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“You’re gonna leave someday.” Lance whispered, making Keith raise his eyebrows.
“Lance, what are you talking about?” Keith whispered back.
They are lying in Lance’s bed, facing each other. The whole afternoon had been about music and laughs and air guitars but Spotify was on shuffle and when a calm, cloud-y song came in they settled down and just started to enjoy each other’s company.
It really is platonic, what they have. Lance is fully aware of this. However, sometimes his mind wanders and he thinks about the taste of Keith’s lips. He wonders if Keith would touch his face or his hips or if Lance was the one who would have to put them closer together. He wonders if it’ll happen one day. Will Keith ever get curious too? Would he hate it and pull away? Lance likes to think he wouldn’t, but knows the true answer.
“You talk a lot about ending up alone and that hurts me so much. Most of my time I think about you and us and everything we’ve built together. I spend so much time paying attention to you, enough time to know it’s impossible not to fall for you. You are so loveable, Keith. It’s so easy to want to hold your hand and call you “boyfriend”.” Lance's voice tembled. He was crying now. “Look, we have so much history together. I know you love me, I love you too. Deeply. But I know one day someone will look at you the same way I do and it’s gonna realize all the things I already know. And maybe you’ll want them back. Maybe you’ll want to spend more of your time with them and maybe you’ll want to kiss them. And maybe you will. Maybe you will kiss them and it’s gonna be sweet and tender but—I…”
Why did it have to be that way? Everything is so painful all the time. At the beginning, Lance only felt strong things for him when they weren’t talking and he had enough space to overthink but now they spend all of their time together and being close to him is making his body ache.
It’s too much. He keeps too much for himself. He keeps feelings that will never be reciprocated for a thousand reasons and he feels like shit every time he tries to talk to Keith about that. It’s like he’s blaming the boy when that’s not what happens. He just needs to talk about that and nobody understands and appreciates him as much as Keith does. He’s not begging to be loved back. He just hopes he’ll talk about it enough times that, one day, it will vanish. And he will be finally able to move on.
He took a deep breath and sat on the bed.
“Between us two, you are the one who’ll more likely get married, okay? It’s one of my dreams and I hate being this over-romantic little bitch, but I’m aware dreams don’t come true to the ones that truly want them. And that day—I’ll be so happy for you, don’t get me wrong—but… It’s going to be the end of an era, you know.”
You’re going to leave me, it’s what he wanted to say. But it was too egoistic to be said out loud.
“Why would I be the one to get married?” He sounded sad and Lance hated himself for making him this sad so many hours before bedtime. “You have a lot more experience on that part than I do. It’s simple.”
“I know I’m loud and obnoxious, Keith. Everything about me is so chaotic and unstable. Nobody would want to spend a lifetime with… this.” He gesticulated at himself.
“I want to.”
“But not in that way!” He almost screamed out of frustration. Keith shrunk himself. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to yell at you.”
“I… don’t deserve to be treated like this. I love you, Lance, but I can’t. If you don’t know how to value what we have without it being romantic, I don’t know what I can do for you anymore.”
He turned away, heading for the door.
“Are you leaving for forever?” Lance said.
“No. I told you I would never leave you. I just can’t deal with this right now. I’m sorry too.”
He left.