of my body, but needed to get those words out. “I’m sorry you had to find out like this...”
I couldn’t see what expression he made when I finally said those words, suddenly that warm hand wasn’t there anymore. Who knows what happened after, before I knew, I was back at the house, lying on the floor. I still couldn’t say if that encounter had been dream or reality, but I found some comfort in sharing those words with the real Kise. Somehow I felt my feelings had reached him, one way or the other. Though it was a shame it had been just as the life was running out for me.
“Wake up”
“Please, wake up”
“Aominecchi!”
When I came to again, Kise was shaking me to wake up, maybe he had followed me there earlier. My words wouldn’t come out, I needed to tell him he had to leave, I didn’t know what that monster was capable of doing if he saw him there.
“It’s not safe here...” I mumbled. Kise nodded and scanned the room; finally, he found a broken pipe sticking out of the wall and he pulled it out.
“It’s better than nothing, I guess,” he said, “I’m gonna get you out.” He placed my arm around him and carry me out of the house, into the forest.
The sun had set and we could barely see, but Kise continued to move as quickly as possible while supporting me. I could hear him breathing heavily, clearly having a hard time carrying someone the same size as him but I still felt too weak to walk by myself.
Suddenly, I heard steps coming from behind us, but before I could do anything, we were hit in the back by something that felt like a huge branch, and we both fell to the ground. Kise turned around and, in horror, contemplated the monster wearing the same face as him. He frantically searched to no avail the metal pipe that had slipped from his hand in the fall. He started to back away, but before he could stand up, that thing threw himself on top of him, attacking him. Kise groaned but still was able to jerk his knee to the other’s stomach to get him off of him.
If Kise hadn’t tried once more to save me, he might have gotten away. But as he came near me, that thing grabbed him by the arm and with supernatural strength yanked him to a tree. Then, before Kise could react, he wrapped his hands around his neck, choking him.
And I, unable to move, watched from the ground as Kise unsuccessfully tried to free himself from his hold. Were we both destined to died at his hands? Weakly, I stretched my hand forward and my fingertips meet with the cold metal of the pipe. I had to do something. Kise was in this mess because of me and I had to help him. I tried so hard to find any remaining strength inside of me, even the smallest amount that would help me save him. My whole body was shaking as I desperately tried to move, attempting to awake the energy that had been put to rest by that beast. Finally, I gathered enough strength to stand up, though my legs could hardly support me and I knew I wouldn’t last long. A picked up the pipe with both of my hands, I knew what I had to do.
I swung the pipe to the base of his neck, causing him to release his grip on Kise. I hit him. One time. Two times. Three times. I hit him until I lost count. I hit him until the face that had drawn me in became so deformed it was unrecognizable. A part of me let out a muted scream as I hurt the carbon copy of the person I loved the most; the other part kept on swinging the pipe. My arms hurt so badly I thought they would fall off, but the pain was so little compared to the liberating feeling awakening in my soul with each strike.
Kise only looked in horror as the face, his face, became nothing but a splatter of blood on the dirt. He seemed like he wanted to run away but a paralyzing fear pinned him to down.
When my arms finally lost all their strength, the metal pipe fell, and just as it hit the ground, the seemingly human body turned into nothing but ashes right in front of me.
At that moment I knew it, I had been freed.
That’s the last thing I remember before passing out.
When I regain consciousness, I was in a hospital. I felt like I had woken up from a really long dream. Kise was next to me, sleeping in a chair. As soon as I started moving, he opened his eyes and looked at me in relief.
“You’re finally awake.” He gave me a warm smile.
“What happened?” I asked in a sore voice. He came close to me and whispered something in my ear.
At that moment, a doctor came into the room and examined me as he asked me how I was doing, he also told me the police wanted to ask me some questions regarding my disappearance. I couldn’t imagine a version of the facts that wouldn’t make me sound insane. But at that moment I remembered Kise’s earlier words.
“It was just a dream.”