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No one ever says what falling from a rooftop is like.
Granted, a person typically shouldn’t be thinking of such things. Especially without a parachute or quirk to assist.
After all, on a normal day, normal people have the feeling of terror that sets in even during attempts of suicide. What if I don’t die when I fall? What if it hurts? What about my friends… my family? What happens when I do die, will it even be better?
But that day wasn’t normal, and Izuku Midoriya wasn’t normal either.
It was the hundredth or so time since he had thought of ending it all from the rooftop of his middle school - Kacchan only egging him on.
In his eyes, jumping from a rooftop was the way to go. It had a... a feeling of freedom? Of one last hurrah while the wind encompasses every part of your body, and your hair rubs lightly against your face before violently swooping behind your neck. While your stomach flips and flips and flips and tears form in the corners of your eye. Then it’s over… Nothing else to hurt him.
No more bullying, no more blaming himself for his dad leaving, no more seeing his mom cry, no more responsibilities, and no more thoughts on receiving his letter from UA - telling him he failed since he got 0 points on the exam.
Everything would be peaceful and he would finally feel light.
He hadn’t felt that way since he was twelve.
Izuku slowly pulled out one of his notebooks from his large yellow bookbag. The title line simply had one letter: R.
His ‘R’easons.
The first entry had been when he had first come to the rooftop, it had been after Kacchan had told him they weren't friends and worst yet; that they never were friends. Before, Izuku believed he was still the blonde haired boy’s friend… He was just also the defenceless and nerdy boy, and he never took the other’s insults to heart until that moment.
Kacchan had yelled it at the top of his lungs in the middle of class when Izuku had helped him with a problem he didn’t understand, leading to Izuku’s first attempt on the roof.
He would’ve done it, but his mom’s face flashed before his eyes. Her sweet smile, and the fact that one friend wasn’t worth ending his life. It was just one human being, and that’s all he was too.
So he had left.
After that, there were just tiny reasons before he reached his next breaking point in his entries - made clear by the tear stains that marked the page and leaving splotches over the pen he had used.
The bullying had increased. Kacchan had formed a clique with the whole class, and they were all in on it.
Sometimes, he would find razors in his books or notes telling him to just go die since he was quirkless anyway and other times, they would just leave writing on his desk. ‘D E K U.’
His infamous moniker.
He was lucky if he didn’t come home with any cuts on his hands, his mom would notice. Then one day, they used one of their quirks to send images of how happy everyone would be if he were just gone.
He had wished his quirk would manifest as invisibility.
That day he had taken his shoes off and even stood on the railing, ready to fall at any moment until the sun set before him. His mom would be cooking dinner, and that meant that she would have a place set for both him and his father. Probably with his favorite food - Katsudon. So he simply got down and ran home with a smile, knowing his mom’s food would warm his heart.
When they sat down for dinner, his dad even patted his head lightly. His dad was proud of him since he had gotten an A on the last test and had straight A’s in everything but Physical Education.
The attempts were put on hold after that for awhile, until a few months before the UA Examinations.
Scars had started to appear all over his arms, the bullying transitioning to battery as quirks were used instead of razors. His father had left in the last week because of the fact he was quirkless and his mom never stopped crying. That day, Izuku’s precious hero analysis was chucked out the window to be fish food. He was ready to end his life in any way, and Kacchan had said so himself, “Maybe if you die, you’ll be blessed with a quirk in the next life.”
Maybe I will.
He had thrown off his jacket, and got so close to the edge, but tears just streamed down his face instead while he clutched the railing. He had caught a glimpse of his bookbag, and even if it seems stupid...
It’s the same shade as All Might’s hair.
Izuku slid on his backpack and glared down at the pond, where he could make out his notebook. Today is not the day , he thought.
And then things changed.
His reasons kept building, but when All Might had taken him under his wings - things got better. Everyone was preparing for exams, so no one cared to bully him anymore; not even Kacchan. He was training and felt stronger, and one day, according to All Might, he would be able to receive his idol’s quirk.
Every day he was pushed to his limits by that one thought. Just a little longer and I won’t be quirkless. Just a couple of months. I can do this.
Then he failed.
That’s why he was finally up on the rooftop again on that not so normal day... with so many reasons. Because he had never felt more alone or more of a failure.
I failed All Might, I failed my mom, I failed Kacchan, I failed myself… I probably even failed that girl from the exams. I have failed everyone .
He took his shoes off, placing the notebook underneath them, and turned to the railing he had gripped so many times - jumping with ease onto the top, curling his toes to feel the metal underneath them.
No one would be able to stop him, he always came up onto the roof to get away and no one would question it. Just a flick of the foot, a fall of momentum, and it would be over.
He would be free.
Izuku stepped off the edge with a teary eyed smile.
The world won’t hurt me anymore.
+
Inko Midoriya got the call by 6 that night. Her son hadn’t returned home, but his UA letter came in the mail. Since he was running late, she decided to open the letter…
Her son had passed! He was going to be able to live his dream .
Streams of happy tears ran down her face, and she bounded to the phone when it began to ring.
“Hello?”
“Yes, this is she.”
The phone fell to the ground with a loud clang. As more tears streamed down her face and she covered her mouth to hid her silent scream. Not my baby boy. Not my little hero.
She ran out the door and sprinted to the school.
---
When Inko arrived, she saw multiple students staring at the scene with wide eyes. Katsuki Bakugou in the middle. She stormed up to him with her hand drawn back. Prepared to strike before she saw his face.
He was just as broken as she was. His eyes devoid of anything, like he had already cried himself over this.
“I’m sorry. It’s my fault. I should have stopped it.”
He hung his head and finally sobbed out with a yell, before transitioning into a silent festering anger.
Inko did the only thing she could think of at that point. She hugged him and she forgave.
+
The doctor’s said he had a 50/50 chance.
Izuku’s quirk had manifested and protected him at the last second by coating him in its power. If there were anything to thank: it was that he had a fighting chance.
When Izuku hadn’t contacted All Might, he had tracked the boy down. Katsuki Bakugou and Inko Midoriya paced the lobby of the hospital - Katsuki stomping more aggressively. Toshi didn’t know how to even begin bringing up his relationship with Izuku. No one knew except for the two of them. So he simply slipped into the back.
He walked into the room to find the that his young prodigee was covered in bandages from head to toe. Casts covering some areas and tubes coming out of others. Long surgical wounds marred the skin hidden beneath the bandages - only shown by the red left on the pristine white.
All Might pulled up a chair and sat next to the boy ignoring the visiting hours that were keeping the young man’s mother and classmate from seeing him.
It’ll be a long 48 hours.
+
Izuku was in the ICU. Any moment he could go under. If he didn’t wake up within three days - he would be announced comatose.
The first day - All Might left as Toshi so no one would question his presence - leaving flowers in a small vase on the bedside tables. They were a mixture of blue, red, and yellow hues that each held messages for good health.
Inko was allowed back in as soon as visiting hours began the next morning. Katsuki icely stared at a wall, while she went back. Her son looked like a machine with how many he was hooked up to and all she could do was lightly rub at his hair and place a small kiss on his forehead.
She stayed with him for hours, not even realizing what time it was until a hand gently touched her shoulder - the other holding some takeout.
It was Katsuki.
The boy that she had known had bullied her son for the longest time, resulting in all of the hidden pain her sweet child had felt.
For some reason, his kindness caused her to cry more and she felt herself lose it in front of the blonde teenager while he rubbed her back in an uncomfortable manner. She couldn’t get ahold of herself for the longest time.
Izuku if only you knew.
+
The next day Izuku flinched. It was a good sign. A good sign that he wouldn’t have nerve damage or brain damage. His eyes slightly moved too.
The doctors were more hopeful that he would wake up.
Toshi always came at night when visitors weren’t allowed, but when he came like All Might, no one questioned it. He would speak about his days and villains faced as though the boy were still fine and sitting in front of him with a lighthearted grin.
Katsuki barged in as soon as school let out. His time typically had a lot of angry yelling about how he wasn’t supposed to follow his dumb advice, and that he wasn’t actually defenseless anymore.
Inko would come during the mornings and late afternoons, before and after work. She simply told her son how much she loved him, the dinners she had planned for when he was better, how proud she was of him, and what amazing hero he would make - especially if he came back.
The days went by until eventually, UA’s term began. The school hadn’t dissolved Izuku’s attendance yet, but if he stayed out for too many days… they would.
Still all they could do was have hope.
Eventually, the news was announced to the class about Izuku Midoriya. They kept the suicide attempt on the down low, but the fact the strong boy from the exam was in the hospital still had some people concerned. Ochaco and Iida recognized the picture they had displayed with the announcement of the green haired boy and immediately and asked for the hospital name and room number.
Iida was first, and after seeing the state of his fellow student. The closest thing to describe how he felt was depression. For someone so strong to have taken out the 0 point android to end up like this. It was irrational. His legs started to vibrate on their own, luckily leading him outside.
When Ochaco visited, a bunch of other people were there: All Might, Iida, Katsuki, Mrs. Midoriya, even some others from Class A that had seen the announcement like Kirishima, Koda, and Yaoyorozu.
They all were staring at a boy that was looking into space to the left with dull and glassy green eyes.
Izuku was awake.
Everyone crowded around him, cheerful and relieved… but Izuku still couldn’t muster an emotion. There was an acceptance that maybe things wouldn’t be the same for the up and running hero.
+
They say that after the first time, the thought never really leaves. Victims keep trying and trying and trying, because after you reach the point of wanting to die; it’s hard to leave it. Subsequent attempts are common, even if relationships change for the better. Sometimes, other habits are picked up to stop the thoughts. Some are healthy, and others - not so much.
And that’s how Izuku found himself breaking the little vase on his bedside table to make the glass shatter around him in big clumps.
Anything would do.
He cut into his arms that had gotten released from their casts mere days before and felt the blood run down his arms. Trying to feel anything other than the want to die, because he still wanted to.
Everyone said that he wasn’t a failure, but how would they know? They couldn’t see how many times he had failed like he did. Like he had written in his R.
He cut until he had to stop, somehow the pain dulled and left a sense of fulfillment… until he noticed the other presence in the room. A familiar hot hand reached out to grab his arm with the hand that held the glass before moving to press the nurse’s button.
“What kind of idiot are you, Deku?” The nickname at the end had a horrible bite to it that made him want to wretch.
He didn’t even bother to look up. It was Kacchan. Izuku ripped his arm out of the other’s grasp.
“You know… I was the one that found your stuff… and you. I was only a couple of minutes behind you. I saw you going up to the roof and wanted to talk with you about the exam. I read through it, and I want ya to know something…”
Izuku still had faded eyes as he assessed the other.
“I want you to know that I’m sorry. Nothing I do will ever make it forgivable. It started as a joke, and then escalated and it was all my fault. I wanted to beat you, I didn’t want you to die… and it was all because I was a little threatened kid on the inside still.”
Blood continued falling down his arm before a nurse came in and wrapped them - confiscating the vase shards and flowers.
“I won’t ever say anything to you again, if it will make you stop. I want to beat you Deku, so you’re not allowed to die on me.”
Some part of Izuku came back, a little light in his eyes. A fire burning to get out of the hospital.
All Might smiled from the hallway at the interaction between the two boys, “Rivals really are the best medicine sometimes. Right, Young Midoriya?”
+
After 4 more days, Izuku was released with strict orders from the doctors to take it easy.
UA was ready to accept him with open arms so long as he went to a counselor four times a week until he was mentally recovered. Further, he was asked to take notes about any comments that caused him to have negative emotions along with a mandatory text to his mother letting him know when he was leaving school and if he was staying late after the last class.
Things wouldn’t be easy, but it seemed like most of the class didn’t realize what had happened to him for him to end up in the hospital. In fact, some had created theories that Izuku had simply fought a villian, and the other guy looked just as, if not more, banged up.
No one really found out until Izuku’s first gym class.
Izuku’s locker was right next to Kirishima’s in a the corner, so he was the one that saw Izuku right when he finished changing into the outdoor uniform.
The red head quickly pulled the green haired boy into the back and separated the area with a curtain, and for some reason, Izuku didn’t question it.
“Hey dude… What are those scars on your arms?”
Izuku gulped, trying to figure out what Kirishima was talking about before he remembered the day in the hospital. “Th-They’re just marks Kirishima-kun. They’re just marks.”
The red head twisted his grip to his arms, and Izuku winced when the other boy gripped a little too hard. “I’m so sorry. I don’t know what happened, but I understand a little. I used to hate my quirk. It seemed so useless, and when it first manifested, it hurt me. That’s what my scar is from. What kind of quirk hurts their own user when it first comes out? I felt like a failure…”
The word felt like it echoed in the tiled room. Over and over and over again:
Failure. Failure. You’re a failure Izuku. You failed everyone. No one loves you. You’ll just fail them again. Failure. Failure.
Izuku resolved himself, “You’re not a failure Kirishima. You’re strong and amazing, and your quirk can do so much and save so many people. I know you’re do great things one day.”
The boy just offered a sheepish and sharp grin. “I was supposed to be cheering you up ya know… I think I have a long sleeve gym shirt you can use for now.”
Izuku grinned, “Thanks.”
While Kirishima opened the curtain, he turned to someone he knew would one day be a friend, “Oh and by the way dude, you’re not a failure either.”
+
It turns out that it doesn’t take falling from a rooftop to feel free. A true friend is sometimes all you need.