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It’s shameful, Hyungwon thinks. He’s known as a vocalist yet all he does is hold a microphone and pretend to sing with the group when in reality it’s not even turned on. What’s the point of even being in the group when he so obviously can’t contribute?
His position in Monsta X has been something he’s been questioning ever since debut. It’s almost funny how Hyungwon has sung more lines on their survival show than in their actual title songs.
They’re already on their second full length album, yet he doesn’t feel like he’s truly a member of the group. Sure, he was chosen, but with the amount of lines he has, he wonders for what reason.
Is it just his face? Or does Hyungwon actually have the potential to be an idol?
Sometimes he just doesn’t know. And sometimes, when he thinks too hard about it, his heart hurts. Not that anyone really notices, or maybe they do and they just don’t mention it.
Hyungwon prefers it that way, because the last thing he’d want to do is worry the other members.
Still, it fucking sucks.
At least he knows their fans think the same - constantly getting angry on his behalf at his lack of lines and Hyungwon laughs at the jokes they make. Though at times it feels like more than a joke, and he finds himself crying quietly into his pillow instead.
A year back, during Fighter, Minhyuk talked to him about it, knowing all too well they had the least lines. And as an effect of being together for so long, he knew that Hyungwon wasn’t the happiest about having merely a few seconds.
Despite being considered a ‘breathing legend’ to a few fans, he wasn’t upset at the members who obtained more lines, knowing they were just better. It makes him wonder if he’s not good enough.
Minhyuk had looked personally offended when he suggested that, and they got into an argument.
Naturally, they patched things up and it became an unspoken rule on Minhyuk’s side to not bring their parts up again. Hyungwon can tell he really wants to though.
He feels bad for silencing his boyfriend, but he’d rather not fight. There’s nothing wrong with keeping all his thoughts to himself anyway.
Truthfully, after that Hyungwon was relieved that he, alongside Minhyuk, were starting to get more lines.
When they mentioned a pair dance in the bridge of their new comeback, he was ecstatic to find out his partner would be Minhyuk.
There was nothing wrong with doing it with Changkyun in Jealousy, it just felt weird, since he’s more of a younger (older) brother to Hyungwon.
He loves Changkyun.
But Hyungwon loves Minhyuk.
It wasn’t obvious but they were told by the company to lay low, and although he was bitter about it, he’s glad they’re slowly letting them do their own things.
He’s at his best when he’s free to love Minhyuk all he wants.
And Shoot Out is great, with the amount of lines he has. It’s definitely more than Fighter, and Fallin’, where he received less than a second of parts.
So when Hyungwon found out what’d he be singing for their cover that would be performed on National Television, it stung.
Rather than even singing, he’d be lip syncing, tasked to act as if he’d be apart of chorus. His other and vastly greater role would be to dance during the break and Hyungwon is the dancer of their group along with Hyunwoo and Hoseok but it’s still nauseating.
Hyungwon is aware of the reactions when they were handed the parts, he saw all the worried side long glances thrown his way and he was more than aware of Minhyuk’s stare.
They never talked about it though, and that brought him relief.
Minhyuk was finally starting to get recognition for his voice by their company, he wasn’t going to bring his boyfriend down with his problems.
His problems that probably aren’t that bad, yet continue to make him question his worth numerous times.
Now being one of those times.
They decided to watch the live broadcast as a group, excited to see how it turned out.
Hyungwon wasn’t as excited.
Watching it together means that everybody will see how little he contributed, they’ll notice how little his presence is.
That’s terrifying. They’re a family, all seven of them so he knows they won’t think any less of Hyungwon but the fear remains.
He especially doesn’t want them to see how pathetic he is, a vocalist yet all he does is hold a microphone that isn’t even switched on for him.
Because the staff know, the people in charge of the sound system know. And then with the broadcast up for the world to see, now everyone knows Hyungwon is the member who doesn’t (can’t) sing.
It’s embarrassing for him, and the group.
So yeah, it all fucking sucks and Hyungwon should be grateful he’s even in a successful group with a few wins (at last) under their belt but he’s ashamed.
He feels apologetic for the whole group, for having to be teamed with an incompetent member who’s basically tasked to dance and look pretty.
Disgusting.
A few more negative thoughts later, he’s ready to hopefully sleep it all off and forget about what a shit performance it was - at least for him, Jooheon and the rest did great, when a knock comes.
He’s actually in Minhyuk’s bed, needing the comfort more than ever, but the owner of the bed is somewhere outside. Minhyuk won’t mind him hijacking the bed though, he always gets a wonderful surprise seeing Hyungwon waiting for him.
Changkyun makes gagging noises whenever they’re together, and Hyungwon finds it adorably funny.
He’s the member Hyungwon is most at ease with, besides Minhyuk. Even though they really wanted to room together, their company mentioned how ‘obvious’ it’d be so they were denied of that.
At least they don’t complain when him and Minhyuk sleep together. Without his warmth, Hyungwon wouldn’t be able to survive - as cheesy as it sounds.
“May I come in?” Hyungwon hears a muffled voice from behind the door and snorts. It’s cute how Minhyuk still asks despite the room being his.
He gets off, with great difficulty - never wanting to leave the bed and pulls the door open.
They’re face to face, Minhyuk looks mildly concerned and it hurts Hyungwon, a little.
“Hi,” he breathes out, unsure of why he sounds so breathless.
(Maybe it’s because Minhyuk is stunning - even when he’s off stage and bare faced. Because he has this natural glow around him that Hyungwon should be used to be by now, but isn’t.)
Arms wrap around his neck and Hyungwon melts into the touch. Despite being somebody who greatly appreciates personal space, skinship with Minhyuk is always welcomed.
Burying his neck into Minhyuk’s shoulder, he sighs. He needed this.
Patting his head while running fingers through his hair, Minhyuk speaks up. “You good?”
Honestly, Hyungwon wants to say yes, everything’s fine, and drag both of them to bed so they can cuddle and call it a night. But another part of him screams no, not at all, and it wins.
Face still comfortably on the space between Minhyuk’s neck and shoulder, he mumbles his reply.
“Not really.”
Humming, he shifts his hands towards Hyungwon’s back, patting the area there instead.
It’s comforting, and familiar.
“Want to talk about it?” It’s a question Minhyuk always asks now, more than ever.
They’ve been (boy)friends for a while but he’s never really considered Hyungwon’s feelings until quite recently. Not that he’s ever minded, it’s just who Minhyuk is.
He nods, and feels all too vulnerable.
Pushing both of them in, while Hyungwon hangs off Minhyuk like a koala, he closes the door with his foot and shuffles them towards the bed.
Sighing again, because talking is always difficult, Hyungwon lets go and sits cross legged on the bed.
Thankfully the company bought them single beds, his head would always bump on the top bunk every time he was on Minhyuk’s bed.
Holding his hand, he softly smiles, encouraging Hyungwon to elaborate. Almost like a teacher trying to communicate with a student who’s made a mistake.
He can do this, it’s Minhyuk. Minhyuk makes things easier, even if it’s hard to get through him at times.
“I don’t like how…” he stops, trying to think of a better way to phrase it since ‘I don’t like how I get no lines,’ sounds incredibly whiny.
Biting his lower lip, Hyungwon searches his brain for all the words taught in class almost ten years ago.
“You don’t like how useless you are?” Minhyuk sure knows how to find the right words to say, no matter how much it stings.
Chuckling at his lack of tact, because it’s so Minhyuk, he agrees with the suggestion.
“Yeah, that.”
Rubbing his thumb on Minhyuk’s hand, he considers his next sentence.
“You already know this, but I hate how I’m not good enough for lines, and I realize that it’s because we have great vocals in our group, but it fucking sucks.” It comes out like a dam finally breaking and his words are the water trapped.
Without even taking the time to catch his breath, Hyungwon continues. “And I’m not angry at them for being good, I’m angry at myself for not working hard enough to do well - to do as well as them.”
Minhyuk nods, and it’s at times like these that he wants to tell the world that Minhyuk is actually a fantastic listener, even if he talks a lot.
“I know I shouldn’t be pouring this on you since we’re the members with the least parts, but you’re getting better and getting more lines too - which I’m really proud of by the way, you’ve come a long way.” He can’t help the last part, where he compliments Minhyuk. Having trained together for six years and more, Hyungwon is incredibly happy to see him doing his best.
He can’t say the same about himself though.
Despite feeling like complete shit, the way Minhyuk grins makes his heart ache a little less. (It also makes it race.)
“And it’s just frustrating, not you, but the way I’m practically stagnant. All I have is my face, my visuals and that’s it. Nobody ever talks about my voice because they aren’t given a reason to.” He swallows, willing his throat to stop doing the thing it does when he’s about to cry. “I hate that if I left, all they’d lose is a pretty face.”
Hyungwon tries not to bring up leaving, because it’s a really sad topic and he doesn’t like seeing Minhyuk’s frown.
They only reached debut because they had each other, Hyungwon knows they’d be nothing, alone.
Even so, he can’t help but wonder what life would be like if he gave up and became a model instead.
Models don’t have to sing, they don’t have to beg for lines, they just have to do what Starship thinks he does best - look good on camera.
A grip on his hand tightens, tugging him back to reality. The one where he’s not a model but part of the vocal line of Monsta X.
“Hey, Hyungwon.” It’s the tone Minhyuk uses when he’s not happy, but isn’t exactly angry either. A tone that’s reserved for Hyungwon, when he’s particularly upset about something.
He bites his lip harder, wishing he’d just draw blood and disappear. The last thing he wanted to do was make Minhyuk sad, even if it’s pretty much inevitable.
“I love you,” The seriousness of the statement makes Hyungwon’s eyebrows raise and his heart clenches. His throat closes up and suddenly he’s crying. It’s not what he expected. “I love you so, so much and it hurts that you don’t know special you are.”
He wants Minhyuk to stop, because his tears won’t if he continues.
“Not just to me, but to all our fans, everybody who sees you - on National TV and gets furious at our company because they don’t treat you better, and because you deserve so much more.”
Hyungwon hates how sincere Minhyuk is, especially in moments like these. He’s never considered himself talented, and probably never will.
Yet, when he tells him things like that it makes Hyungwon want to believe he’s everything Minhyuk sees.
Hands move from their place in between Hyungwon’s own and to his cheeks, covered in tears.
“Your voice is one of the loveliest ones I’ve heard, it’s unique and I know for a fact that our fans love it too.” Minhyuk forces his head up, so he’s looking at him and all Hyungwon sees in those too bright eyes of his is love.
Minhyuk brings himself closer, until his legs are over Hyungwon’s own and he’s partially in his lap.
With two hands still on his cheeks, half wiping his tears away and half holding his head in place, they bump foreheads. “One day, I’ll write you a song about how amazing you are, and give it to you. You will sing that song and you will show everyone just what they’re missing.” When they’re this close, Hyungwon wants to kiss him senseless.
“You will show our company that Chae Hyungwon can sing, and deserves more than a dance break.” So Minhyuk knew what he was upset about, and that warms and breaks his heart all at once.
And when they’re this close, Hyungwon can see the adoration shining in Minhyuk’s eyes and the fire burning in them.
For him.
It’s all for Hyungwon.
Although it’s selfish of him, he wishes that those eyes won’t light up for anyone else but him. At least for now.
The tears haven’t left his cheeks, no matter how much Minhyuk tries to wipe them away because the amount of love he’s receiving is too much.
Hyungwon wants - no, needs, to tell Minhyuk how much he loves and appreciates him. But he can’t say anything and every time he tries to form words, a sob comes out in its place.
“Also,” with Minhyuk’s hold on his head loose, his head dropped, eyes focused his own fingers instead but at his voice, Hyungwon looks back up. “They’ve been giving you more lines, even if they were really shitty about our cover, I think you’re slowly but surely getting recognition - I’m proud of you.”
His eyes are beaming, if that’s even possible and Hyungwon lets himself take in the pride radiating from Minhyuk. He’ll at least allow that.
And also because he sounds so certain and well, it’s pretty much facts. Hyungwon has gotten more parts in their newer songs so he can’t refute that. There are just days when he feels like he isn’t doing enough, or he can’t do enough for the group.
As well as for the fans.
Thinking about it makes him choke up and the tears resume, uncontrollably this time. Minhyuk looks so surprised, eyes wide and Hyungwon ends up laughing through his tears.
“Hyungwon?” He sounds so concerned and unsure of what to do it’s funny. “Are you okay? It’s late - we should go to bed?” His voice comes out higher towards the end, making it sound like a question instead of a suggestion.
“I love you.”
That surprises both of them, Hyungwon rarely says the magic words. Not because he’s an asshole or anything, he just finds expressing his feelings in general tough.
“What am I going to do?” It’s a hypothetical question that isn’t for Minhyuk to answer. “I love you so much." His voice cracks and he probably looks like a mess, with snot threatening to flow out of his nose.
He continues anyway, determined to get his point across. "You… Minhyuk, you’ve made me so happy and I can’t say I’m completely okay now when I’m really not but your presence - your words, they mean the most to me.”
Hyungwon is rambling, he almost never rambles his affection. He only does it when he’s nervous, and the last time it happened was when he confessed.
He couldn’t stop talking, going on and on about how wonderful Minhyuk was and how lucky he is to have met him.
Now, it’s the same and Hyungwon feels twenty-one all over again.
“I just…” he is aware of how much he’s talking and he wants to keep it short but Minhyuk is nodding, encouraging and how can he quit now? “I want to believe you.”
Bad move. When he starts rambling, his mind barely processes the next sentence so Hyungwon doesn’t know what comes next until it’s spoken.
Wanting to trust in Minhyuk, when it came to words like these is something Hyungwon can’t see himself doing - not anytime soon, anyway.
It’s not what he wanted to let him know though, considering how much it’d probably worry Minhyuk.
Hyungwon doesn’t want him to think he doesn’t trust Minhyuk either, because he does, there are just things he doesn’t have confidence in.
Doubt is always there, haunting him.
There are moments where it leaves Hyungwon, and those are usually caused by Minhyuk who shows him unconditional love. But those are only temporary solutions.
So even though it’ll take a while, he wants to believe Minhyuk.
“I know you do,” Thankfully, the tears have stopped but his throat is terribly dry, and Hyungwon is exhausted. Still, he maintains eye contact with Minhyuk, who gives Hyungwon the most. “And I’ll be there with you every step of the way, until you believe me.”
“I love you, your voice, your everything. You are worth millions, billions, to me and I will tell you every day until you can see the way I view you.” Hyungwon wonders how Minhyuk can be so confident. “There’s no rush, because I don’t plan on leaving.”
God, if Minhyuk doesn’t stop spouting cliche lines and such heartfelt words Hyungwon will have produced a whole lake by now.
He can’t find it in himself to reply anymore, so he takes Minhyuk's hands in his and squeezes them before collapsing onto the bed with him on top of Hyungwon. They shift until they’re laying side by side, face to face.
The lights are still turned on but neither of them want to leave each other’s side.
As the silence grows, Hyungwon takes the time to study Minhyuk’s features.
They’ve been in bed together more times than he count, yet, every time he sees Minhyuk like this - completely exposed, it feels like his first time.
Minhyuk, who is so beautiful he could rival the God of Beauty. Minhyuk, who is so kind and the sweetest - to the point Hyungwon is unsure whether he's even real.
Minhyuk, whom he loves.
“Thank you,” he shuffles closer, breaking the tension and presses a chaste kiss to Minhyuk’s lips. “For staying with me.”
“Always.”