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It was a Thursday night when he answered the phone. The weather was mild, there were a few flurries dancing down from the sky, and the world was getting ready for Christmas. It was, compared to any other season, a rather peaceful time to receive a call that would turn a whole life upside down.
He threw the phone at the wall when the person on the other line had hung up. He was surprised, when he picked it up from the ground later, that it was fine. That it didn’t look more like him, smashed into a million pieces and unsalvageably broken. He spent the entire night with nothing but a bottle of Jack to keep him company. He didn't bother with any lights and he didn't bother with the heater. He sat in the cold, in the dark, with nothing to warm him other than the liquor in the bottle. He wanted to forget, he wanted to forget that this ever happened, and more than anything, he wanted to unhear that phone call. He tried hard to internalize his pain, but he couldn’t, he couldn’t stop his hands from turning into that of his father’s. Destructive, unsafe. He'd need a new bathroom mirror and a couple sheets of drywall, but he felt a little better. Well, his fists didn't, but his mind did. At least he told himself he did.
He showed up to shift the next morning with a hangover the size of Texas. Nobody really noticed, and if they did, they didn't chalk it up to anything; every man occasionally has a little too much fun. As Matt poured himself a coffee, he knew that nobody would care, that nobody would bother looking too deep into this. That was the perk of being perpetually alone, he supposed.
From across the room, a certain Kelly Severide was carefully studying the slouch of his shoulders, the pain that was written across every feature. He seen his bandaged knuckles and his sad eyes and Kelly knew something was wrong, something had happened. Matt never ever drank the night before shift, he never came into work with a hangover, he never let anyone see him as anything other than the responsible lieutenant he generally was.
"Lieutenant, my office." Boden grumbled, staring at Casey with a frown.
Casey looked down, disappointed in himself, mumbling a faint 'yes sir' before setting his coffee down on the counter and following Boden.
Kelly looked on in confusion before Mouch pulled himself into some conversation about every firehouse needing its own soda fountain.
Ten minutes later, when Boded reappeared and Casey didn't, Kelly went on the hunt for the blond. He took the coffee Casey had left on the counter so he'd at least have some excuse for trying to find him. He eventually found him in his office, knocking once on the door before letting himself in.
"Case?" He asked softly, closing the door behind him.
Matt was sitting on the edge of the bed, head in his hands, eyes still carrying that same sadness. "Hey, uh–" He cleared the emotion from his throat before continuing, "Can I do something for you?"
"Just came to bring you your coffee." Kelly murmured, handing Matt the cup. "You uh—left it in the kitchen."
"Thanks," Matt took the mug with a smile that he could barely manage to plaster on. He waited for Kelly to leave but the man didn't move.
"What's going on?" Kelly asked carefully, tilting his head to the side as he watched Matt.
"Nothing." Matt shrugged, taking a sip of coffee and standing up. He wordlessly made his way to his desk and began working on some forms.
"Case," Kelly began, "You can tell m—"
Matt interrupted before Kelly could finish, "Do you need anything else?"
Kelly frowned a little but nodded, he knew better than to push Matt. "Nope." He murmured as he left, exiting through the door and wondering what he could've done better.
• • •
Kelly stopped by Matt's place the next day. He didn't know what he was going to say or what he was going to do, but he was determined to figure out what was wrong with Matt. He knocked on the door once, twice, three times with no answer. Matt's truck was home and he knew that Matt was too.
Thoughts of Casey having drank too much or done something really stupid came flashing through his mind. "Case." He knocked for a sixth time, renewed vigour in his voice. He'd been standing there for ten minutes and he vowed that if Matt didn't come to the door soon he'd force his way in. He tried the doorknob and discovered, curiously, that the door was unlocked. He let himself in and tried to find out what Matt was doing.
He found Matt in his room doing pushups. He had his headphones in blaring music which explained why he hadn't hear the door. Kelly noticed that he was working himself to the bone. Sweat was dripping from his body and he wasn't stopping even despite the fact that Kelly could visibly see his muscles spasming. He couldn't help but wonder how long Matt had been pushing himself to continue. Maybe he'd been staring for too long, because when Matt finally looked up from the floor he nearly hit the ceiling with how fast he got to his feet.
"The fuck, Severide?!" Matt yelled, obviously quite startled.
"Sorry, I uh—" Kelly stammered, he was getting lost in the way that Matt's wet shirt stuck to his skin, leaving little to the imagination. "You— um. You didn't come to the door."
"So you just walked right in?" Matt retorted frustratedly, trying to get his still-racing heart under control.
"It sounds worse than it is."
"Why are you even here?" Matt replied firmly, taking a deep breath in.
"Just seeing how you're doing?"
"Why would I be anything other than perfectly fine?"
"Because you're not fine." Kelly replied easily.
"I am fine. Is there anything else?" Matt spoke coldly, "If not, please let yourself out. You seem to know where the door is."
"Case—"
“Go.”
"Fine." Kelly muttered, heading out the door and into his car, finally letting out the shaky breath he'd been holding.
He texted Matt an apology later that night, to which Matt did not bother replying.
• • •
During the next shift, Kelly made sure to keep a good eye on Matt. He knew that on days like this, Matt could be impulsive, which could lead to hasty decisions during calls. He knew Matt always made the correct decision, he had no doubt in that, but as Kelly waited for Truck to get back from a warehouse fire, he couldn’t help but worry. He couldn’t keep an eye on Matt if they were out and Squad wasn’t requested to join.
That’s why, when Truck 81 did finally pull into the station, Kelly was the first one to greet them. Did he seem too eager? Did he care too much? Probably. But he needed to see for himself, he had to check on Matt and find out what state he was in. It was the only way he could put all the terrible thoughts at bay.
“Case.” Kelly let out a relieved sigh under his breath as he watched Casey jump out of the truck, a full two minutes after everyone else had gone in.
“Severide?” Matt asked warily, “What are you doing in here? You guys get called out?”
“I uh—came to check on uh—“ Kelly scratched his head as his mind hurried to process an acceptable excuse. “Came to do an equipment check.” He mumbled before hurrying towards Squad’s rig so he could actually do that check and not look like an idiot.
Casey shook his head incredulously, looking back at Kelly once before beginning to remove his turnout gear.
• • •
Kelly showed up at his apartment again after shift. This time, Matt did open the door. "What do you want?" Matt sighed tiredly.
"Did I do something?" Kelly asked, worried eyes gazing into Matt's dull ones.
"What?" Matt asked slowly, frowning.
"Did I do something to make you feel like this?" Kelly elaborated his question, but it only served to confuse Matt more.
"Feel like what?"
"You've been off the last couple days.”
"Off?" Matt eyes widened a little. He'd been doing his best to hide it at work, maybe he over reacted to Kelly basically breaking in, but he did break in after all. However, nobody should have noticed how he was feeling, nobody ever noticed and he’d become very good at hiding everything.
"Did someone hurt you?"
Matt frowned again, what was Kelly getting out of this? What motive did he have for trying to get involved in Matt's business?
Matt might be hurting and maybe he hadn't been caring about his own well being lately, but he did have some self preservation left.
“You should go.” Matt muttered.
“But Case—“ Kelly began, abruptly halting when the door slammed closed with a bang, nearly hitting him in the face. Reluctantly, Kelly walked back to his car, got in and as he drove home, he tried to mentally process everything.
• • •
Kelly turned up again the next day. Matt was elbows deep in plaster as he worked on the walls he’d punched holes in, so he just yelled, “Door’s open,” When he’d heard the knock.
“Doing some remodelling?” Kelly raised an eyebrow as he entered.
“Yeah.” Matt said softly, filling in the seams of the patch of drywall he’d installed. He felt a little more mellow and a lot more tired today, so he didn’t put up a fight when Kelly came in.
“I brought food.” Kelly said after a moment. “Pizza.”
Matt paused, sparing a quick glance at Kelly before resuming his work. “Okay.”
“Wasn’t sure if you’d eaten yet or not.” Kelly continued, rambling on like the idiot he felt like. He couldn’t stand being at odds with Matt, especially if he didn’t know why they were at odds in the first place.
“Haven’t.” Matt spoke quietly, like he was afraid the world would fall apart if he talked any louder.
“You think you can take a break from that for a few minutes? I mean I can feed it to you if you want to keep going—“ Kelly chuckled to himself.
“Sev.” Matt sighed, his head falling a notch as he spoke. “What are you trying to get out of this?” He was tired of trying to figure it out.
“What?” Kelly frowned, instantly freezing in place as he set the pizza box on the coffee table.
“It’s an easy question.” Matt shrugged, “You keep showing up, you keep trying to be… I don’t even know. I don’t know what you’re trying to get out of me, I don’t understand.” He sighed heavily. “But just stop, okay? Normally I wouldn’t care, but—“ He trailed off, shrugging as he mindlessly continued spreading around plaster.
Kelly looked up with sad eyes, he had no idea that this is what Matt thought. “Matt,” The use of his first name had Matt spinning around and facing Kelly, “I’m not trying to get anything, I don’t have any kind of ulterior motive, I just—“
“You just what?” Matt said, all his guards up.
“I—“ Kelly began, “I care. I care about you.”
“What?” It was Matt’s turn to be confused.
“I care about you, Matt, I’m trying to make sure you’re okay, and there’s nothing else to it.” Kelly explained easily, watching the cogs turn in Matt’s head.
Matt sat down on the floor heavily. “I didn’t know.”
“What made you think I was trying to get something?” Kelly asked, almost hurt.
“I uh—“ Matt took a deep breath, trying to rein in the emotions that threatened to escape. “Nobody’s ever uh—“ He winced at how pathetic he probably looked and sounded, “—Cared about me…?”
“Nobody’s ever cared about you?” Kelly’s eyes softened. “Bit of an exaggeration, don’t you think?”
“Dad hated me, Mom never really gave a shit. My sister,” He paused for a moment trying to hold himself together, “She uh– she left and never looked back.” Matt’s voice was barely above a whisper as he stared at the floorboards. “My teachers always thought I was a problem… I don’t have any other family. I mean, I’ve had a couple girlfriends but one was abusive and the other one scammed me out of half my savings. I’m really not important to people—” He looked up to meet Kelly’s steady gaze. “—and I’m definitely not worth caring about, Kelly.” He said with a sad laugh and a pained smile.
Kelly didn’t know what to say, he didn’t know how take away Matt’s lifelong pain. “You are worth caring about.”
Matt shook his head, “You don’t have to say that just because of what I said.”
“I’m just stating facts.” Kelly explained.
Matt shook his head.
“If you think I don’t give a shit, then why would I bother showing up?”
“A joke? A dare? — I don’t know.” He sighed defeatedly.
“You should know me better than that by now.” Kelly raised an eyebrow.
“I’m sorry.” Matt looked up with a small smile.
Kelly just gave Matt a smile. He looked like he needed one.
“Listen, I gotta get ready to go.” Matt mumbled as he stood. Kelly noticed that a wave of sadness had crept on him once again. “Thanks for stopping by.”
“Trying to get rid of me already, huh?”
“I’m sorry I just—“
“Relax,” Kelly grinned, “I was just joking around.”
“Oh, uh—sorry. My head’s just a mess right now.” Matt admitted.
“Which is probably why you can’t comprehend the fact that someone cares about you.” Kelly chuckled, watching Matt’s expression flick from confusion to apologetic. “Really, Matt, don’t sweat it.”
A few seconds of silence later, Kelly spoke up. “You hungry?”
Matt shook his head, “No.”
“When’s the last time you’ve eaten?” Kelly inquired curiously.
“Uh, dunno.” Matt shrugged, “I have to get ready, I’m sorry.” He murmured as he walked off towards the bathroom.
Kelly sighed as he watched him go, wondering if one of these days he’d finally break the code when it came to Casey. As he thought about it, he pulled a slice of pizza from the box.
Matt went to the shower, spent five minutes cleaning away the drywall dust and plaster, got out. It was practised, it was quick, he didn’t mess around.
He got dressed in his best suit, she would have liked that. To see him all dressed up just for her. On his way to the door, he shakily tried tying his tie, but he couldn’t manage. Kelly scared him when he popped into view, he’d thought the man would have left already.
“Wow,” Kelly nodded, shamelessly staring at Matt. “Where you headed off to?”
Matt cleared his throat. It was all catching up to him now, all he could hear in his head was that damned phone call. He didn’t even hear Kelly asking him if he was okay.
“Matt.” Suddenly there were hands gripping his shoulders, suddenly he found himself grounded back on earth.
“S-sorry.” Matt stammered, still trying to figure out his tie.
Kelly gently swatted away his hands and began doing Matt’s tie for him. His hands moved fluidly and his voice just as smooth. “Nervous about your hot date?”
Matt shook his head. “I’m fine.”
“Hell you are.” Kelly smiled knowingly, “You were less nervous running your first drills at the academy.”
Matt simply shrugged.
“You must be going somewhere special.” Kelly was fishing now, he had to figure out what had Matt so spooked.
“Funeral.”
“Oh,” Kelly frowned, feeling like an ass, “I’m sorry. Anyone I know?”
“No.” Matt muttered as Kelly finished his tie and stepped back to admire his handiwork.
“Want me to drive you?” Kelly asked slowly, noticing how much Matt’s hands were shaking.
Matt gave a shake of his head, “I’m good.”
“Okay.”
“I could probably go for a drink after I get back though.” Matt suggested as he pulled on his shoes.
“Done.” Kelly smiled, “I guess just text me when you’re back and I’ll come back.”
“Or you could just stay here? I mean, if you want of course.” Matt thought aloud, his voice almost hopeful. “I won’t be back too late, and there’s beer in the fridge.” He left out the part about not wanting to come back to an empty apartment, he didn’t think Kelly would care too much about that.
“Sure.” Kelly nodded, he could clearly see what Matt was trying to say, even if he didn’t use the exact words. He knew Matt well enough that this funeral meant something to him. He wasn’t sure who had died, but he did know that Matt didn’t have many important people in his life besides those at the firehouse, and he knew it wasn’t any of them.
• • •
When the door finally opened again, about three hours later, Kelly anxiously looked up. Matt’s eyes were red-rimmed like he’d been crying. He wordlessly removed his suit jacket and let it fall to the ground, his tie joining it a moment later. He began unbuttoning his shirt as he headed to the bathroom.
Kelly heard the water turn on and he stood up, walking over and picking up Matt’s jacket and tie for him. A paper slipped from the jacket, and without thinking much about it, Kelly picked it up. It was a funeral program. Kelly figured it wouldn’t hurt to see who it was who died, so he flipped it open. The blood left his face as he looked at the pictures and read the names. He check the date of passing, and sure enough, it was the day before Matt had shown up to work half drunk. “Oh fuck.” Kelly mumbled to himself, dropping the jacket and dropping the tie before rushing to the bathroom. Everything was happening in slow motion now. He didn’t care if Matt didn’t have clothes on, he didn’t care that he probably wasn’t welcome, the only thing he cared about was Matt.
He barged into the bathroom and spotted Casey under the shower, dress pants still on as he stood beneath the icy spray.
Matt instantly turned to him and his face was one of pure pain and anguish.
“Matt.” Kelly breathed out, stepping under the shower with Matt and pulling him close. Matt didn’t fight it, he wept into Kelly neck and clung to him like he was the only solid thing in the entire world. Kelly reached to the tap and turned the heat of the water up, but he never let go of Matt.
“You didn’t tell me that it was your sister and her family.” Kelly breathed, holding Matt as the sobs kept coming.
“She— Drunk dr-driver. The three of them died on–on impact.” Matt’s voice was hoarse and raspy but he continued to speak. “Th-they’re gone, Kel. Gone.”
“I’m so sorry, Matt.” Kelly gripped the blond just a little tighter.
“What d-do I do?” Matt asked so innocently Kelly himself almost cried, Matt was so in pain and he’d been internalizing it so much. He’d hid it from everyone, pushed everyone away while he’d had to deal with all this on his own.
“Dad’s dead, Mom’s in jail, Christie and her husband and—and Violet. Violet’s gone too.” Matt whispered, his voice barely audible over the sound of the water hitting the floor of the shower, “And I’m probably next.”
Kelly frowned, “You’re not going to be next.”
Matt shook his head. “You don’t know that.”
“Neither do you,” Kelly pointed out, still clutching Matt like he was the only valuable thing in the world.
Matt sighed and Kelly could pretty well feel him retreating back behind his guards.
“Listen.” Kelly murmured, rubbing Matt’s back slowly. “I know this doesn’t feel good, but just let it all out.”
Matt shrugged.
“It’s okay to cry.”
“It’s not.” Matt muttered, “Dad said—“
“No offence,” Kelly interrupted, pulling away to look at Matt. “But your Dad is also dead. Not the best role model.”
Matt laughed. Out of the blue, he just laughed. Laughed like he thought that was the most hilarious thing ever. But then his face slowly twisted back into anguish and he began breathing heavily and he started sobbing again. “I’m sorry.” Kelly murmured, pulling Matt back to him. “I’m sorry.”
They stayed like that for a long while before Matt, now quiet and somewhat sated, pulled back.
“S-sorry. Got you all wet.” Matt frowned.
“It’s okay. I needed to wash these clothes anyways.” Kelly smiled, stripping away his soaked hoodie and t-shirt. They were both only in their pants now, both sets of bare chests and gorgeous abs on display for each to admire. Matt made the first move, pulling Kelly in by the back of his neck and kissing him hard. Kelly kissed back eagerly, ecstatic that he finally had the chance to feel Matt’s lips against his. Their mouths slid against each other’s perfectly, each part synchronizing with another.
“Matt, wait.” Kelly pulled away after momentarily getting lost in Matt’s perfectness.
Matt looked immediately worried.
“Is this what you really want?”
“I don’t really know what I want right now.” Matt concluded honestly.
“Well, let’s wait with that then.” Kelly smiled encouragingly, “Let’s get you warm and dressed and comfortable first.”
“I can dry myself.” Matt murmured self-consciously as Kelly wrapped a fluffy towel around Matt’s upper half and started to rub the wet skin.
Kelly raised an eyebrow. “Let me take care of you. Just for tonight.”
Matt shrugged. “I don’t think I know how to do that.”
“Don’t think.” Kelly chuckled, “Just let it happen.”
Kelly soon had Matt dressed in a pair of well fitting sweatpants, a warm sweater, and had managed to conjure up a cup of hot chocolate, which Matt clutched tightly in his hands. (Alcohol didn’t seem like the greatest idea at this point.) Kelly had nothing but a towel wrapped around his waist, while his clothes tumbled around in the dryer. The both sat on a fur blanket in front of the fireplace soaking in the heat and enjoying the silent company.
“It’s going to be okay.” Kelly said after a short time.
“I know.” Matt mumbled, “I just can’t believe they’re gone.”
“Life’s short.” Kelly nodded.
“When I had to identify the bodies—“
“You had to identify them?” Kelly looked up worriedly.
Matt nodded, the images of the mangled, burnt bodies making him feel nauseous all over again.
“You should have told me, I would’ve gone with you.”
“Why?” Matt asked curiously.
“Because nobody should ever have to do that alone.”
“Hm.” Matt looked surprised.
Kelly cautiously studied Matt.
Matt met his gaze after a second. “I can see it now.”
Kelly looked at him in confusion, “See what?”
“You do care. I can see it now.”
Kelly smiled happily, “Finally.”
“You know, nobody’s jumped in a freezing cold shower just to hug me before.” Matt smiled. “And actually nobody’s really hugged me before, not like that, not like they meant it…Nobody’s helped me dress before.” He continued, his smile fading a little with every work he spoke, “Nobody’s brushed my hair before. Nobody’s made me hot chocolate before.”
“There’re going to be a lot more firsts,” Kelly raised an eyebrow.
Matt set his empty cup down beside him and leaned into Kelly, pushing him flat back into the fluffy blanket. He softly pushed their lips together, each movement soft, slow, and careful. They were chest to chest, all of Matt’s weight was now resting on Kelly. Matt ran a hand up the side of Kelly’s stomach, dancing across his ribs and rubbing over his collar bone before gripping his shoulder. “Nobody’s ever made love to me in front of a fireplace.” Matt spoke with a grin, kissing the side of Kelly’s neck.
Kelly took in a soft sigh of pleasure, “And nobody will be making love to you in front of a fireplace tonight.” He managed to whisper, focussing on the sensitive tissue behind his ear that Matt was currently nipping at.
Matt pulled back, “You want to do it somewhere else?” He questioned curiously.
“Oh, I want to do it right here, right now, but I think we should wait.”
Matt looked at him with confusion.
“Matt, you’re grieving. I don’t want this to be an emotional lapse in judgement that you’ll regret.”
“It’s not.” Matt assured him.
“I’m sure it’s not, but I just want to be safe.” Kelly murmured carefully.
“C’mon,” Matt smiled, “Where’s your inner serial philanderer?”
“I’m not going to philander you,” Kelly chuckled, “You’re not a casual fling.”
Matt smiled, but the happiness didn’t reach his eyes.
“What can I do to make you feel better?” Kelly asked after a few moments of heavy silence lapsed.
Matt shrugged shortly. “I just want to forget.”
Kelly nodded after a moment, “I understand, I really do, but that’s not the way to go.”
Matt shuffled down a little and rested his head on Kelly’s shoulder. “Then what is?”
“Time, and not avoiding it.”
“Uh huh, yeah is that what you always do?” Matt pointed out, raising an eyebrow.
“Do as I say, not as I do.” Kelly chuckled, wrapping his arm around Matt in a gently. “Look, we have work in the morning, what if we meet up after and we can get blackout drunk then?”
“Okay.” Matt sighed.
They fell asleep like that, on the floor in front of the fireplace, Kelly holding Matt as they lay completely relaxed. They were almost late for shift, but they made it just in the nick of time. The crew that were already there watched as the boys stumbled in through the door, laughing and joking around as they went.
As Kelly walked Matt to his office, he studied him. He noticed that he didn’t have a pained look on his face, his demeanour wasn’t downcast, he didn’t seem sad… Either Matt was getting really good at hiding his emotions, or the poor guy was actually reaching the end of the tunnel.
“Matt.” Kelly spoke softly as Matt stepped into his office.
Matt looked up with a smirk. “Yeah?”
“I’d get if today is still hard. If you’re still processing.” Kelly stated carefully, “If you need anything at all, or there’s something I can do to help, just let me know okay?”
“Okay.” Matt smiled sadly at Kelly.
Kelly turned to leave but Matt’s voice stopped him.
“Kel.”
“Yeah?”
“I care about you too.” Matt was smiling, but it wasn’t sad this time, it was hopeful.
Kelly couldn’t stop himself as he marched over to Matt, wrapped his arms around his waist and tugged him close. He leaned in to capture Matt’s lips with his own, kissing him sweetly and gently. It was a perfect moment, it was everything Matt had ever wanted, ever needed, in his life. He didn’t know what to do besides holding Kelly equally tight, kissing him with equal passion, letting him know that he was there, he was ready to fight for whatever this was.
“We probably shouldn’t make a habit of doing that at work—“ Kelly sighed as he pulled back.
“Probably not,” Matt chuckled, pulling away a little so he was able to look Kelly in the eye. “Hey, uh—Do you want to have dinner at my place tomorrow?”
“Thought you wanted to get blackout drunk?” Kelly smirked, an eyebrow raised.
“I did, but there’s things I don’t want to forget about now.” Matt smiled timidly.
“In that case, I’d love to have dinner with you.” Kelly looked at Matt happily, leaning forward and carefully kissing the blond’s forehead. “I’ll see you around, Lieutenant.” He smiled, giving Matt a wink.
“Yeah.” Matt couldn’t help but grin as he watched Kelly reluctantly leave. It was a miracle that no one had seen them together, and they’d have to be more cautious about that in the future, but it was totally worth it.
Throughout that shift, there were many shared glances. Enough that the crew started noticing, then suddenly Kelly stopped. Kelly would barely look at Matt even if he needed to, even if they were on a call and it was necessary to communicate. He’d avoid Matt around the firehouse, going out of his way so that he wouldn’t run into him. Matt began feeling worried, he knew this was all too good to be true. He knew that Kelly hadn’t been genuinely interested, he should have followed his first instinct and finished pushing him away completely. Now he’d been open, vulnerable, and he’d told Kelly things that he’d never spoke to a soul about before. Regret. Besides the throbbing of the knife in his back, that’s all he could feel. Regret just creeping into every thought, every nice memory from last night was losing the magic. Falling asleep with Kelly had been truly perfect, he’d finally slept through the night without a nightmare plaguing him for the first time in months. He’d finally forgot about all his problems, even if it was just a night. But it was all a lie.
Morning after shift, Matt went home as usual. He’d just begun his third rep of push-ups when there was a knock at the door. He got up and looked through the peephole on the door and immediately wondered what the hell Kelly was doing here, he’d shown his true colours and Matt had seen enough.
“Go away.” Matt grumbled as he walked away from the door.
“Matt,” Kelly spoke curiously from the other side of the door. “It’s me.”
“I know.”
“Matt?”
Matt sighed, taking in a deep breath and walked back to the door, swinging it open. “What do you want?”
“What’s wrong?”
Matt tried to slam the door shut, but Kelly was a little more prepared, sneaking his foot between the door and the doorframe. Hurt like hell, but did the job, and if it allowed him to look at Matt for a couple more seconds, he’d gladly do it again and again and again. Matt just looked at him frustratedly and walked away.
“Talk to me, Matt.” Kelly pleaded, following the blond into the apartment.
“What are you doing?” Matt spun around, running a hand through his hair. “You can’t just— you can’t just play with me like this—“ He muttered breathlessly, his stress levels rising.
“I’m not—“ Kelly began.
“Stop! Just stop. Go. Go away.” Matt burst out, tears gathering in his eyes but not falling.
“You’re upset because I didn’t talk to you much yesterday, aren’t you.”
“You changed your mind, it’s fine.” Matt looked at the floor, avoiding Kelly’s gaze. “It shouldn’t—it doesn’t bother me.”
“I didn’t change my mind.” Kelly replied quietly.
“You ignored me, you avoided me, every time I smiled at you, you acted like you didn’t even give a shit.”
“I—“
“Why are you even still here?”
“Because I love you!” Kelly replied quickly, his voice full of determination and passion. “Matthew Casey, I love you. I know I was acting weird yesterday, but every single time I looked at you, I kept thinking about how much I couldn’t lose you, every time you smiled at me, I couldn’t think straight, and Matt, every time I avoided you, it was because I wasn’t sure I could stop myself from kissing you…”
“Oh.” Matt replied a beat later, eyebrows raised.
“It’s going to take some time to figure this all out, to get used to this, but I want it to work and I didn’t want to screw anything up before we’d even figured this out. But the point is that I do want us to figure this out.” Kelly explained carefully, “I’m sorry. Looks like a screwed everything up anyway.”
Matt was almost smiling now. He rushed forward and met Kelly with a kiss that made him forget what day it even was. “I’m sorry. I just—I think I have a hard time trusting people still, and I know that’s not an excuse—“
“Shh..” Kelly interrupted, running a thumb across the back of Matt’s hand comfortingly. “You had every right to react the way you did. I was being an idiot.”
“I want to figure this out too.” Matt spoke after a second.
Kelly embraced Matt gently, “And we will. We’ll take it slow.”
“Slow?” Matt raised an eyebrow, “Kelly Severide taking it slow?”
“Oh shut up,” Kelly stole the words off Matt’s lips with a short kiss. “Up for a coffee?”
“No,” Matt laughed softly, “Not when there’s cold beer in the fridge.”
“Beer?” Kelly returned with a chuckle, “It’s barely eleven in the morning.”
“And you promised me blackout drunk, so we better get started.”
“Can’t say no to that.” Kelly smiled, letting Matt keep hold of his hand as he led them to the kitchen to get the drinks. They’d make this work. It’d take a lot of effort and it probably wouldn’t be easy, but nothing worth having ever was.