Archive of Our Own

It was the same dream. Always the same. Roy wrapped around him. Roy whispering, softly at first then urgent, frantic as they got close to the edge. Roy pulling him in closer until there were no more boundaries between them.

I'll swallow up all of you like a big bottle of big, big pills. You're the one that I should never take but I can't sleep until I devour you.

Ed turned on the faucet and filled his glass. Ever since the dreams started he'd cursed and blessed 3 A.M., those moments when Roy was his again.

You're the flower that's withering. I can feel your thorns in my head.

He could almost, if he tried hard enough, believe that he could hear Roy breathing into his ear, "My God, you're mine."

And I'll love you if you let me. And I'll love you if you won't make me starve.

***

I used to hold your heart to neck. I know I'll miss you if I close my eyes.

Roy never tensed until Riza fell asleep. Always, after they were finished he'd let himself go, a man exhausted by his wife, but never sated. He prayed she'd never question his silence. If she wondered at it she never brought it up. A small mercy because how was he going to explain that after he was always filled with thoughts of blond, another blond that burned brighter than any flame he could produce? One who's laughing voice still rang in his ears and whose fingers he could still feel on his skin when he closed his remaining eye.

I'll see you and I'll blow your heart to pieces. I will blow your heart to pieces.

Oh how he'd cursed the heavens when he'd stood before him once again! There he was alive in spite of having been given up as dead. He'd cursed and felt his heart wrenching as his comrades greeted him, patted him on the back and all he could do was give him up again.

My pain's not ashamed to repeat itself.

"I'm married, Ed." He remembered telling him when they'd gotten a moment alone. And there had been no surprise in his eyes, just a quiet "I know."

I can't sleep until I devour you.

So he waited until he was alone with his thoughts before tensing. Before remembering Ed's eyes, half-lidded looking straight into his soul.

And I'll love you if you let me. And I'll love you if you won't make me starve.