Work Text:
I want you to know
But I don’t want to tell you
Sometimes, when I look into your eyes
Those shining emeralds throw me back
To a place of pain and horror
Where I’m trapped
A prisoner in my own home
Yet, I dread the nights you aren’t with me
For then the memories haunt me
Ravaging my soul and my mind
Misdeeds and cruelties abound
In the shadows of my past
Pulling me down into the deep dark
Until I fear I never shall return.
I want you to know
But I don’t want to tell you
Why burning supper is enough to bring me to tears
And why you find me sitting in the closet when I’m upset
For years I suppressed my feelings
But now they leap out of the shadows
Reminding me of years of hunger and loneliness
Hurtful words and harsh blows
Always knowing I didn’t belong
But never knowing the reason
Wishing for someone to rescue me
And, sometimes, just wishing to die
The deaths I witnessed haunt me less
Than the childhood neglect in my memories.
I want you to know
But I don’t want to tell you
I was wasting away in the Manor
Waiting to be sentenced to Azkaban as I deserved
I did so much harm and caused so much pain
I would have welcomed the punishment
Then you spoke for me
And those words were more than I deserved
You didn’t just save me from Azkaban
You inspired me to live again
You are the reason I never gave up
If you saw some good in me
Then I knew it must be there
And I determined to find it.
I want you to know
But don’t want to tell you
I almost gave up after the war
All my life I had been preparing to die
So when I lived
I found myself lost
I attended the trials to find closure
And instead I found a reason to keep going
You sat in that chair
Chains binding you tight
And though I saw the fear in your eyes
You sat tall and proud
If you hadn’t given up
Then how could I?
I want you to know
But I don’t want to tell you
Sometimes I stay up watching you sleep
Counting your breaths
Tracing your smile
And wondering how you came to be mine
How did hexes and curses
Become kisses and caresses?
Your presence warms me
Still I fear that this is all just a dream
And when I wake you won’t be there
The thought steals my breath
Leaving me dizzy
Afraid to move lest I shatter the illusion.
I want you to know
But I don’t want to tell you
Sometimes I lie awake pretending to sleep
Keeping my breaths calm and even
I can feel your gaze upon my face
Grey eyes tracing every curve
Feeling your warmth beside me
As I drift off to sleep
I smile because I know I am safe
In your bed, in your arms
Nightmares can’t reach me
And doubts fade away
I know they’ll return once you’re gone
So I cherish every moment you’re with me.
I want you to know
But don’t want to tell you
Sometimes when you smile I still can’t believe it’s for me
For so many years I watched from afar
Never daring to dream that one day
You would consent to be mine
When your emerald eyes sparkle with mischief
Your beauty makes my heart stop
For you are beautiful
Inside and out
Your scars tell the story
Of your suffering and triumph
And contributed to the man you are today
The man I know I will always love.
I want you to know
But I don’t want to tell you
Sometimes just seeing you smile
Is enough to make me catch my breath
You were the one person I could never ignore
Even when doing so would have made my life easier
I never imagined you would ever want me
To find myself in your life, in your heart
Is more than I ever dreamed I’d have
Your touch brings me comfort
Your kiss makes me feel like I’m flying
You are everything I never knew I always wanted
I can’t imagine my life without you
Now and forever you have my love.