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He’s always felt caught in between two worlds.
That is, of course, the nature of his place in the pack, but it never feels right. It never feels like he owns it. He watches as everyone else blossoms: alphas into gentle leaders, omegas into fierce protectors of young. But he never blossoms. Never feels at home.
“You’re rare,” his mother tells him when he presents, petting across his hair as he lays his head on her chest. “There’s something special in that.”
It doesn’t feel special. It feels like isolation. It feels like loneliness.
All throughout his adolescence, Baekhyun has no special lessons to attend in the mornings. He has no special training, no words to remember. He is one of only four betas born to the pack in the past five hundred moons. There’s nothing to be done with them. They reside in the dark space. The forgotten ones.
“Oh, it’s not as melancholy as all that,” his mother says, eternally optimistic.
Easy for her to say, Baekhyun thinks. She knows what she is. What she's supposed to be.
☾
He watches everyone else, and he watches them mate around him. Some mate through the courting rituals, some not. Some mate from other, faraway packs, some not. The worst of it is that he tries not to compare himself to them. Tries not to think about how his scent will never be as powerful as everyone else’s. How that means he’ll probably never mate the way he should.
“Don’t be so dramatic,” Chanyeol says, splashing water at him.
The wood is thick around them, the break in the trees letting the light shine onto the glassy surface of the river. He smells the water, smells the soil, smells Chanyeol’s scent on the air. Rich and deep like leather. Like burning fires. Still sweet. Like vanilla.
“It’s not being dramatic,” Baekhyun scoffs, splashing back. “It’s being realistic.”
“You’re funny,” Chanyeol says. “And you’re smart. And you make those caramel cream candies for everyone in the pack. Who cares what you smell like? You’ll find someone.”
Baekhyun rolls his eyes, dunks his head under the water. When he emerges, Chanyeol is under the water, scrubbing at his hair. Baekhyun shakes the water off, drops flying through the air as Chanyeol emerges in turn. Shaking the same way Baekhyun had.
They bathe in silence for a few moments, quiet but thoughtful.
“When you mated,” Baekhyun says, breaking the silence, “what did it feel like?”
“What do you mean?” Chanyeol asks.
“How did you know,” Baekhyun says, “how did you know it was your mate?”
Chanyeol looks away wistfully. Like he’s deep in memory.
“I just knew,” Chanyeol says, the dreamy look on his face the only thing protecting him from getting a punch to the arm.
Baekhyun will know no such instinct, will never have anyone feel that instinct towards him. And the sooner he comes to grips with that, he thinks, scrubbing at his skin harshly, the better.
☾
His days are strange. No one quite knows what to do with him, so he gets to do whatever he wants. And that changes, day to day. Sometimes, he quite likes staying with the new pups and the new parents, helping as the healers make sure all is well. Sometimes, he goes with the runners, patrolling the borders. Sometimes, he hunts. And he’s good with a bow, good enough to split the eyes on most prey. He cooks, fells trees, learns about the medicinal herbs and flowers. He knows how to read, how to write, and he even sometimes helps teach the pups, along with the schoolmaster.
So he does what he feels like doing. Gets proficient at most all of it.
If nothing else, he thinks, he’ll be useful.
☾
Sun. Wind. The scent of strawberries and lemons. Hints of vanilla.
Baekhyun opens his eyes slowly, grimaces at what he sees above him. A smiling Jongdae, all teeth. What a menace.
“What are you doing here?” Baekhyun asks, rubbing at his eyes as he stretches in his bed.
“Your mother called for me to fetch you,” he said, smiling. “She thought you’d forget.”
“Forget what?” Baekhyun asks as he sits up to greet Jongdae properly.
“Courting’s today,” Jongdae says, ruffling Baekhyun’s hair. “That pack from the south. Did you actually forget?”
Yes, Baekhyun thinks, he had forgotten. There was nothing for him at the formal courtings. Wolves passed him by with a sniff.
“Come, come,” Jongdae says. “Let’s get pretty, then. I’ve heard they’ve got a couple alphas who smell like a dream, and I’m ready to bag one for myself.”
Baekhyun snorts, and Jongdae shoves him by the shoulder.
They sit next to each other, patting the scentless, rose-colored oil at the center of their lips, at the apples of their cheeks. Jongdae fusses with his hair, pushing it back attractively, but Baekhyun doesn’t bother. He’s got no one to impress. No such future alpha or omega to prepare for.
Jongdae holds Baekhyun’s hand the way he always does before courtings, and they walk the beaten path to the clearing, the yellow ranunculus that line the circle completely without scent. Baekhyun looks at them as he and the rest of the wolves from his pack form a single-file line. They’re so pretty, he wishes he got to see them in any other context.
The courting ceremony is tense the way it always is at the very beginning, and Baekhyun tries fruitlessly to calm his nerves. The head alpha of the visiting pack steps forward into sight and embraces their head alpha in a show of friendship, a demonstration of the long-standing peace between them. And then, the young, eligible wolves step into the clearing.
The visiting wolves keep their eyes down, and Baekhyun’s curiosity gets the best of him. He looks them over carefully. And can’t help but agree: there are some dreams among them. Chief among them, Baekhyun thinks, is a tall and handsome boy, honeyed brown hair and eyes of the same color. He is wearing a leather band around his wrist and one around his neck. A crown of white amaryllis on his head. His smile is...Baekhyun doesn’t let himself think it. Just looks away.
“Begin,” his head alpha says. And it begins.
Baekhyun keeps his hands at his sides as the alphas and omegas pass them all by. The ceremony goes quicker than most, as none stop for a second sniff.
None, that is, until the young alpha steps forward.
And he is an alpha, Baekhyun finds, the scent of him is warm like fresh baked bread, spicy but sweet like cinnamon sugar. He bows in front of Baekhyun, in front of Baekhyun, traditional and polite, and he keeps his eyes low. Doesn't meet Baekhyun's gaze at all.
It is all wrong because it is all so, so right. This was never the future that he deserved. This was never a possibility for him . He panics. Doesn’t know what to do. Is this real? Is it a dream?
"Y-you may rise," Baekhyun says, trying to remember all of the things he overheard from the courting classes, twisting his fingers together as his brain works.
The alpha stands, head bent low. Still polite. Still kind in his deference.
"You can--I mean, you don't have to...you can look at me," Baekhyun mutters. "If you want."
The alpha’s eyes snap to his, and oh, his eyes. His eyes. Golden-brown and looking right through him. Baekhyun is ruined.
"Okay," the alpha says sweetly, and Baekhyun’s heart thumps wildly in his chest. "It's nice to meet you."
☾
The tradition is strange. Everyone retreats for the festival. All but two.
Jongdae squeezes Baekhyun’s hand in his before he leaves, slow, and then it is just he and the alpha. So they sit down, the earth summer-warm beneath their crossed legs.
“I’m sorry,” the alpha says.
“Don’t apologize,” Baekhyun says. “It’s...I’m just--I don’t really know what I’m doing here.”
The alpha’s head tips to the side in confusion.
“Your pack doesn’t do any...training?” the alpha asks.
“Ah,” Baekhyun says, finally understanding the misunderstanding. He must not realize. “I’m a beta.”
“Right,” the alpha says.
“So,” Baekhyun says, unsure where to go next. “So I’m a beta.”
“So you didn’t have any training?” the alpha asks.
“No,” Baekhyun says. “I’m the only one, so--what’s a class with one wolf?”
“Oh,” the alpha says, frowning.
“Oh?” Baekhyun repeats. “What do you mean oh?”
“Well,” the alpha says, and he shifts against the ground. “I guess I was just thinking about how it must have been a bit lonely.”
Tears spring to Baekhyun’s eyes.
“Yeah,” Baekhyun says. “A little.”
“Oh,” the alpha says, and he...he reaches forward, brushes the wet away from Baekhyun’s cheek. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t apologize,” Baekhyun says wetly. “I just never really thought I--never mind.”
“No,” the alpha says. “It’s okay.”
Baekhyun breathes in roughly, exhales just as rough.
“I never thought I would be courted,” he says honestly.
Jongin smiles sadly.
“Did you not want to be?” Jongin asks.
Truth, Baekhyun wonders, or lie?
“I wanted,” Baekhyun says.
Jongin reaches forward, takes Baekhyun’s hand in his. It is a simple touch, a small touch, but it feels like fire under his skin.
“I’m--I guess I should...tell you my name?” Baekhyun says.
“If you’d like,” the alpha smiles.
“Baekhyun,” he says, and then, less sure, “may I know yours?”
The alpha smiles.
“Jongin,” he says, and he offers Baekhyun his wrist.
Baekhyun...he didn’t attend any training, but he knows this much.
He touches his wrist to Jongin’s. It earns him another smile, and truthfully? Baekhyun is already thinking of ways to earn another.
☾
Baekhyun shows him everything. The wells, the medicine huts, the rivers, the mines. He shows him the puppies, the food stores. He even shows him the hall, where some of the other wolves hang the ribbons and flower chains for the festival.
“We’re just about at the northern border,” Baekhyun says, huffing with effort. “If you look just over there…”
He points with his finger to a line of fruit trees, and Jongin leans in, follows the line.
“That’s the grove,” Baekhyun says. “We grow most of our food there.”
“Wow,” Jongin says, smiling pleasantly. “It’s so pretty.”
“It’s--it’s nothing much,” Baekhyun says shyly. “But it’s ours.”
“You seem to know everything,” Jongin says. “Everything about everything.”
Baekhyun bows.
“No, not...not in a bad way,” Jongin says. “In a nice way. I feel like I picked the best wolf for a tour.”
Baekhyun thrums with pride at the praise.
“Ah,” Baekhyun says. “You’re too kind."
“No,” Jongin says. “I’m only as kind as I feel I ought to be.”
Baekhyun decides to be bold, smiling as he grabs Jongin’s hand in his. They lace their fingers together as they walk along the border to the grove, and when Baekhyun picks a peach from the tree, he holds it out for Jongin to take.
Jongin bites into the flesh as Baekhyun holds it for him, and Baekhyun watches as the juice runs across Jongin’s lips and then down his neck.
☾
They sit around the fire later in the early evening, and Baekhyun tells Jongin not to believe any of the horrible things that Chanyeol and Jongdae try to tell him. They share stories. They drink a bit. They laugh. Oh, they laugh.
Jongin giggles loudly with his mouth open, gasping through it, and Baekhyun thinks it is the best sound he’s ever heard, even better than the sound of an egg frying in a hot pan or the sound of the river during a rainstorm.
“You guys would like Kyungsoo,” Jongin says. “Hold on, I’ll go get him.”
Baekhyun watches as Jongin goes over to the hall, talks to the boy with the heavy brow and points over in their direction.
“He’s nice,” Jongdae whispers, shoving his elbow into Baekhyun’s side.
“Yeah,” Baekhyun whispers back. “I think so.”
☾
Sound is everywhere, even as it tries to absorb into the wooden walls of the hall. The cheering and laughter is raucous as the party truly begins, the mulled wine flows, the food served. Jongin tangles his ankle with Baekhyun’s underneath the table, and Baekhyun tries desperately to hide his smile. Is it this easy, he wonders. Should it be this easy to fall for someone? For him to fall for someone?
When the music swells, Jongin takes him in his arms, whisks him out to the rest of the couples. Mates, mostly. And Baekhyun lets himself dream this impossible dream. To be in love: what a magical thing.
Their bodies press against each other tightly, and Baekhyun feels so much. So soon? Is that how it is for everyone? Or is it just him, wanting this so, so very badly?
They hold each other by the back of the neck, heads resting against each others, so when Jongin speaks, breaks through all the noise, it is directly in Baekhyun’s ear, sending shivers down Baekhyun’s spine.
“May I kiss you?” Jongin asks softly, still so polite.
“Y-yes,” Baekhyun stutters, and then Jongin’s mouth is on his.
It is so nice, the way Jongin holds him like something meant to be preserved. Something meant to be held high above you, honored above all else. He could get used to this, he thinks, as Jongin runs his hands down the sides of Baekhyun’s body, and Baekhyun moans into Jongin’s mouth.
Jongin pulls back, breathless and smiling, and Baekhyun returns the smile tenfold.
He leans down, and he meets Baekhyun’s eyes, mischievous as his lips graze the soft, sensitive part of his neck, where the mark might go, and Baekhyun feels everything surge to the surface of his skin, boiling hot arousal in every fucking pore.
He flinches. Flinches back like he was scalded. He sees Jongin smirking back at him, so satisfied with himself.
“What are you doing?” Baekhyun asks, horrified.
Jongin’s face drops instantly, and his scent changes too: burnt bread. Caramel that’s stuck to the bottom of the pan. Blackened and bubbling.
“Baekhyun, wh--”
“Is this all just some joke to you?” Baekhyun asks. “Are you just trying to make me--make me like you so that you can go back to all your friends and laugh at me for being stupid enough to believe you?”
“No, Baekhyun. Stop,” Jongin says. “It’s nothing like that, I was just…”
He backs away quickly, as fast as he knows how. This was never for him. He should know better.
“Don’t follow me,” Baekhyun orders, tears in his eyes. “Don’t.”
And Jongin doesn’t, and his eyes bore into the back of Baekhyun’s neck as Baekhyun leaves. Runs to the river.
☾
Chanyeol is there, staring at the moon.
“Shouldn’t you be elsewhere?” Chanyeol asks, not even bothering to look back at him.
“No,” Baekhyun says. “I’m exactly where I should be.”
He sits on the bank of the river, laying next to Chanyeol.
“Don’t,” Chanyeol says. “Go talk to him.”
“Don’t tell me what to do,” Baekhyun says.
“Why are you here, hm?” Chanyeol asks, eyes still up at the sky. “Speak to me plainly. No funny business.”
Baekhyun doesn’t know what to say.
“This isn’t because of--” Chanyeol starts, and he chances a glance over at Baekhyun. “Oh. Don’t.”
“Don’t what?”
“Don’t ruin this just because you think you don’t deserve happiness,” Chanyeol says. “Or that you can’t be happy.”
I don’t, Baekhyun says. I can’t. It’s how I was born.
“What if he...what if he wants something that I’m not?” Baekhyun asks.
“Don’t presume to know how anyone feels about anything,” Chanyeol says. “That’s my advice.”
“Shut up,” Baekhyun says.
Chanyeol leans up on an elbow, critical.
“You know, you think you know everything,” Chanyeol says. “But you don’t know anything about yourself. Not at all.”
Baekhyun stares at the moon. Wishes he could just live up there, among starlight.
“You should let him tell you,” Chanyeol says. “Give him the chance.”
☾
The festival rages on into the night, even by the time Baekhyun returns. He grabs a cup of the mulled wine, sips it carefully as his eyes scan the hall. And then he sees Jongin. And he just…he can’t. He walks over, the red at his lips enough to steel him for it.
“Can you...can you come outside?” Baekhyun asks. “For a moment?”
“For you?” Jongin asks. “Of course.”
The grounds are empty and quiet, but the noise from the festival leaks outside, and when Jongin stands against the wall of the hall, Baekhyun feels it all bubble back up. The panic. The horror of letting himself believe.
“Why me?” Baekhyun asks hysterically.
“What?” he asks.
“Why me?” Baekhyun asks. “Don’t you get it? Don’t you know what I am?”
“A beta?” Jongin asks with a quirk of his mouth. “As if that’s some dirty word.”
“I-it is,” Baekhyun says, admitting to himself what he’s always thought. “I’m--I’m not…”
“You are,” Jongin says.
“I’m not,” Baekhyun whines. “I’m never going to be what you want. I’m never going to be an omega. I’m never--I’m never going to be able to give you what you want.”
Jongin steps forward, takes up space that Baekhyun gives up willingly.
“Do you know what I want?” Jongin asks.
“I do,” Baekhyun says.
“You don’t,” Jongin says. “Not at all.”
“Fine,” Baekhyun huffs. “What do you want, then?”
Jongin looks up at the moon. Baekhyun looks too. It is a clear night. The moon full and bright above them.
“I want someone who cares about the little things,” Jongin says, and he takes Baekhyun’s hand in his. “Who knows everything there is to know about how his pack works. I want someone who thinks and feels with compassion first, and everything else second. I...do you know what you smell like?”
"What?" Baekhyun asks.
"Do you know what you smell like?" Jongin repeats.
Nothing, Baekhyun thinks. I don't smell like anything.
"You smell like freshly fallen snow," Jongin smiles. "I want someone who smells like snow. I want someone like you. No, I...I want you."
Maybe, he lets himself think. Maybe.
“A-are you...are you sure?” Baekhyun asks.
“I don’t know that I want to mate you right now, or within the moon even,” Jongin laughs. “But I want to court you. I wasn’t...I wasn’t lying. I wouldn’t do that to anyone, especially...especially not you.”
Baekhyun squeezes his eyes shut, feels a tear leak out at the corner. Soon as it’s there, though, it’s gone, because Jongin brushes it away. Baekhyun opens his eyes. Greeted by beauty, compassion. A strange understanding.
“May I kiss you?” Jongin asks shyly. “Again?”
Baekhyun doesn’t answer, just pulls him in by the shoulders until their lips are pressed against each others.
He stakes a little claim of his own. The first of many, he hopes.