Chapter Text
"Jimin wasn't bad." Taehyung closes his mouth and swallows, preparing his next sentence. He forced his sob back with a sigh and looked up into the camera. "I know- what he's done was bad. It still is bad. But he was the most nurturing person I've ever met, and I've met far too many. He loves- loved... children. He loved to dance, and take long walks in the neighborhood- he loved drinking coffee even when he's had more than enough of it."
He remembers holding his hand. His small hands that he'd never be able to hold onto again. He rubs his thumb against his palm to soothe the ache of needing Jimin's hand to hold. God. The way things have turned out. He squeezes his eyes shut.
"He's still human to me. Everyone else sees him as a monster and sees me just as crazy- but I saw the side of him that the rest of the world would never know. I saw the hesitation in his eyes everytime he opened his mouth. How he'd hold me like he was scared. How he'd avoid having to look at himself-" Taehyung chokes on a sob. "If only I knew-" his shoulders shook as he curled into himself, nails digging into his arms, and his teeth clenched to hold himself together as much as possible.
"I don't care what anyone thinks!" He sits up, his cheeks slick with tears. "I came here today to tell you- the world- that despite his past I still love him. That he truly wasn't a monster! That every single person on this planet could call me insane for loving someone who killed and I wouldn't second guess myself EVER." Taehyung fiercely wipes his face.
"Park Jimin made mistakes. He did what he had to for cash. He survived in a way that was inhuman. Some people wouldn't be able to live with themselves. I'm not saying what he did was justified." He pauses and turns his head away from the interviewer and the camera. "I still love him. I'll still love the side of him that I knew."
There's silence. The interviewer clears his throat and flips through his papers. "Did Park Jimin ever hint at what his night jobs were?"
Taehyung shakes his head and swipes his nose with his thumb. "No. Never. He was always cautious, and I figured... I figured it was because he lost someone- or something bad happened in the past. It never once crossed my mind that it would be... that."
"Did you ever ask him? About his work?"
"I did. Of course I did. I worried every time he would leave the house at 12 in the morning. But he would get uncomfortable about it. I thought he did... other things.."
"What other things did you consider?"
"Prostitution. Drugs." Taehyung shrugs and snorts shallowly. "Right now I'm wishing that's what it was. Anything but this. Maybe he would be here right now."
"Did you ever try to figure it out yourself? Who Park Jimin might really be?"
" 'Who Park Jimin might really be?' He's still Park Jimin- he's not going to change in my mind, my heart. He's still a sincere person despite his background. And to answer your question. No. No I didn't try to figure it out. I respected his privacy for one, and second, I was scared that I would find something I wouldn't like. I liked what I had with him. I didn't think I'd find myself being broadcasted across the world because I was dating a 'cold blooded killer'."
"When did you realize that you loved Park Jimin?"
Taehyung froze. Loved. The word is in past tense because that's how Jimin will remain. A person of the past.
"I knew when I was walking my dog. He kept staring at me, and my dog and I wasn't sure who he was more interested in." Taehyung chuckles weakly. "Eventually he came over and said, "At first I wanted to ask to pet your dog but I think an even better question is to ask you out for coffee." He was real smooth. He was even better than the first encounter. I went out to coffee with him and learned that he wasn't just someone trying to sneak into my pants. He was looking to settle down. I guess we were lucky enough to want the same things at the same time."
"We both wanted kids. We wanted a creative career. We wanted to find someone who understood us even when... it was hard to speak our minds. Like me. I didn't have to say anything and he would just completely understand. We were tailored for each other. I think my dog is a really good wingman." Taehyung smiles. But it fades faster than it came. "I miss him." He whispers. He glances up at the producers and directors, the make up artists and camera crew. They were all watching him. He couldn't read their expressions.
Jimin would know what they're thinking.
"Taehyung, you're providing a good control over the situation. How do you really feel about this?"
Taehyung swallows an irritated groan. "How do I look? How do I look to you? Foolish? Ignorant? Tired? Exhausted? Angry? Depressed? Let me tell you sir. I'm numb. I haven't eaten in days- I haven't slept in days, I can't focus because I'm trying to relive the memories of my precious boyfriend, instead I have to spend the rest of my life because of people like you that have to point it out- point out the problems- I know what he did was wrong- everything's wrong- I can't-" Sobs slip past his lips, he's shaking his legs, his shoulders shudder with each sob, each second he's getting louder.
"Taehyung?" He hears namjoon behind the set but he cant focus. He continues to sob into his lap, trying to calm down- but he doesn't feel bad if he shows them how horrible he feels. He wants the world to see how much he's suffering- maybe they'll feel bad and understand he's lost someone important to him, rather than just another criminal off the streets.
He can't decide to hate that everyone is happy over his lovers death, or to feel happy that the victims' families are avenged. He can't come to a conclusion that will satisfy everyone. He wants the rest of the country to be happy but he can't be happy if he doesn't have Jimin in his life. He's confused. He wants to be selfish but the rest of the world won't let him.
He can't breathe. He can't open his eyes, he keeps curling into himself when he hears the directors trying to pull him back to the interview, but he shakes his head, he can't form the words but inside his head he's screaming leave me alone, leave me alone.
"Taehyung! Let me go to him- can't you see he's having a panic attack?! Move-!" He hears Namjoon shouting. He just wants to leave.
"Taehyung- you need to finish this interview." The man says while tapping his shoulder. Taehyung suddenly settles. One sentence, repeateding over and over inside of his head. He sits up suddenly staring directly into the camera.
"I'll see you soon, Park Jimin."