Chapter Text
It was always like this now.
“Hey, Milo! Have any plans this weekend?” James eagerly asked me. He always asked me this. Every Friday at exactly 2:31pm when we were walking out of our last class into the hallway.
I felt so tired. My body felt heavy and sluggish, practically dragging myself around all day. Could everyone see it? The effort it took just to be here, sitting in this desk? When all I wanted was to just be alone? Could James see it?
“Yeah, got some plans with my folks. Going out of town.” Lying had become too easy, the guilt just a regular weight I felt around my shoulders. An empty embrace pulling me deeper into dark depths of loneliness. I welcomed it, as always. That’s just the way things are, now.
“Oh bummer, I guess I’ll catch you Monday then.” James smiled a little.
My heart ached at his disappointment. I’m sorry, James. I really am. I wanted to say it, but the words never made their way to my lips. I’m really not worth any amount of disappointment. I hated Fridays. I hated turning him down.
“I guess so.” I replied with my own polite, half-hearted smile.
James waved as he headed down the hall, meeting his boyfriend. I kept my eyes down on the floor, avoiding what usually happened next, trying to protect my heart.
I don’t even know how to tell the truth anymore. What would the truth even be in this situation? Yeah, I have plans, this weekend, sure. When else can I brood and suffer in darkness all day? I am very busy, and it’s obviously a one-man job. Or how about a, I can’t be alone with you anymore because my heart beats too fast and I can’t breathe? And my palms get all sweaty and I stutter on my words like an idiot? Can I tell him that?
No, it would ruin everything. More than it already has been ruined, and I really don’t want to hurt James. So, I feed him lies. It’s just better this way… Better for who? I’m not sure. I’m not sure of anything anymore. I turned in the opposite direction and began my trek back home.
It’s not that I have a problem with James being gay. That’s not it. I’ve never cared about anyone else being gay. Love is love and all that; It’s not a gay thing. It’s just that since James came out, he’s been so much more outgoing. He talks to everyone now. He used to be so shy; he used to only talk to me.
Now he has his boyfriend to talk to. And all of his new friends. It’s as if he’s metamorphosized into a magnificent, social butterfly, and left me behind, still a caterpillar trapped in my chrysalis, my metamorphosis stunted. So, I’ve pushed him away. It’s just better, right?
The guilt around my shoulders grew heavier each day. Each disappointment, each broken promise hugged me tighter. You see, I promised James our friendship wouldn’t change. Being gay didn’t change who he was; he was still James. The problem is that it had changed me.
I remember the first time he introduced his boyfriend. He held his hand, he laughed, he smiled. And then I started getting all these feelings… I felt as though the part of my brain that made happiness shattered into a million little pieces, impossible to repair. It’s not like they sell any new brains to replace this broken one that I have. When they hugged it was a kick in the gut that knocked the wind out of me, but that’s not even the worst of it. I accidentally watched as James walked down the hallway after class. Staring at the back of his head, because it was just so hard to look at him in the face; this was safe. The last tether of my security vanished, because in a blink of an eye they kissed. Of course I had to see that.
I don’t understand why the kiss bothered me most. I mean, yeah PDA is gross and all, but this hurt more than anything. I’d rather be hit by an oncoming truck then ever have to see them kiss again. What would James think of me if I told him all of this? The truth hurts, but I will protect him with my lies. It’s better this way. I’d rather him be happy, even if it’s with Ben.
So, yeah. I spend a lot of time avoiding eye contact, looking at the ground where I won’t see James kissing Ben. That’s my world now. James is out of my reach, spreading his wings and flying up high in the bright, blue sky. My world is down here, in the dirt.
Finally making it back to my house, I unlocked the door and with a thud, tossed my backpack on the kitchen table.
“Honey, I’ve asked you several times to not throw your backpack on the table. It’ll scratch,” Mom chastised me from the living room.
“Sorry, I didn’t know you were home already.” I called back to her.
“I don’t care if I am home or not, don’t scratch my table!”
“Sorry mom.” I grumbled, removing my shoes.
“I don’t know what’s gotten into you lately, your head must be up in the clouds. You just haven’t been yourself…” I knew she was making that concerned mom face.
I rolled my eyes. No, I thought. I’m not up in the clouds, I’m being buried alive in the dirt, where I belong. It’s better for her not to know the truth either; the truth hurts.
“Sorry, I just have a test to study for. I’m just distracted that’s all; I’ll be in my room.” I lied.
“Ok Honey, are you sure? It’s a Friday night, can’t you study later this weekend,” my mom offered. She did look worried. I wasn’t exactly studious.
I hesitated.
“I’m fine, Mom.” I lied again. The biggest lie of them all, for the only thing I’m sure of is this: I am not fine. Not one bit.
I closed my bedroom door softly to not disturb her more, and flopped onto my bed face first. I lay there until I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. With a groan I rolled over and pulled it out to check: an Instagram notification. James sent me another cat video. He knew how much I loved these, and this one had a really big, fluffy cat falling into a bathtub and jumping out looking 10 times smaller and a lady scream-laughing in the background. It made me smile. Underneath the video he wrote a message that gave me a sinking feeling in my stomach.
Probably your future wife.
He got it all wrong. That just didn’t feel right. Sure, I’ve had girlfriends, but girls didn’t interest me anymore. But, to be fair, no one did. And I was ok with that. I mean, it’s not my fault if the girls at our school are just boring? It’s not weird to not be interested in girls, is it? It’s not like it’s girls in general. I think I like girls. I guess?
Haha yeah probably, I replied.
After setting my phone face down, I stared up at the ceiling lost in my own thoughts. Life had become so inward, so heavy, it was exhausting trying to hold it all inside. Eventually it would have to spill like an overfilled bucked of water, just not able to hold any more weight. I let the tears silently stream down my face. Alone at last, this is what I wanted... Wasn’t it?