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“ do you think i’m worthy of love? ” it starts with this question - barely a whisper against chan’s swollen mouth, between soft kisses and promises of forever. it startles him out of his daze, lips licked over with a hint of fear glinting in his eyes. felix is sprawled on his bed, looking like an entire cosmos with his freckled, golden skin; it shakes him to the core, and the doubt flashing through the boy’s face makes him tighten his grip on tender hips. “ nevermind, it was a stupid question. ” he feels empty and desperate to be filled with something - anything, as long as it whistles through the gaps of his chest and covers his flaws like tape over wounds.
something inside chan howls - it’s like a caged animal, walking around in his cell and eagerly waiting for him to snap and break him free. he doesn’t, not just yet; instead he licks soothing trails all along felix’s body, engraves promises against the soft skin and buries his fury in between his ribs in red, angry hickeys that look a lot more like fang marks than love bites. felix doesn’t seem to mind, as he thrashes and lets out high-pitched moans that roll on chan’s tongue when he kisses him, soft and pliant.
there’s a war, deep down - it’s crimson and violent but chan keeps it down as his lips ghosts over constellations and supernovas. felix burns like a comet and it feels like a painting blooming under chan’s fingers; in shades of brown chocolate and pink wine, wrapped around whines that send shivers down his spine. “ would you scream out to the world that you love me? ” he’s a little bit desperate as chan hovers over him, eyes dark and glazed with want and something akin to affection - there’s worry gnawing at the boy’s lips, like a predator feasting on everything he tries to shut down. chan stays silent and instead presses butterfly kisses on his face, tracing the outline of his jaw with sharp teeth yet soft knuckles. it should be a punishment, a warning to force self-love and stuff it inside his mouth; instead it’s a prayer, a begging. don’t despise the things i love , it carves in his cheekbones. don’t decide what i’m supposed to crave , it spells on his chin.
it’s a cotton ball in his mouth and he chews and chews until there’s only broken bones between his teeth; he cuts himself against hatred and doubt but picks every piece of the sun anyway, squeezing them till they melt into starry hips that he grips them with adoration written beneath his skin, pride shining in his eyes. felix shudders under his gaze and it feels like hunting a prey, cornering it on the floor and feasting on its inside - instead chan swallows every sound that leaves his tender mouth, bites his name on rosy letters against his collarbones and kisses forever on a bony throat.
felix’s adam apple bobs painfully slow and his vision blurs with fascination; he scratches silent pledges behind his neck, diving in for a bruising kiss that leaves them both breathless. his tongue ravishes everything that felix has to offer and felix - felix gives and gives until there’s nothing left but religion in his bones, feeling like a saint choked by the devil. “ you’re not gonna say anything? ” it’s needy and laced with a pout that chan bites off, a teasing smile stretching his lips; the first push of his hips has the boy gasping for air, lungs constricted and mouth open on silent pleas.
chan doesn’t have to say anything, per say. yet he speaks with each and every one of his fiber, merging inside the sun’s allegory with a deadly smirk in his eyes. his fingers press prayers on his thighs and his teeth scrape thanks on his chest - felix knows it, he feels it in his core and begs for more. maybe he’s the greedy one, taking love and care from chan till there’s no more but his name inside his ribcage, marked in baby blue palavers and it fills them both with roses and there’s no room for breathing anymore - felix chokes on love and chan is smothered with everything that they don’t say.
it takes a few moments for felix to break down; it’s kind of poetic, really, the tears streaming down his cheeks in red paths, laced with desire and something more. chan licks them off with envy and possessive rubbed on his flesh, soothing the boy with sweet nothings in his ear and sweet kisses on his face. felix comes with holy and precious splattered in his lungs, a weak pledge clawed on chan’s back.
that’s when chan decides to talk. he lays him on his back with gentle hands and a warning squeeze on his throat, a wakeup call of everything that he could do, if he wanted to. there’s an outcry on the tip of the younger’s tongue but it only takes a sharp gaze for him to swallow it back, desperate to please, eager to wash off the mild anger on his lover’s face. “ felix. ” it’s soft, too soft to be threatening - but it’s also a raw, rotten form of disappointment and it seeps through the boy’s skin like plague, shoving regret down his throat.
“ everything. ” chan whispers and bends to kiss his stomach, tenderness stinging his lips with bitter honey and salty sweat. “ you’re worthy of everything. ” and he wishes, he wishes hard felix would understand - would see what he sees. “ i love you. ” and it’s so simple this way, murmured on a wounded body and smearing all over the scars until there’s nothing but fondness inside his mouth. he gulps it down and eagerly drowns in every little piece of love that chan feeds him. “ i know. ” he doesn’t. “ i love you too. ” that, he does.
and, somehow, it’s all that matters.