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(An extract from the transcript of RECORDING 087-A1 – KANG DANIEL:)
JISUNG: [ cheerily ] So once again, I would like to thank you for agreeing to take part in this study. I know more likely than not it’s because of the payment we’re offering –
DANIEL: [ embarrassed laughter ] I mean, well –
JISUNG: No, no, it’s totally fine! The whole reason we made it a paid research study was so people would actually take part. I just wanted to say that this is part of my post-grad thesis, so I really do appreciate your participation on a personal level.
[ a brief pause, the sound of papers shuffling ]
JISUNG: Anyway, I would just like to remind you that this and all subsequent interviews will be recorded for use in this study only. If at any point in time you decide not to continue with the interview, just let me know and you can leave. Okay?
DANIEL: Uh, yeah. Sure.
JISUNG: Great! So the purpose of this study is to investigate how romantic relationships begin and develop, and the factors that contribute to the formation of a relationship. There will be three separate interviews for both you and your partner, each a week apart, and they will cover different areas of your relationship. Today we’ll just be talking about the basic details, nothing too complicated. [ a pause, concerned ] Is that okay with you, Daniel? You look a little…ill.
DANIEL: [ hurriedly ] No, no, I’m fine. I just – I’m a bit nervous, I guess. I’m not really sure what you’re going to ask, and relationships are kind of a big thing, you know? [ nervous laughter ]
JISUNG: [ reassuringly ] Just be truthful, that’s it. I’m not expecting specific answers from you, and you’re free to decline any questions that make you uncomfortable. [ another pause, a little longer than before ] Alright, shall we begin?
[ silence, in which Daniel presumably makes a sign of assent ]
JISUNG: Okay, let’s just start off with your name, age and occupation, as well as that of your partner’s.
DANIEL: [ clearing his throat ] Right, uh, I’m Kang Daniel. I’m 21 years old, turning 22 soon, and I’m a student. My boyfriend’s name is Ong Seongwoo. He’s a year older than me – he’s 23. We study at the same university, so – yeah, he’s a student too.
JISUNG: And how long have you two been in a romantic relationship?
DANIEL: [ a pause ] Like, two years, I guess?
JISUNG: [ thoughtfully ] And is that how long you’ve known each other as well?
DANIEL: [ chuckling ] Oh, no way. We’ve known each other since forever, pretty much. Since we were twelve or something. I transferred into his school then and we just…hit it off. Been best friends ever since – um, until we got together, I mean.
JISUNG: [ gently ] That sounds lovely. And how did your relationship start?
DANIEL: Um, once I was accepted here, obviously I told Seongwoo. He mentioned that his roommate had just graduated and he was looking for a new one, so I ended up moving in, and I mean – you know how it is when you live with someone. We got to know each other on a more, um, day-to-day basis? And when he finally asked me to date him I realised that he was the one for me. [ awkwardly ] Cheesy, huh?
JISUNG: All relationships have their own beauty. I’m not judging, I promise. [ a pause ] Alright, and how many past relationships have you been in, Daniel?
DANIEL: Aw crap. Um – just give me a moment to – yeah. [ muffled muttering for approximately 20 seconds ] Like six, I think. Six serious ones, not including flings and stuff? [ sheepishly ] I’m the kind of person who likes to give and receive affection a lot. My friends have told me that I can be pretty, uh, indiscriminate at times.
JISUNG: [ chuckling ] Now, could you describe the communication style between yourself and Seongwoo on a regular day? Do you text? Do you speak face to face? Write notes to each other?
DANIEL: Well, if we’re both back home we definitely speak face to face. But we’re usually in contact with each other via text most of the day, because we’re in different courses, so we have different classes pretty much all the time. Sometimes we send each other memes and things, or we just talk about funny things that happened. Sometimes Seongwoo will ask if I’ve eaten and if I want to go out for lunch or dinner. [ laughing ] It’s like he’s trying to fatten me up or something.
JISUNG: [ sounding amused ] And finally, do you feel that there is any significant difference in your life before and after being in a relationship?
DANIEL: With Seongwoo? Uh, I mean, like I said, I’m kind of an affectionate person. I’m a people-pleaser, I guess. I dunno if that’s a good or bad thing. [ chuckling ] But previously, being in a relationship would make me more…nervous? Not in a bad way, but I was always thinking about whether my partner was happy with how things were between us and little things like that. It was like, um, self-inflicted worry or something – but with Seongwoo, I think because we’ve been friends for so long, things are easier. I know what he likes and what he doesn’t like. We still mess around with each other and confide in each other. Nothing’s really changed for us, so – I guess that’s a good thing?
JISUNG: Ah, thank you so much for sharing, Daniel. This has been a very interesting session – for me, at least. I hope it wasn’t too strange or uncomfortable for you. [ chuckling ]
DANIEL: [ hurriedly ] Ah, no, it was great. I’m glad I could help.
JISUNG: Lovely. So I’ll see you back here next week. A reminder email will be sent, so please do look out for that – and in the meantime, you can collect your payment for today’s interview from my assistant on the way out.
[ the dull squeak of wheels on carpet, the soft creak of a leather seat as someone stands ]
DANIEL: Thank you, Jisung. See you next week.
Seongwoo barely bats an eyelash when Jaehwan slams his palm down on the table between him and Daniel, with a smirk of delight on his face that bodes well for exactly no one. Daniel, on the other hand, jumps about a foot in the air and promptly begins choking on his mouthful of rice.
“What?” Seongwoo asks, deadpan, but only after saving his best friend from suffocating to death right in front of him.
Jaehwan sits down and snags Seongwoo’s chopsticks right out of his fingers, as shameless as ever, before finally deigning to reply. “Okay, so remember how you guys were talking about getting a part-time job or something? Because who doesn’t need more money, right?”
Daniel, still visibly red-faced, perks up at that, his gazing fixing on Jaehwan with immediate interest. “What, is someone you know hiring?” he asks eagerly, and Seongwoo can’t help but quirk a small smile at that.
It’s not like Daniel even needs the money, not in the way Seongwoo does. He just utterly adores his mother and regularly spends every spare cent he has buying her little gifts that he ships all the way back to Busan. It’s really kind of adorable.
“Well.” Jaehwan clears his throat. “Not exactly. But one of my seniors is doing a paid research study for his thesis. It’s just like, three interviews or something, and you get ₩25,000 for each interview. How’s that for a quick buck?”
“Seriously? That much for one interview?” Daniel’s eyes widen, mouth rounding in an ‘o’ of surprise.
Seongwoo only knits his eyebrows together, a slow frown forming on his face. “There’s a catch somewhere, isn’t there?” he says slowly, looking hard at Jaehwan’s triumphant expression and not trusting that look one bit.
“Well…” Jaehwan repeats shiftily, drawing the single syllable out far too long for Seongwoo’s liking. “It’s a study about relationships, so you kind of have to be dating someone to join it?” He ends his sentence off with a hopeful little lilt, and Seongwoo really has no idea what that’s supposed to mean at all.
“Neither of us are dating though,” he points out blankly, wondering if Jaehwan has finally gone completely and irrevocably insane. “None of us at this table are eligible. Not even you.”
Jaehwan scowls half-heartedly at him, but the gleam of excitement doesn’t leave his eyes. “Yeah yeah, whatever. But look, being best friends is pretty much like dating, except platonically or whatever. I bet you anything you could answer whatever questions they ask in the study, easy. Just sign up and tell them you’re dating, and get the cash. What’s so hard about that?”
Seongwoo sputters for a moment, flabbergasted. “Firstly, being best friends isn’t like dating,” is all he can say in protest as he blinks rapidly, not quite daring to look over at Daniel.
But the next moment, he hears his fool of a best friend exclaim with what he feels is a disproportionate amount of enthusiasm, “That’s an amazing idea! We can totally do it, right, Seongwoo?” He lets his gaze slide over to Daniel’s and immediately regrets it. He’s never been able to say no to those damn puppy eyes.
“You’d ruin your senior’s thesis like this by asking us to falsify data?” he says pathetically, a last-ditch attempt to wriggle his way out of this mess.
Jaehwan shrugs. “You’re gonna be, what, one couple out of a few hundred? Statistically, you’re negligible,” he says sweetly, with a horribly knowing smile at Seongwoo. “I’ll text you guys the link with all the info. Just figure out your romantic backstory and you’ll be fine, lovebirds.”
Jaehwan, the little brat, gives Seongwoo a condescending pat on the cheek before standing and sauntering away, leaving him to stare stupidly at Daniel’s eager, bunny-toothed grin. The way his eyes scrunch up softens the sternness of his unsmiling features and always leaves Seongwoo feeling decidedly off-balance.
He can’t even look a smiling Daniel in the face for too long on a good day, and now they’re supposed to construct an entire fictional relationship just to pad their wallets? Seongwoo thinks he’d rather migrate into the sewers for the rest of his life.
(An extract from the transcript of RECORDING 087-B1 – ONG SEONGWOO:)
SEONGWOO: So – um, hold on, I just wanted to check, no one except you will ever have access to this interview, right? Like, not…Daniel as well?
JISUNG: [ gently ] Only me, Seongwoo, I promise.
SEONGWOO: [ slowly ] Right. Okay, cool. [ embarrassed ] Um, you can continue then.
JISUNG: [ sounding amused ] Alright. So how long have both of you been in a romantic relationship?
SEONGWOO: A year and nine months.
JISUNG: And how long have you known each other?
SEONGWOO: [ slightly startled ] Oh. Well – [ a pause ] God, it’s been like a decade at least. He transferred from Busan and ended up in my class somehow – I don’t really remember why. I was shit at math back then – actually, I still am – so I got held back a grade, I think. [ snorts ] I remember thinking that he had a really nice laugh. Not that it takes very much to make Niel laugh, honestly. He’s the kind of guy who’s popular simply because he’s so damn nice that it’s impossible to hate him. I was lucky – the seat in front of me was empty so he got placed there. All I had to do was tap his shoulder and ask if he wanted to have lunch together later. I mean, he was the new kid. We were all dying to get to know him, but I had the first mover advantage. [ laughs ] Sometimes I kinda can’t believe how long it’s been. We’ve known each other almost half our lives.
JISUNG: [ genuinely ] That sounds adorable. Why don’t you tell me more about how your relationship started?
SEONGWOO: Okay, well, I – [ a pause, embarrassed ] It was kind of funny, actually. We were basically joined at the hip when we were younger, and our friends used to tease us and say that we were dating or whatever. Just kid stuff, you know. And it wasn’t like I didn’t know I was gay – I mean, I knew, but I couldn’t imagine liking Daniel. He was just, you know, my best friend. He was just there, in my life, and we already had our whole dynamic sorted out. But sometime in high school it just hit me that I liked him – I liked him so much. It wasn’t like my feelings for him changed, I just…realised? That I’d always been in love with him in some way. But I mean, a six, seven-year friendship? That’s not the kind of thing you take risks on. So I never said anything. It’s hard to explain – I wanted more, but at the same time, just being beside him and being there for him, it was enough for me.
[ a brief, thoughtful pause ]
SEONGWOO: He took a gap year so I went off to uni first. I thought the distance would make everything easier but I just ended up missing him more. [ laughing ] I sound so stupid and dependent, but I swear it’s not like that. I just missed having someone around who understood me so – perfectly. Niel is like…coming home after a long day, I guess, if I’m going to be really clichéd. I don’t look it, but I’m kind of…highly-strung? High maintenance? Maybe it’s a theatre kid thing. [ chuckling lightly ] Yeah, but Niel is perpetually happy, always ready to joke around and be silly, and he doesn’t even mind if I don’t participate. He balances me. He calms me.
[ another pause, confused ]
SEONGWOO: Sorry, what was the question again?
JISUNG: [ laughing gently ] How your relationship started.
SEONGWOO: Oh shit, yeah. [ chuckles ] Right, so that year apart kinda made me realise how important Niel was to me, and then he ended up moving in with me when he started uni here. I took it as a kind of sign, like the universe telling me, ‘Hey, it’s your chance. Don’t waste it, dumbass.’ So I gave it a couple of months and then I decided to confess. Not sure if you can call it a confession. I just kinda blurted it out and it was really embarrassing, but – yeah, well. We’re together now, so.
JISUNG: All’s well that ends well.
SEONGWOO: [ relieved ] Yeah, exactly.
JISUNG: [ reassuringly ] That’s lovely. Thank you for sharing, Seongwoo. [ a pause, the faint sound of pen on paper ] Now, how many past relationships have you been in?
SEONGWOO: [ laughing ] Oh damn, these questions. Just one. Like a ‘time to get over Daniel’ thing, but it didn’t work out. [ dryly ] Obviously.
[ an interlude: about 4 minutes and 37 seconds later ]
JISUNG: Alright, and to end off, would you say that there’s been any significant difference in your life before and after being in a relationship?
SEONGWOO: [ a long pause ] Not – um, not so much in the way we relate to each other. We’re still best friends. We still take the piss out of each other all the time. We still, you know, remember each other’s birthdays and stuff. But physically, of course – we hold hands, and cuddle and things. I dunno, I feel like it’s a bit different for me because I’ve liked Niel for so long. [ quieter ] I’ve always wanted to do these things with him, so it’s still such a wonderful difference to me. It’s just unreal.
Seongwoo corners Jaehwan two days later.
“I am going to kill you, Kim Jaehwan,” he hisses. “We signed up for that stupid study yesterday. You knew Niel would fall for it.”
Jaehwan shrugs Seongwoo’s threatening hand off his shoulder with practiced ease, shooting the taller man a sideways glance. “C’mon, you make it sound like I’m scamming you guys out of something,” he huffs, feigning offence even as the corners of his mouth curl upwards in a poorly-concealed smirk. “It’s a real study, you’re gonna get paid cold hard cash. What’s not to like?”
Seongwoo smacks him hard across the back. “You know Niel can’t lie worth a damn. He’s lowkey terrified. He keeps asking me to help him get into character, and he won’t stop practicing us ‘being in a relationship’. Hand-holding and all that jazz. It’s getting on my nerves.”
Jaehwan cackles, falling back to walk by Seongwoo’s side instead of pacing ahead. “Getting on your nerves or attacking your poor smitten heart?” he asks snidely, ducking swiftly out of the way of another hit just as Seongwoo swings.
“He snuggled up to me the other night. He –” Seongwoo closes his eyes for a moment, remembering the sudden pounding of his heart, the cold fear that Daniel might feel the frantic beat right through his skin. “I dunno. It’s just, I totally froze up. I almost forgot it wasn’t real and it’s only been a day.”
He sighs, suddenly tired, and slides his gaze over to Jaehwan. His friend’s expression is oddly sober now, bottom lip caught between his teeth as he eyes Seongwoo’s expression for a long moment.
“You should tell him. I know you’ve never listened to me before today but I really, really think you should confess,” Jaehwan says at last, his tone uncharacteristically serious. “Even if he doesn’t like you back in the same way, at least you’ll have closure. I think it’s better to kill off that hope than to have it eat away at you until you’re eighty. Or, you know, he might like you back. Stranger things have happened.” He finishes with an encouraging smile and a friendly punch to Seongwoo’s arm, which sends him stumbling a step sideways.
Seongwoo blinks back at Jaehwan sceptically. “If I confess, there are literally only two outcomes. Either he rejects me and we never speak to each other again, or he rejects me and we go on with this awkwardness hanging over our heads for the rest of our lives,” he says flatly, crossing his arms over his chest. “I’ve known him forever. Do you really think I wouldn’t know if Niel liked me? That dumb face of his can’t hide his feelings – you know that.” He shakes his head, lips tugging into a resigned smile.
Jaehwan is the one who looks awkward now, his eyes fixed somewhere around Seongwoo’s chest instead of his face. “I just thought maybe you two could fake it till you make it,” he says with a rueful smile, fingers tugging at the hem of his shirt. “Then – then are you still gonna be okay doing this?”
Seongwoo cocks his head contemplatively for a brief second, and then slings his arm affectionately over Jaehwan’s shoulders. “I’ll be fine. It’ll just be another part I have to play,” he says with a shrug. “At least this time, I get to be the Seongwoo who’s actually living my dreams.”
(An extract from the transcript of RECORDING 087-A2 – KANG DANIEL:)
JISUNG: Nice to see you back, Daniel.
DANIEL: [ brightly, but with audible vestiges of awkwardness ] Yeah, hey. Hope all your other interviews went okay.
JISUNG: [ chuckling ] They all went quite well, thank you. [ a brief pause ] So last week we covered the basic details of your relationship with… [ another pause ] Seongwoo, right? How you met, your daily habits, and so on. Today we will be covering the emotional spectrum of your relationship. [ soft laughter ] Are you ready?
DANIEL: [ a very audible exhalation, playfully ] As ready as I’ll ever be.
JISUNG: Alright, when did you first feel that you wanted to be in a relationship with Seongwoo?
DANIEL: Uh. [ an extended silence ] Sorry, I just need a bit of time to, uh, think.
JISUNG: There’s no rush at all. Take your time.
[ approximately 16 seconds of ambient noise – the faint whir of the air conditioner, the shift of fabric on leather, the soft clearing of a throat ]
DANIEL: Um, I guess – it was just the way he was always there for me? Like, after all my breakups the first person I would want to talk to would be Seongwoo. And when I first moved in he was always fussing over me. It was kinda weird, because we’d always been, um, equals in a way? Like even though he was a year older, he’d always been in the same grade as me, but in uni he was really my senior for the first time. It was strange, and I guess I’ve always liked to be taken care of and stuff so – it kinda made me see him in a new light? Like, not just as a best friend but as someone who – um, I dunno, just something more, I guess.
JISUNG: And what exactly do you like about Seongwoo?
DANIEL: [ laughing ] Oh, wow. Well, he’s handsome, I guess. Everyone always says that. And he’s funny – he has a great sense of humour. I love it when people can make me laugh. But he also has a more, um, serious side? Sometimes he likes to be alone, and to be quiet, and he has these deep thoughts that other people don’t know about because he’s always kind of jokey on the outside. So I feel – privileged? To be able to see this other side of him.
[ a short silence ]
JISUNG: Would you say there has been any significant change in your feelings towards Seongwoo since your relationship started?
DANIEL: [ hesitantly ] No, not really, I think. Like I said last time, I think we still have the whole best friend thing going on. We already know what the other is thinking half the time. [ chuckling ] Now we’re just trying to get that up to ninety percent of the time. [ a pause, embarrassed ] Sorry, lame joke.
JISUNG: [ sounding amused ] That’s totally fine. Now, can you recall a time when your partner made you upset?
DANIEL: Wow. Um, that’s a difficult one. I don’t get upset very easily – that’d be more of Seongwoo. [ snickering ] No, seriously, I can only think of that one time when he wouldn’t share his 3DS with me and I threw the hugest tantrum. I was like 15 or something. [ fondly ] We were so dumb and immature. But Seongwoo is just – a really considerate person. Not in the same way I am though. I’m the kind of person who’ll go out of my way to get people to like me, but Seongwoo is just very…courteous? To everyone, even if he doesn’t know them. It’s hard to get upset at him, basically. [ chuckling ]
JISUNG: Alright, then have you ever felt that there was an imbalance of feelings between both of you?
DANIEL: [ confused ] An imbalance of feelings? Like one of us liking each other more than the other? [ laughing ] I don’t think so. I mean, when you’ve known each other for like ten years, I think one of us being more invested in this friendship than the other would be kinda obvious, like just a little bit. I think we’ve proven our, um, feelings for each other enough over the years.
JISUNG: Interesting. [ a pause ] And finally, have you felt romantic attraction towards anyone other than Seongwoo since your relationship started?
DANIEL: [ immediately ] Um, no. Definitely not. If he’s the one for me then he’s the only one. [ defensively ] I’m not, you know, that kind of guy who – like, I’ve been in a lot of relationships, but I’ve always focused on one person at a time. I wouldn’t do that to whoever I’m dating at the time. To Seongwoo, I mean.
JISUNG: [ softly ] I’m not trying to imply anything, Daniel. This is really just part of my standard set of questions. I don’t want you to feel like I’m intentionally trying to attack you or your values as a person.
DANIEL: [ laughing sheepishly, perhaps a little nervously ] Yeah, sorry. I guess I get kind of sensitive whenever anything touches on cheating or whatever. One of my exes – [ a pause ] Sorry, I mean, this is kind of relationship-related, I guess, so – [ another pause ] Right, I mean, long story short, one of my exes cheated on me and I was basically this huge wreck for weeks. A huge, smoking train wreck. [ chuckling ] I wouldn’t even talk to anyone except Seongwoo because I felt like he was the only one I could trust, y’know what I mean? So, yeah – I’d never hurt anyone that way, and most of all not Seongwoo. He’s really just – everything to me, you know. On every level. Like I can literally see myself jumping in front of a car or something equally dramatic just to save him. I wouldn’t hesitate. [ voice softening ] I can’t imagine life without him.
[ an extended silence ]
JISUNG: [ carefully, quietly ] Thank you for sharing, Daniel. This will be the end of the second interview. Next week we will again cover some sensitive issues, although probably not as heavy as today. I hope to see you here again. [ a little more brightly ] And don’t forget to collect your payment on your way out.
“That was awful!” Daniel wails, right in Seongwoo’s ear, almost bouncing beside him with each step like a very large, very excited puppy. “The interviewer asked me something like, how is it different before and after getting into a relationship and I totally blanked out. I think I said something like no, we’re still best friends so nothing much changed. It was probably so stupid. Do you think they suspect we’re not a real couple?”
Seongwoo blinks at Daniel for a moment. Most of his mental faculties have been fixed on the fact that his hand has been caught firmly in Daniel’s grip ever since they walked out of that first nightmarish interview instead of whatever his poor, beloved friend has been blathering on about for the past three minutes straight.
Still, he smiles – it’s never too difficult to muster up a smile for Daniel. “What’s the worst that could happen?” he says dryly. “They just won’t take us back for the next interview and we’ll have to make our money somewhere else.” He shrugs, and his arm bumps lightly into Daniel’s with how close they’re walking to each other.
Seongwoo blames everything on the stupid hand-holding, messing with his little bubble of personal space and sending his thoughts off on anxious tangents about the potential of his palms getting sweaty enough for Daniel to let go.
Said best friend breaks into his thoughts with a loud sigh. “I guess you’re right, as always,” he grumbles, with more than a hint of a disgruntled whine to his tone, and Seongwoo feels his smile widen into a full-out grin.
“As always,” he agrees smugly.
He expects Daniel to drop the excessive contact the further they walk, but Daniel only starts to swing their joined hands back and forth, humming to himself with the most ridiculous, dopey smile on his face. It’s the expression he gets when his head is off in the clouds somewhere, a rarity for someone who is always as present and in the moment as Kang Daniel. Not for the first time, Seongwoo wishes he could take a picture of that single instant, of the glow of calm contentment suffusing Daniel’s face.
He curls his fingers more securely around Daniel’s warm palm, eyes flickering forward uncertainly in case Daniel has some sort of adverse reaction to his minute action. How can it be possible, Seongwoo wonders idly, to be both completely comfortable and yet painfully tense in the same person’s presence?
“Can we drop by the mart before we head home?” Daniel says suddenly, out of nowhere, and Seongwoo jerks in surprise before settling. One corner of his mouth curls up in almost sadistic delight. Now this is familiar – this he can handle with ease.
“No,” he says sweetly, without missing a beat. “Not if the only thing on your shopping list is gummies.”
Daniel’s smile drops off his face so fast that Seongwoo almost feels bad. “You’re a terrible fake boyfriend, you know that?” he huffs, and Seongwoo’s gut does the hugest drop at that single innocuous word.
Boy. Friend. Boyfriend.
“Yeah, well, this fake boyfriend isn’t being paid enough to hold your hand while you cry the next time you visit the dentist,” is what he says instead, bumping his shoulder into Daniel’s triumphantly – although he does add, because he can never just leave it when Daniel is disappointed, “I can make you an omelette once we get home if you want.”
Daniel lets out the hugest, most exaggerated sigh as he turns his head to pout at Seongwoo. “Alright then,” he says pitifully, and he doesn’t let go of Seongwoo’s hand for a single moment until they reach home.
(An extract from the transcript of RECORDING 087-B2 – ONG SEONGWOO:)
[ faint shuffling of papers ]
JISUNG: Well, I feel like you may have covered this in our previous session, but perhaps you might have something else to add – when did you first feel that you wanted to be in a relationship with Daniel?
SEONGWOO: [ laughing ] Yeah, I have a tendency to overshare, or overdramatise. It’s an occupational hazard. [ a pause ] When, though…I don’t think I can say exactly when. It really just feels like it just – happened. One day I just woke up and realised I was in love with Daniel. It’s cliched, but there it is. [ snorts ] If you want a little less specific, it was sometime around the last year of high school. The year of formative and life-changing realisations.
[ both chuckling ]
JISUNG: Alright, now what do you like about Daniel? Go wild.
SEONGWOO: [ a pause ] Am I allowed to say ‘everything’? I mean, I can definitely think of things off the top of my head that I really don’t like about him, but somehow it all adds up into a person that I really, really like. He always has a kind word for everyone, and he melts into an actual puddle of goo the moment you show him a cat. It doesn’t even have to be real – just a picture will make him squeal. [ a pause ] He’s strong, but he’s also emotional. He’s kind of impulsive, and he does things without thinking a lot of the time, and he’s really not the best at planning ahead, but that’s what makes him endearing, really. It’s just – the way he’s so unaware of how disgustingly lovable he is. [ a sigh, half-amused ] I like the way he holds my hand, without any hesitation at all. And – [ another pause, a soft swallow ] I like the way his voice sounds when he calls me ‘boyfriend’. I just like a lot of things about him. [ laughing softly ]
[ a brief silence ]
JISUNG: [ quietly ] And has there been any significant change in your feelings towards Daniel since your relationship started?
SEONGWOO: For me, I mean, being the one who started off with the crush, I suppose yes. Just a little bit. I think we were lucky to have been best friends before anything – I already knew all his bad habits and his dark pasts, and all the not-so-great things about him. But even then I think it was kind of unavoidable that I had this sort of ideal situation in my mind, about what it would be like if we were ever in a relationship. [ a pause ] It probably won’t surprise you, but reality wasn’t anything like my imagination, obviously. [ snickering ] Our friendship didn’t shift that much. It was more like a slow evolution, an upgraded version of our old relationship. I don’t even know if this is making any sense, but I suppose I went from idealising our possible relationship to accepting it for what it actually was. I’m still stupidly in love with Niel, but in a more…grounded way, I guess you could say.
JISUNG: Can you recall a time when Daniel upset you?
SEONGWOO: [ laughing ] You’re going to have to be more specific than that. He’s probably upset me a million times over the past decade.
JISUNG: [ chuckling ] Alright, a time when he upset you in the past two years then, when you two were already dating.
SEONGWOO: Mm. [ slowly ] Niel is…very soft-hearted. I’m not. I can be nice when I need to, but I can also cut someone down if I feel like it. Daniel can’t bear to hurt people – he’ll bend over backwards for them, even if it means hurting himself. [ wryly ] That’s one of the things I love and hate about him, by the way. Once, one of his exes asked him out to a bar to ‘catch up’ – and I’m not saying this because I’m jealous or anything, but this was one of the nasty ones. I asked him not to go. I said there wasn’t any point to it, because if the guy had wanted to apologise or something, he’d have done it through a proper dinner. He went anyway, obviously, and to this day I still don’t know what went down, but he came home in tears and I was so mad. I was mad at him for not taking my advice – you know, his best friend. His boyfriend. The one with his best interests at heart. I was pissed at that guy, of course, but I also was so angry at myself. That I hadn’t done more, that I hadn’t physically held him back or offered to make dinner for him or suggested a movie night instead. I dunno. It’s not really a big deal in the grand scheme of things – I doubt Daniel’s thought about that guy in months – but that night, I really felt like I’d failed him.
JISUNG: [ gently ] We’re coming to the end now. Have you ever felt that there was an imbalance of feelings between the two of you?
SEONGWOO: [ a wet-sounding chuckle ] You’re asking this question to a guy who had an unrequited crush on his best friend for eons? Yeah, I mean, obviously I felt that way before we started dating. But I think even now it’s also difficult for me to really understand that he likes me back in the same way. It’s just too surreal. Sometimes I’m convinced that I like Daniel so much more than he’ll ever like me, but then I feel that I’m being too unfair to him. It’s a confusing situation. Let’s just say that I do feel that there’s an imbalance, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that there actually is one.
JISUNG: And lastly, have you ever felt romantic attraction towards anyone else since the start of your relationship?
SEONGWOO: [ thoughtfully ] Physical attraction, sure. But romantic attraction, as in emotional? [ firmly ] Never. It’s always been Daniel.
“So, how was it?” Jaehwan looks like he’s preparing to hear the juiciest gossip of his life, and Seongwoo honestly just wants to smack him upside the head for being annoying. And for orchestrating this whole mess.
“It was fine,” he mutters, picking at his noodles just a little too violently with his chopsticks.
“It was weird,” Daniel pipes up. His tone is odd, and Seongwoo doesn’t know if it’s just his imagination that Daniel has been trying and failing to subtly avoid meeting his eyes for the past twenty minutes. It shouldn’t hurt his feelings that having to pretend they’re in a relationship is weirding Daniel out so much, but it does anyway.
Jaehwan’s brows raise in shameless interest. “Weird how?” he asks eagerly.
Daniel shrugs, darting a glance towards Seongwoo that Seongwoo pretends not to see, although more out of kindness to himself than to Daniel. “I dunno, just – the fact that I had to answer all those weird emotion-related questions while thinking about Seongwoo as a person –” He shrugs again and laughs, and Seongwoo has to resist the urge to ask him to finish his sentence. What? he wants to say. What are you thinking about?
Instead, he demands in mock offence, “So you mean to say that all these years, you haven’t even been thinking of me as a person?” Puffing out his chest, he turns his face huffily away from Daniel as Jaehwan starts to snigger.
This is the easy way out, falling back on old jokes that he knows for sure Daniel will react to. Seongwoo has always enjoyed the safety of his comfort zone.
Right on cue, Daniel begins to splutter, “No – I mean…ugh. Seongwoo...” He does it every time, getting flustered for a bare moment before finally seeing the humour of the situation. Seongwoo finds it sweetly endearing, although he can’t exactly claim to be unbiased.
They head to the library after lunch, splitting off from Jaehwan fairly quickly, since he has a class in about five minutes and looks less than enthused about it. The walk over is comfortably silent. Whatever residual awkwardness from the interview seems to have dissipated, and Daniel’s trademark cheeky smile is back on his face as he waves to various friends who pass the two of them by.
Seongwoo dismisses the first touch as an accident – just Daniel, walking unreasonably close to him again, the way he’s been doing recently – but then one of Daniel’s fingers brush past the back of his knuckles, and then another. He swallows and relaxes his hand, and slowly, nervously, Daniel slides his fingers in between Seongwoo’s. The motion is light, without any of the usual aggression that Daniel always exudes when he is trying very hard to play a part with his tragically limited acting abilities.
This is…different, and Seongwoo has no idea what to make of that.
“I told Jisung in the interview – I said I couldn’t live without you,” Daniel says slowly. “It’s true, you know. You’ve always been there for me.” His words are curious, confused almost, like he’s puzzling through a particularly difficult equation in his head as he speaks.
“Oh?” is all Seongwoo can reply, his usual eloquence deserting him between one breath and the next.
This time, he is the one who doesn’t dare to turn and look Daniel in the eye. All he can do is to hold on a little bit tighter, and try to commit the warmth of Daniel’s fingers to memory, just in case this is the last time he gets the chance to.
(An extract from the transcript of RECORDING 087-A3 – KANG DANIEL:)
JISUNG: [ cheerily ] Welcome back, Daniel. It’s our last interview today.
DANIEL: [ chuckling ] Yeah, it’s been – not exactly fun, I guess? But really interesting. I feel like I’m learning more about myself. And Seongwoo.
JISUNG: [ sounding amused ] Well, I hope that’s a good thing.
DANIEL: [ awkwardly ] Ah, yeah, well. Of course it is.
JISUNG: [ formally ] So today we will be covering the physical side of your relationship. Remember, if at any time you feel uncomfortable with any questions I ask, you can skip it. Don’t be shy.
DANIEL: [ nervously ] Uh, yeah. Got it.
JISUNG: To start off, would you say that you enjoy physical contact with others?
DANIEL: Oh, definitely. I mean, I’m not like the clingiest person ever, but with people I like I don’t mind things like putting my arm around their shoulders or whatever. It depends, I guess.
JISUNG: And how about Seongwoo? How is he with physical contact?
DANIEL: Uh, he’s definitely less into the whole touching thing than me, but it’s not like he’ll intentionally move away or anything if you pat his butt. [ laughs ] I mean, like I said, he’s a nice guy. But Seongwoo’s more of a verbal person for sure. Like he’ll compliment you a lot if he thinks you did a good job, or he’ll tell me if I look good in a certain outfit, that sort of thing.
JISUNG: So it seems that both of you are fairly different in terms of enjoyment of physical contact, am I right? Do you feel that this has affected your relationship in any way?
[ a brief pause ]
DANIEL: Nah, not at all. Partially because we’ve already known each other for so long? So we’ve reached this, uh, mutual understanding, I guess you could call it. Like, I know to what extent he’s comfortable with me, um, holding his hand or whatever. That sort of stuff. And I really like it when he compliments me – I mean, I really love getting compliments in general, but when Seongwoo says it I know he genuinely means it, you know? So, yeah, I guess it just works out for us. [ chuckling ] We’ve found a balance that suits us.
JISUNG: What is your favourite form of physical contact with your partner?
DANIEL: Um. [ an extended pause ] Uh. I guess holding hands? I mean – uh, I know that sounds super tame, but –
JISUNG: It’s alright to take your time. Slow down.
DANIEL: [ an audible breath ] Yeah, sorry. Uh, I guess it’s because holding hands is something you usually do while you’re doing something else as well? Like usually you’re walking, or just standing beside each other or whatever, and it’s like a sign that he’s on my mind even while I’m doing something else, and vice versa? [ another pause ] Sorry, this is just – I don’t know if this is coming across well. Like, if we hug it’s something that happens just between the two of us. If we, uh, do something else – kiss, or whatever, it’s purely us. But we can hold hands in a crowd, or if we’re talking to our friends, and – it just feels nice for me to know that he’s there even if we’re not focused 100% on each other right then. [ trailing off awkwardly ] Because Seongwoo is very, you know, important to me. So.
JISUNG: Of course. Now, this might be a tad personal – just to warn you in advance.
DANIEL: [ chuckling nervously ] Uh, okay.
JISUNG: Do you engage in intercourse with your partner?
DANIEL: [ sputtering ] Wait, what – uh, no! No. Yeah, um, no. We don’t. That’s all.
JISUNG: And have you engaged in intercourse with people who are not your partner?
[ an extended pause ]
DANIEL: [ quietly, sounding ashamed ] Yeah. One of my exes. He turned out to kind of suck in the end. Seongwoo was the one who – he was there for me after we broke up. I’m always a huge mess after break-ups, it’s kinda dumb. I mean, it’s really pretty amazing that he’s stuck around for so long, now that I think about it. [ distantly, as if to himself ] That’s gotta be like, some kind of love, right?
[ silence ]
JISUNG: [ gently ] Now, to end off, do you think that intercourse would enrich your relationship with Seongwoo further?
DANIEL: Um, I dunno. I mean, it hasn’t happened so it’s not like I can say for sure. [ chuckling awkwardly, the creak of someone shifting in their seat ] I dunno, I don’t really have anything else to say about this. Sorry.
JISUNG: It’s perfectly fine. I really appreciate your participation, Daniel – all your answers are really going to help me in my paper, you know. Do you have any final comments about anything at all before you walk out through that door and collect your payment for the last time?
[ both chuckling ]
DANIEL: I think – these interviews helped me think more deeply about my relationship with Seongwoo. I think I’ve realised a lot of things about us that I never thought about before. I feel – I mean, it feels…weird? But also right? That I’m finally realising how much he means to me. I dunno, this is probably really vague, but I think that I should be the one thanking you for doing these interviews. [ a pause ] I think – I think that after Seongwoo finishes his interview with you, I’m gonna tell him that I love him. Properly this time. Like, for real. I think, you know, maybe he’d like to hear that from me.
JISUNG: [ softly ] I wish you all the best, Daniel. And I hope to see you around campus sometime.
Seongwoo can’t help finishing off the last sentence of his paper with an exaggerated flourish of his hand on the keyboard, before letting it drop to his lap. It’s close to one in the morning and he’s barely winning the battle to keep his eyes open, but he’s also absolutely starving. Drawing his arm across his eyes, he tilts his head back – he can still hear the television going on outside, which means that Daniel is awake.
Carefully making sure that his paper is saved and that he won’t have to kill himself rewriting anything, Seongwoo grabs his jacket from the bed and calls, “Niel! Supper?”
There is no response, and he groans.
Pushing his way out of the room, mouth half-open to repeat his question, he stops short at the sight of Daniel curled up on the couch, neck crooked at a horribly uncomfortable-looking angle, expression peaceful as the light from the TV flickers on his face. Something in Seongwoo’s chest aches at the sight, even as his lips pull into a tired smirk.
He switches the TV off with a click of the remote and watches as Daniel stirs ever so slightly, a soft sigh flowing from his mouth as he turns.
“Hey,” Seongwoo says softly, walking over and reaching out to ruffle at Daniel’s hair lightly, the strands soft between his fingers. He lets his hands trail down the side of Daniel’s face, past his ear to brush his cheek with the very tips of his fingers, resisting the urge to stroke right along the angle of Daniel’s jaw.
At the feather-soft movement, Daniel finally shifts, lashes fluttering as he forces himself into wakefulness. “Wha –?” he mumbles, yawning widely as he peers groggily up at Seongwoo.
“You fell asleep,” Seongwoo points out quite unnecessarily, with a smile that should be less amused than it really is. “You should’ve gone to bed, idiot.”
Daniel wrinkles his nose at him. “Ungrateful. I was waiting for you,” he retorts, but his tone is still heavy with sleep. “Are you done? Aren’t you hungry?”
Despite himself, Seongwoo feels himself grinning wide. “Famished,” he confesses, plopping down onto the couch beside Daniel and curling his legs onto the seat. “I can just find something in the fridge though. Or we could make some ramen. We don’t have to go out.”
Daniel yawns again – he’s never been the best at waking up prematurely – and slumps over, one arm snaking its way about Seongwoo’s waist as his head comes to rest heavily against Seongwoo’s shoulder. “Okay,” he says thickly. “Make me ramen please.”
All Seongwoo can think is that he wants death – preferably right there and then.
Instead, he sighs, exasperated, “Not with you strangling me like a sloth.” The fact is that if he turns his head he would probably be able to stick his nose right into Daniel’s hair – not that he is thinking of doing anything like that. He does, however, allow himself to rest his hand on Daniel’s arm, the one lying across his stomach, and he closes his eyes when Daniel only exhales in response, seemingly ready to nod off at any moment once again.
“It’s your fault for finishing your work so late,” Daniel huffs against his neck, and Seongwoo scoffs. As if Kang Daniel is immune to the flaw of excessive procrastination.
“You should just go to bed,” he says at last, shrugging his shoulder and quirking a smile at Daniel’s grunt of annoyance when his head is jostled rudely. “We have to get up for that last interview thing for the study tomorrow too. C’mon.”
Standing, Seongwoo pulls on Daniel’s arms, huffing and puffing against the weight of Daniel’s immovable form until he finally gives up and whines, “Come on, you huge lump.” Cracking an eyelid open to peer at Seongwoo’s disgruntled expression, Daniel bursts into mischievous laughter and finally gets to his feet, letting himself be pulled into his room.
“Are you going to sleep too?” Daniel asks, with an innocence that Seongwoo really doesn’t know how he still possesses.
“Yeah. My stomach can wait till breakfast,” he sighs, pushing Daniel bodily into bed with a strained noise of effort. “Set your alarm or I swear I’ll dump a bucket of cold water over you tomorrow, and then you can explain to Jisung why you look like a drowned puppy at the interview.”
Daniel grins, his teeth flashing white in the dim light filtering in from the living room. “As if you’d even be able to lift the bucket.”
“Asshole,” Seongwoo mutters.
He’s just about to leave the room when Daniel’s voice sounds once again from the darkness, making him pause in his tracks in the doorway.
“This might be the last night I get to say this, so – goodnight, boyfriend.”
For once, Seongwoo can’t tell what Daniel means by that – it doesn’t quite sound like a joke, but it’s not exactly completely serious either. He stares blindly at the wall ahead of him, deafened by the pounding of his heart in his ears, and feels the emptiness of his stomach transform into another kind of nausea all together.
“Night,” he says quietly, “Niel.”
(An extract from the transcript of RECORDING 087-B3 – ONG SEONGWOO:)
JISUNG: So, our last interview. How are you feeling today?
SEONGWOO: [ laughing ] Kind of nervous, actually. I was thinking about the themes while waiting – we had general, then emotional, then…physical?
JISUNG: [ sounding amused ] And you would be quite right.
SEONGWOO: [ jokingly ] Damn.
JISUNG: Remember, you can skip any question if it makes you feel uncomfortable. Don’t hesitate to ask me to move on. [ a brief silence ] So, to start off, do you enjoy physical contact with others?
SEONGWOO: Well, it’s not my favourite thing in the world, but I don’t mind it when it comes to close friends and family. I’m not much of an initiator, but I do like it when it comes to people like Daniel, obviously. It’s not my love language, you might say. [ chuckling ]
JISUNG: And how about Daniel?
SEONGWOO: [ wryly ] Niel is – freer with his affections. Like I’ve said before, his heart is basically as soft as jelly. He likes to have contact with people he likes, but he likes almost everyone, so there’s very little discrimination going on. [ a soft huff ] A lot of people say it because of his face, but he really is like a very friendly puppy in personality as well. [ fondly ] He just thrives when he gets attention.
JISUNG: And how has this difference in comfort levels with physical contact affected your relationship?
[ a brief silence ]
SEONGWOO: Well, I wouldn’t say it’s really affected our relationship. Maybe, yeah – sometimes I do get a little jealous when I see him let other people leave their arms over his shoulder or whatever, but on some level I know it’s completely irrational. It’s not going to affect how we feel about each other. I know – I mean, I trust what he feels for me. It’s as simple as that. We’ve learned to moderate ourselves over the years. It’s like tuning an instrument, you know? We’ve tuned ourselves to fit each other perfectly by now – it’s a give and take situation.
JISUNG: And what is your favourite form of physical contact with Daniel?
SEONGWOO: When – [ a pause ] When he hugs me. He’s kind of broad, so he gives really nice hugs. He makes me feel like – shit, this is going to be so cheesy, but when he hugs me I feel like that’s where I belong. It’s warm and safe and I just always want it to go on forever. But I also like it when we’re just at home watching a movie or something and he stretches out on the couch because he’s getting sleepy, and he puts his feet on my lap. [ chuckling ] I know this is so gross, seriously, but it just feels really domestic to me, and I really like that. Sometimes when I imagine us in the future it’s a lot of dumb, mundane little moments like this. Just us together, doing something really meaningless, and there’s nothing more comfortable than that.
JISUNG: Alright. [ clearing his throat ] Do you engage in intercourse with your partner?
SEONGWOO: [ startled ] Uh. [ an extended pause, with a hint of hesitation for the first time ] No. No, we haven’t slept together.
JISUNG: How about with other people who are not your partner?
SEONGWOO: I – [ another pause, a little more loudly ] No, never.
JISUNG: [ apologetically ] This is the last question now. Since the two of you haven’t had intercourse, do you think it would enrich your relationship if you did?
SEONGWOO: [ slowly ] I don’t know, really. It might, and that’d be nice – but it’s also not the most important thing to me. I just really want Niel to be happy. I don’t think there’s anything I wouldn’t do to make him happy. He’s had other boyfriends before and you’d think that I’d be miserable throughout, but I wasn’t. I mean, there was some element of sadness to it, but to see him happy, always coming back with excited stories to tell me – it made me think that maybe they were a better choice for him, that maybe he was happier with them than he would be with me. Knowing that he was actually happy with his person of choice at that moment made the hurt a little more bearable. So for me, I’m satisfied with how our relationship is right now, but if Niel ever wanted to take it further, I wouldn’t say no.
JISUNG: Thank you. That’s all I have for today – for the whole study actually. [ chuckling ] Is there anything you want to say that won’t be part of the research? Feedback, comments, anything.
[ a brief silence ]
SEONGWOO: Well, firstly, I hope your thesis goes well. [ chuckling ] I think you conducted the interviews well. It was comfortable, in part because you’re a very approachable person. I feel like I revisited all the reasons I fell in love with my best friend over the past three sessions, and I don’t know if I should thank you for that. [ laughing ] But, yeah, I really hope this helped. It would be sad if this went to waste.
JISUNG: It won’t, I promise you. [ a brief pause ] If that’s all, Daniel did mention he would be waiting for you outside, so I suppose I shouldn’t take up anymore of your time. [ sounding amused ] See you around, Seongwoo.
Daniel is slouched against the wall of the building, scuffing the toe of his sneakers against the ground, when Seongwoo emerges, tucking his wallet into his back pocket as he looks around.
“Hey,” he calls, smiling faintly once he catches sight of Daniel.
Daniel jerks as if startled, and his eyes when he turns are wide. “Hey,” he says in reply as he trots over, the odd expression on his face making Seongwoo stop in his tracks, brows furrowing.
“What?” he demands half-playfully, one corner of his lips curling upwards hesitantly. “Do I have something on my face?”
Daniel shakes his head and finally laughs, linking his fingers with Seongwoo’s and pulling them both down the path at an unhurried amble. Seongwoo looks down at their joined hands in befuddlement and just hopes that he doesn’t end up puking out of sheer nerves.
“I never told you,” Daniel starts after a moment, “after you were there for me every time I was dumped, and every time I was sad, or just every time, basically – I never said thank you. It’s been years and you’ve always been by my side. It’s like, you and my mum – you two are the most constant constants in my life.”
Seongwoo blinks, wondering uneasily where this is going. “Don’t be ridiculous, there’s nothing to thank me for,” he says with a snort, but he can’t seem to look Daniel in the eye. “You’ve always been there for me too, every time I needed you.”
Daniel doesn’t say anything to that – he just continues on, relentless, like he’s afraid to stop or he might never be able to start again. “This interview thing, it’s been making me think. About my feelings for you. It’s like, I’ve just gotten so used to seeing you as my best friend that I never thought that we could actually be something else. But recently I’ve been starting to think that maybe I’ve been in love with you for a while now.”
Seongwoo knows that he’s gawking, his mouth wide open in the most gormless way possible, but he can’t stop even as Daniel turns to him with an uncharacteristically serious expression on his face. His grip on Seongwoo’s hand doesn’t loosen – it’s as if he’s afraid Seongwoo might run away, when it’s just about the last thought that might ever cross his mind.
Daniel laughs then, and it’s the bravest, most terrified little sound Seongwoo has ever heard from him. “I just wanted you to know, I guess. I mean, I don’t expect you to like me back, but you are the best person in my life, and I wanted you to know how much you mean to me, because I feel like I never say it enough, or at all, and –”
“You’re wrong,” Seongwoo says blankly.
Daniel blinks at the interruption, his expression going slack for a moment, before confusion knits his brows together.
Seongwoo shakes his head, almost sputtering in disbelief. “I mean, you’re wrong to think that I wouldn’t like you back. I do. I’ve liked you for years.” He slaps his free hand over his eyes. “I’m the hugest idiot, aren’t I? You basically took three seconds to confess and I’ve just been this coward standing here watching you for years and years.”
“You…like me?” The uncertainty in Daniel’s voice breaks Seongwoo’s heart a little. How could anyone not like Kang Daniel?
“No, I love you,” he corrects softly, with the faintest smile on his face.
When he sees Daniel’s face light up at that, he doesn’t let himself hesitate again – Seongwoo pushes forward, winding his arms about Daniel as he draws the other into a tight embrace. His eyes slide shut when he feels Daniel reach out to hold him just as securely, pressing his nose against Daniel’s neck so that all he can smell is the familiar soothing scent of peach cologne.
“Jaehwan is going to be absolutely unbearable once he finds out,” he mutters to himself after a moment, as the thought strikes him.
Daniel shifts against him at that, confused. “What?” he says, but Seongwoo only shakes his head and refuses to let go.
It doesn’t matter – it’ll be worth it anyway, because there’s nowhere else in the world he’d rather be right now than in Daniel's arms.