Chapter Text
Lee Siyeon was just a weak-minded girl.
The clock on the wall indicated it was 2:13 in the morning, but she felt as if it was afternoon. Her biological clock was a mess.
She was standing in front of the window, her fingers caressed the glass, drawing imaginary pictures on it. She had been there for hours, just looking outside and wondering if the temperature outside was warmer or colder than her room was at the time.
Outside there were few cars on the street, there were no people walking, or at least she could not see any from her position, and the rain was getting stronger and stronger.
She loved the rain.
No, she had loved the rain, but she no longer did.
Or maybe she still loved it, but not with the same intensity. Certainly, she didn't know.
A thunder and a strong explosion made her close her eyes for a few seconds, she let out a sigh when she opened them again. The light was gone, as she expected, not a surprise.
That was probably one of the reasons why the rain had stopped pleasing her.
Maybe it wasn't even a reason.
Or maybe there was no reason at all. Certainly, she didn't know.
Everything was dark now. However, for Siyeon everything was always dark. She moved away from the window and closed the curtains.
Despite the darkness, she walked through the apartment without stumbling or hesitation. She remembered the location of things perfectly. Just now she would like to make some joking comment about her "night vision", if she had a friend.
When she arrived to the kitchen, she opened the refrigerator and took out one of the 21 bottles of water (without exaggeration, she counted them), then walked to the living room and sat on the couch.
As she drank, she thought she heard a sound, something like a grunt. Hunger?
No, maybe the sound didn't come from her stomach, but from the outside.
She hadn't eaten in two days, maybe she was hungry.
Or maybe it was nothing of that kind and she just imagined what she heard in the first place. She certainly didn't know.
She placed the bottle on the table in front of the couch and settled down, covering her head with the blanket she brought from her room, and closed her eyes.
Lately she had slept very little... about three or four hours in the afternoon, or in the morning, she didn't remember. She also didn't remember how long she had been sleeping on the couch.
Her room was comfortable during the day, during the afternoon, during the night, during the rain, during the cold and heat... but not during sleep. She could be there, think there, lie there, eat there, spend the whole day there... but not sleep there.
Nightmares.
Her bedroom wasn't comfortable enough to sleep anymore, maybe because of the noises filtering through the window.
Maybe it wasn't the noises coming from outside, but from inside, from her mind.
Or maybe the mattress was old and she had to buy a new one that was more comfortable. Certainly, she didn't know.
The rain was getting louder, the sound was the most relaxing she had ever heard. Before she would say that the melodies of a piano were the most relaxing, or even a violin, but the instruments... the music... was no longer something she enjoyed, now it was just a bunch of meaningless noise. Ironic, because Siyeon was the main vocalist and guitarist of an alternative rock band.
Her cell phone was starting to ring, she could hear it, too loud for her liking. Lately everything was too much for her liking.
With a sigh, she rose and walked with the intention of going to her room, but stopped abruptly. The noise didn't come from her room.
She turned on her heels and entered to the kitchen, on the table was her cell phone, the screen was lit illuminating part of the place.
She didn't leave her cell phone there, she left it on the bedroom.
Maybe someone came in and left it there instead of her bed.
Or maybe she was just being paranoid and didn't remember that she herself had left it there. She certainly didn't know.
Her mind is not something she could trust, nothing was something she could really trust. Not even herself.
When she reacted and took the cell phone, it had stopped ringing. She had over 30 notifications of things she didn't care about at all and a few messages from her parents that she wouldn't respond to.
Her cell phone rang again and she answered no before seeing that it was Kim Minji, the leader and bassist of her band.
“Hello? Siyeon, I need to tell you something”.
She didn't answer. She never did.
“Okay, I'm going to assume you're listening to me”.
Siyeon rolled her eyes.
“Yoobin had some problems with the composition of the last song. Her mother's birthday is in two days and her whole family is going to travel to Brazil for a week as a celebration, I suppose you understand that she wants to have a good time and not work during that time”.
“Hmm” it was the slight confirmation she pronounced.
“Well, this is all that's left to start with the recordings and all the rest, so... I wonder if...” her voice was hesitant, almost as if she was afraid of Siyeon's reaction. “Can you finish it? Yoohyeon and I are doing touch-ups on the others and now that you don't have anything to do...”
It was a good way to tell Siyeon that she spent the day locked up in her apartment doing nothing but crying and pitying.
She could almost imagine Minji biting her nails while she was waiting for her answer.
“Hmm”.
“Is that a yes?”
“... Hmm”.
“Perfect!” shouted the girl on the other side of the line. “It won't be too hard, you'll see. Yoobin wrote some notes, I'll send them to you by e-mail”.
Siyeon cut off the call, left her cell phone on the table, and in less than 10 minutes she was outside the apartment, in front of a coffee shop that was open all 24 hours, with an umbrella to cover herself from the rain.
She did not even remember the last time she went out, but it was not something she was paying attention to now. At this point, All that mattered was the song she had to compose, and the inspiration she had to get to do it.
Minutes passed, she didn't count how many. She watched from the outside the six people inside the coffe shop, almost all of them looking like students. She looked at the street, looked at her building, looked at the sky, the traffic signs, the ground, and the water that ran on the asphalt.
She felt nothing, as usual.
As she was about to leave to look for inspiration in another place, she heard the jingle of the coffee shop bell and turned to see the person leaving the place, a young woman who, unfortunately, didn't have an umbrella and used a book to cover herself from the rain.
She had no major interest in it and could have let it pass if it wasn't for the fact that she was wearing a leather jacket with her band logo on the back.
When she saw her grumbling and shivering from the cold, she felt something... after a long time she felt something, but she wasn't sure what it was. Maybe it was a pity for the girl who was getting wet.
Maybe she just wanted to be kind and share her umbrella with her, and then walk together in the rain... Siyeon thought about it for a second even though it sounded very cliche.
Maybe talking to a fan would help inspire her (she wanted to think she was a fan and not someone who just bought the jacket because she thought it was nice).
Or maybe the girl was too attractive to let her go just like that (although Siyeon had been thinking she was asexual for years).
She acted without thinking much, crossing herself in front of the stranger, realizing that the girl was shorter than her even though she was wearing heels. She wasted no time and began to observe her closely. Her hair was dark brown, her skin was pale and soft, her lips were red as well as her dress, her nose was long and profiled, her eyes were black, but somehow they shone... Her face was beautiful and without imperfections.
No, she was beautiful from head to toe.
Or that nervous expression on her face was even more beautiful than everything else. Certainly, she didn't know.
“Uh, excuse me...”
Her voice was more hoarse than it was supposed to be, probably because of the days she had been without speaking or the cold environment.
It might sound ridiculous, but for a moment she forgot how to talk to someone else. Had such beauty stunned her? Again, it sounded very cliche.
She cleared her throat a little and tried again.
“I can walk with you, if you want" she said, placing the umbrella over both of them. “Then you won't have to keep getting wet”.
She failed in her intent to sound selfless, but she didn't care, if she accepted her company.
“No need, don't bother “ and as if that weren't enough, she had a beautiful voice. “Actually, I don't have to go very far”.
“It's no bother" she insisted. “Let me go with you”.
The girl seemed to hesitate, but then she stared at her, and blinked many times in a very short time before opening her eyes in a surprised expression.
“Aren't you...?”
Seeing the flame of recognition in her eyes, Siyeon smiled, and the simple act of doing so made her feel strange. It had been so long since the last time she smiled honestly, that she felt a tickle on her lips.
“Lee Siyeon" she introduced herself, her smile grew wider. “A pleasure”.
“Oh, God... The pleasure is mine! I hardly recognize you by the darkness, I'm sorry... My God, you are Lee Siyeon!”
It was funny to see the emotion on the girl's face, even envy, or maybe... She shook her head trying to get her thoughts out, it was no time to think.
The girl's anxiety was so intense that it began to infect her.
“I don't blame you, it's really too dark in here” that's all she could think to say. “You know me, but I don't know you. What's your name?”
“Bora, Kim Bora" she smiled. "I'm really your fan! I've known your band for a few months. I never miss a concert. I have all your albums. I can't believe you're in front of me!”
Needless to say, her smile was beautiful too.
“Oh... that's...”
What was she supposed to say at a time like that? More like, how should she feel? Happy? Excited too? Now she realized how numb she was about it. Months ago she would have cried for happiness, now... now she could only pretend.
“Thank you, I don't know what to say" she faked a shy smile. “It's not every day to be recognized by a fan. We don't have many”.
And she wasn't lying about that. Her band was doing well in sales, yes, but they didn't have a very big fandom. However, Bora didn't keep quiet and tried to cheer her up.
“Don't say that! You have many fans. Maybe not many in Korea, but around the world”.
“Thank you" she looked down, thinking about how to change the theme before her mind ruined the moment. “And where were you going? It's too late for you to be walking alone”.
“Oh, I just went out for a coffee and read, it helps with the insomnia. Now I'm going home, I live near here, in that building over there" she said.
Her heart gave a strong beat, only one, and she beat normally again. She lived in the same building as her.
Siyeon thought it was interesting how the girl let herself be carried away by the emotion of meeting an artist that she liked and gave away very important information like that without thinking about how dangerous that could be. Although this time, being her, Bora was safe.
Or maybe Siyeon wasn't as inoffensive as she seemed.
Or maybe she was simply allowing her mind to keep bothering her. She certainly didn't know.
“I live there too. On the fourth floor" she said, taking the girl by the hand, although she didn't seem to notice.
Her hands were small, soft and warm.
Warm... Really warm.
“Are you serious? Me too. I can't believe it!”
Siyeon smiled.
“What a coincidence, don't you think?”
…
She didn't know exactly how it happened, but Bora was sitting on the couch in her living room with a big smile, looking around like it was a work of art. She assumed she invited her to come in because it was the most logical thing to do.
And when did the light return? She did not even notice. She did not remember the moment they entered the apartment in the first place.
This was unusual, it was just disconcerting. How did it happen? Siyeon wouldn't let anyone in, not even her parents, not even Minji, only Yoohyeon (the band's second guitarist and vocalist) had come in once and it was because Siyeon was drunk that day (which she couldn't remember either, by the way).
Now there was a beautiful girl, who she recently met, tucked into her apartment, sitting on her couch, looking at her with admiration.
When did this night stop making sense?
“Uh... I'm sorry about the mess" she said without knowing what to do now.
Bora shook her head without wiping the smile off her face.
“It's beautiful" she laughed slightly. “I thought it would be like this. I didn't expect it any other way. Artists are... disordered in some way”.
Siyeon nodded, strangely agreeing. She was disordered, more than Bora could imagine.
She took the empty bottle on the table and looked at the girl for a moment before moving away.
“Do you want something? Water maybe?” she asked, walking to the kitchen.
“Water is fine!”
Her answer relieved her because she had nothing else to offer. Her refrigerator only had 20 bottles of water. The cupboard had nothing but a bit of sugar and honey. Maybe she should buy food.
Or maybe she should just stay like that until she died of starvation.
Or maybe this wasn't the time to think about anything other than the girl in the living room.
Oh, she was sure of something for the first time in a long time. This was no time to think of anything other than the girl in the living room.
She took a bottle, opened a drawer and... she smiled, she smiled with no reason, or maybe there was, but she really didn't want to think about it.
“Do you want to help me with something?” she asked as she returned to the room.
Now she was sitting next to Bora on the couch, with her compositions notebook on her lap.
The girl was so excited that she didn't notice Siyeon's dark, slightly sinister gaze.
“Of course, I'd love to!” she nodded quickly and smiled. "What can I do for you?”
Bora smiled a lot, too much for her liking.
“I need to compose a song, but I have something like...” she stopped to think of the right word. “Like a...”
“Block of inspiration?” Bora came forward.
“Oh, yes... that" she smiled, staring at her. “I think you can help me, just... mention some things that you like”.
Bora nodded, playing with the half-empty bottle of water in her hands. Siyeon wanted to read her mind to find out what she was thinking, because she could feel her nervous, and that made her anxious.
Or at least she thought that was it.
“Okay. I like elephants... I like the color red. I like horror and action movies”.
Again she felt a sudden, irregular heartbeat in her chest, but this time followed by others and accompanied by a tickling sensation in her hands.
She didn't want to try to know what that was about, not now that she was so focused on Bora's beauty.
She wanted that beauty in her song.
“Oh, I love the rain, too. And the music.
Siyeon got up slowly.
“I think it's working, I already have some ideas" she said quietly, more for herself than for the girl.
“Really?”
“Can you close your eyes?”
Bora looked at her confused this time.
“Just keep talking like you were doing, but with your eyes closed, I feel more secure that way" she said it so that it sounded convincing.
“Eh... Well, here I go”.
Bora obeyed even though her smile was now wavering.
“Go on, please”.
“I like to dance...” her voice vibrated a little. “I like coffee...” she started to stutter. “I like to read and watch movies and dramas...” her hands were also shaking.
Siyeon wielded her right hand. Her body moved without her noticing. Or maybe she was aware of what was going on, but she liked to deceive herself by pretending otherwise. Certainly, she wanted to pretend she didn't know.
Bora opened her eyes.
“Wait... What are you going to do? ... No, stop!”
The expression of fear and pain on her face was beautiful.
The way her lower lip trembled was beautiful.
But nothing was more beautiful to Siyeon than her shining gaze... her makeup began to break down because of some tears that formed in her eyes. It was beautiful.
She must have felt guilty about what went through her mind, what she did with her hands, but that was not the case.
After all, Lee Siyeon was just a weak-minded girl.
Kim Bora was just a beautiful girl and, at the same time, she was all the inspiration she needed.
Her skin was even more delicate than she thought.
Her dress was more fragile than it seemed.
Her hands were warm, but her insides were even warmer.
Her hair smelled so good, but her blood smelled even better.
And as if that were not enough, her screams were beautiful as well.
…
“Hello? Siyeon? Are you okay?” Minji asked across the line. “It's very unusual for you to call me and it's very early. I'm getting worried”.
“I finished the song" answered Siyeon breathlessly, her gaze fixed on the window of her room.
The sunlight had never hurt her eyes so much. Maybe it was because of sleep.
Maybe it was tears.
Or maybe she had spent a long time without blinking. Certainly, it could be all at once.
“You’re talking to me! Uh... Wait, wait... The song... In one night?!" exclaimed the girl. "You're crazy! I can't believe you”.
“I sent it to you by e-mail”.
“Really... you.... Wow... Did you use Yoobin's notes?”
“Yes, I did" she sighed and spoke again. “I want to choose the name too”.
“Oh, well, that's a group decision, but go ahead”.
“All About You Is Beautiful”.
“Wow... Since when do you write love songs?” Minji laughed incredulously.
“It's not love, it's more like...” she put a hand to her head, playing with her hair. “Desire and obsession, a beautiful and anxious desire, and obsession”.
“Wow, this is so different from you" she laughed again. “It sounds very good and seems to fit the album well. Okay, I'll read it along with Yoohyeon who's still here with me and I'll tell you how we felt about it”.
“Hey, and another thing, Minji...”
“Yeah, tell me”.
“Can you bring a suitcase later?”
“A suitcase? Uh... Sure. What for?”
“Look for a big one”.
“Will you travel?”
“No”.
“Then, what for?”
“I want to put away something big”.
“What will you do, hide a corpse?” she joked with a slight laugh.
The line was silent. Minji released an uncomfortable cough seconds later.
“Are you still there?”
“Don't forget to bring the suitcase. Oh, and get a stain remover”.
“Siyeon, I know you're weird, but what do you need all that for?”
“See you later”.
…
“Where was I?” she mumbled, caressing the hair of the girl lying on her chest. “As a fan, you should be happy. The song I've written is about you and for you”.
Bora's hair was a mess. Maybe she would look more beautiful with her hair arranged.
Maybe she wasn't so beautiful anymore.
Maybe her song stole all her beauty.
“Who am I kidding? Everything about you is beautiful" she smiled, caressing the girl's cheeks with the knife's edge, staining them with some blood. “Even lifeless”.
She closed her eyes and let herself be carried away by sleep, in her bed, after a long time.
At another time, she would be bothered by the wetness and red spots on the bed, but right now she didn't care.
Or maybe she was too tired to bother about it.
Or maybe she liked it. Certainly, she was calm even if she didn't know it.
After all, Lee Siyeon was just a weak-minded girl.