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“Its just not a good idea,” Tim said, shaking his head as if for extra effect. It wasn’t the first time that they had this same, tired conversation and frankly, it was becoming as exasperating as it was painful. “I don’t know what you expect me to say.”
It was finals week for college students in Gotham and Tim was extra busy studying for said exams, on top of doing his nightly outings at Red Robin. When the week was finally ending, Dick appeared on Tim’s doorstep with a couple boxes of pizza and Chinese take-out.
But Tim knew that Dick coming over had a catch.
It was like a scene in a play they were trapped in, bound to repeat it over and over again.
From where he sat at the kitchen island, Dick watched Tim glide about the kitchen, putting away clean dishes and piling the dirty ones in the sink. He always loved watching Tim move; graceful, like a dancer no matter what he was doing. “A ‘yes, I love you too, Dick’ would have been nice.”
Tim sighed and paused what he was doing so that he could look Dick in the eye, for emphasis. “You know I do,” and he continued cleaning and organizing his kitchen from the aftermath of their rather unhealthy feast. He wasn’t sure how they managed to dirty so many dishes on a take-out meal.
“Then what’s the problem?” Dick probed with a little bit of annoyance slipping into his tone, mostly by accident. He regretted his tone instantly when Tim’s shoulders slumped slightly that, to an untrained eye, would be completely unnoticeable. But Dick wasn’t untrained.
Tim wasn’t down for long and in just a split of a second, he was back to moving around his kitchen, doing a little bit of this and a bit of that. “You know what the problem is,” Tim informed him simply, tossing the take-out boxes into the trash with a little more force than was necessary. The conversation grew old and tired the last time they had it and Tim was wondering just how many times Dick will insist on having it.
“No, I don’t know,” Dick said, this time, purposefully trying to sound a little frustrated because he loved Tim and Tim just said he loved him back, so why couldn’t they just be together? “Tell me.”
“Well, we’re supposed to be brothers, for one thing,” Tim said, matter-of-factly. The older man’s tone didn’t go over his head. He knew Dick was frustrated with him, but he just couldn’t offer what it is Dick wants in a romantic relationship. “Gotham isn’t the most… open-minded of cities for a second thing.”
“Since when did you care what other people thought?” Dick asked, “As long as you’re happy, who cares what everyone else thinks?”
“Then, what about our family?” Tim asked. He was finished in the kitchen and everything was up to his standards elsewhere in his little home so now there was nothing left he could do but just have this conversation with Dick. “What about Bruce and Alfred? Jason, Damian, Cassandra, Barbara? What will they think?” After a couple moments, he added, “I don’t know what I’d do if they rejected me… us.”
“They won’t, though, Tim,” Dick told the smaller boy with the most sincere tone he could muster. There was no saying how the others might react and he would be lying if he didn’t have that same fear. But Dick Grayson wasn’t the type to let fear make his decisions for him. He reached over the kitchen island and took Tim’s hand. “They won’t.”
“How can you be so sure?” Tim asked, harshly pulling his hand back. “You can’t promise me that.”
“I can,” Dick insisted, hoping Tim would maybe believe him this time. Listening to Tim underestimate their family hurt, because they were their family and they had never let them down before. “I can because I know them. You know them.”
Tim shrugged, folding his arms over his chest. “People can change.”
Dick was silent for a moment. He looked over Tim; he had somewhere along the way grown in to himself, he made sweatpants and a t-shirt look good. His black hair was in need of a trim but the style hadn’t changed much since he started out as Robin. “You haven’t.”
“This isn’t some movie, Dick,” Tim sighed, choosing to ignore what the older said about him not changing because how would he know? Tim hadn’t been Tim since he was a child. “Nothing works out just because you want it to or think it should.”
“But that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t try,” Dick said. “Imagine, Tim, what our lives - what this city would be if we didn’t try.”
Tim was quiet.
Dick stood up and slowly approached Tim. He gingerly took a hold of the smaller boy’s hand and said, “I’d be able to accept the fact we can’t be together because you didn’t like me like that but… you do, don’t you?”
Tim nodded miserably.
Dick squeezed Tim’s hand and took a step closer. His other hand brushed Tim’s slightly overgrown black hair out of his face, tracing lightly over his cheek. “Then…” Dick murmured slowly, looking at the smaller boy as if it would be the last time he would be able to. “That’s… that’s all I need.”
Tim hated that look. It made him want to shrink back into his skin, like he had done something horrible. And he kind of had. He finally had Dick, and Dick wanted him. A year ago, there was nothing he wanted more than this; if someone had told him he would be denying a relationship with Dick back then, Tim would have laughed in their face.
But he grew up.
The smaller boy shifted awkwardly. Dick was still standing before him, arms hanging at his side, afraid to touch Tim for fear that it would cause the smaller boy to lock deeper inside himself. But that didn’t stop him from looking at he with those puppy eyes he was known for and Tim couldn’t bring himself to look at any part of Dick.
“I want to be with you, Dick, I really do,” Tim admitted almost inaudibly, shifting again before resting his weight against the counter. Dick let out a breath and Tim thought maybe he shouldn’t say more. But it was like he had lost control, as the words just came out anyway. “I really do, but I don’t think I can live up to… expectation. I’m not like the girls you dated before. I can’t be like them.” He turned his gaze to the floor because he couldn’t bear meeting Dick’s eyes.
“I don’t want you to be like them,” Dick told him sounding a little hurt. His face contorted in a way that told Tim that the man was slightly offended he thought he would want to change Tim, make him become someone else. But the look faced and Dick’s face softened as he said, “The way you are, right now, is perfect. I don’t want anyone else.”
Tim didn’t want to believe that because if he did, he’d have no reason to run and hide from this new life stepping-stone. He swallowed. That line was becoming harder and harder to believe, but that was because he mostly wanted to stop believing it. He wanted to choose Dick. “I’m not good at… couple-y things.”
Dick shrugged like it was the easiest thing in the world, to just give up physical contact on a whim, just for Tim. “That’s alright.” Just like that.
Tim was quiet for a moment, thinking, trying to find anything, any reason why Dick wouldn’t want him as a lover. He knew there had to be some reason. As he thought, Dick just waited, patiently, smiling lightly. Tim finally muttered, blush slowly creeping up his neck, “I can go for days without talking to anyone.”
“You don’t have to give up personal time for me,” Dick laughed; it sounded like a great weight was lifted off his shoulders and he could breathe again and the sound pulled at Tim’s heartstrings. He always thought Dick was most handsome when he laughed, loud, joyous, with his head thrown back with the force of it all. It wasn’t that type of laugh this time, but Tim could hear the faint echo of it. The laugh ebbed and he rather quickly added, “As long as you let me know you’re alright and haven’t died yet.” Tim laughed despite himself and shoved Dick’s shoulder.
Yet another one of Tim’s excuse failed. Slowly, he was starting to come to the realization that a life with Dick wouldn’t be so bad after all, especially since he was slowly debunking all the things Tim was so afraid of.
“I don’t…” he spoke, after opening and closing his mouth a couple times, not unlike a fish, as he tried to come up with another. “I’m not fond of… the… physical aspects of romantic relationships.”
Dick just smiled at him. And, to Tim, it was like the smile of an angel, no matter how cliché it sounded. With just that one smile, the older boy could get Bruce, even ornery-as-hell Jason to bend to his whim. “We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do,” Dick promised, “I won’t force you.”
“Why are you so okay with all of this?” Tim asked, practically squeaking. He ran his hands through his hair, brushing the bangs that Dick had brushed aside back into his face. He was blushing full-on by now, he was sure of it. But he was still scared. And he was certainly scared he would be dealing with the debilitating heartbreak come the time they inevitably broke up. Because they will break up.
“Because, it’s you.” Dick told the smaller boy, fondly brushing his hair back behind his ear again. He was looking at Tim like he really loved him and it made him want to cry. But then, Dick says in a light voice, “And, it’s like that Disney movie says: People do crazy things when they’re in love.”
Tim laughed; it was a quiet, breathy little one, but it was a laugh nonetheless and Dick gave a grin, looking like he felt rather proud that he was the one who inspired it. “I told you before, this isn’t some movie.”
“Yeah,” Dick agreed, breezily with a nod. He reached out and hung his arms over Tim’s skinny shoulders. “But it made you laugh.”
Tim smiled at Dick as the older man began to slowly rock them. “Yeah,” he copied, “I think… I think maybe…” Dick was looking at him expectantly now, and Tim wondered what was flitting across his mind. He looked up to meet Dick’s gaze but only for a moment; he could only bring himself to stare at their feet as he said what he was saying. “Maybe… I will take a chance this time.”
Dick was silent for a moment and Tim strongly considered taking it all back. The man wasn’t moving either now, stiffer than a two-by-four. Even his voice, when he eventually spoke, only moments before Tim retracted his statement, was stiff. “What are you saying?”
“I’m saying…” Tim licked his lips, fighting the urge to flee. “I’ll take that kiss now.”
Dick moved quickly, like he would lose Tim if he didn’t. He held Tim’s shoulders in his hands as he took a step forward, coming close but not too close, and pressed a firm, chaste kiss to Tim’s mouth.
The kiss was nothing short of what Tim imagined it would be.
And when it ended, he found himself wanting another, but Dick just grinned at him and pulled him in for a tight hug. “I love you, Tim.”