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Sam first took off his shoes and then let himself dropped on his mattress. A sigh of relief escaped his lips. They had succeeded. Maggie was perfectly safe now. He hadn’t lost her.
With his clothes on, he crushed his face against his sheets and took a deep breath to let the smell of clean and lavender meet his nostrils. He knew. He knew he couldn’t bring everyone home. But this hunt had plunged him back into a feeling that he would have liked to keep buried deep inside him.
He felt his cheeks getting wet and didn’t even fight the sobs that immediately attacked him. He was alone, locked in his room and finding calm and peace made him let down the walls he had built for himself.
He knew he couldn’t be behind every hunter, but for what happened to Maggie, it was different. He had heard her scream for help on the embedded video, he had seen her struggling, he had found himself again in front with a feeling of profound injustice and helplessness.
The one he had felt in front of Eileen’s lifeless body.
He closed his eyes and looked at the girl’s features for a moment. She was so calm, pale. But anyone could have guessed that she died in pain, calling for help. Her body had been mistreated, mistreated. Eileen deserved better, so much better and Sam had let her go.
He thought she was safer alone.
She died.
He muffled a scream of rage in his pillow, his fist falling back on the mattress in a shiver of injustice. He would have given his life to see her back on her feet with a smile on her face. He would have sold his soul to the devil to smell her perfume again, hear her voice, appreciate her gentle gestures and strong character. Fuck, he would have sacrificed himself and killed all the men of Letter till the last so that she could live a little longer.
They didn’t even give him time to grieve. He had been taken on board, from one drama to another, towards Castiel’s death. The need to heal Dean’s wounds before he heals his own, especially the need to keep hope when his older brother was only brooding. Then he lost Gabriel. Then Dean. He had been pushed by events until today.
Where a single emotion had made exploded all barriers, all things he had in himself since the beginning.
Why did you care so much about her? Dean had asked, after dinner. Sam had shrugged, knowing perfectly why.
Maggie reminded him of Eileen. Abandoning her and loosing her during an hunt would have been the same as seeing Eileen die another time. Sam already lived this torture during long and not ending nightmares, he couldn’t have endured to live it again in reality.
Sam gently brushed off the last tears that kept running from his eyes. He started to calm down his breath, realizing how crude were sounding his cries and how exposed he was at that moment.He made himself more comfortable, avoiding to think, trying to push back everything in. Eileen’s smile, Eileen’s touch, Eileen’s sense of humor and her nerdy stuffs. Back in, breathed Sam, Back in.
But, one statement was still there. Couldn’t go away. Wouldn’t even fade since her death. Sam had to face it every single day, everytime he would catch a bright smile from a lovely woman, every time he would get scared for someone he loves.
Sam missed her and he couldn’t bring her back.