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“Welcome back, listeners, to Kunlun’s Unofficial Bad Advice Lifeline! You guys know this is supposed to be a music program, right? How did we come to this? But hey, as long as the radio manager doesn’t mind, we can keep going. I don’t know why you guys like my shitty advice so much, but I get paid for this, so whatever, keep calling.”
Shen Wei settles in his office chair, his old-fashioned radio turned on for a long night of grading papers. He’s thankful for Kunlun’s show on nights like this, his light humor and sarcasm lifting his mood better than the bottle of wine some of his colleagues favor. He eyes the stack of paper in front of him, already dreading the sheer quantity of bullshit this particular class is capable of sprouting. It’s a shame he doesn’t teach the same course as Zhu Hong anymore, it was nice to have someone he could compare notes with, even though that someone made a habit of using his back as a writing support. “You’re so stiff all the time,” Zhu Hong had explained, “it’s more convenient than carrying a wooden plank around.”
“Welcome to our first caller of the night, Fred! How you doing, Fred?”
“Not good, actually.”
“Alright, lay it on Uncle Kunlun, I’m all ears and our listeners too.”
“So, uh, I met someone online, and we’ve been talking a lot, for hours every day, and -”
“And let me guess, you went and got a crush and told them and now they don’t talk to you anymore?”
“Pretty much, yeah? Except before that he told me he was crushing back, and for a while it was great, and then he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship and that was basically it, and I just miss him, man.”
“Aw, sorry buddy, but let me ask you something. You said you met online, but have you met in person?”
“No, he lives on a different continent, so uh…”
“Okay, I see. Listen, dude, this is going to sound harsh but hear me out: that guy did you a favor. Imagine if you’d kept on talking, and grew real deep lovey-dovey feels, it would have sucked so much more to never be able to see each other, right?”
“I guess?”
“Don’t guess, this is the cold, hard truth. Think about it, man, you know I’m right.”
“So what you’re telling me is I just have to suck it up and move on?”
“Pretty much, yeah. Alright, Fred, thanks for calling, sorry your love life sucks, but I have another caller waiting. Talk to real life people next time!”
Shen Wei chuckles at the caller’s half-hearted laugh. Usually, the first few calls Kunlun takes determine the theme of the night, so Shen Wei knows that tonight he’s probably going to pay more attention to the hints at Kunlun’s love-life than to his student’s essays. It should bother him more, but he finds himself a little biased when it comes to Kunlun ever since that time he spent half an hour reading bad erotica quotes with a deep, rich voice. He may or may not have downloaded that show from the radio station’s website.
The new caller, (Shen Wei didn’t catch her name), can’t sleep, and wants to ask for tricks to fight insomnia.
“You know what you have to say.” Kunlun’s grin can be felt through his voice.
“Help me, Kunlun, whoever the fuck you are. You’re my only ho,” says the student, and Shen Wei finds himself mouthing along with her.
“Nice! Alright listeners, who has bullet-proof ways to fall asleep? Help your fellow woman here, poor girl’s standing in her grave at this point.”
“I’ll name my first-born after the person who will make me sleep.”
“Empty promises call for a little music break,” jokes Kunlun, making the student laugh. “I’m in the mood for some Ariana Grande tonight darlings, so here’s “ Successful ” to start off the night nicely, you can thank me later. Winky face!”
Someday, Shen Wei will call the radio station and demand explanations. Why the verbal emojis, Kunlun? Are you aware that this is not a written conversation? With a sigh, he resumes grading his students’ essays, using the duration of the song to speed through his reading. He’s not focusing a whole lot on his work whenever Kunlun talks.
“ It feels so good to be so young and have this fun and be successful! I’m so successful! ” Kunlun sing-songs as soon as he comes back on air. Shen Wei huffs a laugh at the off-key beat.
“So, during the song we’ve had a few people calling with advice on how to fight insomnia. Sleep-deprived girl, you still awake?”
“Yeah, yeah, I’m here.”
“Good! Some people have just left their advice, but someone’s waiting to tell you in person, so I’m just gonna give you the others real quick: go for a run until you collapse and have a friend drag your sorry ass home; meditate and focus on your body falling asleep from your toes first then up til you reach your head; or get black-out drunk.”
“Thanks, guys, I guess I’ll try the first two and get drunk as a last resort.”
“But wait, there’s a last one! Say hi to Melanie! Hear her out, you’re gonna like this one,” says Kunlun gleefully, and Shen Wei braces himself for some strong second-hand embarrassment. Nothing good ever comes out of Kunlun using this tone.
“Hum, hi, Melanie?”
“Hi! Okay so this is awkward, thanks Kunlun for making me say this live on radio by the way… Why did I even call, I knew you’d do something like that.”
“You’re very welcome,” says Kunlun. Shen Wei has never seen the guy, but he can tell he’s wearing the biggest satisfied smile ever. “Go on, listeners are waiting,” he goads.
“Urgh. Alright. Whenever I can’t fall asleep, a nice round of sex usually does the trick? If this helps?”
“Hear that? Find yourself a sexy-times partner and enjoy a full night of rest after! I might actually try that myself, come to think of it,” jokes Kunlun, and this was not a mental image Shen Wei needed tonight, thank you very much. A sleepy, sexed-up Kunlun. Maybe in Shen Wei’s own bed. God. He needs to get a grip.
“Alright, girls, thanks for calling. Sleepy lady, don’t forget to call us back to tell us how it worked.”
“Will do! Thanks, Kunlun.”
Shen Wei checks the time and goes to lower the volume of the radio once he’s sure Kunlun started the next section of his program. Kunlun always follows more or less the same pattern: one or two songs, depending on his mood; two or three calls, depending on their duration, and then he hosts a weird pop culture trivia game that Shen Wei doesn’t really follow. It is, along with the songs, the only part of the program he doesn’t actively listen to, and he uses the time to focus on his work.
He gets a good rhythm going with his grading, and considering five students copied from the same online paper – that he knows very well, being the one Zhu Hong made him proofread for her two years ago - , he’s finished earlier than expected.
He grabs his water bottle, turns the radio up again, checks that the door of his office is locked, and lies on the couch, ready to enjoy Kunlun’s voice until the show ends.
“… yep, there’s always a tentacle somewhere when Eddie is concerned, right answer!” Kunlun laughs, and Shen Wei doesn’t really want to know.
He lets the rise and fall of Kunlun’s voice lull him almost all the way to sleep until the pop trivia game ends and Kunlun picks up a new caller.
“So, Kunlun, you’re always helping us with our love lives, but what about yours?” asks the new caller, and Shen Wei freezes. He knows that voice. It’s Zhu Hong’s.
His mind flashes back to last Tuesday night, when they graded papers together while the show was on, and he’s immediately filled with dread. She had asked him something while Kunlun was talking about the way he liked his coffee, and Shen Wei had shushed her. She’s been giving him calculating and knowing looks since then. He’s fucked.
“Aaah, you guys, I was wondering when someone was going to take one for the team and ask,” Kunlun says good-humoredly. “I’ve been reading the radio’s web forum, you know.”
Shen Wei knows it exists, but he’s been very strict with himself and has only checked it once, a few months ago, when Kunlun’s show first aired. There’s a fine line between having a healthy crush and becoming an obsessive stalker, and Shen Wei is determined to not be a creep.
“Even the… fanfics?” Zhu Hong asks, playing along.
“Even the fanfics,” Kunlun laughs. “I knew talking about my Eddie Brock cosplay was going to bite me in the ass, but the tentacle porn was a bit much, even for me. I don’t think I’m as bendy as you guys think.”
“You just need training,” says Zhu Hong, and Shen Wei lunges for his phone.
“Are you offering to help?” Kunlun asks, laughing. “Sorry, love, I’m not into tentacles.”
To Zhu Hong: What are you doing? Please stop.
“Anyway, I’ve seen this thread with what you guys think my love life is like,” Kunlun says, smoothly moving on from the monsterfucking talk. “And you are all dead wrong.”
“How come?” Zhu Hong asks, nudging him along as Shen Wei stares at his phone, helpless.
From Zhu Hong: Think twice before shushing me next time <3
“I am not, and I quote, madly in love with a perfect soulmate that makes breakfast in bed and never forgets to take out the trash, nor am I in the middle of a long string of steamy one night stands to heal the pain of loneliness. “
“Yeah, well, if you pick out the worse ones,” Zhu Hong says. “How’s your real love-life going, then?”
“I’m going to lose all of my hard-won credibility if I tell you,” Kunlun says.
“It can’t be worse than my friend’s, he’s a fucking disaster,” Zhu Hong says, and Shen Wei has the sinking feeling that this all going to end badly. “Hi love, by the way, I know you’re listening,” she coos. Fuck.
“Oooh, I am all for friends dragging each other on air. Tell me about this disaster, I’m all ears,” Kunlun says gleefully, and Shen Wei hopes, against all evidence, that she is going to back off.
From Zhu Hong: trust me babe
“Tell us about your love life first, we’ll trade tales,” she says playfully. “I bet you’re no more of a disaster than him.”
“Aaah, this is a really transparent try to get me to spill my guts, but I’m going to bite because we only have three more minutes of air time, on the condition that you call back tomorrow and tell me all about your friend,” Kunlun says.
“Deal.”
“I hope you’re ready because this is the more pitiful I’ve ever been in my whole life, alright? So there’s this guy, this fucking beautiful man, alright, the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen. He must work at the university, something that ends late, because I see him like, four times a week in the subway when I go off from the station,” Kunlun says. “He’s always wearing fitted suits, all posh and proper, not a hair out of place, and one time he had his jacket off and he wears sleeve-garters, and that’s not something I ever thought I’d be into,” he continues, and he sounds so smitten that Shen Wei’s heart starts doing impossible double-beats and triple-somersaults.
“And?” Zhu Hong presses.
“And nothing, because have I mentioned he’s fucking gorgeous? And also one time he was with a super hot lady, carrying her books while she, I kid you not, she was using his back as a desk to write upon, and she kissed his cheek, so there’s that. Oh boy, this is way more pathetic out loud than it was in my head, okay.”
“Oh my god, Kunlun…,” Zhu Hong starts, but he cuts her off.
“Sorry guys, story time went into over-time, DJ Yashou is glaring at me again, bye kids, be safe, talk tomorrow!” Kunlun says to wrap up.
The radio abruptly cuts into the intro song of the next program.
Shen Wei picks up as soon as Zhu Hong calls.
“Holy shit,” she says. Shen Wei says nothing.
“I bet he’s that Hot Leather Jacket guy we saw at the station,” she continues. “The one that nearly choked to death when you bent over to pick up my books.” This is not helping.
“Fuck,” he finally breathes out.
“Soon, I guess,” Zhu Hong says, and he knows she’s smirking. “On that note, you might want to hurry up, love.” She blows him a kiss, laughing before hanging up.
He checks the time and she’s right, he’s got just enough time to rush to the subway station and catch the last train, as he does every time he stays this late in his office. He eyes his jacket, decides to leave it on his chair with a little thrill, and gets out of his office more quickly than he ever did.
He reaches the station in a record-breaking five minutes, and he finds Hot Leather Jacket guy (Kunlun?) at the same time that Hot Leather Jacket guy (Kunlun!) sees him and darts his eyes immediately away. Before he can talk himself out of it, he stalks toward him, stopping only a few feet away.
“Are you Kunlun?” Shen Wei asks bluntly, and Hot Leather Jacket guy cringes. Honestly, Shen Wei wants to cringe too, what the hell was that? Not even a greeting, just attack the guy, good job, Shen Wei.
“Ah, listen, I’m really sorry about that,” and it’s him, it’s his voice , and Shen Wei can’t help grinning.
“Don’t be,” he says, taking a step closer unthinkingly. Kunlun sounded hot, but now that Shen Wei has him in front of him, he knows that hot is far from being accurate. Devastating might come closer. Breath-taking.
“Alright?” Kunlun says, eyes darting to Shen Wei’s mouth.
“I’m Shen Wei,” he says. “What’s your real name?” he asks, taking another step forward.
“Zhao Yunlan,” Kunlun says, and Shen Wei doesn’t think his eyes have left his mouth since he appeared.
“I like that name,” Shen Wei says. “Zhao Yunlan, can I kiss you?”
Shen Wei doesn’t wait for an answer, taking the last step into Zhao Yunlan’s space, and Yunlan nods eagerly, leaning up to fit their lips together.
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“Good evening, guys, and welcome back to Kunlun’s Unofficial Bad Advice Lifeline. I’m warning you, sit down or hold tight into something, because you won’t believe me when I’ll introduce the guest I have tonight! I am still not believing it either, to be honest, but I am very, very happy to have him here with me. So happy, you guys, you have no idea.”