Chapter Text
T-14 Days: The Pitch
“As you know, Penguin has invited all of the wealthy people of Gotham to the Iceberg Lounge for a charity event for the families of crime victims,” Batman briefed, flashing images of flyers for the event. Cobblepot’s Gala for Victims of Crime was written in fancy letters. Have a heart - do your part! “I have intel that he plans on kidnapping the patrons and holding them for ransom. As such, I believe it is in our best interest that Bruce Wayne not attend the gala.”
Nightwing leaned easily against the large computer. “Won’t it be suspicious if Bruce Wayne conveniently doesn’t show up for a gala and Batman swoops in to save the day? Penguin might not be the smartest swallow in the nest, but he’s no bird brain, either.”
“Nightwing’s right,” Oracle chimed in from one of the large monitors. “Bruce Wayne is one of the biggest names in Gotham - especially when it comes to philanthropy. If he doesn’t show, Penguin’s going to be suspicious. Batman, Nightwing and I can deal with whatever happens when Penguin springs his trap. We can handle it.”
Batman’s face was unmoving. “I already have an assignment for you two,” he said pulling up another screen. “I need people on inside who can handle the situation when Penguin makes his move. People I can trust. I need you two on the floor, undercover, when everything happens.”
Nightwing brightened. “Oho! So this is a black tie undercover gig. I’ll be Rex Buckingham: British secret agent, ballistics expert, and ladies' man. Oracle can be-” Nightwing did not get to finish the details of his fantasy, as Batman interrupted.
“Actually,” And Nightwing could have sworn he saw Batman crack a smile as he said this (and that worried him). “You will be going as Dick Grayson - ward to Bruce Wayne and deeply apologetic that Bruce himself could not attend - at the gala in his stead. It’ll help to stave off any suspicion about Bruce Wayne being Batman if one of the Wayne family is there.”
“And that makes me…?”
“Barbara Gordon, daughter of the Gotham City’s police commissioner.” Bruce paused, considering his words. “And one of the victims of Gotham’s criminals.”
“Bruce, I don’t think that-” Nightwing interceded, concerned.
“It makes sense,” Oracle cut through, her face devoid of emotion. “And Dad was invited to this thing too, but he was busy with police stuff so he told them no.” There was a pause. “Plus, he hates talking about my condition. I can see it in his eyes every time he looks at me - I don’t think he knows how easy he can be to read sometimes.” She sighed. “Just because this doesn’t define me, doesn’t mean it isn’t part of who I am, so I might as well make use of it.”
Batman looked between Nightwing and Oracle, waiting for someone to add anything. “Then it’s settled. You two will be undercover at the Iceberg Lounge for the gala in two weeks. No earpieces - too noticeable, so you’re going to have to trust that we’re watching. Hopefully, we’ll be able to stop whatever Penguin has before his scheme is set in motion, but if all else fails, I need you two to run interference. Nightwing, there will be a microphone set in your cufflinks that you can use to inform us of anything suspicious you see. You two have been with me the longest, other than Alfred. I trust you can get this done.”
Nightwing nodded. “Alright, Bruce, sounds like a solid plan. I assume Alfred is tailoring a suit for me?”
“The suit has already been tailored for you, Master Dick,” Alfred said, appearing with a tuxedo on a hanger. “Please do try not to get this one covered in gunpowder... or cake.”
Oracle bit her lip in thought. Finding a dress for this kind of occasion would be killer. At least she had two weeks. Trying to find a dress the night before would be a nightmare. “Don’t worry, Oracle,” Batman said as if reading her mind. “Alfred has already sent over a dress for the gala. Courtesy of Wayne Industries, of course. Two weeks should give us plenty of time to make any necessary adjustments. Additionally: Wayne Industries will also be glad to provide resources for hair, makeup, and nails, should you request it.”
“I hope the dress is to your liking, Miss Gordon,” Alfred gave a small bow.
“I don’t think I’ve ever heard Bruce talk about hair and nails outside of a crime scene,” Nightwing said, slack-jawed. “Am I the only one hearing this?”
“You’re the only one making a big deal out of it,” Oracle rolled her eyes. “And if I’m on-site, then who-?”
“Cassandra will be running Oracle for this operation,” Batman answered her question before she could finish asking it. “She’s taken well to your training. Any further questions?”
“That covers it,” Oracle sighed.
The room was silent as Batman waited for a question or quip from Nightwing. None came. He continued, “For this operation to be successful, I believe it will be necessary for Dick Grayson and Barbara Gordon to be seen together in public in what can be perceived as dates. It will make arriving together at the Iceberg Lounge more plausible, and the resulting media circus will further draw attention away from the fact that Bruce Wayne will be missing from the gala. To that end, I have arranged a series of date activities in high-profile locations that should draw the attention of the Gotham press. The first will be on Saturday, two nights from now, at the Ivory Tower. Bruce Wayne owns the restaurant, so acquiring reservations was simple. Dress nicely, have dinner, smile for the cameras, sell the cover story for the next two weeks and the gala job will be simple.”
Shocked silence. Two weeks to sell the story was a lot more than Nightwing and Oracle had bargained for. But…
“If you feel it’s necessary, we’ll do it,” Oracle said with a slight nod, her expression unreadable. It would be fine. It wasn’t like the old days when Dick was Robin and clearly crushing on her. A series of fake dates would be totally manageable. Even if she would have given anything to go on a real date with Dick now that he’d grown a couple of years, as long as one of them wasn’t emotionally invested, it’d be fine. And of course, Dick had gone off with the Teen Titans and had dated Kori for awhile - surely he was long over her by now. It was going to be fine. Totally fine. Cool, calm, professional.
“Yeah - yeah, I can do that. For the mission. Of course.” Nightwing scratched his head. It seemed a little over the top, but he knew better than most how important it was to sell a performance. He grinned, even though his heart was doing somersaults. Dates with Babs? Two years ago, he would have killed to have this kind of opportunity. Hell, he’d still kill to go on real dates with her now, but he never felt he was quite enough for her. She was an internationally-recognized hacker and source of information to heroes everywhere. He was an ex-sidekick who had a penchant for jumping off of buildings and sticking the landing. He wasn’t anything special - not in a world of people who could fly and shoot lasers out of their eyes.
“One last thing,” Batman said after the pause. “I know this is an operation, but don’t hesitate to have a little fun. You will be going to a party, after all. And of course, the number one rule of the operation-”
“Don’t drink the punch,” Nightwing suggested.
“-Don’t fall in love.”
Thinly veiled shock registered from Nightwing and Oracle.
“You made a joke.” Nightwing was losing his mind. “You- Bruce, you made a joke.”
Batman’s face was impassive marble.
“Number one rule: don’t fall in love,” he repeated, and with a dramatic swirl of his cape, Batman stepped towards the Batmobile and sped away.
“That was a joke, right? Bruce was joking?”
“You heard the man, boy wonder. Oracle out.”
The cave was large, cold, and dark since the computer screens were out. The smell of the Batmobile’s wheels permeated throughout the cavern.
“Alfred?”
“Yes, Master Dick?”
“He was joking, right?”
“Let’s try on that new tuxedo, Master Dick.”
-
“Take a left down the next alley - it should cut ten seconds from your time,” Babs advised in Stephanie’s ear. She complied, taking the corner with ease. It had taken a while for Steph to trust all of Babs’ instructions, but she had come to learn that Babs knew everything, including how to make a mean batch of waffles.
“So. I heard you’ve got a hot date on Saturday.”
“Hop the fence and grapple across the street, then take a right down Jefferson.” Steph did as suggested.
“You’re ignoring my comment, Oracle.”
“I’m busy making sure you catch the bad guy and also don’t get rammed by a bus, Batgirl. He’ll be coming around the corner now, clothesline him.” Oracle heard a satisfying crash from her end of the coms.
“And another one bites the dust,” Steph announced cheerfully. “I’ve gotten the stolen goods off of him and he’s tied with a bow - happy holidays, Gotham City PD! Now can we please talk about your date? I’m dying . Cass doesn’t date and Tim’s dating me so there aren’t that many people to talk to about this, and I’m not super interested in talking about my own relationship right now so spill.”
Babs sighed and relented. It would probably be good for her to talk about this anyway. Healthier, some might say. “Well, first of all, it’s not a real date, so get that straight. We’re on a mission for Batman, and that just happens to involve selling ourselves as Gotham’s next big couple to gossip about so that no one pays too much attention to the fact that Bruce Wayne won’t be at the big gala.”
“But…?”
“I… kind of wish it was.”
“I knew it .”
“It’s not happening, Steph. Sure, he was really into me when we were Batgirl and Robin, but I’m Oracle now and he’s been with the Teen Titans for a while. Things are different.”
“And why didn’t you do anything about it then?”
“Well. I mean Dick was kind of…”
“A child?”
“Yes. A circus boy. Didn’t really take anything seriously, came off as an annoying younger brother.”
“Ah and now that he’s a sexy circus man , you want the uh...”
Don’t say “Dick dick,” Babs prayed.
“Dick squared.” Not better.
“He’s grown up, Steph. He still has all of the stuff that I loved about him when we were younger, but it’s like things matter to him now. He’s a damned good detective and he’s not a sidekick anymore. I feel like he’s really carved out his own place, and that place doesn’t really have room for an ex-Batgirl.”
“Maybe he doesn’t need an ex-Batgirl. Maybe he’d prefer an Oracle in his life. Someone to show him the way and whatnot. Whispering sweet somethings into his ear as he glides across the skyline, spandex-covered butt shining under the Gotham lights.”
“Steph… I don’t know how to respond to that. I... Oracle out.”
“Wait-!”
Babs hung up, set her glasses down, and rubbed at her eyes. It’s just another op for Batman, she thought. Not real dates, no need to get emotionally involved. Just Nightwing and Oracle saving Gotham city from the Penguin. Easy. So easy. Just take it one fake date at a time, Babs.
-
“So you’re going on dates with the Barbara Gordon? Like more than one date? The Barbara Gordon I’ve heard so much about?” Wally’s voice was rushed - like a ten-page paper started the night before it was due. “Sorry, stopping a robbery, should take a second.” A second passed. “This is like your dream come true, dude.”
“I know. Well, it totally was. And kind of still is.” Dick was in audible turmoil. “But they’re fake dates. So it’s not really happening, and it’s not like it’s ever actually going to happen. She’s too good for me.” Dick could hear Wally rolling his eyes over the phone.
“We accept the love we think we deserve, Dick.”
“Are you - what are you quoting?”
“Can’t a guy have a deeply profound original thought?”
“...”
“Okay, fine, it’s from Perks of Being a Wallflower. Linda and I watched it last night. Totally didn’t see the ending coming.”
“Speaking of Linda-”
“Yeah, she’s clearly too good for me, Dick. She’s got a great career going for her, she’s hardworking, super smart, beautiful , and she could have any guy in Keystone City she wanted, but she chose me. But hey, if an incredible woman can settle for some loser like me, then there’s still hope for you too, my boy.”
“Oh ha-ha. And since I’m actually better than you, my chances are so much higher.”
“You wish - I’ve never worn booty shorts and pixie boots to fight crime.”
“I was twelve !”
“Still counts.”
Dick cracked a smile. “It’s good to hear from you, Wally. Thanks for taking my call.”
“Anytime, Dick. You’re always welcome over for dinner. We’ve got plenty of ice cream in the fridge if you need to have a heart-to-heart. Or just want to stop by. Whatever. Maybe you can swing by after your first date with Barbara. Debrief.”
“It’s not really a date, but I’ll consider it. Never change, Wally.”
“Only grow, Dick. Toodles!” Wally hung up and Dick was left with the night and sirens of Gotham to cover his thoughts.
“Rule number one: don’t fall in love, Bruce said.” Dick sighed. “If only you had told me that six years ago.”